Captain Kidd Review

note; I spell piratey

captain kidd

this is my review of captaoin kidd (from 1945)

its got Charles laughton from a buncha 30s films I reviewed b4

accord Wikipedia; Khrushchev sez this was one of stalins fave films

not sure that's something a film wants to be known for

although I hear kim jong il liked team America

the director of this also did

in love with love (sounds like a p0rn0)

three sinners (Churchill, f dr and stalin?)

loves of an actress(more p0rn0)

the wolf of wall street (the 20s ver, not the one with candy a55 leo)

a dangerous woman(cuz of aids?)

ladies love brutes(violent p0rn0)

The Return of Dr. Fu Manchu (didn't he bite it in the last movie?)

the guilty generation(sounds like a teen prison film)

that night in London(where you got b0ned)

the cot of monte cristo (I wanna review dat)

the three musketeers(30s ver but I think I reviewed the 40s ver)

love from a stranger(p0rn 0h??)

mother carey's chickens(interspecies xxx)

son of Frankenstein (which was good)

son of monte cristo (aka monte cristo gx)

and powder town(sounds like cocainum)

ooh its got john carridine in it

and its fullscreen

it starts with credits on boat sails and good music

then in ,Madagascar for years, boats from india were jacked by pirates

captain William kid (billy the kid??)takes out a boat and torches it

like thugs did in LA and Baltimore after trials didn't go the way they wanted

kidd hides the treasure in a cave

but b4 its berried his men wanna see its still got the treasure in it

so he shows em

b4 its berried 1 guy sez kidd otta leave the key there so they don't gotta trust him

so he caps him and berrys him with the treasure

he sez a few words for him while blaming him for being greedy

then its in the distant future year of the 1699

around when the 1st Castlevania game happened

kidd gets tips from a stuffed shirt to be a gentleman

at least he's got pip from great expectations

he pays him 60 quid a year

is that slang for squid?

later kid is hired to sail with some homie to guard him on a trip to Madagascar

hope he don't get b0ned by chris rock as a zebra

kidd claims hes innocent of pirating and never went to Madagascar

also the leader of the boat he burned was the real pirate

and now he wants the boat leader lord blayne's land and title and cr-p

he jokes about the kings homies and king lols but 1 wants to kill kidd

he claims not to fight but dominates the homie in 1 move

so kidd gets hired to go and defend cr-p and wants a crew of pirates sentenced to hang

as they will be super loyal if pardoned after

me; how do we know these men are real bad guys?

remember mutiny on the bounty?

or captain blood?

many innocent men were executed despite being innocent

so in jail 1 guy b-ches about the cr-ppy food and get chained up

kidd likes his chutzpa

the jailed complain at the jail guy and he threatens them with stringing em by their thumbs for talking

this is why America was founded

cuz of evil brits like this

kidd wins the jailed with a speech to come on his boat

man we're 20 mins in

good pacing

so the jailed are freed from chains

the food guy sez he was a master gunner on a good boat b4

and he can write

this guys a Castlevania batman

then he and other guys bathe together

then povey, a guy kidd thought bit it, comes in and signs on for the mission

kid left him on a reef years ago

povey sez kid left him so he wouldn't have to share his treasure

an kidd sez he took out the other 2 guys

and he wants to be a lord

but povey sez he has a letter to be opened if he don't return

the letter sez what kidd did

man, Charles is good at playing bad guys

he's good in this

as henry 8

and the only other film I saw him in was hunchback of noter dame

but he was good as a good guy in that too

so kidd wrotes on his kill list povey's name

2 others are crossed out

2 others are not

later its dinner and kidd uses candy a55 brittish social cr-p to bully his men

making everyone wait for him and making them stand for him

why not just tell them to let him b0ne them?

kidd needs to be reminded to eat proper brit style

food guy sez he as a pirate and guilty

after dinner kidd sez food guy should toast to the king

but he don't like the evil ruler of soviet England and don't consent

so kidd forces him

after they drink he busts his glass and books it

this makes kidd think food guy is the kings spy

later stuffed shirt sez to food guy he knows hes a gentleman

and that kid thinks hes a spy

food guy wonders why kidd would fear being spyd on

later food guy trains the men to use cannons

smart, hates the king, good with guns, is he American?

kdd asks food guy where to land and one of kids homies sez "don't u remember? if we land there..."

kidd silences him claiming he never was there, then calls him a "blundering A55"

thats a55phobic

using a55 as an insult

he must hate a55es

as in male donkeys

later kidd sez theres a ship of treasure taken from the east by england that he wants to jack

so England enslaving the 3rd world and stealing their treasure with unfair taxes is ok

but kidd taking it makes him the bad guy

later a rope comes by kids window and he pulls it

it wacks a guy by cr-p falling

and the guy was on his kill list

he crosses the guys name off

later he says good things about him

then food guy gets his job

later he goes through kiddz (spelled with a Z as ki dd s is turned into kids by candy a55 autocorrect)things and finds the kill list

but kidd finds him and pulls a gun on him

food guy sez he works for the king as the king wont trust anyone with a boat of ex cons

and he knows the iced guy was on purpose

but he offers to team with him for half his treasure

and he knows of the boat that was looted at the start of da movy

later food guy tells someone he lied about being a kings man and knows kidd don't believe it

and kidd to his homies sez he sensed something about food guy

and writes his name on his kill list

later they come by a boat and go there to meet the homies there

kidd sez they saw pirates be and "beet 0ff to em"

I assume that means something else in the 1600s

but here is sounds purvurted

on the boat is a chick who sez she thinks she knows food guy

the other boat captain sez to let kidd look after his treasure with 1 million pounds and the chick

also 1 of kiddz men lights a candle in the other boats ammo room

the boat blows apart with miniature effects that look way better than cr-ppy cg

later the chick is worried about the guys b0ning her

stuffed shirt reveals hey never fought any pirates like kidd claimed

now she knows kidd iced her boat (her dad was captain) and stuffed shirt sez to get help from food guy

he reveals captain kidd iced his dad too when he torched and looted that boat b4

and he was on it

he tells her to fake not knowing and be nice to kidd

later  main I mean food guy fights 1 of kids homies and kidd and povey watch

food guy ices him and he falls out da window

and kidd sez he did well protecting the chick

later food guy sez his medallion with the blayne crest came off in da fight

and if kidd finds out he'd ice him

so he tells stuffed shirt to get chick to soviet England

kidd crosses off the name of the homie food guy iced

food guy and kidd and I think purvo or w/e the guys name was go back to the treasure

food guy sez da crest on the treasure is blaynes

kidd sez he has food guys crest but food guy sez he traded a ring 4 it

kidd sez blayne 1 turned prate and pulls a gun on food guy

but food guy sez its a lie, rushes him and they fight

but povey knocks food guy in the ocean

later at dinner he lies to chick about food guy

later 2 guys feel for food guy biting it

but he comes in saying he hid beside da boat

he and stuffed shirt go to chick and plan to escape to a pirate town then soviet England

food guy and chick escape in a boat but r sighted

stuffed shirt tries to stop kidd from cannoning em but kid wastes him

food guys boat is hit so he swims with chick

kidd chex da wreckage and assumes who left bit it

crosses off food guy from his list

there can be, only 1.

so kidd eventually returns to England

and king asks about the chick, who's the queens godchild

kidd sez she turned evil and her ship blew

king also asks of the ship he sunk at the start

and shows he has the blayne treasure

and povey bit it defending it, saying it wasn't his

food guy and chick come out and kidd is arrested and tried

later kidd is gonna be hung and saying cr-p

then it cuts to king hearing kidd bit it

food guy is the new lord blayne and king thanks him

the end

that was pretty good

good adventure and night high points of action

modern films need non stop action as now everyones adhd

but this had good pacing, flow and twists

Charles is great as the evil brittish captain and the rest of the cast fits

it reminds me a bit of that 5s blackbeard film I reviewed as the title character is the bad guy and the heroes are lesser characters

plus no tacked on, over the top, bummer moment to make us feel down in a movie that don't need it

I liked it and think it does a good job telling the story

although the heroes escape through the pirate town and kidds trial were just skipped

but the film is a good length and adding that would f it up

for captain kidd 2 I want it to be revealed that kidd survived being executed by promising 1 guy (a ninja )there his hidden treasure if he frees him. the guy takes out everyone there and eats their faces so no one will know who really bit it. they then work behind the scenes to spread word that blayne said words against the king in the 1st movie. the king finds out and is going to have him drawn and quartered for it. he escapes and finds out kidd is still alive and goes on a journey to take him out for ruining him. also its a 16 bit action game on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Atari jaguar with you playing as the hero of the 1st movie and go through varius places to try to find clues by taking out people and finding hidden areas in freaky geman expressionist style towns like the golem(1920 movie). ad the game boss is captain kidd who is now rally big and buff like hulk Hogan from working out and eating those who he feels wronged him.