Saturday, March 30, 2019

Million Dollar Arm Review

note; I never saw this b4 so I have no connection to it so I don't care to spell right
million dollar arm
this is my review on mllion dillol arm from the 2010s
I saw a trailor of it years ago and think its about baseball or something gay
huh, its by Disney
so it starts with bobbleheads of baseball guys
1guy sez this guy is gonna break the nfl rrecord
but its just him rehersing for saying it to the real guy
the guy is name popo like that dbz monster
popo agrees to getting this guys help for money and wants 1 million dollors as a signing bponus
but guy cant make it happen
he goes to hid car and beats the wheel
and I don't mean j-rkn off
although cuz this is Disney I think they had to censor him j-rkin off with beating the steering wheel
later main guy and his homie go to this basket ball game and say someone took a guy they were GROOMING for 6 months
I assume they mean as in pedo slang
they later wanna try going to asia to get sports talent
as they're into grooming they can try Thailand
homie wants him to get into cricket players from soviet india and he sees cricket as gay
later he tells homie hes not dating a girl whos trying to be a dr as shes not a model
imagine if the twist was he's into plus size models and didn't like this one as she didn't have enough chub
so homie quits on main guy and main guy watches susan boyle on American idol
then cricket
I think its a metaphor for not judging a book by its cover
he decides to try using a cricket player as a baseball player
and use the 1st indian baseball player
no one cares if theres a 1st Slovenian ball player
who cares about their race?
as long as hes good that should be all that matters
it should take 02 years but hes asked to do it in 01
homie sez its impossiboru but main guy sez he knows someone who can help
he gets this guy with 30 years exp and psychology
expert sez it cant be done
main guy sezs if it don't work no one cares but if it does he'd be famous
oh and main guy is named jb like the guy from vr troopers
b4 he leaves this neighbor chick needs help and he lets her use his place while hes in soviet india
he has 3 months in the 3rd world to find 1 guy or 2
he meets his contact who thought he was gonna pick him up tomorrow
also the phone lines are down and hes on his cellphone all day
so in soviet india hey have the stuff he ordered but not acess to it
and they gotta pay money to get it
in other words bribes
what a corrupt cesspool
its like California but less red tape
then he gets the shirts he ordered in the road
in an elevator he meets a guy who likes baseball but don't know the basics
I don't either but I hate baseball
he offers to work for free
better than being in a union
they spread word in flyers using 3rd world kids to spread it
later a geezer comes by and is sleeping in the taxi
I think hes a scout or something
they wake him up and he goes to a hotel until base ball happens
later they go to some h-llhole and all the poor people treat em like kings
its for tryouts and lots of guys show up
they throw b balls over a speedo meter and most guys s-ck
geezer can tell how fast they throw by hearing
is he like one of those old kung fu masters who has decades of exp?
later the chick skypes him and sez she broke his washing machine
then a montage of them looking for a fast puitcher
geezer sleeps a lot
I think he was drunk in the real version but as this is Disney they changed it
meanwhile this teen wants to try but his owner sez he has work to do
also track and field players wanna sign up even though they need croichekr players
wasn't kevin Costner in this?
or am I thinking of McFarland the running movie?
I like doing his movies and spoelling his name bad
later chick skypes him and sez the rapair guy fixed both their waching machines
later they go to a lucky place with good rep and got some sorta good players
1 guy throws a b ball at 84 miles per hour
f--k you metric system!
centimeters are aids!
as are killo grams
also another guy can throw in the 80s
so they start a school for teaching baseball and they train like shaolin monks in unison throwing and moving
later jb skypes chick and shows her india
he sez it stinks good and bad at times
1 guy in the school is training at night and sez his dad f'd his back and now he has to drive a truck
also most guys there hate cricket
truck guy wants to use the million dollars to buy his dad a news truck
whats he gonna do with the other 999929 dollars?
oh and truck guy was the guy who';s owner said he d have work to do
guess that was his dad
then its daytime and theres a tournament to see whos best
each player gets a set number of throws and whoever does best wins
its like saint Seiya, Yugioh, dragonball, yuyu hakusho, Beyblade and harry potter
1 guy throws fast but inaccurate
sorta like super Mario world
you either walk slow and get no distance in jumps
or fast and no control
i'm more into sonic anyway
truck teen I think does just as fast but better aim
he gets a perfect
I think its not truck teen
truck teen threw inaccurate
not truck teen wins and gets to go to America
the land of freedom and hamburgers
on the car ride back, contact sez the boys there don't have high sports dreams nor leave their slummy villages
is this gonna turn into valley of the dolls?
the 3rd world kid goes to America and gets corrupted into drugs and b0ning?
I think both good player teens got the chance to go as truck teen buys his dad a white truck
but its just gonna get coated in cr-p and show
later they say bye and get a do rag or w/e on their heads and have tea
oh they're meeting the players fams
the mom of 1 guy is overprotective of her kid
so they go to America and in the drive they find out none of the 3 guys like cricket
2 winners and the baseball fan
they are unused to 1st world tech like elevators and its like Beverly hillbillys
also wont they have jet lag from changing time zones?
jb gives b ball fan a video camera to record the teens
not like that you degenerate
to monitor their training
jb goes home and gives chick a mini taj mahal
also she has a big buff guy with her
hes an intern at the hospital and I think they were b0ning at jbs place
later I think the indins were arrested for something and need a place to stay
so jb takes em to his home
they are wondering where is him fam
he aint got none
the next day he give em power bars an they set up a shrine to their gods to pray
but jb don't pray
and he calls himself an American!
the shame!!
so they go to the stadium and expert meets em to train em
they practice throes and kina s-ck
they got 06 months to get em ready for mlb
later the teens are watching teen shows and the pizza guy comes by
they don't know what it is and jb helps em
teens talk about being in America and maybe changing their names
later homie tells jb they ran outta cash
he blew it bribing half of soviet india
also popo might come back to em after hating his new jobn
later the teens don't think jb likes em as he don't watch em play
but hes just busy
also expert sez they ned to feel supported and be having fun
me; bit baseball isn't fun
it s-cked!
esp being at the stadium where you got ants playing catch 700 feet away
in grade school my class was gonna go to a baseball game
I chose not to go and stayed behind and played think tank on a 90s computer
I liked it
far more than cr-ppy a55 baseball
at least in football and hockey people get broken bones
even in soccer with the players jumping around like the 3 stooges trying kung fu to get penalties they have leg breaks
later 1 teen chatz with his mom on the phone
jb takes em to a party to have fun and meet popo
but the guys who jacked popo from e are there
at the party 1 teen eats too much and they are bored
should've gotten em a sega
1 teen got drunk as he didn't know the punch was spiked
jb takes em in the car and drunk teen pukes in his car
when jb gets back, popo accepted the rival deal
jb yells at em and tells em to go to bed
they cant take it and commit seppuku
jb chats with chick and b-ches about how taking care of these teens is like having a fam
she sez he otta pay more attention to em
also she broke up with the buff guy
later jb gets a van and spends more time with the teens
also they improve to a montage of india music
also jb and chick watch pride if he yankees and she crys
then they make out
next day the teens talk with him about it and they think he otta marry her
ater jb talx with a funder and sez they will be ready in 03 weeks
but it also means they gotta be on the media and expert sez they aint ready for it
later 1 teen slices a pitching finger while chick teaches em to make Mexican food
mexico claims another victim
jb tells her of for f ing his investment
later b4 they go to a thing he sez sorry for getting p-ssed at her
they go to try outs and everyone in soviet india is watching on tv at night cuz of time zones
huh, jon hamm was jb
and bill Paxton was some guy
so they f--k out and get rejected
the funder sez he won as in 1 year he got a few nobodys from the 3rd world to mlb tryouts
and he extents jbs contract by 03 years
so we get a minor bummer moment where the sports guys say the Indians s-cked
jb wants to give the teens another shot but funder dont wanna and sez if he does, it ends their deal
he does
later hes looking for scouts and finds geezer who I find is played by alan arkin
he and jb go to a restaurant and introduces him to the head scout for the pirates and never saw the 1st tryouts
later he goes home and chick and teens make a dinner for him to thank him for all he did for em
so in a few weeks is another tryout and he tells em hes proud of em like mr rogers
its kinda nice
so they go to the tryouts and funder is there
so is chick
baseball fan free guy gives a speech about how the teens came so far and indian kids have someone to look up to
also his b baller dreams are coming true through them
so 1 teen throews a 93mph pitch and aims well
next teen throws accurate and fast
then we get real footage from them being fired by the pirates and text sez what they did after the movie
oh and jb and chick got married
then credits to footage of 3rd world kids playing ball
the end
that was pretty good
i'm not into baseball or india but the story was good
good acting
clean tvpg for like 1 D word once
no forced in love story
it worked here and didn't get in the way
no super forced sad moment
yeah it was a bit bummer but not too bad
alan arkin is always good
I like this
its like 3 hours with adds though
and it don't drag or go by fast
its a decent film
although its title makes me think of; the man with the golden arm, where frank Sinatra got into drugs
for million dollar 2 I want for England to invade india and try to take it over and the guys who came to America to play baseketball gotta go back and fight em off. its also a run and gun game on sega genesis and super Nintendo and Gameboy advance and you play as one or both of em and throw unlimited baseballs to shatter the frail girly Englishmen and their mech suits as its set in 2015 and is high tech.

Friday, March 29, 2019

Australia Review

note; Australia is like the mexico of England. so I spell accordingly
this is my review on Australia from 2008
its directed by bazz luhrman who did the cr-ppy Romeo + juliette and mo ul in rouge and the cr-ppy great gatzby
its got hugh Jackman from x men and Nicole kidman from that ghost movie
personally, i'm not fond of the country Australia
they have cr-ppy internet, censor films and ban multiple series for minor things
I hear p0rn0 is illegal there
not just with kids or animals or corpses
but normal stuff
although I find p0rn0 gross
at least its not as bad as new Zealand
they banned 90s power rangers for being too violent
can they watch care bears?
cuz no heart was pretty scary to me when I was like 6
so it starts with a warning about aboriginal austrailians watching this
then text I cant really read as most of the screen is black bars
I gather its when japan attacked austrailia in ww2 and kids were taken away to liv with other familuies cuz of their race
then this kid sez he's mixed acnsetry and he is told to like king George of soviet England
some white guys get murdered and this native kid steals their horse to ride across the mad max wasteland
he goes home and fears white cops takimg him away and making him white
they'll give him vitiligo?
but its not cops, its cowboys
then title and cut to soviet England and kidman is gotta go sell cows in sovuiet austrialia
but its the distant future year of 1939 and japan is gonna kick some a55
then Jackman fights guys who don't like him having black friends
so this guy called carny owns the beef industry and much land
and the brits don't like his good business work as it makes England subservient to him
esp with ww2 happening
should've sided with zee kaizer
so kidman goes to a bar but they say no women
jackmans fight knockes over her luggage and her undies ge everywhere
hugh Jackman's teeth are too good for an Australian from the 1800s
so Jackman and kidman go on a trip across the wastelands
gotta get dat tanker of petrol
and kidmans husband hired Jackman to drive the cattle across
kidman and jakcman get along like Momoko and yosuke in wedding peach
so I assume they'll fall in love
kidman is enamored by kangarooz and Jackman's homie caps one
don't they got footlong centipedes in there?
maybe that's brazil or viet nam
at night theres only 1 tent and 3 men with her
but they are gonna go by the fire
this is how p0rn0es start
this is a lot like crocodile Dundee
blonde civilized chick and cool austrailain dude
later they pick up a drunk
wtf multiple people run at the same speed as their truck
freekin cr-pmobile cant drive 55
then Jackman talks about breeding but its in oz slang so she things he means him b0ning her
they bicker and Jackman gets srs as they stop the car and nearly hit a big black horse
its KEN OH from Hokuto no ken!!
he gets out and the native kid narrator is there
she goes in the house and sees a dead guy
I think its her husband
wtf the guys name is Ashley
freekin gone with the wind
after the service for him 1 guy sez the land has a strange power
like the Bermuda triangle?
sounds like we otta nuke it
native boy sez the land healed and needs to be made to sing
is this like pet semetary?
the ground is sour!
at night the boy sneaks into her room and sez he made himself invisible
is this like that ghost movie kidman was in?
man we're 25 mins in
140 + adds to go
he sez something about where ashlery was iced but his mom comes in fearing kidman will take her kid cuz she's white
that's racist
the next day boys gonna show her something but runs when jakcman comes by
she asks if the cows cross the river but jakcman sez that's carny property and they don't do that
but she outs the boy as the one who told her they do
Jackman sez hes full of sh-t and that the windmill don't work
so boy turns on the mill
a cowboy tries to take the boy but kid man defends him and fires jakcman
she fires fletcher
I don't know who that is
he wants to take her land and blocking the fuel pump
also drunk wants to help her get her cattle to the army to sell and break carneys monopoly
she needs help and Jackman comes back
oh and b4  it was fletcher not Jackman who the kid said lied
but fletcher let the cows out
jakcmans p-ssed as she might've cost him his pay he needed to make it to the next season
looks like he's gonna be b0ning men for cash
oh and flethechr is working for canry
and taking cattle from them
so jakcman needs more men and gets native head shaved women
he slaps together a rag tag multiethnic team of whoever he's got and they go on the drive
its like power rangers
but the cops come and boy hides in a water tower like in they made me a criminal
but water flows into it and they fight to survive
I think king George is the name of a waste land warrior
cop sez the fletcher said theyres a mixed race kid there and he wants to put him into care
but she sez "i'll keep a watch"
so cops leave and the boys mom bites it from water
why not just swim?
so in their culture bites it ur not supposed to say their name anymore
kidman comforts boy by telling him of the wizard of oz
she tries singing over the rainbow but s-cked at it
so they go off on a cow drive and Jackman gives advice
 so ww2 is happening but not in pearl harbor when ben affleck j-rked off on history
carny wants the gov contract but has to wait a few days
at night boy sez king George is his grandpa and taught him native magic
kidman wants boy to sleep but Jackman trusts boy to pull his weight and give him a night shift
then a guy throws a torch at the ground and the whole thing burns up
freekin fire hazard cr-p a55 country
the cgi cows run and then its daytime
were they doing this all night??
the cows nearly un off a cliff but they use fire to guide em
drunk gets run over like Mufasa in the lion king but cooler
boy is eventually gonna get run over at the edge of the cliff but something redirects da cows and jack/kid man save him
then drunk bites it
and alcoholics don't go to heaven so hes burnin with queen Elizabeth
later Jackman tells kidman that fletcher fakes king geoege icing Ashley
but it cant b proved
and fletherxs is after em
later its night and Jackman sez his woman bit it cuz the hospitals wouldn't treat blax
and kidman has no womb
 next day I think they need to find water and its across the desert
but king George comes by and uses song to get them water
what is this? Robotech?
he's no Minmei!
maybe yellow dancer
so days later they think kidman bit t
and the gov is gonna sign the contrax to carny
but the kidman and homies come in with cows
she offers 20% less than carny
but the contrax r signed
but aint in effect until the cows r loaded
so they fight to load em or not
much slo mo
Jackman drives cows up da warf and gets em loaded 1st
later theres gonna be a dance and Jackman don't feel like going as to those guys, hes as hated by them as blacks
man they say America is bad
but here..
so kidman wants to adopt the boy
but 1 guy tries using science to say the natives are inferior
kidman don't like this and tells him off
they';res also an auction and carney comes by
also carny offers her a deal and she accepts
I think
i'm talking to some guy and trying to get him into Robotech
he likes the Invid mech
so kod/junkman fall in love and marry
they watch wizsrd of oz and it rains
then they b0ne
they live with boy for years happy
fletcher knocks out carny and throws him to the crocks and takes his company ad marrys his daughter
man he's like starscream
so later fletcher comes by the place kidman owns and wants to buy it
he thinks cuz his fam worked for her he deserves the property
so if I work as a grease monkey at mcdonalds I deserve to own the restaurant?
he also implies hes gonna ice someone like how he iced Ashley
and hes got the cops on his side
she says to her workers not to tell Jackman
also this is a lot like the movies duel in the sun, giant, and gone with the wind
only not confederate
later kidman takes a bath but we don't see her pointy jet black nips and Jackman wants boy to go through his peoples ritual
so its a koala bar mitzvah?
but kidma don't want him to cuz she's overprotective like most mothers
later boy left for his ritual and kidman goes mental
Jackman has work to go to but she b--ches at him saying "if u don't stay, i'd prefer it it u didn't return"
what a b--ch
meanwhile boy's dog gets capped, boy is caught, king George is arrested and its all cuz of fletcher
then the Japanese attack pearl harbor as f d r wanted to get America in the war to help his commie homie stalin
and Australia is going mental over fearing japan
not all Japanese in ww2 were trying to take over
that's racist
so kidman has an episode trying to save the boy from being taken away
and no one there cares
maybe its good japan nukes em
so boy is taken to a camp or farm or w/e and Jackman wants to do something
I think his homie was his brother in law
later japan attack a camp with the kids
then the other parts of ausntioa
then its night and the city burns like gone with the wind
Jackman heads the kid area got attacks and austiana left em to bite it
at least they were out of the womb for a few years
also he goes off to help em I think
but finds the boy alive and well
then leads the freed kids to escape
also his homie has to sacrifice himself to save the virgin children from Japanese soldiers
they cap him a few times and execute him when he's down
like with megatron and ironhide in the transformers movie
also flethcers woman bit it
also kidman is alive and thinks the others bit it
boy senses his grandpas spirit and plays over the rainbow on his harmonica and it draws kidman
they reunite and its good
he calls her mrs boss like hes a slave or something
and Jackman is there too
and so is fletcher
I think
also is ivan
who the h-ll is ivan?!
according to wikepisa hes a shopkeep
so they are gonna take the kids to her plantation or w/e
but turns out fletcher is there and is gonna cap someone
oh its the boy hes trying to j fk
but grandpa king George sends him to H E Double England with a spear throw
I was kinda expecting a final battle with him like with noah vs cain's descendant on the arc in the Darren arrenoffsky noah
also, grandpa is still alive?!
so they go home and he goes to live in the wild with grandpa
sorta like dragon ball gt how pan goes to live in space with goku and trunks
he also takes off his clothes and shows but keeps his pants
is he wearing undies?
then text saying austrailian gov ended its racial policy in the 70s and in 2002 they said sorry
the end
that was pretty good
I like historical films
stuff based on true storys
films with little or so bad its good cgi
and this was a pretty good one
its the 3rd highest grossing asustaila film after crocodile Dundee 1 and mad max fury road
this was sort of an epic and western like those john ford films I liked
this was pretty good
and it wasn't too dark or depressing like baz luhrmanns other films
it had a sort of happy ending
they could probably put this on the history channel
better than boogie nights
for Australia 2 I wand it to be the 50s and the boy is now a teen and he's friends with this dinosaur that people are trying to hunt to prove its existance. so he rides it and they try to get to safe lands. but theres scientists trying to kill it to stop evolution from being disproven. its also a 16 bit sega genesis, super Nintendo, Atari jaguar and turbografx16 where you go through the levels on him and fight or escape the scientists after him with flamethrowers and acid guns.

Sunday, March 24, 2019

Let It Ride Review

note; Wanna bet on how well I spell?
let it ride
this is my review on let it ride from the 80s
its got Richard dreyfuss and Cynthia Nixon and other people
it starts with dreynfus promicing his wife he wont gamble and do other vices
then gets a hot tip this horse cant lose in a race
so he and his homie go to this place to bet on it
btw Jennifer tilly and the wife from mr mom are in this
they go to a bar and gambinoes are giving em advice
huh, the director of this also did space jam
dreyfis goes to the toilet and prays to God for a win
he hears people say let it ride and he takes it as a sign
also this italiano and his gf with f'd teeth braces come in
oh and this is based on a book called good vibes by some guy I never heard of
later dreynis bets 50$ on da horse
so the horses race and I think he loses
it was a photo phinish and he wins
but his homie didn't bet
he collex his money and hides it in his shoes
after a trip to the bar and his drogs riding his a55 over his past f ups, he gives the tape of the tip to the guys who made it
hes not made copys and wont turn em in
they say theres another race that they know the outcome (like football nfl)
later he meets a chick and she acts all mysterious
he places another bet and his homie suggests blackmailing the evidence guys
then bets on a cr-ppy horse that f's out
so dryinis wins 2450$ and its put in his shoes
man we're nearly an hour in
that felt like nothing
so deuouys goes to a high end place and has expensive food with jenifer tilly
also he flirts with ms mr mom
then he gets arrested by cops who think hes someone else
and a chum of his denies knowing him
he runs out in cuffs and busts through the wood door like hes the hulk
he rushes to place a bet but just misses the cut off
but the horse he wanted to bet on f'd out
so back at the rich place mrs mr mom and tilly are into him
then his wife calls whining about him not keeping his promicse
she might ditch his a55
then he finds out his homie is out a load of cash
homie is giving blood but if this keeps up hes gonna hafta start letting men b0ne him for money like zack morris's actor in svu after saved by the bell
so dexoys's wife comes by and wants his cash so he goes to thr toilet to get it from his shoes
he gets info from asking random people and come to the conclusion that number 7 will win
so he buys 48 50$ tickets on it
oh I think he blew his saving on it
his wife has enuff of his sh-t and dumps him
he and tilly win the race and shes kind of a bimbo here
guys like that
he tells off the snobs in the thing and he goes to collect his winnoings
but a guy who his homie owes 850 000 comes to collect
deyoins agrees to pay it
but his exprences add up to a net total of 000
he calls his wife and shes drunk
he sez he won and comes home and gives her a diamond necklace
but shes blackled out drunk
he goes back to the club and offers to work together on a bet
later tilly offers to b0ne him
but he turns her down as hes married
dryers bets on a horse whos name he saw on tape on the wall of a thing
he tells his homie not to bet on his guy
bet collector cant take his bet of thousands as that many 50$ slips will over do da machine
so he takes it to the counting room to bet
the horses race and everyone in the group says they want drying horse to win
its a photo phinish and dring sez he knew it
he wins and renites with his wife
the end
wtf Robert baron was in this
as in Robert v barron from Robotech?
also; Gladys t vega
like vega in street fighter?
so that was pretty good
it flows well
doesn't ever drag
has a good late 80s look and feel
not too srs
good fun
so tacked on sad moment or forced romance subplot
its got cool guys and the people don't give in or wiener out
good film
I liked
oh and I got Cynthia Nixon and mrs mr mom mixed up
just reread it with em swapped.
for let it ride 2 I want for word of his win to get out and all these gambling junkies come to him for cash. having enough of it, he builds a battle arena where the addicts fight to the death and people bet on it. the better you do, the more debt is paid. also its a fighting game where you play as various gambling addicts who have missing parts from loan sharks and blades in their places on sega genesis, snes, Atari jaguar, game gear and game boy.

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Mr. Mom Review

note; I spell like a man.
mr mom
this is my review on mr mom from 83
its got Michael Keaton, and jeffry tambor, martin mull and Christopher Lloyd in like 2 scenes each
its written by teen movie maker john hughes and produced by 90210 maker aaron spelling
so its set in soviet Detroit but its the 80s so its not as slummy and mad max as it is today
Ooh its by MGM
so after some credits to sitcom music we get normal family stuff of getting up and ready
The kids watch the 80s hulk during breakfast and dad calls it robots
then in da carpool they talk about splitting gas money
dad worx at the Detroit car plant and helps design or supervice car making
he tells the workers the plant job is like rocky where if ur down ur not out
then chritppher Lloyd tries to kill jeffry tambor cuz he was fired
as does keaten/dad after finding out he got it too
btw this is kinda like that other Michael Keaton 80s movie gung ho
also when 1 canned guy tries killing tambor it looks like hes b0ning him
later he comes home and his fam is nice
he's gonna have to sell one of his kids now
after dinner his wife wants to get work
dad bets mom he'd find a job b4 her
but they're married.
they share cash
so she gets da job and dad has to take care of the home
I like the look of this film
its got that haze feel to it
like not high def but a bit softer filmed
its widescreen
find da cure
but its got that early 80s late 70s feel
so he later drives da kids to school and dos it wrong
later mom goes to work and is told to be formal
she works in a smokey room of guys and martoin mull is her boss
he runs a tune fish place
you an tune a piano but you cant tuna fish
she sez theit marketing s-cked and they think she s-cked
then dad goes food shopping and knox sh-t over
also hew leaves his kids unattended and gets the wrong kid
one goes missing and he looks for her
he finds her being eaten by raccoons in the parking lot
a chick helps him find her and offers to b0ne
he gets outta there as hes a good husband
also; shes a 5kank
man we're like half an hour in
that felt like nothing
after work mom sez mull offered her a chance to go to the plant and cared for her thoughts
next day, mull comes in and dad comes in with a chainsaw
he carves off his legs and feeds e to him
he's just renovating
and he shows how cool he is
so mom goes with mull on a plane and I think he wants 2 b0ne her
the kids have racecar beds
bad a55
also they doo laundry
dad sez he was in da army
probably had viet nam flashbacks
imagine if he snapped and became like the joker in batman
also he has to clean up and finds mom called the vacuum jaws
a buncha maitnence men come by all on the same day
the kids make chilli and it burns
the washing machine breaks loose from da wall and its hoses f out
the cavuum goes after the kid and eats his woobie(blanket )
Keaton kills the vacuum (so I guess batman can beat jaws)
and the baby ate chilli and enstinkified the place bad
imagine if the baby took off its diaper and sh-tted all over the place
just walking on and blasting out the a55
maybe crawling on all 4's with slop shooting out
later Keaton goes 4 a jawb interview and later they go to mulls house party
they have a tournament and Keaton is told to not win so mull will
they parody chariots of fire as they run wearing swimming flippers and other events
Keaton does well
man he can run
well, he is batman
but falls at the end to throw it
I think the simpsons parodied this race with burns's thing where bart tried to win the sack race
later dad watches soap operas on tv and groes a beard
while ironing he irons a kids grill cheese
also his kid's woobie rips so he staples it
this is turning into the red green show
he also plays cards with other kids moms
his wife comes in and I missed a bit as I was makin a soup
hes getting fat and wife calls him orson wells
that's bodyshaming
he could get triggered
well apparently he does and he sleeps on da couch
btw its always guys getting fat in these movies and never chix
good thing for my 600lb life
later the 5kank from b4 comes over to seduce him
also she likes his fatness, flannel and facehair
then wife comes back and caps him
and tambor sez he was gonna rehire him
and mull is there too
but its a dream
or a phantasy while he watched tv
then 5kank comes by for the card game but he calls it off
then gets a montage to the rocky music of fixing up da place
even jaws listens to him
they mentioned rocky at the start and now its used
then dad gives woobie kid advice on how woobies lead to harder things
like its drugs or something
then has him try going w/o woobie and if he still needs it, he can have it back
in kindergarten I used to drink from a bottle
my rents said if I can go through junior kindergarten w/o it I can have it for seinor kindergarten
by s k I forgot about it
but in grade 7 or 8 I had a gatoraids bottle of cammomile tea
and today I had a 2liter bottle of brisk ice tea
later he makes a romant9c dinner for wife but she comes home late
the music is kinda like the secret of nimh
later wife suggests using emphathy over gimmicks to win sales
the ceo loves it
she is invited to film an add in soviet california
and its Halloween and keaten dresses up as a prison inmate
odd that hes batman later
he don't want her to go but she goes
lol 1 guy is ET
they try having a sad moment but its not so bad
latewr Keaton is in a meeting with tmbor and tambor sez he covered for em
turns out tambor was crooked
and things got worse after Keaton was canned so it wasn't his fault
Keaton tells off tambor and sez da other 2 guys said w/e tambor needed em to for their jobs back
oh and he sez it to tambors boss
so there was a scene of the Keaton going to a male strp club with speedo guys but its cut from the tv airings
it was cuz the chicks took him
I think they wanna turn him
later wife is taking a bath and mull tries to seduce her
keatin kalls but mull gets it and hangs up
mull comes too close and she slugs him
no Weinstein I don't consent!!
I think wife calls kearin but he throws the phone across da room
also he busts the tv
hes gonna go hulk and rip a55!
later 5kank comes by and keatens fixing the house
5kank sees keatns bed and lays in it
he weighs the options on b0ning her
as he thinks his wife is b0ning mul
then wife comes and Keaton realizes he loves his wife
tambor comes by and sez he needs Keaton
he yells at keratins kid and Keaton slugs his a55 out
mull comes by offering her flowers
wife quites mull and slugs his a55 out
Keaton gets his job back but has them higher his homies back
they see the tuna add which was filmed like hours ago but is now on tv and hey watch it
then credits to 80s sax music
the end
that was nice
mild, calm, fun, had heart
it has good pacing and never drags
its light and isn't dark or edgy
its a positive film with good stuff
also katon is a good actor
its just an enjoyable film
for mr mom 2 I want Keaton to be working at the plant and its the 90s. he has to develop a new battle armor for japan who is now the worlds biggest economic power And his plant is making em. but the soviets are onto em and sent spies in the plant. the spies attack and he has to use the prototype armor to fight em off and take em all out b4 they escape with the blueprints. its also a 16 bit sega genesis, snes and Atari jaguar game where you play as Keaton and gotta go around the metroidvania plant getting more power ups and equip abilities to clear out all the soviets.

Tuesday, March 19, 2019

Moneyball Review

note; baseball is a55!! so I spell a55!!
this is my review on moneyball from 2011
its got brad pitt, Jonah hill, phillip Seymore Hoffman, ronin wright penn and chris pratt
its also got Takayo Fischer who was in a buncha 90s shows
I've never seen this b4 and don't care much for brad pitt nor do I even like baseball
why am I even gonna watch this??
nyaaa, i'll give it a chance
it got good reviews after all
but so did silence of the lambs and that movie s-cked!
it starts with some baseball footage and as quote from mickey mantle
its set in the distant future of October 15 2001
1 team has more money
then title
then its night and a guy is in the stadium
is this a horror movie?
its brad pitt from se7en and a few minutes of/the cover of 12 years a slave
I think soviet new York wins the base ball world championships
brad pitt is malcontent and the radio sez soviet new york blows more money on b ball and steals other good players
and brad pitt is losing his best guys for better pay
its his job to recruit em
but they don't give him enuff cash
later the bradmo gets a call saying another player got bought out
so its like Yugioh how better decks have more expensive cards
but a good duelist can win with his faves
like me never using pendulum cards
later brad is in a meeting and the people there don't get how cr-ppy they are
is this another movie about losers?
I hated bridesmaids
lol brads name is billy
like that guy who got b0ned in jail in midnight express
ohhhhh billy!!
after he gets a guy for his team he goes to a meeting and wants more cash
he wants a player they have
wtf they pronounce costa as KOH STUH instead of COSS TUH
its like pasta
not dough ma
after getting nothing from em he meets jonah hill and he teaches brad to rethink how he sees things
then a youth has to choose between college and a job playing baseball
but both s-ck
later its revealed the youth was billy and johan would've bought him in a later game
and billys name is billy beane
like bruce banner, peter parker, scott summers, reed Richards, ect
billy reunites with Jonah and he's done 47 of the 3 players billy wanted him to do
now its 51
is this guy a machine?
is he the matrix?
Jonah gives rainman level math and data to calculate how to choose players
he figures theres 25 guys they can afford cuz others don't see em for what they can be due to flaws
sorta like bashing a cool playing sega genesis game for low power graphics
like when playstation 1 came out and people jumped into polygon cr-p
cuz of that, ristar was underloved and pulseman/alien soldier never came out in soviet America
is this movie a baseball version of the sega Saturn?
underestimated due to flaws but really good?
place bets now.
so billy chats with a guy and then has a meeting
he suggests a buncha guys who seem to s-ck
later he chats with some chick but I wasn't paying attention as I was looking up the new dragon ball super manga
after listening to some chick (maybe the same one?) play guitar he has flashbacks to the 80s as a player
later a guy b--ches at billy for trusting a fat nerd over guys who scout b ballers for years
later they get their team and have a new game
but billy brad doesn't watch and goes to work out
then chats with that guy who b--ched at him and its phillip seemore Hoffman
then we get some radio guys chat about the math thing and call it money ball
later billy and johan talk about canning 1 player
johan don't wanna but billy tells him to
also billy gets hojan to join em on the team trips
later he eats with his daughter about his job or w/e
later he talks with phillip seeyone hofftem at a game who wants to play the team his way instead of the way it worked
it 's out
billy goes tommy Wiseau and throws a gatorade tank
later billy trades some guys against the advice of jonha
Jonah tells the guys they got trades like Digimon cards and billy tells phillp setyom hofftam
later johan tells the players baseball math and billy tells a black guy some peace making
later the team is doing better
I think
I don't know baseball lingo
later he and johan work on getting better trades for their guys
he trades players and gets cash for em and new players
its like the Zelda trading sequence where you get a useless item and trade up to a great one
and he's talking to multiple teams for building hype to get his trades better
but after getting a new guy he has to let 1 go
you know how in racing how when a horse breaks its leg they cap it?
imagine that for baseball
well ken griffy jr, we gotta put ya down
then the team does more wins
later hes driving and his wife calls on da car phone and sez hes doing good
but he wants to get a new player
but then hears on da radio something happened and goes to da game
something happens in slo mo buty i'm not sure as I don't get baseball but according to wikipecdia the team f's out and nearly botches the 19 game streak
but they win and make it 20 games won in a row
later billy is bummed as if he wins with their cr-ppy team and budget it'll change da game and they migt get fired or something
later billy b--chcakes talks to a guy about guy hiring a guy everyone hates
guy sez he won with 260 000 $ what the yankees did with 1.4 million $$
and he don't like it
he wants billy to be his manager
and he'd be the highest paid general mills manager in sports
but he don't wanna
later johan shows footage of a player having hit a home run and not knew it
later billy listens to a song his daughter made 4 him
wtf when I was looking away and waiting for the ending to happen it ended with text I missed
oh and apparently according to wikipeddra they lost but I don't thin it showed it
also hes hired to some team but turns it down and the team later wins using his moneyball style kung fu recruiting scouting stuff
the end
how do I feel?
its an ok film
i;m not the target audience nor did I pay much attention but what I saw I didn't hate
its not bad and I like historical films
its not violent or lusty and theres no tacked on love plot
its not bad
I didn't hate it
watch it if you can
for moneyball 2 I want the moneyball style to be a big hit but after a while, it starts not working. the teams want billy but he refuses. so they send roided up players to capture his kid to force him to play ball. he then has her hide and takes on roided up players with a flame thrower and an axe and has to hold em off until they bite it from over roids. also its an action game on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Atari jaguar where you play as billy beane and take out big buff ballers on every floor after your daughter.

Thursday, March 14, 2019

Spider-Man 3 Review

note; I spell comic book
spider man 3
this is my review on spider man 3
it got mixed reviews but I liked it
its directed by sam raimi who did Hercules, xena and evil dead
its got tobey McGuire, kirstin dunst, james franco and tohphoer grace
it starts with a recap of the 1st 2 fims in a cgi web
its also got bruce dallas howard, j k simmons and bruce cambell
good music by danny elfman
he did batman and spiderman
I loved spiderman in the 90s with the 60s and 90s cartoons
I even liked spiderman unlimited
he's the best hero to make a video game off of
long range move (web ) close range attacks (punch/kick) and high jump A B C
he cant break walls but has cool foes and is strong but not overpowered
my 1st game I really played was spider man vs the kingpin on sega genesis
I got all 5 spiderman games on sega genesis and beat em all
even maximum carnage which I beat in grade school but people today struggle with
he's just a cool character and hero and has good stuff based on him
so its soviet new York and spider man is doing well
gwen Stacey is in his class and is smart like him
but sm is planning on marrying mary jane
shes an actress now and his homie harry hates him for icing his dad the green goblin
harry infects himself with the goblin roids to POW ER UP like altered beast
later mj and sm are chillin in a web made by sm looking at da sky and making out
a meteor lands and this black j-zz comes out and hooks onto sm's scoter as he and mj go home
meanwhile, this escaped convict sneaks to his daughters home and visits her
his wife busts his a55 over being a thief and killer
his kid is ill and needs cash to fix her
aunt may gives sm her ring from uncle ben and tells him of when benny asked her to mary him
later harry attacks sm and they have a cool air fight
eventually harry gets hit and busts his head
sm saves him at the hospital
meanwhile, the escaped convict runs and winds up in an experiment in new York about DE molecularization and is obliterated
also harry survived but lost some memory
he don't recall the last 2 movies and about peter being spimderman or responsible for his dad being iced
harry sez sm and mj r his best friends and he'd give his life for em
Wesley snipes: i'd lose my head if it wasn't attached
guy in total recall: blue sky on mars?
the next day convict is sand and pulls himself together as a sand man
and somehow his clothes are part of him now
later mj comes by sms place and sez a critic hated her play
sm trys supporting her but she gets all b--chy cuz its like cr-p her dad said
viet dad flashbacks
sm goes off and saves a crane from f--king out and killing a buncha people
wtf james Cromwell from babe and Jurassic world fallen kingdom and W is gwens dad
and tphpher grace is eddy brock whos dating gwen
not sure that was in the comics
oh and spider man saves gwen as she falls out a huge a55 building
and eddy wants to be the new spiderman guy for the daily bugel
so ed gein trys selling j j jamesons a photo and gets in over sm by sucking up to jamesons a55
also ed wants the job sm wants
so jjj will give it to whoever gets the best photo of sm as a crook
I want a speider man episode where j Jonah jameson reunites with his estranged daughter jenna
also in this movie jjj's wife is still with him
man tohpher makes eddy look sleazy and slimy
later stan lee tells peter "I guess 1 person can make a difference" and its wonderful
later harry still has powers and skills and reflexes and mj gets canned
later ed and gwen aint dooin 2 hot
sm is given a public ceremony thing by gewn and she smooches him on the face mouth like mj did in the 1st filme
mj is offended and sandman convicit flies through town and attacks a bank truck
how does he move?
is it ki?
I mean he's flying around like in dragon ball gt or something
sm fights sand man and gets f'd
he saves the bank truck drivers and sand man gets away
later mj is disgruntled by photos of sm mouth smooching gwen and sm goes to a French restaurant to propose to mj
bruce campbell from evil dead is the waiter and is likable despite playing a Frenchie
mj is too malcontent to be happy and gwen comes by and meets her and this pushes mj more
she cant take it and starts cutting her wrists while crying tears of blood as good charlotte plays in the background
jk she just gets b--chy over the kiss and books it b4 he can propose
oh f
toby McGuire is a vegan
peta rated him the worlds sexiest vegan in 2002
not much competition
I mean he's not gross or anything
but I would not consider him sexy
even if I get turned queer
hes like a nerd
later a cop tells sm and anut may that the convict who broke out was the real killer of uncle ben
somehow peter has a flashback of it despite not being there
psychic spider?
peter puts a gee haad on sand man and chex his police scanner for info on him
btw the cop sez sand man broke out 2 days ago
a lot happened in 2 days
and we got another half the movie to go through
interesting twist
1st harry wanted revenge on sm for killing the goblin
now sm wants revenge on sand man for icing benny
at night the space j-zz gets sm and he wakes up hanging from a building in a black costume
sm sees dr curt Connors who sez the black goo is a symbiote and he shouldn't let it get on him
sm goes after sand man and smashes eddys camera after hes a smarta55
sm fights and uses water to flush away sand man
also he gets darker in real life and more p-ssed off
sm tells aunt may sm killed the guy who iced ben
but may don't approve and sez spider man doesn't kill
like in the room
lisa; johhnny got drunk and hit me
mom; johnny doesn't drink
also shes all; revenge makes us bad and benito wouldntnt want it
mj goes to dinner with harry and smooches on mouth with him
she runs out and harry drinks
it breaks his brain and he gets his memory back and sees his dad norman Osborn in a mirror tells him to f spider man
later mj goes home and harry as green goblin tells him to do something if she wants sm to live
she meets him and breaks up with him
good ref to her acting skills being crirtisized
later harry meets sm and sez hes the other guy mj was seeing
franco is good as a sleazy slimy bad guy
and he was tommy Wiseau
sm puts back on his black j-zz costume and faces harry
harry pulls a sai from ninja turtles on him but sm counters
they fight and trash harrys place
btw the rich bad guy vs poor hero was similar to superman with lex and Clarke
sm taunts him about his dad not liking him and harry throws a thing at him
he dodges it, counters and it blows in harry's face
bad a55
like Kenshiro in Hokuto no ken
later brock has a photo run of spiderman stealing
sm tells eddy he knows its fake
ed begs not to out him but sm outs him
then a montage of sm being a cocky p-tz
flirting with chix and jewing j Jonah jameson for a staff job
also the infamous shot of him dancing and crotch thrusting in a black suit
later sm goes to a jazz club with gween and mj worx there
sm plays piano while mj is meant to go on and does stylish dances with gwen
its so lame its cool
did the symbiote give him pianist skills?
gwen is disgruntled he used her to show up mj and dumps his emo a55
sm goes to mj and fights off 3 bouncers
in the chaos he nails mj and her lower jaw flies off with blood gushing out like a firehose
nah that's if he did evil dead
she sez "who r u" and he sez"i don't know" and goes to church
eddy is there as he's a catholic
but he asks God to kill Peter Parker
that's like in Saturday night live I mean fever where this italiano asks the church for permission to kill his unborn kid
sm pulls off the j-zz as the bell sound weakens it and eddy somehow sees sm is peter from like 400 feet away
the symbiote gets eddy and he are venom
so the symbiote is a thing on roids or drugs right?
later aunt may comes by and sm sez hes not ready to marry mj and he hurt her
btw this film is super widescreen
like half the screen is black bars
may believes in him
later venom meets sand man whos alive still as hes like immortal or w/e and seduces him to killing spider man
later venom captures mj like in spider man vs the kingpin and sticks her in a taxi on a web 80 storys in da air
sandman hold off cops (like they could do anything to venom) and venus says "stop us if u can sm"
sm goes to harry who's ace is all melted a bit on 1 side and asks for help to save mj
harry don't consent and his butler only now after years of nothing, sez Norman's blade wound that iced him was from his glider
why he never said anything for years and let harry rot in vengeance is not explained
sm goes to save mj and venom f's him
they fight in free fall and mj jumps from her taxi to a web to avoid falling
sm fights sandman AS venom is j-rkin off or w/e
then he fights s,m and venim as v hold him down and sndmn hammers him
but then harry comes out finally and saves sm
they team up and fight em
goblins pumbpkin things are a good counter to sandman as it burns him into glass
they save a falling mj and harry takes down sandy mann
then the final boss; venom
he ties up sm and beats on him with metal
b4 he can shank sm, harry jumps in and is knocked into poles that clang and hurt venim
venim goes to shank sm but harry jumps in and takes the hit
sm breaks free, and uses the poles to make a cage to trap venim
he bangs em and the sound lowers its points til sm pulls eddy away
the symbiote stands up all bada55 and sm hits the bars to make sound
he throws a goblin pumpkin at it to nuke it but eddy jumps in and they both go to h-ll
the sun is up and sanfman sez hes sorry
he only shot uncle ben cuz the gun was in his hand and his partner surprised him
he needed the cash for his daughter
sm forgives him and its actually really good
sm and mj say sorry and bye to harry and he goes to h-ll
the story ends with the sunset and then them having a service for harry
why are gwen and her dad there??
sm sez our choices make us who we are and we can always choose to do whats right
is this a pro life movie?
then the sm goes to see the mj at her azz club and they hug
the end
then credits music that sounds like an 80s film
that was pretty good
I liked it
I don't see why others bashed this film
it had heart, good themes and cool effects
its got good effects and the story has a good flow to it
it doesn't feel like 3 hours with adds
its better than that sodomingo who was in the amazing spiderman movies
he said sm sewed his costume and called it "feminine" but then said he meant it "in a good way"
my grandpa was a tailor in soviet Poland and had 5 kids
what about those italiano guys who make fine ialiano suits for the mafia?
no one calls em feminine
but this was a good film and its too bad they rebooted it for that cr-p with that candya55
for spider man 4 I want for spiderman to go into space to fight the planet that the symbiote came from after more symbiotes arrive and infect people. he gets a new syber suit by oscorp with sonic generators and the ability to render him invisible to symbiotes and goes to their planet. its run by dragonfly people that are enslaved by the symbiotes and he has to lead an uprising against em to free the planet before they take over the galaxy. also its an action game on Sega Genesis, Super Nintendo and Atari Jaguar where you fight your way through the levels and some are stealth or beating captured sm villains who were symbiotized and gotta fight to the symbiote core to beat the symbiote hive mind. Oh and they are all psychically linked and he one from sm 3 he killed sent the all spiderman's info from reading his mind.

Thursday, March 7, 2019

Charlies Angel's Review

note; spelling right is nice but spelling your own way is the way to be!
charlies angels
this is my review on charlies angels from the distant future year of 2000
its got drew berrtmore, cameron diaz and lucy liu
I've only seen a few eps of the 70s show this was based on and only in the last few months
but looking back there were many refs to it in 90s shows like dexters lab
its directed by McG which sounds like either a rapper or p0rn0 name
huh, its got bill murray from Garfield in it
and tim curry from a buncha 90s shows
btw they're remaking this in the distant future year of 2019 and in that one the girls are black
yet in here 1 is Asian
yet in the 90s dexters lab had dee dee and her black and Asian friends did parody's of it
did they know??
so it starts with em on a cgi plane like skies of arcadia on sega dreamcast and a hetero couple goes to the bathroom to b0ne
man, this plane is huge
its like  video game level
1 scuzzy guy has a thing strapped o him to blow the plane
so this African guy grabs him and takes em both out of the plane
a chixck sky dives, takes the thing off him, it blows, catches him, and parachutes into a plane with Cameron diaz in a bikini
the African takes oiff his face and its drew Barrymore
is that blackface?
oh and she bought drugs off him
then we get a montage of their crazy lives b4 they met Charlie
now they work for him and have flashy effects shot the title
then drew Barrymore is on a boat with tom green who she dated back then cuz she's nuts. (but freddy got fingered was gold)
then cam his a disxco scene but its a dream
she wakes up and dances while wiggling her a55
they lui has a scrip reading scene with joey from friends
joey sez she waxes peoples crotches but knows a lot
they go to chars place and liu has issues with her working with joey as a cover job
bill murry comforts her and gives advice
then char radios em and tells em their mission
this guy knox was kidnapped and his partner ms wood (which sounds like a p0rn0 name) is hiring em to find him
they investigate tim curry who gets massages at the same place
so they gotta infiltrate
then tim curry is stepped on by liu and she hits a pressure point or w/e to k o him
this is a weird fetish movie
they copy his key and stuff and data or w/e and go out for burgers in a Ferrari mustang
they find this guy called the thin man ( t m) in the reflection of a window in the security footage
that's batman levels possible
like in the dark knight where he rebuilt a bullet and got a thumbprint off it
at night they get communication devices in their teeth and go into a party
billy murr too
blly mur chats with tim and tim sez they are in a shinto temple he shipped over
is that cultural appropriation?
cam chats with a guy working there and hes gay for her
billy gets in a sumo matxch and his tooth com busts or w/e and the girls follo t m
he gets away in a hidden door and they chase
btw I read t m don't talk in here cuz the actor hated his lines
like Christopher lee in Dracula
so they kung fu fight and hes got a sword cane
its like goofier power rangers
they beat him and save knox
but they still need to get back the stolen tech
it ca track someones voice perfectly and use any cellphone to locate anyone
even though voice activated thigs s-ck 20 years later!
and they'd need a sample of their voice in the 1st place
and of cource theres people from the 90s who don't have cellphones like me
so the girls go to the race car place and tim curry is there
so does billy M
man we're only half an hour in
so drew seduces the tim curry driver with a lot cut outfit and no bra as liu plants something in tim curryz trunk
then cam sees t m on the race car and has a car face with him
they go on the streets and on a bridge and he falls his car in the water
btw thin man was played by crispin glover who was George McFly in back to the future 01 and some dink in Friday the 13th 4 (the final chapter )
so using the camera planted on tom currys brief case they map out the company item
it has demented security that's out of a james bond parody
note; I never saw a james bond film
so later the girls do belly dancing and lui plays a blonde
cultural appropriation?
they take a beer bottle and get his fingerprints
they play skimpy dressed yodelers and billy M uses a tuba retnal scanner to get his eyes
at least it wasn't like in demolition man how they took out his eye
they go in the company and gross a55 Melissa mctcarthy bugs em
liu is dressed like a SM whip girl and the other 2 are crossdressing as guys
genderal appropriation??
liu educes em with toughness as these nerdy tech guys like strong women whipping em
using the eye scan and fingerprints they lifted they use a glove and contacts to get in
drew wears a white suit to sneak by and does flips like in power rangers to avoid being on the floor for more than 0.25 seconds
yeah, that works
she gets the thing from da sealed area and get out
ms wood wants to see the data the girls got from the break in but isn't allowed as they are only checking for stolen tech
later drew spends a night with knox and I think they b0ne
also cam is out with waiter and liu is with joey
so the stolen tech is not found in the stuff they stole from and ms wood comes over and ries to b0ne bill murrey
and cam wiggles her a55 to baby got back at a club
and at lius date, liu gets capped after joey asks her to marry him
but its a scene in a movie they filming
later liu wants to come out about her secret identity to joey
this man slices out tim curry
lius trailer is shredded with gunfire
a hitman jumps cam but she takes him doqwn and he sez ms wood sent him
liu hid in the ceiling of her trailer
cam calls drew and tells em wood send hitmen and to warn knox
but wood is there and pulls a gun on her
also knox takes off his coat and has muscles under it
he's the bad guy and reveals tim curry was not involved
also the kidnapping was fake and hes after char
he caps her and she falls out da window
then its revealed she matrix dodged it and jumped as the bullet went by her
that's not f--king possible!!
she falls off naked but we don't see anything and lands in a kids backyard and this kid and his black friend play final fantasy 008 and talk about seeing b00bz
she knox on their window wearing a well places pool toy
btw ff8 is a 1 player game and both kids appear to be playing
then they shows up in a stone cold steve austin shirt (hes a candy a55 compared to holly wood hulk Hogan) to the other girls and they go back to their base
it blows
but billy murryr is with knox
they somehow figure out the bad guys broke in to tim currys place to get access to his sattilites
and drew remembers when knox told him about his dad, how the name of the guy's shirt in the photo of em who he said killed him had charlies name on it
also the face is cut out as they cant show his face like in home improvement or power puff gurls
yeah that's believable
although when batman does it, its cool
btw in all these movies based on tv shows they blow the heores base or vehicle or w/e
billy mruruu uses the tooth communicator that he swallowed and is still in his head to connect to the girls and cam figures out where he is by the tweeting of a bird in his cell that only lives 1 place
and on the way there they find it by figuring out its name is an anagram of eric knox
tom green takes em to the place and bill murruy plays Miami vice (which I never saw and only know as the captions say "Miami vice theme plays) which is weird as that's like a crossover of 2 shows
so thin man gets the satilite and voice tech on and the girls go to the island and take off their wetsuits they scuba'd in
they sneak in like a bad playstation 1 game and drew is held at gunpoint by wood in front of knox
she gets tied up and whipped with fat pigs drooling on her and eating slop off her big sweaty feet
jk she's just tied to a chair
liu hacks into the system and cam gets to billy but her waiter bf calls
she gets ambushed but she beats em up
at 9 am char calls and knox talx to him to get a trace on his voice
thin man fights liu and wood fights cam
knox gets a lock on Charlie and the fights bust out of the building to the outside
knox goes off to ice char and drew gets her feet free and beats the minions up with her hands tied
this man has a fetish for pulling off chicks hair and smelling it
drew sneak attacks thin man and wood with a chain and knox hits his base with a missile and blows it to h-ll
the girls survive this as they were jumping
then bill murrey (b m ) comes in on a jeep and they drive after Knox's chopper
b m never saw char
da chix use a hookshot to get on the chopper and climb on it
drew fights knox in the chopper and liu tampers with the missiile to make it return
da girls jump out in slo mo and the chopper blows
da chix go 2 c char but all they find is a cigar
he sez hi over an intercom
char sez Knox's dad was a double agent who was iced by the other side in nam
also its implied char is watching them from that beach and only drew sees him
cam; how can we know you really exist if you don't come down and have a coconut with us?
me; man that's bad writing
they then splash in the beach in light outfits
then credits to all the small things by blink 182 with bloopers
john Houlihan?
like hot lips from m*a*s*h*??
holy cr-p rob bottin did the effects for this
he did the thing and Robocop and total recall
steven hunter flick?
the L and I look like a U together
the end
that was entertaining
its dumb and silly and over the top
but its a fun ride
its not trying to change lives, but just be a cool experience
I liked it
its like watching monster rancher or thundercats(the good ones from the 80s and 2011)
for charlies angel's 2 I want one of the girls to discover Charlie lied about Knox's dad being iced by the bad guys and really Charlie iced him because he was the double agent working for the reds and Knox's dad found out. Charlie finds out and sends the other 2 girls after her but they don't want to. so he uses bone implants he put in them to shock them until they comply. also the girl who found out had her bone implant removed so she could escape as its also a tracking device and she has to find a way to take out Charlie to free her friends. its also an 8 bit nes, Gameboy, game gear and sega master system game where you play as thet girl (all 3 are selectable but the other 2 are against you) and gotta go through levels with 8 bit kung fu and items. also the bone implants work as electronic roids and the other 2 girls blimp up huge and buff from  the implants sending signals to their bodies to make roids.

Monday, March 4, 2019

The Transporter Review

note; spelling American English bad like am is I
the transporter
this is my review on the transporter(from 2002)
its got Jason statham and
I never saw this b4 but heard bits of it
I actually like late 90s/early 00s films
they got a charm about em
so it starts in soviet England judging by the cr-ppy liscence plates and this guy (probably Jason) drives his big black car to a bank
hes the get away driver
but they weigh more than 254 kilos(which I have no idea how much that is(cr-ppy a55 metric system c-ck suckers))
as he don't got enuff gas for them in his car for a chase, he cant go
so they cap one of their own and drive off
I guess they didn't factor in their loot weight
after a bad a55 chase, they are caught
but Jason drives off a bridge and onto a car carrying truck
he shoots the lever(which I don't think would work in REAL life (yeah like any of this cr-p would)) and drives off
he eventually gets away by driving past a train as ity goes by and cuts off da cops
he takes the crooks to a place and they want him to take em further
but that wasn't part of the deal so he turns it and the extra cash down
later on the news the croocks got caught
later a cop comes by and implys he knows Jason was the driver
btw I think this is in france
so the cop here reminds me of death wish how he knows but cant prove
later Jason deals to move a package for someone
so later jeice is driving his package over and checks it.
its an Asian girl
he cuts a hole in the duct tape on her mouth and lets her drink
then stuffs her back in and drives off
but on the way shes kicking like a baby in the womb
he chex her and she sez she has to whiz
he gives her 1 min and puts a rope on her neck like a leash
but she ran away into the woods
he catches her and sez "rule 3: never look in da package"
when they get to da car he fights 2 guys
its cool how he throws her at em
so he brings her in to this guys mcmansion and sez he didn't look and rule 2; no names
the sleazy guy pays him and wants jace to deliver a briefcase to some guy
he consents
on the way he gets an orangina from a machine and it has free straws in it (which is illegal in soviet California(unlike aids spreading)) and his car blows
jeice goes back to the mancion and caps everyone
he beats a55 too
ands takes out 3 guys with axes
he hotwires a car and drives out
in da car is the Asian girl who he dumps by da road but goes back 4
and puts in da tunk
he goes back to his base and keeps her tied to a chair
he cuts her free, gives her a bowl of cr=p and chopsticks (nowadays people would call dat racist) and goes to bed
she looks around his place and finds his military and past photos
meanwhile, sleazy guy stops by the hospital and his minion there sez da transporter did it
then kills him by stuffing a rag in his throat
next day Asian girl made him coffe, tea and food
later cop comes by and sez he found pieces of jasons car that blew
he sez his car was jacked and she sez she drove him
after checking the car Jason hotwired and nearly seeing the f;d up front he goes
h and she sez shes da cook
I look away for a sec and his home blows
turns out hes under attack
,machine  guns firing and everything
they fire a rocket at em and it takes like 20 seconds to hit so Jason is able to get her and escape
they dive in this well as the house totally blows
they go under water like ecco the dolphin and use scuba tanx
they go to another house and they take off some clothes
she tries b0ning him but hew don't consent\
but then they b0ne
then they tell da cop they went swimming in the ocean (where whale j-zz) and sez when they came back it burned down
he sez they got the wrong house with the 5000 rounds of ammo and he lives off his army pension
cop goes off to do so0mething and Asian girl goes through cops pc to find the sleazy guy b4 cop gets back
Jason wants to go off and let bad guy think hes dead
but she sez there is 400 people on a boat coming, including her fam, to be enslaved
she sez not everything is a lie, like when they b0ned, and wins him over
also cop turns on his pc and sees sleazy guys info
so then Asian and jeice ambush sleazy guy and hold him at gunpoint
he blames jacon for looking in the package and that she lied to jasen
she pulls a gun on him but he eggs her on and she don't cap
then an Asian ghuy comes in saying hes her dad
he has his men aim at Jason and tells her to drop her gun to save him
she does and he orders em to ice Jason
but the cops come in
sleaze and Asian dad say Jason kidnapped a girl and tried to black male them
cop arrests Jason and he wakes up in jail
cop sez he needs da truth and he tells of the 400 slaves
cop sez theres rules to follow but Jason can do it faster and he lets jaese in I mean out
jase walks out with cop at gunpoint and drives to a boat in a trunke
good use of playback
Jason lives by rules, but after breaking em, gets better
as does cop
Jason goes on a boat alone
on da boate dad is p-ssed at girl for not speaking English as he payed a lot for lessons 4 her and slaps her for saying she hates him
oh and I think its night
Jason is taken down and sleaxy guy sez, keep him alive, as I guess he wants to b0ne him dead
then leaves as Jason takes out all the goons
jason jumps around the crates and onto trucks like a freekin n64 Zelda game
then gets to a bus station and beats a55
then beats a55 on a bus w/o a shirt
its pretty bad a55 and sorta like Hokuto no ken or riki-oh
then fights the bus level boss, a bigger buffer hairless guy
jases is in a headlock and kicks a55 with his legs
also all this aids blood spills on the area
maybe its grease or oil
he puts on foot clips and can walk w/o slipping
then gunmen come in and he uses the big guy as a shield and jumps out the window
they throw a drum of oil out and shoot it to burn the sea
Jason sucks air outta big guy to survivre like in the riki-oh manga
later Jason is driving te cops cr-pmobile and it f--ks out
he jacks a crop duster and parachutes to the truick with the thing of slaves
he uses his parachute to take out a few cars and busts in and kicks the driver out onto da roade
he uses a pice of glass as a mirror and sees a guy about to cap him so he stabs him with it
then drives with his feet and reclines the seat against him
Jason is kicked through the windshield but crawls under da truck
dad tries shooting him so Jason throws a metal rom under da thruck through ads drivers neck like a shuriken
cool, its a flat front truck like optimus prime
Jason takes out the driver and stop his truck but dad holds him and gunpoint
instead of capping him, he takes him to a cliff and monologues
Jason sez dad wont make girl into him and dad aims at Jason
gunshot fires but it was girl who capped dad
also cop is there
oh and I think sleazyu guy was the one he threw outta da truck
in the uncut ver I think he splattered under da wheel
so they save the slaves, even though i'm pretty sure you cant fit 400 people in 1 truck back trailer and more were still enslaved, and cool music plays
the end
that was pretty cool
good acting
I mean action
good effects
cool story
the main guy is bad a55 and fights tough guys
its a bad a55 movie
hes like zero from mega man x
starts out bad but turns good
its a cool bad a55 kung fu action movie
its not trying to be gone with the wind or ben hur
its just entertaining and awesome
I liked it
for the transporter 2 I want sleazy guy to have revealed to have survived and was upgraded by cyber implants. he also can combine with his car to form an exosuit like in Robotech season 3. he goes after Jason and the Asian girl, who is now really pregnant from months of b0ning, and trues to get his revenge. but Jason unleashes his true kung fu power and uses ki attacks to damage the bad guy. also its a 16 bit platform game where you play as Jason and do more jobs and missions and fight the sleazy guts homies over the game with sleazy guy as the boss.