Sunday, December 5, 2021

Flash Gordon Review

 Note: I spell as scientiffically accurate as this movie is

flash gordon

this is my review of flash gordon from 1980

Its based on a comnic or w/e and I hear the author of The Very Hungry Caterpillar Eric Carle liked it as it had pretty girls

I never saw this but did like the 90s cartoon of Flash Gordon, whgich my dad jokingly cazlled Flesh Gordon, which as a 90s kid; i thought he was being silly, but in the 21st century; found out was the name of the p0rn0 ver

Unlike this; flesh gordon got a sequel; flesh gvordon and the cosmic cheerleaders

which might have been followeed by; the space sodomites, the galactic gaylordsx and the black hole butt pirates(Note; these are non caNON)

Its directal by Mike Hodges who did the 1971 get carter, the terminal man, morons from pouter space, and black rainbow, which sound like p0rn0es

it stars Sam J. Jones from 10, Max VonSyndow from Demoplition Man I mean Judge Dredd, Topol from Fiddler on the Roof, Timothy Dalton from The Lion In The Winter, Brian Blessed frfom Star Wars ep 001, Richard O'Brien from Dungeons & Dragons, Philip Stone from Clockwork Orange, John Hallam from The Charge of the Light Brigade, John Morton and John Hollis from star wars ep 005, Williamn hootkins from Valentino, Robbie Coltrane aND George Harris from Harry Potter, Deep Roy from thjose Tim Burton things, Kenny Baker from star wars andf Malcom dixon from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory

this didn't do well but has a cult following and has music by queen

it was the reason we got star wars as george lucas couldnt do flash gordon so he did his own thing

like how nintendo couldnt get popeye so they made donkey kong

its by Dino De Laurentiis so you know its gonna entertain

so after logoswith varying ascpet ratios we get some spaced guys lkooiking at earth and causing earthwquakles and other disasters with their demon tech

then tital and the queen song flash gordon toi crtedits and comic book things

the aliens kleep doign disasters and hot hail falls as a blonde guy reads the paper in his car and this chick parks by him and goes in a plane

he gets in and its in proper fullscreen now without nthe black bars ewwating half the screen

sh-t fallsa from the sky and steams in da water and blonde is flash gordon whos a bada55 football star

he chats with chick andshes a travel agent who dont like planes so he coimforts her

then the sky is blacked opver with red clouds amnd in his lab; topol sees the hot sh-t and sez its parts of moon rocks

he and hootkins wanna go up and fight the space monkeys as on ther polane; something smashes into iot and flash has to fly it to save em

it goes down by topols lab and meet topol who sez its like an eclipse blacking out the sun

flash, looking like jerry o connol, has a shirt with his name on it and topol sez they have 11 days til the moon hits da urtth and f's em

toloppulls a gun on them and tells flash to go but flasgh fights back and in the chaos control the rocket is turned on and goes up

the rocket looks like a man thing and they black out in spoace and they sonic Drift 2 a vortex and land on this dbz looking world

they get caught by these metal men weho zap em with a stun ray and bring em to this base and topol; sez the poeple are oppressed and need to be lead to frfeedom

1 escaping green thing is zapped and vanishes so it must be a teleport ray that beams him to a dunbgeon

so ming comes out and therse winged guys bring in an ice jewel but threse green guys say its theirs to give and they nearly fight

thius metal guy looking like sigma from mega man x stops em and beardo wingo is less egar toi stop

1 guy pledges only his loyalty and is told to seppuku but he turns his blade on ming and is frozen with a beamand shanked by ming wiith his own blade

flash sez ming is psycho and a hoverbot outs him and he's bvrought forth as this gold bikinbi chick is noticed by f g

topol trys to make peace but ming dont care and and has the chick take n for his pleasure, so flash fights the guardsand is camply beat up, before going football kung fu on theirt candya55es

beardo wingo takes a few shots at the red guards and i notice there the symbol on their things like the seal or oricalcos from yugioh

man that was stoopid, i love it

so they take down adobe flash and mings gold bikini daughter likes him and wants ming to spare him, but mings goonna public execute him

so 1 guy is chained up with a metal spike box on his head and no shirt like some kinda SM Yugioh thig and refuised his last meal

he's given until an hourglass goes and its falling up

SM dude was flash and he's taken to be executedin this chair in mini shorts like mai shiranui wears in the snes ver

i gotta say; i love the colors in here

It actually haS some life to it

so they strap him in and gas him with ytellow fumes as chick faints but ming jr has him saved by a nerd froim hisd cxoffin and revvve  him with a shot

she gives him new clothes and trys toi get him ot but he wants to ave his plasnbewt/friends

they see topol gonna get mind b0nned  as ming ttells topol  he tests his tech on planets and its tseen as natural disasters


topol is mind enslaved by ming and flash and ming jr gfo out in a pofd

ming goes to b0ne chick but finds its his slasve anbsd chick switched clothes with her and sneaks around

She takes out a guard to get his lazer and takes out other guasrds as i guess theres no security cams

wait; there is and thery track her and send topol who sdhe meets and ytells about flash being aliive and having esacaped to some place

the goons tell ming as they can hear what topol hears and he sends his goons and on this jungle planet; this dad and son have this initiation where he puts his hand in a tree like its dune, but gets bit

he wants to be spared the msadness so the execute him and ming jr comes out and smooches the head green guy

she sez she gotta get back b4 shes missed and sjhows flash who head green guy lets live only cuz ming jr sez she wont b0ne him anymore if he kills him

sop topol is free of mind control somehow and flkying with chick on a hovoir cxycle like robotech and back at the base; ming jr is bering tied up and whipped to find where flash is

she wont tell so they bring the boreworms (is this wehere splatterhouse got it from?) but shje sez shes a prioncess

ming comes in and sez tyo continue torture and then we see flash in a swaMP IN a cage with some guys and 1 swipes the cage key

so they get the confession like itys the ussr and ming wants her to live sohe can make her pay by marrying her off to the sigma guy

so the wing guys are carrying the chick and topol to this sky city and beardo is revealed to be against ming but is planning his time  and topol sez gordon is alive and greed leader is aiding him

flash gets out and in this armory or w/e, oh ttemple and is caught and has to deal with the dune thing

he has to catch this thing in the stump and catch it or wait, just not get bit

he does this a few times but when its green leaders turn; he sez flash has to keep going

thenm flash runs and fall in the swamp pit and goes under but crawls out on a vine, only to be eaten by a plant thing, but green leader xaps it andf it blwosa

did they cut like haldf the scenes in this or something?! I'm watching this on comet at1 am

then the birdmen come in and bring him to their sky city where he sz he has the right by mings law to have trial by combat

topol and chick are taken aroudn and topol sez they got not ong until the moon hits eearh nlike majoras mask

she reunites weioth flash but flash has to battle green leader with whips on a platform over a pit

they fight and flash gets whipped but this isnt flesh gordon so its not sm

flasdh whips back andf the platform tilts and then spikes come from da floor

flash gets the ewdge and whips him but then gets whipped and c hick sez she loves him but they only got 14 hours to save da urth

they fgiht anbd flash is gonna get hsi head spikewd but greeno falls and flash saves him

flash sez if he dies to team up with birdo and save i mean fight m,ing andflash teaches him how to shake hands

man a lot of ghuys are in speedos and sm leather gear

its like masters of the universe the movie

then gold sigma comes in aND SEZ TOPOL WILL BE ICED AND that ming jr outed him

so he slugs hima nd teams up with flash to beaty his a55, then shank him on the spike floor

beardo birdo b--ches about his kingdom being b0ned but greeno sez nows a time to team up

then mings ship comes over and i gotta say; the bird people seem like the wizard of oz movie, but that was hjaldf a century b4

topol and chick are on mings shiop and ming blkats the sky sanctury and gordon gets to a hover thiung liker the bioroids used in robotech season 2 and escapes

so on the surface; in the jungle; the beardo birdo is with his crewww bummed his side got f'd and flash calls him and sez hes ok and ming has topol, chick and greeno

so ming jr and chick are in the same bedroom dungeon and cat fight but stop and ming jr sez she sees her dad is bad now after being tortured

chick tyeaches ming jr about keeping your word, wich ming 1 nevewr does

then trash gordon comes on a hovercycle ands the guards dont tell minmg as hes having his weeding and they fire on him

he escapoes and this huge a55 ship is sent ouit and lasders at him but a birdman army is hiding in the cloude

btw the city  looks like meetropolis from 27 and the ship is actual mattert on film and looks great

the ship goes after gordon in the cloiuds but the birrdmen from shining force attack and  many are shot down

the cvommander of the ship has bad teeth like the guy from maad masgaziner and in the battle the birdoees put something on the ship

1 birdo is hit that gordon carss for and be goes in and so does beardo AND  they kick a55

gordo saves that 1 wingmAN HE cares for as doizens get iced and thery go in and blow through the shi  and take out its drivers

so ming is gonna marry chick and topol and greeno are gonna be exectured

ming jr gets free and frees gree=no and topol and greeno and ming jr get along and go different ways

flash and birdmen have the ship but theres 3 mins left to save da urth and turn on mings radio to hear an electtric guitar wedding song

so this defence choick has all weaponms fire at the ship and sez its celebrations and flash wants to kamikazi the ship intoi th thing to save his planet as it needs to be steered

topol comes in the security room and greeno and him take out the defence chick and the peeons ruinning it

greeno goes rambo and topol trys to reactivate the barrier and weaponsd

mings gonna marry chick and has comic vows even though chick dont consent

what is this? the princess bride?

greeno commandoes his way to the base thinmg and takes out thge barrier, which star wars ep 6 ripped off, and gordon plows into the castkle and its nose spoike skewers ming through his womb

gordo gets a gold sword and is gonna maKE HIM SPARE EARTH  BUT MING STINS HIM WITH A RING

BUT HE'S LOW OPN KKI ASND USES THE RING ON HIMSELF AND vanishes in a rainbow biubble glow

the robot sez gordon saved earth and the heroes go up as they are now rulers of this thingand they can live in peace

gordon smoocxhes chick whjo sez shes a sovierrt new york girl and here is too quiet and the birdmen spell thatnks and flash in the air

then its wifdescreen and a hand picks up mings ring and we hear mings laugh (was ming who george lkuicas ripped off for the emperor in star wars?)

the end ?

then credits to 80s music

that wwas great

good cheesy 80s fun

but a bit 70s

clean enpough for kids but cool enough for adults

its entertaining and fun and has heart

its not charles dickens, but its worthy of watching

i'm glad i finally saw it

yeah its got soem bikini girls, but the guys wear much less than them

babes for girls and guys

For Flash Gordon 2 I want the guy who grabbed the ring to be a bak up clone of ming who was ready in wait as his back up plan and he lays waste to the people cleebrating. Flash gets away and the bearded bird guy sez they only have 1 chgance; an ancient item said to grant high power to anyone purte of heart. As ming could not use it; he had it hidden in his base and flash and his droogs gotta find it and sneak around the dungeon to stop ming 2 before be awakens his full power and destroys the planet. also its a 16 bit sega genesis, snes, tg16, atari jaguar and gba game where you play as up to 4 players and it works kinda like bomberman to sneak around and take out the foes to get to the deepest part of the castle.

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