Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter Review

 Note: I spell better than the frenchies but not at human level

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

This is my review on Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter from the distant future year of 2001 (30 years before Transformers Battlestarsa The Return Of Convoy)

Its directed by Lee Demarbre who does weird cr-p

It stars no one I know of and they ain't even on soviet candy a55 back door wikipedia

I saw this on Scream in the 00s but it went tom Dusk and other things. Its a horror network that gave free at Halloween timres

so after a logo we get sounds of people talking of Sin and The Savior and guys holding signs saying Jesus will return soon

Then this beardo looking like Rasputin in a suit comes out and says how your life is like a house with the foundation being childhood and trying to reach the top floor

I often have dreams of my 90s home and grandmas place and going up stairs and the floor being not safe and having bathrooms I wanna shower in and huge centipedes around

So Rasputin Jr like Cell Jr, Goku Jr and Garlic Jr sez ur not alone and Jesus is with us and reads the Bible saying so

we go in the house and get title AND CREdits

some of these characters and actors sound like its p0rn0

aalso its in color and looks like it was filmed on a camcorder and is in proper full screen

then its night and this vampire gets this chick but the vampire is also a chick

vamp chick is out in the day and wears shades as this is a real vampire movie and sun phobia is made up for the 20s movie with Count Orlock by Max Schrech

she calls on a 90s cellphone and asks where the lesbians went and then in elsewhere, a priest runs as a punk reads the paper that says theres not enough lesbians

what is this? reddit?

Go Nagai does a lot of that, just watch Cutey Honey

so the punk is also a priest and wants to help the chicks and they decide to bring in the one Man who can save it

punk priest rides a scooter in a helmet that has a place for his mohawk and then we see them going to the beachwhere what looks like Jesus is baptising an albino looking chick

It IS Him andthey need His help to beat the bad guys but He says He needs to finish building The Kingdom

then this Sand castle He was making is stepped on by goth chicks and They kung fu fight

He sends the proests to bless the lake but as they kneel, the goth chicks bite em

He throws em in the water and they spazz out and bite it but the Priests got it too

So He rides a scooter with a helmet and the Bible Book Names are whispered and He gets a haircut and ear ring

Spoiler: Tattoos and piercings are against The Bible. Its not good to deface your bodies made in His Image

Then he walks through town and sings in a really dubbed over thing but the people think He's tricking em

So He shoews His hands and dances and heals people with chicks in 70s outfits dancing around

The people ditch but a Proiest comes by andThey go to a Church Apartment

So They go to a restaurant and priest tells how people who helped ppeople in need vanished and The Church didn't help some cuz of their lifestyle choices

Sounds canon as Jesus helped sinners the pharasies shuned to get over their sins

Jesus thinks the vanishing chicks is connected to the vamps walking in daylight and gives Him money from the Curch Collection as "Its His anyway"

\So He gets wood for stakes and a car stops by with malcontent athiets comibg out and trying sto sto Him

a buncha punks come out of the car and attack but He beats em to techno ish music

If He is real, then athiesm is wrong, bt I guess l;ike scientists, THEY don't want the TRUTH out!

So more athiests swarm out of the car like clowns and get beat out like its no budget Streets of Rage

Some cool moves and shotsthough

Another few come anmd He beats through em  like WWF so this Bojutsu guy comes out wth a staff anda shaved head but no visible swastika tattoos, but is dressed like a buddhjist

after he's beat out, the main athiests attack andare quickly stopped so He leaves with the wood for stakes

He walks down the street in sneaers and electronic musicplaying

At this rom He goes in is a woman with a gun and he fights her bu she says "I'm on Your Side Rabbi" and works for Mary Magnum

They take a sauna in towels and she rubs His shoulders and says she works for another sect and uses a laptop in the sauna to talk about how vampirism is an infection and is too chaotic to science rioght

also the sensitivity to light is as photons are a particle and a wave and she is looking for a scientist who might help in pathology

Also she gets Him a new outfit to go un notced even though in soviet canada all these turban gajin walk around like its the 3rd world in dress

the chick has salt and pepper shakerws and 1 is a toilet and He tries on vvbarious outfits to music

This feels like its a 70s or 80d film in camera work and filming

the chick walks up the stairs with a look at her butt but wait its another chick and its the vampre from b4 asking about johnny and how she needs to see him

store guy sez hes in the hospital doing tests and after paying the store guy who talks like a p-mp or 00s guy, the Heroes follow the vanmp chick on a scooter after her car

at the hospital she goes in and the door walks and He goes in a sewer saying "If I'm nt back in 5 mins, call the Pope" but she follows in the vets with a butt shot like DBGT and Pan

They see this creepy dr reading The Bible andoperating on a chickand pulling off her skin and playing with it as he goes on about using svience instead of Religion to do things

Also he grafts skin on vampirers to let em walk in daylight with drugs and we see open organs and its bada55

the vamps neeed a lot of blood to recover from the treatment and mr golgotha comes in mentkioning he b0ned or j-rked off and dr sez the chick hes cutting up is under post mortum stress disprder

vamp chick comes by and her name is maxine schreck and main chick has intewrest in her but Jesus sez shes bad

dr sez they need another lesbian for skinning and the baddz go out as the HEROes sneak out the vents andslowly jog

They follow the baddz to the lesbian drop in center and this lady sees the chic feeding on a room of dead queer chicks and stands there screaming like a mongool loid

the good Giys come in and the vampires confront em and golgatha sez "close ur eyes" to play a game and punches Him when He does while saying "You're It"

then a chase through this 1970s style building to the roof and a fight breaksd out

The chick gets easily beat and bit and He is beat on by golgatha which makes this seem like an Anme

she still isn't dead despite a neck bite and fights on but is beat out and fed on again

He is beat out and we get Rasputin Jr saying "When you live in the house long enough, you'll realize, "who is my neighbor" " then He lumbers in the night and a priest leaves Him as He asks for help

Same with a cop but a blonde comes by with a dog and it might be a hermaphroditre and helps Him at his place

In bed the hermaphordite aids Him and its a thing on tHe Good Samaritan and can relate to being an outsider and cleans His wounds

So later He makes stakes by sharpening dead tree things and at a restaurant is given ice cream and cgerries that talks to Him and its actually The Lord saying to find a wrestler to help

So He gores to this air port and I'm surpirzed the movie had the budget to get a plane

this luchador and a blonde guy come out and the luchador is in a mask like destro from G I Joe

theb paparazi asks a lot of comments and  he seems like a dubbed in anime thing or Kaiju film

He likes the luchador and luchadors manager comes in which luchador sez to look out for or he'd have Him wrestling midgets in boardertowns

They drive and luchador is a good Christian and they go to the clothes plac and askabout where golgotha is

clothes guydont care so luchador holds him to the table and sez johnny golgatha and his max shchreck are at some place but somethings gonna happen later

clothes guy tries fighting but is taken down and later dr puts a body in a car in a junkyard

at the Dominion tavern, this blind leper comedianwith devolved teeth like a frenchie or brit sings scat but not scatting as he sings on the floor

Jesus and luchador come to the club and luchador confesses his sin of lust but is forgiven as he was watching 2 chicks making ouit

leper mumbles and sez to applaud for The Savior and He comes up and does a spoken word thing but sees only luchador and a blonde have reflections so he throws a drumstick into a guy and starts wasting vamps with stakes and drumsticks and luchador joins in

leper feels a guys mouth for fangs and shanks him and Jesus breathes on a va,p with a flashback showing a garlic heavy hot dog and luchador throws toothpicks a darks into vamps

luchador sez this chick won him over and another chick blows glitter in his face

in the bathroom He fights a vamp ad uses a plunger to skewer another and johnny golgathatakes this chick

When He gets back everyones gone so He gets a haircut and gets ready and Mary calls Him  on a statue and gives advice He already knows

Then main chick comes over an when He opens the door, theres vamps with her and they fight Him

He nearly shankes her but johnny golgatha stops Him and sez they have the luchadoor and need Him to come with em or the luchador is done

Rasputin Jr looks in thre  medicine cabinet and sez "Physician, heal thyself" and there a lot of good Bible refs in here in a sily way

the vamps take Him to a jump yard and the luchador and his mintion blonde are there and the vamps knock Him out and when He wakes up, is tied to 2 cars

this guyb I think is a priest who turned cuz both The Right and wrong offer resurrection and eternal life but the vam,ps is more "fun" and johnny golgatha sez "sacrifice is Your Thing?" but He sez "My death as never the end of the story"

He asks why lesbians and johnny sez "they're deviants and no one would miss em" but He replies "nothing deviant about love"

even interspecies? look at Robotech! Humans and aliens! or Animaniacs! The Warners and humans!

So the cars drive to rip Him in 2 but Luchador breaks outta chains, which I think he could do b4, and breaks the vamp chicks back, then frees Him

After much waiting, He fights the ex priest I think and jgnnt and luchador fights a chick

main chick comes by on a mototcycle like its Go Nagai or Hoktuo No Ken and knocks around Him

So did they replace her skin?

So luchador knocks her overand  tThey fiht various luchador or WWF style fight

a reporter and camera crew film and broadcast the fight and say its Jesus and watching on TV is the dr who is visited by Jesus who says "I'm everywhere"

in the junkyard He gets windshield wipers and makes a Cross and the 2 wwf chicks beat on luchadror

johnny golgatha grabs the Cross and fights on and in the hospital, dr pulls out some intestines and fights with em even though its not very damaging

he ties up Jesus's arms with the guts and they fight and after getting out, the dr pulls out kidneys as boxing gloves and face punches

He cuts the kidney cord and wait its the throwat of the dr and heals himsaying "Not even this seperates you from My love"

luchador shanks and takes ooff the heads of the WWF chicks and dr eats some guts and fight on

is this like Goku giving Cell a Senzu Bean?

So johnny glgatha gets Him in a back to back lock ad maybe priest shanks Him with a stake

the sun goes dark and He takes the stake out and Light shines out and burns the vamps away but luchador covers someone with a coat saying "No"

so chick is dead and luchador wants Him to heal the chick luchador likes

after a cpeech He sez to remove her mask and shes healed of vampirism and she was the one luchador didnt want cooked

He heals the chick with a kiss and chick wants maxine schreck healed as she's gay for her

So He heals the main vamp chick maxine schreck andcures her of vampirism but not gayness as they start making out

luchadors woman claims to be bi so she's halfway there and Rasputin Jr sez love covers sins and goes ob for a bit

The He sez to the peopel to make up their own minds and follow His teachings and its the message not the messenger that matters

someone gets a cellphone call and its His and He sez to J P (the Pope?) He's busy and to the people that He's the part of the people that feels bad when you dont give someone in need money

then an upbeat 80s song everybody get l=id tonight and the people party

luchador goes back to mexico with his half queer gf and  this thicc blonde a55 egts felt up by I think Him, which is not canon

the end

that was nuts

sily zany but cool and fun

its got good style and the acting and is kinda cheesy but for something as weird as this, it fits

the music is good and the credits have bloopers in em

no Imma strong Crhristian who even eats Kosher, so you'd think this might "offend" me

but I read a lot of weird a55 Go Nagai manga and he's done far worse

this is more lighthearted and has no hate or anger to The Lord

Its all in good fun with a few good Bible messages and refs

its not like family guy hating on The Church or believers

Its pro Christian with some weir d gore and violence and lesbianism

like Go Nagai

its ridiculous and you canyt tale it srs

i enjoyed it and I'm glad I saw it all the way through

it holds up and it got good reviews from various things

For Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter 2 I want the athiests to team up with vampires as both hate The Lord and use the news to make vampires and demon worshipper slook like victims of the "evil" christians, so He comes back and beats through em and the Luchador and the ex vamp and main chick have returned and are buffer and thiccer and help beat through em to get to the leader of the main mecia network and show his evil by holdign him in a truth lock that makes him admit he's evil. Also its a 16 bit beat em up on Sega Genesis, Snes, TG16, Atari Jaguar and GBA where you play as up to 4 layers and beat throguh athiests and vampites and cyberized people with demon tech and turn people into demon slaves by getting it installed in em by getting em to think its "cool" or trendy and after beating the evil outta em, they turn good.