Saturday, October 10, 2020

Turbo Review

 note; i tupe fast


this is my revirew on turbo from 2013 (the year after the 1st robotech war and the mayan apocalypse)

it stars ryan reynoklds. pual giamatti, damleyu l jackson, bill hader, snoop doogg, ben schrawrtz, michalle rodriguez, kurtwood smith, and a unch more

i nver saw this bb4 but its started and i gotta dget it on

so it starts with a nascar thing and a snaiil watching a vhs tape of ity 

snail wants to be fast even though he's a snail

he trains to work att becoming faster ven though theres no slime trail

remember that kids show franklin ith all the animals are named adter their species?

bear, goose, beaver, ect

well snail i think qwas meant to be a cripple

worst idea; franklin; the movie! its a darker edgier take on the series. franklin is a bada55 snapping turtle with battle scars. bear is the muscle of his group. snail is a guy who is missing his arms and legs but is a master strategist. they are fighting daemons in a post apocalyptic future and use big guns that shoot hexagram and swastika bullets to kill the daemons. they fight in battle mech armor exosuits and are fighting to free the planet from being slaves to the daemons.

so kater  the sanils are geting toomatoes and they keep splattering

who cares if they spltter?! they eat with their feet!!

main snail named turbo like the reboot guy  races a tomato as it rolls

so turbo is disgruntled over being made fun of for wanting to be fast and his fat homie wants him to accept his fate

one way out! (puts gun in mouth)

a toddler goes by on a tricycle and the snails fear it as it might eat em like phil and lill from rgrats or w/e but turbo isnt afraid

later turbbo is watchhing tv (and itd a real tv, not thhose widescreencr-pmobiles) and it falls off the thing

so later a tomato rolls in the yard and they fear gettign it cuz the gardener is coming out

buncha candya55es!

so turbo eats time narrating b4 going to get th tomato as the gardener mows da lawn

he reaches it but the mower is gonna get him  and the other slug s save him with a garden hose blast

how did these dinks use a hose?!

so turbo is bummed out over  not being fast and wanders the neighborhood at night

then a bunch of homies jump him and start b0ning him all at once!!


so he truys witshing on a star but its really a jeet and he gets knocked around an area w/o breaking as snail shells are totally tough

he lands on a car hood and its a drag race and he feels speed (which should dry him out and kill him)P but gets sucked into the engine (which should kill him) and the nitro boost (which should kill him) gives him super powerrs

what is he?! dr manhatten from the watchmen?!

so the next day he wakes up and is in the place greased lightening fought  the other car in grease woth olivia newton john travolta and now he has eyes that work as flashlights and his a55 has lights on i

what is this?! earth worm jim?!  has he evolved?!

he goes home and at a meeting he plays radio and spazzzes out

the toddler tries to crush him (illing small aniamls for fun? he's gonna be a seriel killer) and turbo can move fast like he's the flash or quicksilver or the whizzer or w/e

after beating the otddler, he drives the tricylce and plows into the snails  home and the elders fire turbo and fata55

fata55 snaps and tells turbo off for being a dink and gets caught by a crow and turbo saves him after soome crows firhgt for him

just  likie land before time, the plant eaters are civilized and the intelligent predators are just animals

then this fata55 mexican catches em (is this soviet california?!) and take sem to this snail race where its like a prison and the snails all have shells with car parts on em

don't drop the soap

btw; in the 90s dub of sailor moon; melvin; i'll miss my snail watching club and i;m the only member!

so turbo whizzesaround at light speed and  and impresses em but fata55 homie thinks he's f;d and needs to be fixed

fata55 meico's bro  b---ches at him for nnot working and snail racing and fata55 mexico is shown to be a dreamer like turbo

so fata55 mexicano puts turbo to bed and the other prison gang snails come out and invites him to join their crew

he mouthhs off to em and they race to this star sigh  and the gang snaills get launched into a cable and grind it withsome kinda boosters in their shells and win

so laterfata55 mexico puts up a sign about the fast snail at their taco hut and wastes time waiting soome something to happen

so fata55 snail whines about turbbo being there and fata55 meico thinks fata55 snail is turbos gf and he bite him

spoiler; snails are hermaphrodtes and to breed, they fight and the losr has to be the girl

1st; thts like somthing outta 4hchans D thread

2nd; snails dont got teeth

so fat meico wanyts to enter a snail in the indy 500 and bro thinks its sh-t

as theres no rules against snails entering

wasnt therre a sonic ep where he raced that guy in a car?

so later turbo gets some car parts added to his shell to somehow go faster

so they go to the iindy 500 anc a car goesd 230 miles prowler

so fata55 mexico wants to register turbo but dont get it

the racer turbo likes is giving an interview  and turbo drivves over in fata55's pocket and fata55 introduces him and all laffs

then turbo whizzes around adimpresses all and makes 226 mmiles prowler

whats he powered byy? and how can he go fast if he's in fata55es pocket?!

so a wiener kid films it on his ell phone and spreads it in the internet likebutt damage among millennials and turbo becomes a hit

the ownwer of the indy 500 sez he wont let turbo in as hes a snail and thats racist, but the hero driver snail likes, stands uup for him and popular demand changes the official decision

so the mini mall plazza where the taco guys and their droogs work gets attention and fata55 snail sez its nnot safe as he's a snail and dont think he can do it

turbogoes and sees the heros car and chats with him and seems siinister for wanting to win a race that turbo is in

why is he bad?! they are doing the exact same thing?! trying to win a race!!

so its race day and fat55 snail gets caught by a kid and watches the race with him

the race happens but turbo is mallcontent and uneasy and after going through the puit crew, the samuel l jackson snail se; ur not a car so stop driving like 1

so he drives on the walls and under cars and does better and soon is catching up to hero but hero drives so debris flys into turo and he crashes

i guess hes got super endurance as he didnt splaytter and it looks like its over, but turbo goes back in the race

his powrs jerk on and off and he eventually is gonna get crushed by hero but rides in the whee and takes thr lead

hero trys to ice turbo but cuases a pile up

turbo wakes up and hsi shell is cracked (which should kill him) and there goes hs powers

he gievs up even through he's like a few feet from the end and fta55 homie gets the gon-ds to encourage his hoomie

he escapes and rides a balloon and does ninja movies to evade stuff and the gang snail homies ride crows so get them thereand encourage turbo to finish da race

somehow, the stands see this snail moving a mile away and cheers but hero starts pushing his cr-pmobile as it griinds on the pavement

as he's losing h openly trys to kill the snail but snail rools and wins

he lst to a crippled snail

worse than me being beat by a blind kid in yugioh

so the plazza guys get good business  and the snails in da garden get equip cards on their shells to be garbagemen or w/e and the snails are gonna race

fata55 meexicann gives turbo a new shell but he's healed

the gang snails have ricket boosters in their shells and they all rocket to the camera

then the title like its avatar

the end

then credits showing who was playing who to hip hop

that wasnt so bad

nice mild tvg kids movie

nothing too harsh or evil

it has some color and decent cg

for a lite kids movie, its not bad

and its decent acted and has good music and message

not realy hateablee

I kinda like these 2010s cg movies

forr turbo 2 i want turbo to start mutating into some kind of HP LoveCraft/ La Blue Girl abomination as an after effect of the thing that gave him powers. aso the gov is after him to try to use him to makke a thiing of speed sldiers to takke over America. And he goes around the country to get to their base and bbeat em. Also its a 16 bit Sega Genesis, Snes, Atari Jaguar, Tg16 and GBA game where you solve puzzles and fght gov guys woyyh mutation powers from being experimented on.

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