Sunday, May 27, 2018

Brokeback Mountain Review

note; this review has b0ning and typoes. as do all my others
brokeback mountain
this is my review on brokeback mountain
its from the director of the 2003 hulk movie
and stars the joker from the dark knight
and has catwoman from the dark knight rises
when this came out in the mid 00s it was talked about a lot
mostly as sodomy jokes
a decade later Justin Bieber and Justin trudeau have filled that hole
after this came out, everyone thought heath ledger really was gay cuz he played 1 guy in 1 movie
by playing a role doesn't mean you really are what you play
no one thought Anthony Hopkins really ate people after his several movies
and no one thinks tommy Wiseau is weird after he... ok bad example
so heath ledger and jake gylinthal get work looking after sheep in the distant future year of 1963
they work on a place called broke back mountain
and randy quaid is the headmaster of the thing
jake gilynthal plays jack twist and heath plays ennis
those sound like p0rn0 names
last year jake worked here and lightening iced a buncha sheep
and did rodeo
and he disappoints his dad often
after a montage of them working sheep heath sez hes getting married to his gf after this job
later while getting supplies, heath encounters a big black bear and books it
he gets back to camp late jake busts his a55
they lost most food so jake suggests eating a sheep
but heath bags an elk
later jake b--ches about his looking after the sheep
so heath switches jobs with him
later heath sez he shot a coyote big enuff to eat a camel
with testickles the size of apples
if they showed it there would be animal commies whining
later heath tells his life story
heaths dad didn't think much of rodeo guys so jake acts like an inbred hick and jumps around as a joke
that's racist
also jake is Pentecostal and heath is Methodist
heath gets drunk and spends the night at jakes camp
but it gets cold so he goes in jakes tent
later they wake up and jake gets his jeans off
then heath ledger b0nes his a55
note how jake automatically bent over
I don't think this is his 1st rodeo
when heath gets back he finds a sheep ripped open and its organs eaten
had he not got drunk, he would've saved the sheep
later he sez his b0ning jake is a one shot thing and both men say they aint queer
but, they're b0ning eachother
its like a guy who only eats meat saying hes not a carnivore
also in black like me, the guy who tried b0ning the main guy said the same thing, after trying to b0ne him
later they b0ne again and playfully wrestle afterward
but randy quaid is watching
later randy tells jake his uncle has pneumonia
but as jake cant do anything about it, he stays
later theres a storme and after it, the sheep are mixed with some other sheep
later it snows and jack sez randy said his uncle recovered
and to come back down as a worse storm is commin
but its only august
snow in august?
so much for global warming
on the way down they playfully wrestle and it leads to a fight
heaths nose gets blood
after returning the sheep, randy sez they were cr-ppy at it
heath sez hes gonna get married soon and try something
jake is gonna work for his dad
will heath tell his fiancé he cheeted on her?
they leave and heath has some kind of episode in an ally
then heath marrys his gf
then theres a montage of heaths married life
jake returns to randy for work but randy sez theres nothing for him
randy sez he was paying jake to watch his sheep, not b0ne heath
imagine if a security guard was supposed to be watching something but kept going off to b0ne the cashier
he wouldn't last
later heath has bred with his wife several times and they have a few kids
his wife wants to move for their daughters to have a better life
but heath cant afford it
btw I forgot to mention heath dropped outta high school
maybe he'd have a good job if he didn't
then he b0nes his wife
meanwhile, jake is at a rodeo and flirts with a rodeo clown who saved him
what is this? Robotech?
rick saves lisa and they fall in love?
later its independence day and heath and fam are watchin fireworks
but 2 lusty drunk guys talk about b0ning a lot in front of heaths fam
they also insult heath so he assaults them
cuz responding to words with violence is civilized
but if you've seen the dark knight, you'd know they got off easy
we've seen what heath ledger can do
later jake meets anne Hathaway
it reminds me of that Seinfeld scene
jerry! what r u doo ing?! ur with a wo man!!
jake then b0nes anne in a car
later heath has to leave his kids with his wife at work as hes called in
and his wife needs to get her sister to do her kids
later anne poops out jakes baby and her dad likes him but not the jake
later heath gets a poast card from jake and heath sez jake is his fishing buddy
I assume fishing is slang for butt stuff
heath replies jakes poast card and later heath waits for jake while smoking and drinking
jake comes by and they hug and make out
but heaths wife sees em
this is how springer eps go btw
remember the ep; i'm not gay, but my bf is?
then jake meets mrs heath b4 heath and jake go out to b0ne
that's pretty awful
he's married and cheeting on her
both are
its; forsaking all others, as long as you both live
not; forsaking all others until ur butt buddy is in town
when heath gets back, he and jake go to the mountain to b0ne
also he sez his foreman owes him after working in a blizzard at xmas so he wont get fired
mrs heath is pretty hurt by heaths cheeting
she did nothing wrong and she suffers
while out camping, jake suggests they ditch their wifes and go live on a ranch together
but heath don't wanna ditch his woman
yeah but he's ok cheeting on her
he tells a story of his childhood where these 2 guys were b0ning and 1 got beat dead
then they tied a rope to his thing and drove him around til it fell off
and his dad showed him the aftermath
although it could be him trying to keep his son from winding up like him
look at the 50s movie suddenly last summer
they allowed gayness to be shown as they saw it as warning of the dangers of it
so heaths marriage is having trouble
jake is selling farm equipment and tells anne heaths car cant make it to texas
also him and wife are not synchroing
later heath is going out to b0ne jake and mrs heath says theres a job at the power company
but heath don't want it
also his daughters want him to come to the church picnic after his fishing
later heath is b0ning his wife but she sez they might not have enough cash for another kid
sounds like you shouldn't be b0ning then
they stop and then divorce
lar heath meets jake after telling him of his divorce and jake wants to b0ne
but heath has his kids with him and only gets em 1x a month
jake gets bummed and drives off crying cuz he didn't get b0ned today
so he goes to mexico and him and a Mexican walk into the shadows
sorta like in the portrait of dorian gray where him an a midget walk upstairs and the door closes
later its thanksgiving and jake has dinner with his fam
he turns off the football game so his son will eat dinner
but grampa turns it back on and sez they dont eat with their eyes
and it'll make the son a man
so jake turns it off again
when  grampa goes to turn it on, jake gets p-ssed, and threatens grampa
what a c-cksucker
grampa otta beat his a55 in for dat
when I had dinner at my grandmas place I liked listening to and watching 90s cartoons like dragon flyz
its one of my better memories
at heaths thanksgiving his ex wife confronts him with evidence she knows they never went fishing
they never had any fish and she tied a note to his line
and the note was untouched after he came back
he grabs her and nearly beats on her
then threatens her new man if he tries to help
eventually he storms out and is nearly run over by a guy as he jaywalks
then assaults the driver
but the driver wins the fight
holy f
this guys demented
he cheets on his wife and nearly kills her and her bf for knowing it
she did nothing wrong and suffers
is heath the bad guy in here?
is this how he became the joker?
later heath is out with jake and jake has a moustache
he looks like a p0rn0 actor
also this is the 70s now
heath is paranoid of others knowing hes queer
so jake suggests coming to live with him in texas
heath sees it as silly
later heath dances with some waitress and gives her a foot rub
he tells her he's neutering cattle
are their teskisles as big as apples too?
what do you do with the parts after u pull em off?
later jake and another guy are at a dinner with their women
he flirts with the other guy when their wifes aint around
other guy suggests going to a cabin
later waitress meets heaths daughter
on the ride back, daughter wants to live with heath as moms new bf don't like her
but heath don't consent
later heath and jake are out camping and heath tells jake about his gf
and jake isn't getting along with anne
bw theres good make up in making it look like its years later
as they leave heath sez he cant be back to b0ne jake til November
jake gets p-ssed about noit being able to be b0ned by him til then
but heath cant quit this job nor get time off
he has responsibilities
jake reveals hes been to mexico
heath gets p-ssed ad se he could kill him
jake gets p-ssed that they didn't live together the last 20 years despite them both having wives
they fight and have a flashback to then years ago cuddling on their 1st time on brokeback mountain
man jake really gets upset that he cant get b0ned enough
later heath dumps waitress and breaks her heart
what a c-cksucker
she loved him and he hurt her like that
this guys awful
later heath finds out jake bit it
he calls anne and she sez his tire broke and when fixing it, the rim came off and busted his face
he drowned in his own blood
but heath thinks a buncha guys beat him dead
even though theres no proof of that
and the rim coming off and busting his face would be hard to fake
now the movie tries to make us feel for heath
but after when he put his wife and gf through, I got no sympathy for him
so they burned his corpse and he wanted to be throw out at brokeback mountain
but no one knew where it was or if it was real
so heath goes to get half his ashes from jakes rents
the other half are with anne
jakes dad sez jake wanted to have heath live on the farm
but then he got another guy he wanted to live on the farm with
also he wanted to ditch his wife
hes cheeting on his wife, AND the guys he's cheeting on his wife with
that's totally springer
like grandma stole my boyfriend
this guy was b0ning his gf, her mom and her grandma
thats pretty awful
so heath goes to jakes childhood room an finds jake kept heaths blood stained shirt from the nose blood from b4
heath thought he lost it
why didn't jake tell him he had it?
was it like in hey Arnold how Helga has a buncha stuff from Arnold in her closet?
hats how stalkers and serial killers start
both these guys were unbalanced
jakes dad sez jakes going in the family plot and mom sez for heath to see em again
also heath takes back his shirt
later heaths daughter comes by and sez shes getting married
he sez he's gonna quit his work to be at her wedding
he keeps the shirt jake stole from him in his closet and talks to it at times
the end
that was well produced
well acted
well directed
and it won ang lee the Oscar
wtf anna ferris was in this?
lol one name; chris bang
sounds like a p0rn0 name
also heath wasn't even really gay in here
he only kept getting seduced by jake gylinthal
he had a gf he was gonna marry b4 he met jake
jake was the gay one
he kept going out to get b0ned by all those guys
yet no one says the real jake gynilinthal was gay
but this was a well made film
too bad its about guys cheeting on their wifes and being violent/disgruntled
its the highest acclaimed episode of jerry springer ever
for brokeback mountain 2 I want it to be set in the 90s where heaths grandkid is unbalanced and they go on a talkshow to get help. on the show the team does some digging and finds out about heath and jake being butt buddies for 20 years. they spring it on heath and his ex wife comes out and they fight. also they bring out jakes ashes and jakes kid, wife and many exbutt budies. heath cant take it and snaps and begins violently beating people and takes the jar of jake. he tries running to brokeback mountain to deliver jakes ashes but the cops and security are after him. its also an 8 bit Gameboy game like the power rangers ones where you play as heath and go around eating people up who try to stop you from taking jakes ashes.and instead of a lives meter, you have only so much of jakes ashes and each time u get hit, they fall out.

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