Saturday, May 7, 2022

The Eagle Has Landed Review

Note: I spell not brittish

The Eagle Has Landed

This is my review on The Eagle Has Landed from the distant future year of 1976(30 years before Transformers Season 3 In America)

Its duirected by John Sturges who did Bad Day at Black Rock and the American version of The Magnifficant 7

It stars Michael Caine from Austrin Powers 3 and The Swarm, Donald Sutherland from Astro Boy and Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, Robert Duvall froom To Kill A MockingBird, Jenny Agutter fro Equus, Logan's Run and Darkman 01, Donald Pleasence from Halloween 1 2 4 5 6 and EsxcaPE FROIN nEW yORK, Anthony Quayle from Pygmalion and Lawrence of Arabia, Jean Marsh from Clopatra and Willow, Judy Geeson from Beerserk amnd The Plague Dogs, Treat Williams from Star Wars 05 and The Devil's Own, Siegfried Rauch from Patton, Michael Byrne from The Omen 1, Gangs of New York, The Sum of All Fears, and Harry Potter 07, Maurice Roevesfro The Last of the Mohiucans and Judge Dredd, Keith Buckley from Excalibur, and some silrent era born guys I never heard of

I never saw this b4 but heard its good

it starts with history news of bhow the brits caught Mussolini, the Italian Stallion, and so Zee Fuhrur made a plan to catchj his greatest enemy


Then credits and title over footage of mountains, casltesa and trees

btw this is in color and widescreen

so ythese german guys speaking english as this was made in soviet england meet and say zee fuhrer wants to catch churchill, who btw was into daemon worship and had racial issues

i read he was glad that America was allegedly nailed by Japan in Pearl Harbor as now he cpuld suck them inot his war

so the army guys complain about zee fuhrers plans but gotta do it

they plan do do something on the east coast of soviert england, who's been the bad guy frtom centuries with things like elizabetryhs crimes, henry 8ths murders, ruining oscar wilde, 1776,m 1812, war crim,es in ww1 and 2, being part of taking out Raspitin, charlies wacking diana, chales wacking his other women,daemon worshhip, not allowing that diasbled boy to get medican treatment in america, the royal wedding, the othert royal wedding, banning and censoring movies and shows for pointlewss things like a ninja turttle bopping a guy with sausages, and basically being a p o s candy a55 c-c sucker nation

So after looking at data and m,aps and sh-t we get trains gooing around in the snow and they get Micharl Caine as a german soldier who is very brittish and is told to stay on the train

theres hews on the trains, but 1 gets out and is caught, but when she's hit, caine hits the gut who hit her and puts her on a slow moving taain

shes then capped and caine sez hes commanding the 12th parachute division

he  has no issue for or against dad juden himself but cares for the cause and gets b--chy like he always does in all his films

btw, in addition to the 5.5 million hebvrews wgo got it, 11.5 million gentiles got it too

the mentally challengeds, physically disabled, gypsies, commies, unionites, traitors to the state, political enemies, and others

and aS i'M Piolish and have many disabled friends at my Yugioh torunaments, i am against that

so caine dont like some of the guys there and later duval is talking about Caine and his being hard to get but a higher up comes in and b--ches at him over how he thinks the mission isn't possiblem, but suval sez it is

duval is told to drop it and is told they probly lost the war, which reminds me of duivals relative Johgn Wilkes Booth taking out Lincon after the war

so duval meets devolved donald sutherland and hes an irtish, which means hes the bad guy, and smokes a soviet faeg but its too much for him

donald is in the i ra and hates england so duval offers him to catch the evil churchiill

imagine if they edited in pet semetary where they had the cat winston churchill aka church and made it look like they had it wacked for being evil?

so duval goes to meet some guy and finds caine is court martialled as he's nuts and threw aWAY his career over a hebrew chick and is in a prison colony

he was educated in soviet england so he'd be perfect for the job

So duval is given powers to do the job and has direct permission from zee fuhrur to do w/e he needs to do w/e he needs

then we get a boat then a plane and duval goes to some island and shows his papers to get out caine and his troops

he tells caine thewy are taking on the ewcil churchill and have a smoke despite the germans being against that

for years 1 guy i think donald was a 1st mate on a cargo ship in england

so caine is gonna be executed and has issues and dont wanna help zee fuhrer but this is hes chanced to live

it may not win the war but might make a negotiated peace and caine offers the mission to his men, even though he's the commander and should have dominance over them,

so later the gang goes and gets donald wjho's thropwn out the window of a bAR OR w//e anmd caine has all  his menbn on his side

then donald goes on a plane to soviet england to be parachuted ouiut the planes a55

so then we see the donald stopping by some chick's place for some tea as the english aremn't manly enough for pop

he uses his irishman daemon masgics tio command a dog with a point and a wehistle as i guess hes part lepreachaun

the chick likes zee fuhrer and his dicipline kinda like candya55 trudeau liking china and castro, and gibbes him a shot gun as i guess england doesnt own this part and theiir gunphobia didbn't devolve the people

then donald is out and with another chick and flirts with her  as she she goes in her chasriot and is almost 19, which is WAY too grown for most englishmen

so don goes to a bar and a big a55 irish tels him to stay away from chick 2 and don't wwant him around

So don goes tu churcgh and puts his shotgun down to tallk with the priest

later the germans are preparing for the koopa paratrooper mission, then we see donnie osdmand i mean southermand gooing arounbd oon his botorcycle and finding a whhole horse walking around

atta beach he meets chick 2 and sdmokes and talks about the zodiac how they can match

but what about the chinese zodiac? you don't wannna marry a dragon!

so he tells of the big irishj and she sez he dont own her anddonald hits on her

dont trust him! he's irish@

he starts b0ning her mouth with his mouth and she goos off aand sez she was told da irish were crazy and she believes em

you think they're bad, wait til you see the french! they flip out into tirades for no reason at the slightest hint!

if my son was dating a french guy, i'd chop 1 up and feed him to the other!

so she sez she'd be in the church and later, caine wants to weatr polish uniformes but will fight aas Germans and not spies

so going Samurai instead of Ninja?

so in the irishmanland, the donald hits on chick 2 and big irish comes in and they fight

donald beats the black irish offa him but as this isn't Eternal Champions, he doesn't finish him in a splatter gore mess

then we see some guys get in a blasck car and drive off, but then we see  caines germaans faking being Polish: The 1 true race, besides Japanese, who's the Other 1 true race

so in irelenand donald puts rocks on da beach and doing raDIO TO THE GWERMANSAS NEst and eagle

chick 2 goes to dons place and big irish is there and is gonna outdonald to the cops

after he shoves her a55 down 2x, he goes out and she blows a 3rd a55 in his back with the shotgun

she otta put it in his mouth and make sure hes not gonna talk!

so the paratrpp[pers comew inm the sea and tro the donalds place

don comes homew annd finds big irish on da floor

his body is ripped open and all his guts are out, but hes not dead yet and is masking devolved animal sounds


so duval reports to dr loomis that the eagleb has landed

in irelandmanland the germanioes fake being el polen zakken and 1 plays piano in the church and meets the preist

caine sez to priest he's doing some military exercises in the area

a real english meerts him and is surprised but cain sez hes surpried a well and he learns of their plasce and they have real poles with em

wait i think hes an America

so America guy goes to base and his boss plsayed by j r from dallas who's a colonel and is b--ching about gis men having never seen combat

in the village the caine has his mren fake military cr-p andchick 1 is there as is the donasld who they fake meeting

don, 1 chick and caine talk about the churchill comming and what to do to catch him

she reveals she was from soviet south africa before they destroyed itself and hher rents were iced by the brits in a camp

so a guy falls into water and is iced by the water wheel and under his unifom is a german clothes

the people see and the caine has em locked up in da church

then all the germans arrive and start b0ning all the englishmomen woc; with out consnt!

jk thats what the soviets did to the Germans

so priest thinks caine is gonna send churchill to h e double india and 2 girls hiding in a room in the church hear and goo oot to save his evil a55

chick 2 is one of em and rides off on her horse and gets to chick 1 and tells her

chick 1 pulls a gun and caps her but she drives off and goes to donald and sez hes a traitor

desppute pointing a boomstiock at him, don wins her over and goes to get something aS she goes to check his radio

chick 1 comes to church and tells what happeneed and the priest bv--ches at her fo5r going against them, but dont know the english wronged her 1st

Amwrioccan comes by his base and j r sez the chick 2 survived and is in hospital and revealed the Poles her Germans and are after churchill

Amewrican is sent to WARN the CHURCHILL and as churchills xar comees by, a jeep gets to it and tells the guys

j r and his dudes get to da village and hhe tells an enemy his terms but the guy don;'t speak englishh

even though the church is full of civilisans, although they''re brits and thus, arenn't woirth it, he wabts to attack

then snipers all over open fire on em and take out a bunch

So the Allies get a Bazooka  as churchill comes by this other plsace

churchill gives a speech and starts teciting a daemonic spell to devolve the ppeople into ape like slugs, but ythe getmans open fire on him and he blows apart in a spray of jet black ooze and slime


so the jr and American come to Chick 1's place to ice her and jr gets a grenade ready

she casps ghuim, he falls down the stairsd and the grenade blows him body apart, wqhich if this were made in the 80s, we'd se him splatter and his chunks fly

American goes up and fires but finds her iced, perhaps by eating her own gun

the Americans use a Bazooka and blow a car and the Geermans save 2 guys who wewre in it

The Germsaans take off the fake uniforms and show their German ones and priest sez hes glad his sister the chick 2 ruined their plot

cjiamne sez his plot failed cuz his man sacvrificed himself to save the girl from the mill

an ally comes by saying its over, chick 1 is in h e double englind and the radio is caught

Caine lets out the villasgers and 1 woman thanks him for sparing her Son

priest goes mental and attacks dionald as I guess he's anglican and is pulls oput and told cchick 2 is ok

donald took the priests keys and has a secret way out and cain/donald are gonna sneak out and catch churchill as his menb stay behind andhold off the allies

The Germans break the windows, including staineds glass, and a gunfighe ensues

a tanbk with a machine gunm shreds the mill andsa cannon shot blows it

the allies go through the cemetary and threow grenades in the church as england has kinda been the enemy of the church since henry 8

doinald and caine escape in a car and motorcylceabnnd the Allies waste the remainibg German

cain and don go to dons place ands chick 2 is there andsez she loves him and couldn't let hi bite it

the brits say they got all but 3, cain, don and a3rd who was wounded

caine and don have the wounded guy aND MAKE IT TO A GEERMAN BOAT BUTcaine dont wanna go back

he sends wounded guy back and says bye to don and thery go off like terry andy and joe in fatal fury ova 1

caine sends a message back to the gomeland and its kjinda f;d in transmission and duval sez to tell people he was only following orders so he wouldnt get f;d

later is night but just filmed in day and edited to look darker and caine takes out an alliy on ther radio in a jeep and sez to his radio he's gonna go to where radio told him

So donald is sneaking aorund in a house and 2 soldiers see the door is open and send their dogs in

don uses his irishm magic to stop em and after the americans come inthey find nothing and come out

doc loomis gets the letter of the message and duval is arrested foir exceeding his orders to the point of treason to the state

he's takes out back and shot and back in england or w/e, caine sneaks around liek a ninja dressed as an American to get churchill

el presidente comes out smoking his cigar like a big cuban d0ng and caine is right there in ther shadows

word gets to the baxe that the guard is out cold and his jeep is gone and  the calls are comming from inside the house!

he caps churchill and sends him back to h e doyuble england but is shredded with gunfire

but turns outthe churchill he capped was a body double, or kagemusha, who died for no reason

the brits tell the americans that the real churchill is with f d r in the sand people lands and this whole thing never happened

donald southerman sends a letter to chiuck 2 and sez stuff to her about something i wasnt listgening to

then credits and it shows the footage from ther film and the names of who tgheydid like spaceballs

the end

That was pretty good

Nice calm feels and good pacing

It doesn't drag and has good flow

Nice acting and music and writing

Well done idea

Its well made and probabnly wouldn't be doner today as it don't make Germany look evil or england lok good

It holds up and has good characters and motives with a nice calm satart and good action when needed instead of all the time and wearing it out

Oh and england sacrificing an innocent man for their higher ups was sorta like how they let Lesalie Howard bite it so they wouldn't let the Germans know they broke the code

But then the guy who broke the code and won them the war got forced to take injections that devolved him for his orientation and it droive him to suicide

For The Eagle Had Landed 2 I want for england to have taken ovver Euurope and have oppressed the people in what was once Germany. All Germa Protoculture is banned and they are forced to serve the regent who execuutes any dissenters to his rule. But with help from the Slavic areas, the Germans have developed a new power suit that uses rocks as a power source and the son of Robert Duval from the 1st movie goes in for his direct attack on the brits brain palace that holds the regent and the real churchill, who whio he fights them, devolves into a gorilla like boar with his daemonic pact he made to get into power. Its also a 16 bit game like Rocket Knight Adventures on Sega Genesis, Sners, TG16 Atari Jaguar and GBA where you play as Duval Jr and fight across Europe and clear out brit bases with their futuristic 50s tech and fight human experiments of multiple people fused into 1 body with multiple limbs and heads in a moras of morality under their control.

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