Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Captain Kidd Review

note; I spell piratey
captain kidd
this is my review of captaoin kidd (from 1945)
its got Charles laughton from a buncha 30s films I reviewed b4
accord Wikipedia; Khrushchev sez this was one of stalins fave films
not sure that's something a film wants to be known for
although I hear kim jong il liked team America
the director of this also did
in love with love (sounds like a p0rn0)
three sinners (Churchill, f dr and stalin?)
loves of an actress(more p0rn0)
the wolf of wall street (the 20s ver, not the one with candy a55 leo)
a dangerous woman(cuz of aids?)
ladies love brutes(violent p0rn0)
The Return of Dr. Fu Manchu (didn't he bite it in the last movie?)
the guilty generation(sounds like a teen prison film)
that night in London(where you got b0ned)
the cot of monte cristo (I wanna review dat)
the three musketeers(30s ver but I think I reviewed the 40s ver)
love from a stranger(p0rn 0h??)
mother carey's chickens(interspecies xxx)
son of Frankenstein (which was good)
son of monte cristo (aka monte cristo gx)
and powder town(sounds like cocainum)
ooh its got john carridine in it
and its fullscreen
it starts with credits on boat sails and good music
then in ,Madagascar for years, boats from india were jacked by pirates
captain William kid (billy the kid??)takes out a boat and torches it
like thugs did in LA and Baltimore after trials didn't go the way they wanted
kidd hides the treasure in a cave
but b4 its berried his men wanna see its still got the treasure in it
so he shows em
b4 its berried 1 guy sez kidd otta leave the key there so they don't gotta trust him
so he caps him and berrys him with the treasure
he sez a few words for him while blaming him for being greedy
then its in the distant future year of the 1699
around when the 1st Castlevania game happened
kidd gets tips from a stuffed shirt to be a gentleman
at least he's got pip from great expectations
he pays him 60 quid a year
is that slang for squid?
later kid is hired to sail with some homie to guard him on a trip to Madagascar
hope he don't get b0ned by chris rock as a zebra
kidd claims hes innocent of pirating and never went to Madagascar
also the leader of the boat he burned was the real pirate
and now he wants the boat leader lord blayne's land and title and cr-p
he jokes about the kings homies and king lols but 1 wants to kill kidd
he claims not to fight but dominates the homie in 1 move
so kidd gets hired to go and defend cr-p and wants a crew of pirates sentenced to hang
as they will be super loyal if pardoned after
me; how do we know these men are real bad guys?
remember mutiny on the bounty?
or captain blood?
many innocent men were executed despite being innocent
so in jail 1 guy b-ches about the cr-ppy food and get chained up
kidd likes his chutzpa
the jailed complain at the jail guy and he threatens them with stringing em by their thumbs for talking
this is why America was founded
cuz of evil brits like this
kidd wins the jailed with a speech to come on his boat
man we're 20 mins in
good pacing
so the jailed are freed from chains
the food guy sez he was a master gunner on a good boat b4
and he can write
this guys a Castlevania batman
then he and other guys bathe together
then povey, a guy kidd thought bit it, comes in and signs on for the mission
kid left him on a reef years ago
povey sez kid left him so he wouldn't have to share his treasure
an kidd sez he took out the other 2 guys
and he wants to be a lord
but povey sez he has a letter to be opened if he don't return
the letter sez what kidd did
man, Charles is good at playing bad guys
he's good in this
as henry 8
and the only other film I saw him in was hunchback of noter dame
but he was good as a good guy in that too
so kidd wrotes on his kill list povey's name
2 others are crossed out
2 others are not
later its dinner and kidd uses candy a55 brittish social cr-p to bully his men
making everyone wait for him and making them stand for him
why not just tell them to let him b0ne them?
kidd needs to be reminded to eat proper brit style
food guy sez he as a pirate and guilty
after dinner kidd sez food guy should toast to the king
but he don't like the evil ruler of soviet England and don't consent
so kidd forces him
after they drink he busts his glass and books it
this makes kidd think food guy is the kings spy
later stuffed shirt sez to food guy he knows hes a gentleman
and that kid thinks hes a spy
food guy wonders why kidd would fear being spyd on
later food guy trains the men to use cannons
smart, hates the king, good with guns, is he American?
kdd asks food guy where to land and one of kids homies sez "don't u remember? if we land there..."
kidd silences him claiming he never was there, then calls him a "blundering A55"
thats a55phobic
using a55 as an insult
he must hate a55es
as in male donkeys
later kidd sez theres a ship of treasure taken from the east by england that he wants to jack
so England enslaving the 3rd world and stealing their treasure with unfair taxes is ok
but kidd taking it makes him the bad guy
later a rope comes by kids window and he pulls it
it wacks a guy by cr-p falling
and the guy was on his kill list
he crosses the guys name off
later he says good things about him
then food guy gets his job
later he goes through kiddz (spelled with a Z as ki dd s is turned into kids by candy a55 autocorrect)things and finds the kill list
but kidd finds him and pulls a gun on him
food guy sez he works for the king as the king wont trust anyone with a boat of ex cons
and he knows the iced guy was on purpose
but he offers to team with him for half his treasure
and he knows of the boat that was looted at the start of da movy
later food guy tells someone he lied about being a kings man and knows kidd don't believe it
and kidd to his homies sez he sensed something about food guy
and writes his name on his kill list
later they come by a boat and go there to meet the homies there
kidd sez they saw pirates be and "beet 0ff to em"
I assume that means something else in the 1600s
but here is sounds purvurted
on the boat is a chick who sez she thinks she knows food guy
the other boat captain sez to let kidd look after his treasure with 1 million pounds and the chick
also 1 of kiddz men lights a candle in the other boats ammo room
the boat blows apart with miniature effects that look way better than cr-ppy cg
later the chick is worried about the guys b0ning her
stuffed shirt reveals hey never fought any pirates like kidd claimed
now she knows kidd iced her boat (her dad was captain) and stuffed shirt sez to get help from food guy
he reveals captain kidd iced his dad too when he torched and looted that boat b4
and he was on it
he tells her to fake not knowing and be nice to kidd
later  main I mean food guy fights 1 of kids homies and kidd and povey watch
food guy ices him and he falls out da window
and kidd sez he did well protecting the chick
later food guy sez his medallion with the blayne crest came off in da fight
and if kidd finds out he'd ice him
so he tells stuffed shirt to get chick to soviet England
kidd crosses off the name of the homie food guy iced
food guy and kidd and I think purvo or w/e the guys name was go back to the treasure
food guy sez da crest on the treasure is blaynes
kidd sez he has food guys crest but food guy sez he traded a ring 4 it
kidd sez blayne 1 turned prate and pulls a gun on food guy
but food guy sez its a lie, rushes him and they fight
but povey knocks food guy in the ocean
later at dinner he lies to chick about food guy
later 2 guys feel for food guy biting it
but he comes in saying he hid beside da boat
he and stuffed shirt go to chick and plan to escape to a pirate town then soviet England
food guy and chick escape in a boat but r sighted
stuffed shirt tries to stop kidd from cannoning em but kid wastes him
food guys boat is hit so he swims with chick
kidd chex da wreckage and assumes who left bit it
crosses off food guy from his list
there can be, only 1.
so kidd eventually returns to England
and king asks about the chick, who's the queens godchild
kidd sez she turned evil and her ship blew
king also asks of the ship he sunk at the start
and shows he has the blayne treasure
and povey bit it defending it, saying it wasn't his
food guy and chick come out and kidd is arrested and tried
later kidd is gonna be hung and saying cr-p
then it cuts to king hearing kidd bit it
food guy is the new lord blayne and king thanks him
the end
that was pretty good
good adventure and night high points of action
modern films need non stop action as now everyones adhd
but this had good pacing, flow and twists
Charles is great as the evil brittish captain and the rest of the cast fits
it reminds me a bit of that 5s blackbeard film I reviewed as the title character is the bad guy and the heroes are lesser characters
plus no tacked on, over the top, bummer moment to make us feel down in a movie that don't need it
I liked it and think it does a good job telling the story
although the heroes escape through the pirate town and kidds trial were just skipped
but the film is a good length and adding that would f it up
for captain kidd 2 I want it to be revealed that kidd survived being executed by promising 1 guy (a ninja )there his hidden treasure if he frees him. the guy takes out everyone there and eats their faces so no one will know who really bit it. they then work behind the scenes to spread word that blayne said words against the king in the 1st movie. the king finds out and is going to have him drawn and quartered for it. he escapes and finds out kidd is still alive and goes on a journey to take him out for ruining him. also its a 16 bit action game on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Atari jaguar with you playing as the hero of the 1st movie and go through varius places to try to find clues by taking out people and finding hidden areas in freaky geman expressionist style towns like the golem(1920 movie). ad the game boss is captain kidd who is now rally big and buff like hulk Hogan from working out and eating those who he feels wronged him.

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