A place where I post silly reviews of various movies from an "everyman" or "contrary" P O V. Done in the style of a newspaper article and a grade school book report. Don't take these seriously. Its all in good fun. Also, each review ends with a crazy sequel idea.
Sunday, October 1, 2017
note; I never saw this b4. my thoughts and speling aint perfectp
this is my review on eraserhead
its by david lynch who did a lot of cr-p I never saw
except dune over a decade ago
it starts with some weird hair guy pverlayed in space over a rock
theres some wind sounds
wtf am I watching?!
I think the rock is moving
hard to tell
we zoom in on the rock to a house and a hole in da roof
its heavy shadow and black/white
if yoshiaki kawajiri directed this it would look awesome
like ninja scroll or cyber city oedo 808
some guy who looks rotted is in shadow an pulls levers and the main guy from space has overlayed sp-rm flying away from him
the sp-rm lands in a water thing
is this life beginning?
or did he j-zz in a puddle?
the camera goes through a white opening in a tunnel and main guy gos to a building
he walks around lke Charlie chaplain and steps in a puddle
was there j-zz on his shoe?
this has kind of a cabinet of dr caligari vibe
its weird silent distorted backgrounds
main guy goes in a building and its got a weird tim burtony floor
he goes up an elevator and looks kinda like brendon fraiser(anyone remember him?)
on the floor he gets off some chick invites him to dinner
he goes to his apartment and plays a record
after sitting silent for a bit he looks art a ripped photo
he goes out and theres either steam or smoke from something
he talks to some blonde about her not coming around anymore
he goes in for dinner an theres this geezer chick with em
a dog has a buncha puppies sucking its t-ts
dog nipples are like centipede legs; theres too many of em
and they having dog milk for dinner?
they talk about work and the blonde starts acting like a dog a bit
is she a furry?
a guy (bill )talks about how the neighborhood went to h-ll and his knees are f'd
the geezer (the blondes mom) stirs the salad of this grandma like chick and gives her a smoke
at dinner bill (the dad) sez he had an operation on his arm years ago
dr sed it would work anymore
so he rubbed it and got it back
but it went numb
dad has main guy carve a blue jay or some small cooked bird and it moves and bleeds
the mom has a freakout
then the blonde
is... is this a p0rn0?
were they b0ning in the real version??
I cant tell
later mom brings main guy in a closet and asks if he b0ned the blonde
he sez sorry and she starts doing mouth stuff to his face
blonde stops her and mom sez blonde pooped out a baby and its premature
after theyre married they can pick it up
its ot a sega game you get for getting a good grade!
later she's feeding the baby and its a weird slimy puppet
main guy brings some small thing for his puppet son
I think the real father is Kermit the frog
puppets b0ning humans?
is this pee wees playhouse?!
got some lusty puppets there
main guy looks t this metal thing and light come outta it
holy cr-p its been like 35 mins
just weird people moving slow
but unlike 2001 a pace odyssey, its interesting
or maybe its just cuz this is my 1st time
after the puppet crys at night the blonde yells at it
she then snaps and goes home for a night of sleep
she yells at him to take care of things while she's gone
if you want it done right, do it urself!
I its crying it needs something
the chick from b4 comes down the hall
in the night the puppet is calm and main guy puts a thermometer in its mouth
why not the a55?
does it have an a55?
it suddenly cuts to dissonant music and the puppet covered in dots and moaning
freekjin picture of dorian gray!
he sez its sick and boils steam near it
right as he opens the door togo downstairs the pup[per crys and he checks it
it calms down but when he opens the door it does it again
so he stays with it
aw f it looks awful
like its got aids rot
later the metal thing lights up and we get a thing of a checkerboard floor an a chubby blonde chick with face swellings dancing
big noodles of sp-rm fall from the ceiling as she smiles and shuffles back and forth to music
then she steps on a sp-rm
is this a p0rn0?
is he j-rkin off?
then hes in bed and the blonde (I think) is taking up too much bed and all greasy
he keps pulling out intestine looking things from her and throwing em on the wall
this cupboard of the wall is shown with spotlight on it
then we get stop motion intestine piece moving around
it goes in a thing and we see main guy sitting in bed
I just realized if that guy got his arm working by rubbing it, why not rub the puppet to heal it?
main guy opens the door ad the chick from b4 comes by saying she locked herself outta the apartment
I think she wants to b0ne him
the puppet crys but he covers its mouth
she asks to spend da night there and they b0ne I think they b0ne in a cauldron
its full of milk
we see the rock and then the chubby face swell girl singing about in heaven everything being fine
main guy gets on the floor with the girl and light shines on em and she vanishes
then he sees a rotted guy and the wind blows the dead sp-rm away
a tree wheels in and main guy's head pops off like a toy as a huge sp-rm is in him
blood oozes out his head on the floor(paper mache head) and his body grows his puppet sons head
his head falls onto the street and a guy gets it
I have no idea whats going on
say what u will about tommy wiseau but at least his movies made some form of sense
as in; u could tell whas happening
the kid who grabbed the head taes it to a place with 2 guys and they drill it
they use it as a pencil sharpener
they turn on a pencil machine and make more pencils
then main guy wakes up and stands around
the puppet makes some sounds and moves
the puppet makes cackling sounds according to the closed captions I leave on so I can get a 2nd chance to get their words I miss
he looks out and sees the chick
later he cuts thre wrappings on the puppet and it freaks out
the wrappings open up and its all weird inside
he scissors the insides and the puppet pukes blood as the insides ooze
the insides release creamy cr-p and it keeps erupting
its neck extends as the lights flicker
the head teleports between light flashes and is huge
then the light goes out and the rock from b4 busts open
we see the rotted guy holding a lever as sparks fly
in a soft white light area the chubby blonde hugs main guy
then the credits roll
wtf sissy spacek helped make this
wtf did I just watch??
I'm not sure what I just sat through
its like a dream but not a dream
I have no idea what this is about other than maybe putting deformed people to sleep
I hope its not that cuz dats horrible
I kinda liked it
I mean I didn't hate it
but man that was strange
everything people did in parodies of david lynch is true
for eraserhead 2 i'd like for the main guy to wake up and the chubby blonde with face swelling is there and revealed to be his daughter from the future. also he's pregnant with her as after he b0ned the neighbor chick, the puppet kid controlled him to release him from the wrappings and the head extending went into him and got him pregnant with the puppet kid(who needed to finish developing and the mom was out). the rest of the movie is the main guy being pregnant and having weird fantasies until he poops out the finished kid, the blonde from the future.