Monday, September 9, 2019

Captain Phillips Review

note; i spell better than pirates... i think...
captain phillips
this is my review on captain phillips from 2013
its about how tommy wiseau created the phillips cd-i and the controversy of its spoon based controller
nah its about some guy who got enslaved by africa pirates in 2009
it stara tom hanks who won the oscar for getting aids and a bunch of people i never heard of
its directed by paul greengrass (which sounds like a p0rn0 name) who did a few jason bourne films
so it staets in soviet vermont in the distant furure year of 2009 where tom is readying for a trip
hes got a wife and she worryies about him going on these trips
hes worried about his j-rkoff kids skipping class and how today's world is higher competetion than his in the 30s or w/e
meanwhile, in the 3rd world, people live in pretty much mad maxwarriors on vehicleswith weapons coming to villages and wanting slaves
they want the people to steal ships to plundar
also i tjhink they have drug plants they grow and eat to boost their aggression
just play super mario 64
that game is a55
so they go out in cr-pmobile boats and this just went waterworld
maybe if they evolve they can get gills?
so tom shows up in the 3rd woeld or somewhere near it and gets on a boat to drive
takin diss tanka ov petrol
they're going to go past the 3rd world country the mad maxers are in
tom wants all the pirate cages locked so they dont get raided and b0ned dead
here's an idea; have some armed guards on board
or at least train the crew how to fight or use guns
h-ll give em a samurai sword
anything for self defence
otherwise its like destination truth wher they go out to the jungle,, unarmed, looking for sasquatch or dinosaurs
if they do find something, thats the end of them
look at kiing ong; they had a machete and held off the ape
so tyhe 3rd worlders use a radio tio find 1 ship is alone
the next day the pirates attack and the ship gets ready for an encounter
i never saw this b4 but i expecty a big errol flynn sword fight like in the 30s
they seem pretty calm for facing some violent malcobtents headed for em
they are gonna hold em off wih hoses
i'd perfer flamethrowers but i guess they are putting the malcontents lives above their own
also theres a new ship near em
maybe they should launch a few fighters and ready the main gun?
this isnt robotech!
huh, the boat is called the alabama
in forrest gump, tom hanks played a confederate boy
its conected!!
so the boats get closer and they realiz its armed pirates
tom bluffs em by talking to himself on the phone in 2 voices and pretending to have back up coming
the pirates get scared but 1 boat continues
tom u dumba55! oprn fire on em!!
tom moved da boat right so it makes a wave that stops the purates
later tom tells his crew they did well but 1 guy sez the pirates will return
tom aez hes gonna hold em off by shutting down and waiting for help
and when they say they dont like it, tom sez they can go home after the mission
we need a strong leader who kicks a55
like anatole leonard or rick hunter
not some candy a55 who tries to make peace with gacy
at night 1 3rd worlder kills another for getting in his face
is this like transformers the movie how it shows the difference between leadership of the good and bad guys?
later its day and the pirates attack again
why not run em over?
ur boat is bigger than theirs
the pirates claim to be the coast guard
just raise the shields so they blow apart upon impact
they dont believe em and the piratex open fire
tom uses the hoses to stop em bt it does diddley d0ng
tom then fires a flare gun at em
whhy not a REAL gun?!
is this a brittish boat?!
the pirats try getting a ladder on and the tom trys to shake em off
it dont work and the pirates board
ur f'd tommy boy!
the pirates ditch their cr-pmobile boat, implying they have no intent to leave
viking style
tom tells the crew to hide in the ship and the pirates shoot off the locks on the cages
didnt this happen in that steven segal film under seige?
if only jean claude van damme was here
he;d do the splits and punch em in the parts!!
so the pirates get to the head rule i mean room and talk english to tommy
they anna know how much they an jack from the boat and tom tells em its american
if they b0ne tom hanks, who gives who aids?
the boat f's out and head pirate sez hes capyain now
good 4 u starscream
he hoes on the p a and sez every min he ice someone
they take a guy there hostage and wants the crew to come out
tom talks him into searching the ship
he tells em where he's gonna search and mrntions the emergency power with his hand on the intercom speaker so the crew hears em
btw this is what happens when there's no good guy with a gun
star wars where only the empire has blasters
the pirate keeps wanting to check the engine room but tom comes up with excises not to
in the galleyhe averts them from a guy in the cold storage with excuses and topic changes
they go on and storage guy tells the crew to break glass as one guy is barefoot
they get there and barefoot cuts up his feet
starscream is onto tommy and is gonna search da room even with barefoot all mutiilated
storage guy is maknf sounds to mislead the guarrds and hits the power box to kill the lights and escapes b4 guard gets him
starscream sends tom up with barefoot and looks areound in da dark
in the dark a crewgy wastes him
wait; they chop him up a bit and take him hostage
then call on the intercom to ttade him
tom wants to give him 30 000 $ and a life boat which starscram GREES too
but 1 guy wants millions
greedy degenerate
they are gonna leave and they catch storage guy
the crew brings up staracres but a guy wants to take tom hiostage
tom shows em how to do the lifeboat and crew sends in starscream
they beat out tom, eject the lifeboat and get away
looks like ur fd tommyboy
maybe if the crew had firearms and training they could've picked em off b4 they got there
a military ship is sent to save tom
also the alabama boat goes after tom to the 3rd world
tom tells thee piratres his boat was bringing food for africans
tom gets a 1st aid kit for barefoot to fix his chopped up feet and treats it while being nice to him
also the navy seals are heading for the rescue
good guys with guns
later its day again and tom has some water but they take it and say its only for them
later america authorized any means to resolve it
so 1 guy sez he can get 6 million $$ for tom
later theres an arguement over letting tom talk and sudenly, a boat is next to em
also its night
they chat with the boat and its the US Navy
they say if the Navy tries anything they'd ice tom
but if they ice him theyres no reason not to shred em
they send guys on the ship at gunpoint and pirates bring out tom who sez hes in seat 15
pirates barter for 10 million $$ and a gun next to tom goes off and everyone spooks
tom tells Navy hes ok and pirates book it
1 pirate sez he always wanted to go to america
tom trys to talk sense into them to surrender as the Navy won't let em get away
they dont care as they "came too far" and continue on their dark path
later its soviet night time and tom goes out to whiz.
he shoves barefoot in the water and makes a swim for it
my cable box updated right after he dove in so i think i missed some as it needs to do this every night at 3 am
they try to kill tom instead of letting him return to his family as they are inhuman mnsters with only evil in their essense
tom goes back to the life boat and takes a guy with him
but guy pulls hiim back
they beat on tom and in the real verasion i think they were b0ning him
then a chopper from the Navy comes at em
1 guy pulls tom out with a gun to his head
a good sniper could oick that guy off and save tommy
get the guy who did j fk
the real guy
not that lee marvin or w/e
they get tom to tell em to stand down and tom sez starscreams not just a fisherman
then a negotiator calls and sez he knows who they are and names em and that they contacted their tribes elders
so later the Navy meets with the purates and tellls tom to stay in his seat
barefoot is brought on the Navy boat to meet the elders but none are there
the Navy blasts them with high octane light and they cant see
then they tow them on a cable
so they eventually start tieiing up and beating tom hanks and probably b0ning him in the real version and string him up blindfolded by his arms
the Navy shreds the pirates with gundire and tom is safe
tom freaks out and they arest barefoot
the dr's check out tom and he's having ptsd from nearly being killed by those animals
text sez tom returned to his fam and later to sea and barefoot was tried and haas 35 years in jail dropping the soap
the end
i liked this
good drame. good plot. good plans and actions of the heroes
no tacked on love story. no tacked on sad moment. nno doofy kids eating screentime
grown men fighting and outamarting grown men and dealing with pg fights and action
sorta like robotech ii the sentinels
not much to say but its just well done
oh and as its a true story it'll wind up on the history channel
for captain phillips 2 i want him going on another mission and this time, he's ready for pirates. when a swarm of pirates finds out he's on this boat, they attack with full forces and try to bring him down for him being part of their homies being taken out. but now he's hit the gym and roided up into a big buff hulk hogan like guy who now has his crew packing heat! most of the film is sending out armed speeder boats with nail guns and flamethrowers to take out the pirate ships while wearing kevlar gear. also when the pirates get on the boat he takes em on in hand to hand combat and uses a hammer to mash em up. its also a 16 bit game on sega genesis, snes, gab, atari jaguar and tg16 where you play different levels of taking on pirates and fighting over several days of levels of battle.

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