The Alamo Review

 Note: I rememberr the bad spelling

The Alamo

This is my review on The Alamo the distant future year of 1960

its gotn John Wayne, Frankie Avalon (Like Sakura Avalon?), John Dierkes, Richard Boone from The Robe and a buncha others I don't know

I ssaw the 00s one with billy bob thorton or w/e but never saw this

huh, iit was directed by john wayne.

also i saw pee wees big adventure where he went there to find his bike

so after credits in color and widescreen and text sez in 1836 texas was under the oppression of the mexicos uinder sanda anna(not anna from yugioh zexal in a santa outfit)

so some americans meet and sam houston wants to knowe where jim bowie is

david bowies ancestor

so sam wants to build an army in texas and needs santa anna kept busy

also jim bowie is leading 100 men but is drunk now after saving a town

sam thinks bowie is good despite rumors hes a traitor for thre mexicos and gives bill travis charge

sam meets jethro who'sd a slave i think and had white hair since sam was a kid

maybe hes a highlander?

sam and men go and jethro goes to see bowie whos got a hangover

i keep thinking davey crocket weas the one who capped a sasquatch but really it was daniel boone

so the mexcioes have 7000 men coming and bowie thinks its suicide to stand against em at a busted Church

texans are making a fence and col travis orders something closed

a texas tells him theres thousands of mexicans coming and travids sez the info can't be confirmed and dismisses it

but in private sam sez he did that to keep the morale up by not letting the people know how bad things are

later i think frankie avalon and a geezer come by san antonio and send a signal

then comes john wayne as davey crocket and his homies and they be a cheerful bunch

wtf, i looked it up and found davey crocket DID meet as sasquatch which spoke to him in english and told him not to fight for texas

maybe it was a demon?

so at a cantina this guy sings about liking chicks and includes big ones and davey and dudes go there

travis is meets with davey and travis sez he dont drink and wants to make a speech about freedom to crockets men to get em to fight santa anna

so the texas guys don't have many rights under santa anna and are being oppessewd

btw, i hear americans can't own peoperty in mexico today

so is this where rtobotech got it from?

the invid oppressing earth and the sentinels planets?

so davey settles a dispute with a punching contest from tennesse where they take tuyrns slughging eachother out untril 1 goes down

of cource john wayne wins as hes a manly man

so john wayne sez they are gonna make a free land where people have a republic where you can do what ytou want without oppression

its a good speech

this is why texas is the most american state

not like soviet california or new sodom newe york

turns out davey came to texas to free it frominvid oppression instead  of just getting dfrunk and hunting

then a portuguese or itaslian looking chick dances on a table in high heels

later a mexican wait, i think hes texan, hits on the girl and confronts davey for being there

davey sez he prays to the north star, which is a form of the occult, and that guy who contronted davbvey, imma call him blonde, takes her up to his room

john confronts him after some comedy and she sez shes good and davey goes out and has a cigar

out there daVEY WATCHES blonde barters withthe chick to get back her land by marrying him but she thinks he's a55

no weinstein! she don't consdsent!

oh and blonde is in good witrh santa anna

davey comes in after blonde goos and offers to help her

she thinks he's just offering to help as he wants to b0ne her but knows he's still help geezers

he goes and a pack of mexuicanbs attacks him and he kicks a55

then bowie comes in and they kick a55 together

later bowie tells davey how brave and manly and cool Texas and Americas is

also Bowie has a wife and 2 kids he sent away

chick comes by and tells bowie of a lot of powder in a Church basement to use against santa anna

davey and friends go in and 1 guy accidentally rings a bell

in there is guns and powder and bell ringer nearly blows em all to h-ll with a torch

so santa annas men are coming and davey meets up with chick and has her write a letter fro himself to himself

so later bowie goes to the base and Davvey is with him andd some dudes

travis sez theres 1000 men coming and not to tell the men, wait, its reinforcements with em

travis bickers with bowie and davey and ho bowie canm take his men and leave if hes treated bad

sounds like atlas shrugged

so later davey has chick read santa annas letter, oh wait, its the one wayne had wrtote

its telling em not to help texas or they'ed be iced and the crockett boys are moved to fight him

then davey sez he wrote the letter and the men still wanna fight soviet mexcio

btw this was rated 16+ in finland and norway, 12+ in germanyu and 13+ in argentina and the phillipines

buncha candya55es can't handle manly a55 john wayne

wtf, this was banned in mexico

what next? brave heart and the patriot banned in soviet england?!

later davey talks about a big a55 TREE  and how epic it is

he talks about his life and how it wasn't worth much but now he can stand up for whats right even if the bad guys wanna oppress him

nowadasys the commies would want him censored for that

daveys gonna send her away to be safe and they havew a moment

later bowie and davey return to the base and 1 girl sez her bro malachi might be coming but was told he was hung

then the mexicans come and the base goes on guard

the mexicans have a truce flag and tell them to get out by order of the regent santa anna or they gon chopp em up

the Texans fire a cannon and later thte mexicans are gathering and its 4-5 days til reinforcements arrive

so a texas patrol comes back and sez the mexzcios drew a 14 foot long line in the sand

patrol sez santa anna has a big a55 cannon but travis sez its not real

then the cannon blows the wall and the texans return with their cannon

davey sends 15 men out after dark like ninjas and later the guard tyhey took out comes to and tells travis

davey and dudes take out the evemy cannon by dumping heavy mud in the cannon hole

they light it and it blows out and they open fire on the mexcianos and book it

then the texas guys come by for back up and they escape to the base

frankie got an arm hit and travis tells off bowie for going off base with men against orders

bowie is gonna leave and travis tells davey how they are there to buy time for Huston to build an army to stop santa anna

so dAVEY gets bowie drunk and in day time bowie stays after seeing frankie recovering

bowie slugs davey but they get along and have corn whiskey

later its night and bowie gets word from a letter that his owoman bit it from the plague

travis comes in and sez communication with the outside is forbidden and asks what bowie got and upon finding out, sez sorry

i think that whole thing was done in 1 take

pretty epic

wayne was a good directer

later they find the pig meat is tainted ands they have 3 days of food left

so at night the texans go out and russle up some cattle

1 guy grabs a mexican from behind and he gasps and falls

did he do the spock thing from star trek??

so davey gets a horse for frankie and he sends him off on a mission

in the day they have a minor atttack on the mexicans to draw their fire and lead the cattle in a rush through the town to the base

as the mexicans chase em the guys behind a strone wall open fire and take em out

at the base the men open fire and they use cannon shots to hold em off til the gate closes

now they got an a55load of cows with demon horns that would be censored in yugioh and the cows have nothing to eat but each other

then the regent santa anna comes and has an a55 load of mexicans

imagine if santa anna raises his hand and blows away part of the alamo with a ki blast, then john wayne teleports in and has a kung fu fight with him?

santa anna sends a minion to say he can take the women and children if they don't wanna be in the battle

travis consents and 1 guys wife wants to stay

the women say bye to their men and its kinda touching

1 guy can't leave his wife and his wife is blind but blind wife tells him to stay and fight and goes out

is the blind cchick driving the cart?!

so after the women and children leave the mexicans attack and theres a big battle

after the mexicans pullout the texansa nd mexicans go through the bodies and treat the wounded

the texans have respect for the mexicans for fighting hard and brave

bowie got his leg blown out and now santa anna isa gonna attack all sides at once

travis sez 500 men are coming when he sed 1000 b4

then word gets there that the rreinforcements ghot taken out in an ambush

davery and bopwie are gonna escape but travis gives a speech thanking them

bowie limps back and the texans choose to stand and fight like in 300

meanwhile frankie gets to sam huston and sam sez they can't save em

sam tells his men when they start to whine, to remember the sacrifice of ther texas heroes at the alamo

at night the guys talk and 1 guy is a deniar and 1 gives a speech about The Lord being good and things turning out right in the end

travis writes jethro a note to free him and tells him to escape

wait its bowie

and jethro chooses to fight with his former master

so the next day the mexicans gather and attack

bowies f'd and they bring him in the Chapel as he protests

the mexicans bring ladders and get battled off

eventually the mexicans get in and 1 on horse is thrown by john wayne

john wayne threw back a horse

so davey gets skewered by a bayonette and he brings in a torch to a room and blows the place

bowie fights to the end and takers out a buncha enemy soldiers

the wife and kids who stayed behind are caught by mexicans and it fades out

frankie arrives and finds the battle lost like how the invbid took over the planet after the fall of the army of ther southern cross in robotech

later the woman comes outta the smoking remains of the alamo with the kids and the mexicans let em go

we get a brave song of the alamo and she and the kids go off with frankie avalon

the end

that was quite good

an epic that shows americanism as good

its like 3 hours but dont feel it

kinda like the 10 commandments

i liked it and it holds up

the remake was more dark and bitter and grim and down

but this was upbeat even in the down parts

john wayne did pretty well in this and made it pretty good

for the alamo 2 i want it to be about santa anna being beat back by the united texans and out of desperation makes a pact with daemons to gain power. he gets a demon leg equipped on his stump and it is like roids and lets him fight faster and harder. but it needs to be fueled by blood so he ritual sacrifices his troops to be a 1 man army. also frankie avalons character comes back and goes on a quest to find a hole spear to fight agianst santa anna. its also a 16 bit castlevania like game on sega genesis snes atari jaguar, tg16 and gba where you play as frankie and go through levels to get jewels to unlock the temple with the holy item and the final boss fight is against santa anna who devolves into a grotesque abomination after beating him once.