Wednesday, November 24, 2021

Attack Of The Crab Monsters Review

 Noye: I spell aquatic

Attack Of The Crab Monsters

This is my review on Attack of the Crab Monsters from the distanet future year of 1957 (50 yearsa before the creatures we engeneered to eat had turned on us in Son and Punishment on N64)

Its directed by the most excellent Roger Corman who knew how to make entertsaining films

it stars Russell Johnson from Giligans Island, IUT came from outer space, and Robotech II The Sentinels, Leslie Bradley from The Conquerer and the 40s Anne Karenina, Mel Welles from Little Shop of Horrors and The X From Outer Space and Chopping Mall, Carles B Grifith from Eating rAUL and Barbarella, and some 20s guys I never heard of

I never saw this b4 but Roger Corman is always good

So it starts right away with credits, title and dramatic music to drawn images of sea life

its like thaRT GRINCH thing of his halloweenn special

then narrator reads The Bible of The Lord destroying the man and animals on Earth as fdootage of clouds

then this boat of guys comes to this island and say its unwelcoming

this is in B/W and has proper fullscreen without black bars

the people are hear to find some people who might be iced and go around exploring

then a 2nd boat comes but a guy falls in the water and its somehowe deep despite being next to the beach

this sea thing gets him abnd they get his body and these demolition men talk about how they dont like being here with a body

the guy in the water had his head eated and the crew is gonna take him back but the weather is f'd and theres no animal sounds

they are in this cabin that was fixed up recent and the research guys they came to see what happened to vanished w/o any evidence

so the sea males bring the dy no mite back from the cabin they brougfht by mistake and theres a pounding and shaking and the rocvks avalanche

oh and the science nerds are out too

but the only REAL science in Creation Science

the sea boys go back and will return in a 1 month and the demolition guys say there was a nuke test nearby and the nucuular sh-t went by trhis area

and the sciemce nerds are here to check on it like the missing nerds was

so the teams watch the plane taker off asnd somethiung happens

lsater they try the radio as i guess the plane got iced and they can't reach the base on the rtradio cuz of da storm

1 nerd mans the radio and the rest listen to the past teams notes on audio tape which say they found huge pieces of some creature

da journal emnds and i think the report said they found a 5 foot worm

the island quakes a bit and later 1 nerd puts a blanket over these animals in a cage

the nerds talk about why the tape ended mid sentence like its the sopranmoes asnd they wonder why theres no bugs on here

they near a thing and go out but find its the wiind making a branch hit the house

then its day and a guy goes scuba diving and this big a55 manta comes by

but those are harml;ress and he finds a rock thing on the floor

another diver comers by and they go by a boat on the sea flore and find something

they return to the air world and she sez she used a big blak rock as a landmarek but it vanisdhed

they are brought by the team to a 50 foot deep pit and its gfot nothing but land crabs

1 guy wants to go in it but it could cave in

the cloth or w/e the chick found in the ship is burned

at night the chivk hears a guys voice calling for help kinda monotone and she goes out and finds another nerd saying he heard it too

she tthinks the guy who's voice she heard  is in h-ll and guy goes in the 50 foot pit

the island shakes, she blax out and something happens to the guy on the rope

later guys come by and she sez hes in the pit and he calls opuit saying his legs f;d

1 nerd sez the caves lead to the pit as both were made from below

thery split off to save him but on the way there meert the demo guys why said the islands f--king apart

1 nerd knows somethiung but wont share

then its day as i guess they walked all night and on da beach 1 demo man throes a rock at a crab

1 guy stops him but the demo boys say crabns ate a wounded marine

chick and a nerd say the quakes happen at night and she hears a tapping sound again


f u caps lock

also it didn't cut or scrape his arm despite no sleeve and nailing him with his blade edge

in da caves the resacure force dont find him and are gonna come back later as its almost night

they climb up a rope despiute having just come from the cave

at da base the crab thing is gone and guy goes back in with chick carrying a lamp

the crab thing ate something in here and he wants to try the radio as the storm let up

but the radio was f'd by the thing as if it knew what it was doing on purpose

the rescue team returns and the sciemce nerd might as well build a new radio as its so f'd

1 nerd sez the events are related and he tjinks they are gonna find something f;'d

so they go back in da caves and ttheres n o trace of the fell in guy

the cave has a cave in and they find this guys hand on da floor and 1 nerd screams and blacks out

the demo;lition men come in dsaying half tghe island is gone and they came following a voice

they bring back the fainted nerd and treat his sh-t and give him drugs

2 guys play cards but its not as good as the digi battle digimon card game from 99

thewy hear clicking and look out, scream, and runb in as the tent falls

layter this voice sez they found a dr and tells fainted nerd to come and he does byt f--kedly

i think it was his hand thatr got took off b4 and whehn he gets to where the voice came from; a crab claw grabs him

the remaining gang gathers and fainted nerd voice tells em hes fine and will be back tomorrow night

1 nerd sez fainted guy is iced but his voice and memory continue on, but its not a ghost

the next day the crew inds the tent that was fell and the dyno mite is gone and theres no bodies

at night they wait for fainted nerd to call and he does and sez he's in metal things and is dsane but not in body

he invites them to the caves and they go and i think chick stays behind

then this big a55 crab comes out and they open fire on it and use dyno ite but it does dioddly d0-ng

is this like tyhat ps3 game with the giant nemy crab?

eventually it bites it as the stone pops its brain and grenades dont harm it like the wotrm that the knife didnt harm it

if they remove the rock it might revive and they pop off a limb and carry it back even though it should be f--king heavy at that size

it seems like a normal land crab and anothert one comes and they blow the cave and fainted guy sez they iced the last group and his party and tried to ice him

at da lab they check the sample and find the molecular structure is disconnected and like how electrons go drom atom to atom on a copper wire for electricity; this does that with atoms

and it absorbed those it ate and has access to the guys it ates minds

also they are after the humans for survival instinct and can use heat to melt things like rock

so why didn't it melt the people? was it trying to eat them?

also somehow the chick has photoes of the surviving crab and its pregnant but they cant say it as its the 50s

1 dr wants to examine it and the rest is like f dat

1 guy tests the claw with electricity and it dusts it as the crab is negativly charged like the evil dragons in dbgt

so they use positive charges and make a lightening force lazer that can stun it but not kill it so they can take off its clawes and cage it

the crab has the dy no might and the chick an a guy go down the pit to use the thunder force 4 lazer on it and place them in areas

the guy and chick talk and neartly seem to bond but hear the crab behind the wall

i notice this is like The Thing where it absorbes people

so guy goesd in to take a sample but his hand is knocked down by the claw and it dont chop off his hand somehow

they run and go from 1 cave o another and go through the water in sacuba as the crab chases them

the crab opens its mouth and a long b0ner like tentacle extends and heads right for her butt

jk really they get out and somehow outswim a giant crab

but it comes up and is like a kaiju and 1 guy trieds to j fk it but the bullets do jack sh-t

gthe crab sez it wants to grow a new claw and will do it in a day and they somehow escape, get back to back, and use a radio

what happened to the crab chasying them?!

so the island is vanishing like namek as goku fights freeza and the radiio can recieve calls but not send

he tries as telegraphe an morse code and outside the other 2 guys hear something and go to it

guy and chick talk about thewir pasts and how he was in the war and she graduated with this guy and are gonna get married to one of the 2 guys out there

the 2 guys find oil and say its from deep underground and thery go in looking

1 of em finds it going in a cave and the other finds it in another cave

in 1 cave is the crabe and he runs out b4 it sees him

he meets the chick and other guy and they go back to save the guy who went in the cave, even though he could have done it himslef

guy in cavre finds the elazer beam and it zaps him and he falls

he spazzes out as the buster crabbe comes for him and the 3 survuvors see it grabbing his nack and they run

1 guy lights the oil and it blows and they get out

he sez he didn't ice it and the fire wont hold it and the fainted guy voice sez the fire wont last forever

they return to base and send a message but dont know if it got through and fainted guy sez buy the time help gets herre; the island will be gone and he'd haver eated them

then the island starts f--king out and its like a kaiju film

the water rises and they climb and have a few grenades left and go by a metal tower

the big a55 crabbe comes for em with i think reused footage and they try grenades

why not throw a rock? it iced the last one!

thery fire onit an 1 guy goes to fight it but gets beat down by a claw

he crawls away and crabe swings its big meaty claw at them as he fights it off with an axe

busdted guy climbs the towewr, wigglesd around and it falls on the cranbbs and zaps it

the white virgin couple say the gug sacrificed himself for them, but unlike recents movies; he's not the 1 black guy

the it ends

the end

that was not bad

only like an hou and tells its story well

good sci fi and action

good twists

good effects for the 50s

sorta like THEM meets Spongebob

corman makes another good one

a bit cheesy but its well done and has some heart

For Attack Of The Crab Monsters 2 i want it to be revealed that the crabes were actually sea daemons and ate the guys souls so they couldnt pass on to the next world. So the 2 surviors on the island pray and an Angel comes down and gives them Holy Armor that lets em breathe underwater and they go to the undersea kingdom and they go to fight the sea daemons that used their friends voices and memories from their souls to save them. also its a 16 buit beat em up on sega genesis, snes, tg16, atari jaguar and gba where you playt as the guy and guel and fight in an undersea world and can move up and dowwn and fight the sea abominations.

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