Friday, February 5, 2016

The Last Of The Mohicans Review

note; my seyboard is cr=ppy and im eating fries. theres gonna be ypoes
the last of the mohicans
this is my reviw on the last of the mohicans(90s version)
it starts in th Castlevania days in america before we were freed of the chains of England
gross, its widescreen
2/5ths of the tv is black bars
ooh, wes stufi is in here
he was sagat in the live action street fighter movie
that moie was so fun and awesome
it knew is was silly and had fun with it
also ive seen the 20s and 30s versions of this movie plus my dad read me the classics illisutueaded coic boo of it
so after some hguy running in the woods but not naked, he caps a deer
then some guys talk to its corpse
they censored natty bumpo
hes; nathienal boone
its like calling Abraham from Dracula; abe vhs
so the English and French are at war
but theyre both bad guys. who are we supposed to root for??
then an Englishman tries to seduce the people into fighting for their deviant regent bac in gaye olde englande
but the French and Indians might attack their homes while theyre out
so its like a wasteland warrior thing
this is violence jack
so some guys go with the English and find they cant leave if their homes get attacked
also they will be court martialed if they try to save their familys
looks like th brits are the bad guy in this film
then a guy is sent somewhere with a warrior
also this chick talks to some due about something but I don't really care
also im talking with my voluptuous plus size girlfriend and reading the closed captions
the warrior takes the chick from before and her fmale friend to some place and when the women wanna stop, the men wanna submit to them
the warrior makes a comment about white men being subsrviant to their women
that's racist
then the English are attacked by indians
the Indians massacre them and cut pieces of them off for some fetish
then natty bumpo and his sidekick come in and save the English by killing the attackers
the sidekick looses the horses cuz theyre easy to track and promice to take them to their fort
this is turning into fist of the north star
I think the 20s version of this book movie took like a lot longer to get to this part
later they get to this place and its all in ruins and everyones massacred
they kilers didn't take anything
they killed them for fun
wait, I think this as the homes of the people left before
one chick wants to give them a decent Christian burial
but natty bumpo says no
it would have been a sign they were there
natty was raised by Indians or something and calls this guy his father
his dad told him; don't try to understand them and ont try to get them to understand you
that's not going to help people get along
its building walls instead of bridges
also its night now and the sceen is too dark to really see anything
cr=ppy cinematography
when natty bumpo was 2 his family was slaughtered so the Indians raised him
they moved out to the wastelands cuz they were poors and didn't wanna be under anyone
were they together in a community they could have worked together to fight off the murderers
natty tells some story or something about the stars but I wasn't really paying attention
also the screen is full black so its not like I can tell what if anything sgoing on
then they see the fort they were going to is under attack
its a pretty well made battle
sorta like birth of a nation
but with darkness instead of smoke
its the frenchies attacking the base
theres cannon fire but no one is blown apart by it
the main characters go across the water in a wood thing that just appears
they get into the base but it turns out that the reinforcements don't know they are under attack
theres no hero coming to save them like in orphans of the storm, intolerance and birth of a nation
man Griffith loved that ending like tim burton loves german expressionism
turns out they have 3 days before the frenchies get them
but they can get reinforcements in a day and a half if they get someone good to get a good man to help
this is turning into mad max
theres some issue that natty bumpo has but I wasn't paying attention
I think the English are gonna kill americans
too bad we don't have mel Gibson fighting to free america from English oppression
that's not until the patriot
I liked that movie
the scene where heath ledger gets shanked synchroes perfectly to the dbz death theme "ginyu transformation"
the warrior wants to kill someone and eat his heart
not that theres anything wrong with that
oh wait.. there is
natty bumpo picks off a few guys j fk style(sniper)
the commanding officer inquests into the place that was wiped out earlier
the guy in the service who was with them lies about what he saw
I think natty bumpo is at the place to get reinforcements
im not sure
the commanding officer says anyone leaving is to be shot
and remember, the brittish are depicted as the "good" guys in here
the people discuss being under the oppressive laws of the English regent
they wanna fight to save their families and loved ones despite the English not wanting them to
wait, I think this is still back at the place under attack
then natty bumpo b0nes this gurl
pretty sure that wasn't in the book or previous movies
hten natty gets arrested for helping some people leave
the guy whos daughters he saved earlier in the film wants him hanged for going against the eglish rules
and the guy who lied goes on a tirade against people under English rule having their own rights
so the girl he b0ned says maybe its better if the English get kicked out of america
ironically the frenchies fight to free america in like 20 years so shes vindicated
later thhhe English meet with the frenchies and are polite after trying to kill eachother
they hav a note from the other English base saying no help will arrive and offer the English a chance to surrender
the frnecies also want the English to get out of america and free the farmers they oppressed
the brits surrender and want a day to get things straightened out
alsoturns out that the frenchies mad a pact with the warrior to have him work for them if they give him land and revenge and let him kill and eat the English guy who he fought under previously
now im not an\= English sympathizer,, but this traitor isn't very honorable
then the English leave the base and all these Indians attack them in the woods
the arrior cuts out the girls dads heart and feasts on it
such a normal and well balanced man
natty bumpo gets the girls out on a boat
they escapand get into a cave in a waterfall
one girl finds ou her dad got eaten so she tells natty not to tell her sister
also I think the warrior who ate the guys heart is a different warrior than the on on natty bumpos side
but they look and dress and sound pretty much the same
also im not really paying attention much
at night the Indians come after them and almost finds their dong place
natty bmpo tells the girl to stay alive and that hes gonna find her later
then he goes off on some adventure
then the Indians get the girls
theyre gonna b0ne em and eat em att the same timelater natty aND some guys come after the Indians and the captured girls
the music is pretty good btw

the evil wRRIOR offers hhis leader the women to eat or w/e
then natty bumpo comes in and is bet up
after some talking over if they should trust the frenchies, the evil warrior wants to become the new white man in town
then natty bumpo bashes whites and says that the evil warrior is the white guy and natty is the real indian
the indian leader says that 1 girl gets to ive and the other is to be ritual sacrificed
natty offers to be sacrificed instwad but the liar mistranslates o porpose and is ritual sacrificed
as hes being crucified and burned, natty shoots him to spare him the torture
the they leave by going p a rock place
the evil warrior kills the indian brother of the natty bumpo ad throws him off a cliff
hes gonna b0ne the grl but she jumps off the cliff
just like in birth of a nationwait
I think hes gonna cut her open and b0ne her gutts
hes holding a knife afterall
the indian dad then bats the evil warrior dead and cuts his body open with a Klingon or Vulcan blade
then they look over the ciff at sunset and talk for a bit
the end
for last of the mohicans 2 I'd like the Mohican guy who died being cloned in the future to revive his dead species. but his blood was really the blood from natty bumpo and natty is brought back with his memories and skills as a clone. then he finds that america is free and the engish have been driven out centuries ago but it turns out that the people who brought him back are neo-English and want to use his stories of fight the for English to rally the people to return to submission to English rule and they intended to bring back natty bumpo the whole time. also the englush installed an electric box in his solar plexus and when he gets out of line they shock him to stop his breathing for a while to torture him(which he later cuts himself open and tears out in a show of masculinity) and begins his fight to bring down the brits (which is continued over several movies where he fight another un-American county in each one)

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