Blackbeard The Pirate Review

note; you cant make me spekkl right

blackbeard the pirate

this is my review on blackbeard the pirate(50s ver)

its directed by raoul walsh who was john wilkes booth in the birth of a nation

it stars some guy who popularized pirate voices

it starts with a poem about an armchair pirate

then text saying in the 1600s in spainish stuff morgan was after blackbeard

then Edward maynard(ed)  is sent on a mission to find out if morgan is still a pirate

he goes to jamaca and poses as a surgeon to get on the ship

as the row boat leaves the cops open fire

but the pirates reveal they have a girl morgan likes so they get away

hey get to the ship and later the ed sees a guy strung up

this screaming b--ch alvina screams

I should mention one piece ripped off all these historical figures

although in the 80s Hokuto no ken ripped off 80s historical figures like ryuuga looking like david bowie or hyui looking like huey lewis

the chick and alvina are taken to black beard and backsass him

blackbeard has charisma

hes bada55 and talks super pirate

he reveals the hung guy was the captan

the chick throws a knife at b beard

but it misses

he has em taken to the dutchmans cabin and has the Dutchman thrown out so he don't b0ne em

then ed operates on b beard to remove a bullet from his neck

we do see him cutting into him as its just offscreen

but they talk about it

b beard talks about getting morgans treasure

b beard has a monkey looking guy hold a blade to eds back so in he screws up the operation he follows blackbeard to h-ll

ed sez he and morgan were aquitted of piracy

ed finds b beards jugular vein and gets a note saying "kill him"

he reveals he knows eds a spy

the boat is fired on by a nearby forts cannons

the boat leaves as the cops tell the cannons they got the chick

alvina and the chick(Edwina) chat abot cr-p

the monkey guy sez b beard sleeps with 1 eye open

and he tried to kill him b4 but couldn't

ed monkey and a 3rd guy talk a plan about

ed goes in after getting a signal b beard is out

he climbs a rope into b beards window

this is impossible

no one can climb a rope!

he goes through b beards cr-p but b beard finds the rope

he tells a grunt to ice whoever comes up

b beard goes down and ed tries to escape but goes into a hdden area under the floor

but b beard starts going in

monkey boy saves ed with a secret door saying he hates b beard

man this is good

action, danger, adventure, drama

its pure entertainment

and that's the 1st 20 mins

the next day b bard accuses ed of stealing the ships log and throwing it in the "laserete"(wtf is that)

he admits he did it amnd sez morgan paid him 500

b beard laughs at him over the price

the men on board hassle the chicks and ed fights em off

then sword fight

ed wins

they throw the dad guy overboard for the sea monsters to eat

ed ta with chick over how the captain was a good guy

wtf

eds actually called Robert

I f'd up

she tells rob she has morgans treasure abord

later b beard gets alvina drunk and talks about the chick

alvina sez the chic takes nude baths

so?

thats normal!

black beard is aroused

then b beard brings in the chick and reveals her luggage treasure in it

also hre reads her love letters

black beard can read?!

also the captain worked with morgan

she hoots b beard but the gun only had powder and no bullets

he sends em away but stops ed as ed was smuggling letters and gets em back

b beard is smart despite being crass

hes like me

then he gets alvina drunker and talks about treasure

wait

the treasure wasn't in her cr-p

rob talks with the chick(I call her ed now)

they ear alvina screaming

b beard is chopping eds luggage and the false bottoms had treasuite in it

ed goes for a gun and b beard stops her

rob talks with ed about getting out

then they kiss

in the real version I think they were b0ning

then b beard eating a hunk of meat calls for rob

rob helps the chick get undressed as b beward calls for him

its revealed morgan wants to marry ed and b beard has treasure shares going to morgan

rob gets out and b beard sez to ed; if they go against him he'd sting em up

rob has a guy go out to get help and maybe expose morgan

rob damages part of the boat

later b beard b--ches bout the boat taking on water and going slow

he blames rob and wants to string him up

also whip him and roll him in salt

they tie him up, rip his shirt and whip him

this is getting 18+

pirate p0rn0

they stop at an island and b beard wants to set up cannons

he asks where the brown skinned girls are but monkey boy sez they heard hes commin and ran away

the men bury treasure

a boat goes by

they say its gon take 2 days to ready the cannons

later mon\key boy tells ed and rob morgan missed em and went by

b beards boys find a guy who looks just like b beard

b beard wants to waste him but its revealed the guys ret-rded and the ed sticks up for him

so b beard spares him cuz its bad luck to kill the ret-rded

later b beard is with treasure and a guy holds him a gunpoint saying he jewed him on the treasure

b beard talks his way outta it

oh and robs there too

later they bury the treasure t the guy don't trust b beard

rob goes to stop the rowboat from getting away and b beard chops a guy, leaves him in the treasure hole and hides the treasure under a big a55 rock

then buries the chopped guy

the guy sez he knows rob can navigate and he should be the real captain

so they work together

also he sez b bears always buries a dead guy with the treasure
later b beard hears theres men missing

and morgan and his forces are on the island

b beard wants to have his men fight morgan on the island and he takes morgans ship

rob tries to free ed by breaking the door with a stick

but 1st swordfights a guy

after icing him and saving the girl b beard gets there

the ret-rded guy comes by asking b beard to save him

he sez hes he king of spain

b beard sez the ret-rded guy is gonna ice morgan and he dresses the ret-rded guy in his clothes and tells him to act like b beard

the b beard crew fight morgan and theres good cannon battles

no one gets hit by em though

also a sword mass might

b beards guys bite it

rob sez bye to Edwina and hes gonna try to stop morgan

they kiss and leave

b beard sends the re-rtded guy out and caps him

then hides as morgan comes in and lops off fake b beards head

later fake b beards head is hanging from a rope

surpirzed they had tat in a 50s film

rob meets his uncle(ron) Jeremy

he finds morgan is governer now

and looking for rob

and ed is a prisoner in his palace

morgan seez himself as a hero for working with bad guys

also he wants tio hang rob to protect himself

like r fk having marilin monroew iced to protect j fk and himself cuz they b0ned her

and morgan wasn't to become a higher rank lord

rob is in the caslte and makes out with ed

she wants to get away with him

she goes back to the castle as a guard comes by

later rob is at the place ed agreed to meet him with uncle (ron) Jeremy

ed comes by and they leave in a row boat

they go to the ship and find the captain was iced

as they try to leave pirates take over the boat

so they hide inside the boat

then they find black beard

morgan gets word blackbeard freed the prisoners

morgan puts together everytng quick

he sets a trap for b beard

later on the boat b beard sends a man in to get ed and rob but rob wastes him with a gunshot

they see a Spanish thing and go after it

organs on it and they open fire on b beards boat

b beard realizes its morgan and gets ready to fight

he has ed tied to the boat to divert their fire

they cannon fire eachother

he also wants to tie up and whip rob

morgan sees ed tied up and ceases fire

but b beards fire continues

morgans boat gets busted up

the pirates board morgans boat and sword fight

its really action

yet no graphic gore or blood

morgan lets out his reserves and b beard retreats

b beard holds ed at blade point and morgan cuts em loose

the guy wants to get the treasure

b beard sez they'll go in the AM but the crew wants it now

did they just unionize?!

that's the end of them!

the crew goes out to get the treasure

b beard tells monkey boy that's the last he'd see of the guy and the rob

the crew digs where they saw b beard bury the treasure but its just a dead guy

the crew thinks he lied and are gonna burn his face with a fire heated pistol

but they find the real treasure under a rock

he tells the guy I just said was monkey boy(it wasn't)something as the crew returns

the guy goes to ice b beard

but these asiany guys stop him and he hides in a room

then b beard wastes him

then b beard wastes a few more guys

thren locks the union crew in the hold

monkey boy laughs as hes got a plan

red and ob plan to swim for shore

b beard orders rum and he gets not mokney boy to help him hide the treasure

the union crew escape and capture b beard

but the treasure falls into the ocean

the union crew takes him to the beach and digs a hole

but b beard beaks out pf his ripe and fights the guys

they shoot and stab him but he don't go down

they throw sand in his face and shoot him but he picks a man up by his neck

what a bada66

ed and rob escape in the pirates boat but a guy spots em

the pirates bury b beard alive and a guy outs the escapees

but they cant catch em

b beard is buried up to his neck and the tide comes in

the ed and the rob make out

the end

what about morgan?!

ooh, this was by RKO

love em

that was a fun movie

action adventure cool fights

no swearing or lust or b0ning or gore

just good tvpg pirate action

I liked it

plus the guys are smart and skilled and cool

nowadays they'd make them look bad

for blackbeard the pirate 2 i';d like it to be years later and rob and Edwina are outlaws fleeing morgans iron grip. they come across blackbeards son who no one knew about and he says he;s found a way to stop morgan once and for all. they go to a hidfdeen place blackbears jr was raised on a secret island and its got a magic item that can summon sea monsters. they call forth a mosasaur from the deep and it fights for them against morgans forces. morgan is also the leader of the navy and is trying to take over the sea to have total domination over the world.