Wednesday, August 8, 2018
Bram Stokers Dracula Review
note; this film s-cked! too much b0ning! also; I mention b0ning a lot in here cuz the film has it. sorry about dat.
bram stokers Dracula
this is my review on bram stokers Dracula (from 1992)
I like films in the 90s, films w/o cg, films based on books, and films set in the 1800s
but this one they just f'd up
it stars gary Oldman from the dark knight, Keanu reeves from bill and ted, Wynona rider from Edward Scissorhands and Anthony Hopkins from that movie where he has a killer puppet but it might just be him being nuts (magic I think)
its directed by fransis ford coppela who did the godfather and the outsiders
but those were good
so it starts in 1462 when Constantinople fell to da turks and they were invading Europe
Dracula and the Christians went to fight
and he tore a55!
sticking people on sticks
but when he was out the turks sent a letter to his place saying he bit it
and his woman suicides
when Dracula gets home hes p-ssed and wants the church to let her into heaven
even though suicide is a sin
and they cant just give 1 person special treatment over others
The laws is one size fits all
not; everyones equal but some are more equal than others
maybe in England but this is eastern Europe(the good part of Europe)
Also the church doesn't make the laws, God does.
so he blames the church and renounces God
even though it was the turks wo caused the whole thing
they were the reason he was out fighting
they sent the fake news(like cnn?)
the church did nothing wrong here
its like batman attacking the cops for not making his parents case the only case they investigate
his backstory makes no sense!!
is it a thing on malcontent teens who give up on their faith?
oh and he has a trippy scene where the church hes in bleeds everywhere and he drinks it
is this a metaphor... right?
otherwise this movie is just f'd!
btw theres stuff in the Bible against ingesting blood
even food like blood sausage and blood and kidney pie and blood pudding
later it London england in 1897 and this nutty guy is in the nuthouse eating bugs
hes got kind of a Gollum from lord of the rings thing going
Keanu is sent to take nuttys job as financial guy for Dracula whos buying property in soviet England
now Keanu might not have the best accent
but its not as bad as everyone sez
and hes far from da worst thing of this film
beats kevin Costner as robin hood anyway
also hes the future husband to winona rider
he takes a train from England to Transylvania in the 1890s and writes in his diary
theres a cool effect with draculas eyes in the red sky out the train window
good ominous music too
then he takes a carriage to draculas castle(not Castlevania)
btw I should mention I played the sega genesis version of this movie and I liked it
its not great, but its a decent game
just takes a bit of learning
wtf are those electric lights on draculas carriage?!
also f w murnau did this clever in his 1920s rip off of thing with the speeding up footage
at da castle is a creepy shadow which moves independent of Dracula
he looks and sounds like cr-p in here btw
hes not scary
hes just a weird europeany guy
imma weird europeany guy!
tommy Wiseau is a weird europeany guy!
in fact he seems like if tommy Wiseau went senile!
they have dinner and Keanu sees a resemblance with 1400s dracula's picture and this one
hen Dracula flips out and pulls a sword screaming at Keanu cuz Keanu said something he didn't like
then goes on a tirade
he IS senile!
or a liberal
either is possible
plus his hairdo looks like a mans a55
se of having his shadow move independent of him
but it was done b4 in vampyr in the 30s
also keanu doesn't notice anything wrong with his shadow being its own thing
is he peter pan?!
when Keanu asks why he buys those exact houses, Dracula goes on a monologue about destiny
also Dracula is gay for keanus future wife mina
like sailor venus?
The bimbo from sailor moon?
is this where naoko takeuchi got the name?
later mina is on a typewriter looking at, and being grossed out by, the karma sutra
and her home gurl lucy comes in and its revealed to be hers
spoiler; shes a 5kank!
literally everything he sez is lusty
its like Arnold Schwarzenegger and ice puns in batman and robin!
what is it with horror movies having some lusty chick in em?
you don't have some guy trying to b0ne all the chicks.
lucy sez she did stuff in the karma sutra last night
but in a dream
in a dream I made out with rogue from xmen (and she was 90s cgi)
they talk about Keanu
btw prom night 4 the last kiss had a thing like this with the main character and her blonde lusty friend
but the friend tried coming on to her
but that was just a test to see if she was queer
later lucy lusts after quincy morris at a party
Castlevania homies remember him as the father of johnny morris from Castlevania bloodlines/ the new generation from sega genesis/mega drive
and the grandfather of johnny morris from Castlevania portrait of ruin on Nintendo DS
both good games
but I prefer using eric lecarde/ricardo in bloodlines
his spear is a better weapon and controls better
btw according to Castlevania, quincy here is a descendant of the Belmont family of vampire hunters
oh and hes played by the brother of bruce campbell from the evil dead, billy
lucy goes up to him and talks about touching his big long thing and wanting to see it
his big a55 bowie knife
not his man thing
then lucy moves to another guy
if she were around now, she'd get the aids
mina narrates how she admits lucy and how guys like her
does she wanna be b0ned like her?
is this like in hobgoblins where the mild chick goes wild?
did fransis ford coppola rip off hobgoblins???
late we hear a news thing of nutty guy renfield returning from Transylvania and going nuts
he looks kinda like mr raditch from degrassi next gen
In da nuthouse he eats bugs and has some mad max thing on his hand
and wants to move up to cats
and sez his master will make him immortal
what is he? garlic jr?
then he tries eating the nuthouse guy
later Keanu is shaving and blacula appears behind him
Keanu cuts himself shaving and Dracula freaks out looking at a mirror
then breaks it with an invisible ki blast or something
why does a vampire have mirrors in his castle if he fears em??
also he licks the shaving thing's blood in a weird way
how long left in this abomination?
I could beat Castlevania bloodlines in less
h-ll I could beat the sega game of this in less!
then Dracula goes around keanu and shaves him
but hes behind him! he cat see what hes doing!
he sees the reflection of a crucifix on keanus neck in his blade and freaks out
then sez his culture is different
Dracula laughs about the wolf sounds outside
then books it
Keanu looks out and Dracula is wall crawling like spiderman
Keanu writes letters and don't mention his fears as Dracula will read them
like facebook reading ur messages
or oh bba mma reading our emails
later Keanu goes into the basement and finds perfume
he hears voices and follows em to a bed
this is how p0rn0es start
but if its ghost p0rn0 its naecrofilia
Keanu is in bed with vampire sl=ts who appear
they start doing stuff with him
licking him all over
then 1 takes off his pants
this is like brokeback mountain
an engaged man getting seduced by someone else when out at work
but as theyre undead its necro instead of gay
wtf I think 1 bit his parts!!
and in the mirror above da bed its just Keanu wiggling around(with his pants on)
why is there a mirror above da bed in a vampire castle?!
then Dracula comes in
and wtf I think the vampire sl-ts are fused together in a weird mess
D; this one is not for you
V girl; but you have never loved
D I have loved b4, and I will love again!
gives girls a baby and they eat it
scene fades to black
did Dracula just b0ne Keanu reeves?!
later Keanu sends mina a letter saying hes staying 1 more month to teach Dracula English custom
back in Castlevania, Keanu sez Dracula has gypsies who work for him and has dirt from the castle floor delivered to englind
later lucy sez she agreed to marry some high rank guy
but mina worries about Keanu
later, on a boat mailing the boxes of Dracula dirt to englind, dracla dreams of mina and does a cocoon thing as storms happen and the crew gets eaten
wtf they hose people on a boat off
did they have hoses in the 1800s?!
also renfield in the nuthouse gets experimented on or w/e
later we see this thing that looks like a fusion of bigfoot and planet of the apes going around somewhere
mina looks outside and sees lucy in the stormy night
she goes out and sees the sasquatch b0ning lucy
he looks like a joke
he might as well be dressed as sonic the hedgehog!
it sees her and things white out
then hes gone and mina helps lucy
wtf is going on?!
I cant take this seriously
is this an art film?
oh and sasquatch is hiding behind the shrubs
then narrator sez vampires CAN be outside in the sun
vamps, if you do your homework, only started fearing the sun in the 20s when f w murnau needed a different way to ice his vampire
he figured, its a night creature, the sun kills it
and it was so popular, it set the standard in vamp films
but here they don't have full power in daylight
also Dracula busts outta his box and is young again
he walks around London in hipster glasses looking like johnny depp and follows mina
also according to da news, a wolf got outta da zoo
drac meets mina and sez she looks like his wife
btw the whole subplot of mina being drculas reincarnated wife wasnt in the book
in there she was just another victim
here they tried to humanize him for some reason
gacy's victim being his wife in a past life?
why not make the teens Jason ices his killers in a past life?
later lucy is getting ready for her wedding and is feeling like shes changing
her current man chats with quincy and homies
but lucy is all f;d
hes Abraham van h-lsing (abe vhs) to come over to help
vhs is played by Anthony Hopkins
later mina and drakura wach silent films
she wants 2 go but he pulls her back and tries b0ning her
I think hes gonna eat her
or both like that gay german cannibal
but he cant do it
also is a wolf wandering around
I think its his familiar like in dungeons and dragons
he controls it and has mina feel his big white wolf
normally i'd say; In the real verson it was them b0ning
but in this movie, if they were b0ning, it would show them b0ning!
so he takes her home
then we are introduced to vhs talking bout vampire bats
and crotch diseases
great use of an Oscar winning actor
talking about b0ning and the plagues u get from it
at least hes not in an adam sandler movie
could be worse still
he could be de niro
from raging bull to dirty grandpa
hes not far from doing p0rn0
and marlon brando DID p0rn0!
last tango in paris
he thinks hes so big
at least when the Yugioh cast did xxx anime, they didn't show their parts on screen!
so Keanu escapes from the castle and tries to get back to London
but we don't see his epic adventure
instead we cut to dracula and psychically b0ning lucy
vhs shows up and learns lucy is missing blood
they hear her being b0ned upstairs and run up
he sees neck holes and gives her a transfusion
I should mention theres hardly any swearing in here
in the 1800s they had class
except gangs of new York
1 guy sez he loves lucy and would give his last drop of blood 4 her
vhs sez; thanks but we wont need that much I hope
Hopkins in great in anything
even a semi p0rn0 like this
after filling her with aids free blood, Hopkins points out theres no blood spilling from her bloodloss
and some things science cant explain
and eventually sez that its a vampire
later mina is on a date with Dracula and he awakens some past life memories of her
although go nagai did it 1st with demon lord dante in the 70s with ryo utsugi and medusa
Dracula tells her about how mina's past life and his woman suicided
Keanu gradually makes it back across the mud and cr-p to a church
and has em write to mina to come to the church in Europe to marry him
mina sees lucy and lucy tells her to be with kranu
and gives her a ring
then lucy goes mental over garlic
quincy sez if she don't get better hes gotta put her to sleep
she tried biting him
not the 1st time she used her mouth on a man
vhs holds her down and sees her fangs
even though brits usually have f'd teeth
then vhs reads about Dracula boilded, roasted, impaled, skinned and chopped up people. then drank their blood
and mina dumps Dracula and goes to Keanu
vhs figures out its really Dracula, who he hunted all his life for some reason
and has to save lucy
but 1st, dinner
later the men stand guard but drac attax and I think b0nes her dead
also at the same time, mina and Keanu marry
and we got nearly an hour left in this monstrosity
later vhs wants to take out lucys head and heart
and minas back in town and longs for Dracula
even though hes married to Keanu
when did this become springer?!
also I think they see Dracula and Keanu recognizes him even though hes 400 years younger
later abe vhs and his homies go to where they put lucy and its empty
vhs sez shes a vampire now
then lucy comes down and candles light up
they hate light!
also shes caught a kid
she tries to seduce the guy
but abe vhs stops her with a cross and rebukes her dead
then he has a guy nail her with a stake to da heart and they take off her head
then it cuts to them eating
good fake out to cannibalism
vhs tells everyone how he chopped her up
Anthony Hopkins is the only good thing about this film
hes like scott mcneil in the 90s double dragon cartoon
or dan green in all those p0rn0 animes he starred in
bram stokers Dracula, the 90s double dragon cartoon, and bad anime p0rn0, all were almost saved by 1 excellent actor
but still kinda s-cked
so Keanu sez he knows where Dracula sleeps
vhs sez Dracula has the strength of 20 men
can control animals
can turn into fog
but needs to recharge in dirt from his homeland
and quincys bullets wont harm him
but head offing with his big a55 bowie knife can
doesn't it need to be blessed?
mina and Keanu are in the nuthouse for some reason and see renfield
he tells em Dracula wants mina and not to stay in the nuthouse
also renfiend yells at drakila over wanting to make mina immortal over him
maybe if u turned him queer and seduced him he'd do it for you
vhs and homies bust draculas boxes and drac ices renfiend by mashing him against the bars of the cell with his ki or something
draculas mist forme covers sleeping mina and they communicate
she wants to be with him
ur married to Keanu
this is also naecrofilia
then dracluna reformes and sez how awful he is
she hits him like a girl over icing lucy
then sez she loves him
im watching it on youtube mirrored and distorted to avoid copyrights
she then wants to go vampire like him
btw in the book she was mind controlled into this
here its out of love
its like megatron becoming unicrons slave cuz he admires him instead of being forced to, to avoid being obliterated in the tranformers movie
he sucks her and cutz himself and she drinks his blood
that's a good way to get da aids
drac wants to not do it half way through as he don't want her to be turned
but she gets him to anyway
also her drinking his blood is made to look like b0ning
fransis ford coppola really turned into a purvurt to make these recent films
at least we don't see gary oldmans thing
so the guys go up to see mina for some reason and Dracula has instantly turned into a bat sasquatch
why did they leave mina alone in draculas place?!
vhs rebukes him but he makes the cross catch fire
drak sez he was betrayed and blames God for him going mutant
even though he renounced Him and chose the blackpath
if I close the windows and turn off the lights and trip over something I didn't see, do I blame the light for not being there??
he turned into a blue/grey bat monster?!
this ripped off Castlevania!!
and I think blacula did the reincarnated woman thing 1st
the lights go out and when it comes back on, Dracula is a pile of rats
it falls apart and escapes
imagine if he turned into a pile of soft d0ngs
they burn the rats they can catch and vhs sez Dracula fears em
later vhs tries hypnotizing mina to find Dracula
one of the vampire 5kanks played Mary Magdalene in Mel Gibsons The Passion
so mina knows the route Dracula is taking home to Transylvania in his last box
they go after him by train
also mina is biting it from the aids Dracula gave her
but she wanted to turn
so drackila read minas mind and knew they were onto him so he evaded em by boat
somehow abe vhs knows he did this and they split up
also gypsies are helping Dracula
at night draculas vampire 5kanks come at abe vhs and mina
I should point out the sega genesis game actually scared me
after u beat 1 boss it goes black
then cuts to u surrounded by the vampire 5kanks as they cackle and chase u
its quite a jolt
so the 5kanks make mina try to ice vhs
but he turns her back
then lights a fire circle around him and mina
then rebukes them
howd he make a fire circle?
is it holy fire?
did pieces of the torch fall off in the right way?
the next day he iced the 5kanks as they sleep and throws their heads away
later the suns going and the good guys are trying to beat Dracula to the castle
what is this!? birth of a nation?!
I think mina casts a spell or something and its snowing now
oh and the good guys fight the gypsies
quincy got backstabbed
but hes from texas so hes bada55
after da sun, Dracula busts outta his box and Keanu slices his throat
good reference to the shaving thing 2 hours ago
quincy gets him in a heart with his big a55 bowie knife but Dracula busts him
I should mention, in Castlevania bloodline/the new generation,, its said quincy's son johnny morris saw this final fight
yet hes not shown to be in here
its like with Edwards being in the Alaska base in Robotech II: The Sentinels despite not being in the original macross cartoon
so mina defends Dracula and takes him in the castle
oh and Dracula looks like the thing in the troll movies
and quincy bites it
mina makes out with rotted chopped up Dracula and sez her love frees Dracula from dark powers
sorta like how in violence jack evil town, mad saulus makes out with his hermaphrodite gf's head b4 eating her
oh and Dracula is his human self again
she spikes his heart with the knife (as u gotta hit it 2x I guess) and smooches him
then she takes off his head and we see a picture of Dracula and past mina on the ceiling
I don't hate it as much as I used to
I mean its still got a lot wrong with it
they changed the point of the book and made him sympathetic
megatron was only mean to the autoboots cuz one mo lested him as a kid?
its like making the joker from batman the good guy and having us feel for him
or carnage from spiderman into this romantic lead who only chopps people us cuz his gf dumped him and now he hates all chix
plus making the chicks he chops up be him doing it out of love
the effects were good in here and Anthony Hopkins did his best to save this film
I cant hate him
but the movie still is quite f'd
its like the dragon ball evolution of Dracula movies
I mean its not unwatchable
and other movies changed things from the books
and the effects are good
but theres so much lust and 5kanks
I might as well be watching la blue girl
the acting is kinda close to it too
and not just Keanu
I guess cary elwes from he princess bride is good
but gary oldman s-cked in here
hes good in other things
but I guess the director just told him to act like a nutmo in here
btw mel brooks Dracula movie was far better as its actually got good acting and jokes
this can be funny but not on purpose
yet that movie cost mel brooks his directing career
and this saved fransis ford coppola's company
its like bizzarro world logic!
this film had much more work put into the costumes and sets than the actual writing and acting
its like a game with great graphics but cr-ppy gameplay
is not boring or horrible
just kinda f'd in story, plot, characters and logicAlso its too long!
it goes on for nearly 3 hours w/o commercials!
and it drags too
its not like the ten commandments where its 5 hours but has good pacing and feel
it like, but not as bad as, titanic.
for bram stokers Dracula 2 I want it to be months later and mina wants Dracula back. but she still has his blood in her and saved a piece of his skin. using her memories from her mind link with him, she uses a ritual to revive him and eats the skin. but it causes him to revive in her and she turn into a hermaphrodite with half her face squished to one side and draculas face on the other. she decides to revive her vampire army and take over da world and starts turning people vamp one at a time. abe vhs and Keanu decide to take her down and fight their way through her vampire army and various mutated people she used black magic on and go after her from city to city. also its a 2 player hack and slash beat em up like golden axe on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Atari jaguar with 1 player as Keanu and one as abe vhs and they have a selection of holy weapons to fight with hat you can change b4 each level.