Wednesday, August 29, 2018

They Made Me A Criminal Review

notew; I spell like a 30s homie
they made me a criminal
this is my review on they made me a criminal
its a remake of some 33 film and part of the dead end kids film series
its got john fgarfield and claude rains and may robson who was born in the slavery day
ooh, music my max steiner
hes good
so it starts with a boxing match
main guy pummels the foe and wins
lol his name is jonny
like da room with tommy Wiseau
he gives a clean positive view on winning to da fans
now hes world champion
a cop brings him a watch he loves
claude puts it on jonnys right hand as hes a lefty
claude sent an innocent guy to da chain(hes a cop)
1 guy mocks jonny for not drinking and b0ning a buncha chicks
wat next? making fun of him for not having aids?
later jonny is drunk and with some bimbo
if this were made today. they'd be b0ning
later another bimbo comes in and drinks his booze
she playfully fights him
johhny doesn't think friends are real and anyone who likes him is after something
he reveals his wholesome act is a lie and hes really scum
but 1 guy I there is a reporter
jonny tries to stop him but is too drunk and falls over
jonnys manager kills reporter with a bottle to the skull
then he and 1st bimbo carry jonny out and drive him to some place
manager tells bimbo johhny iced the guy but she thinks it don't sound like jonny
johhny doesn't drunk?
then gets drunk?
he hit a guy?
but its a lie?
its the room!!
also maganer jacks jonnys watch
they drink and drive and radio sez jonnys wanted for icing the reporter
they floor it but cops chase em
they crash and the car goes up in a freekin fireball
cr-ppy a55 union made American cr-pmobile
then newspapers say jonny bit it in da crash
the next day or week or w/ew, jonny wakes up and finds himself in a new place
but hes not tied up with leather like Charlie sheen
he reads da paper and hinds hes dead
he calls some guy and sez he cant recall killed the reporter
so guy sez to stay faking dead and to live someway else
and he cant get his bank account 10 grand
guy writes him a check and change his looks
da cops thin they closed the case
but detective clause conan sez he don't think so
the watch was on a different hole size and the wrong wrist
and hes gonna prove jonnies still alive to win back his status after having an innocent man executed
so the guy get jonnys cash from da bank somehow but takes most of it as his fee
and jonny cant do sh-t as he'd get da chair for it
guy tells jonny to not act tough nor use his fighting stance or he'd get fingered
and gives him 250$
jonnk travels like a hobo across the US America to Arizona
in a restaurant he drops a cash but a guy takes it
he nearly beats him but holds back
later hes on a train roof and jumps off as a guy is after him
then walks across the mad max violence jack wasteland of Arizona and comes by a forest
man we're like half an hour in with adds and it feels like nothing
good flow
also its made in 39 like gone with the wind and wizard of oz
so in da forest is a blonde and a buncha kids/slaves working on it collecting dates to sell
btw jonny keeps using the work "sucker" over and over
its his phobia
he blacks out and blonde nurses him back to health with milk(probably from her b00bs as I don't see any cows or stores here)
lotsa blondes in here
they talk and he smooches her w/o consent
nowadays they'd make him look like a butt raepist for dat
he gives em lies about being from texas
after they leave he gets dressed in his clothes and leaves
they took off his clothes?!
and put him in jammies?!
naked men!!
this kid bugs him and he shoved him in the dirt
kid attacks him and so does grandma from the slavery days
the other dead end kids are there and he wants work
he ges in a pit spitting contest with a kid and kid wins
the kids are delinquents and are here to reform
the kids have smarta55 remark at each other
jonny wants some smokes and dares a kid to jack some
he does
but blonde takes em back
then he trains kids to box
they had boxing equipment?
also he trains em to fight dirty
and shoves a kid on his a55 for taking his picture
kid gets it anyway
blonde busts his a55 for teaching kids to fight dirty
but he sez hes preparing em encase someone tries it on em
this story is a lot like the ones of a demigod kicked out of heaven and having to slum with mortals
Beyblade did it once with Tyson helping that kid and one kid had stars on his blade
or in batman the animated series where bruce goes undercover as a hobo and gets put in the hot box by that fata55
btw this whole thing of his life going from superstar to slumbum happened cuz he got drunk
plus the real crooks bit it cuz they drove drunk
its like that tiny toons episode one beer
weird al don't drink
amy winehouse did
amy bit it b4 30
weird al is like over 60
so later the kids (who are like 25 year old teenagers like 90210) swim in a water holding thing
but da farmer waters his crop and the water level gets too low for them to get out
and no one knows where they are
this is like one of those 90s shows to teach kids to tell people where they are going
then da farmer turns off da water
and a kid is running outa steem
so they take turns going to da bottom and opening the water manually to let it out
maybe they could use their clothes to tie it open
eventually the water is low enuff to stand in
they stand on eachothers shoulders and get a ladder
jonny gets em and drives em back and tells em not to say wat happened
and 1 is kinda f;d up from it
kids say he fell in an irrigation ditch
blonde wants jonny gone
1 kid wants to go with jonny but jonny sez no
offscreen a kid tells blonde wat really happened and she forgives jonny
later he drives with her and they grow closer
on the drive they stop at a gas station and see posters foe a european boxer where if u beat him u get 2000$ in 30s money
btw as this is da 30s I assume its the economic slump of oh bba mma I mean f d r
he goes to be signed on to fight but the manager there don't accept
so jonny slugs him and is admitted
what is this? double dragon?!
if u can beat me i'll let you in!
later he's training and slavery days granny trash talks him
later hes having some mad max style shower
the kids show they got his picture in da paper
he slugs the guy out and his jaw dangles
he just gets p-ssed
claude rains gets it and sez its jonny
but his superior don't buy it
so clause goes after jonny
later da dead end kids see this snooty a55 rich kid with a motion picture camera
they go and get rich a55 kid to come with em to play poker
and they cheet him outta good hands
I think
I don't know poker
I play Yugioh b--ch!!
I can see them using duelist kingdom rules to cheet him outta winning
rich kid; but my monster has more atk
dead end kid; yeah but you got a spellcaster and hes using a machine. its immune to magic
rich kid; ohhhh. that makes sense.
they swindle the rich a55 kid outta his clothes  and cr-p
at least they didn't make him bet his virginity!
later jonny sees a guy at da fight who's woman is gonna have a kid and hes fighting for cash
but he hears claude angela rainz asking if the fighter is a lefty
at dinner the kids get him some fancy item
I cant see it but I think its boxing gloves
he sez he cant fight and it bumms everyone
blonde b--ches about him not loving her and kids b--ch about him being yellow(that's racist)
1 kid tries to get him to fight and believes in him
this is kinda sappy but its got heart
kid wins over jonny and jonny is gonna fight
jonny talks to a picture of a priest and realizes if he don't fight south paw style they cant finger him
at da fight da kids con their way in saying their friend has their tickets
then the last guy sez; who's them? its just me!
then they fake having tickets by passing the stub
b4 da fight the eurpean guy is an a55
always hassling his foes and trying to hit a pressure point on jonnys arm to f it up
but jonny knows that move and prevents it
jonny trash talks back and riles him up
guy with preggo wife goes up and gets his a55 kicked offscreen
then jonny goes up to fight
cladue talks to jonny but jonny denies knowing him
they fight and jonny doesn't use his southern style
but gets his a55 kicked
round 2
jonny gets a55 kicked
same in round 03
btw hes holding out pretty well from these beatings
round 4 and hes getting creamed
claude sez just use ur left and kick his a55
jonny changes stance and beats his a55
like a Beyblade switching modes in battle
jonny lasted long enuff to make da cash
guess its a time thing
but he goes in one more round and gets his a55 beat
so we're back to where the film started
jonny after a fight and clause rains by him
slavery days gramma and blonde come in and are happy he won the money for da kids
then the kids come in and are happy to see him
after jonny gets dressed he tells blonde claude booked him fights in da east
she don't buy it and wants to go with him
he sez no and hes commin right back
she has jonny kiss her and he goes as she whines about wanting to go with him
at da train yard jonny sez claude is gonna be a hero when he gets back
and he wont try to run off
1 kid follows em and wants to go with jonny
jonny gives him a story and kid goes
btw, teens jonny helps and mentors with some blonde?
its denny and da room!
da train comes and claude sez da guy he iced had a wife
and her reaction to seeing him cook on da chair was like blonde just now
he lets jonny go and plays it tough
as train goes, kid jumps out from under it at high speed and doesnt get chopped up
they go back to town in the dark arm in arm side by side like Casablanca did years later
the end
that was pretty good
I liked it
nice lite and fun
good clean and charming
nice positive film about getting a second chance
its like when p0rn0 manga and anime creator toshio maeda got run over and got a new start at life after his homies ditched him 
btw the 2nd bimbo was Barbara pepper who was in a tar is born and of mice and men.
and green acres
and claude rains didnt do much in here but was a nice addition
for they made me a criminal 2 I want the kids to find a treasure map to some hidden Arizona treasure and go on an adventure to find it. along the way they find a tribe of desert midgets in Arizona who are undiscovered and live in some kind of interdimensional rift between realms. the midgets try to ice and eat re so they can be human sized instead of hobbit sized and the kids have to get out of their dimension and escape back home. its also an 8 bit nes, sega master system and turbo grafix 16 game where you gotta go through the levels and save all 6 other dead end kids(1 per level) and get midget tech to fight off the dimensional midgets and their organic weapon beasts.

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