Thursday, September 27, 2018

Teenage Caveman Review

note; corman makes good moviesw with low budget. I make bad reviews with no budget. esp my bad a55 spelling
teenage caveman
this is my review on ten age cave man from 1958
its directed by roger corman whos awesome
its also called "out of the darkness" in soviet England
a was filmed with the title "prehistoric world"
people say its the worst film ever made
I assume they never saw the phantom of 10 000 leagues
it stars Robert Vaughn who was in the man from u.n.c.l.e. the 10 commandments, the magnificent 7, bullitt, the towering inferno, demon seed, superman III, and 2 eps of law and order svu
its got jonathan haze from little shop of horrors
ed nelson from a bunch of roger corman cr-p
and Robert Shayne from the giant claw
man these guys were is a lot of cr-p
so it starts with a voice over of how the universe started
bible style
then title
and credits to cave paintings
spoiler; cavemen were a myth
creation science disproved them
so some cavemen caught some big a55 animal and are bringing it back to their village to eat
main guy went too far from the base and the law forbids it
yet theres dinosaurs and good food out there
and main guy thinks da law holds em back
is this where judge dredd got it from?
the boss sez its dangerous out there
boss went too far once and sez its not worth it
also is something out there that kills with a touch
is that where Kenshiro from fist of the north star got it?
1 guy has a small fire that he tends too as its a gift
1 guy looks after a wheel for da same reason
main guy questions it
also 1 guy builds and breaks stuff
a beardo trys to set him streaight
later they gon hunt
but 1st they talk about symbol makers
main guys dad is 1
its a tradition as their line has visions
also its forbidden by da lah to question things
oh boss is his dad
dad didn't see the thing that kills but the past symbol maker (SM) showed him
its invincible to spears, bigger than man, and has claws
the law was given to keep em safe
after they make symbols the men go hunting
im not sure what they did though
did they paint on da walls?
it didn't really show it
on the hunt they fight a bear and I think it takes someone out
was dat a real bear?
or a guy inna suit?
im not sure
I think SM got it
they treat him
later beardo trys to get main guy to go past the law zones
its revealed f u break the law, u get shunned
and if u break it and the clan gets f;d they ice ya
later as the bear meat is almost done, main guy wants to go out in the forbidden zone
btw I think sm dad said they were doing this for 5 generations or lifetimes or w/e
so main guy and some homies go out to hunt in the forbiddenzone
oh and this film is fullscreen
no black bars
as they hunt main guy sez he really came here to disprove the law
and the rest of his homies stay with him
he breaks off a stick and its a flute sounding blow thing
then 2 reptiles with effects added to look more dnosaury fight
a gator and an iguana
gater grabs iguana and spins
1 hunter falls in water and its quicksand
he bites it
see you in h-ll
on the way back main guy throws 1 rock at a squirrel and gives up on it
spoiler; squirrels have dangerous parasites
don't touch em
he tries again and gets it
he sets a fire and cooks the squirrel
btw his homies are gone
the this really cr-ppy monster comes out and he books it
but bumps into a tree and is k o ed
later sm dad recovers and wants his son
but hes been gone for 2 days
a homie from the hunt tells of the hunt and how they left main guy
also no one has names here
they just say "fair haired boy" for the blonde in quicksand
beardo sez eve if main guy bit it, they're f;d cuz of him
sm dad draws a sun on the ground saying hes going out on da suns 3rd rising
you mean counting the 2 days u were out?
or starting now as day 1?
main guy wakes up and f's with tree branches
he makes a bow
the takes out a deer
later sm dad goes out 2 find him
as main guy walks carrying a deer(pretty strong) some dogs come after him
he fights em wth a mtal knife and dad comes in
both ice da dogs
at base beard sez they gotta execute main guy for breakin da law
and gods will bust em 4 it
but sm dad sez they haven't yet so they safe
dad suggests shunning him til hes a man
the elders agree but breardo trys to ice him
but elder sez enuff and everyone leaves
this is a weird episode of breaking amish
later this blonde female caveman gets nude and takes a bath
but we don't se her nips
main guy comes by and plays his flute he made of sticks
she gets dressed and is instantly dry
main guy wants to go back out to the forbidden zone but she sez if he dos it again he gon get executed
she mentions something about him waiting until the rites of manhood
1st; hes like 30
2nd; is he gonna be circimsized?
then an animal comes by the village
main guy somehow knows its from beyond the burning place where da law sez nothing can live
turns out its really a man on a horse
beardo sez its impossible fan to ride beast and gets da people to ice it
its like evolutionists going mental over creation science evidence
beardo; kill da beast!
me; I think Disney is gonna rip this off in 40 years
main guy sez they could learn from the horse man
horseman sez; peace
and beardo shanks him with a spear
main guy sez horse man could've goven em truth about da law
some cavemen feel for horse man and give him a bural
but beardo sez hes evil
its like how the left sees anyone who disagrees with em as sub human and to be purged
sm dad has been moved and suggests going out and getting supplies from the forbidden zone
but beardo sez he don't deserve to be sm and wants the position
the law sez if a high ranker breaks da law, his challenger takes his place
yeah cuz skill and merit are over rated
elder decides they all gotta stay there
what is this? a union?
the boss sez something and everyone has to do it?
so sm dad aint sm now
and he sides with main guy
so its time for main guys bar mitzvah
and they just ask him if he'd hold to da word and law
he consents
later elder shows him this meteor they found
but aint allowed to touch
beardo suspects main guy didn't mean his answers at his ritual
also beardo is new sm
and main guy don't trust beardo
and sez one day they gon fight til 1 bites it
what are they? X and Zero from mega man X?
later blonde cave babe comes on to main guy and wants to have a home with him
so he digs a new cave for em
later main guy tells his woman he wants to ice the monster
he gives a speech about how its for the good of da klans future
he goes out to do so
ex sm dad finds out and tells mom(whos not really seen nor mentioned b4) hes going out to save him
beardo finds out and tells the people to go after em and ice em b4 they all get iced cuz of t
the men dont wanna follow beardo across the river as its breaking the law
so beardo gives a speech saying its ok as if they don't they all gon bite it and they follow him
like liberals saying if u don't do what we say, people will be unsafe
eventually, main guy finds cr-pula monster and dad finds them
main guy sez if he ices it, then theres nothing to fear and the law will be over
what is this? final fantasy?
kill the bad god and everyones free?
then brardo and friends come by and wanna ice the good guys in front of the god ands it will know they wanna keep da law
then dogs come in and attack the people
I like how dogs are the bad guys here
so the dogs are done and everyones dead but beardo and the main guys
I think
maybe they cut the scene that sez what happened
main guy sees the monster isn't evil
then beardo kills it with a rock he dropped from a tree above em
didn't he wanna please it b4?
now he wacks it?
was he aiming for main guy?
also the monster is too tough for spears to stop yet a rock busts it?
also, he had to be pretty strong to carry dat rock up da tree
unless it was already there
if so, why was it there!?
so main guy picks off beardo with his bow
then the other people who disappeared after the dogs come by saying they otta ice main guy and dad
dad sez now the law is over
and inside the monster is a rotted geezer
they find a book on him with photos from the 20th century
now the klan is open to new ideas and will go past the law areas
and might find someone who can read the book
then geezer gives a narration even though hes dead about how he was a scientist and there was a nucular war that f'd da world
the radiation caused animals to turn into dinosaurs somehow
and made murtants
him and his fellow scientists were protected by radiation suits and got to live forever
the survivors set a list of laws to keep people safe
when the sceintists tried to contact the humans, their radiation iced em
hes the last one and radiation is gone
then narrator sez thjis happened long ago and men met other men and made machines and guns
it happened many times
and if it happens again, will we survive the next one?
or will it be... the end???
the end
that was pretty good
not too long
only a bit over an hour
decent acting
interesting lesson
good twist at the end
why does the future always have dinosaurs?
look at contra hard corps
also; the whole "past setting with monsters is really the future" is later done in vampire hunter D
this seemed to influence a lot of cr-p that came later
I liked it
its not boring
its not annoying
its clean and mostly wholesome
no gore or secks or swearing
its also kind of like that theory where the flintstones is actually the future after a nucular war
was this b4 the flintstones?
chex wikipeeda; yes
but this was pretty good
I liked it
for teenage caveman 2 I want them to find a computer in a bunker with a lot of movies on it and a bunch of cr-ppy reviews made by some internet nut who cant spell and mentions b0ning non stop. as they are the only thing that survived da war, the cavemen think its how it really is and they take the reviews seriously. leading to many funny moments of quoting the reviews as the movie plays on this huge a55 screen in the bunker. its a comedy where them getting it wrong is funny. also they wonder about the cr-ppy sequel ideas the reviewer has and why they didn't make those films, so they make em themselfes. its also an 8 bit nes, sega master system Gameboy, game gear and Atari lynx game where u play as cavemen making movies like the bad ideas the reviewer had.

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