Passchendaele Review

note; Austria was better in ww1 than soviet England. so I spell bad

Passchendaele

this is my review on Passchendaele

its by the gross guy

paul gross

when he was a kid, his grandpa told him of when he iced a german boy in ww1 with a bayonette in the head

later b4 he bit it he was saying sorry and only paul knew why

so he made this film

it came out in 2008 and was made in soviet Canada

huh

Wikipedia sez it got cr-ppy reviews

they also say OJ isn't a murderer and global warming is real

so we get text saying 90% of Canadians who went to fight for the evil empire of England bit it

I should point out my great grampa's were from Slovenia and fought for Austria in ww1

then we see paul gross in the war and 1 guy freaks put seeing whats eft of a fellow soldier

theres a gun nest in whats left of a church

I gotta say, this is a lot like saving private ryan but made a decade later

1 guy is shot up but gets saved

so gross puts up a white flag and walks up

but a guy next to him pulls a grenade and they shred him

gross throws the grenade and takes em out

then goes in and puts his bayonette through a german boy's head as he extends his hand saying "kamarade"

I like how this shows the Canadians as non perfect and the germans as non evil

I missed something but he was on the ground in pain and later wakes up in a hospital with a nurse

then its 1910s Canada and we see a teen making out with a chick

the boss comes by and he has an autism attack  but the girl calms him

the music is light and innocent like something from the 90s lassie show

later at home his boss sez teens asthma made him stay home

he goes and sister sez she cant keep lying to keep his forbidden love quiet

at night teen goes to gf's home and the guests at dads place bust him for not serving his country

later gross is at a military board and had nightmares of a Canadian and a cross

as the germans nailed a Canadian to a barn with bayonettes

turns out he went AWOL after getting a medal for icing that german boy

although Canada gives medals for far worse people

also his mom r something bit it from sadness after his AWOL note said MIA and she thought he bit it

I think bram stokers Dracula did that too with the turks and mina

man this rips off a lot of films

btw its pretty widescreen

2/5ths of the screen is black bar

and their heads are often in the back bars, meaning they cut the top off to look A55

so gross is sent home nd sez bye to da nurse

but is sent to be on the recruitment thing\

his superior bashes the germans over using gas

but gross points out they too use da gas

later superior has a town meeting and has everyone who cant serve sit down

then shames the standing for not fighting for their king

spoiler; the king was an a55 hole

watch the kings speech

that candy a55 king was f'd up by his dad

later teen tries to serve but cant get in as gross figures out hes the nurses kid bro

also hes still got asthma and gross sez hes shell shocked

later gross meets a guy who lost his arm at the mill or w/e

but fakes being a war hero to pick up chixc

at a bar teen hassles gross and 1 arm

1a; whats this kid dooin here?

teen; do I smell kraut?

1a; u callin me a kraut, boy?

teen; u callin me a boy, kraut?

1 arm beats down teen and jams his stump in teens mouth

but gross saves him

that's pretty f'd up

and bad a55

I can see Go Nagai or Paul Verhoeven doing something like that

teen is pretty malcontent over ot being able to kill people in the war

y'see?

100 years ago; teens lied about their age to fight in ww1

today; they have breakdowns over being called the "wrong" gender or some politician they disagree with winning

this is why evolution is fake

it says things get better as the generations go down

but in a century we devolved pretty bad

later gross and 1arm drink outside and gross sez the germans never actually crucified a Canadian

spoiler; it DID happen

I saw an investigation on it on the history channel

this movie is full of lies

later its daytime and gross shows nurse a grave marker his 1 arm friend or w/e made

he sez after the gold ran out somewhere the war started and he signed up

he helped take Vimy Ridge after the brits and frenchies couldnrt

hey chat about feelings in a slightly romantic way

later teens gf's dad did a thing on shrapnel damage

gf shows teen but hes not scared

then they b0ne

we see his a55 and her nips

then the gf's dad finishes and the people applaud

and it cuts to them in bed after as if the guys are applauding them for b0ning

is this a comedy??

while at the thing about shrapnel gross has viet nam flashbacks to ww1

later superior meets a geezer who made plans for a machine that can circle the globe in 15 mins

and wants 1 million $$

then superior tells gross nurses dad fought and bit it for germany in Vimy Ridge

he then grills nurse over her ancestry and tries to make being german look bad comparted to England

kinda like how today the mainstream tries to make whites feel bad for stuff whites 500 years ago did

then her house is defaced by Canadians

and teen is ashamed of his dad fighting for his home team and wants to ice him

candy a55 malcontent teenagers!

what is this?! degrassi?!

gross comes by and tells nurse to go to his place as its not safe here

a lynch mob is outside and he beats one of their a55es

then its night and teen is kicking over german tombstones

kinda like self hating whites who wanna tear down statues

gross goes after him and they fall in da river

they come out and teen goes on a prissy sissy tirade about the whole universe being at war and wanting gross to ice him

this candy a55 needs a beatdown

holy cr-p we're like an hour in

gross gives him advice and sez "if ur lookin for romance, ur not gonna find it in a trench"

remember; the main reason he started his gee haad to wanna sign up, is after his gf's dad shamed him for not fighting

he leaves this disgruntled teen and goes to nurse saying teen will be with his friend

who? 1 arm?

he'd b0ne him dead with his stump!!

they go to gross's place and sleep but not in the same bed

later teen and gf go to her dad and gf's dad signs a thing to let him on the service

meanwhile gross tells nurse about icing that boy

so teen signs up and superior welcomes him in and bashes gross

esp after another soldier sez gross wouldn't reject a good soldier

then its night and gross and nurse make out

later he goes home to pack and nurse tries to stop him

but he sez f gross as he dont have any disabilities

disgruntled self hating teen who wanting disabilitys?

man just like the 2010s

just look at tumblr!!

so nurse busts in to a meeting and bashes gross for hiring her bro

then superior wakes up to gross sharpening his blade

he tells him to sign this enlistment thing under his moms maiden name and send him to da front

superior sez hes gonna track him down

why wait?

send ur royal goons after him right after he leaves

later gross writes a note to nurse

next day nurse is packing up as she was fired for her race and cant keep da rent

teen gf comes by and sez it was the supriour and her dad who had teen signed up

nurse sez to teen gf her dad don't want teen to come back

they sent him there to get wacked

seems like teens gf is a 1910s bimbo

later nurse finds a note saying some sappy things to sappy music

then they're at the war zone

but superior ( a major ) tracked gross down and wants him f'd

but the colonel needs men and knows gross is good so he makes him a platoon leader

they send him to Passchendaele but major wants to make a complaint

so colonel sez he can send him out too

major relents

also gross sed he came here for love

what is this? Robotech?!

later he sees nurse is back in Europe somehow at a tent treating the wounded

she volunteered outta regina and took a month to catch up to him

what is this?! wings (from 1927)?!

maybe the big parade from 25!

then its night and raining and they start b0ning in the battlefield

remember what he said about love in the trenches?

and the sky and cannons burst as soft piano plays

wtf is this?!

then hes called to head out and she gives him an item to give to teen

called to go out while b0ning??

what is this? starship troopers?!

at least that knew how to do comedy

then they get to this soaked area and they sit in water

teen sees a rat crawl outta a dead soldiers mouth in a pretty good effect

teen goes mental and whines about wanting to ice germans

gross gives some kinda cr-ppy advice with circular logic and then its sun up and they're firing cannons

during the battle teen has an autism attack

I think they're at Passchendaele

took em 3/5ths through the film to get to it

also in the real version, the mud swallowed man and horse and machine alive

the movie glosses this area over

this movie is full of lies!

so the soldiers advance and get capped

as the germans regroup the gross team advances

wait

its the germans who advance

and grossmen open fire on em as they near

later colonel wants to fight on even if it looks bad

major wants to retreat so colonel slices him open and his guts spill on the floor in a sloppy pile

jk

a mortar takes him out

the battle continues with graphic violence

limbs blown off

people shanked

not much flesh damage

wait

a german is tryin to bayonet gross and he holds it off with both hands

then teen blows out the back of his head

gross pushes him off and he lands so teens hand goes through the germans head hole and out his mouth

that's like something outta riki-oh

or peter Jackson's brain dead

teen runs away and winds up in the german side

but a mortar throws him on some metal like a cross

gross runs over to save him and gets capped

both sides stop firing for some reason and gross stumbles over to the cross

the germans just let him come by and carry teen back

some even help bring teen down

I know there was the Christmas truce

but this is really unbelievable

gross carrys the cross over and stops to regain ki

oh and nurse is there for some reason

then the sky turns blue and the sun is up and theres really antisubtle music as he powers through his damage and brings teen home

its pretty antisubtle

and to top it off, the camera zooms out as if hovering above

then the shelling restarts

and right then, the reinforcements arrive

gross gives teen the item and they carry him away

at the nurse place (which I thought was there as it showed nurse looking out as gross went to save teen) a soldier sez they won Passchendaele

then gross is with nurse and talks about this picture he mentioned 2x b4

then he bites it

even though gross's real grampa lived and told his grandson about ww1

this movie is full of lies

then we cut to 1arm, gf, teen, some guy I dont know, and nurse at gross's grave

oh and I think teen lost a leg

then text sez after months of fighting and 5000 bit it canada captured Passchendaele.

the total cost on both sides was 600 000

a week after the Canadians caught it, the germans got it back

then credits to a song sorta like titanic with ww1 footage playing

the end

that was not so bad

kinda antisubtle

full of errors

and had bad comedy

plus too much b0ning

I liked I kinda

good violence and showing the winning side asnt super good and the germans werent super evil

plus the English were pretty awful

its not as good as joyeux noel

that one moved me to tears

however I think this is well made despite its f'dness

for Passchendaele 2 I want the teen to be malcontent over the war and missing leg. he finds a Croatian dr who is testing regeneration serum but its experimental. he volunteers and it grows back his leg, but gives him insect skin and claw like extra limbs. he them goes around taking out those who f'd his home for being german and eating them to become stronger and more buglike. its also a 18 bit game like phantom 2040 on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Atari jaguar where you play as him mutating and gotta hunt and eat targets in a generous time limit to survive.