Monday, January 25, 2021

Xtinction: Predator X Review

 Note; My spelling disproives evoiolution

xtinction: Predator X

this is my reviedw on xtinction predator x from 2010(The year of transformers season 3 in japan)

its also called aligator x and starts no one i know of

i nver saw it b4 but its on Comet and that usually has good movies

so after some logos that loo like a gamecube game we get guys boating around the bayou

the cops find an empty boat and call a guy and they both get eated by something in da water

then credits like a bad 00s show to 90s muics

so later this guys daughter sez on da phoine that her dad isnt there and no one knows where he go

also somneone wants to buy swampoland

a guy comes by and she aims a shotgun at him as she dont like him

hes a seinectity(nerd) and is just taking samples(sam- pulls?!@)

he gave up teaching and got into real estateshe's kinda b--chy at him and he goes

imagine if she put the gun in his butt and hgave him a suippository and eh blow apart?

so da sherrif comes by who sez nerd weas back for a few months and was barred from teaching for testing on animals

he wanted tro bring back an extinct tiger

so this is sebertooth?>

also she's his ex woman (the nerds)

sao them the cops fiund a piece of an arm and sheffir comes over and is p-ssed at the casual nature of the copsd

he thinks theres a man eating gater in da swamp

so is this gonna be primeval?

then a new guy offers chick 500 $ for a boating on da swamp

chick accepts even though she aint been hear for years

he wants her to taker him to some spot and she trys to takje him but something f's up

oh the engine got bcaught on something

also theres something in das water

so on land, new guy asks his blonde gf to marry him

it gets dark and theres werired souinds in da woods

its bigfoot!

chick goes out and finds some rednecks b0ning a fat guy and making pig sounds!

jk erally theyre feeding a guy to thje swamp thing

this huge a55 gator monster eats the guy

is this gonna be lake placid??

she runs back to da boat and the rednecks get her

da next day sgerif comes to a boat with cop in in and he['s f--kin up

also is a huge a55 tooth

so sherrif wants to find out whats eationg guys in da swampe

so chick wakes up in a redneck lab and they imply they b0ned the blonde

after taunting her, the rednecks take the new guy (future husbnand) outside

later nerd comes by cop and is gonna check the tooth

with the rtednex theres a metal sphere in da water nd they seem to feed him to it offscreen

then shrenif is in a boat and looking for chick

nerd tells cop that the monster is drying out in da water as something about fresh water and salt water

nerd sez theres a pliosaur which is a 50 foot seas lizard from the dino days

spoiler; evolution is noncanona nd the earth is only 60-0 years old, as proven by creation science

so later sherrif calls cop who tells him stuff but the phone f's out

so sherrfi climbs a tree for better reception ands ees the monstyer in the water

so it eats the guy in the boat who worked for chick who i never mentioned as he's not importrant

so chicxk trys to support blonde but blonde is too f'd out

chicj ttrys to answer a riunging phone buyt falls over

then a redneck comes in and rights her

she sez da ropes r 2 tight but he dont falll for it

she chats wuiuth him about what they dooing and he sez they majin monsters from bones

so coip coimes in on tyhe rednecks and pulls a gun but nerd nails his head and chicxk realizes nerd is behind everything

she gets b--chy over him p[robably icing her dad and she wishes she murdered him yesaterday

so he beats ko'd and when she comes to,, nerd whines about rednecks catching his ex woman

also he designed the monsater to be a chick so it can be used to breed and its ready to poop out eggs

but the waster would kil it

so nerd wants 1 rednek to give monster a tracking ddevice

later, nerd tells chickj that the sphere is a duck call for da monster and he wants her to sign over da deed or he'd feed cop to the tthing

she agrees and they untie her and she writes on loose bpaper held by 1 hand witrh nothing to press against

nerd tells redneck to tranq dart the thing and rednex are gonna feed em to it

but blonde flips a lighter asnd the rednex shack blows and rgew guysd escaPE

so monsater eats the boat they were gonna getta way in

oh and i think 1 redneck gets eaten

so nerd ttells remaining rednext to find and ice the guys asnd bring him the monster

shrerf is still in a tree and goes through water to land

cop bites it from blood loss and chicks choose toi go back as badds wont expect it

so chicks run anmd the monster jumps outta the weater like free willy, goes over a land bridge and eats a guy in other water

So redneck catches blonde at gunpoint and they fight as sherrif calls in tthe monster to his guys who dont buy it

chick runs into boat guy who workled for her i thjink (didnt he get eated?) who pulls a gun on her and is revealed to work for nerd

employee gets redneck who was probably b0ning the blonde and caps redneck cuzx nerd told him to b4

he drives them and reveals he betrayed her dad cuz his dad f'd him up or something (i cant tell with his accent)

wait, its cuz her dad b0ned his mom and made him

sherrif stands in da roasd with his firearm and jups at da llast minute and truck crashes into a building and somehow starts a fire

sherrif trys to save employee but he gave up on life and right after they run the place blows

wtf the guys name was froggy?!

like, sonic adventure DX?

so the monster is ready to poop out its kids and the good guys go to the next with the sphere thee

if its tuirmned off the montset bites it for some reasn

but nerd comes in with blonde at gunpoint and goes on a tirade about science and nature and cr-p

he throws blonde in da water and chick and sherrif bewat on him and throw him in da WATER TOO

MONASSTER EATS HIM LIKEV EWVERYU MOVIE LIKE THIS AND HEY SAVE CHICK i mean blonde

f caps lock

then it comes on land and they fight it and they blow its head off with dynamite headdy

so the dr's come by andchicxksez shes gonna stay there and probabnly date sherrif

holy f the sheriff was the guy in white chicks and a night at the roxbury

then we see theres another monster in the water (like late placid?) and credits tpo 00s moucs

marine coordinator; danny cosmo

channel ur cosmos seiya!

deputy miuchael mmoore?

l;ike the fat commie?

the end

thazt was pretty good

standard direct to video monster movie

sorta like sharktopus or something

a bit from jurassic park and other films

but over all its not bad

it trys to ber srs but its a bit cheesy

its not great or anything but for a cheap monster film, its not awful

its worth a watch kinda

For Xtinction Predator X 2 I want it to be 20 years later and the monsters have taken over the bayou and its a forbidden zone. 2 treasurte hunters go in to find this lost confederate gold thing and  gotta fight off these monsters in exo armor with chainsaws and plazma cannons and gotta fight these things and other cryptids like a foulk monster and skunk ape. Its also a 16 bit hack and slash ghame like golden axe on Sega Genesis, Snes,. Gba, Tg126 and Atari Jaguar where.


Sunday, January 24, 2021

Spawn Review

 Note; i spell like h-ll

Spawn

this is my review on Spawn froim the distant future year of 1997

it stars mihael jai whiteww, john leguizamo, martin sheen, d b sweeny, miko hughs and has frank welker

its directed by msark a z dippe who did pixel perfect, halloweentown high, frankenfish, garfield gets real, a few other garflied things and the reef 2 high tide

i never read the comics or watched the hbo show but saw a bit of this years ago

it did well at da box oriface but critits slammed it

so it starts with narration about a battle between heanev and h e double england andf they recruit souls for it

then iots a milirtay base in pre soviet hong kong and a guy busts in and wasts everyone

he sets up a missile and takes out a guy who just landed there, then blows the area to cover his tracks

then narrator sez he fought for good but the violence in his life made him go to h e doub;le new york and we get credits over a fire tunnel to 90s music

lol, steve "spaz" williams

so then in the news it says the bad countrys hate amarica now(Just wait til the media starts bashing President Trump)

Then sheen is talking to a shaowed over guy about working with him and shaow man wants him to wack al simmons(like richard simmons brotyher?)

then its daytime and al is going to work and leaves his dog in charge of the hopuse

al was the guy from the start who wacked all those guys

he goes to see sheen and whines about howe the place he bew was supposded to be clean of innocents

and now he wants out but sheen sez he wont be happoy if he goes but lets him go after 2 more mission

he has to take out bio wepons

so he goes there and the plant is gonmnarelease the virus and theres a town near that will get f'd

sheen shows up and sez they'll be test subjects like with that guy in batman beyond

so this chick shootys al in the legs, sprays him wityh fluid and martin throws a cigar on him and he burns, then ther area blows

so he wakes up in h-ll and its a f'd city like the crow or la and he's all cooked

he meets miko huighs as he got run over in pet semetary and narrator isd there and narratos sez its a holy mplace

narratodr sez he can join em but he sez no and narraort sez treally 5 years have gone by and he comes back to earth cuz the bad guy did stuff

at his once hoome he seez a b day party with a huge a55 clown and her with his homie

he spazzes out and his dog licks his decrtoded face and his womans kid offers him candy

his woman takes the kid and homie tells al to gtfo and cloppwn notices him

so clown meets al in an ally is is a gross slop

clown tells akl hes ded and shows him a vision of him makking a deal with dark ruler to lead his army to be allowed tro see his woman agauinb and avewenge himself

clownn sez he's like a guardian angel and br8ings him to his bodyu to dig it up

some edgy 90s teens are having a black ritual and see him and he gets his spawn form

clown sez he can still diere and if sppawjnn fails they both go tpo h-ll

so back on urth clowneats a maggot pizza and narrator shows up and sez he killed fore good and wants to help al

clowhn has that 90s tude like bubsy like finding a maggot pizza and saying "yuck! i hate anchovies!"

so thenn there's a news thing of the woorld going f''d and homie in an interview

and sheen sez the plague they made by the town is ready and only they have the vaccines

totally not like 2020 with that similar thing

then spawn comes in and getsa his guns

homie meets sheen who thnx him for using the medias to make him look good

just like da bad prez from 08-16

homie wants to stop lying but sheen weont let him and implies he'se goona f up the homie's fam

they go to a party with high rank guys and sheen chats with guys about new stuff to use to f da urth

but homie gets word of a security thing

then spopawen crashes through da roof like batman and hgas a big a55 cgi cape

he cvonfronts sheen and throws him across the room and con fronmts homie over marrying his gf

he's about tgo cap em but the chickbad guy showes up and opens fire with 23 machine guns

spawen fires back and heals with his green power

totally not like The Crow

she fights spawn and he capsx her on purpose

totally bada55 as nowadays you can't have good guys intentionally icing guys

esp chix

look at those candy a55 marvel films

so spawn escapes and has dr octopus chains to swing from and da cops open fire on his a55

un til his grows a cgi capoe and turnsd invidibl;;e

but after turning bak a piece of roof falls and tyhey fire on him(totally notg like ben hur)

so he flies off on his cgi 90s cape

so the cops clean up the mess after and sheen chats with clown about not warning him about spawn

clown sez to hook a device to his heart so if it stops the plague is released and sheen is to release the plague soon

later, soawns gf does a presentation on the plage in korea that f'd the vtown b4 and spawn sees the gfs kid and dog

she thinks his face is cool and they talk and he reveals he knew her mom

thej fat a55 clown in a cheerleader outfit dances as this is the 90s and dark ruler calls him back tro h e double soviet new york and sez he has to ice scheen and relase the virus to complete his army

homie comes forn gf and kid and tells em the attack and they go and leave the dog as he wont comer and knows the way hgome

in da afterlife, miko is gonna get beat by his dad for barfing rotten food but spawn beats on dad, but miko mido saves him

oh and the dog spaz went withj him

so sheen gets a heart moniter installed in him and spawn in a burned out building, totally not like the crow, chats with miko

sop clowhn meets spwn and spawn sez clown set him up

clown sez its his destiny or w/e and  clown grabs spaz and al caps him

clown digivolves to a big cgh action figure and fights spawn

spawn shoots the floor and they fall after being grabbed

then clown vanishes, shows up, grabs miko's dad and throws him

btw spawns face mask comming on it toptally not like venom

so  he vanishes again, attacks spoawn from behinmd and throws him around

then turns back as spaw is crucvified on a fennce

clpown mocks spawn and sez hes gonna b0ne his gf and goes

but narrator shhoewws up and gets him down

meanwhile hoimie downloads files aand nasrratopr heals spawn

then trys to get spawhn to stop following anger and vengeance and violence

oh and to let gf go

so he trains spawn to use his tentacle chain nipples like its that scene in the BAOH manga

also he tells spawn if he uses too much power he bites it

sp spawn goes off on a mototcycle and fights clown in a truck

the truck spills slime and spawns cycle falls so he uses his cape toi make a spike in the groundn and truck blown after ramming it

meanwhile, homie sees the files on a gamercube disk of the plague

he's gonna send the data to the news who will totally not block it to help their acause like with joie's kid on twitter

then sheen comes in, and blows the 90s computer

then clpown comes in and sez spawns comming

later al comes in and sheen has gf in a weird h-ll thing at knifepoint

he sez to join h-lls army or she gets it, then knifes her

sheen sez he's got nothing to fight for but al sez he still has revenge

totally not like hokuto no ken with shin

he beats on sheen who reveals if he gets it, the virus is out and he dont care until sheen sez the kid gets it too

he spares sheen and gf comes back to life and beats on spawn and nails him in the neck with a knife and turns back into clown

he was gonna use this to start the apocalypse but 1st is gonna b0ne the gf

then narrator comes in, drives off clownm and helps spowan heal

then they go to h-ll by the fireplace and it looks like a n64 game

theres a big a55 cgi fight with narrtator, spawn and cgi monster clown

spawn wuins with a blade punch in the nack and dark ruler comes up sasying if spawn wont lead the army he must die

al these other spawns show up and spawn nukes em with his ki

then he gets narrator and both get outta h-ll

spawn sez he has no place there as gf has a family and he is gonna join narrator on the side of good

miko mido brings in spaz and cgi clowjn monster comers through da wall like fredy kreugar and starts esting spawn

but he grows spikes and uses his chains to take off tyhe head

kinda like that chick and cesaR in urotsukidoji 3

clown head turns back and gets sucked back to the fireplace

homie reveals to the media he was tricked to help sheen and is outing him now

then we see the dark ciuty in the rain as spawn stands on a buolding and looks bada55 as nattarir sez the dark rulers plans arte stoped for now

the end

that was pretty cool

really 90s in look and feel and style

good effects that seem nostalgic

good acting and music

good stgory that kinda rips off like 8 other things

i liked it and it holds up

better than titanic which was 5 hours of sh-t!

this is cool and bada55 and has good stuff going

glad i saw it. no wonder people loved this

yeah its not super original and its not deep

but its entertaining and cool

although some people wanted this to be darker and edgiedr and r rated and the actors of this didnt think it was good

but hay, it made like 2x its budget. someone loved it.

Oh asnd they got Dr Claw from Inspector Gadget as the dark ruler

Maybe that's why we never saw him?

for spawn 2 i want the bad guy to summon a big evil army tyhat takes over the earth and he has to fight them off. also he has been givenm angel powers from The Lord for renouncing evil and goes through the continents to clear out the daemons. its also a 16 bit sega genesis, snes, gba, tg16 and atari jaguar beat em up game where you play as spawn or the other guy from the 1st film.

Saturday, January 23, 2021

Mercenary For Justice Review

 Note i sp[ell like this guy acts

mercenary for justicve

this isd my review for Mercenary for Justice from 2006 (The year cr-p happened in the Robotech Comics and Tranbsformers Season 3 did it)

its got steven seagal, and no one else i know of

aparently the production of this was a sh-thouse cuz of seagall f-kkin it up

its directed by Don E. Fauntleroy who did roday you die and urban justice

i never saw ity b4 but hay, its got seagal

so after logos that look likje a bad Playstation game, we get title and weird editong of guys talking of super agents and clips of tyhem

something about hackers getting into some system, i dont know, its badly made

oh they want seagal to do sh-t for em as hes some kinda ubermench

then theres some battle in spoviet south africa

this whole thing looks pretty 00s as the camera work and filming and lighting and colors

1 guy puts omething under a truck and drives it


then its the french ambassators place (is e the bad guy? i mean he IS french!!) and its highly civilized with clean sh-t and no filth


then this blonde comes in and wastes the gaurd easy and lets soldiers in


they capture the ambassator as their policy s-cked and they need him as insurance to get outta there and book it with him


so Soviet south africa is gone to h e double california and mercenariesd gotta choose between beiung b0ned dead inb a french jail, or b0ned dead in africa

reporters chat with the military about what to do and some are let through

also segal is fighting the lusty french with his crew and a reporter comes up to him and they know each otehr

btw i'm watching this on Charge and they blcnk out the swear words and blurr the mouth

in 1 silent film this guy just told dirty jokes fort his scewnes as there was no audio recorded

when the movie came out the deaf fans were horrified as they read his lips

oh my freekin eyes!

segall calls a guy who sez he's not helping him (its the guy from the 1st part)

so the black guy gets blown out and bites it as he's not the main character

reporter tells a soldier he killed an innocenbt man about another guy getting it

the mercenaries who caught he frenchie tells the army guy they got him and he orders his msoldiers to stand down

so segal gets in a chopper with his droogs and theymissile launch at the frtenchies attacking em as they go

then its soviet florida and this black kid is playing PS2 and segall comes to the house as one of his guys lives there


oh its the black guys who bit its son


he comforts the wife and sez he's gonna get the guy full homors and a proper service and look after her

then he takes down 2 guy in a black van and calls this gov guy and sez hes comming for him

then jacks the van and gov guy sees guy from start in photoes doing stuff

the mercenaries get segal at gunpoiint and drive with him

he m,eets reporter who's with the mercenaries and meets start guy who wantys him to dop something babout a greek guys son in soviet africa

they wanna bust him outta jail for the greek arms dealer

greekmo alsofunds the start guy but if he spends 2 much he gets iced

also start guy caught the wife andson and is gonna send em to africa unless stallone goes with em

this seems to have ripped off commando with Arnold

gov guy gets reporter i think to work for him by pressure i think and both them and segal and guys go back to soviet africa

there they breif the moission an say they gon do it during a guard shift change and have a fake aleart tyo draw guards aND get the targett

1 guy wants to use nerve gas but stallone sez it would just waste the tsarget ansd makes a jab at him

gas man asttacks stealgal but segasl takes him down easy

reportewr i think gets info on stallone and gives it to gov guy

gov guy goes to a hotel and tells the poliece chie about the seagal thiong about a bank job planned

wtf does this have to do with seagal?

is this a separate movie they tacked onto this?

after a tour where chick takes photoes with her bracelet camera

later sehgaz and another womasn have dinner in a fancy restaurant and calls stasrt guy for proof of the wife and son being alive

he does this andseagahl goes to the cr-pper and a hot man comes for him

despite having segal at gunpoint, he stands there and segal beats his a55

segal meets a fellow detroit boy and they leave the hitman in the f'd cr-pper

sehagl dances with this woman and the next day, gov guy sez the crooks r in da bank and summons every cop to it

as he goes tyo his car, segail has him at gunpoint andtells him he dont woek for him anymore

then its at tyhe decroded jail and the mercenaries go in da sewer to matrix sounding music

in jail they shred guards who have no bullert holes or blood and they findson is not in his cell;

thewy go to the center of the area andopen fire as  guys fire on em fora few mins

what is this? violence jack?

2 guys gedt out of da jail in some kinda tank like in nadia the secret odf blue water on sega genesis and it survives being hit with bazookas

segal slips away and goes to da bank saying hes a agent anmmd sez theres a threat

his hacker homie disables the phones so bank guy can't confirm the thing but stallone takes charge anduses a key card to get in da vault

chick jACKs in her computer to get aXIS and links hacker in to get the code

they transfer data and segal callsa greeko and sez he has info on his arms dealings

also son is alreADYU ON A PLASNE TYO CONFEDERATE kANSAS

F caps lock

stallonal calls start guy who sez his plan is f'd but he'd spare the fam if segal wires him 100 million American Dollars (or 10 billion yen)

he lets kid talk to segal but is gonna ice em anyway

greekmo gets arrested and da cops show up at da bank and find out abbout jean claude being in there

segal shoots and a55 beats his way out

imagine if he roundhoused a guy and it tore him clean in half?

he beats down gov guy and detroit guy takes em in as tthey goi quietly and in da van he uncuffs stallone

ddetroit boy pix up hacker and beat up cops get up and gov guy is arrested for having 52 million deposited into his account by dolf lungdlern to make him look bad

start guy sez he never touches a gun and sems kinda fruity and strange this whole film

mom and kid are dtriven off to a house and put em in A GUARDED BEDROOM

why not just cap em?

so seagal and crew comer to the lighthouse start guy was b4 and his crew attacks the lighthouse

detroit guy gets hit but its ok and segal finds froma shot up guy that the fam is in a safehouse

they throw a guy off the lighthosue and he smashes intyo a car roof and they go off

segal sneaks around the house and takes guys out stealth

aikido is what a samurai does w/o a sword

not a ninja!

bugsy segal and his crew use silencwers and take guys out

wife fakes needing to dump and when talking with guasrd, stagal comes in and ends him

chick and detroit gets wife and son out and they taken out the last few guys

start guy calls his dead guy and gets no response

he goes out and stalan is there and he points a gun at him

stalin tells himthat he's the only guy who can get things done and bad guy walks off to his car

as he drives the car blows and stavel laughs and they drive off

then a ceremony of the black guy who bit it 2 hours of tv ago

the end

that wasnt so bad

yeah it takes a bit gto ghet going

but its not hateable

its got good action and once you piece the story together its makers enough sense

good lighting and music and its entertsaining

itys not perfect, but for a directal to video action film, its enjoyable

glad i saw it. its a not too bad way to kill 2 hours

for mercenary for justice 2 i want the greek guy to get off as he got his lawyer to f with the jury and now he's after segal for wronging him. so segal and his commandoes bring it to him and battle in his slum country fortress. Also its  1 16 bit run N Gun game like Contra on Sega Genesis, Snes, T16, Atari Jaguar and GBA with up to 4 players, Segal, Detroit guuy, chiuck, and hacker in a mech suit, and you fighhti through the slums to get to his base and fight him in a mech armor the size of a whale

Saturday, January 16, 2021

The Revolt Of The Slaves Review

note; got a new keybard so imma not used to it so my typing is a55

the revolt of the slaves

this ismy review on the revolt of the slaves from the distant future year of 1960

its about the attack and massacre by nat turner in the 1800s

jk its an italiano film set in ancient rome

it stars Rhonda Fleming, 1 of her husdbands, and a buncha europeans i never heard of

its directed by Nunzio Malasomma who did nothing i heard of

i never saw this b4 but saw its on and my dad wants to see it

huh, its based on the book Fabiola from the 1800s which was made as a thing about how the evil england oppressed Catholics

Sounds pretty Mel Gibson

it was made as a counter to chRLES kinglkksys anti catholic book

so it starst with people in rome opr greece or w/e (its the sam erthing) as italianos walk around in SM outfits to credits

wtf, titanus rome?!‪ the zord!?

then this chick rides a bunch iof chariots through town and lols

1 guy gets outta his chains and runs and guys bet on if he gets oaway

he dont and is punished by getting his hand circimsized

1 slave attacks the guards and fighhts with hsi chains

the black guy is gonna circimsize his hand but 1 rich guy buys him for 400 gold as hes a good fighter and useful

lol his name is fabio

like that tommy wiseau looking guy

at rich guuys home he has a phalllic gold thing brought in and chick and her homie maximus are talking about how he s-cked and he ewants her

oh the phalllic thing is a clock and they have a lot of em

he's a sucker for clocks

a clock sucker

so she meets slave and she's having another feast as 2 guys do WWF things

do the camel clutch! break his back! f--k his a55! make him humble!

seb dont like WWf and chick thinks he otta get married

valerian is malcontent seb might repolace him

so chick wants slave to fight but he dont consent

so she gives him the whip

then this big a55 cake is brought in and as they cut it birds come out

the birds probably sh-t it up inside

so as he's being whipped she chats with him and he sez he didnt wanna fight as he has dignity and was enslaved for tax evasion

thats big gov! just like westley snipes!

1 guy gets the rack but its just him testing it out cuz the Christian who was racked didnt confess

so valerio wants to find out if chick is gay for seb and sends a guy in on it

later chick is walking intotally not daytime and A GUY FOLLOWS HERTO A SECRET CHURCH

WAIT I;'M NOT SURE ITS CHUICK

WAIT I THINK IT IS

f caps lock

so she tends to wounds of guys and the follower whos a cripple with a limp is identifiued as a member of nthe states poliece by a high rank roman there

they cut him open and start b-000ning his guts

jk they are gonna ice him but let him goas seb uses an intercoomor w/e to say so

so he sez this place aint savfe and they relocate like in beast machines when their base is found

so spy comes back ands sez valeria dont gotta worry about seb but he's gonna tell more l8r

so spy goes to the emperor (mazin kaiser) who outs the guys he saw in the church thing

ceaezerdont buy it but giovbes him a chance to prove it and if he wins he is made the new cheif of poliece

but he';s not an angry black guy who yells at the main guy for nuokinmg half the city to stop 1 druggie

later the Christians are gonna escape but chick (oh it wasnt her) finds out slave is one and slaps him but runs after hearing her cousin is 1

oh tyhe Christians were captured and chick goes after em it totally not daylight

2 guys take out horsemen with a rope between em and the christians escape

imagine if it was a monowqire and slices em apart like in cyber city oedo 808?

chiurstians fight to dfefend themselves but 1 guy sez to lay doen and take it

spioler; its not murder if its self defence or war

david taking out goliath or samson kawboning philoliustiens was good

so later cousin chats with chick about how she helps em and good/evil and other power rangers stuff

later valeria sees spy aboutouting the Christians and going to torture a chick but these big buff leather wearing guys get a branding iron and axe and shove him in the dog pit to be b0ned dead by dogs

so coousin is gonna be arrested and chick defends her but cousin is gone

spy looks like the jewish and autyistic biog bang theory guys fused

spy chexz da bedroom and shes not there, but another phallllic clock is

he goes and slave comes in saying cousin is safe

later spy meets a guy from da church and later slave brings chick to the catacombs

guys are closing and opening new passages to throw off spys

but wont seing changed things reveal it?

so cousin is there and so is seb and chick dont get their Faith

so they take her to church as the bad guys or soviets oir brits or democrats ort commies or w/e come through the area to get em

the Christians escape and bust a pillar to drop the ceiling on the area a bit

2 guuys stayu behind to draw the bads away but circle back and climb up a thing, then go back after the baddz l;eave

the commies catch some and chick i think is caught after going to help a kid and the path  caved is so she couldnt go on

slave saves her and they is then caught by spy

so later they are kept in a lower ara like in that buffalo bill movie with anthony hopkins and they lower food in on a basket

1 guy was in there for tax evasion and is chained up so he dont ride the basket up[

wont they tell the basket is 200lbs heavier?!

so mchick wants revenge but turns as shes being less malcontent

so rich guy goes to see the czar and kaiser is still gonna trial his kid the chick

ricvh a55 sez the emperor needs his fams money to keep the empire running

is this how atlas shrugged started?

so spy has the rih fam arrested on accusations of being commie i mean racist i mean gay i mean pedo i mean consewrvative i mean on drugs i mean christian

i thiunk they wacked the rich guy too

in jail the wall is leaking as the river is overfloawing and they cut into da stones to let water in to float to the surface

the chained guy is gonna bite is and they try to free him but cant

so they baptize him so he dont go to h e double soviet california

later they are floatinbg in water and push up to lift a stone floore door

even though it would just sink them back down as theres no leverage

they get out and later it openly day and they walk around

so seb and spy are following the Christians and Seb wants em to have a fair trial

they meet a nice geezer who takes em in and chick tends to slaves woundhe got from saving her in the catacombs

sher feels bad for having him whipped

then they start making out

in the real version they were b0ning

later seb and spy come back to da city and see chick or cousin taken as slaves

he fights some guards pretty bada55 and gets taken down with a back hit

spy confronts him and he admits to being a Christian and is told to hand over his blade

he snaps it on a rock as its cheap cr-p and later later the regent grills him over being Christian

weait i think its the head of the guard

he offers freedom if they renounce their faith

but he sez they wont and head guy sez he's to be tortured and shot up with arows

spoiler; if you deny Jesus for man, He will deny uoyou before The Father

aka; getting sent to h e double england

the escaped Crhistians wanna go back to save Seb and chick rides off on a horse

chick goes to see the regent and sez she was wrongly arrested and dont believe in The Godf of the Bible

she is given back her items and is gonna wind up in h e doouble venuzaula

later she uses her riches to pay a chick to get the black guy to take out Seb fast

as he gets shot up he prays in his mind and gets iced after a few shots

wait, he survives as they just missed his heart and the Christians saved him

slave wants to use the catacombs to get to the arena whhere they ice em and save em

Seb wants them to nnot use violence but slave wants to fight on

chick wants slave and the Christians to renounce their Faith but he sez no

she jabbers on ands he gives her the backhand

eat that b--ch!

also Seb escapes and goes to the regents place and begs to not ice the Christians

also theres a Menora in the backgorund

regent thinks he's a ghost and spazzes out and Seb asks nicely to be free

so spy shhanks him

so then the commies of soviet rome are burning down Christian places and icing Christians

spy tortures Christians to get info on where the others are and threy doont give in but bite it

spy is gonna send em to the dogs who didnt eat for 3 days but priest is nice to em and they are nice to him

then the dogs eat spy back to h-ll

so latyer chick asks black guy for help but he nearly b0nes her and the chick she paid to help Seb  comes in and sez she's his woman

black guy is now the captain as spy bit it and underground, the Christians bust through walls in the catacombs

why but bust all the walls and have the scity sink?

later, gladiators fight in the colleseium And the chick she paid comes to chick saying black guy dont wanna marry her or help christians

she goes to the collesuem and the christians are being lead out

chick talks to blackm ghuy and sez she gave him all she hgas he sez regent gave him more

she fight him but is overpowered and locked up

so some Christians are crucified and set on fire (biurning cross?!) and a soldier sez if the christians get past the slaves they go free

then tells the slaves if they ice a christian they go free

meanwhile the main slave  leads his dudes intoi the chamber and they are met with guards

also theres lions in there

they battle and more slaves ice christians in the arena

chick comes in the chamber and her servent gets arrowed

chiuck releases lions in the area the guards reinforcements are coming from

cousin goes out to the area to be free and walks instead of runs and no one shanks her

shed and the Christians pray and black guy does something that i think takes her out

the christians fighting the guards come out and see it and throw down their weapons

then guards come and chick comes out and is with main slave nand he picks up cousins body

the regent is gonna have em j fk'ed but the audience wants em spared as they were moved by it

by popular demand the kaiser spares them

they walk off,and it ends

the end

btw this was pretty widescreen and in color

that was pretty good

sorta like the robe or quo vadis

its well made and has a good 60s style with not much blood or violence and no swearting or nude scenes

a decent tvpg show

good message and heart and its relatable today with big gov oppressing peoiple

and the big companys going after dissenters

glad i saw it. it holds up

It has good flow and don't drag and even though the slaves dont really revolt, its still a cool title that hooks you in

for The Revolt Of The slaves 2 I want the black guy to have wormed his way into being the new emperor and trys to tak out the christians for escaping his blade in the arena. also the christians are rising up and taking on the emperor and using weapons made of holy things from the past. its also a 16 bit hack and slash game like golden axe on sega genesis, snes, tg126, atari jaguar and gba where you play as animal skin wearing warriors that can charge their items with crosses they find and unleash a screen nuke to clear the area with holy power.


Monday, January 11, 2021

Black Dragons Review

 note; my keyboard f'd out so i gotta use an onscreen one and its gay

black dragons

this is my review of black dragins from 1942

it stars bela lugosi, Clayton Moore from the lone ranger, ken harlan from the penalty and Ethelreda Leopold from the 39 oz, bluebeard and the great dictator

i never saw this b4 but got it on a public domain dvd set and a friend suggested i do it

wtf, a copyright notice about distributing films?

btu this is public domain!

so after some 20s style credits, wait, i forggot to dsya who direectld it

its by willliam nigh (bill nye!) who did the ape and the gay cavalier and the strange case of dr rx

so japan alllegedly attacked honolulu and guys in suits talk about how da army is gonna build something somewhere

someguy sez they're making more ships and some are done on lakes

and something about a new base being madw

so after some placing blowing and burning and guys dealing, theres a war coming and tv suit guys are behind bad stuff or something

i'm having trouble following the story

then lusgosi comes over and chats to this dr there

lugiosi sez every one might bite it and has a steely gave

dr dont recall him and lugosi does something to him and he spazzes out and is monotone

he gave him a flu shot!!

so da suits book it and wonder whats up and 1 sees lugiso telling dr what do do

dr sez to readdy a room for lugosi and lugosi is then in a cab w/ a guy

later its the japanese embassy snd a body is found w/ a  japanese dagger

da cops suspect the dr of knowing something and are gonna  use his neice to get to him

niece comes by drs and a cop comes by too and both wanna c dr

cop finds out the iced guy was at drs party last knight and girl tal to dr but he sez hes staying in his rooom

hes probably j-rkin off to jean harlow pix

lugosi meets girl and sez shes hot and chaats w/ cop and denys knowing iced guy

lugosi goes to j-rk off too and the cchick sez hes hot but dont know him

she asks butler if he knows lugosi bbut he dont

cops wants too see dr and snoops around as butler chexx dr

in drs room its lugosi doing something to makke drs  voices say sh-t

cop books it butt returns in a window and snoopd but lugosi catches him

wait, its not cop, its some guy from da party

lugosi b0nes him dead andchick hears but when she comes in its lugosi who sezz he was humming

hum hum humming the keyboard djinn

they tallk aboot destiny (hero bloo d) and shhe goes and lugosi gets the body and puts it somewhree

so the cops find the body and think it was his heart as  lugosi did something to it

then cops find a plastic surgery add but no name mantioned

cops get this guy amos in soviet new york and  these though guuys come to this guys room in a hotel but he's spazzed out

lugisi wastes him and the toughs find him not there

toughs call the dr to see if hes there and butler sez ja

then they find spazzed guy iced w/ a japan dagger and can't call da cops as they r da bad guyz

good guys trust the cops

later we see a shadow like count orlockk in the chicks room and she wakes up and tells butler but then lugiso

theres no 1 there and lugosi thinks shes faking it to b0ne him

toughs come to drs place and butler sez dr cant be seen

1 goes up and sez to dr room that 1 guy is iced and another wants to tell da cops

lugosi in there has dr tel him to meet him in da celler and when they go there 1 tough trys to ice the other

they cap each other and 1 sees lugosi amd bites it

chick comes down and finds the bodys and cop shows up and she tells him

they go in and theres nothing

goood thing this is the 40s or there'd be blood

cuz no one bleeds in the 40s

cop sez the 2 iced were guests at da party and they see lugisi and go to see dr

lugosi takes a hidden door and lugosi in in the drs room and making hhim say covers for it and that he needs rest

he has aids

she tells cop  butler or bela looxx after dr and cop goes

someone drives a car out and later cops see2 bodys with japan daggers

later butlers gone and cops figger out the 5thh guest might be next

its amos and they wanna bring him over

amos gets a letter and readys his gun

its a plastic surgery card w/ penned on words saying their expecting him at midknight

cop jokes about marryin her to beat her up to get her out

like in Pirates of the Caribbean how backdoor bill whipped orlando bloom to save him

so cop sez the bodys she saw was found in the japan place

and lugosi gives em a note said to be from butler saying hes at a sick friemd

cop gooes and so do lugosi and cop and a guy follow lugosi in a car

i think he gets away

later amos is in a meeting and stops it as cop comes in and tells him about the guys being wacked

amos gives cop a note he got and cop wants amos to be bait for the killer

amos consents and they go back to da drs home

a cop goes into drs room and a guy sneeaks into the celler and finds butler

how long was he there?!

cop went across the country!

oh its cop who found butler

and only butler didn't feed dr da hole time

also chick is a private dick and dr was said to vanish on a ship in the asian sea

the realm niece was living abroad and contacted head cop too chck her uncle

then a masked guy comes down the stairs and in the chaos control, lugosi grabs amos and calls him a japan name and iced him

amos caps lugosi with his last life and the masked guy is sed to be dr

cops nab lugosi and dr sez it started in his homeland

in a flashback, japanese namzis meet a nazi and that lugosi is a plastic surgeon who gave facelists to this black dragon clan order to fake being white

how queer as in anime most japanese characters are blonde and blue eyed

they are to replace americans to stop demmocracy somehow

didn't streets of rage 3 do this?

so the ex japanese ice lugosi so no one knows , wait, they just imprision him, and this p-sses him off

hehas a guuy who looks like hhim in his cell and is gonna get out soon

so i guess he face swaps or something with just a few tools he has on him and now came back for revenge

also he gave dr a shot that devolved him

then lugosi bites it and america stops the spy rinng

the end

that wasnt so bad

yeah its a ww2 film set in its place, but its mostly well made

i had a bit of trouble following it but the acting and writing were ine and it had good mystery

good twistts and yeahh it didnt sound too real, but its probably based on reall stuff

for all we know its possibnle

oh and getting suurgery to go undercover was used in Team America World Police

its only a 1 hour photo play and is good b/w and fullscreen

lugosi is kinda both the good and bad guy soorta like a  film noir

looking back, its pretty good

glad i saw it

for black dragons 2 i want it to be about another atttempt by jjappan to get in america, but for it to be too get america to side with em vs the commies also its an 8 bit point and click game on nes, sega master system, atari 7800, tg16 gamme boy, gamme geat annd lynx where you play as an under cover ninja and try to solve your wayy through this building with info on who to get too help you win america over and stop commies tailing you

Sunday, January 3, 2021

John Wick Review

 Note: I review spell bada55

Jlohn Whick

This is my review on John Wick from the distant future year of 2014 (The year the SDF ! and 2 were nuked by a Zentraedi attack in Robotech)

Its directed by Chad Stahelski (ooh, a pole) who did john wick 02 and 03

And stars Keanu Reeves froom Bil and Ted, Bridget Moynahan from blue bloods, Dean Winters from SVU, Ian McShane from Jack the Giant Slayer, John Leguizamo from The Super Mario Bros Movie and Willem Dafoe from the GOOD Spider Man ones

It got a lot of love and a bunch of sequels

I saw this once and liked it

so after opening credits we geta busted up keanu comming outta a  car and watching a cellphone vid of him and a  chick, then him blacking out

then title and an alarm clark goes off and its b4

he goes around this big a55 house alone with photoes of his woman and haas a flashback of her biting it

this is all without words and done well

so back in the now, its her anniversery and he drives his ferrari mustang and we getta flashbavk to her buriall

wimmel dafoe chats with keanu and comforts him, then goes and thiss time the flash back ends

he gets a package and its a dog with a letter from his woman saying this is something for him to love  when she bittes it

keanu crys and its good actimg and he groows on the dog

later, dog wants to sleep on his bed and he puts  it on towels but when he wakes up, the dog  is licking him with its a55 licking tongue

my dad keeps thinking this film is gonna be supernatural with keanu having powers or the dog being hisreincarnated wooman

so keanu goes out in his ferrari mustang and dog comes with him

at da gas sation some soviet guys are thereand smoking and 1  trys to buy his  car but keanu dont consent

keanu speaks soviet back to em and drives off and later drives around n airplane place like a contra level

later keanu has da dog sleep in hs bed annd when he goes down with the dog, the soviets are in his place and beat his a55, slay his dog, and b0ne his car

jk about the last one

so he wakes up later and his dog is back in h e double new york and he burys his dog in the backyard

after cleaning up he has viet nam flash backs and to the lasy night

mewnwhile, the sovviet guys bring in the ferrarri mustang andd eanugoes to their underground stolen property ring to ask for it back

the guy there tells keanu who jacked it and it was the  son of this big boss

the soviets act cocky and tell him they f''d up his dog and after some gunpointing, they leave

keanugets a car from him and big boss calls underground road rage ring guy over him punching son

once its said son kills keanus dog and jacked his car, big boss undersands

latter son sees big boss and boss beats his candy a55 like vegeta wailing on kid trunks

its revealed keanu was a bada55 assassin who was S Class and super perfect who left the league for a woman

meannwhile, keanu takes a sledgehammer to the floor of his  home to dog up his  hitman items

son wants to ice keanu but big boss knows thats not gonna do it annd tells him to go get f'd

big boss calls keanu and aasks to settle things peacefully but keanu hang up

so soviet keanu takes a shower and hes got soviet tattoos like hes yakuza or w/e and gets dressed

a buncha guys come  to his home and he easily wastes em cuz hes a bada55 was schwarzenegger or jean claude

then a cop comes by asking about a noise complaint and sees the body in the hall and leaves

they know ach other and its cordial

then hemakes  a dinner resurfvation for 12and this midget andd 2 orc sized guys come in to clean up te boduys

i think this is the dinner resurvation

meannwhile big boss sends cassiidy from law and order to get keannu

then willim kaiser wilhelm dafo is  isited by big boss to ice keanu for 2  million dolleridoos

so keanu goes to a hotel and hay, randall duk kim from dragonball evilution is in this

btw this filme is super widescree wiith black bars eating a bit of the screen on my rents widescreen tv

so keanu goes too a lower area and into a secret club zone with a band

he chats with jimmy mcshane who tys to get him to call off his crudsade but keanu jusst wants to know where soviet son is

also mcshane sez theres no business done on the area  as its neutral ground

he chats with this chick he knew

at this rave area with a pool by it these guys are partying aand keanu, oh its the soviets who iced his dog

son dont get how  big a deal keanu is

f--king millennials

keanu gets a guard at gnpoint and letss him go and keanu goes i, ices a guard and interrogates//beats a guy whostole his car

then wastes him and  few other guys as he sneaks through the area

att da ppool he takes out more guys and the bikini bimboes flee and trys to get get the son but h gets away

keanu goes agyer him and wastes people in a club like hes a gun ninja

soviet son escapes in a car wearing a towel and we ddont see his foot long uncut man thing and keanu fight and kills more guys in a rave

this is how the matrix shouldve been

so keanu gets out and the green goblin trys to j fk him but the shot is a bit off and he espaces.

then the chick from b4 somes at him and he takes ger down and they fight

he dont slug her like he dows the other guys but she gets full on hits on him

just throws and grapples

he throws her throwugh glass and answeeers the phon for a noise complaint and catches the chick at gun to head

she sez theres a new plot thing to do in a hidden area by a church and he i think either pistol whips her out or snaps her neck

so the its day and he does to da church an caps people like itd the mus lim countrys the news ignores and gets to this jail cell under the area

he  makes priest open the jail cell and gets these chicks out of there and torches the money and computers in the cell

so  this big black guy is in the keanu room with the chick whos tied up and awake now and she gets free and caps him thhrough a pillow on his face

then at the shipping yard keanu gets a machine gun and gunfights these guys

then hes caught and tied to a chair and big boss tells him off over his actions

also he punches kanu and mocks him for trying to leave the assassin life

btw they call hm baba jaga but say its the boogeyman, which isnt quite right

keanu tells off big boss and sez hes gonna ice the son but is head bagged to be iced

then green goblin j fk's the bag guys and keanu fights em off

why idn't they just cap him?

so keanu escapes and caps the car and it crashes and keanu has big boss at machinegunpoint

dad tells him where son is and that they know keanus comming

keanu lets him livee and walks off and at the base thesoviets are at, son plays xbox and theres all these armed guards

wait, its just another soviet playing xbox

and keanu j fk's the gamer

thats for trusting microsoft!

so keasnutakes out more guys, blows their carswwacks more guys

ooh, he got the son in the gut

then a headshot

this i what animal rights guys are into; murdering humans for a freakin animal

like peta spreading lies about framers seducing children cuz they raised animals to be made into meat or fur

so keanu chex outta da  hotel and gets a car and meets green goblin and the chick is nearby

keanu sez hes retirerd and goes off

then green goblin goes with some guys to a place and takes off his watch and stuff and big boss tells keanu hes disgruntled over his kid getting it

then we see big boss torturing green goblin for not icing keanu

he gets up and takes out a few guys but chick caps himand big boss finishes him with extra shots

keanu goe to the place goblin got iced and chick sees and gets a call

keanu sees the shot up body of the guy from platoon and chick goes somewhere and jimmy mcshane sez her emmbership from the club is over and she gets gang shot

jimmy mcshane tells keanu theres a chopper being fueled by the big boss and kenu goes there in hs big black card

theres a car wrestling batlle as keanu takes out cars and kanu bumps their van to slam sideways into the piller

they a gunfight as keanu is in a car and driving around

its pretty bada55

its like mongols on horseback as archers

or fire emblem

keanu takes oout cassidy with bullets and car and big boss drives hisvan into kanus carso ram it off a cliff

keanu umps out and keanu faces off against big boss in the rain like a samurai  movie

they otta bullets so its a fist fight and kanu kix his a55

then soviet big boss pulls a switchblade and they fight

keanu tanks a knife wound, snaps his arm, takes the knife, and shanks him to h e double ussr

keanu walks off in the rain and we're back where it started

so he gets up and breaks into a vet place and treats his wounds

those are pet supplys. he's goonna devolve into a furry

so he steals a dog and goes home

the end

that was pretty good

good action, good style, good acting, good msuic, good story

it dont try to be meaningful in a spiritual or exestensil way

its jjust good bada55 action

i liked it

its like a stallone film or something

maybe jean claude

this isn't ur cool 90s aunts keanu from bill and ted

its bada55 21st century keanu

plus theres not much dialogue and it could be converted into a silent film

kinda like batman returns

its pretty bada55 and i liked it

we need more sh-t like this and not wiener kids crying in the wind like stuff kids get today

for john wick 2 i want the dog he got to be unbalanced and keeps spazzing out and trying to kill people. eventually is shreds a kid and keanu realizes that he was in the wrong to pu animals above people. also animal rights guys are working on a way to fuse human and animals to make them equal but they devoolve into grotesque abominations. soon they are taking over the city and mcshane's character coms in wanted keanu to take em out as they ate his kids. so keanu has to go around capping these abominations and taking on animal supremacists who wanna turn him into one of them. is also a 16 bit run and gun game like contra on Sega Genesis, Snes, Atari Jaguar, TG16 and GBA where you go around capping these monstrosities.


Friday, December 25, 2020

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians Review

 Note; i spell the way this movie is; so bad its good

snata claus conquers the martians

this is my review on santa claus conquers the martians from the distant future year of 1964

its the 1st film showing of mrs claus according to wikipediao and is seen as one of the worst films ever made

its directed by nicholas webster and stars no one ive heard of

i saw this b4 and yeah its cheee but its fun

so after title and credits to a cheerful song, we gget martian kids watchhing a news thing onan interview witrh santa at da nortyh pole

its -91 below zero which might as well be in space at that point

after mrs claus is on for a min, santa shows his elf  named winky cuz hes a b0ner, making martian toys

bttw this is full screen and in color

soo later the martian comes home and uses a ticckle ray on his slave or w//ee for sleeping

he was sleeping as he forgot howw and was practicing

his kids were watching eart shows and hhe  hates it and sends em to bed with sleep spray

What iss this? Rocket Revengers wirh Sleep Water and the Super Gernan?!

also 1 kid is named bomar

so kids all over da mars are disgruntled and they gget advice from an 800 year old guy

are this mars years?

cuz thats like 1500 earth years

hee  somehow knows abiut xmas and sez the kkids never played or learned to havve fun so tthey rebelll

So they're asian??

alssoo they need a santa for mars and the mars guys wanna jack da urth santa

but voldar, not goldar from power rangers, wants to not as the  kids would get annoying

so they go to earth pretty fast and the news picks it up and reports it wiithout the gov blockingg it

da  earth sends rokket synchron in attack mode after it but they do jjack sh-t

so da martians come down to earth andfind some kids annd neeed hep fiinding out wguich santa is the real one as theres all these mall santas

they capture the kids so the kids dont squeal and da news picks this story up prettuy quick

in the ship tthe slaave  from b4 shows em what the controls do

the dad comes up and rides his a55 and the kids hide in the coontrol box

at da northe pole the kids escape and the mars guysccome out voldar bickers with dad and reveals the kids got oot

1 space guy goes after em and the kids come across a really cr-ppy bear costume

at least we dong see it b0ning like wearwold sasquatch dracule with that keanu movie

after he's doone they see a big a55 robot that catches em and is by ther voldar

voldar wants em crushed and dad had robot done so it wont work for voldar

dad has the kids taken back and voldar is p-ssed that they aint a war people like they used to be

ust like with japan being bada55 in the 40s but candya66 today

so they go ino santas shop with  the robot and santa is impressed by how well its made

so the mars bboys come in and use a freeze gun to stun the elves and santa thinks they iced his men

btw it froze em with their eyes open so they'll go blinde by the time it wears off

they also stun mrs claus

so the robot has become a toy somehow and they just leave

so the news reports that santa was abducted by martians like its the weekly world news and the earth plans to use a rocket

this was made before the ALLEGED moon landing so for its time, it was ipressive to the 50s kids

like 2001 a space odyssey

only this actally has sh-t happening!!

so santa is having a positive effect on the entraedi and voldar dont like it

wow, robotech ripped this ooff too!!

also tommy wiseau makes us feel positive too

the kids are bummed as  they lead the space monkeys to santa and santa  comforts em

slave  brings em food and santa  sezz he makes him laff

the food is jjust pills like star trek in that em where they had to make the aliens feel human with human vices

so voldar is p-ssed again and  wants to ice the kids and acts nice to get em on a grand tour of the ship

step in 2 da grand tour!

shows pan and bra as 90s homie bimbos

so voldar takes em to da air lock and back door billy the kid  kknows about how it works

but voldar traps em in there and the kkids know he''s trying to waste em

santa is positive and trys to see the good in hhim but volday sets it to suck em into space to blow apart into chef boy ar dee guts

dad comes in and finds voldar sent the kids and santa to h e double soviet england and they fight badly

but after voldar gets his a55 whipped, santa comes in and sez its all ust an accident and he  and the kids escaped in an air duct

ike those things the gaijin from india  call you to  sell cleaning for

so they make it to soviet mars and want voldar  to stand trial

but slave was caught and tied up by voldar who gotta wayy

santa and the kids come over and see the mars kids who are bummed and they all laugh

mwanwhile, voldar wants to whack santa like khyron wanted to bust the SDF 1

also santa started a toy thing to make toys for the mars kids

but santa thinks just pushing a button to make toys cheapens it

also the kkids from urt are devolving itno mars style soul less kids

and slave  is told to fatten up to fit in the santa suit so he eats pills

the  he does  clothes stuffing to look fatter and puts on a beard and the suit

as slave goes down to make toys with out request, vaoldor and his goons f with the machine and hide

they catch slav in a santa suit and bring him back to their lair and  later the good guys think slave went out in his suit to have fun

bbtw, according to imdb, thhuis fil predicted the US Space Force

President Trump made this film canon!

so Santa makes the toy machine go and all the towys are f'd together like heads swapped or a base ball tennis racket

meannewhile, the bad guys leave and set up a dinintigration field so iff slave leaves he'd be dusted

so the good guys figger out the bad guys stole slave and voldar sez he's got santa and his demands are for them to stop trying to make mars for american and send santa back

then they see santa and dad hholds em at blaster point and sez santa has powers and tells his men to do sh-t

he traps em in a closet and in the cave, slave changes lightbulbs to try to stop the nucular (its sauid lie that)  curtain

he then escapes and in da base, voldar and his minion beat up dad and say they'e gonna bash the machine and stop santa

but back door billy hears em and outs em to santa

santa; so we meet again eh?

me; santa's canadian?! i thought hee was polish or german or w/e

so voldar confronts santa and santa unleashes his toys that spazz out and fire bubbles like milons secret castle and the kids bap him with whiffle bats

its a cluster f--k of random sh-t and i love it

minion sees slave show up and is gonna ice him but sdad comes to and stops him

so voldar is beaten by toys like in roboptech how the zentraedi were beat by music

later, santa and the kkids are gonna go home and slave is the new mars santa and  santa is nice and cheerful and heartwarming

then we see the space ship going off and stars and the song horray for santy claus as the earth comes ip

then the words to the song come up on screen after the credits

the end

that was sooo bad its fun

its entertaining, silly, offbeat and weird

its not normal but then again, burger meister meister burger and a camel calls quarter past 5 aint either

its a jolly time and if you dont mind it being random and zany, its  a good  watch

its only like 80 mins and has goood flow so it dont drag or feel long

i liked it and its a positive time thats only in the 60s when we got weird a55 Christmas things

For Santa Claus Conquers The Martians 2 i want voldor to escape and start an underground uprising for the people of mars to try to reclaim their old ways to putrge the cheer and joy or mas. But The new Santa has attained Xmas Powers from being the Mars Santa and has to take em on by going in their cave bases and space areas and cyber tech stuff and using his Xmas glitter blasts on em to turn em happy. Its also a 16 bit Sega Genesis, Snes, Gba, Tg16 and Atari Jaguar game where you play as  him and go around this area and cheer up all the bad martians who use lazer blasts on you and you gotta heal in pods around the area.