They Made Me A Criminal Review

notew; I spell like a 30s homie

they made me a criminal

this is my review on they made me a criminal

its a remake of some 33 film and part of the dead end kids film series

its got john fgarfield and claude rains and may robson who was born in the slavery day

ooh, music my max steiner

hes good

so it starts with a boxing match

main guy pummels the foe and wins

lol his name is jonny

like da room with tommy Wiseau

he gives a clean positive view on winning to da fans

now hes world champion

a cop brings him a watch he loves

claude puts it on jonnys right hand as hes a lefty

claude sent an innocent guy to da chain(hes a cop)

1 guy mocks jonny for not drinking and b0ning a buncha chicks

wat next? making fun of him for not having aids?

later jonny is drunk and with some bimbo

if this were made today. they'd be b0ning

later another bimbo comes in and drinks his booze

she playfully fights him

johhny doesn't think friends are real and anyone who likes him is after something

he reveals his wholesome act is a lie and hes really scum

but 1 guy I there is a reporter

jonny tries to stop him but is too drunk and falls over

jonnys manager kills reporter with a bottle to the skull

then he and 1st bimbo carry jonny out and drive him to some place

manager tells bimbo johhny iced the guy but she thinks it don't sound like jonny

johhny doesn't drunk?

then gets drunk?

he hit a guy?

but its a lie?

its the room!!

also maganer jacks jonnys watch

they drink and drive and radio sez jonnys wanted for icing the reporter

they floor it but cops chase em

they crash and the car goes up in a freekin fireball

cr-ppy a55 union made American cr-pmobile

then newspapers say jonny bit it in da crash

the next day or week or w/ew, jonny wakes up and finds himself in a new place

but hes not tied up with leather like Charlie sheen

he reads da paper and hinds hes dead

he calls some guy and sez he cant recall killed the reporter

so guy sez to stay faking dead and to live someway else

and he cant get his bank account 10 grand

guy writes him a check and change his looks

da cops thin they closed the case

but detective clause conan sez he don't think so

the watch was on a different hole size and the wrong wrist

and hes gonna prove jonnies still alive to win back his status after having an innocent man executed

so the guy get jonnys cash from da bank somehow but takes most of it as his fee

and jonny cant do sh-t as he'd get da chair for it

guy tells jonny to not act tough nor use his fighting stance or he'd get fingered

and gives him 250$

jonnk travels like a hobo across the US America to Arizona

in a restaurant he drops a cash but a guy takes it

he nearly beats him but holds back

later hes on a train roof and jumps off as a guy is after him

then walks across the mad max violence jack wasteland of Arizona and comes by a forest

man we're like half an hour in with adds and it feels like nothing

good flow

also its made in 39 like gone with the wind and wizard of oz

so in da forest is a blonde and a buncha kids/slaves working on it collecting dates to sell

btw jonny keeps using the work "sucker" over and over

its his phobia

he blacks out and blonde nurses him back to health with milk(probably from her b00bs as I don't see any cows or stores here)

lotsa blondes in here

they talk and he smooches her w/o consent

nowadays they'd make him look like a butt raepist for dat

he gives em lies about being from texas

after they leave he gets dressed in his clothes and leaves

they took off his clothes?!

and put him in jammies?!

naked men!!

this kid bugs him and he shoved him in the dirt

kid attacks him and so does grandma from the slavery days

the other dead end kids are there and he wants work

he ges in a pit spitting contest with a kid and kid wins

the kids are delinquents and are here to reform

the kids have smarta55 remark at each other

jonny wants some smokes and dares a kid to jack some

he does

but blonde takes em back

then he trains kids to box

they had boxing equipment?

also he trains em to fight dirty

and shoves a kid on his a55 for taking his picture

kid gets it anyway

blonde busts his a55 for teaching kids to fight dirty

but he sez hes preparing em encase someone tries it on em

this story is a lot like the ones of a demigod kicked out of heaven and having to slum with mortals

Beyblade did it once with Tyson helping that kid and one kid had stars on his blade

or in batman the animated series where bruce goes undercover as a hobo and gets put in the hot box by that fata55

btw this whole thing of his life going from superstar to slumbum happened cuz he got drunk

plus the real crooks bit it cuz they drove drunk

its like that tiny toons episode one beer

weird al don't drink

amy winehouse did

amy bit it b4 30

weird al is like over 60

so later the kids (who are like 25 year old teenagers like 90210) swim in a water holding thing

but da farmer waters his crop and the water level gets too low for them to get out

and no one knows where they are

this is like one of those 90s shows to teach kids to tell people where they are going

then da farmer turns off da water

and a kid is running outa steem

so they take turns going to da bottom and opening the water manually to let it out

maybe they could use their clothes to tie it open

eventually the water is low enuff to stand in

they stand on eachothers shoulders and get a ladder

jonny gets em and drives em back and tells em not to say wat happened

and 1 is kinda f;d up from it

kids say he fell in an irrigation ditch

blonde wants jonny gone

1 kid wants to go with jonny but jonny sez no

offscreen a kid tells blonde wat really happened and she forgives jonny

later he drives with her and they grow closer

on the drive they stop at a gas station and see posters foe a european boxer where if u beat him u get 2000$ in 30s money

btw as this is da 30s I assume its the economic slump of oh bba mma I mean f d r

he goes to be signed on to fight but the manager there don't accept

so jonny slugs him and is admitted

what is this? double dragon?!

if u can beat me i'll let you in!

later he's training and slavery days granny trash talks him

later hes having some mad max style shower

the kids show they got his picture in da paper

he slugs the guy out and his jaw dangles

jk

he just gets p-ssed

claude rains gets it and sez its jonny

but his superior don't buy it

so clause goes after jonny

later da dead end kids see this snooty a55 rich kid with a motion picture camera

they go and get rich a55 kid to come with em to play poker

and they cheet him outta good hands

I think

I don't know poker

I play Yugioh b--ch!!

I can see them using duelist kingdom rules to cheet him outta winning

rich kid; but my monster has more atk

dead end kid; yeah but you got a spellcaster and hes using a machine. its immune to magic

rich kid; ohhhh. that makes sense.

they swindle the rich a55 kid outta his clothes  and cr-p

at least they didn't make him bet his virginity!

later jonny sees a guy at da fight who's woman is gonna have a kid and hes fighting for cash

but he hears claude angela rainz asking if the fighter is a lefty

at dinner the kids get him some fancy item

I cant see it but I think its boxing gloves

he sez he cant fight and it bumms everyone

blonde b--ches about him not loving her and kids b--ch about him being yellow(that's racist)

1 kid tries to get him to fight and believes in him

this is kinda sappy but its got heart

kid wins over jonny and jonny is gonna fight

jonny talks to a picture of a priest and realizes if he don't fight south paw style they cant finger him

at da fight da kids con their way in saying their friend has their tickets

then the last guy sez; who's them? its just me!

then they fake having tickets by passing the stub

b4 da fight the eurpean guy is an a55

always hassling his foes and trying to hit a pressure point on jonnys arm to f it up

but jonny knows that move and prevents it

jonny trash talks back and riles him up

guy with preggo wife goes up and gets his a55 kicked offscreen

then jonny goes up to fight

cladue talks to jonny but jonny denies knowing him

they fight and jonny doesn't use his southern style

but gets his a55 kicked

round 2

fight

jonny gets a55 kicked

same in round 03

btw hes holding out pretty well from these beatings

round 4 and hes getting creamed

claude sez just use ur left and kick his a55

jonny changes stance and beats his a55

like a Beyblade switching modes in battle

jonny lasted long enuff to make da cash

guess its a time thing

but he goes in one more round and gets his a55 beat

so we're back to where the film started

jonny after a fight and clause rains by him

slavery days gramma and blonde come in and are happy he won the money for da kids

then the kids come in and are happy to see him

after jonny gets dressed he tells blonde claude booked him fights in da east

she don't buy it and wants to go with him

he sez no and hes commin right back

she has jonny kiss her and he goes as she whines about wanting to go with him

at da train yard jonny sez claude is gonna be a hero when he gets back

and he wont try to run off

1 kid follows em and wants to go with jonny

jonny gives him a story and kid goes

btw, teens jonny helps and mentors with some blonde?

its denny and da room!

da train comes and claude sez da guy he iced had a wife

and her reaction to seeing him cook on da chair was like blonde just now

he lets jonny go and plays it tough

as train goes, kid jumps out from under it at high speed and doesnt get chopped up

they go back to town in the dark arm in arm side by side like Casablanca did years later

the end

that was pretty good

I liked it

nice lite and fun

good clean and charming

nice positive film about getting a second chance

its like when p0rn0 manga and anime creator toshio maeda got run over and got a new start at life after his homies ditched him 

btw the 2nd bimbo was Barbara pepper who was in a tar is born and of mice and men.

and green acres

and claude rains didnt do much in here but was a nice addition

for they made me a criminal 2 I want the kids to find a treasure map to some hidden Arizona treasure and go on an adventure to find it. along the way they find a tribe of desert midgets in Arizona who are undiscovered and live in some kind of interdimensional rift between realms. the midgets try to ice and eat re so they can be human sized instead of hobbit sized and the kids have to get out of their dimension and escape back home. its also an 8 bit nes, sega master system and turbo grafix 16 game where you gotta go through the levels and save all 6 other dead end kids(1 per level) and get midget tech to fight off the dimensional midgets and their organic weapon beasts.