Thursday, February 4, 2016

The Time Machine Review

note, this eyonbd is bad so theres toyples
the time machine
this is my review on the time machine(the 60s version)
we start with a bunch of clocks flying  around a black void
I assume everyone in the 60s was on drugs
look at those rankin bass specials
an elf as a dentist? they were on something!
then allen young from ducktales comes into a room with a bunch of 1800s guys
and a bunch of clocks go off
this guy has a bigger clock fetish than the druggies who did "rudolfs shiny new year"
apparently the owner of the house is an inventor and is often in his lab
he must be a super hero
they start dinner and the hero comes in all beat up and dirty
allen young tells him he has "all the time in the world"
then we get a flashback to like a week ago on new years eve 1899
the hero talks about making a time machine to go forward and back in time
4 dimension travel
he explains the 1st 3 dinemsions(2D GAMES ARE THE BEST! 3D RUINED VIDEOGAMES FOREVER!)
I notice he has a bunch of homies around and they are only in like 3 scenes and do nothing for most of the film
except allen young cuz hes scrooge mcduck
he shows them a time machine for action figures and everyone says its amazing w/o knowing what it is
1 guy says the future cant be changed
the hero questions it
whats the time machine powered by?
how does it work?
at least calvin and hobbes had them going forward or back in time based on what way the box faces
the hero sends a cigar into the future with no way of stopping on the midel
wont it destroy existence if it goes beyond the limits of time?
he says it may be 100 years away by now
but now and 100 years away are seperate points In the timestream
man, my braIN overloaded from processing it
then his homies leave and allen young reveals hes concerned about him
the hero has changed and is avoiding human contact
I think hes into drugz
the hero reveals he hates the time hes in since theres too much killing and he wants to run away to the future
ust like all these dinks nowadays who hate things as they are
allen young warns the hero not to f with time and its not right
also, destroy his research on time as its gonna destroy him
tampering with time can really screw things up
aLLen young seems to be the only sane man here
like how in dbz chichi didn't want her 5 year old to go to a planet of space daemons like the one who killed her husband and kidnapped her son for a year(and only a few years prior, tried to take over the planet)
he goes to his garage to reveal he already built a fully functioning time machine
he plays around with it and we get some cool time lapse effects
he gets a b0ner for a mannequin who changes her fashion every few bits
he stops and visits 1917 to find his home abandoned and covered in webs
he meets allen young but its really allen youngs son
allen young's character died in ww1
its revealed the hero disappeared at the turn of the century and allen young was executor of his stuff and refused to sell the place
wait, isn't he telling this story to his homies?
wouldn't allen young hear of this encounter?
he then returns to time traveling and stops in ww2
he skips it and his home buns away from the way while traveling and he stops in the mid 60s
theres a doomsday alarm andeveryone rushes into the shelters
he then sees allen youngs son allen young as a geezer in a silver suit
good make up
the hero reveals he met him 2 wars ago and allen youngs son is unsettled by him not aging
then the atomic satellite starts blasting the city and destroying the town like godzilla
this takes place only a few years after the film was made
kinda like 2012 from 2009
then the ground erupts and lava destroys the rubble
the hero escapes in his time machine and is sealed in rock for hundreds of years
the rock goes away by the distant future year of the 802700s
he fins theres no winter and everything is a big green hill zone
he takes the control levers to the machine and finds a building with plates set and fruits everywhere
he walks around and the movie tries to make it scary
then he sees some albinos at the beach
one is drowning but no one cares enough to help
just like when teens film a fight and no one tries to stop it
so the hero saves the girl and she just walks away like nothing haPPened
I think theyre all bimbos
this is a pretty accurate look at how teens are though
the girl later stops and talks with him asking why he saved her

life seems to have no value to these people
same with curiosity
how low humanity has sunk
also no one gets old and no one reads
freekin bimbos
then he eats food with them not knowing if he can process it nor if it would malreact to his 1800s body
also theres no government nor laws
nor jobs nor work
its like if the promises of communism actually  worked in real life
they take him to his books but the books are so unused after centuries of no one reading them they crumble to dust
he yells at these bimbos but they just don't care
he gives up on them and goes back to his machine but its gone
then its night and he sees some monsters in the bushes who fear his matches light
its like in Castlevania how monsters come out at night
the girl then reveals the morlocks took the machine and care for the bimbos
she begins to be curious about the hero and they talk
it like in tenchi muyo how sasami died but was revived with a force that fused with her and she became a new being
while he talks a morlock grabs the girl but h chases it off
he starts a fire but she tries to touch it as she never saw it b4
freekin bimbo

he regrets yelling at those bimbos and talks about how maybe the bimbos just need someone to revive the spark of caring in them
he talks to her but she doesn't really understand and just likes listening to his voice(sorta like me and my busty gf)
the next day he finds some openings in the ground and hears machines
then the gurl shows him some magic rings that make voices
it tells of the war going on for 300 years and the oxygen factories giving out
also the atmosphere is poisoned and things look bad
then he hears how some people went underground and became morlocks and the ones in the sunlight became the bimbos
inbreeding man
he then prepares to go underground into the factory and a doomsday siren goes off
the bimbos are hypnotized by it and walk en masse into a building
the girl is the last one to go in as the sirens turn off
the bimbos are ok with this and accept it as normal
the hero tells the bimbos off and the just don't get it nor care
the hero goes underground and finds the morlocks have been eating the bimbos
these dumba55 bimbos aren't good for much else
the morlocks have factories and work ethic and machines are actually care about eachother
way better than the bimbos
the bimbo's only good trait is they look pretty
the hero looks at the morlocks eating the bimbos as bad and calls it cannibalism
but aren't they different enough to count as different species?
I mean I saw a seagull eating a roast chicken and that wasn't cannibalism
the morlocks look cool though
like Castlevania creatures
the hero fights the morlocks and his bada55 1800s body is too much for their inbred ones
he uses light to blind them as they are used to the dark like giant squid
he then starts beating the morlocks up wit a torch
this movie is awesome!
too bad hes fighting the good guys
he should be on their side instead of those useless bimbos
1 morlock grabs the girl and some male bimbo grows a hot dog and slugs the morlock out!
then the hero sets the place on fire and murders all the morlocks
if them eating the bimbos is cannibalism then isn't him killing them murder?
he breaks into their home and starts wrecking things
they escape and the morlock area blows up
oh those poor morlocks!
I know some may say; well they ate people!
well some animal supremacists think its ok to kill people who eat burgers
and theyre wrong too
now the morlocks are gone(cuz that's totally the only area with morlocks on the planet) and the bimbos have to be responsible for once in their lives
the girl talks to him about women in his 1800s time
she talks about hair and being pretty
freekin bimbo
then they see the building the machine was in is burning down
he goes in and the morlocks attack

he kills 1 and goes into the fiture and wwe see it rott in timelapse
better than cg
note, the morlocks don't eat him
they aint cannibals
he goes home and the movie starts
none of his homies believe him except allen young
the hero shows a flower the girl gave him and he cant match it with any on earth npw
also it couldn't have bloomed in the winter(as new years was a week ago)
he tells allen young goodbye and never tells him about the war killing him
that buttmo!
allen young was the only one who liked him among his droogs
allen young leaves but goes back and the hero is gone
allen young believes the hero went to build a new world and finds the hero took 3 books
but its not revealed which 3
the maid and the allen young expect him to return and say; he has all the time in the world
the end
for the time machine 2 I want him to make friends with roaming morlocks and gradually realizes that the bimbos are hopeless to work with as their advancements quickly wear off and only the morlocks can stop them from setting off a doomsday device that will destroy the planet. also, the bimbos are revealed to be descended from the commies and the morlocks from the good guys and the bimbos regain their commie ways and go from idealistic "everyones equal" commies to realistic "im more equal" commies and the morlocks want to have freedom from the corrupt deviant bimbos.

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