Saturday, October 8, 2016

The Unknown Review

note;my keypord is cr-p and keys often don't register
the unknown
this is my review on the unknown(1927)
its from director tod browning and stars lon chaney, joan(crawl up my a55) Crawford and the midget from freaks
also norman Kerry
todd browning is like the 20s and 30s tim burton
he made weird a55 films with mostly the same cast and similar cr-p
lon chaney was is johnny depp
they even have the same initals
Tim Burton
Tod Browning
\tim brton is like tod brwnng if he grew up watching films inspired by tod browning films(like the hammer horrors)
btw, this film is based on a true story
a guy hid in a circus to evade the cops
the f'd up parts were made by tod
also, when tod browning was young, he ran away and joined the circus
it screwed him up for life
I don't usually review silent films but this one ive seen a few times and its not long or complex
ooh, its set in Madrid spain
so at a gypsy circus the owner presents ALONZO THE ARMLESS
lon chaney
he alays plays handicapped people
deaf, amputee, paraplegic, birth defects, mental challenges, commie
hes usually the baddest dude in there
and the main guy/bad guy
in his act as Alonzo he shoots a rifle and throws knives at skimpy dressed joan Crawford
also norman keyyy is the strong man\
joan is malcontent cuz guys keep using their arms to hold her
now shes afraid of man arms
sounds like something from maury povich
she likes Alonzo cuz he has no arms
amputee fetish!
but normal Kerry likes her
\oh the midget here is NOT the guy from freaks
I was thinking of the unholy 3(which sounds like a p0rn0)
oh and Alonzo likes joan Crawford
norman Kerry tries holding joa crawlfords hand but she freaks out
in anger she sez (to Alonzo he armless) she wishes men wouldn't have arms
he takes it well
the midget gives her a cloak but the circus ownr/joans dad tells her to get home and beats up Alonzo
Alonzo uses his legs to fight back
but noman Kerry saves him
imagine if he started b0ning the Alonzo
to thank him, Alonzo tells norman Kerry to take her in his arms to win her over
that's triggering!!
tumbler would go mental over that
in fact I can see tumbler going on a gee haad over this film
nrman Kerry holds her but she has a mental attack\
he midget undresses Alonzo(too hot for tv) and its revealed he HAS arms under his girdle
but he also has a 3rd thumb
its like 2 thumbs fused on 1 hand
hes hiding in the circus as a armless guy to evade the cops
later almozo and the midget are confronted by he circus owner
he finds out Alonzo has arms and Alonzo strangles him
\joan crawlford sees it and the fused thumb but not the killers face
the next day the gypsies burn clothes to try to keep him outta h-ll
the cops know the killer is killing people near circus stops so they take finger prints
Alonzo trolls em asking if they want his fingerprints
also Alonzo plays guitar with his feet
he'd be a youtube star if around today
the circus leaves but lon chney and joan crawlford stay behind
thy live with the midget and the strongman\
this is like Seinfeld
norman Kerry gives her flowers and sez he loves her
but she fights off a hug
lon chaney uses this as a way to get closer to her
she hugs Alonzo and leaves(oh and a kiss)
the midget sez if she does it again she might feel he has arms
didn't think that through eh Alonzo?
you wanna b0ne her but she cant feel u
she can do
OTHER things
(jerry springer noises)
she starts liking norman Kerry and he starts winning her over
even though Alonzo's plan was to drive em apart
he sez some loving hopeful words
aka the opposite of tumbler
that moved my heart
meanwhile Alonzo wants to marry her
but if she finds he has arms she'd know he wasted her dad
only ANYTHING was meant to be capital
I'm not rewriting it\
man lon chaney is good at insane faces
\a master of silent flms
later he blackmails a dr to do surgery on him after hours
he knew the dr 20 years ago
I bet they had a crazy past
hat would be a good prequel
mabe they b0ned a lo of people together
Alonzo lft a letter to be sent if he bites it during surgery saying who the dr REALLY is
meanwhile nrman Kerry and joan Crawford grow closer\
ses overcome her arm phobia
after he surgery he needs a few weeks to recover
joan crawlford and norman Kerry decide to wait to marry as they ant Alonzo here
later Alonzo comes back and so is the midget
they drink wine
lon chaney uses his feet
to do this they used a real armless guy under him
later lon chaney cmes to see joan crawlford and she smooches him
after a hug she asks if he was sick as hes THINNER
the get is gone cuz he b0ned him dead offscreen
joan sez now they can get married
lon chaney is happy until she calls norman Kerry
\they hug and he holds her arms
shes in love with him
and no longer fears arms
ad ts all cuz of aonzo's advice
he breaks don and has a freak out
theres no sound but u can tell hes both loling and crying
this is delicious
he gets p-ssed hearing ts his advice that cased it
then he cries out and falls to is knees
that's the best art of the film
the rest is epilogue
nothing can top that
he lost his job, his woman, his minion, his arms, and its all his own fault
then they reveal their new act
norman Kerry has his arms tied to horses on hidden treadmills
it looks ike hes holding them as they try to run
but if anything gets f'd
hi arms might be torn off
this movie is f'd up
later they have their show with the horses
btw, norman Kerry ist as buff as you'd expect a strongman to be
hes not small
just normal
but he can still be strong
joan Crawford in a tight skimpy outfit whips the horses
is this a p0rn0?
lon chaney stops a tread and scares off the help with a knife
but joan crawlford jumps in to save noman Kerry
Alonzo tries to ave her but is stomped y the horse
then  he gos to h-ll for being a remorseless serial iller
and norman Kerry and joan Crawford live happily ever after
the end
that was a great film
one of lon chaney's best
the amputee is the bad guy
so is the midget
the straight white guy gets the girl and wins her over with hugs
everyones straight and white
she overcomes her mental illness
and the midget and amputee bite it
its the exact opposite of what tumbler commies want
oh and an amputee (or so e thinks) gets beat up
good thing those malcontent millennials don't watch silent films
no class
only candy a55
for the unknown 2 i'd like for a guy who's homie got waed by lon caney finds out about Alonzo's hiding in a circus and starts wasting everyone in it for being with a guy who harmed hm. eventually he gets to norman Kerry and joan crwfod hey have a buncha kids who are very sexy and strong having got the best of their parents. the kids ue their circus skills to combine into a human giant that is made of kids linking together and working in unison to move as 1. having absorbed the souls of his victims the killer grows to giant size and takes on this human gestalt. also its a sega genesis and super Nintendo game that's a 2 layer fighting game with various characters added to the game so theres more that 2 fighters the size of a mammoth

No comments:

Post a Comment