Wednesday, January 9, 2019
The Wizard Review
note; sonic is better than Mario! somehow this makes me spell bad
this is my review on the wizard from 1989
its got fred savage, Christian slater and the debut of tobey McGuire
its directed by todd Holland who did a buncha Malcom in the middle eps
its also got beau bridges
its often bashed for being a feature length video game commercial
but batman beyond was made to sell toys and was really good
so it starts with this kid walking on a road with a lunch box
a plane spots him and tells a car where he is
the car is then in front of the plane somehow and is at the kid
that don't add up
the cop gets out and gets the kid who sez he wants to go to CALIFORNIA!! and cop drives in the same direction the kid was walking
that don't add up
also they were standing in the car for several hours as the sky is orange now and was blue in the previous shot
then a shrink sez the kid hasn't seen his real dad or brorthers in a while
and da kid keeps wandering off
shrink sez he's traumatized and new dad wants to put him in a home
btw they don't say it in the film
but hes got autism
they didn't want it seen as ripping off rain man
later baoh bridges with his kids fred savage and cristin slater are having a cr-ppy meal
slater took the car w/o consent as he was somehow gonna keep kid from being sent to a home or something
the 2 are unrelated
savage goes mental and storms off over it
slater tries to help but savage sez slater don't care and storms off
later savage throws darts at a board and goes off with a backpack and skateboard to 80s music
he sneaks into the nut house (which is unlocked and unguarded) and easily gets his auristic kid bro out
they hide in a hostess truck and t drives down the mad max wasteland road
after all the kids parents get together at the nut house and 1 says "he was seen getting in a truck"
there was no one there!
and if he was, why didn't the witness do anything?!
was it an inmate looking out the window!?
if so, why would they believe him?!
this story has more holes than my a55!!
new dad hired a mercenary or w/e to bring back the kid
mercenary tells baoh and slater not to stop him from bringing back his kids so mercenary will get paid for bringing em in
later savage and kid get utta da car and kid wanders off so sabvage chases him
then theres a montage of them going somewhere
then its getting dark and they're at a rock thing with a roaring fire and a coyote houls
then cut to them I a town the next day
if this movie had a video game, there'd be a dog fight level
at an arcade he plays the nes double dragon which doesn't make sense as the nes ver was a port
savage talks to a guy for like 30 seconds and when he gets baxck kid has scored 50 000 on double dragon
also a girl notices em
she follows em to a basement and sez she noticed them fearing a cop and savage sez kids kicks a55 at double dragon
a Nintendo movie said a55
and its the wonder years kid saying it
she don't buy it and he bets her ticket she's wrong
she makes it to level 3 on double dragon and kid plays more of level 3 and kicks a55
but hey miss the bus
meanwhile dad and boo bridges drive to get da kids
also baoh reads a map while driving and nearly crashes into another car
then kid is kicking a55 as ninja gaiden
but not the arcade ninja gaiden released in the public areas
the nes home version
girl sez the kids a wizard
and wants to use him to win a video game contest so she gets a piece of the prize
then mercenary sees bouh and slaters car and stabs their tires
so baoh takes a shovel to mercenarys car
as mercenary drives off buoh throus his shovel
good role model for kids
meanwhile the trio is in a ruck next to a live cow getting a lift
also girl sez her mom was a showgirl who had great legs and she inherited her legs
they sold the bus ticket and pooled their cash
then the rednecks driving the truck find em and get em out
is this gonna be like in deliverance??
yu got a perdy mouth!!
meanwhile buu and slater are at a car shop and slater is playing Mario 2 usa
later the trio got a lift rom the side of the road but somehow used all their money
guess they got a game over and continued
like in Castlevania II simons quest with the hearts
that means the red necks b0ned em dead
also girl knows savage saved 4$ from b4 as she counted when he showed his money
maybe she's got some autism too
savage sez to some guys his bro could beat em at an arcade game
then cut to em walkin away saying they snaked em
good role model for the kids
swindling strangers outta cash
they spend the night in a dump in a f'd out car
girl keeps saying tall tales of being a bada55
she sez she's never scared so savage puts on a skull mask I didnt know was around in da 80s and she slugs him
what a b--ch
shes kinda like Bulma from dragon ball
the next day she plans to triple their nearly 50$ on the way to the contest
and she got magazines to teach kid tricks in games
but he's already super expert
its like giving batman frisbee mags to teach him to throw batarangs!
then they see a biker gang and get a lift to 80s music
but the gang has helmets in kid size
it turns into a montage of them hitch hiking
good lesson for the kids
remember in degrassi high when wheels went to live with his birth dad and hitchhiked?
this gay guy picked him up and tried to b0ne him!
imagine if they edited scenes from degrassi into this!!
as the trio is in a pickup truck it whizzes by mercenary who dont notice em
later the trio gyps these 80s teens outta cash after a driving game I don't recognize as I grew up with a sega genesis
1 kid sez kid cant beat lucas
lucas is this bada55 who's basically kaiba from Yugioh
hes got all 97 nes games available in America at that time
and knows them all
also his last name is barton like trowa in Gundam wing
he then uses the power glove and kicks a55 at rad racer to 80s music
spoiler; the power glove s-cked!
he handicapped himself using it and still won
instead of facing lucas, kid walks out for no reason
and lucas hits on girl and sez hes headed for the championships
then its night and slater and bouh have a father/son moment in bed
then slater goes to the pickup truck and ets a Nintendo outta the back where anyone could steal it
he plays tnmt 1 on nes and then cut to him sleeping and boh is playin it and nearly beat level 3 and got the scrolls
then kid s building something outta blocks and it offends savage for some reason who knocks it over
savage sez kid lost 1 game and he can overcome it
how'd he lose?!
he didn't even face him!!
by that logic piccolo lost to vegeta!
the film tries to have a soft moment and girl sez kid is jealous of her as savage is all kid has
shes gonna book it but the teens they gypped are after em in a pickup truck like in forest gump
they want the cash back and kids lunch box opens up with photos
its revealed kid's twin sister bit it in a river and that traumatized kid into autism
I hear twins bond is deep
once you take twins outta the womb, they scream
but put em together and cuddle
memories from their creation to birth
and kid saw the twin bite it
and slater was supposed to be watching em
and kid is actually his half brother
man that's actually sad
these guys got damage
now sabage is quitting and they go off
but kid says he don't wanna quit and they reunite
mercenary is spotted by bou and slater and bouh plows his car into mercenarys car
mercenary sez he'd sue and dad sez mercenary makes money off kids and should be shot
them rams his car 2x more
but baohs car busts
oh and he yells chicken sh-t!!
this was rated pg
then its night and trio goes to vegas or w/e
at a casino girl yells advice at a dice game and it helps this trucker
how'd she know?
maybe she has autism
they get kicked out for using kids to bet but keep the cash
well, she does
the trucker gets 10$
then girl calls the Nintendo helpline and gets advice for Castlevania II
then an 80s montage f kid playing various nes games at an arcade and girl calling that 1 900 number
later mercenary is on da phone with mom and sees abobobo and slater park
he pays a toe truck to do something
slater recognizes kid's hat on a teen who took back his cash and gets it back
lucas is there and tells em the kid is going to L A
then toe trucvk takes their truck
why is lucas still there if L A is 500 miles away?
they just said 500 miles
wasn't the thing in a few days?
and that was several days ago??
this movie has ore holes than my a55!
oh and mercenary knows the kids are going to the tournament
bobo and slater find their truck and its scrapped
mercenary gets to the casino and finds savage
a chick sez kid is in the arcade and they run to find him
mercenary gets kid but girl screams and sez he touched her breast
good role model for kids
the guards carry him out
then girl takes em to her real home
later bohmander is playing Zelda 1 and slater pulls the game out
what a c-cksucker!
someone did that to my game, i'd bite off his parts.
then girl admits her storys of her awesome life were all cr-p
and her mom was a gambling addict
and she wants the prize money to get a real house and not a trailer park
savage sez its like in Zelda how he has to find Zelda and girl needs to find a house
she finds it s-xist
only a feminist has that kinda twisted thinking
savage tries to smooch her but she don't wanna
then they smooch
later mercenary somehow knows girls full name and calls someone to track her down
next day mercenary finds her place and captures kid
girl gets her trucker homies to go stop mercenary by blocking the road with trucks
then 2 more trux come in
how'd they know where hes going?
and no one else would be there?
trucker who she helped with dice sez mercenary touched her brests and they beat the black off him offscreen
trucker takes em to universal studios for the video Armageddon tournament
the game is ninja gaiden
not gay den
and lucas is doing well in it
btw this movie was made when the sega genesis had come out
but Nintendo had 90% of the market
after sonic and sega's in yo face adds it got to over 50%
btw was this movie an inspiration for video and arcade top 10?
that show in soviet Canada ran for like 15 years on ytv
so the finalists are lucas, kid and a 3rd no one
so after 1 round of ninja gaiden hes in the finals??
then mom and new dad find mercenary and b--ch about him taking 9 days
then in 15 mins the tournament finals is gonna be a new game
lucas points out the kid to mercenary and theres a chase through universal studios theme park
also slater and badenov are there and follow
tour guide sez there they filmed mayhrem in montecarlo wher zsa zsa gabor and pee wee herman made it
trio walk over a metal connector between 2 carts o a moving vehicle
good role mode for kids
kids get off by king kong who universal sued Nintendo over donkey kong over and mercenary follows
they escape into a room and find they are right over the tournament
mercenary comes after em but the kids get in an elevator as time counts down to video Armageddon
the gates open up and kid is in there
the new game is revealed to be super Mario bros 3
when this movie was made there wasn't enough ROM chips to release all their games
so Nintendo turned super Mario 3 into a feature film to build hype
\I never had an NES but I did get the gba port of super mario Advance 4 and beat every level
I was never big on Mario
I like super Mario bros 01 which I played on my aunts nes in the 90s
I tried both japan and us Mario 2
us was kinda obnoxious with the later levels and japan was pretty insane hard
I eventually beat both
us on super Mario advance and jp on the gb color super Mario deluxe
Mario 3 I liked but Mario 4 super Mario world I didn't care for
you gotta hold down B to get any speed or momentum but that makes it hard to handle
plus having to keep going back to get Yoshi over and over if you take 1 hit
the moment Yoshi is touched he runs away like a maniac
straight off a cliff
I never had a snes but beat Mario world on the gba port
so the kids got 10 mins to get the most points
the fam gets there and watches kid kick a55 at Mario 3
also savage tells kid to find the warp
even though theres no way he'd now about that
kid gets iced and goes back
he keeps scrrweing up
also thre points aren't in game score
its a score based on how well they do
somehow kid finds the secret passage that hives him the flute warp
kid gets the star at the end of the level as time goes out and wins
lucas cant take it and pulls a gun and takes out the host then moves in on kid, who then grabs his arm, twists it toward Lucas's head and blows him out!
but that would be pretty f'd
so ten the fams drive back and kid has em stop by these dinosaur statues from pee wees big adventure
its the same ones
kid runs into one and goes to this curtain area
this place is the last place they were as a family
he wanted to put the photo's someplace where she was happy
also its implied mom gave blanka bridges custody of the kids
how do baku have a truck back?
it was chop shopped!
they drive off to 80s music
that was pretty good
nice 80s family movie
yeah it made no sense at times
but it had heart
they couldn't make this today
video games are all 17+ now
this was a reminder of an innocent time when kids had fun and rules were more lax
nowadays there'd be charges against half the characters for the sh-t they pulled
but this was a fun innocent positive light film and I enjoyed it
for the wizard 2 I want it to be the 90s and about the console war between sega and nintendo and the autistic kid needs to choose a side but struggles. also lucas has gotten into stimulants and caffeine injections to boost his skills and wants a rematch with the kid. also when the kid I asked which sstem he wants for Christmas he has a freak out and starts screaming and moaning.