Thursday, November 18, 2021

The Conquest Of The Pole Review

 Notw; i spell as scientiffically accurate as this movie is

The Conquest Of The Pole

This is my review on The Conquest of the Pole from 1912 which was 100 years beforfe the world ended

its based on the works of Jules Verne and was directed by George Melies who was one of the 1st guys to use special effects in films

It stars no one I heard of and was also inspired by the 1800s dudes trying to get the the north pole in the 1900s

So as its based on real sh-t they can put it on the hostory channel like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Silence of the Lambs and 2001 A Space Odyssey

But unlike those; this isn't cr-p

btw this is is german or w/e so imma have to read the wikipedia thing

So after title and sh-t we get trhe explorers club where these guys who probably knew slaves are hanging out and talk about how to get to da north pole

do they wanna meet santa?

they show posters of various vehicles and some look like some kind ofg G I Jow toyu

1 guy wants to make an aero bus that has a bird head and design like its a transformer

then the feminists come in who wanna go to the pole toprove they can do stuff guys can do

the club drives their b--chy a55es out and strows paper at them and the cops hold em off

if only we stood up to feminists today instead of giving in to their demands and devolving our protoculture

so the club goes with the aero plaine plan of mr maboul who does a silly dance and hops around like a cartoon

a diverse group of guys is chosen to go to the pole like its the power rangers and all groups are represented

even in the 1900s they were doing it

so they go to a room and maboul shows them a model the size of a double bike of his aero polaine and shows off how it has folding wheels and a prop[ellor on the top like a chopper

yeah but can it link to Star Saber and fly faster than sound like Victory Leo?

so they use an electric powered factory to build the machine and its got these sppinning and pumping machines

the background is drawn on but it works

women sew the cloth for it and a frenchie with a beard trys smooching a girl but she beats him off

maboul shous his homies the building of it and they are dressed in traditional outfits like justin trudeau would wear if he went there

the feminists have made their own flying machine somehow and its got party balloons and propellors and skis and the humans drive em off and carry off their cr-pmobile

so they have finished the aero plaine andits got a propellor on the side by the door what seems to do no use and has a box in it for carrying people liek an 1800s stagecoach

the feminists wanna go on but are taken off by cops as in the 1800s we were smarter

the airero ship tsakes off and other guys try going to the north pole in a balloon, whichj will probably kill them from trhe cold as its high in the wind and uncovered

the balloon has a stow away and the ballloon guy drops it and i think its the feminist who falls and slams into a long hard pole and she pops like a bag of powdered sh-t

the baloon goes up and pops and goes down in flames

1 guy made a phaIIic car and other guys made other cars to drive to the north pole as i guess they can drive over water

we get miniatures driving over rocky areas and flling through a bridge and probablyu biting it in the chasm

so we get a fleet of various ships like some kinda power rangers thing and all trying to get to the pole

holy cr-p how did all these different guys make air ships and all launch at the same time?!

Its like in Mobiule Fighter G Gundam how all these Gundams spammed out to fight in the final fight!

The its the end of reel 1 and the start of reel 2

oh and all these guys coming out with their own thing to compete with this other guy is liek all the ninja turtles clones like Cheetah Men or Battle Toads or Biiker mice from Mars or Street Sharks or Extreme Dinosaurs

Or all the Pokemon clones like Robopon or Metal Walker or Fighting Foodons

so the aero plane bird thing goes on and goes by constelations which are the stars and drawing of what they are overlayed on the film and they dodge a shooting star (dragon in attack mode) that was coming from the grouind and arcing under them somehow

is something firing at them from the gbround lik in star ship troopers

he goers by another constellation, 1st was pices then libra, then mor shooting stars

then they bump into a planet that pops into smoke dust

either the sun or a u fo or an angel or beyblade or beywheel spins by with sparks shooting out and then they goi by the big dipper with chicks holding the stars

then scorpio that moves around like a paper cup out puppet and it p[unches the ship with the stinger

the ship flips but rightd and goes on and theres lightning

thery find the north star i  think which is held iup by 2 chicks and go by some 3 ringed planet with chicks holdiong stars

they make it to the great white north and its a big icy wasteland of shards oif broken ice and tall ice things

they land and dont seem to worry abnout the cold and wander around and dance

then from behind this ridge arises this huge f--king ice giant!

whwere the f--k did that come from?!

I mean this wasn't 100% scoientiffic, but still man

its made using a huge puppet with multiple people in it like the Queen in Aliens

its got a pipe which is short off buy a guy with a gun and the people attack it

it grabs em and gobbles 1 up

1 guy gets a cannon and fires on it and the grabbed people escape

they fire what seems like a scattershot and it covers its ears and the guy it swallowed crawled out as he didn't chew his food

so the ice giant sinks offscreen and the people cheer and go onward

they find a magnetic needle thats the north pole and they somehow are sucked to it and stick on

it falls in the ice water and this other aero ship comes by as the ice water guys wave a french flag

the ship comes down anfd lowers a rope ladder and 1 guy crawls out as i guess the magnetism doesn't wortk in water

oh and the guys planted their countries flags by ther needle and they weren't moved for some reason

as thery go up, therre's sudden;y sealsd, white birds and penguins, even though those are at the south pole; thre opposite side of the planet!!

What next? Mastodons in Australia?!

then we get the maboul at the pole showing a glode and putting a thing on top

then he's in civilization and bows with his homies having come home a hero

the end

That was pretty good

nice half hour film with cool for their time efects and clever ideas

Its based on Jules Vernes The Adventures of Captain Hatteras and The Sphinx of the Ice Fields which was a sequel to the Edgar Allen Poe movie i mean book The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym of Nantucket

huh, the ice giant was basded on native and russian and nordic legends of tall cold monster people that eat people

Who know's whats up there, we know more about da moon than da north

overall this was a nice 1910s film and holds up well

it goes on an adventure and is a good ride

no musuic or much acting or chharacters or bad romance subplot tacked on

no forced sad moment 75% THrough the film

and it dont drag

its better than most things today

Glad I saw it

For The Conquest Of The Pole 2 I want it to be the 30s aND Humans are colonizing the Nortj Pole and having clashes with the snow giants who live there. Also are Mammoths they keep as pets andthem having snow weapons like icicle bazookas. Its also a 16 bit Run N Gun game on Segas Genersis, Snes, TG16, Atari Jaguar and GBA where you play as these Alaska bada55es who use electric guns that can use sonic and fire attacks and you fight through the ice giants animals and people who betrayed the human race as they think the ice monsters aare the good guys.

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