Saturday, September 14, 2019

2012 Review

note; i spell like its 2012. in a bad anime!
this is my review on 2012 from the distant future year of 2009
its ditected by the guyb who did indepen dence gay, the 90s godlinlia and the day after tomorowew
most critics hate his films as they dont make sense but they make money
as does p0rn0
so this film  was on the hiostory channel in 2013 because they dont care
might as well have transformers the movie, it was set in 2005 (and was good)
i've never seen this b4 but i heard it was a55
so it starts like dbz ep 001 in space with solar flares, then its a rainy day in some 3rd world city in 2009
so this black guy meets soome friends and goes down into an underground mine
they find the sun is f ing out more than ever
so global warming is caused by the sun and not carbon going from 0,.002 to 0.003 (the dreaded 50 % increase)?!
oh its microwaving da earth core and heating it up
that dont make sense
wont it cook us b4 it nukes da core?!
later black guy goes to a white male politician who dont care about his findings
just like day after tomorrow and maybe indepancencce day
white guy takes him to da presadsent and later theres malcontents protesting the g 8
its 2010, the year transformers season 3 happened in japan and robotech season 1 was in
black guy goes to the g 8 and sez da world is ending
so is it like the rapture or something?
can we pray it away?
so da ritch pay people to help em as that money is gonna be so useful in the mad max/fist of the north star waste;and warrior world coming
then its 2012, after the 1st robotech war and transformers the headmasters and john cusack wakes up late for something
he dont notive the ground cracked a lot
is this, it is... soviet california
the state where they decriminalized aids spreading but give jail time for plastic straws
plus all the degenerates b0ning people w/o consent
i say we get all the good people like tommy wiseau and weird al out, and let it go out sodom and gomorrah style
as they were only destroyed after all 4 good people left
so joan cukas pix up his kids who dont get allong with him from his ex wife and her new bf and its totally not like war of the worlds with tom cruise which would be copyright ifringement
then a boat in the ocean gets ricked by a minor wave
this frenchie calls a chick hes probably b0ning about how something gon happen and his car blows
its the queen and hes this centuries daiana!!
so jonnhy kukaku is driving to go camping and da radio sez; go see yellow stone blow
when it blows you all go to h-ll!
h e double calefornia!!
oh f
the frenchie bit it in the same tunnel the queen wacked diaiana!!
it was a hit!!
like gacy getting all those teens in his place!!
so black guy is now da prez i think and he tells gis daughter that only a few people know somethings gonna happen
like robotech with the zentraedi?
and i thought it was just independence day that ripped off robotech!
the director of this probably watechs it and j-rks off to lancers shower scenes
so joan crukic finds a fence and over it is a place a lake was
if theres a fence, its there for a reason
so da gov gets johnne and his kids and at yellowe stone the gove finds its f'd
wait, yellowstone is in california??
i thought it was in the east
joan meets a guy there who knows his books and gets along with him
so the mine from b4 is heating up and they had to seal it
so joanh is let go and meets a conspiricy guy who laffs at the story da gov gave him
so johms a cr-ppy dad and his son dont respect him
who writes these movies?!
everything is about daddy issues
i blame the wiener kids who did drama and math instead of sports
they failed their dads and their blame dad for not liking their cr-piness
so john talks to conspiricy guy and he sez its end of da world
but downplays the bible and says its da mayans
he did a cr-ppy animation of it with evolutionist facts
da earth core wull melt and the crust will float around
that dont make sense
and he sez da gov will keep it a secret and ice anyone who knows
like with r fk taking out marlinin mobonie
and 1 guy who got j fk'ed sent conspirircy guy a map to a space ship
and they selling seats to da richest
and he tells johnie to gtfo
so ex wife and heer lusty bf talk about how cr-ppy john cusak is and the store they in starts cracking
odds are hes done
the store craks open and a huge chasm opens near em
so the store crack makes the news and joan kid sees it on tv
the leaders have a meeting and say they gotta evaculate
so then we getta boxing match with this sooviet guy and his owneer gets a call and books it and his blonde bimbo russian wife/gf
so john comes home to wifes place and dumps his wiener kids off
i thought this movie had cities collapsing
we're an hour in and nothing happened
and not like alien where its cool and atmospheric
or halloween or x men 1 where its a slow build and release
so soviet guy and his bimbosend john cusic to get soviet kods
they are cick suckers and tell curic they are gonna live on a ship and he will bitte it
he realizes the ctazy guy is right cuz some soviet brat insulted him and rents a plane to get him and his fam out
he calls hia ex wife and she dont believe him like everty movie like this
then theres a quake and joan gets his fam outta da house as it crumbles
he dtuves like a drunk as the citty falls apart behind him and hes just ahead of the falling road
theres traffic so he goes on da lawns
also all the destruxtion is bad cgi
he makes a bunch of last second ecapes with going under crumbling bridges and skidding past big holes
so they get to da plane and take off as the groud falls behind em and through the falling city as building nearly crush em and blow
its like in sonic when you walk on a breakable ground and it crumbles as you jump away
he tells his woman about the crazy consopicy guy in da woods and the ships as they watch california go back to h-ll from wence it came
so black guy from the start talks to his dad whos in the white house and not prez and tries to haveca tender moment
sp joane goes to crazy guys place and finds hes got a message playing
he finds hom on a mountain with a transmiotter and saying worfs to da people about following their various gods
then yellowstone starts spazzing out and hes probably on drugs as he chooses to stay and die
a good ref to people choosing to stay sinners instead of accepting salvation
so craxy guy bites it with a smile as a rock sends him to h e double new york
whos in this?
woody hartelson is the conspircu guy and danny glover from saw id the president
and thats the only omes i know of
alsoit was banned in north korea as 2012 was the 100th anniversary of their founders birth
at least they didnt censor the ninja turtles fighting with sausages as it was too much like nunchaku like the soviet republic of england
so joan drives back to da plane and flaming rocks fall at him buut every one misses
also he jumps a crevasse like in speed with the RV
so johan falls in a hole and they start lraving but they cant kill him as hes da hero and he runs to a moving planeto catch up and jump in
so they escape from the ash cloud which shoul kill them and the engines and take off
aparently, john ggot thr map to the place they have the starships
they gotta go to china
john; we're gonna need a bigger plane
good this that line wasnt used in jaws or speilbueg woyld sue
so south america gets f'd
white guy sez they are gonna try something for the people after everyone is on the starship
prez sez to his son that his wife sed they otta have a lottery, so anyone has a chance to escape
but if the smartest most slilled get on, its better for everyone
otherise u might as well roll dice
so da prez stays behind to bite it and the vice went out
the sppeaker of da house is gne and wjire guy from b4 tells black guy they iced all those people who were gonna teell
so prez tells his daughter hes oy coming in another sad moment
then gives 1 last speech very similar to independence day
soo john  crawfoeed goes to aiporte and meets soviet guy and they need a  copiolot and they use the piilot they have
they take off, go down,, and pull up as the city crumbles around em
then in asia, 2 monks talk and 1 gives the other a key
he goes down and chats with a geezer chick who takes off a chickens head offscreen
i saw my grampa take one off at age 4
on da plane johns woman chats with the soviet binbo who isnt married and living in sin
soviet guy payed 1 billion euro per seat
so they gon refuel in hawaii and its all f'd out with fire and brimstone
so blacjk guy and his sister chat about saving art insatead of people
and how john chiuikc who wrote 1 cr-pppy book maKING it on da ship
so 1 guy calls his son who has a japanese daughter
but japan hates mixed race japanese and froreigners
then ttheir place is f'd and theyb all bite it
so washington gets hit by da quake and all leaders expect italys come by as italy is lead by a man of faith
then japan and italy get f;d
at least austria is safe
thats 1 3rd of the axis
then a boat goes f''d by a wwave
poseiden adventure 2012
so joang cukik chatas with his ex wife for a bit about life and cr-p
so the poles have flipped and theres no word of anyone from land
and they running outta fuel
but the world shifted so they are closer than they thought
but then the engines f out and they go down
so they drive out in the socviet guys cars he had on da plane
then thertes choppers carrying elephants in the himelayasa which are ok with the snowy weather and high wind chill
so soviet guy ditches his bimbo after revealing she was b0ning the soviet polit
take dat 5kank!
so theres multiple space ships names ark 1 2 3 ect
no wonder this wss on the history channel
its based on Noah's ark
sorta like East of Eden is based on Cain and Able
but with Cain as the hero
What next? Sodom and Gomorrah from the POV of the sodomites??
also its revealed that joahn cuhaik did work on the bimn=bo
or maybe the pilot
not sure
also it turns out that only ther genetically best can go on as they were chosen by genetiscits
sounds like selective breeding
but when the germans did it in ww2 its seen as bad
also the 3rd world guy didnt get saved and gets wiped out by a tidal eave
just like in deep impact and maybe the day after tomorrow
and the super wave is comming in 28 mins
just charge ur ki and blast it away
so da monk brings john and friends over and the guard wont let em in
so they get in andfind the spaceships aere actually boats called arks
but they start ;eaving w/o the rich societ and the other s
and john and his homies get on
bimbo sees her dog names caesar like the fata55 in urotsukidoji III and he comes when she whistles
people falling off cliffs and a dog is ok as dogs are superior to humans to soviet hollywood
black guy sez they shouldnt let all those people bit it and white guy puts the needs of the survival of humanity over a few dinks
black guy sez cr-p about his 2rd world homie who bit it after discovering the secret that saved em
he gets em to let all those guys on
as the gates open some guy with john gets ground up in the gears
totally not like final destination 04
john is nearly crushed but the item of the gound up guy stops it somehow
soviet guy throws his son on the boat and falls to his end
so they cant close the gate and cant leave with it unsealed
they check the cams and findsee john and kids
and theres 1 min til the wave wastes em
it hits and water gets in da boat
so the hatches lock and seal a chick in this water area but im not sure who
btw these huge boats is a lot like the sdf 1 in robotech
and theres 3, just like robotech
so ship breaks loose and cant engine with the gate open
also theres a mountain they gonna hit
its everest
i should note that there is a whole ocean of wwater under the earth crust
so johnnyes kids are running outta air and we get a 3rd sad moment where jogn talks to his son then goes under water to save his fam
i dont get this
is he going through pipes?
oh hes trying to ungum the machine
if he had a switchblade he could cut it
so john and his son clear the gearand they get the engine working just in time
so after a brief fake out, hojn is ok
days later they meet up with ark 6 and 7 and the air is clear
john and ex reunite and they look at a new world
africa is now the talllest in da urth and the water is gong back
the end
that wasnt too great
i mean the 1st half is a crawl and the action is brief
its now horrible but its not very good
they story is predictable and standard and its like watching a bad mishmash of better shows cr-pped together
i didnt hate it
but i didnt care for it much
also; why did the melted core unmelt after only a few weeks?
did the sun siuddenly stop blasting it?
for 2012 2 i want them to reach land but find sea daemons have taken over the land and were revealed to be the cause of the core issues as they opened it up to the sun. the gov knew about them and was prepatred for it with hidden exosuits in the arks and the people fight the sea daemons with mech exo suits. also some people side with the demons as they dont think humanity is worth saving. alsso its a beat em up mech game on sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar,gba and tg16.

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