Thursday, February 4, 2016

The Hunchback Of Notre Dame Review

note, my kebord os bad and im one handing so its gonna get typoes
the hunchback of notre dame
this is no review on the hunchback of notre date(he 1930s version)
back at the turn of the century my dad read me the clssics illistruared comic book of it
in the book everyone dies
victor hugo was emo or something
all his books end with everyone getting killed
but better than the Disney version with the cast surviving and having a cr=ppy sequel
imagine if Disney did hamlet and no one died and they made a filler sequel
oh wait, the  lion king
so the movie starts In the Castlevania days after a century of war in a ravaged france
if this were modern it would be in a post apocalyptic waste land with mutants
this elite is seeing a printing press that gives freedom to the people by giving them books
but this starscream guy warns him its dangerous
nowadays people don't read
many high school "graduates" are barley able to
the starscream guy swears To protect French from witches, sorcerers and gypsies
I notice this film tries to make the gypsies look innocent or harmless
I saw a documentary on CBC that showed them in a less idealistic lighr(yet still defended them)
so theres a festival and the king is there
they talk about the earth being flat(which people back then didn't believe in real life)
we knew the earth was round since greek times or so
what next? cavemen showing up??
so the fenchies wat to elect a"king of fools"
the king talks about how these frenchies are like the Addams family and like gross ugly things
then an Irishwoman named Esmeralda comes in and dances
but shes a GYPSY!!!
and everyone gets a b0ner for her (except the starscream guy)
then they catch A GUY watching the festival from the shadows
its the severly mutated deaf mute Quasimodo
the frenchies love how ugly he is and make him the king of fools
they treat him like a celeb and parade his ugly a55 around
then his owner comes in and poops on the party
h takes Quasimodo away to b0ne him
then the cops bust the Irishwoman and she runs into the church for sanctuary
they are gonna give her to Quasimodo
Quasimodo's owner complains to the head priest to imprision him for making an a55 of himself
I didn't know the French were commies
Quasimodo rings the bells and lAUGHS
I think hes mentally challenged
I prefer the lon chaney version
he was hardcore and bada55
the priest shows the Irishwoman the Virgin Mary and offers to help her find the Lord
I was never sure what gods the gypsies worshipped
Quasimodo's owner tells her to get out cuz shes a gypsy
she tries to use the religion she just learned of to defend her people
we get a rather anti-subtle speech against racism which is surprising for a 30s film
you'd think this was a 90s film
she talks to the king and convinces him to help the gypsys
she wants to tell them but its revaled she cant leave the building or the cannibals will get her or something
she meets Quasimodo and is disturbed by his deformation
she runs but he chases her
he catches her to bring her back but a guy spots them and calls the cops
the cops get him and the head cop is a handsome man who likes the irishwoman
the guy who called the cops then gets caught by freaks
its the people under the stairs!!
the irishwman is also caught
its like the sewer people in x men
the boss then kills a guy for not "paying his shares"
I assume this is a union thing
theyre gonna hang the cop calling guy for not being a theif but he offers to give him a song
they tst him by havig himpickpocet a test dummy covered in bells
but he screws up
theyre gonna hang him but a a last chance hes offered to be married to a chick
that's not what arriage is for
its for giving kids a safe healthy home
not to give 2 people who just met a way outta being hanged
so they have a "marriage" of both of em drinking from a vase
its not a real marriage so I don't mind as much
as long as they don't b0ne
the freaks send them to a dark room for a night
I notice these peoples teeth are too good to be real frenchies from the Castlevania days
they talk about the pagan god Prometheus and its revealed she don't love him
shes gonna b0ne a bigger blacker guy and get pregnant and ditch the cop caller guy for her baby daddy
just like kim karsahiaan
she then does some char balancing trick I assume is used to distract people her fam pcikpockets from
I assume this is the movies way of saying they were b0ning
then th cops com in and get her
Quasimodo gets a hearing but since hes daf/mute he cant answer the charges
the frenchies in prison laugh at him
he tells his name and age(hes 25?!?!!?) and is sentenced to being wipped
the frenchies ho loved him a day ago are having fun taunting him during and after his whipping by some big gay looking frnechis
the boss of the freaks blames people with jobs for forcing his people into being theives
more commie propaganda
te starscream guy talks about having more executions
then he coms to rescue Quasimodo
I think hes also his owner
but he leaves him
the Irishwoman comes back and says she told the other gypsies of the king's promise
seeing Quasimodo tortured, she goes up and gives him water
hes let go and has trouble alking
like after watching a movie and sitting in th seats for 3 hours
later the king is listening to the starscream guy about commie propaganda
the king is told to take a bath 2x a year
frenchies not bathing? that's racist
then Quasimodo is ringing bells and its revealed he loves the Irishwoman and keeps mubmlng her name
wait, hes deaf! he couldn't have heard it!
plot hole!!
later the starscream guy realized hes turning hetero and likes her and is coming onto her
I assume most French women back then wernt hot as this gypsy isn't that great yet she turns all the Frenchmen hetero
its like in alien 3 how the one woman in the planet is enough to turn them straight
then she comes out into the open (gorgetting about the starscream guy) ad the head cop turns hetero for her
then everyone starts dancing like at the end of dora the explorer
the head cop is alone with her and they talk of romance in a way less impressive than robotech
then they b0ne
thhen the head cop is killed and she is holding a clean knife
then Quasimodo's owner comes in and Quasimodo stopps his ringing
he tells the priest that hes killed a man for her and he wants her to die for his crimes
I can see this being used in an anti abortion thing
the priest says him and the starscream guy aren't brothers anymore
in jail she regrets coming to france and is made to be an innocent  victim
Quasimodo is talking to statues (which sorta explains the Disney version)
then the cops come in and bust the printing press as the printer is planning to us eit to spread propaganda
at the trialall evidience says shes not guilty yet shes found guilty
its like a reverse O J
during the trial they use bad evidence like having a goat being her ally
they show her torture devices and then Quasimodo busts in claiming he killed the cop
they then torture her until she confesses
th starscream guy watches like some prevert
the king finds out she confessed under torture and he plays a game with her to see if she gets executed
just like yugioh'
she loses and is sentenced to (along with the goat) to be hanged
like in blazing saddles where they hang a horse
what about the subplot of her not really being a gypsy and her actually being a frenchie daughter stolen by gypsies?
they changed an important plot point from it!
they might as well start tuning the fantastic 4 black one member at a time!
the had priest tries to stop the execution yet the starscream guy takes her to be hung elsewhere
Quasimodo then climbs the building like in ninja gaiden and swings in like spiderman on a rope!
he saves her and swings back to the church
then Quasimodo and her are living together in the upper floors of the church
its like a set up for a bad sit com
Quasimodo talks to her for a while
he reveals she can communicate with him using signs
he reveals the bells are his friends and he named them
he then rings the bells and shes disturbed by his creepyness
later, the starscream guy and friends start a petition to have her put to sleep
geez this is a long movie
I thought 30s films were like 59 mins usually
also, the cop calling guy and the freaks are planning to have a race riot to save her
bt the cp calling guy is gonna write a letter to the king
this is how socialism started
the king reads the letter and talks about governing by public opinion
not a good move
giving the malcontents their desires
but when he hears of the freaks going to destroy the church he changes his mind
its then eventually revealed to the king the starscream guy killed the head cop
then the freaks attack the church to free her
but the frenchies arrive to defend the church and the right of sanctuary
but Quasimodo don't understand since hes deaf so he drops things at them from the top of the building
sorta like donkey kong
yeah! crush those malcontents!
this would make a good video game where you play as Quasimodo and try to kill off the attackers
ohhhh! he got the boss of the freaks!
then he pours liquid meal on them!
he seems to be enjoying killing them
now the frenchies have something to eAT, cooked malcontents!
then he sees his owner chasing the irishwoman
after some conflict, h throws the owner off the building like in Robocop and he splatters on the ground like a bag of chef boyardee
then the king pardons her and the gypsies are free to live in france, just like how it happened in real life
she goes off to live with the guy she married and Quasimodo is alone
the end
for the hunchback of notre dame 2 I'd like Quasimodo to become disgruntled with being alone in the tower with only the bells to b0ne so he goes out at night b0ning people. being a mutant he gets them pregnant (both males and females) and they poop out daemons that he has control over. its revealed he's really a daemon and spreads his cursed dna to people to build a army to take over the world.

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