Sunday, February 13, 2022

Postal Review

 Note: I spell better than this moive wASA reviewed


This is my review on Postal from 1007 i mean 2007(the year Transformers Season 4 the Rebirth happened)

Its directal by Uwe Boll who is pretty much hated but I enjoyed a few of his sh-ts

It stars Zack Ward from A Chtrristmas Story (Good f--k! Did he get arrested for anime p0rno and needed money bad?!) Dave foley from A Bugs life, VChris Coppola from Spawn and Ringmaster, Jackie Tohn from Jem and the Holograms The Movie, j K Simmons from Spider Man 03, Vern Troyer from The Masked Rider, Larry Thomas from Seinfeld as the Soup Nazi, David Huddleston from Blazing Saddles, Seymour Cassel from Stealing harvard with Tom Green, Ralf Moeller from Glasdiatore, Michael Pare from The Lincon Lawher, Erick Avari rom Indepentece day ands the Glass House AND The Master of Disguise, Lindsay Hollister from Law and Order SVU(Its like p0rn0 with murder), Rick Hoffman fromThe Day After Tomorrow, Michael Benyaer from ReBoot as Bob, Carrie Genzel from The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, Mike Dopud from Maximum Overdrive, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever and Alone in the Dark, Richard Iasn Cox from Unuyasha and Bereaker High and some other homies i never heard of

Its based on a vbideo game that was banned in candy a55 countries for haviung violence in it even though those countriees histopries are FAR more violenty and el devianto

i never saw this b4 but i like cr-ppy movies so lets see if this is worth it

it starts wuth cvredits in the clouds and these guys gonna saxcrifice theirselves to get a bunch oif virgins and they talk about how many virgins they get

bob from reboot asks his boss hoi totally didnt work for the gov and he hears theres not many virgins left and they only get 20 so they decide to quit the kan=mikaze

but the passengers take over and the jet goes into the buildinmmg

then title and in a cr-ppy a55 trailer parkmain guy watches some funny comments as his ssbbw woman watches tv and b--ches

his milk went bad aND HE goes out to get some and steps in dog poop and the dog eats its own poop

that got me to laugh

this cowbow who looks liek a p0rn0 star sez yard poop is a trailer park violation and has a list of issues and he heard main guy b0ning his fat wife too loud

main guy mocksd cowboy fo being inbred and b0ning his sister and tells him he wasn't there when his wife was being b0ned

then we see a guy telling how space isnt real and the space missions were fake and at this convienence store is a group of religious malcontents base who dress like its their country

their gonna go on the offence when the thing they ordered arrives

main guy goes to work and on the wall is heads on sticks like its the 1800s under english reign  as its motivational and the fat chick from SVU is in the meeting

does Uwe Boll like fat chicks? I mean a lot of guys are into em, its pretty common

Look at my 600lb life how these huge girls have skinny bf's who feed and clean them

main guy sits in a chair and he applys for a job as his factory closed down and is kinda candya55 abbout it

he gets bquestions and most are cr-ppy and he cant take it ansd starts swearing at em

this gets him the job as his tiraDE MADE HIM BADA55, but then they say hes leading the list and theres 120 more guys to interview

thhey haver him sing their soul crushing company song and he hates the town

then theres a hippie convent and I think its a cult that hates America and the leader is in bed with a bunch of bimbos

the leaders n uymber 2 comes in and sends the bimbos out and sez they are low on money nd we see the leaders man thing and he takes a dump

turns out the irs wants their taxes as they didnt pay in years and ifd he doint pay 1.3 million he goes to jail

main guy walks and this guy wants money to take a bus to see his kids and as main guy dont got money; bus guy swears at tim for having a ghood job and car and house

then a cop car is stuck behiund an old asian lady who can't drive right and the gwerman cop says "she forgot her glass"

this sends the black cop into a tirade aboiuyt gaijin not learning english in an english speaking country, then regrets it and goes to hhelp her

she dont speak english or know that green light means go, which makes me wonder how she got a license, then again they gotta give it to gaijin or its "racist"

so he pulls it a shotgun (out of f--king thin air)and blows her back to h e double korea!

that made me laugh

by a coffee shop dick coxxx is in line in front of main guy and csan';t make up his mind so the coffee chick grabs his candy a55 and tells him off while givinbg him a normal coffee

main guy gets 2 lattes no foam and goes to see cult leader whos his uncvle and they chat about his hippie cult

leader got the idea from main guy to con these wieners and now he needs a partnet to get out of his money issues

in the past main guy was a wilder guy who 2x stole a flag from the govberners mansion but the 2nd time he got caught and cuz of a flag protection ammentment, gotn a record and couldnt get a college or joib good, so now he plays by the rules

so then main guy goes to the welfare office and 1 guy goes mental and pulls a gun as he had the wrong form and other guys start firingas the gov guys are behind billert proof glass(a commentary on socviety and gov, this moive is good now)

main guy gets numbers for who gets served next from the iced guys and a mall cop guard or w/e takes down the mental guy and beats his a55

he gets up to the window but they close(right after calling him) and he comes home tyo findhis wife being b0ned by the cowboy redneck

redneck comes out of the fat wifes room with a b0ner in his breifs and gets flour to use on her beer gut

main guy looks at his wedding photo before his womnan enfattened and goes out to call hhis uncle for a few hundred doillers to get outta town

bus guy coems asking for money and bus guy pulls a gun on main guy so main guy grabs it and bus guy pounches him to no effect

the gun goesd off and he wacks bus guy and main guy tells his unclem he's in

man we're like half an hour in

that felt like nothing

so then we get a message from the guy the ghoc said did ther building attak but its actually being filmed in the base in Amercia in the convienence store

he complains about howe the videos aint doing much nom one wants to kami kaze unless they get virginz

aslso he speaks without any accent and is liek a normal american, probably as he was trained by the gov and was never actually let go fromm their thing

the director sez they are gonna use these krotchy dolls the news was talking about a few times to ice people

So main guy beghs cult master for money to get out of town and unclen sez to let him butt hammer main guy

he's joking and sez he wantsa to sell krotchy dolls as an asian tanker of em sank with t\housands on it and 1 dioll sold for 4000$

Like beanie babies?!

So they are gonna jack the dolls from Little Germany and meanbwhile, outside the conviuewnence store bad guy base: the guy is basjhing President Bush Jr aND THE director of the bad guys wants the guy who said space is fake executed as hes onto em

main guy walks down the street as a chick is slugged out anbd stolen from and he goes to the conviuence strore and a bad guy comes out and hugs the space fake guy and blows

he buys something and goes by a wheelchair guy and moves him to the fence by a truick place and uses him like a ladder

after getting in he breaks into a truck with an item he got from the store and black cop who capped the korean c-ck sicker comes by saying "you got mu money" and brings him off in a van as main guy hotwires and bookss it in a truck

blackop brings wheelchair guy to his garage and puts a thing in his mnouth ands a blanket over him and leaves him in his garage for the night

cult master and main guy make a model of Little Germany and say their plan to jack the krotchy dolls using action figures and barbies

the bibmos like main guy as his actiuons are like the bible culkt master wrote for them and at the same time; the baddz are plnning to jack the krotchy dollz

Bush Jr calls the baddz leader about how baddz leader might wanna do an insurance claim after the oil pipeline gets f'd

then verne troywer is dropped off by bus 8 miles from the city and has to walk and the next day; the baddz are lost looking for the place to go to

in Little GHermany theres a lot of Gwerman Protpopcul;ture and WW2 refs andf its owned by Uwe Boll in a Cameo of himself like Tom Six Did in The Human Centipede 3

cuz a freighter went down with the krotcvhy dfolls, they only have em on sales in this park and the coffee chick is there as are the 2 cops and wheelchasir vegetable

Hih, according to wikipedioa: the gov banned Postal 2 in New Zealand, citing high levels of violent content and animal violence. Distribution or purchase for personal use is a criminal offense, punishable by up to 10 years in prison and a fine of $50,000.

10 years in jail and 50 grand for playing a game?! What is this?! The Soviet Union?!

blackop puts a hat on him and sends him on his way as Uwe Boll says he got his money from Nazi Gold and when e's in front of everyone he gets h0rny

So the cult master, main guy and some bimboes come out dressed sorta like nazies as the iinterviewer swears at his boss or w/e and there's a guy in a kortchggy doll suit that looks  like cartoonified man parts

Well, Uwe Boll IS German! Nudity isnt a big deal there, and much of europe

Just look at their art! Its all statues and paintings of naked men!

the bimboes come dressed with Hitler Moustaches and armbands and seduce the guards as the guys go in the building  with da dollz

Celeb guest Verne Troyer comes over as they ccouldnt get Gary Oldman I meanb Coleman and tthe bimboes move the krotchiue dsollz to da van

then the baddz come over and have weapons and the door in is locked

Uwe pays Verne with Gold Teeth from the camps and as the bimboes bring the doplls out; da baddz come in and the main guy and uncle cultor run as they tell cult second in command to cause a disterbance

he prays and the owner of postal the game gets p-ssed at Boll and fights him over f--kin up his game with a cr-ppy movie

I love how self aware this guy is

He knows people hate his films and he jokes of it

Glad to see he's not one of those elitist a55holes like leonardo decaprioi or jo a quin phoenux who whines about global warming, but takes a private jet across the earth to tell it

He's more like Mark Hammil as he has a sense of humor and don't takle himself super srs

So the guards pull the maKER OFF Boll and one of Makers droogs in a krotchy outfit pulls a gun and yells "For Video Games" and fires, hitting the wheelchair guy

The cops open fire and main guy got the gun and the cops and Boll open fire, hitting several kids

Then the baddz come in and open fire andd in the capping, Boll gets shot in the parts before saying he hates video games and dies

verne troyer puncxhes a kid in the parts while fleeing and drops his suitcase with a glow in the dark plastic d0ng and 2nd in command of cult packs him in it as verne turns on his plastic d0ng to light his way like gay p0rn0 rudolf

main guy runs into coffee chicxk and they escape to the truck and the badds try to drive but cantr find the keys

the cops chase the main guy truck and open fire on him for cappuing the vegetable as the baddz comer after them in a black car

the car chase rocks around the bimboes and main guy runs over the welfare chicvk who said they were close and she bounbces off several cars and the cops stop after nailing her and call in her bodfy as black cop is glad her didnt getta flat

at german land the reporters look at all the iced kids and 1 puts on a tackty show to feed off the damage while not caring of the victims

the main guy gets to the cult but the baddz took it over and didnt see em and 2nd cult commander sez theres an underground area there

they bring out verne and main guy goes thjrough topwn as the cops hold of a not matching pictuire of him and saying "he'sd known as postal dude"

they blamer him for stuff he didn't do like icing the asian chick they capped and 1 guy recognizes him aspostal dude and the crowd chases him, but the cops think its not him cuiz its not like the photo

he hides in the convienence store so he dont gotta clean the windows again and the crowd goes by

another black cop catches him buthe knocks him out and takes his outfit to sernd the crowd away

at the cult compand and sneaks around on the floor like A snake as 1 guy watches tv news saying comioc things

the cat comes by and he picks it up and uses it as a silencer by putting his gun up its butt to take out a guy

2nd in command and 1 bimbo upen the shelter area and cult leADER never knew of it

in it is supplies and weapons and is ready for the end times and cult leader bickers with verne

number 2 dont wanna sell the krotchy dolls as he wants to end the world

the badds say theres a buerd floo capsulers in the dolls and are gonna f up america with it and number 2 wants to use it to end the whole world

in cult leaders bible he wrote that as tiny entertainer will be raeped by 1000 monkeys and verner gets p-ssed and beats pon cult leader before breing thrown in a room full of monkerys in the base

the badds wanna do something but their leadert isin a leadership seminar 

cult leader is gonna go with number 2 and let everyone else bite it but number 2 misunderstood the cult bible anmd thinks he should take over

they make out violently and cult leader turns queer and is into fatties

number 2 caps him and he feels a chicks b00b to turn bi b4 he gets it

number 2 is gonna let main guy live til the flu gets him but he sez hes the only guy who knows where the truck is parked

number 2 is gonna find it himself and locks him in a room but main guy took something and macguyvers the wires and the thin he took to blow the door

the chix are gonna eat poiison browines when he gets back but main guy is gonna ice the badds and take ouitnumber 2

the chicks come with him and cap the baddz, which is a thing on american bikini babes vs guys who dont like women

the chicks decide to be chriatians and 1 makes out with him, then another aand 2 mins later; he armors up 

in town i think the grand dad from the wonder years is there talking about postaL DUDES B--CH AND HOW SHES FAT BUT GOOD AT B0NING, which I'm not sure fred savage would like to hear, but maybe deadpool could censor that part

the crowd comes for main guy and he dodges gunfire and he eventually takes a machine gun to em and shreds em like rambo

coffee chick and him get eaCH OTHER at gunpoint and he sez the plot of the movie and she dont buy it until the baddz come and they cap em

the baddz leaders credit card isas declined as ALL GOVES FROze his assets, so he jacks a copy and runs

main guy accudentally runs over a baby stroller and gets to his trailer with some big black guy b0ning his fat wife

oh its the cops and both are b0ning her and main guy rigs the trailer and blocks the door

guys open fiure on the main guys trailer, i think its the lyunch mob, and the bads come and open fire

redneck comes out and is shot threough the wall by number 2 with a gun on a vehicle whiuuch made me laugh

numbver 2 blaMES main guy for icing cult leader and main guy sez he's gonna blow the area with his remote to stoop em from icing him

he gives a speech that destroying the wortld for The Lord is wrong and the Creator gave us life and we are all humanity and should work it out like a family does

number 2 sez they all hate jews and main guy sez "not a hate thing" and to stop using guns but instead hug

they all open fire and he dodges it and hides behind a car that eventually is completly busted

the main guy and coffee chick open fire and shred the baddz and lynch mob and 1 guy, oh the baddz leader, sneaks away and calls Bush Garlic Jr and asks for help and Jr is gonna send a chopper

Main guy kicks a55 with bare hands and beats down guys like he's from Otoko Juku and the irs comes to rtgew cult compound form the money

1 guy trys to hug and blow him out but he's not wearing his belt of fireworks and a guy wearing it in a van blows and the van lands on the boss of the company guy who had the heads on pikes

number 2 jumnps on the car main guys driving and caps him in the meat but main guy puts a new a55 in his head with his gun

main guy drives off with coffee chick and his dog is in the car and prez jr sez the asians and indians were responisble for the attacks in this movie so he's gonna nuke em but they sent nukes our way

fat wife and the cops try to leave but fat wife is too bifg tgo get out the door and the cops cant get by her and postal main guy hits the remote and blows em apart

main guy puts on shades and drives off and we see the baddz leader and prez jr dancing hand in hand as nukes hit

the end

adr mixers; frasnk koch and todd anisman?! Are these p0rno names?!

But that was a f--king trip!

its crazy, offensive, in bad taste, crass, overr the top, and tells things as people dont wanna accept aRE REAL


its so stoopid but so fun

its openly bad and has fun with it while being intentionally awful

1 guy said its like a Troma film and while I never actually saw any films by them, I think it fits

its a silly comedy with a few political satiure messages and has an f'd up teen boy stily of humor

I don't laugh often at films but this got me to a few times

Its not as over the top funny as the human centipede 3, but its not far off(I mean this is a good way)

of cource Uwe Boll makes bad films! Its his thing! Like Mel Brooks makes Comedy and JJ Abrams makes films that try to be like better directors works

I had fun watching this and its worth a see if you can handle all the politically incorrect humor

Those weird europeany guys are pretty great

For Postal 2 I want the world top be a nuked out wasteland and postal dude and coffee chick are wanderinmg arpound with him beats out and eating people who challenge him. Turns out Verne Troyer has fused with the monkeys and absorbed them into a giant monkey golem and is looking for him as he didn'ty save him from the monkeys. Also its a 128 bit game like Shemnmue on Sega Dreamcast, GameCube, XboX and PS2 where you play as Postal Dude and his Coffee Chick and go around doing whatever you want and can find arcade like games in the wasteland that you fuel with brain juice from people you wwaste and the game boss is a fight against the Verne Troyer Moneky Golem

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