Sunday, November 20, 2016

Shin Godzilla Review


note; my spelling has an accent. a bad one
shin Godzilla
this is my review on shin Godzilla
its directed by the unbalanced guy who made neon genesis evangelion
spoiler; that show was emo, fruity and mentally unbalanced
just like tennasy Williams
also the characters were losers or d-cks\
he also directed some cutey honey thing
that wasn't as bad
i'm watching this subtitled in Japanese
so it starts with a boat found with no people on it
the coast guard or navy or marines or w/e arrive but no ones there
then in a tunnel road breaks and water gets in
the buearocrats(bew ro kratz) catter over it for the next several minutes
I just gotta say a few things
1; every time anyone is introduced, it shows their name, rank, job and position
even if they only have 1 line and never appear again
2; everytme the scene changes, it shows the name of the place, where it is, and what it does
it also does this for vehicles and groups
I don't care about these nobodies or the name of a place i'm never going to see again
this is just really annoying
also it does this like 2-3x in a row
3; pretty much every shot is just a shot of 1 person talking for a few seconds, then it instantly cuts to another person talking or doing something for their few seconds
the camera never stays still
does this movie have adhd?!
so the bew ro kratz I don't care enough to look up how its spelled) chat for a whle on what caused the damage
1 guy sez they found a colossal creature at the bottom
but its making 100 degrees water
this one guy in glasses who looks like the inbred kid of steven Colbert and filthy frank tells the guy not to stir things up
but historically it was the stirrers who made a difference
otherwise America would be brittish and Poland would be Austria
theres another meeting of politics over the tunnel thing
the guy brings up the sea creature but is shot down
then this enormous tentacle comes out and its said to be a tail
we then get several minutes of more dialogue over either catching it or wasting it
eventually the monster starts moving toward the city
after every one of the science nerds get their 2 bits in, we get a science look at it
its a water monster with gills and legs like a lungfish
but they don't think it can go on land
it would be crushed under its own weight
after they report this to the press, it comes on land
and holy cr-p it looks f'd up
it looks really cr-ppy and silly
and it keeps peerioding blood ut its gills
it has big painted on eyes and its all floppy
it looks like cr-p
like something jim Henson wiped his a55 with
because of too much red tape, this slow moving pile of cr-p is busting across the city and the gov cant do anything
this is why big guv is bad
the monster then b0nes a building apart
the gov wants to use the troops to fight it
but the red tape keeps anything from being done
you know, if this were America, the citizens would fight this thing with their OWN weapons
but the Japanese cant own guns or swords
man this movie really makes me lose respect for japan
I thought they were cool cuz of anime
but these guys just s-ck
they eventually decide to send a few choppers
the monster then stands up and falls down
it don't even have arms
just stumps
but it digivolves into a really cr-ppy Godzilla
it looks like an aborted muppet
btw its done with cr-ppy cgi
its tail end looks like a b0ner too
it starts walking on 2 legs instead of b0ning the ground
the choppers get in place but do nothing cuz theres civilians near it
the prime minister calls off the attack
candya55!
the monster starts moving again and busts a building
then its night
then its day
what did it do for the last 16 hours?
1 guy sez it did so much damage in 2 hours
another guy sez, they had 2 hours and just j-rked off wasting time
well, not in those words
its revealed it returned to the sea floor
then why'd it come out and bust things?
and why didn't it just show it returning to the sea instead of saying it after nothing
the gov eventually gets some guys to do a task force to study the thing
they say the creature is so large the only way for it to live and move is to be nucular
they find the creature is spreading radiation
they talk to da prez of America(prez ross) and hate him
then this fashionable chick gives them info on a guy who knew of this monster years ago
shes the daughter of an American and speaks good English
I often pepper my dialogue with Japanese
but people complain
yet in japan a lot of English is used casually
the guy who knew was revealed to be a biologist who got into energy and wasn't a fit in japan
its revealed that his boat was found adrift in the sea
she reveals the monsters code name is god zilla
its also alled gojira which means a god incarnate on some island
6 years ago they dumped nucular waste in the sea and gojira fed on em to mutate into this abomination
she also gives them the guy who knew's paper that no one knows what it is
eventually the gov gets a bill passed to help the people
also gojira's body is making new nucular elements
and America wants it
also gojira has 8x the dna as humans
and it keeps mutating
the nerds decide to use a blood cooling thing to stop it as for some reason it went back to being a sea creature when cooled off
later some malcontents are protesting to save Godzilla as its their new god
I don't think it sees things that way
later the people are getting along and not fighting between departments
eventually Godzilla returns
he looks grim
also he has very wide hips
perhaps its a hermaphrodite?
also its gotten bigger
and for some reason its headed for Tokyo
oh and its got arms
stubby ones
after much chatter, they decide to attack
we then get several minutes of the attack getting ready
its like you tune in for a chess game and it spends most of the video slowly putting the pieces on the board
eventually they try small weapons but they have no effect
so they keep stepping up to the next highest weapon when the current one doesn't work
they make a big deal over using missiles
they then use tanks but after a long firing scene, nothing happens
eventually they give up and gojira keeps gradually walking
then they get America to send in support
b4 the American attack they get the people underground
so Godzilla is headed for the prme ministers building
after much chatter they leave by chopper
the steven Colbert guy and the guy who suggested its a sea monster are going by car
the American attack busts open godzillas back
he starts glowing and opens his mouth(his lower jaw opens like a snake)
he barfs then barfs fire then it turns into a beam which busts the American attack plane
te remining planes go from the back but he closes his mouth and fires beams out his back to nuke em
then goes back to mouth beam and evaporates the pm chopper
the whole city burns
its like in Urotsukidoji wen nagumo went full demon and busted japan with his tentacle b0ner lazers
could nagumo take Godzilla?
w/o a leadr the people are useless so they appoint a new guy who s-cked
after seeing the damage the failure of oh balm uh, I don't think japan will get through this
wtf happened japan?
they used to be bada55 samurai and sexy ninja
now many of em are candy a55es who don't get girlfriends cuz they b0ne their body pillows of their fave anime girls
y'see this is why 48% of the population is creationist
evolution says each generation is better than the last
but every generation since the 1800s has been cr-ppier and cr-ppier
millennials cant function w/o iphones and safe spaces
compare that to the bada55 ww1 generation
so they get samples of gojira while hes in some kind of coma
also japan and America team up to research Godzilla
they find its able to shrink and grow wings
that's stoopid
this supercolossal abomination grows wings and it can fly?
herp a derp, i'll tape wings on a horse and its fully transitioned to a real Pegasus
oh and America wants to nuke Godzilla
but japan needs a special law to allow it
I think when the survival of a people is at stake, you don't need "laws' and "bills" passed
wow hideaki anno
you made me lose respect for japan
ruined forever
makes sense as I know people who said watching neon genesis evangelion nearly ruined anime for em
the guy who said it was a sea monster tries to convince steve Colbert to not nuke it
but Colbert clone sez the economy is going down and they need to do whatever they can
then we get a buncha 1 line opinions of how all these people with bad teeth don't like nuking Godzilla
the task force gets as many chemical companies as possible to make the blood freeze drug
oh and Godzilla will be awake in 15 days
they also have to evacuate Tokyo
some guy I think the colbert guy agrees to publish some paper 1 day b4 da nuke
turns out the guy who knew tried to find a way to neutralize nucular stuff cuz of his woman biting it from radiation
he hated radioactive stuff and those involved in it
his last note was info and said "do as u wish"
with the paper thing he left they figure out they gotta fold it
they then figure out the paper is a molecular chart on its body elements
and it can live anywhere with water or oxygen
they use other countries supercomputers to find a way to beat it
1 guy sez he thinks the guy who knew released Godzilla as a test for japan about nucular energy
they get the plan to the new pm but he sez they already passed the nuke plan
after more chatter they win him over
so they nee 3 days to make enough coolant but the nuke is 2 days away
so they get other countries to delay it
the fashionable chick tries to get a guy to trust japan
but the guy sez it might cost her the chance to become the 1st Japanese girl prez
she chooses human lives over power
the wise choice
eiher the guy who knew it was a sea monster or the Colbert guy(the monster guy) gives a speech to people applying the coolant
they use trains to kamikaze on gojira's legs
then drones to draw his back lazers
man these effects s-ck
then again, so does the movie
as he uses his beams, radiation rises\he then switches to tail laser and mouth laser
they drop buildings on him and get cranes to forcefeed him the coolant
but he mouth beams em
but hes slowing
so they gang train kamikaze him
then more forcefeeding
man theres a lot of phaIIic imagery in here
although this is from the guy who made evangelion
in one evangelion scene, shinji finds Asuka sleeping nude
so he j-rks off on her
and unlike when go nagai does it, its not meant to be funny
godilla awakens but freezes
godzllas radioactivity will be gone in like 2 years
the gov that the new pm had is resigning cuz of the pm choosing to make it so
now they gotta rebuild japan right
the sea monster guy is revealed to have only delayed the countdown until after Godzilla started moving
and he shared the data with the whole planet
the fashionable girl wants her and the sea monster guy to be prez and pm in the future
the film ends with a long pan of frozen Godzilla and the credits have the 50s Godzilla theme
the end
that wasn't a very good film
its just chatter and red tape
unlike law and order its not that interesting
all it did was ruin japan for me
you s-ck hideaki anno
there were p0rn0es better than this
for shin Godzilla 2 i'd like for it to be set in the future and the fashionable chick is the prez and the guy who knew it was a monster is prime minister. in both countries a cult has arisen that worships Godzilla. they started just as fans but got more insane with ritual sacrifices and cutting off their parts in rituals to try to revive him. the gov decides that after they started cutting off non followers parts to crack down on these maniacs. but they begin acting like their rights were violent and go on violent rampages of busting into buildings and biting off peoples parts. unable to take it, the chick orders the cults attacks to be countered by opening fire on then when they get too close. as theres to many members, they just keep going wave after wave until they get to em and tear em apart and b0ne the pieces. seeing no other option, they allow the cult to have some loser state like California or whatever and when all the cult members at in it they nuke it.

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