Friday, February 21, 2020

Tomb Of Ligeia Review

Note: I spell creepy
the tomb of ligeia
this is my review on the tomb on ligeria from 1964
its directed by the awesome roger corman and stars vincent price and no one else i heard of
its based on a stoey by edgar allen poe i never read but is probably good
so after 20 seconds of logos that look cool we get a funeral where a guy tells vincent price the chick hes berrying canty go there as its holy ground and shes not christian
holy cr-p
this is reallyu widescreen!
like even on youtube its got black bars
so price sez shes not really dead or something and that she didn't think much of God
a blicketee black cat jumps on the coffin and her eyes openbut price sez its just a reflex or something
then opening credits to gothic art and dark images
looks pretty cool
then its a fox hunt
tails no!!
thats what you get for screwing me up so much ypu p o s!!
a guy chats with a blonde chick on horseback and they find these ruins of a castle or something
she finds te dead chicks grave and a cat scares her candy a55 horse and she falls
then price comes out looking like he belongs in da matrix with those shades and dark clothes
guy comes and meets price and knows him from b4 and pioce sez his shades were cuz his eyes are f'd
she comes to and takes a flower and prce carrys her through the ruins
it looks pretty cool
now they'd just use cg and it woould look like a55
she takes off his shades and he spazzes out from da light
they go in prices place and he has his slaves or w/e get cr-p  for her f'd leg
price wraps her foot but not in a tarentino way and blondes dad comes in with da dead fox
see you in h-ll tails!!
he shows price and he goes big bang theroy on fox yrivia and that his woman had a pet fox
then the fox vanishes and price sez da cat took it
not sure a cat can carry a fox
if it waas a cat sized ant it could as they can lift like 10x its weight or w/e
later guy and blonde chat about prrice and when dad comes in she rides off
dad; willful little b--ch aint she?
good way to dscribe ur daughter
well, he is english
btw this is set in the 1800s of soviet england
later guy goes  back to his lawyer job and blonde goes back to price
he grabs her face and she pulls off his glasses and he spazzes out b4 recognizing her and getting mad at her coming over unannounced
they have tea as england is too gay for pop and they talk about cr-p and he asks her to go and she gets b--chy
price goes on a monologue about his woman having such a will for live it went on after she bit it
imma call vincent price vin like vin diesal
so they are about to make out and the cat scratches her on da face and runs
then vins alfred butler comes in saying someones here and vin tells him to tend her cuts and ice da cat
imagine if he walked in on em making out?
btw i never saw this b4 i think but if i did i forgot it
so vin sees guy holding a pharaoh thing and sez he made it and dont like opening tombs and they chat of the thing
its the other yugi!!
game-u no jikan
he tells guy he treid to b0ne the blonde and whines about the cat and throwing a cabbage at it
meanwhile blonde talks with butler slave about vins woman
vin goes with guy and sez his womans exparation date on her tomb was gone and that day blonde showed up
theres also no birth date as he never knew his womans age
wife; dear, you remember by birthday right?
husband; uhhhh yeah...
so he goes on a monologue about ligeia's will being strong and body f--king out and her ki or w/e became the home and blonde seez cat take vins shades and follows it to a bell in the tower that moves w/o sound
btw the castle inside seems sort like edward scissorhands inventors room played by vincent price too
vin goes on hi8s ramblings and how he might have been the one who cut the date from the tomb but had no memory of it until now and he might be going nuts
then da bell rings and vin and guy go up and save blonde who's freakin out from loud sounds like sges the symbyote
latr blonde marrys vin and they talk of their childhood
vin lived with his alpha male dad in da wild as a kid
they go to stone henge and have a honeymoon or something and go back to teir place where vin sez he sold the place and its gonna change hands soon
at night she brusges her hwir, which lookss much better down, andfinds its black on the brush i think and goes to see vin
later its a dinner with blondes dad and guy and its revealed the deed to it in his his womans name and they cant find any cetrificate of her biting it
vin dont want anyone near da tomb
they talk about hypnotism and vin has exp with it
blonde sez until now she aint seen vin to guy and they do a hypnotizm thing on blonde to have her recall her mom who bit it when she was 3
she rrecalls her mom and sings a song from her
then starts starts quoting vins 1st wife and blacks out
is this where audrey rose got it from?
later shes awake and vin puts her to bed where she dreams of a creepy chick giving her flowers with the dead fox and a big black cat slashes her
she goes through da castle as da cat hounds her and sees freeky cr-p in the shadows. then she makes out with vin and he turns int someone else and I think b0nes her
this really feels sorta like dreams I had with slo mo and weird jumps
she wakes up with da fox in her bed (taiils yoyu necro purvo!!) andgoes to see vin but he comes in from da windowdoor and sez he was out and is carrying food
butler comes in and sez a maid mightve put it out there and vin tells him to remove the stuff from blondes room
but when they get there its gone
later shes chatting with guy and how shes not legally vuns wife as thereas no proof ligeia bit it and other freeky stuuf f'd her up
she thinks ligeia  is alive in a way in the place and he sez to not ask but demand explainations
later she puts blue candle wax on her food to spell V L and puts it out with her bare hand
guy comes by unannounced and wants to see vin but butler sez hes working on cr-p
guy grills butlord over where vin is working and asks where ligeia is b4 saying shes in her tomb
then implies vin is b0ning her corpse or isnt really dead
butlord leaves and guy tells blonde to hide in her room and lock da door as guy digs up ligia
in her room, blonde sees creepy lady from her dream who i guess is a maid or slave or w/e and sends her out b4 locking da door
then its a thunder storm and da cat is spazzing out behind da door
like a dumba55 she unlocks it but da cat is already in there and knox over da candles
if only they had edisons light bulb
she runs out and into vins room and fights da cat then hides in the balcony and finds a hidden door
does this guy live in castlevania?!
she finds a room with phaornic decorations and scream and the mirror to a hidden stairway breaks when she screams
this IS castlevania!!
so guy finds ligeria and busts open the glass and finds its a wax body lik eelvis after the mob iced him
also he sets it on fire for some reason
butllord is there and tells him to hurey as someone is beyond help now
she finds vin in this weird a55 room and finds his 1st wife on the bed and falls onto her and spazzes out
i think its petrified
butlord sez to get out as vin went nus or something and liegia f'd his mind or something and he forgets the nights during the day as he cares for her at night
and when buttlord told him he spazzed out into a trance and only ligeia can free him but shes in h-ll
better go to the mountains with dante and go on an excellent adventure through the circles
blonde uses the hypnosis he used on her and sez hes liagra and to remember everytging and be free and she's gonna bite it and she keeps over
vin coms to and carrys his 1st wifes unrotted bod outta bed and dumps it in the fire pit in the center of da room
then sez for the guys to leave him with his wife blonde like denny said in da room
he puts her in bed and smooches her but finds da cat on her after turning away and kills it with a slap
wait, it had anther life and she comes to a bit and they smooch
he walks off but blonde walks over in a veil and takes it off to reveal ligeria
they fight and he strangles her
the guys come in and its revealed its blonde again and he tells guy to bring blonde out as he knows whos behind this
he then takes a whip to the cat and they have a boss fight
a whip?! this IS castlevania!!
the cat jumps him and takes out his eyes, wait, didnt he have an eye issue? did they just forget about dat?
he wanders around when he could just use his ki to sense things and knox over a thing into da fire put and the place gues up like a candle
what a freekin fire hazard!!
why put a fire pit in da center of da room??!
he catches the cat as it jumps him and they fight and eventually he finishes it
guy seez blonde is alive adthey smooch and we see vin and 1st wife on da floor together
thena quote from Poe (not the tellitubby) saying life and death are divived by shadowy lines and wgo's to say where 1 starts and ends
then the credits showing who was who with film clips like spaceballs
the end
that was pretty good
it had class and style and wasn't super fast paced orb overstuffed with subplots
it told a story and did it well with good ideas and themes that fit the works of poe
i liked it
now movies are full of swear wordsa and degenerates but this was pretty clean but still cool
sorta like master of darkness on the sega master system
roger corman did great stuff in his director works and this is one of his many wins
cool gothic flare with a bit of blood and great music
they don't make emm like this anymor
but they should
for the tomb of ligeia 2 i want the blonde to be married to that guy who was hot for her and she has a kid. but the kid starts acting weird. turns out; ligeia sent he soul into her when the cat was on her and hid in her womb until she got pregnant and reincarnated herself as her kid. also the kid goes around taking out those who ligeia hated in her past life and its a murder mystery. its also an 8 bit nes, gameboy, sega master system and game gear, atari 7800 and lynx and tg16 game where you go through gothic levels as the kid and gotta wack people or set up traps and vincent prices ghost is after you to stop you and you gotta fight him off with collecting magic items.

Sunday, February 16, 2020

Alita Battle Angel Review

Note; i spell bad but in the future its good
alita battle angel
this is my review on alita bttle angel from 2019 (The year some cr-p happened in Robotech. Oh and Outrun 2019 on Sega)
its directed by Robert Rodriguez who also did from dusk til dawn 1, ther faculty, sin city, sharkboy and lava gril, machete and part of grindhouse
its got christoph waltz, jennifer connelly, the guy who did freddy kreugeer in the reboot of nightmare on elmstreet, edward norton and no one else i;m aware of
its based on a manga i read a bit of and only recall a guy getting his brain removed
it was gonna be done by james cagny i mean cameron but he was busy doing avatar so they gave it to spy kids
i never saw this b4 but heard its above average
so its set 300 years after the fall and theres a floating city that dumps cr-op on the sh-thole town below that people use to make their slum
ooh, a metal skull. just like terminator
1 guy finds a head and torso of a robot girl and fixs it
she wakes up and has big anime eyes and is cg like avatar but has sorta flaesh colored plastic limbs
shes nude but has nothing to hidde like kekko kamen and loox at herself in da mirror
so the guy is a dr and gives people cyber limbs
she gets dressed and coomes down and eats an orange and she dont know who she is
he names her alita but it dont say he got it from his dead cat or we it was in the books
also shes got a human brain and dont recall her name and they show her the sh-thoel town they live in
its like something wall e ripped off
after the fall, the big war, only sky sanctuary city was left and the other survivors came there
but no one goes to sky city
btw, what came 1st? this or ghost in the shell?
she finds a wanted posteefor a killer and this big a55 robot comes through and nearly stomops a dog she was feeding
she meets a guy who likes her cyberhands and probably has a robot fetish
spoiler; cutey honey was 1st
but then there was metropolis in 27 with that blonde chick
his name is hugo like that movie by scorscene about that kid or w/e they had gameboy games of in the 90s
later its night and drs assistant is iced
jack the ripper 5Ds??
wait, it wasnt her
later a guy whos limbs were jacked by thugs is getting fixed and they mention motorball a sport or something
on da street jenifr collenety feels alitas arm and stares at dr
turns out its his ex wife and he used their iced daughters body for alita
well she wasnt using it... in h-ll!!
then alita sees hugo playing rollerball and joins in
jenifer conneloy, who has a blue thing on her head like caesar in urotsukidoji 3 or that guy in voltage fighter gowcaizer, wants to team with dr to make cr-p to get back to the sky city
but he sez no and shes p-ssed
they play motorball on powered skates like dai atlas in transformers zone and she gets suckerpunched by some dude
in round 2 she nails him and scores a goal
is this a sports film?
youngblood 2: Alita vs Youngblood!
after da game she is gives a ride back on hugo's motorunicycle and tells him her story, then buys her chocolate
they see a bounty hunter cyborg with a sword as guns are outlawed and punishable by execution
so its mexico
shhe gets back after dark and dr b--ches about it as they live in a cesspoole like los angelas
later its day and her and hugo look at the sky city and imagine of lifew there
is this a thing on 34d worlders wanting to go to america?
huge sez she came from the sky city as she was found in cr-p dumped from there
then its night and she goes out seeing a guy looking likee the bad guy in indiana jones
turns out its dr and he was gonna ice a guy
but it was a trap and this cyyborg hunter attacks and beats him
a soviet sonding chick wants his eyes and cyborg is gonna ice dr so she wastes him
soviet chick fights alita as a huge guy hold dr
alita wins and fights huge guy whos like the jggernaut and she has viet namek flashbacks of fighting on the moon
after taking off huge a55's arm and he books it
dr reveals hes a hunter and i guess the other guys they just fought were bad guys and they go to da base to turn in the guys they caught and get paid
she wants him to tell her more and he sez his crippled kid alita was was iced by a druggie who was on a rampage
then he became a hunterto stop crooks like him
shes powered by an antimatter core that they cant make after the fall
big a55 gos to jenifer conoloy to get fixed as he got busted by alita and jenigty hates her
as she chex him she finds someone in da city is behind him and contols  him
the controller nova talx through him and sezalita knows ancient kung fu and to rebuild big a55
this black guy there sez he'd give her what she wants if they get alita and spazzes out
alita wants to be a hunter (like nami sos??) to recover her memories but dr sez no so she watches a rollerball tournament thats cg rise of the robots characters speeding and fighting
in 1 part a guy is torn apart with tentacles spiking through him
were these flesh and blood humans it would get an R rating
but as its metal its pg13
after the game, tentaCLE hands gets caught by guys and his atrm sawed off by thugs
wait i think 1 is hugo
blackguy takes his parts and blowtorches the tentrCLE hands face offscreen
imagine seeing his face cook off
the manga would have it
back when manga was cool
now the weiners whine when someone tells a joke or names a guy after a ww2 hero
so later hugo and homies take alita to this mars republic ship and she knows of it
its under water so she walks on the lake floor to get in
mars base? is this robotech?
so she goes in and gets a cyber body from the ship but dr dont wanna upgrade her body
like kira getting the freedom gumndam halfway through seed
so she sez shes a warrior and he knows and he sez her antimatter core is a perfect match for that body as shes the best figfhting machine ever
and he wont give her that body
so she goes in and registers as a hunter
now shes a rebelious teen who goes against her parental units protection rules
they go to a bar (how old is she?! wait... over 300 aparently... wait... how is her human brain still alive?!)
at da bar da guys dont thibk shes good enuff
she sez she wants their heklp to take on huge guybut they laff at her but she jabs back and forth until sword guy attascks and she counterstrikes him out
then challenges anyone there but if she wimsthey help her
then its a big a55 texas barfuight like a john wayne movie
cuz robert rodriguez is a texas
so dr comes in in and sez stop or no more free repairs and they stop
then huge a55 comes in looking like the live action megatron and having tentacle hands tentacle arm
he takes out a guy and the rest queer out
a dog barks at him and he crushezs it
tyake that you c-ck sucker!!
dogs dont belong on our blue and pure worldd
so she puts dog blood on her face like a football guy and fights huge guy under the bar as he busted through da floor
huge guy sezhe was left to rot in the undetground but nova saved him
she gets her robody slices apart but has an arj left like freeza and recalls that nova must be stopped
she jams her arm in his eye socket and sez F--k  to give this a phg13 rating but macteague (not the guy from greed) and his dogs and dr and hugo dri8ve hue guy offwith attacks and fire
as dr takes her out, jenifer conololy mocks him for bringing her back
then dr puts her in the super bod andit reformats to match her mind version of herself
also she looks more curvy
like going from moddern anime to 90s anime
dr tells her the bod is not good or bad but its up to her
like any item like a hammer or gun or beyblade
btw her getting busted and coming back with upgrades after being saved from a guy she couldnt beat is used in mega man x
she has a moment with hugo feelling her skin to test her new nanotechbod  touch thing and they make out
wwere this terminator or titanic they'd be b0ning
later huge guy is toold by nova controled black guy he's failed again starscream but gets another chance
also she's the best tech the mards guys had
Imagine in the future where people live on mars and Marvin is a slur and banned from the public as people jokinglu call mars people it after marvin the Martian. Also all his Looney Toons cartoons are banned as he's in them.
hugo chats with black guy whos named vector like the crocodile in sonic and tells her of alita
also he wants too get to sky city once he gets 1 million credits
next day he wakes up and alita stops by and sez she can make the 90 000 he needs in bounty hunting
she offers her heart to sell but he dont think ts rightand she puts it back in her
so they decide too go into mototball to make cash
also sword guy is up to something against alita
dr makes her mototball parts and vector offers the other players 500 000 $ to ice alita
hugo tells his black froeind who suckerpunched alita to stop chopping up cyborgs and he wants out but they fight
then sword guy coms in and wastes the cyborg black friend was jacking
black friend saves hugo from sword guy but i think bites it and hugo runs
alitas hoomies notice the guys shes against are hunters and dr calls alita to warn her
game start and its all cg and hyper nova characters being busted
remeber cyborg justice on sega?
that was pretty cool
make that into a movie
i beat it in da 90s
so alita busts their shiny metal a55es and hugo calls her and sez sword arm of dragon is after him
she busts outta da stadium (ring out!! this aint beyblade!!) and the baddz follow as she goes to da church
she finishes the ramaining hunters and feeds 1 into a grinder and saves hugo from swrordy
she seez a wanted poster for him and he coomes out about jacking parts
its against da law to stop a hunter going after his kill and he shanks hugo in da guy t with his blade
in church he repents of his sin and admits his love for her
also jenider cololoy is there and tells vector she didnt find em
she takes off his head and calims the bounty but sword guy sez he wants it
so thats agianst the law and alita slices off his plastic face and he spazzes out
then jenidty colony gives hugo a robot body and saves him
dr sez no one can buy their way into sky palace and he was up there but got cast out after his kid got aids or w/e and he removed his head mark
jenidty colony turns down vectors chance too return to sky place and alita calls dr dad
then alita goes to hunter base and the roboguards detect hostile intention and they fight as she uses sowrd guys blade
she confronts black guy vector who sgows her jenifer  colonys brain organs and eyes in jars as they are to be used in experiments in sky city
then huge a55 shows up and alita recalls her  past where a team mate sezx to destory sky city
she slices off huuge guys tentacle fingers and splits him in 2 with the sword like freeza and trunks
then talks to nova through vector (like yugioh zexal?!) and he sez hes impressed by her abiliteis
he also claims to be immortal and she shanks vector as nova said he might go after hugo and dr
then dr calls and sez the enforcers came for hugo knowing hes aliv and he helped him escape but the enforcers sealed the city and he's trying to climb the city sky pipes
she sez this is nvas plan and she wants to stay with him
the this cenitpede spike thing comes down and chops up hugo
she catches him but is hanging by an arm thats snapping off
he falls after he thanks her ans she sez she loves him and he goes to H E Double soviet California
months later alita is in the finals of rollerball and has a chance to go to sky city
btw i'm not sure if that was in the 80s manga but g=hugo biting it  and falling was done by cameron in titanic 1
she points the bladde at sky city, sheds a tear and the camera czooms in on her huge eye and credits to sorta 90s music
the end
that was pretty good
good action
good effects
good music
good cyberpunk sci fi future cr-p
i liekd it
its a better american manga movie
good gore even if it was robots
well, transformers the movie from the 80s was pretty violent with swearing and cr-p and still got a pg ratng
not sure if this will ever get a sequel but imma say what i want for mine
oh and i never saw the anime or read much of the manga so i' not sure what happens after this
for alita battle angel 2 i want her to make it to the sky city but find its actually good up there and the people live in peace and safety. she learns from nova that the people down on earth in their cr-ppy city are there for a reason and were they up here, it would damage their utopia. turns out; they were snt to earth as they carry a mutation in their dna that is latent in some but makes most dangerous and in the event of a solar thing, it will activate and turn them into mutated cannibal sasquatch monsters. and the solar thing is coming.  then after it happens when she returns to arn the people, they devolve and beocme the mutants and she has to slice through them and stop them from reaching the city. its also a 16 bit hack and slash on sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar, gba and tg16 where you play as alita and go around chopping through mutants with increasingly gortesque appearences.

Saturday, February 15, 2020

The Bat Whispers Review

note; i spell bad but its not my fauult. if i cared more i could do better
the bat whispers
this is my review on the bat whispers from 1930
its a remake of the bat from 26 and was remade in da 50s with vincent price
this inspired bill finger and bob kane to make batman
i 1st heard of it in cinemassacres bat a thon and saw this bversion on tcm years ago
also its one of the 1st widescreen ffilms
its directed by roland west who did the monster with lon chaney and the 20s the bat
it stars a bunch of 1800s born people i never heard of
holy cr-p its got Gustav von Seyffertitz from Sparrows!
so it starts with a cool title card and credits that seem more silent film
then a cool pan from a clock tower to the city streets with miniatures
it looks really good
so the cops are on the search for the bat and they locked down the area where hes gonna jack a necklace
at the guys place, we get a good pan to the window and up the building.
impressive stuff for the 30s
so the guy has a letter from the bat saying to be in his library alone at midknight
so hes waiting and has a pistol and theres cops in da next room and good camera movement
usually in da 30s it didnt move much
then its past midnkight and he chex da safe and its still there
but the window is open and when he looks out it the bat catches him from above and jacks the necklae, them climbs a rope
the cops bust in and read a note saying the guys clock was fast and to stop trying to catch him
then we see a 1st person view of a train going down trax and going through the ceiling glass in a bank and a guy chex da safe
we see da bats shadow and he goes into a car and goes aftwr a guy while using a smoke screen
wait, i think he was the one being chased
its done with miniatures and looks great
they go too this house with 2 gross chix and the chix complain about cr-p and the main chick thinks the house is haunted
maid whines about how shes treated like cr-p and gross chick treats her like cr-p and maid sees a dude outside
the bat is also out there and covering his footprints by stepping with 1 and draging the otehr over the prints
gross chick makes her maid, who seems more like a slave, to use a ouija board to ask about the place being haunted
it warns em of b a t and a guy sneaks in their place but makes noise and sneaks in the vents or w/e so they find jack and sh-t
theres no sh-t
oh he went in the laundry chute
they see da bat and hide
then its a dark and stormy night and we get a camera zoom to this mansion miniature and through tthe house to see hross chick reading the paper of the bats heists
maID puts out a bear trap for da bat and da paper sez no one knows who is da bat
a baseball falls down da stairs and there a gross guy there who sez hes hearing thinghs around there
gross chick called for some detectives (like fron dick tracey comics? detective comics?)
this blonde chick and a thin guy come by and she gives him glasses and messes his hair so they wont know him
she goes in and is connected to gross chick somehow but she dont like blondes bfg
then i think the bat ices a guy
she invies the thin guy to be hired as the gardener and after an interview gets a room in the place
but she knows hes not a gardener as the interview she asked him about was diseases not plants
then a note comex in saying to book it
then a european guy shows up and tells her the place shes in is the bank owners place and and she otta get out soon
sh shows him the note and sez shees not leaving til she knows whats going on
oh european guy is a dr
she chats with a detectove i tthink and sez she said the bat might be there but he might not be
huh, this wwas based on a play that was based on a book
and the play had a 1915 lost film ver
and the book and 1915 ver didnt have the bat in it
oh and blonde is the neice of gross chick and they are renting the place
so dr chats with blonde and warns her something might happen in da house
gross chick thinks the bank ownewrs relative is trying to get her out and use the rent money
then thin guy is making sounds by pounding on da wall to check  for a hollopw spot
detective grills the maid and looks around and finds blonde on da phone with bank owner
maid sees the bat and hes got a jewerly on his wrist going up da stairs
she spazzes ot and is told to go to bed
bonde meets bank guy who comes in aand tells him she thinks the cash jacked from da bank in in da house
detective chases gross guy around and i think this is where scooby doo got it from
he eventually jumps down a laundry chute and escapes
babnk guy tells blonde to look somewhere for the hidden room as he rips up a map of the house to hide where the hidden room is
she wants to return the cash but he dont wanna and she wants to marry some guy connected to da bank
she trys to stop him with a gun and the bat caps him for the blue prints of the house
everyone shows up and he finds the gn she had was fired recent but geoss chick sez she did it last night
detective wants to arrest her and grills her as her bf the cashier who was the only witness to bank guys relative getting iced at da bank  is hiding and the blue prints of the house are missng a piece
then a guy shows up and gross guy drops a vase on his head
its a private dick who was hired by gross chick and detective is not keen on him being here
the phone has someone calling for help in the garage and detective runs to it with a cool camera following him through the zelda/castlevania 64 like garden
the lights go out and a painting moves and da bat behind it warns em to get out
pivate dick chex the painting but its sealed and they see da bat outside
then da painting falls and dr returns looking for his smokes and blonde fills him in as someone sneaks around
she sez she jacked a piece of blueprint and hid it in a roll on a tray
as dr covers da body, da bat pops in but leaves and only dr sees him
dr chex da rolls and detective chats with him and wants the blueprint he jacked
he gets it and finds theres a hidden room in a fireplace
he then argues with dr about being involved with the wacking of bank guy and dr books it
later, dr returns, busts detective in the skull with an item (hay! its clue!! who's col mustard?!) and hides the body
so the remaining guys wonder where the guy who went to the garage went, oh its detective, and they ask dr to search 4 him
gross guy is held up by da bat and spazzes out and is told to get out
then they see some guy come in and collapse
gross guy comes in and tells em to get out and who he saw
the doors close and the lights go out again and the bat takes a shot at private dick
on da roof da bat runs by and some guy sees him while looking out the roof hatch
oh its gardener
and hes really the cashier who is in love iwht the blonde
she admits she faked him beign a gardener and they are looking foor the hidden cash
gross chick sez gardeners dont have manicured nails
thats pretty batman
meanwhile the bat is creeping around like count orlock and we see his shadow on da walls
he sets up a wire to a light switch and to a chair and covers it with a rug
good camera work there
he hies in a hidden fireplace as the gang comes by and blonde sees the light from under the fireplace
she feels around it and the bat puts out his candle as she opens the hidden room
she goes in and bat is hiding in a wall door and she sees his shadow through the wall
he emerges and it looks really cool as he comes from shadow to light
waoh!! dats freeky!! his eyes in that mask
he tells her to keep silent or hed ice her and he wants the safe combo
he chases her and an unknown guy goes in and gets the cr-p from da safe as the bad wastes him and slinks off with his body
the others hear her banging in the hidden room and she gets out
manwhile pirvate dick, gross guy and maid and rdrinking and the bat puts out the candle and runs upstairs
gross guy relights the cadnle and in the room with fireplace, dr comes in
they go in the fireplace room now that they have dr to eat bullets and dr puts out the candle so bat flys out and dowen the staitrs
private dick fires 2 guns a lot and hits no one
dr sez he was freaked out but gross chick sez she saw him put it out
detective comes in saying dr tried to ice him and sez if dr's homie was caught, the chix wouldnt be scarded outta da house and they couldnt get the cash
and the bank guy jacked his own bank
private dick finds gorss chicks revolver on dr and detective cuffs dr andd locks him in da closet
doesnt this go against criminals rights?
so they passed out guy comes in and no one knows him
detective sez its the garage guy and grills him but he knows jack
detective tells private dick to cap him if he trys anything and the gang goes in the fireplace room
passed out guy gets the gross chicks gun
in the room theres no cash in the safe and gross chick sez a guy went by the skylight and detective goes on da roof
but gross chick was lying and wants to check the place herself
she finds the bag of cash behind an item and the bat grabs maidfrom behind a door
wait, its bank guy's arm and hes dead
and his watch was glow in the dark or something
then the garage is flaming and passed out guy stops em from going on at gunpont
he sez the fire starter wanted em out of da room and is coming back for da cash
they put it back where it was and out the lights and hide
da bat returns and they stick him up and on the lights
they disarm him and hes got a few guns
as they try to take off his mask h moves the chair and kills the lights and escapes
they split up to find him and private dick and gross guy stay in the hidden room
bat gets caught in the bear trap and pulls the chain tied to the bed the maid is in til she gets pulled out the window
the gang catches him but he gets a gun a guy drops
they unmask the bat and its detective
passed out guy sez he's the real detective and this guy knocked him out and immitated him
he sez hes got the greatest brain and pulls a gun on em
gorrss chick sez she removed the bullets and when he chex the real detective knocks it down and it fires
she sez she told her 1st lie in a stainless life
what about when she said theres a guy on da roof?
or using a ouija board?
bat sezs there sno jail that can hold him and he's gonna be cakc at night
then the curtains close but a guy comes in and sez its not over
a guy from da movie sez not to reveal the bats secret identity so ur friends can  be surprized
and in return he wont jack our cr-p or scare out kids
and the bat isnt a bad guy inside
oh its the guy who played the bat
the end
that was pretty good
it inspired a lot and i can see hints of it in the tim burton batman and batman returns
like the miniatures and good moving camera work
good twist i didnt see comming and some good comedic bits
good mystery and suuspecnce and detective work by th gross chick and each character is different and cool in their own way
i liked this and its cool fun and entertaining
for the bat whispers 2 i want him too break out of jail and to chop up his face so no one knows who he is. he also says h got those scars in the war and goes on more capers while the cops try to outfox him. its also an 8 bit nes, master system, game boy, game gear, atari lynx and 7800 and turbografix 16 gam wherew yoou play as the bat and gotta set up traps to get out and find ways through levels with spot lights and police blimps.

Monday, February 10, 2020

Game Reviews Volume 7 From 2019 and 2020

More thoughts on games I beat over the years

This one is from the end of 2019 and start of 2020

Just beat Dahna: Megami Tanjo on Sega Genesis. Its a 91 game where you play as some blonde warrior chick who fights for something. I don't know enough Japanese to read the story. Its not a long game and you get 5 Continues that send you back to the last checkpoint. Also each guy you ice gives Exp and after enough, you LV Up and refill/expand your life bar. Its got the Golden Axe system of Magic/Attack/Jump and holding up lets you jump higher while tapping down lets you kneel or crawl. In a few levels you ride things like a huge Ogre, A Griffon and a Horse and there's 6 levels. Its got blood and gore but not really graphic in this century. Falling in a pit costs a Continue and there's no lives or Power Ups. You keep any Exp earned after biting it though. It can be beat in like under an hour and is pretty cool. Good music and decent graphics for 91. Glad I got around to playing this.

Just beat Baku Baku Animal on my Master System Collection. Its a falling block puzzle game like Puyo Puyo but you match food with animals and they just have to touch instead of needing a set number connected in a certain way. You play as this little girl who is in a contest to become the Princess's Zoo Keeper or w/e and face others in rounds like Puyo Puyo. On this ver, the opponent is in a smaller screen on the lower right and doing combo's sends more blocks to them and vice versa. You get unlimited continues and there's a 4 symbol password system so its a fair challenge. Its got good music and colors and the graphics are semi 3D looking. I liked it and I'm glad I gave it a chance. It can be beat in like a few dozen mins so its nice to win a game you can play on a car ride or w/e.

Just beat Mr. Nutz on GBC. Not too bad. Its another mascot platformer like Sonic or Bubsy but you play as a red and white squirrel who can sweep with a tail attack, throw acorns or just jump on guys. You play through a buncha areas like a carnival or volcano or an Arctic and fight a Yeti who wants to make a new ice age. So you play as the bad guy siding with the sun. The music is ok and it looks not bad for a GBC game. It controls a bit loose and its easy to take hits, but you get 3 continues and a password that returns you to the start of an area. Using a continue restarts the area though each boss counts as its own area. Its not too bad and has some good stuff but some parts can be irritating. Glad I played this though. Its got some charm to it.

Just beat Gundam Wing Endless Duel on me Snes Collection. Fast paced fighting game based on the show.I used Duo as he's my fave. Each Mobile Suit has its own abilities and attacks and you work your way up from the Gundams, To Mercurious and Veyete , To Wing Gundam, To Epyon as the final boss who's pretty overpowered and can chain link attacks and cream you in like 10 secs. Good controls and music and graphics and has unlimited continues. Usual best of 3 rounds and a super bar that is counted on numbers under the life bar and a bar and using super moves eats it up. Damaging the foe gains it back and you can nail em when they are down. When I faced Epyon for like the 40th time, it was a hot battle. Each had won a round and we were both almost done. I was 1 hit away from being beat and managed to trigger my upper spiral attack to finish him off. I was in the zone. Being enveloped in the battle. Sorta like when I beat Last Battle on Sega. Great game but dat final boss is a nightmare.

Just bear Joe And Mac on Sega Genesis. Pretty good game. Nice colors music and sound. Sort of a Run and Gun but you use Stone Wheels and Boomerangs. You press up and jump to jump higher but there's also a super jump button. You can charge your attacks by holding the Attack button but if you overcharge  it damages you and leaves you stunned for a bit. The difficulty levels determine how much damage you take and the game has branching paths that give you slightly different versions of the next level. Some are easier than others. You can fire up and forward but can't super jump when charging. The bosses have life bars which is nice and the game can be beat in like 20 mins if you know what you doing. You can have up to 4 continues and biting it sends you back to the checkpoint even if using a continue. Biting it on a boss makes you redo the fight. Its pretty good and I'd glad I played this. Also its 2 player co op.

Just beat The Lucky Dime Caper starring Donald Duck on my Master System collection. What an ordeal. Its like Ghouls N Ghosts. You play as Donald and try to save your nephews and some dimes as Scrooge is too cheap to hire mercenaries. Remember in Rambo 4 how the Church hired mercenaries to save their members captured in Burma? So you jump and have a weapon. But the jumping is wobby and the weapon is lost with 1 hit and you can only try to jump on foes. You get unlimited continues and losing a life sends you back to the last checkpoint. Using a continue restarts the whole level. Every 2 enemy's you ice gives you an item. Either a star that if you get 5, you turn invincible for a bit. An extra guy, A weapon power up, which is either the hammer or a frisbee that is weak and slow but has range. Or a jewel that's just points and has no real value. There's parts that you can grind for lives but there's also a time limit and running out costs a guy. Its a beatable game, but you gotta do it right to win. The bosses ain't too hard and have patterns that are easy to figure and loop. Good graphics and music. Glad I played this but it took me several hours to get through. At least Ghouls N Ghosts puts you back at the checkpoint, gives you a super weapon and has better controls. This is harder than that.

Just beat New Super Mario Bros on DS. One of the better Mario games. It has branching paths to go to alternate levels. Sometimes there's a Mega Mushroom that makes you fill the screen and crush through the level for a bit. But its pretty rare. It lets you save after every Bowser Jr battle and you collect coins for alternate paths to bonus items I never went for. Better control than most Mario games but there's a wall jump that's not too easy to pull off. You can carry an item and tap the screen to pop it out and catch it as it falls. Typical Mario stuff and it starts with you killing Bowser and facing Jr for most of the game as he runs with Peach. He gets tougher each battle and soon you gotta catch Koopa Shells and throw em back at him. Each level ends in a different boss that has to be beat in a different way. On the last round you fight Bowser Sr and Jr after Jr uses black magic to revive his bones (You know, for the kids) and I was able to beat him with fire flower shots. Over all, its a good Mario game with good music and above N64 graphics and it plays better than most of em.

Just beat Donald In Maui Mallard on Genesis. Great graphics and music. Wonderful animation. But the gameplay is pretty wobby. You fire bugs out a wood gun and most have an ammo limit. You can collect Yin Yang tokens to turn into a Ninja (Disney's La Blue Girl??) and use a staff. You can hook onto things with it and holding Up and A lets you catch yourself between a gap in rocks. Holding A changes between Ninja and Normal. You get 1 continue and there's Passwords but you only get those by beating the level in 1 life. Or just look em up. But the Passwords are different between the US and European versions. The final levels are pretty demented. Swinging on hooks to avoid bottomless pits and not getting any life ups for the final boss. Its pretty hard with the wonky controls and if you bit it you gotta redo it from a checkpoint. If you use a continue, back the the start of the area. But if you made it to a different segment in the level you start from there. Its not impossible but it demands perfection. Glad I played this but I don't plan on doing it again.

Just beat Ghost Rider on GBA. Decent game. You play as him and fight daemons or zombies or w/e in a 2D thing sorta like Altered Beast but no AutoScrolling. 1 button is punch, one is Chain for a ranged attack and R Jumps and up is block. The more you wail on the guys the higher your combo goes and at the end of the level you get points for the combo based on your highest level of 1-6 reached. There''s also goals like get rank 6 x3. There's also motorcycle levels where you shoot fire blasts and chain whip the other racers and the longer you hold down R to boost, the higher the combo gets. Its pretty simple and easy and you can upgrade your attacks and life by spending points. Its a decent game that's pretty pick up and play and has good GBA music and graphics. Good still image cutscenes too. I liked this. It autosaves after each level and you can go back but beating the game restarts the file on a new thing. Running outta guys just sends you back to the title screen and you return to your save file. Glad I got this one. Its pretty good. Kinda metal.

Just beat Super Double Dragon on my Snes collection. Its pretty good but has some flaws. You can punch kick, jump or block and blocking can let you grab a guy and wail on him with punch or kick, or throw with block. Holding R lets you charge the power bar to power up attacks or letting it half fill lets you spin kick. Filling it up fully lets you use power hits until it goes and getting hit when filling takes it out. You get 5 continues with 3 guys each and both players share continues. There are no 1 ups or health restores in the game unless you beat one of the 7 levels. You can pick up weapons dropped and use em but some are super powerful. The knife thrown takes off half your full life bar and I don't think you can drop or pick up new weapons. Good graphics and music and it plays well but you gotta get used to some parts. You can also grab by kicking and moving in but some guys you can't grab. Its pretty good and kinda hard with many cheap shots but I liked it and it was a pretty good game. Glad I played this.

Just beat Alex Kidd: High-Tech World on my Master System Collection. Interesting game. You gotta find pieces of this map to an arcade around your castle by talking to people and solving puzzles. After that you gotta fight through woods with ninja. I'm not sure when this is as everyone acts like its the Sengoku Era but there's hang gliders, phones, computers and arcades. Its pretty cryptic and there's a time system as going into a room eats 5 mins and playing the game slowly eats more. Some events are based on time and you gotta  take tests and answer questions. If you don't know, its impossible. I used a guide on youtube to see what to do. Its got infinite continues but if you screw up in the 1st part, you gotta start over. Also after beating an area after the 1st part, you get a password and do the ninja stuff. Good graphics and music and no bosses. Its kinda tricky  but can be beat if you keep rolling for a 20. Interesting game and I'm glad I played it. Oh and its based on a 40s manga in Japan and the Alex Kidd thing was added on for America.

Just beat Super Street Fighter II: The New Challengers on Sega. Its mostly the last SF2 game but with 4 new guys and some other stuff. I used Blanka and a 6 button pad. 3 buttons for light medium and heavy punch and the same for kick. If using a 3 button pad you use start to switch from punch to kick. Pretty decent game. Good speed and graphics and music and voice samples.. Some guys I struggled with are Dee Jay, Vega, Ryu, Blanka, Sagat and Bison but I found ways around em. Often I got em in a loop of Jump heavy kick and crouch low kick to keep em off their feet. The moves I tried didn't always work but it might've been my controller. Good update to Street Fighter II and it played pretty well. Glad I played this. Oh and you get unlimited continues and Akuma isn't in this one.

I beat Final Fight 2 on my Snes Collection. It plays pretty well and is easier to handle than Super Double Dragon. You get like 6 continues and 4 lives each but get more lives through points. Simple controls, 1 button attacks, 1 jumps, pressing both does a super move at the cost of life. Using a continue sends you back to the start of the last area you entered. The regular guys ain't too bad but the bosses are pretty tough with high life and high damage.. Good sequel to the 1st that I played on GBA and I used Maki as she's the fastest. There's a trick you can do with her to punch a few times, turn, then return to punching to loop for infinite damage but I wasn't able to master it yet. Its not too hard and there's only 6 levels but using up all lifes sends you back and it can be tricky to get past the same guys again. I liked it and its got a good feel and flow.  Glad I played this. Oh and its 2 player Co Op.

Just beat Shinobi on my Master System Collection. Its not too long but you got no continues  and only a few lives. You can take a few hits but falling in a pit ends you. You can free captured people and get upgrades like rapid fore weapons. stronger attacks, life refills bonus levels, extended life bar and points. Get enough points and its an extra guy but buying it costs all upgrades. You go trough several areas per level and the last one is a boss fight that is usually not too hard if you know what to do. You can earn ninja magic  by beating a bonus level by shurikening the ninjas after you b4 they reach you. To use ninja magic you gotta jump holding up and keep jump held until landing, then attack. There is 1 jump in level 4 that's near impossible and you gotta do it just right or its the pit and all upgrades gone. But, I played the game enough that I can beat the levels b4 it easy and used a level select code (Down and Jump on the title screen)to skip the middle man and the levels I can beat easy  so I'm not replaying those over and over to hit the wall and burn out on that jump. Although that makes the game harder as I have less upgrades, magic and guys from the previous levels. After getting good enough on that jump I struggled with lv 5 area 2 with these spinning ninja but got through it. The final boss is tough, esp with no health or weapon upgrades,, but if you know what to do, can be beat. Tough game but well done. Better looks and music than most NES games and its cool to see where the Shinobi series began. Glad I played this

Just beat Final Fight 3 on my Snes Collection. Pretty good game. Branching paths that let you face different  bosses, or skip em if you meet the right conditions. You can break doors and key items by throwing or knocking foes into em to go to different paths. You get like 5 lives and 5 continues and using a continue sends you back to the last checkpoint. Good animation, art, graphics and music. It controls well. Each hit you smack a foe with fills the super bar and when its full you can do a super  move with a D Pad movement and button depending on the character used. It doesn't always work well in a Beat Em Up as it does in a Fighting game but if done right, can be good. There's a CPU 2 player mode where you have the game control the 2nd player and it works ok but I don't know how to have him return if he runs outta guys. He can get score and extra guys from it too. Overall I liked this and thought it was pretty good. Glad I did it.

Just beat Land Of Illusion on my Master System Collection. Pretty good Disney game where you play as Mickey and go through levels while getting new abilities like climbing walls and shrinking. One button jumps and the other is to pick stuff up while walking into it, then throwing it. Jump and other does a butt hammer attack you can bounce off of. Good various level designs and challenges and you can collect extra stars to increase your life bar. Some area's have extra items to get after gaining new abilities. So its sort of a MetroidVania. You get unlimited continues and a few lives but using a continue sends you back to the map screen. The level's ain't too long and there's some good puzzles in em to figure out but its not too hard and you can keep trying. No passwords or saves or level select so you gotta do it in 1 play but its fair and balanced. The picking up items takes some getting used to though. Glad I played this. Its pretty good.

Just beat Bonk's Adventure on my TG16 Collection. Not bad Mascot Platformer about a Caveman kid who headbangs. 1 button jumps and one headbangs and doing it in air over and over lets you spin. Water levels are ok as the D Pad manages how you move and jump gives you a boost that can dive if you headbang after. Bright colors and good graphics and sounds make it nice. You get unlimited continues and a few lives to start with but extra guys are hidden and getting enough points gets you a free guy. You can recover life by fruit and collecting hearts and can get extra heart containers but lose em if you game over. The game isn't too hard if you know what to do and its usually a good idea to bust all foes for points, food and power ups. Getting a hunk of meat powers you up and a 2nd one makes you invincible. Headbanging the ground when powered stuns foes and big meat can get you to 2nd forme instantly. There's lots of secret areas and some mini games and breakable blocks to get goodies. I liked this more than Mario. Good game to try out. Glad I did.

Just beat Thundercats on DS. Its based on the cool 2010s series and has stills and voices from it. Its a hack and slash game where you use Lion-O and fight through various Lizardmen and bosses to get the Book of Omens. Taking out enough guys fills a bar that lets you use a super beam like Wing Zero in Gundam Wing and collecting Thundercats Logo's lets you use a Thundercat as an assist like a screen nuke or the kids playing a song that stuns foes and summons food or Logos. There's a time limit and some levels have randomized foes that are different each time you go through. No lives but endless Continues and it saves every chapter cleared, but if you turn off after beating a level w/o reaching the next cutscene, it don't count. B is Jump and A is Attack so its Action 52 Rules. The touchscreen manages the beam or assists. I liked it. Good graphics, music and voices and it plays pretty well. Sorta like Altered Beast. Oh and you can double jump. Its not a long or really hard game but if you can get it cheap and like the good Thundercats, give it a shot. But hearing Thundercats! Ho! over and over gets a bit much.

Just beat Streets of Rage II on my Master System Collection. Gotta say, Its pretty cheap. Lots of times the foe just gets you in a loop and burns through all your health. Good music but the graphics make it hard to tell what's happening. Not enough detail and I often get thrown and don't realize it and hold jump and up to save myself until its too late. The bad guys go down easy but hitting em is rough as they evade and sneak attack often. I had to use a code to level select and get max lives to get through this and it was still tricky. Its not awful, just really unfair. You get 3 continues and they burn out fast when a guy can ice ya in under half a minute. Honestly I think Streets of Rage III on Genesis was easier. There you could see better and could know who was hitting who in a brawl. Its got good colors and if you wiggle around on the D Pad and use the 2 buttons, you can get different moves. But its kinda tricky. Plus after playing Thundercats on DS I got B and A mixed up on which jumps and which hits. I found I could loop a few guys by getting em against the wall and standing in the right place while spamming the attack button. It worked well on the robots in the elevator level and Souther in the other elevator level. Often it just got me p-ssed off over being unable to do anything to the foes as they dance all over me. And this was on Easy!! I don't hate it, but its the least good Streets of Rage game. Oh and I used Blaze for this.

Just beat Squirrel King on Sega Genesis. Its an unlicensed game based on Chip and Dale but does things unique. Good graphics and music and its got nice color. You play as either Chip or Dale (They didn't even try to hide it) and throw boxes at bad guys while going through 7 levels. Each has a boss that takes 10-12 hits. You collect gems and enough gets you an extra guy. You max out at 9. You get 5 continues but I was hardly below 8 guys for most of the game. It was also remastered as a Super Mario Bros game that plays the opposite of Mario as you can't jump on guys and gotta throw boxes and got a life bar. Bizzarro Mario? Super Bizzarro Bros? You also get a fireball attack as small tailed squirrels  can do that. Maybe its some kinda Chinese Yokai Cryptid thing. It plays well and only a few parts were annoying but were beatable. Glad I played this.

Just beat Popeye 2 on Gameboy. Not a bad game. Simple. Mario style A jump B attack and hold B to run. You power up with spinach and the more you get the stronger your attack and more range you get. Full power lets you fire off spinach cans. Each hit takes away a spinach can and that's your life. You get 5 continues and using it on a boss sends you back to the area b4 a boss (but losing a guy on a boss only makes you restart the boss fight). You collect gems and 100 gets an extra guy. Holding B when you jump gives you more range. Its not bad. Good graphics and music but some parts are quite tough without full power. The 2nd last boss I used up all my extra continues on and got him on my last one. Its only 4 levels and there's bonus areas to get more gems. Its simple but manageable. The jumping takes a bit of getting used to and the ground slips a bit but it can be handled. I 1st learned of it on a 100 GB games in 10 mins vid and I'm glad I got this. It was pretty good.

Saturday, February 8, 2020

Home Review

note; i spell like these space monkeys
this is my review on home from 2015 (The year robotech battlecry on gamecube happened)
it stars the beta male from big bang theory, chris browns gf, steve martin, j lo, asnd the voice of humpty dumpty from Beware the Batman.
its based on a book i never heard of and was directed by the guy who did Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas, Over the Hedge 1,
so it starts with nig ang narrating about his space daemon race moving to a new planet
hes just like his big bang character only more cheerful
so they are fleeing some bada55 alien race and take over earth
they deport all humans to  soviet australia and colonize their homes
no militry resistance or defence
so big bang is a loser and everyone hates him but he's too dense to get it
so 1 human remmains hidden in the city and wants her mom and has  home alove style traps but non violent or fun
huh, people gave this a 5/10
thats a D- in grades on a test
i did see this b4 but forgot some of it
so big gang goes to biug a traffic cop aklien and accidentally sends his directions to his home to everyone in the galaxy
including the aliens they fled from
so big bang is gonna get lynched and he stumbles his way out of it in a hover pod
eventually he meets human at a beckers or w/e and she locks him in the freezer like in jurassic park
he thinks his space daemon race is doing good and she hates his kind for jacking her fam
sorta like a parent letting an anorexic or w/e get surgery to change his body to fit his distorted view and thinking its helping him be his "real" self
meanwhile, the leader deciuddes they gotta hack huis email and cancel the email b4 it gets to the enemy race
but he's the only alien whos password snt password
and they gotta find him b4 its too late
maybe those spoace demons will take out these ones?
or will they take over too like the invid after the masters in robotech?
so she lets him oou to fix her car and its now a hover car like robotech ii the sentinels
now they go to soviet paris to find where they stashed her mom
he goioes autistic over her having a cat and he tells of how their leader met the enemy race
he spazzed out and ran and jacked an item from them
so its like the flower of life in robotech
but less gay
so then its day and they are in soviet new york and the patroll is after em
sortsa like the zentraedi after the SDF-1 for the masters
so they stop to cr-p and he eats a urinal cake and drinks p-ss
he tries to ditch her but she catches him and 1 alien finds em but dont get to say he needs the password in time as cr--p keeps getting in the way
also he fires a blast and thinks he icced big bang
latter she plays music and he spazzes out in responce like dancing
so its like the zentraedi and minmeis music
he jumps out into the ocean for hours and when he gets back he takes her expressions literally
she trys to explain how things were better b4 his invasion
he reveals his kind ont have families (like tyhe zentraedi!!) and eventually pieces together the obvious about her feelings
this is the only role that beta male from bigbang theory can get as he's basically playing himself
so big bang tells her of the enemy race and how they gonna bust their planet
sorta like how optera was f'd by the masters
so she teaches him knock knock jokes and they tgo to the awful tower in france
she uses make up to make him looks sslightly different and its a disguise
they get in the base and find the brain bugs hasnt found his password yet and the enemy ailens are comming
he plugs into the matrix and so does she and somehow it dont cook her brains and he uses his password to stop the invasion
they find humans mom is in soviet austrailia and they leave to find the leader and his minions who are gonna erase him
she saves him by turning a gravity thing and the tower tilts
after some action and cr-p they bust up soviet france (good!!) and get away
she jacked the van gogh painting of the starry night or w/e and big bang dont get it
man wwe're an hour in and it feels like it should end as they solved the issue
later biig bbang finally realizes how his kind f'd up earth and sez sorry
now give her rerarations!!
so he admits he knows he dont belong as we cant have a hero in a kids story being cool or fun
imagine he man as a loser who everyone hated?
aka; dragon ball evolution
or worse yet; bridesmaids
so later they wake up and they were sleep dricing and are in a swarm of space pods
also the enemy race has found em and is here
so they crash andwe get a tacked on sad moment where the car bites it from the slushys powering it oozing out
but its only a few secs
so they raid an enemy drone and find an item on it that can power his car to fight the ememy race
so they get to soviet australia and the aliens are fleeimg as everyone cheers
he tries to get her to ditch earth and she's had it with his cr-p and kills him
she tells him off for being a cr-ppy friend and he has some kinda autism attack b4 ditching her for his own kind
so the enemy race mothership is there and iss gonna ttoast em but big bang uses the super fx chip to boost them away
everyone is amazing he didnt chicken out like everyone there
then he goes on a speech about how humans dont run away and care about each other unlike their cr--ppy race
leader triees to kill him but the traffic guy stands up for him and takes his rod of silence kayest and they make big bang the leader
so human interaction has changed the invading alien race
just like robotech
back on soviet earth; humans cell phone runs outta juice (how long was it on?!) and we get a tacked on sad moment where it looks bummer
but movies dont get to have bummer ending anymore
we don't even get alternate ends like lon chaney's the penalty or laugh clown laugh where one ending has the guy biting it
so he comes back and sez he learned of friendship  or some care bears cr-p and helps  her find her mom
then big bang figgers out his race is the bad guys and the enemy mothership is back
he sends her in a flying car like in the room off and runs up to the coming megaship
human uses a mirror she got her om for xmas or w/e to show the dirver of the megaship big bang is there but it wont stop in time
so she gets down and triesd to save him but it squishes him
see you in h-ll you space monkey!!
then we get ANOTHER sad moment where it looks like hes been iced
but he was just between 2 spikes and was ok
no one dies in this film?!
h-ll transformers the movie has half the cast blown out in the 1st act
so the head enemy alien coms out and they give it the jacked item
turns out the big scary soace monsters were just small starfish in bbig exosuits
and the jacked item was their whole next generation of young(step in to the grand tour!! i mean; generation next!!)
and that one alien was the last one of his kind besides the next gen
and h was tracking the rock and the invite had nothing to do with it
that whole invite subplot was meaningless
btw; the aliens next generation being jacked was used in roboptech ii the sentinels with the karbarrans
then its 2 weeks later and everything is back to normal but humans and aliens get along and coexist
big bang and human have a party and play music and alll these other space monsters show up as all are friendly and get along
the end
that wasnt bad
i didn;pt hate it
it wasnt great
but it wasnt annoyiing or cr-ppy
just more by the numbers tvpg modern film
the animaton wasnt bad and the msuic and art was ok
the acting fit and its just another mass marketed kids film
not great like watership down
not awesome like transformers the movie
but not horrible like from justin to kelly
its not something that will have a big following like gremlins or the room, but its not hateable
for home 2 i want the leader who got deposed to start incidents that turn people against the aliens as a plan to make a war and rise up to regain power. it works and soon the earth is a battlefield of humans and aliens. plus a lot of people didn't need much to hate them as they took over b4 and the huamns felt weak and powerless and vowed to never be like that again. also its a 16 bit run and gun game like contra or metal slug on sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar, tg16 and gba where you play as either human or alien and use tech mixed from both sides and blow apart the otehr side with it.

Sunday, February 2, 2020

Escape From Planet Earth Review

Noge: I spell Alien stykle
escape from planet eartgh
this is my review on escape from planet earth from 2013 (the year of the Zentraedi Malcontent Uprisings in Robotech)
its got rob corddry (ew!) brendan fraisr (He's good), jessica alba (kinda mdisgruntled) shatner (not bad), Craig Robinson  (from that p0rn0, zack and cody or w/e), george lopez (ew!) jane lynch(ew!) tsteve zahn (who? oh. daddy day care)chris parnell (who?), srarah jessica parker (gross!!), sofia vergrta(no!!)  annd ricky gervais (ewwwww!)
man this cast s-cked. they're mostly commies or jacka55es.
who directed this?
cal brunker? there's nothing of him on soviet wikipedrea
oh and its by the weinsteins; the most famous degenerates since gacy
so it starts with these bule aliens (not smurfs) on some alien planet of ice where 1 f;d something up and has the animals there chase him
he gets away with a grappeling hook like batman and saves some blue babys
there r 2 bros aliens; a big dumba55 and a small nerd
how oruginal
so big blue comes back and is seen as a hero
then theres a new mission where big blue is sent to this dark planet that no one ever returns from
big blue looks like michael chiklas from fantastic 4 or the kingpin from spiderman
nerd blue don't want him to go as its cewrtain doom and nerd blue has a wiener kid
turns out dark planet is earth
the computer played by candy a55 ricky gives a history of earth bashing hhumans as its sooo original for space monsters to look down on us as inferior
so lttle blue sez hes been trying to protect big blue and  big blue is too dumb to get it and thinks its all him so nerd little blue quits and leaves him to bite it when he goes to urth
even if you hate now him you should try to keep him alive
imagine him vivisected as he's opened up like in genocyber and nerd blue is watching and laughing
btw i never saw this b4 but it seems pretty predictable
movies are all cookie cutter cr-p now
no more watership downs or land before time 1's
its all home (the cr-ppy alien movie about that alien played by the big bang theroy nerd ) and norm of the north
no one takes risks anymore
movies are dead!!
so nerd goes home and his wife sez tthey otta get along
aalsso hes got rocket boots that totally woont come in handy later as that woupld be obvious
so on da news big blue is on urrth looking for a distress signal and finds a 7 11
he thinks the waving tube man out front is a person in need of help
it gets popped and he goes mental which is kinda fun as its so dumb
then the humans attack and he fights em off but dont cause any acrual harm to em
he gets tranqed and this army guy kills da feed
so nerd calls but as he quit he gets hung up on and his wiener kid tells him to help big blue
then a sad moment of nerd talking to son but its really a dog as son went off to save his uncle
nerds wife (who is superior to him in eevery wayy as its totally never been done b4 in any other movie and not cliche) uses the rocket boots to get to the ship son is jacking and stop the launch
then for once this lopser decides to be a man and jacks the space ship to save his meathead bro
wife truys to get help but the b--chy chick working there dont losten to her as she left the place to raise her kid
so he crashlands and the scout pod self detonates
so at the base, the army takes off his suit and finds some magic new element stronger than atonic stuff
so its protoculture from robotech?
maybe the sunlight thing from plan 9 from outer space
so naerda55 goes to the 7 11 and freaks out when it sees 2 loser humans who give him a slushy
it gives him btainfreeze and da gov comes in, tranqs the loserrs and captures the nerd
btw they had live action humans in its history of earth but now we got cr-ppy cg ones
at da base they show him a 50s instrutional vid, then brainscan him to check his IQ and finds hes a genious
Army guy p;ayed by shatner puts a collor on him and wants to work with him but then put on a wig and skypes his alien gf from blue blanet and wants more protoculture
the planet is called bob (but is spelled wrong) like titan A E
so nerd is in jail and meets the other loser aliens in there who all invented the cr-p we use today that the army jacked and sold for cash.
in jail he meets hid big bro who is stull butthurt over him
on bob the wife and son check the stats and find the pod blew and only the mission control ccan blow a pod
then theres enuff protoculture to nuke the galaxy and the b--chy alien catches em but the kid escapes as ids saving the dasy is totally original
even the cr-ppy spy kics movies never did that
so at lunch big broo is a jacka555 to nerd and a food fight breaks out and theres a bit of b/w footage with 20s piano on a secruity cam like a silent fikm
in the fight, bros get the secutity key and unlocks something but shatner comes in and makes em work on the asteroid gun powered by big bloos protoculture someoone him in his suit
sgatner tested it on hauly's comet and nukes it
big bloo busts the protoculture thing and shatner takes em to a chammbr where big bloo is put in a capsule fiilling with water as he goes on a cr-ppy speech until its full and frozen solid
so nerd agrees to fix the reactor but dont thionk he should but the other aliens wanna trust the army shatner
he decides to fix it anyway and after it; sgatner sez hes not letting em out incase he needs em later
also a shape craft crushed his dad as a kid
so b--chy alien has got nerds wife and son and after hanging up, shatner sez he's gonna take ourt all aliens palnets
sounds goood
they're space daemons anyway
then nerd is frozen in a water thing like his bro
so kid has blast tape that he jacked and no one searched him for and uses it to free himself and mom
kid hides in the control center and locks the door so they think theres no one in there snd move on
thats clever
so shatner is gonna nuke bob planet and stuns the aleins who try to stop em with stun collors
he goes to nuke it but the thing nerd fixed was a trap and blows the machine and all their tech
1 big cyclops alien goes hulk on the soldiers and nerd and bro break outta the freeze tubes
big bro is not fully defrosted like mr burns at lisa's wedding and nerd has to carry him
then red hulk opticlops saves em fromaa freed alien and their friends carry broo bro
the sodliers have freeze guns as you cant have real guns in movies anymore and the aliens taker some and freeze the humans
in batman the animated series they had real guns
that was on tv in the 90s
so they get out and bro is defronsted
so b--chy alien is bringing the protoculture and shatner tells her the guys she sent f'd it
wiffe confronts her for betrraying her people and chick pens the airlock but its closed b4 anyone gets hurt
wow, no one dies. what a bad a55 film
i mean besides the guys dad as a joke
oh and shatnners character here is like anatole leonard from robotech as hes a high rannk alien hating guy bend on taking em out b4 they get him
he's even dating a space monster like in the novels
does this mean shatner's character is into creepy SM b0ning??
so the space monkeys get to a traiilor park and meet the losers who would be stoners if this were pg13
big bloo finds his ship dusguised as a big a55 trailer and they leave
but veritechs i mean jets chase em like in independrnce day 1
they get hit and nerd calls for hellp but only his wiener kid respo9nds and jacks in to the station and controls the ship from lightyears away
they evade the missiles and the pilots chasing em bite it
they were just doing their jobs and were killed
thwy probably had fams
then shatner come up in the bloo blos armor using a tractor beam on the ship
nerd and big bloo jump him and pull the wires to the ship i mean power armor and  it blows apart as they all fall
the bloo bros reconsile and are saved by the small aliens
small guys say they worked for him cuz they fellt bad about icing his dad
but now are gonna gang probe him
also they sound like the beatles (so they ARE the bad guys)
shatner comes at nerd but this candy a55 nerd space monkey slugs him out in 1 punch.
whoever wrote this must really hate humans
probably some drama club dink who does this as his way of deakling with his feelings of being beat up every day in high school by the alpha male teens who got all the girls and drove ferarri mustangs
so the space fraks get home and everyone cheers and son wants to be a mission control guy like his dad
then 72 hours later, big bro gets married to the news chick
also the waving sarm tube man is there somehow
as are the loser humans
and nerd sez if you wabbt adventure you dont need to go out cuz it can be with ur fam at home
like the blue bird from 1918
a movie made almost 100 years b4 this got ripped off by it
wanna do the man wgo laughs next??
the end
that wasnt bad
yeah i b--ched at it for being unoriginal but its not awful
iys got some color and its got some entertainment
i dont hate it and it had a few good twists
the ending had some heart aand it was sorta clean with no swearing or nude scenes or gore
but i like fist of the north star and its got that in it
its got a few good thigs to it and the anumation is pretty good
the characters all look diffeent, and its ripping off robotech
for escape from planet earth 2 i want a new alien race to take over and enslave their bob planet and the nerd and his bro escape. They realize this race is a hive mind that is controlled by the core of this planet they are from. And the only way to beat em is to use the planet buster to take em out. So they gotta get help from the ary guy they beat in the last one. Also its a 16 bit toejam and earl sstyle gamme on sega genesis, snes, gba, tg16 and atari jaguar where youplay as either bro, the army guy and his 2nd in command homie and go across these areas to find the pieces of the planet buster and once together, it takes out the alien planet.

Tuesday, January 28, 2020

WaxWorks Review

note; i spell wax a licious
wax works
this is my review on wax works from 1924
its directed by paul leni and has emil jannings, conrat veidt and werner krauss from the good german silent films
i never saw this b4 but heard it looked cool
so it starts at a carnival or fair or w/e like in the cabinet of dr caligari and this guy goes over to answer a wanted add for a writer for the wax works place
the owner of it wants him to write storys for the wax figures
was this common back then?
shouldnt they have the story b4 making it?
so the characters are spring heeled jack, ivan the terrible and some turk i never heard of who ruled bagg dad
turks arm fell off and writer chooses to write a story of how he lost his arm
but if hes a historical figure who had 2 arms, this is all lies
its like thagt Noah movie with Russel Crowe where he fought cains relative on the arc in a deathmatch and wanted to wipe out humans
so he writes the turk was fun and hated boring cr-p and had a differenyt wife every day of the year
the hottest o e was wife to someone else i think
then the movie shows main guy and his gf as the guy and hot wife and he was playing chess each day with the vizer
the area is reallt wrird and has that good german expressionist look
so main guy bakes something and the smoke goes into the turks  room and he orders the main guy iced
i guess it meant turk was playing chess not main guy
a guy, i think the vizer trys to ice him but he dont notice and natually evades
viser has the hots for maIN guys wife (theres a commandment against that)
main guy trys to be romantic with his wife and feel her t-ts but his hands were just baking so he  messes hervonly dress
so is she giinna go around nude?
could do the austin powers thing with her bod hidden behind stuff
so viser returns and tells turk about main guys wife being sexy
so he desiced to fake being commoners to check her out
at night wife is bummed about not having anything or goinf anywhere and main guy sez he'd jack turks wishing ring
he has a wishing ring?!
is this like tthe anime aladdin movie??
so main guy goes out to steal (theres a commandment against that) and turk goes in her place and lox da door
he tells her who he is and her lack of clothes dont bug her even though shes weaRIMG a drsss and flirts with her
in the real version they were b0ning i'd assume
and as he's a monarch he dont need consent
just like soviet england in the castlevania days or w/e rob roy i mean braveheart takes place
meanwhile, main guy goes in the palace and uses a swod to lop off turks arm to get da ring
if he has a wishing ring, why not with to be invincible?
or fly?
so he runs through the weird dr seuss palace and is chased by guards til hes on the top of the thing
like a video game, he jumps to a tree and escapes
meanwhile, the turk is still with wife and shows his wishing ring and hot to use it
then trys to smooch her but main guy arrives and da door is lokked
theres no way in or out and turk hides in da oven as main guy busts in saying he iced da turk and took his ring (theres commandments against those)
then the guards come in and geet him
turn tells wife he has a ax figure in his bed when he goes out as i sguess he'd get in trouble if he breaks cerfew
but he rules this slum!
what are they gonna do? vote him out?!
wife takes the arm and uses the ring to wish back the iced turk here and he comes out of the oven
turk makes main guy his personal baker and forgives him for wacking him
back in da muserm the owner likes it and then main guy writes about ivan the terrible
he makes hi look bad and like a psycho but in real life, he was oly tough as they iced his wife and he was getting revenge
is the punisher the bad guy for wacking all those guys??
how about the crow??
so ivan and his astrologer went to da dungeon to mock their posioned victims
he had an hourglass fir showing his victims how long they will live
the 39 wizard of oz ripped thiis off!!
he wrote the name of his victim on the hour glsass b4 icing em and 1 guy, the astrologictier?, warns him to beware his poison mixer as he might starscream him
so poison master fears ivan will ice him and writes ivan on the glass
hes caught by some sasquatch guy and taken away
later, a noble comes to remind ivan to come to nobles daughtrs wedding
ivann is wary of thing but goes anyway
but decides to swatch places and he's fake being the driver in case of a hit
how does ivan know how to drive a cart?
hes the czar. i doubt they taught him how to man a  2 horse open slay
so they go there and he sez the czar bit it
oh hes got an arrow in him
but ivan reveals hes the czar and this was a trap
daugghter is bummed seeing her dad get j fk'd on her wedding day and right after they take noble out, the cart goes on its own
so the weeding is ruined and everyones bummed but ivan tells em to drink cuz ibn russia everyone is drnk all the time
thats why they bite it at 55
he orders em to have fun and while noble daughter is hugging nobles body, ivan has her brrought in
her husband complains of him jacking his woman so ivan sends him to the toeture chamber
what is tthis? the soviet union??
on her weedding knight he lets her go but she sees her husbando in the chamber getting SM cr-p doone to him and ivan tres to b0ne her
but astroman sez ivans been poisoned and he only has until the sand runs out to live
better repent
hold up
the hourglass is already going down and they found it in the poison masters things
but, czar has been out all day and now its night
and poisonmaster was iced yesterday
was this hourglass going for the last 30 hours?!
it dont look big enuff to do dat!!
logic ewrror!!
also the hourglass is 80% empty in both halfs
idea; he flips the hourglass to get more time
zangeif; qvick! change za channil!!
holy cr-p ivan actually did that!!
i was just joking!!
then he flips it back and spazzes out a bit
a title card sez he went nuts and spent the rest of his life flipping the glass
bCK in da mureseim writers gf is sleeping and writer is tired and getting a bit nuts
he starts writing of spring heeled jack but freaks out when his woman comes to him scared as they are in the carnival in a weird overlaid film thing o them and the carival ghost look thing
i assume this is a dream
so wax owner comes after em and they kiss and fade out
waxman returns and sees em gone and books it
they are back and wearing stuff and these ghost like guys beat him up
then he wakes up and his gf and him is ok
he sez he dreame of spring heeled jack and they hug
the end
that was cool
weird,off beat, creative, clever, interesting, entertaining
good set design and stories
sorta twilight zone
i liked it
i always loved thosr weird german expressionist films and this one works
good pacing and feel
good acting and effects
its got that addams family pg horror style where its creepy but not adult
like the twilight zone or nightmae b4 christmas
would've been nivce to see the real story of spring heeled jack, but I understand them cutting it as the movie is like 80 mins already
for wax works 2 i want the wax museum to do another 3 wax figures baeed on historical figures but its set in the 80s and has 20th century figures like j fk and rasputin. also it shows how bad j fk was with his drugs and lust and shows rasputin as a hero. the 3rd story is about sasquatch. its also a 16 bit sega genesis, gba snes, tg16 and atari jaguar game where you play as various characters in these abd each level is a different story with a different theme.