note; I didn't sprell well for the seven samurai. why would I do it for this?
house of wax
this is my review on house of wax(the 2000s one)
the 1st time I saw this was Halloween years ago
I liked it
and paris hilton kept her clothes on
plus it has Elisha Cuthbert from popular mechanics for kids
he film starts with a pot of boiling wax in 1974
a wax mask is made these 2 kids are eating breakfast with their rents
1 kid is going mental and has to be strapped in
nowadays they'd make the kid look like the victim
they duct tape him to the chair and hen he attacks his mom she b--chslaps him
then get the title
ears later these chicks (1 of em is paris H)talk about their future
the main girls bf sez
2 drunk rednecks are wrestling in the mens room
paris H sez; theres no rednecks in new York
they were guys b0ning!!
then paris Hilton goes t see her bf
the black guy
as this is a horror mvie, don't et attached to em
the other 28 year old teens record film on a miniicam and talk
one records paris Hilton making out with the black guy
yet this time paris Hilton doesn't like being recorded with a guy
they are on a roadtrip
later they're driving and the road is closed
so they detour
they notice paris Hilton sucking her big black guy bf's thing as he drives
we don't see the thing or her mouth
in Urotsukidoji 2; legend of the demon womb, the car hit turbulence and she bit it off
I wonder what vincent price would think
they take the road to a place with no one
Elisha Cuthbert sez the black guy's parents wont let him marry her
she isn't into marrying
elicha reveals her bro is always blaming others for his mistakes
he jacked a car, resisted arrest, was kicked off the football team, got kicked out and cant keep a job
but its never HIS fault
maybe if everyone hates your bad choices then everyone isn't to blame
her bro is the "bad boy"
paris is the "lusty blonde"
Elisha is the hero
her bf is the love interest
the black guy is the black guy
and the camera guy is the comic relief
suddenly they notice a foul stink
they drink beer
then a big bada55 car comes u
it stays there with its lights on
so the bro throw a beer bottle and busts a light
he eventually leaves
at night we get the p o v of a guy looking at em sleeping
if this were Urotsukidoji...
Elisha is akemi
her bro is nikki
her bf is nagumo
paris H is megumi
the black guy is takeaki
and the cam guy is kuroko
Elisha goes out to see who it is but its just her bf
btw, its implied she b0ned him previously
if sailor moon were a horror movie
serena would be the gf
lita would be the jock
raye would be the black guy
darien would be the bf
amy would be the virgin
and mina would be the lusty blonde
well
they kinda already are
the next day its 2 30 pm and they wake up
after taking a big greasy dump, Elisha notices the stink and with paris H they go follow it
wtf
paris plays paige
like in degrassi next gen
Elisha falls into a foul filth cesspool and notices a human arm sticking straight up in it
is this a fetish video?
why does everyone know I have a slob fetish?!
I mean THINK I have one
yes
think
the gang comes by an this inbred guy in a pick up truck comes by and dumps a rotting dead deer
the hand is from a mannequin
they need car help as their car was sabotaged while they slept
the bf decides to go with the inbred guy
the bro takes off his wife beater and gives it to his sister
she takes off her filth covered top and we see her in a bra from behind
and Elisha goes with her bf
the inbed guy is friendly but has roadkill in his car and it stinks!!
shows them his big a55 knife and jams it in the dashboard
hes not trying to be scary
just a bit bimbo'y
they get to small rive and he stops to change his truck to 4 wheels
they are creeped out by his inbred feel and leave him
hes offended they didn't like him after his inbred friendliness
Elisha ad bf get to town but no ones there
she gets a call from paris saying they're heading back to the campsite as theres too much traffic
they check he church and its a funeral
the guy there like jon stamos is unhappy but sez he'd help em later
so they decide to check out the house of wax
the house is made of dried wax
what if its a hot day?
where'd they get all the wax to make this?
theres no one in he house of wax
but theres newspaper articles of the wax sculptor
the bf uses a lighter on some thing
they see a dog but its real
the bf plays the pianos
also everything in he house is made by Vincent
what a subtle rnod
they notice the chairs used on the kids in he beginning
someone looking in the house who instantly books it
I gotta say tis is actually pretty cool
good horror and creepy vibe
as she looks around her bf knocks on the window and she turns facefirst into a deformed wax man
she freaks out, knocks it over and is p-ssed at him for startling her
later the cam guy and the bro are having a p-ssing contest
one of em sez he's gonna get the elisha and bf
the Elisha and the bf talk about he bro and the jon stamos guy comes in
he sez he has the car part at his place
jon stamos guy sez the Vincent's dad was a dr who lost his liescence or doing surgery on the side
his wife went mental and bit it
\so he ate his gun
the kids were sent to foster holmes (the cousin of john holmes)
at night the bro and cam guy are going to the town but its not on the GPS
later the bf goes in this place and elsha notices the truck there is the one that stood infront of em(bsted light)
the bf gets captured
he stumbles around and is stabbed up by a guy in a wax mask
kinda llke michael myers in Halloween (rob zombie versions)
elsha cals pars but shes b0ing her bf or w/e so she don't hear
the jon stamos guy confronts Elisha but she tries to get away in the truck
it gets stuck so she gets the cigarette lghte and escapes
oh and its night
the cam guy talks with the bro about him getting with his sister
bro sez no
the mask guy cuts off the bf's clothes and injects him with a fluid(liquid HIV?)
HE SEWS UP HIS KNIfe wounds and starts waxing him
\like
hair wax
the bf is still alive btw
mask guy lies up a bunch of needles of wax and starts coating the bf in hot wax with a sprinkler system
Elisha goes to the church but everyoes just a wax people
the music is on tape
someone come in and she hides
he reveals one of the wax people is his mom
he finds her under the priest's robes but she runs
he catches her
meanwhile the bf and bro come to the stream and walk
Elisha is caught and strapped/taped t a chair
the bf and bro come by and he tells her not to scream or he gon shank her
oh its cam guy and bro
not bf
the bro tries to buy a drink but theres no one in the store
in fact the area not visible is rotted
the jon stamos guy glues her lips shut and goes to the guys
this is actually pretty good horror
I like it
he tells the bro he aint seen anyone
Elisha breaks the holding thing and reaches her finger up the grate
so jon stamos guy clips it off with pliers
she rips the glue open and cries out
they har her and fight
after keeping out the guy, the bro saves her
the Elisha ties her gushing finger stump
meanwhile the camguy(who looks fatter and kinda like andy samburg) finds the bf
he a wax man
but hes not dead
then his face starts coming apart!
this is bada55
the the mask guy tries to wack him but slices open the bf's face
he lops off the cam guy's head
this is bad a55
the effects are pretty good too
the bro and Elisha try the phone but it don't work
they try asking a town citizen for help but shes wax
everyone in the town used to be a real person
but they were mutilated into a wax man
this is f'd up
btw, we hasn't seen paris Hilton in a while
I wonder what she's up to?
oh, shes making out with her black guy bf
then starts getting undressed
as does he
shes only in her undies
which I prefer since nudity is gross
then his boom box turns off and he goes to check it out
he gets the voice mail from Elisha
paris goes to bed to sleep but then a guy comes in
its the mask guy
she runs out and finds her bf with a blade in his neck
she runs wearing only a robe and red undies like la blue girl
she hides in a metal building
she finds a buncha cellphones and gets a metal pole she breaks of a pipe
then a blade gets her in the foot
theres a guy under the floor
she escapes to a car and hides
no dialogue
just horror
the yellowy stained lighting reminds me of the crow city of anels
the mask guy finds her car but she poles his face and runs
he throws the pole through her head and she is help up at an angle
no cgi either
good effects
man
she didn't do much in here
meanwhile the bf breaks into a crossbow store
the bad guy finds em and opens fire
they hide in a theater watching whatever happened to baby jane
good foreshadowing
they hide In the audience of waxmen and he checks em
he blows one wax head off but the bro crossbow's him
they go t the lobby and he wacks he bad guy with a crossbow
they check his corpse and leave
the bro wants to leave but the gf wants to save their friends
they check the truck for the cell phone
then check the house of wax
god suspence
good eerie lights and settings
they find a newspaper thing of Siamese twins separated
1 has a deformed face
then the jon stamos guy comes in having recovered from being killed earlier
he puls the arrow outta his arm
good effects
why didn't they bust his bead hen they had the chance?
the the mask guy comes back with paris hilton and the black guy
he dog from b4 is his
the jon stamos guy yells at the mask guy for going out w/o him
the mask guy is more calm and peaceful
he heats up a spoon and smooths out his mask
he looks kinda like tommy wiseau
Elisha is going up stairs but her bro grabs her from behind and covers her mouth
they go to the basement and its dark
so they flip the switches hoping it'll turn on the lights
I makes the town turn on and off
then they turn on a light
they find the cam guy coated in wax
when bro tries to free him the head comes off(like in dumb and dumber with the bird)
mask guy(Vincent) comes in and fights bro
so he dumps flaming wax and the place starts burning down and melting
they run and she finds her bf
then jon stamos and bro fight
boss time!!
the house made of wax starts falling apart
bro is losing so he hits the boss's weakpoint(arrow chest thing) and dominates
then Elisha (who did nothing until now)beats his a55 with a bat
Vincent comes in and sees his busted bro
he cries out and goes after Elisha
bro is too beat p to stop him and has a knife in his thigh
how'd they make tis place anyway?
does someone have a wax fetish?
Vincent cuts through a wax melting wall and the cut slices a wax figure of the Siamese tins apart
turns out the jon stamos brother was the violent one
thus the reference to baby jane
she sez Vincent isn't a freak and hes an artist
the jon stamos guy used him for evil
the wax people melt into skeletons
its pretty bada55
Vincent fights the bro and after leaving for a bit, Elisha saves him
she pulls the blade outta bro's leg and shanks Vincent
he falls through the floor and on top of jon stamos
just like their position when they were Siamese twins
this is pretty good
what kinda candy a55 hated this film?
I mean yeah its not the original birth of a nation or he cabinet of dr caligari
u for a horror film, its pretty bada55
the house melts and it looks pretty good
its hard to tell whats cg or not
they mush though he walls and the house goes down
the next day the cops arrive and say since the sugar mill went down the town ended
if it wernt for he smoke and fire, they wouldn't've found it
they leave in an ambulance
then they reveal hat the dr didn't have 2 sons
he had 3!!!
as hey leave town the inbred uy waves to the bro and Elisha
wtf Robert zemekis did this
and chad Michael murrey was the bro
the credits roll as some 2000s song plays
the end
I liked dat
it was cool
good twists and turns
good effects
good action
good horror
I mean its not metropolis or dr mabuse
but its still a good horror film
for house of wax 2 i'd like for the inbred guy to have revived the Siamese twins as one body as the wax house melting on them was a ritual set up to fuse em. the inbred guy is actually an autistic super genius and had this planned from the start. but the good soul of Vincent malreacts to the evil one of his bro and the body keeps trying to rupture. to keep it together, the inbred guy uses metal weldings to bolt the body together with a metal exoskeleton. as the body is 2 bodies, its 2x as big as a normal man and has 4x the strength. the inbred guy uses him to go rom town to town tearing people apart and using their bodies to make flesh golem minions to take over. but Vincent's soul eventually overcomes it and turns on the flesh golem army and the inbred guy(who has equipped more body parts to him for added power)(like equipping more muscles onto his boy for more power)
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