Tuesday, March 9, 2021

Reptilicus Review

 Note; i speell reptilian


this is my review on Reptilicus from the distant fuuture year of 1961(100 yeaRS AFTER lincon started THE CIVIL WAR)

its directed by Sidney W. Pink who did niothingh i ever saw or heard of

it stars a bunch of danes i never heard of aand ive never sdeen this film b4 but i hear its a monster movie

apparently, american international pictures chaanged sh-t for the america release and the directer got p-ssed

ooh, its fiullscreen and colored

so it starts with aa narrator saying artuic miners digging for copper (despite it being in a jungle) found something

1 finds blood aND WE GET title

in da drill they find leaTHERY SKIN And bones annd deside to find out more b4 digging for copper

btw this is some woodewn acting, its like a p0rn00

later science nerds come by and a reporter and talk about a large creature under the surface and it was frozen

and nerd thinks the friction tthawed it out and this  thing might be a reptile

so they go to sooviet copernmhagen and theres a blonde chick named lisa like in da room drioiving a ferrarri mustang

the nerds say they found more remnants and they study em and 1 nerd sezthe bones are like shark cartilage

they have a frozen tail and find the whole thing would be dinoi sized

and 1 nerd has a chick for a daughtr and in 1 part is an ellectric eel and everything runs on electricity (as opposed to what? whale oil??)

later at night 1 nerd cuts out a piece of the tail and stufddfys it but the freezer door opens as it wasnt closed right and he falls asleep and the tail thasws

in da day, lisa and dad come in and ffind the tail defrosated and is healing like wolverine or hulk

so later a army guy comes and threy giove a press conference and he explains what regeneration isd as the peole here are room temp iq

just like star fish, each piece of a thing can regenerate into a wole thing and 1 papoaRAZZI SEZ TO CALL ITR REPTILICUS

later 1 inbred seeing guy puts his hand in anm electric eel tank and spazzes out anf then the tail breaks something asnd sets off an alarm

so the thing is regeneratying aand greowing intoi itsd final form like unicron in traBNSFORMERS ENERGON, OR DEATHZARUS GETTUING ENERGY FOR HIS THING IN TRANSAFORMERS VICTORY

so a guy and a chick, i diudnt see which oone, go around town for a day to a montage

at night at a club tthis chick with really cut back hair sings

later its raining like soviet england and someone goes in da lab and sees the thing is moving

he calls 4 help oon da phone and gets inbred fred to go to da cops like they would know what to do

so inbred fred goes to da cops aand they dont csare and the lab is busted and da tthing got out

army guy, named grayuson like carter from power rangers lightspeed rescue, organizes the thing andsends out da troops at a sighting

then we sdee it and it looks sorta like a power rangers monster

they open fire on it for a few mins like in violence jack


also how would bullets stop it ifg it can rewgenerate from a tail stumnp?

so it heads to the beach to b0ne some bikini bimboes and takes out a home  with a fam in it

theey try tanks amnd flame throwers and it goes in da sea

the newwrds say itsa an evolution thing between reptile and mammal from 70 million years ago

spoiler; creation science sayus da urtrh is 6000 years old anbd he's probasbnly a demon

also it needs air to breathe despute being underground for years and regenberasting friom a piece of a55'

later a battleship boat finds it under water and fires on it

another blonde chick trys to tell them not to blow it sapasrt but he dnt listen

se eventully sexz if he blows apart, each piece would grow into a new one and they stop the attack

but its arm gets blown off

also head nerd bites it i think

so is this thing the tarrasque? just get some wraiths and drain his constitution until its 0

so lisda finds nerdad is in the hos[pital and is bummed

so 2 weeks later army guy is still waiting for it to show uip and lisa dad nerd is doing better

then rep[tilicis starts buisting sh-t in the sea and taking out boats

who not collect ki from everyone and nuke every cell in its body with it?

worked in dbz!

1 miner bla,es himself for finding it underground

later its a beach and all these bikini chix are there and reptilicus shows up

da army shows up andits kinda like the 1st season of robotech and theres nop signer of it

it shoes up in da city and people run asnd it barfs acid onm em that if maDE TODAY, WE'D SEE EM MELT TO BONES


why not use gas?

or acid fire?

as people run a guy raises a bridge and people fall and da rest are stuck

so re relowers da bridge

it goes in da water and army guy wants to lure it to the open country and bust iot with the big stuff

so da citysd burning and its bustin things up and they blast at it to send it on

army guy sez to only fire omn his order and to hold da line

a guy openedc fire and got acid melted and it returned to da city

army guy wants to blow it apart but scientist sez that would make him worse as they wouldmnt find all the bacon bits and they'd grow back to many monsters

army guy dont know what else to do and dadnerd spazzes out and gets a SHOT TYO CALM HIM

army guy thinks of using a drug to stup the rep and i think shin godzilla ripped this off

so the chicks and miner make the drugs ands its put into shells as reptilicus f--ks da town

army guyy wants to fire it in its mouth and i think reign pof fire ripped this off

an ambulance attracts it and a guy sacrifices  himself by driving a jeep at it and gets cruished to lure it back

army guy fiores in its mouth and it goes down

tthat went to its brain pretty quicxk

so da town's f--ked and army guy sez its gopod theres  no more like it

then in da sea its arm movves around

the end

that was pretty good

nice decent pg 60-s movie

better than the giant behemnoth

its kinda cheesy but it works

its worth giving a wtxch and isd only lie 80 mins

gl;ad i saw it

for Reptilicus 2 I want it to be years laster and the armn has grown into a new Reptilicus, but animalsd vbit off parts of it and it mutated em into Reptilicus abiomination hybrids under its control. using these it buiolds an army and fights against mankind in a war of man and monster. also some people have betrtayed the human race and joined Reptilicus to eat its fleash and b3e devolved into its abominous slaves. and one tough blonde with bad 80s hair leads a fight against it inb a post apocALYPTIC wasteland and has found that its acttually a daemoin sealed away since Noahs Flood ands they can use holy items to stop it. Its also a 32 bit RPG on Sega Saturn, PS1, GBA, 3DO, PSP and N64 and you play as this bl;onde and fight monsters while searching for holy items to beat the monster

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