Thursday, September 29, 2016

Troy Review

note; just got a new computer and the keboard is kinda bad
this is my review on troy (2004 version)
as a 90s kid I heard this story a lot on tv
I think there was an ep of "mythic warriors: guardians of the legend" about it
that was a good show
nd several student bodies actors were in it
or were they from degrassi?
maybe sailor moon
also my dad read me the Iliad from his collection of classic's illustrated comic books
and of course Hercules and xena
although I hAvent read the book in years\
it starts with text that sez achillies int happy with kig agganenmon
and king is trying to take over or something
we get some narration basically sayng; in 100 years what will this matter?
then we get some solders lining up and 2 chariots meet
2 geezers talk and decide instead of a war, they'd have their best man each fight
this big hairless buff gay comes up but achilies there
aw gay its brad pitt as achilies!
he talks with a kid and the kid sez achilies mom was a goddess
the kid sez he wouldn't wanna fight the big guy
brad pitt sez that's why no one will remember him
brad coms back and the king isn't on good terms with him
so brad fights the big buff guy
he kills him in 1 hit
the geezer gives brad a ruler item for his king but brad sez "hes not my king"
then a king of Sparta has a dinner with paris(the torjan)
its a peace meeting with troy and Sparta
is that erich bana??
is that olando bloom?
paris comes upstairs and talks to this blonde
its revealed they've been b0ning all week
she tries to not b0ne him but gets nude and they b0ne
we don't see her huge nipples
after they b0ne shes worried about her man killing both of em
al she don't wanna lose him as hes going home soon
what about the goddesses?
wasnt this b0nig started cuz a goddess made her love paris?
later bloom and bana are boating home and he reveals he took the blonde
also when bloom started telling bana about it he said
last time you talked like this you stole fathers horse
I assume he was b0ning the horse too
bana argues with bloom but lets him keep her
then he Sparta king tells aganemnon about his woman getting swiped by troy
the aganemnon uses this as an excuse to attack troy as he wanted to b4
but he needs brad pitt to do it
brad pit has a sword fight with a younger male
but its with wood swords
Odysseus comes by to get brad to join em in fighting the Trojans
also the younger male is brads cousin\
brad talks to his mom
she sez if he don't go he gets a happy life and a good family
but if he goes to troy hes gon get iced ad become a legend
btw, all these blonde greeks have obviously dyed hair
I didn't know they had blonde dye in bible times
so brad goes to troy
at troy, Orlando bloom and helen and erich bana rach home and go to their dads place
they all kiss to greet each other as theyre European
also blooms cousin chose to be a shrine virgin to their sun god
shuldnt she have swastikas on her robes? for sun worship?
bana wants his dad to make bloom return helen
but the dad (king priam/optimus prime) sez their sungod will protect em
at night bloom suggests them running away
helen sez Sparta king would wack everyone to get her back
the next day we get a shot that makes troy look like a bad n64 game
later the war bell rings and a battle starts at the beach
on the way thee, brad pitt(in a rather saint seiya style armor) breaks rank and goes in on his own with his 50 men
he has his cousin stay on the boat as he don't want him to fight
we then get a semi saving private ryan style battle
the greeks link shields and use it as a barrier from arrows
after some sword melee more greeks arrive\
1 big buff long haired greek guy comes in and busts em
he looks like a level boss in a beat em up
brad pitt epically f's them up and they win
brad pit sez for them to loot the place but a soldier sez the sun god sees everything
its a temple to him
so brad pit slices off a gold statues head
more Trojans arrive but he is levels beyond them
he goes into the temple and when they follow they get ambushed
brad talks to hector and brad wants to fight in public in an epic battle
also brads men iced the defenceless priests
brad is so arrogant here
and he don't care for those he kills or their famlies
hector returns home and brad talks to the big buff long hair (revealed to be ajax)
btw, I don't think this happened in the real version
bana's cousin was captured and maybe b0ned by the greeks
bad pit is shown as innocent of icing priests and claims hes seen the gods
also he doesn't mo lest her
later brad pit goes to see agenemnon who is pomicing eating in troy tomorrow
hes cocky
\he sez brad didn't win but he did as hes a king
in America we don't have kings
these people are more like the brits
then he has banas cousin brought in and I gonna b0ne her
theres some arguing and the cousin sez she don't want anyone to die for her
later the tojans are having a meeting about the war
hector(erich bana) disagrees with the omens of the high priest's fortellings
as a superstitious man(with superstitious grandma's) I say if theres a sign, its best to follow
also hes disenfranchised by seeing brad bit attack his sungod statue and not getting iced by the sungod
but he don't know achilies is part god
lke Hercules, castor, pollux, perseus and other heroes made into yugioh cards
at night the Trojans talk about their worries for the coming battle
the next day brad pit is malcontent over the king being an a55
hes disgruntled about all the men he killed waiting for him in h-ll
brad pitt goes to h-ll, the final Friday
so brad pits cousin goes instead
Orlando bloom has a 1 on 1 fight with the greek side
I just realized that the greeks using achilies is like in yugioh how kaiba had a god card
athough nowadays we have cards that an counter it or exceed its atk
bloom and bana meet agenemnon and the Sparta king (oh and the geezer from b4)
aganenon wants troy to work for him and to surrender helen
bana tell him to f off
bloom wants to face the Sparta king over helen
aganemnon don't accept but Sparta king gets him to
time for a boss battle!
Orlando fights an in even battle and isn't as big or strong as the Spartan
he is kinda f'd up
tag out!
he runs away like a candy a55
 don't recall this from the books
hes gonna ice Orlando bloom but erich bana wastes the Spartan
the greeks attack and bloom runs home with his cut up leg
but goes back to get the holy sword
they get in and the sides fight
ajax fights hector and is a monster like the guy n 300
but hector wins
the sniper archers are picking off greeks easy and eventually the greeks retreat
hector sez to send an emissary to the greeks to let them know to collect the fallen
but a guy asks, would they do the same for us?
this make s the trojans look like the good guys
but we all know what happens
maybe its like with ww1 and the brits winning?
at night Orlando and helen talk about him being a candy a55 and she tries to cheer him up
agenenmon argues with his advisors over them needing to be there as the Sparta bit it
bt he wants t stay to save face
the cousin of hector is getting roughed up and almost branded by greeks
I assume they were gang b0ning her in the real version
was she in the real version?
but brad pit saves her
they talk about soldiers and war
also bad challenges her faith in her pagan gods
he sez their gods envy humans over their live term limits
I'm not sure that's how it works Bradley
who wrote this?
maybe the guys who made that noah movie with russel crow
that was all kinds of screwed up
I mean its well made but the story is all wrong
what next?
lincon eating the slaves??
later the cousin has brad at knife point and is gonna ice him
but they b0ne instead
the next day brad pit gets ready to leave and a guy gets him to stay and fight
he also gives good advice
brad pits cousin dnt want him to go and wants to fight
also hector wants to stay defensive a its the logical choice
but the kings advisor wants them to attack
so they attack
also brad pit b0nes hectors cousin again
but the Trojans attack
they set small fires and roll yarn balls at em so they get burned and crushed and things explode
this is turning into a ww1 film with its looks
the next day they greeks and trojans fight
but the fight stops as hector fights achillies
and hector wastes him
but its really achilies's cousin in achilies's armor
then the sides leave
in the book hector cut holes in the cousin and dragged him around in is chariot
brad pit is p-ssed that his men went into battle against his orders
but the men thought the cousin was him
he flips out and chokes the messenger and hectors cousin
I assume he was violently b0ning them in the real version
later hector tells his woman of a secret way out of the city
he sez if he bites it and falls, the greeks will waste the men, splatter the babies and use the chicks as butt slaves
sounds like the soviets in ww2
the next day achilies and hector suit up and go to a battle
hectors cousin ties to stop achillies from icing hector
hector says bye to his fam and woman and child and goes out to face his rival
hector asks for a pact for the loser to get a decent burial
achillies tells him to f off and hes gonna butcher him
they fight
its pretty even
but rad pit gets a few hits
hector winds up shanked in the shoulder with a spear part and shived in the chest with a blade
then brad pit tied up erich bana and drags him around on his chariot
w/o hector doing it 1st it kina f'd up the motive
at least hes not b0ning the corpse
he brings it back and the hector cousin is unhappy
what a d-ck
at night king priam sneaks into achillies tent
he wants his son
brad pit sez "he killed my cousin" but king priam sez; how many have you killed?
brad pit sees himself as some kind of ubermench just cuz hes 1/2 god
priam tries to reason with him
and somehow it worked
he gives back the body and the cousin he b0ned
then sez sorry for hurting her
Agamemnon is disgruntled over Achilles promising 12 days of peace to priam
later the greeks are leaving and they left a huge wood horse
Orlando bloom wants to burn it
the advisor wants it as a gift to the gods
they bring it in
a guy sees  greek ships nearby in a hidden zone
but falls off his horse and is KO'd
out of the horse the greeks come out and open the gates and slay he guards
then more greeks come in and waste everyone
the also torch the place
achillies spares people for having kids and lets em out
doesn't he get iced by paris in the heel?
Orlando bloom gives his holy sword to a guy and sez
as long as its in the hands of a Trojan, they have a future
then goes off to fight
1 Trojan sez
the boatman waits for us, make him wait longer
like that line in 300
tonight! we dine! in h-ll!
the king priam bits it
gammenmn catches the cousin and wants her as a slave
but she shanks him
soldiers catch her but achillies saves her
then Orlando bloom fires a buncha arrows into brad pitt as the cousn tries to stop him
1 in the heel
it don't explain why that's what gets him
in the real story he was dipped in magic fluid and was held by the heel to lower him in
the fluid gave him invincibility
they cut the whole "influence of pagan gods" parts
despite it being the main force of he story
its like cutting God out of the 10 commandments
it takes away the driving force of the story
odssyeus sez their story will live on
that wont do much good for em in h-ll
oh and some trojans escape
the end
that movie wasn't bad
good fight scenes
but they cut the gods!
its like star wars w/o the force
ooh, peter o'toole was in this
he was the priam and was good in it
better than Lawrence of arabia
for troy 2 i' like for the king to have survived by making a demon pact and is now super strong and has black ki attacks. but the people of troy have been going around lace to place outside the greek powers and making allies with the eastern Europeans like Poland and Ukraine. they gather enough allies to wage a counter attack to bring down the greeks. but the greeks have been experimenting with black magic and have fused their soldiers into double soldiers; 2 people in 1 with 4 legs, 4 arms and have 2x the size of a real man. so they pray and get angels to help hem and its an epic dbz/ Robotech battle of angels and poles vs double soldiers and greeks. also the sword of troy has a magic power that lets the user go god mode and raises their power to their opponent power + 1.

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