Sunday, January 28, 2018

The Martian Review

note; this isn't  50s b movie. but I wish it were
the martian
this is my review on the martian (the 2010s one)
after logos we get a title I can hardly read
so its mars and people are on it
why?!
so they joke around and collect samples
suddenly theres a storm coming
right after being told of it, it arrives
so they choose to end the mission
they walk through the sandstorm in the dark with head lights
matt dammon wants to stay but the storm takes him out when something hits him(I wasn't looking)
the rocket back home might tip over so they gotta book it
lol matt damons name is mark
like in tommy wiseaus the room
they give up thinking matt damon went back to h-ll and leave that awful planet
wtf the area is called the ARIES 3 site on MARS!!
that's like the APHRODITE  city on VENUS
or the A site on ALPHA
later mat damon wakes up with low ait
oh and the stormes over
hes the only man in the world
wasn't this a twilight zone episode?
he goes into da base and gets nude
he;s gotta wound on his abs
he does DIY surgery to fix it
this is like in Prometheus with the chick getting a cyber c section
then he starts a vlog on his condition
the antenna broke off and shanked him
but his blood sealed the hole in his suit
its gonna be at least 04 years til any manned mission can come for him
and he cant contact em
and he's low on food
and if the systems of his base go he bites it
but you know he wont as that would ruin the movie
wait
4 years?!
astronaut chris hatfield spent 5 months in space and when he got back hre was so weak he could hardly hold up his head
so 4 years would make them immobile
plus you'd have to get use to mars gravity(1/3rd of earth)
then its another 4 years years in space
if he ever returned to earth he's probably bite it from organ failure
they'd probably spill outta his a55
so he checks things and finds he has like a year of food
so hes a botanist and makes a small farm in his place
oh and he watches happy days
he uses oxygen and hydrogen to make water with fire
as nasa makes nothing flammable in space, he uses the girls items
including a cross
that's racist
it blows and roastes him a bit
so he tryes it better and it works
the water is vapor in the air and it moistens the area
then he starts growing potatoes
on eat they have a
memorial for mat maron
this black guy wants to go back to the mars
but jeff bridges wont consent as they don't want pix of mat daemons body
so black guy sez to say they are gonna recover whats left of mat daemon
a sattilite viewer notices acticity on mars in the base location
and jeff bridges don't wanna (wait its jeff daniels) let anyone know hes alive
it might be bad pr
also they think hes gonna bite it anyway
also they wont tell the crew returning home
but it comes out anyway
oh and the only music he has is "turn da beet around" which I thought was from the 90s as its in that stallone film
but its disco apparently
so mat maedon knows they have the next mission is set to land 3200 kms away
that's like a whole mile
wait is that earth km or mars km?
so ittl take him 50 days to get there
so after testing he digs up plutonium they buried to use as some thing
oh and at earth they might do something that will take 09 months to get there
are they gonna get him pregnant>?
so 48 sols (wtf is that? they keep saying sols. do they mean days? then day days!) later he has potatoes grown
he goes out and the earth satilite people figure out where hes headed
I just realized that as mars has 1/3th earths gravity they don't gotta make the rover car as sturdy as earth cr-p
so mat danon digs out the pathfinder and brings it back
he connects it to his tech and gets it to transmit date to earth
I cant even hook my sega genesis to a widescreen tv
how can he combine these decade different techs?!
he asks them y/n questions on paper and they turn it to reply
he uses a hexadecimal code thing and pictures on paper things to rig a code of numbers he turns into letters and deciphers
nerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd]
nasa tells him how to hack da rover car to communicate with pathfinder or w/e
now they can text
its the early 90s internet al over again
he asks how the crew felt when they found hes alive
they eventually say they hasn't told em
hew starts saying f--k
they say hes broadcast world wide and watch his mouth
his reply isn't shown
I assume it had to do with b0ning
later the 1st crew gets word mat daemon is alive
hay guyz! that guy u thought got iced is alive and u left him. we didn't tell u for 2 months but now we r. we cool homie?
so mat daemon sez once u grow crops somewhere u colonized it
i'm surprised that word isn't banned by then
what year is this anyway?
according to wikiopedia  its 2035
10 years after transformers victory and well into the 3rd Robotech war (the one with the Invid)
huh, ridley scott directed this
what is it with him and space?
is this part of the aliens canon?
oh and btw, in Robotech we had mars fully colonized by 2005
they go to an abandoned mars base in season one in 2009-10
later its night and the base blows
he fixs his cracked helmet with duct tape
also his plants bit it
its like -80 below zero
he gets to a safe place and freaks out
ur dead bone head!!
they decide to speed up the thing going to him
he sends a text to the crew heading to urth telling em cr-p
so earth and mars aint positioned well
so this nerd has an idea but wont say wat it is
jeff daniels wants to speed up cr-p and maybe skip inspection
meantile matt maerde is outta ketchup and has potatoes in vicoden
isn't that a b0ner pill?
the nasa launches the satilite but it blows
see you in h-ll matt daemone
matt daemon asks the chick who ditched him to tell his rents if he bites meanwhile the chinees have a booster rocket that can save matt damon
but it would cost them their thing
they give it to America
really?
come on
1st; they wouldn't do that
they don't even like their own people
2nd; this is just bad writing
our only plan failed
but someone else has something better never seen or mentioned b4
oh and the one with t is never seen or mentioned either
that's like bad power rangers
the nerd has an idea to just speedrun the rocket and not stopping to pick up or drop off the supplies
its just gonna grab em on the way
something about gravity
why not jus slingshot around the moon?
so the 1st crew finds out and decides to help
but its against the nasa orders
and they'd have to go back to the mat maerdeea
oh matt aradesaa is gonna rocket up and catch the passing by spaceship
we get a montage of them getting ready to david bowie music
he was in the hunger by tony scott
later mat daemon has a beard and thinks about the laws of mars
he uses trippy reasoning that hes a pirate
lay off the drugs matt daemon
I can see it now
the martian 2; space chronic
so he uses his modded rover car and drives to his destination to get out
he drives, recharges the solar things, sleeps and repeats
what was the movie where the guy is about to blast off of mars and sez "f diss planit!!"??
I saw it in like 2001 or so and cant recall if its mission to mars or red planet
so to get matt daemonism home hes gotta ditch 500kg from his vehicle
that's like a whole pound!
wait is that earth weight or mars weight??
so hes gonna have to leave most of his ship behind
but mars has a thin atmosphere so he shouldn't burn up
also its gotta be remote controlled from space
yeah, that sounds safe
trust people miles away to perfectly direct something moving at high speeds
where as online gams can have lag in connections
and this is higher more complex tech
see you in h-ll matt damon
then we get a montage with matt maedon stripping the ship to the song waterloo
I never new this was 70s
oh and he puts a blanket cover thing over the ship cover
dat mammon shaves his hair back to the way it was at the start of the film
he rockets off and gets to space
set con trols to out er space now fly ing high er than ev er be fore
ran gers
in space!
theres some speed problem and they use much of their fuel to fix part of it
so mat maron wants to use air things to redirect himself to "fly around like iron man"
they still have iron ma in 2035?
the 1st crew decides to breach the airlock to reduce thrust
see you in h-ll 1st crew
wait wtf theres gravity in on the space ship?!
they're running and everything
wait, in other parts of the ship they float
good f.
so they use sugar and cr-p to make something to blow the airloack
a guy goes out and plants it
oh and 1 guy on here looks like dan woren from Robotech
hes got the beard and face features
so the chick who left mat mardon goes out to get him
but cant reach him
so matt faemon shanks his suits hand and uses the air to fly up
she grabs him but he slips out
he grabs her chord and they spin around and hug
he then sez its good to see her and her music taste s-cked
everyone in the 1st world cheers as watching it live
later mat maredo is on earth and notices a plant growing in the ground
I think hes at space academy
the martian gx
wait hes teaching there
he tells em about how bad space is
maybe we shouldn't go there in the 1st place??
hmans aint designed for it
btw at 1 point he sez this is da only time 1 man had 1 planet
what about adam b4 eve?
oh and as the credits go we get the 5th mission to mars
matt was da 3rd
he waited for da 4th
btw why are all the tvs flatscreens?
in 80s stuff people still use vhs in the future
the end
that was pretty good
in 20 years it'll be on the history channel
like with 2001 a space odyssey
I'm srs
they had that on the history channel
should've been riki-oh
that was a better film set in 2001
but this was pretty good
not much to hate about it
its basically castaway in space
good survival and nerd cr-p
for the martian 2 i'd like it to be years later and everyone who was on mars has started to mutate from some unknown element being there that affected people and when mixed with our atmosphere. they start to deform into grotesque abominations and begin feeding on people. turns out, this happened to the last residents of mars and they disintegrated into dust without others to feed on. also their metal cities rusted and decroded into the red dust of mars. and the only way to beat the mutated is for humans to eat them as they cant survive digestion but can regenerate from blades and bullets. its also a 16 bit beat em up  game where you play as people who beat up and eat the mutated and matt damon is the boss with the most grotesque mutation.

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