Wednesday, August 31, 2016

The Craft Review

note; I has no plans on imporoving my spellings
the craft
tiis is my review on the craft
as a kid I often got it mixed with the crow
only 2-3 letters off
both came out in the mid 90s
after seeing both I can tell em apart
as I never saw either in da 90z
it starts with some teens doing a black magic ritual
just like yugioh
then we gets a barrage of occult imagery and the tital
ooh, neve cambell is in this
and skeet untcich
im not familiar with them
then we get this 90s teen moving in to a new home and she sees a snake on the way there
I like the 90s look sound and feel of this
its like my youth
then a homeless guy comes in and offers her a snake
the dad chases him out
how random
later she is going to school but don't have a uniforme yet
I think its a catholic school
the black magic teens walk through the halls and guys fear em
they seem goth
they talk about having "a fourth"
as in air fire water earth
or north south east west
then theres French class
I always hated French class
my teacher was a butthole
also the school is in LA and the kids would rather learn mexican
the new girl makes a pen spin on its tip on her desk with black magic
the goths want her as their fourth
contra 4 was awesome
as was phantasy star 4
later this 90s guy(named chris) talks to the new gril
he warns her about the goths
1 is a sl-t
one is covered in burn scars(which isn't bad)(scars are cool)
and theyre witches
then chris goes to footfall practice
as the new girl watches football, the goths come to her and make friends
the neve cambell has personal hate for him
I think they b0ned and she was bad in bed
ohhhh
the new girl moved here cuz she slit her wrists
emo!!
and she seemed so normal
she and the goths go to a magic shop
but not like in pee wees big adventure
the burn girl tries to get the new girl to shoplift
the magic shop lady knows her ring is from her mom and the new girl buys stuff
on the way home the homeless guy followes her saying he dreamed of her
but a car kills him
the chix run but they said they made it happen
the goths say that they worship a force called "manon"
they describe it as "if God and the devil were playing football, its the stadium"
they obviously have no perception on God
as does the writer apparently
God isn't the devil's rival
this like saying the green goblin is stan lee's rival
and marvel comics is the stadium they fight in
also; this force they worship seems a lot like that thing in star trek
later chris and the new girl are on a roof and talking about her head being big or something
he likes her head
ive heard of foot fetish
but
head fetish?!?!
later the goths say chris said he liked other chix and b0ned em
wait
he said he b0ned the new girl
later, at the school pool, the sl-t doesn't dive despite standing on the board for a while
when she does dive, this pretty blonde yells SHARK and she flopps
later she jokes about the sl-ts hair
and jokes she don't like blacks
nowadays that would be depicted as worse and the girl would have viet nam flashbacks or mental attacks
later the burn girl gets skin treatment
I think they're tattooing her burned skin
but it hurts
then the new girl has dreams of cutting herself and maybe drinking it
then the neve cambell comes home to her trailer and smokes as her drunk inbred hick rents argue
later the girls take a bus to the beach
on the bus are some blonde kids
its like me in the 90s
but I was like 9 when this came out
and playing sega genesis
spider man vs the kingpin
btw, they go to the woods, not the beach
they have some weird rituals with a dagger
then mix their blood in a chalice and drink it
you gon get aids!
they ask for things b4 chugging the blood
the sl-t asks to not hate (esp the blonde)
the new girl asks to not hate chris
the burn girl asks for beauty
the neve cambell asks for the power of manon
then butterflies come down and hang with em
the next day chris is gay for the new girl
hes addicted to her
this is like something the chicks from sailor moon or wedding peach would fight
screwing with hearts
well, this is the 90s.
imagine if they had the craft vs sailor moon
wait
hes her slave
er the chix are having a slumber party
they play "light as a feather, stiff as a board"
they chant the games name and lift her up to float like a foot in da air
they they remove their fingers from herand she's floating
this is going dbz!
then the mom comes in and she falls
we then get a 90s motage of the girls
then the new girl pulls a hair from the blonde and ties it in the sl-t's hair
the new girl sez her current mom is new and her real momk bit it giving birth
also the burn girl asks for manon to take her scars
I should note that "ma" in Japanese can mean both magical and demon and evil depending on how its spelled
later the blonde is swimming and her hair starts coming out
that's awful
a girl's hair is her individuality and expression
to steal it is like taking someones skin and eyes and clothes
wedding peach is extremely angry with you!
then the burn girl's skin fully heals as the damaged skin comes clean off leaving good skin
later the burn girl comes in showing her healed arms for once(which might be censored in some countries)
at night the neve cambells dad is playing around and sez he's not her real dad
his woman pushes him too far and he snaps
then the microwave burtts and the guy bites it
turns out right b4 he bit it, he signed a huge insurance policy
and the mom/ neve cambell get 175 000 $
she moves into a penthouse and her mom blows cash on a jokebox that only plays connie francis
also the neve cambell discovers illusion magic
they use it and change their hair and eye color with it
1 girl wants a smaller a55
but most guys like huge butts
look at all those rappers
then its 3 am and chris comes by the new girls place and is obsessed and addicted to her
they goes to the magic shop  undo the spell but they say magic cant be undone
then they say magic isn't good or bad but both like nature
I've played Dungeons and Dragons and those rules she said are a big load of CR-P
she also says whatever you do, comes back 3x
so if I cast 1 fireball, 3 fireballs attack me?
no one would be a mage if that were true!
then they buy a high level book and go to the beach
the new girl sez when she cut herself she saw bugs/snakes
the neve cambell sez;the serpent is a powerful thing
reminds me of that leather bikini sorceress from slayers "naga the serpent"
she was like the 1.5th best magic user in the show
they then have a black magic/hippie ritual and lightning zaps em
speaking of D&D...
worst D&D idea; everyone gets "virtuous feat Chastity" and all the enemies are succubus, incubus and tentacle monsters.
the next day they wake up and neve cambell is walking on water(using 90s cgi)
then they see dead fish on the beach and for some reason the cops were called
neve cambell goes cheerfully mental
the new girl feels bad about screwing with chris's heart
she also says the burn girl is getting full of herself
and the neve cambell is paranoid
as they drive the gils use their black magic to turn the traffic lights green
it almost kills people
in the shower the blonde's hair is still going and she's really upset
ironic that one girl improves her looks while the other ruins someone elses
but both are bad guys
the new girl finally goes out with chris but when she talks to him he just agrees with her
he gets more touchy feely and she leaves
then he tries b0ning her
but she fights him off and runs to the sl-t's place
the girls talk and its revealed theres a party
so the neve cambell goes there
she brings the chris to a room and tries to seduce him
its implied they b0ned b4
but he turns her down
so she turns into the new girl with well done 90s cgi right infront of him
despite seing her change, he doesn't get it and they b0ne
the other chix come there
the new girl comes in on them b0ning and she turns back
he realizes shes a wich but don't believe he only feels that way cuz of a love spell
he accuses the neve Campbell of being jealous and she goes on a feminist tirade and kills him while freaking out
the new girl thinks he wasn't such a bad guy deep down and uses a spell to stop the neve cambell
but is tormented by then in her dreams and at school
she wants to leave the gang but the girls say if she does she better skip town
the neve Campbell sez in the past if a witch betrayed her gang they'd ice her
just like with gangs, the mob and unions
she  goes to the majik sjop lady for help who brings her to a pentagram room
she is told she has a strong light inside her and her mom was a witch
to win she must surrender to a higher power
sounds like AA
they start a ritual but a fireball hits the store and she books it home
no ones there and she gets a call saying her rents went back to san fran sisko
also the plane broke up and iced everyone
this is why I don't use planes
a car breaks you can wak
a boat breaks you can swim
a plane breaks you bit it
she then sees cgi snakes and bugs everywhere
how queer
I dreamed of bugs in my home last night
then the illusion stops and the neve Campbell busts in lolling at her
the chix are gonna ice her and make it look like suicide
they use illusion magic to make her see bleeding wrist scars and a fake note
she runs upstairs and when the neve cambpell sends the other 2 chicks upstairs she's casting a spell
the burn girl has fredy Krueger skin and the sl-t has hair stuff
they run out and the new girl invokes manon
her wrists heal and pictures turn into moving sky with 90s cgi
the neve Campbell comes up and the new girl sez that manon(refered to as a male He) saved her
he wants to punish neve cam,bell for abusing her power
then neve cambers skin and hair turn to garter snakes and bugs come out her a55 and down her jeans using 90s cgi
then it ends
she sea sorry but the new girl starts using a spell to stop her
neve cambell freaks out and attacks but it fails
this is pretty good horror
neve cambpell gets kicked into a mirror(not inside it. it shatters) and the new girl finishes the spell
the next day the burn and the sl-t return and say the plane thing was an illusion and theyre sorry
they question her powers as they walk away but the new girl uses her power to cause lightning and wind to nearly ice em
meanwhile neve cambell is strapped to a bed and in a nut house
wait
I think neve cambell and the burn girl were switched
as in I called them the wrong names
im not sure
the credits roll with a song that would fit the crow
the end
that was good
as a 90s kid I feel nostalgia from it
for the craft 2 I'd like for the girl in the nut house at the end to have gotten pregnant from b0ning chris and her kid has super magic powers from being conceived in a uterus in a body full of magic. also the blonde has become a wutch hunter and used holy things to break the spell on her. she goes around from place to place icing witches with holy weapons and holy armor. also shes a female bodybuilder and wears little to show off her huge bulky muscles which she uses to rip witches in half with her bare hands. then in the craft 3 I'd like for the kid of the nuthouse girl to try to destory the world as its actually manon who manipulated the girls into filling up on magic and b0ning outside of marriage so it could come into our world. its revealed that manon is an ancient demon who wants the souls of all humans. and only the magic resistant blonde with an immunity to it can save us.by hunting it down and icing everyone helping it by punching holes in em and the black magic oozes out. this is also a sega genesis and snes 16 bit beat em up with player 1 as the blonde and player 2 as an angel sent to help her save the world

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