Tuesday, December 17, 2019

Apocalypse Now Redux Review

Note: I spell better than brando is
Apocaklypse now redux
this is my reciew on apocalypse now redux from the 70s or w/e
its directed by francis ford coppola who did dat p0rn0 bram stokers dracula
it stars martin sheen, robert duvall, larry fishbrn fro  peewees playhouse, dennis hopper from the supern mario movie, harrison ford from some sci fi cr-p and r lee ermy as a chopper pilot
i never saw this b4 but sam and max had a parody of it
so it starts with junglrs going up in flames
this should activate ssquatch
aprebtly, the redux means its the 200s remastr or w.e/
so sheen is in the non jungle of soviet viet mnam and keeps dreaming of da jungle that he wants to return to
he f's around in his undies ad drinks but then guys come to give him a mission
he has to get this guy names col kurt which sounds like the guy from M D Geist 1
so they breif him and krutz is gone malcontent agianst America like a teen who goes to university or tumblr
and he's got a cult following him like a god or a celeb who tells people to be jacka55es
so sheen has to whack him like marilin monroe or diana
on the way there, he wondering about how now he has to ice an american instead of a gaijin and it bugs him
but he betrayed the protoculture!!
and sheen's got a bunhca teens on his boat to help
so he looks over the file on krutez and he was a top notch soldier but went nuts
so he gets to land and meets uop with soldiers after a fight
man we're alrwady half an hour in?
that felt like nothing
1 enemy spldier is damaged and they help him
this cool soldier meets a guy named lance who he thinks is cool
cool guy is said to have a light about him that means he wont get harmed in battle
like, a Guadian Angel?
the next day they launch the choppers and ride of the valkyries plays like in birth of a nation
so i guess they are the good giys coming to save the day
so they attack some place and land to attack a village on foot
does every viet nam movie have em attacking a villiage??
so after the batle the jets come in and drop napalm on the area and cool guy likes its smell
so sheen and his teens escape from the area on a boat to continue their mission and go to this jungle and chat about cr-p
after reading more about the weird moves kurtz made in his career, threy go to a city and go to a concert with chicks who dance around to rock music
da next day they go on in a boat and listen to the mick jagger song i cant get no.
along the way they f up the boat and it catches fire
a flaming boat?! epic fail!!
also sheen reads that krutz ordered wacking on south viet nam army people and didn't listen to the army when they wanted him to stop
i gotta say, this is a lot like lord of the rings where this crew goes on a quest into an evil land to destory something awful
later its raining and they stop by his place and this chick shows her t-ts
theres a few chicks showing
then try start b0ning as guys outside bang on the windows
i think they are models or something
wtf 1 chick wants the guy b0ning her to act like a bird
like that p0rn0 anime with the yugioh cast where the other yuggi tells a giel to cluck like a chicken
huh, this is lightly based off the book heart of darkness but changed it from 1900 africa to 1970s viet nam
so later so later they are on da boat and shoot up some viet nam guys in another boat
so then its night and they're by this lit up place and go through trwnches lines with sandbags
so after leaving, its later the next day and somehow sheen gets a note saying the last guy they sent on sheens mission joined kurtaz
later they are under attack by the viet kong and cowboy curtis bites it
later they meet the french who i assume are the bad guys and thry put cowboy curtis in the ground
later they eat with the frenchies and they are bummer as they were fighting the viet nam b4 america came
so the frenchie whines more about how the french s-ck and at home they are going commie
later a frenchie female tries to get hin to drink wine to turn him queer
she tells of her ex bf or something and i think they b0ned
later its day abain and they are on the boat and sheen senses kurtz's ki
the bad guys atack with arrows like in 300 and the black guy gets it
latwr 1 guy goes on a tirade about how he hates the mission
so eventually they go to this h-ll on earth looking place with a buncha freeky lookin guyas and a hippie photojournalist
the freeky guys are krutz's guys ad think the sheen gang is gonna take out kurtz
hippie seems f'd up annd acts like kurtz has opened his mind
i think thats the drugs
unless he's got black powers
as drug use weakens a mans spuiritual defences to evil forces
thee hippie thinks kurtz is a genuois and the people see him as a god
kinda like with m d geist and the army
so he goes to see kurtz and hes a fat hairless slob
kurtz speaks in loopy poems and later hippie goes on a rambling tirade about whats gonna happen when krutz bits it
so sheen is kept in the hole for a while and krutz played by queer fat p0rn0 actor brando reads him some paper and lets hi  out but will have him capped if he tries to escape
so he spends days with kurtz who sez sheen dont have the right to call him a murderr but can kill him
cuz killing is less bad than words
what is he? a tumblr commie?
he tells a story oof how he vaccinated the kids for polio but some guys chopped off the arms
probably to stop them from getting autism
he feels like he was hit with a diamond bullet in his forehead like cesaer from urotsukidoji iii and saw everythin as it was
fata55 broando keeps going on and on in his ramblings and wants someone to tell his son at home his stoey
he has a family?
what a p o s!
staying in the a55 hole of the world to lead some commies while they need him
so sheen thinks brando wants to go out like a warrior and she seems to have given up on the service
as the natives chop up a cow, sheen bats brando dead
they used a real cow for this like the monkey brains in cannibal holocost
then he eats brando and becomes the new brando
so he reads typed notes sayng somethig about everyone biting it and coes out and the people bow to him
so sheen leaves and we hear brandoes last words and it just ends w/o credits
the end
that was pretty long and not much happened in it
it goes by at a good pace and doesn't feel long but its like 3 and a half hous
good acting and camera work and action and effects
i was familliar with a lot from this after 90s shows like rugrats and sam ND MAx freelance police
its a well made film that works but not really much happns in it
i like it though
for apocalypse zero i mean now redux 2 i want it to be the muud 70s and the war is still going. but sheen has become the new brando and is leading an uprising and has taken over viet nam and is fighting America. he aldo has began having other peoples body parts surgically attached to him to give him extra limbs and more muscles. also the son of brando is a teen now and wants to stop what his dad started. its also a 16 bit run and gun game like midnight resistance on sega genesis, snes. gba, atari jaguar and tg16 where you play as the son in experimental armor and fight through various viet nam guys and various monsters made by fusing humans and animals with black magi. Wait, make it more like alien soldier.

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