Lionheart Review

 Note: I spell hearted

Lionheart

This is my review on Lionheart from the distant future year (to Osamu Tezuka) of 1990 (20 years before Robotech 1st war)

Its directed by Sheldon Lettich who did Double Impact

It stars the cool Jean-Claude Van Damme who KNOWS whats up, from Bloodsport/Kickboxer/Double Impact/Last Action Hero/Hard Target/Timecop/Street Fighter/Maximum Risk/Double Team/In H=ll/Wake of Death/Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning/Friends/Robot Chicken, Harrison Page from carnosaur, Deborah Rennard from Kazaam/the 2020s Law And Order/TekWar, Lisa Pelikan from Happy Days/Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Ashley Johnson from The Avengers/Growing Pains/Jumanji/Touched by an Angel/gay a55 Teen Titans/King of the Hill/Ben 10: Alien Forc/Drunk History/Drop Dead Diva/Teen Titans Go!/the 2012 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Brian Thompson fropm The Terminator 001/Cobra/Star Trek Generations/Mortal Kombat Annihilation/Joe Dirt/Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Michel Qissi from Bloodsport/Kickboxer, Billy Blanks from The Last Boy Scout/Talons of the Eagle/Sabrina the Teenage Witch/The Fairly OddParents, Clement von Franckenstein from Death Becomes Her/Robin Hood: Men in Tights, Tony Halme from the live action Fist of the North Star/Die Hard with a Vengeance, Jeff Langton from 6 Cobra, Rocky V/Batman Returns/Street Fighter/the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer. and a buncha guys i never saw and/or aint on back door, soy boy, beta male, candy a55, frooty booty, sodom bottom, aids bag, necro pedo, wiener cleaner, peeder puffer, gender offender wikipedia

I saw a few mins of this bit never the whole thng, but Mzrk from Classic Game Room liked it and compaed the Genesis Pit Fighter to it

Huh, Jean Claude wrote some of it, Now I'm inteestedz

He is a skilled writer and actor but in the 90s his English wasn't mastered so it was harder to perform, but if you watch his European/New things he';s a soild actor

so after title and crediyts with smooth sax we see a frecnhie making a dealwith a guy and i think doing drugs that turns out to be sugar

the dealers coat him in gasoline and, to quote the crow, fire it up

so he's cooked and looks like freddy kreugar and his woman and kid have expired insurnce

in the wastelands and a military base we see jean claude the real one hammering something with a slegde hammer andsome frenchie guys from the service bring in his mail

he stabs it with a knife to getb it from the devolved frenchies and hes in the foreign leigion and they/them wont let him out a they are frenchies and dont have souls

he chooses family over frenchies and the frenhie leader sez he has 6 months and offers 2 weeks hard labor and the frenchies slap him a bit like the girly men they are and transfer him

they bring him out and beat on him and he jean claused them out bada55edly, inclusng doing the starship troopers thing of knifing a guys hand to a wood

he jumps in a jeep and drives off and is a fugetive now and rips through a frence with hiscar as the evolutionarily challenged frecnheis chase him

so jean claude gets away and the frenchies hunt for him at the docks but not docking with doc holiday and doc from snow white docking with their d0ngs, doc and doc docking

jean clausde gets on a ship afetr ebing mistaken for a worker and shovels coal in a furnace w/o a shirt as we gotta show that hot beef for the ladies

the frenchies think hes a traitor but want him back as they are devolved and try to get America to help but to quote openly feminist super beta alleged male littlekuriboh; french is the opposite of American

the french wanna survail the sister in law of jean claude as thats where the letter came from and after looking at his letter and soft music plays, jean claude goes up to the higher decks and this big black guy whos a frenchie se hes got no greencard/visa and wont get off

jean clausde beats him then jumps into the sea and swims to soviet los angelas and wanders the slums like in The Crow City Of Angels

as cesspoolian as it looks now, its better than the 2020s with junkies ODing in ublic and b0ninghe treis calling his sister in law but has no money and come across a street fightwith a corwd of evo;utionarluiy challenged duddes watching

after the winnder gets payed and not gayed as he didnt bet his bvirginity, no one volunteers until JC comes in and they call him Da Lion

a huge blackasaur comes to face Jean Claude and no one bets on JC other than the ring master and 

JC easily kicks his massive a55 and DON'T finish him as this isn't Mortal Kombat and gets paid but JC gets more than ringmaster wanted

after trying to call and ringmaster and him wanna go to soviet LA ringmaster sez they gott see some people 1st

ringmaster brings JC to a rich place and meets a suit whohe tells of JC's fighting skill and  hes brought to this parking garage thign with a blonde chick in a leathery dres and sez this is his ticket to LA

he tells her JC is THe Lion andhe sez he's Leo and she sees he's openly french(but hgiher evolved than THEM) and  they watch a fight

i love how 80s this is and its ocolor but widescreen

so 2 dudes fith and 1 gets his throat nailed and parts kicked and londe rubs her leather glove on his face

25 mins inthe blonde sez the JC's name is Lionheart and rngmaster sez he gets more money is he wins and blonde bets on JC privatly

the guy who won the last fight sez JC is pretty and dont know if he wants to fight or f==k him and wears a leather vest

after build up, he does a high kick and JC grabs his leg and punches him in the parts(bloodsport 2?) and 1 hit kills him

a guys sez he could kick JC';s a55 and JC grabs him and is gonna rip off his head and sh-=t own his neck but rngmaster pulls him off

blonde wants him to fight again and he wants to go to LA but he made 5000$ in 1 night like a high class h==ker and he only did it for his fam and leaves but blonde gives ringmaster her privat number for when he changes his mond

ringmaster chases him and mouthes off tohim and JC opelny sez "we got money" which scares ringmaster as its the slums of LA with junkies and creepers around

they go to use a phone  and these homies come out for wanting to use his phone as he owns the turf

ringmaster mouths off to em and they go to ice em but JC beats the french otta em

later they are in a car and get along but JC sez he wont fight again

the next day its the hospital andhe finds his bro is sucking c=cks in h=ll and  Dr sez trey can't bring him back so revenge wont help but the cops caught the guys

bro's woman and kid need hm and dr gives JC the address and hhe walks offsad and he tells ringmaster he dont need ringmaster and tells him to go

after walking acoun tthe slums to emotional msuic he eats a wrap which is gay and ringmaster comes by and he gets ringmaster to find his siter in laws place

in there this little girl tells him where his sister lives and after exchanging names they aint strangers and he hears the landlrod b--ching aboutkicking her out if they dotn get the money

the girl is his neice and has kind of an afro and he goes up and talks with wife in law and shes b--chy over him not cmming in time and something about not saving him from a drug shipment and it lead to his end but he said bro would not survive jail

he offers her money and she b--=chily rejects it as she dont like him and jc and ringmaster go to a bar where he gets drunk

jc wakes up in a car and ptobably didnt get bummed by the ringmaster and goe sto a higher part of town and theres art in itand kind of a stdio apartment

he wakes up and the ringmaster has his long italiano b-ner in his motuh adn as he screams, the ringmaster goos in him and he coughs it out

jk really he sees blonde working out in 80s aerobix gear and she sez ringmaster told her needed a place to stay and i think jc is naked an has a tattoo on his chest

she gets him a robe and offers to take himshopping but he dont wanna and we see jean claudes naked a55for the chicks to lust after like in The Room with Tommy Wiseau

she takes him shopping to 80s music and after she keeps trying to seduce him ez people still talk of his fiht in soviet new york

later at her place he wants to stay with ringmaster as he dont wanna b0ne outside of proper marriage and has morals and values unlike some monkey in the zoo b0ning as everyone watces

zookeeper! those monekys are killing eachother!(zookeeper whispers) oohhh!

later to emotional music JC atches his neice and inlaw going to school and stalkes her buying apples or working in the apple factory, but not the one in china where they drive people to suicide and put up nets to catch em so they can't live or die

so JC decides to fight to help his fam and wants her to open a bank account under another name and he wants to have his own place

he never sez why as he dont want her using his fam against him and  holy cr-p we're like half over, tht felt like nothing

so he goes to a garage in a ring of cars and fights a scottman andthe scott fights dirty and beats on him

its pretty cool and him wearing a kilt and no shirt feels like street fighter and jc hkeeps getting beat on

good scenes like beign in a lock (or loch as its a scott) and punched in the torso or scotty dodging his punch and it shatters a window but JC winds up out beating the scott and winning

so jc recovers from a savage scottish smackfdown and sendsringmaster to give his inlaw and neice money under guise of a policy i think on his bro

then jc is getting beat on by a wwf canadian cav man looking mopther f==ker in a squach court and this really seems like a fighting game like something outta Art Of Fighting or KOF

after sending his a55 through glass and winning, jc wins and goes outto joc laterin a hoodie like a thug who beats peoples heads in and gets capped by the guy hes trying to murder

he watches his neice playin g on her new bike he paid for and this is kinda Crhistian as JC works behind the scenes and sacrifices his body to help us even when he don't know its him

some gov agents se him, probably in a truck called Flowers By Irene and chase him but he loses em as he's the ubermench

later jc is at a pool an in a leotard and fight sin a nearly empty pool with bikini chicks watching and another leotarded guy with hair like the guy from metalocayplse is ihsi foe

jc dodges his kicks lik hes shuu from hokuto no ken and beats h  in the water with much slo mo

they fight in da water and h starts drowning him but jc does a throw and beats the french outta him

after the fight blonde asks about sister in law and if jc is b0ning her but ringmaster sez hes helping her and ws hi bros woman

she sez to keep an eye on him and keep him making money

later the neice is driving her bike in a cicrcle and talks with jc he talks french to her, but REAL french and not canadian french which is like talking like a homie to english

yoyo pop booky on da micro phone bone, grabba bus down town to d majik zone

the frenchies cme for jc and he sez he only needs 1 week and he'd go but the french font hav hearts and jc is really a belgian in frog face and fibghts the frenchies off

the f4enchies beat him down and he pulls a wood thing andcrushes the frenchies under the platform or w/e and 1 of blondes agents saves him

he gets checked out and has a broken rib and needs a month in bed but his sister in law needs him

sister in law saw the frencheis come at jc and that night ringmaster brings j to see the woman and sez theres no policy and she thinks its drugs

they tell her she's gotta gtfo and she needs to trust him and neice comes out and is innocent and a bit wooden but its onk as kid actors are new

she finds out hes her uncle leo like in seinfeld and he holds her to soft inncoent touching music

blonde seez video of a guy fighting and is a born killer who toys with his foes for fake hope and tells the frenchies she needs jc to fight him and i nthink she wants immigration papers and cr-p

the frenchies wanna watch as they like seeing people beat dead and jc gets along with his bros woman andthey live in a place i think jc got

he sez she otta stay here untle she gets a better job o a husband and blonde stops by an brings him in her car to another fight

they could make a big a55 load of money and she wants him to win against the baddest ddue and in the place which is a mansion, they go to, some guys watch vhs of jc fighting

blonde shows a tape she smugglesd out and its the final boss attila and taking punches like nothing and the rich guys there sez their hong kong homies say attila will wipe his a55 clean

blonde sez lionheart will win and she bets 0.25 million on him and lter we seesome guys getting of a plane and they are gaijin splices between jc with hsi wounded ribs playign in the park with his neice

attila comes out with mutton chops or go nagai sideburns andlooks like a gypsy and jean claude sez hes gonna get his bros wife lotda money

jc's ribs are f'd and he bet all his money on himself andringmaster taps his ribs and finds out he's wounded and goes on a tirade against him for taking the fight while wounded

in the oscar clip; u gor a big heart, like a lion, but no one cares for you!

ringmaster asks blonde whs shes betting on and theres some play around on info and ringmaster has 1 min to choose who to bet, lionhaert o atilla

we get the rock 80s guitar and synth as lionheart walks to his final boss and we get 80s singing and its bada55

so jc fights atailla and atilla eats his punches and kicks as jc wails on him

ataila notices jcs pain and keeps hitting him in si broken ribs

jc does a roundosue but atilla beats his thighs and jc counters with a headshot

ringmaster sez to stay down but jc sez blnde names cynthia like the doll in rugrats bets against him andh egts up and fights on while taking fists and girlly slaps

cool editing with each punch beign its own shot

ringmaster sez atilla is gonna kill him and the bet is on atilla and jc ez Wrong Bet and gets back in and jump kicks atilla in the face an dmakes a bada55 comeback andbeats the gypsy outta atollla

jc grabs atlaia by the bneck and raises his fist and is about to finish him htu sees blonde watcing

he screams and plows it into atilias head and leavs a huge fist crator in his forehead

jk he lets him live to come bakc in lion heart 2 electric boogaloo and blonde b--chily lwaves as she lost a lot of bdough on it

blodded jc is told by ringmaster he's got a heart and dont lose it uz u'd not get it back, take it from me, and they cry manly tears as the frenchies take lionheart off to be guillotined

blonde is brought i to deal with her unsecured bet and is probably gonna be skinned alive and rolled around in salt and she sez "i'll have it tomorrow"

jc returnds to the place his brothers woman is and sez bye to his neicewho looks like dana in robotech and she whines about him not going with her

he explains it but she dont care and she wants him to stay and he gets a picture she drew him im crayon

he sez bye and theres bummer music adnd the frenches take him off as  sez he loves them

he is the hero we need, but not the one we deserve, the blgian knight

the frnchies drive a bit and let him go and he walks back to his fam wth epic hopeful winning music and is happy and everyone smiles even thoug he took a beating

the credits to orchestral msuic and wtf cheroiragr[hy by frank ux and jean cleaufede

stunts, thunder wolf and monty cox, are this p0rn0e actors?

also its called wrong bet in soviet france

the end

tat was actually pretty good

nice heart, good msuic, well done fights, the acting worked, the story was cool, and it didnt go for the whok "i must avenge my brothers kilelr" story they often did

its got flow and doesnt drag and its nearly 2 hours but holds up

i liked it and jean claude did a good job here

the ringmaster was charaicmatic and the bad guyes were good at being bad but you dont despise them like protagonists in 2020s shows

its a solid movie and I'm glad I saw it

Its got emotion and feels and the story works

For Lionheart 2 I want the frenchies to come for him and he has to beat his way through the frenchies to fight across the world to get to the french leaders base and beat him to become the leader of the frenchies to disband their black forces of military evil. Also its a 16 bit beat em up on Sega Genesis, Snes, TG16, Atari Jaguar and GBA with 1 player as Jean Claude and player 2 is atilla who has turned good after his beat fown made him reconsider his life and wants to help him as thanks for saving him from his dark ways.