Saturday, May 26, 2018

On The Ice Review

note; I never saw this b4 but read of it on a wiki. also trypoes
on the ice
this is my review for on the ice (from 2011)
I saw a commercial for it and it looked cool
other than a bit of reading and an add I don't know anything about this
wtf its 18+
and that's the soviet Canadian rating
so its set in Alaska in a frozen mad max wasteland
in school the natives have a traditional ceremony
btw, have you ever heard of the tunit?
i heard legends of em
a race of 3 foot tall people living in the north before the inuit came
they were said to have vanished after the climate naturally changed 1000 years ago and the ice melted
but I hear there are still sightings today
so these 2 guys are modern teens
smoking chronic and crack
b0ning fat chicks pregnant
the usual
they hang with their homies and talk about hunting and then they start rapping
and no they aint black
the guys talk about b0ning chicks and it escalates to mom jokes and violence
then they laugh and drive off on snow mobiles
this is kinda like the crow
but instead of Detroit its the north
both are kinda slummy though
later the 2 guys go home and one drinks booze
he then pours it on his mom/sister/gf/any combination of the 1st 3's b00b
its really widescreen
like half the screen is black bars
later the 2 guys have dinner with I think their dad after a prayer
they plan on going seal hunting
a lot of animal commies wanna ban the seal hunts
1st; many tribes up there depend on it to survive
2nd; if whites don't have a seal hunt every year, the seal overpopulate and use up too much fish
so them both humans AND seals starve
some times u gotta cut off a finger to save a hand
so then the guys go to a party of a guy who's rents are outta town
at it they have a rapping about being artic thugs
later 1 guy goes out and its still day
I assume its the whole 30 days of night thing where it stays sunny for weeks
then a girl tells him the sun don't set til august
this sounds like something i'd hear in Robotech 2 the sentinels on one of those weird a55 alien planets
he then sees his grandma who speaks her native language while he speaks English
they then play cards
the next day (I think, theres no sunset so i'm not sure) he goes hunting and his homies left b4 him
so he goes across the wasteland on his motorcycle I mean snowmobile
as he goes to them he's attacked and fights
in the fight a knife is pulled and the knife guy gets bashed with a shovel
knife guy gets tackled and I the fall, gets it in the skull
well, that went south quick
I think the grandma guy survived but i'm not sure as all 3 guys dress the same
oh and the dead guys were on drugs
theres a crack pipe there
and shoveled guy isn't dead
shoveled guy(I think his friend from b4) sez knifed guy was drunk so he drove snowmobile
but hes drunk too(but not as drunk)
shoveled guy freaks out at how he's gonna go to jail and beats the corpse
he then tries to eat his rifle
but main guy saves him
hes given up on life
but main guy suggests not taking dead guy back
hey get the body on the snowmobile and dtive to an opening in the ice
them push it in
they dump the body and return to the village
shoveled guy sez corpse was drunk, didn't see a crack, fell through the ice, and shoveled guy jumped off b4 it went in
man we're like 40 mins in
but nothing much happened
good pacing
kinda like alien
da cops take em out to find him
ant there giant 100foot long squids up under the ice?
or is that the south pole?
I know they caught a 40 foot squid that wasn't near fully grown
later I think its finally getting dark and corpses dad is freaking out
according to Wikipedia, the tunit were giants
I recall hearing they were 3 feet tall
although them being giants could mean a relation between the children of fallen angels and people that many cultures world wide have tales of
so the homies tell the cops their story
shoveled guy sez his face bruise was from hitting ice when he jumped
cop tells em how shoveled guy's dad bit it by 30 from booze
and main guy is gonna disappoint many people if he gets involved
this is why I don't drink btw
I can go through a whole 2liter carton of chocolate milk in a few hours
if I did booze i'd be dead
btw errol Flynn bit it at 50 from smoking and drinking
but this guy bit it at 30!?
later a chick talks to shoveled guy asking about the corpse
he has enuff and books it
chick tells main guy she broke up with corpse at the party cuz he kept trying to b0ne 15 year old girls
she blames herself for him biting it but main guy sez he knows it wasn't
also she tells him he cant tell anyone
then they make out
later shoveled guy is drunk and told his baby momma he killed the corpse
main guy takes him home and he keeps saying he did it when his mom is there
mom (in a tank top with her bra straps showing) tells main guy to go, but then that he has to help her son
main guy goes home and his rents smell shovel guys booze on him
dad sez he went back and the tracks look like someone dug it up
also the winds have made them call off the search
mom sez main guy goes to college in 4 months and they cant let it get f'd
later shoveled guy is shook up and still cant remember what happened
main guy sez if shoveled guy raises his kid right it'll make up 4 it
shovel guy don't care as main guy is leaving soon
later main guys dad checks the gun and it has a round fired shell case
later, main guy sees a guy dump trash in a dumpster, calls his dad saying he wants to talk, and gets the trash
he sees the chick he made out with and probably b0ned
she sez he cant tell anyone they b0ned and leaves
he tells his dad the chick broke up with the corpse and she thinks he suicided
dad sez he did the right thing telling him
man this is like the tell tale heart
this guy knows the truth and its eating him up
later theres a gathering and corpses dad tells shovel guy its not his fault
later main guy spends the night at his grandmas
after waking up he tells grandma his friend bit it
later baby momma sez shovel guy broke up with her and sed her baby is corpses baby
she thinks that's why he wacked him
later main guy finds shovel guy about to buy drugs
dealer threatens him after main guy sez he'd turn him in if dealer sells to shovel guy
main guy fights shovel guy
then sez he iced corpse after he thought shovel guy bit it
hovel guy runs away
at home dad and main guy talk and main guy sez he fired his gun to get someones attention when he though he saw someone
dad gets him to go hunting
on the hunt with shovel guy, dad tells a story of how his gun used to be shovel guys dads gun
he lost it to him in a race
but the night b4, shove dad overfed main dads dogs walrus meat
and he didn't get a rematch as shoveler bit it b4
then main dad shows em he found corpse and attacks shovel guy for getting his son into this
but main guy sez it was him
dad tells em get a battery to weigh down corpse
but main guy wants to bring him back
but shovel guy gets a gun and has main guy tapehis own feet together
then shovel guy ties his hands together
I should mention if it wernt for drugs and alcohol, none of this would happen
but shovel guy sez he's bringing him back and taking the heat as he started the fight cuz he was on drugs
he throws main guy a knife and drives away
main guy cuts himself loose and walks back after him
then credits play as main guy walks the wastelands of ice
the end
I gotta say
this was pretty good
unexpected twists
human flawed characters
realistic reactions
its kind of like a law and order episode
I liked it
its not a "fun" movie
but its well made and well told
I don't recall much music to it but it has kind of a presence to it
like a less exaggerated score to john carpenters the thing
plus it has rap and teens being teens until they have to get serious
I think the comic relief shovel guy going dark and guilt ridden is a good twist
its like in degrassi how spinner or jt deal with deadly issues after being the fun ones b4
for on the ice 2 I want the main guy from the 1st one to be walking back but gets caught by a spiritual episode and goes through a dante's inferno like experience of dealing with his feelings and past and the choices he made in his life. also its a 16 bit shoot em up game like wings of wor or thunderforce 4 lightening force on sega genesis and super Nintendo and Atari jaguar and turbo grafix 16 cd with him going through various trippy levels of his mind with many layered meanings and various legendary creatures and items from their culture.

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