Tuesday, March 23, 2021

Avalanche Sharks Review

 note; i spell cool like ice

avalanche sharks

this is my review on avalanche shatrks from 2014 (The year of the malcvontent uprisings in Robotech)

IU never saw it b4 but its a made foir tv shark movie and was made cuz Sharknado did well

it stasrs no one i know of and starts i meaN IS DIRECTED BY KEITH SHAW WHO ISNT ON WIKIPEDIA

it was gonna star hulk hogans daughter but she dropped out toi do something else so they changed it from being a sequel to sand sharks

so it sttarts with some pretty 90s and pretty unimprerssive snowboarding

1 guy at the bottom of the hill fires a charge at the mournaint and 1 scuzzy boarder gets his leg shanked on a tree

then a charkj gets him andf credits

btw avalanche shark sounds like a yugioh card, like something shark and rio would use together

then this chick in a bra and mini skirt like valis chats with her freind about a schedual and she dont want this jim carry lookin guy to touch her

she goes out in the bra and miniskirt as she wants the guy to lust after her but not touch

later this other chick is in bed in a shirt and undies and trys to seduce her bf whos worried about something

they say they 20 or 26 but u gotta be 28 to do something

then they b0ne

later in the car, bra chick sez she has to whiz and jim carry not is big on the schedual

she is gonna whiz in the car as i guess the writer has a fetish and he sez this mmountain is cursed and has a monster and long ago, a shark planet was trying to save its race

so its michael bay ninja turtles and styreet sharks?

so then moree fast edited snowebvoarding and thenb at trthis ski place chicks in bras on skiis teasing the sherrif

sheriffs woman sez its their 6 month aniiversery and thaT MEANS SOMEONES GONBNA GET IT!

so these chicks are giggling and this redneck guy watches and talks to his dog

why is he in a farm outfit if its a snowy mountain?!

so kater its night and thedy play 90s/00s music and 1 guy aint seen his bro and they have a bigh a55 fire and say its spring breakl

sheriff's woman is making lobster and is a woman biologist and 1 guy calls him to see if he locked asnyone up

sheriff sez no and he sez he aintg seen his prother

then a chick comes outta the jaccuzi in a bikini and this guy aks si patroll about his bro

hes dead! nmove on!

so he sez his bro went to tyhe other side of the mnounatin and rednack guywarns em of the monster and ski partoler stops him as he sounbds nuts

just like in jaws

sdki patrole is a c-ck sucker who sez theyir ski tag sez "ski at ur ownj risk" and if he got f'd,. its not ski patrols probvlem

juts like how the courts say cops are not required to save u naty the risk of themselves

so some dude goes out in the bright woods at night and the sharke getes hime

then its the next day and people ares kiinmg and b0ning guy chats with his bimbo

so later redneck is out on his dog sled and they stop,. trhen run off w.//e hom

so bro guy wants skii patrol to get off his a55 and find his f--king bro but skii patrol dont care

later a chick sez her cousins missing and sheriff and this black guy trys to swindle the japanese chick into buys hich cost skiis

so a straight white hetero adult same sdpecies couple is out and he just wants to b0ne and she weants to skii but he prefers skiing on xbox

so black guy tells sgheriff to do something about all the missing guys and he does a PA messaghhe, then redneck runs in freakled out

meanwhile, the couple guy wants to b0ne aND she wants him to say he loves her and he dont cuz hes scuzz

she goes off p-ssed at him and a shark heads i mean eats her from the waist down

he can still b0ne her mouth

so later redneck is still warning em and the male in the couple comes back and warns a guy of the dshark

at the shrefiurcs thing he is gonna be charged and tells thsat theres stuff in a file of someone seeing it too

this chick sez she was saved by an angel and oh i think its sherrifs woman

she sez white shharts were taken from an alpine lake by a great spirit(daemon?!@!?) and she's been here trying to prove they rteal

meanwhile the bf and i think the bra chick and her bf are out and they bsee the snow sharks going through the ice

he sed there wasnt enuff ofg his gf left to make a sloppy joe, which reminds me of violencve jack where mad saulus ate his hermaphrodite gf

so he legs the sharks eat him cuz he gave up on livfe a nd bra chick in a shirt and butt buddy run

bro guy finds his bros goggles and this chick is there wit him

i cant keep all thiese dinks straight

so sheriff and his woman cvome by maybe bra chick and butt vbuddy and they tell em andf the shartks come

they opern fire, trhen  book it and the maion cast regropups at the sherrifs place ands i think thAT WASNT SHERRIF B4

the maYOR comes by andmocks em over snow sharks and, wait, sherrif was there as he saw em

mayor sez "if this was new york, would u shut down the city?"

me; nuke soiviet new york!

mayor has the issue shut down like a pro life guy in soviet canada and sherrif is gettin replaced

real sherrif is gonna go out with a shotgun anfmakes a guy a deputy like its a johnm wayne movie

they go out and shefrif nearly caps a snowblower and skii patrol guy takes over and stop em

so then some guys go up in a cable car and a guy tells this chick he wants to b090ne about the shark

in the story in the 1800s people ame for the gold rush and clashed with the natrives who didn't want the land touched as their eviol gos lived there

so the natives got wiped out and a shaman used his black powers to summon his daemon god daemons and trhey wiped out the people

later they bwere sealed and if disturbed, they;'d come back

so reasl sherif sez he's being run outta towen andf has 12 hours 

so later the cable car chick has to pee cuz this film, maker or weiter has a pee fetish and 2 guys clash over her

she omes back and ses the winner of a race gets her and they fo off onb snow mobiles

1 guy wins and when she starets undressing a shark eats her

rtedneck outes oues goes out with a gun and bro guy and a chick warn the bikini girtls in the hot tub to get out

1 does but the others gets eated

btw the shark came in from under the pool and no water left bdesdipte the hole in the bottom

so later skii patroll is tryiong to seduce a chick and theres a blast and he gets out

japanese chick goes skiing at the top and an avanalceh happens

bro guyy trys to get cable car guy tro stop sending guys up and gram=pples and in ther struiggle smackjs out blonde

then skii patrols comes in and sez they were right and an avancalche busts the area

1 chickj gets eated by a sdharkle and i think real sherrif gets it

skii patroler opens fire on it and it goes i mean does jack sh-t and he gets it

waity, hes lingering and the sharks are circling him and want the remaining guys to save him and eat em

in the sherrif hut they find eivdence that the sharkes attacked b4 aND THEY USED A SPELL OR W/.E TO GET EM AWAY

AND sherrifds woman was a kid when it happened and drew a picture of it

redneck takes a shot gun at em and pulls a jack knife but gets eated i think

wait, hes shanking it as its got him i think

1 guy gets a rope on skii patroler and the guys in the sherrif hutt try to puill his a55 over

so they ditch the sherrif hiuytt anbd bro guy is alive with an arm cut andf the 2 chix from b4 are standing out and cant move or the shark will sense em

bro guy runs and 1 chick runs and the sharks slowly go artound her

1 guy fixes this sealing thing that keeps the sharks off and the reunning chick gewts splattered

1 shaRK PLOWS INTO SKII GUY PAtrol and just stops AND VANISHES


f u caps lock

oh i think its the japanese chick fixing the sealing wood thing

so it moves and the sharks come bCK And look like cr-ppy xbox cgi

wait, tthe shakr went after 1 itemm was put bACK AND NOWE THE OTHER OONE DID ANDTHE NEXT WENT

SO THE LAST SHARK TAKES OUT SKII PATROL;L GUY FINALLY AND thvanishes after the last wood thing is restrored

so the survivors escape and it ends with a shark getting the camnera

then ceredits to 90s dance musioc

the end

that was kinda dumb and silly

but entertauning and not irritating

yeaH ITS a goofy movie thats not much sense wuith lots of bikini girls

but its bright and has color and some gore and the cheesy effects are kinfsa fun

i didn['t mind it


but its not trying to be

for a cr-ppy direct to video shark movie, its niot the worst

its got some fun AND ISN'T TOO LONG

its a decent way to spend 80 odd mins

i didn;'t hate it

for avalancher starks 2 i want it to be 20 years later and the kids ofd the survivors come back to the mountain as the sharks have returned and they have cyber saremor and plasma cannons and b lades and gotta take em on. alkso its a 128 bit gamecube xbonx ps2 and dreamcast game where you go around in armor that turns into a snowmobile and do missions to free the area from ice sharks.

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