Monday, December 31, 2018

Sleepless In Seattle Review

note; my dad likes this movie. will I? not enuff to spell well!
sleepless in seattle
this is my review on sleepless in eattle
its from 93 like Aero the Acro Bat and Awesome Possum /Kicjs Dr Machino's button sega genesis
I never saw it but it starts tom hanks meg ryan bill pullman rita Wilson and rob reiner
its directed by nora ephron who did you've got mail, bewitched and Julie and Julia
Speaking of tom hanks, I had a demented idea
a mash up where they edit tom hanks from big having fun then he goes in a room and its a clip of the da vinci code where ian McKellen pulls a gun and sez "on your knees"
It fades out. then shows the cops taking him away. then we get a law and order thing saying its a trial.
then it shows clips from Philadelphia and talking about him having aids.
he opens his shirt and has aids sores. then it shows him biting it from aids after another law and order title card.
pretty f'd huh?
so it starts in Chicago where him and his son remember his woman
sorta like in the late mathias pascal how it too starts bummer
a guy tries to offer help but hanks has had enough suggestions
so he moves to seattle so he wont keep being reminded of her
that'll be good for his son
losing all things familiar to him
then credits to a picture of America without Canada or mexico
I guess they got nuked
mean while, meg and bill go somehere as their relative lost all their cash in a pyramid scheme
her and bill are engaged and announce ity at a dinner party
bill has a sneezing attack  as he's allergic to everything
this is why people practice selective breeding
oh and fraisers tv brother is in here as megs brother
they met at a sandwtch shop and got eachothers orders as they ordered the same basic thing
she chats with her mom about their husbands
also its Christmas
she drives home and da radio plays cr-p
this kid calls and sez his dad needs a wife for xmas
radio lady asks to put tom hanks on and he does
its been 1.5 years since she bit it and tom hasn't been sleeping
he starts letting it out and she puts him on hold for other people to comment on him
she calls him... sleepless in seattle!!
they call me... murphy!!
I wanna take his face... off!!
Call me jack... call me violence jack!
thanks to these... mystery men!!
also that name reminds me of desperately seeking susan
later meg goes to a diner and chats with some chix
meg drives more and tom talks more about his woman
the show finishes for da night  and a black guy sings over da rainbow
for a sec I thought that would be the movie and they'd meet at the end
just hik on the phone and her listening
later at megs work its revealed phone service was tied up when 2000 chix called in for tom hanks number
then its new years and they watch the light thing drop
tom has a vision  of his wife which I think is either his memory or a ghost
later he goes to see friends and they reveal they all know hes SIS
later tom hanx gets mail and items from the chix into him
1 of em is his 3rd grade teacher who sent him a love letter
what is this? that adam sandler movie where he gets his teacher pregnant?!
my internet explorer refreshed and I lost half da revirew
gotta redo it from memory
I cant remember it
gonna redo this when I get more time
nah i'll type the rest and go back and watch it later
k I found it online as youtube was full of spam vids that say its the movie but its just an hourlong add of "go to this site to see it"
those people should be b0ned dead
so tom talks to his kid about him b0ning his new gf and kid asks if she's gonna scratch up his back like they do on cable tv he sees at his homies place
dat kids gonna grow up to be a purvo
later the meg goes to listen to the radio about SIS
later she chats with her bro fraisers bro about if she loves bill pillomon
later rob reiner talks with tom about how women like guys with cute butts
then they go to a bar and chat about how dating is different in the 90s than the 70s when tom last dated.
also he gives thom the number of a girl he knows
later tom gets home and sees his kid with a girl and kid talks about a beatles album
tom calls the reiner girl as I assume his kid is b0ning that girl
he sets up a date with her
meanwhile, meg writes a letter to tom and watches a cary grant movie
her homie gives advice on the letter and meg writes to meet tom at the empire state building at valentines day n soviet new York
later kid had a nightmare and tom comforts him
to isn't sure if theres heaves but has been having dreams of her
kid is forgetting her
later meg investigates and finds out tms last name
then uses her 90s computer to find out his info
then contacts a detective agency to track hanks
later hanks is going on a date with that reiner chick but kid has him read the meg letter
they got cr-p in common but he don't wanna date her in Baltimore which is 26 states away
later he's dating the chick but kid calls and sez meg wants to meet in new York on valentines day
tom tell him to f--k off (my words, not his, but the intent is similar) and goes back tio his date
but a guy is taking photos of tom
later date gf comes by and make em dinner
but kid don't like her
he's probably gonna ice her
later its night and kid sneaks downstairs and sees em making out
he calls the radio show and tells everyone
also he calls her a h0
meg homie calls her and tells her to listen to the radio and she goes in the closet so her bill pullimn don't hear
kid hangs up and screams and meg sceams as her husband opened the closet
kid said he saw a spider and toms p-ssed at him
in the real version they were probably b0ning but they wanted it to be pg13
on  degrassi jr high; arthur walked in on his dad and his dads woman in bed. imagine; son, what you saw was not meant for young eyes. so im going to have to confiscate those eyes for a while.
also meg makes up cr-p to her bil pikmin about her homie hearing an ex on da radio
later kid's gf sez to write a letter to meg and they do and mail it
later meg flies to seattle and tom and kid and date gf are at the airport to see date gf off
also he sees the meg at there
kid sez tom and meg were meant for eachother and were meant to be together in another life
so meg looks for tom and doesn't find him
until she does at the beach with his kid
but don't meet him
the next day she goes to see him but date gf is there and hugs him
they see eachother and it cuts away to her b--ching to her homie about how she ran off
also she was in da road like in pet semetary when hankx saw her
later she gets a letter from kid saying its hanks and finds out homie sent her leter w/o consent
now she thinks hes mentally damaged in writing
later habnks tells his homies of meg wanting to meet at the epire state building and on homie goes on about dat carry grant movie
later bill Pullman gets meg his moms wedding ring
what is this? wedding peach??
k. here is where I pick up from the internet f--king out
later she is with bill pollmin to choose a ring
later kid and hanks fight over him not marrying meg
so kid runs away
kids gf sez hes going to new York
tom follows him and kid goes to the e s b
meanwhile, meg and bill millior are having dinner and she sees the e s b
she tells him everything and its night
bill  poulion don't wanna be a silver metal andf lets her go
at the building tom finds his kid and is worried his kid might've been f'd dead by some sodomingus(my words. not his. but I know what he meant)
meg aint there but runs girlishly to the building
but the trips up to the observation deck is closed
so she sez da carry grant ref and the guard lets her up
just after hanks goes down she gets up
she looks around and finds a bookbag
then kid and tom come up (is this like tommy and denny in the room??) to get da bookag and shes there
they meet and its got heartfelt music and they hold hands and walk to the elevator
they get in and it plays this song I think sung by jimmy durante
then we zoom out from the building anf see America lit up and lights fly in the sky
still no mexico or Canada
I assume they are still nuked
then light blue tim burton text credits
the end
that was nice
not much happened but its got a good feel and flow
sorta like the late Matthias pascal from the 20s
its fun and has heart
it pays tribute to classic films while being a good modern late 80s early 90s one
I liked it and had a good time and feeling watching it
it was a good flashback to my 90s youth
oh and tom hanks is an architect like Charles Bronson in death wish
for sleepless in seattle 2 I want it to be set right after they get back to seattle and the date gf is there and disgruntled he fel in love with another woman. she kidnaps his son and if he wants him back hes gotta ice meg ryan. so him and meg ryan follow clues she left behind to get to her flying castle base where she destroyed Canada and mexico with nuke beams (micro waves). also its a 2 player run and gun game like contra where 1 player is tom hanks and the other is met ryan and they gotta shoot their way through the date gf's men on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Atari jaguar.

Thursday, December 27, 2018

The Big Chill Review

Note; ur used toi my bad spelling by now right?
The Big Chill
This is my review on a big chil fro  1983
Its got  Tom Berenger, Glenn Close, Jeff Goldblum, William Hurt, Kevin Kline, Mary Kay Place, Meg Tilly, and JoBeth Williams
I know a few of those
also kevin bacon plays the dead guy but his scenes were cut
Its directed by Lawrence Kasdan who did the 90s wyatt earp and dream catcher
I never saw diss b4 but herd its good
it starts with a guy giving his kid a bath
then theres a phone call and da title/credits start to a song
man this goes on for a while
then all these guys meet and its for a service for some dead guy
a confederate sounding guy gives a speech
a guy shows up late
then another guy comes up and speeches
then they leave to a song
this movie has a steady pace
we're 15 mins in and not much happened
as they drive its revealed the dead guy suicided
and the last time this chick talked with him she yelled he was wasting his life
goldbloom sez hes a journalist for people magazine
later they're having food and 1 guy is revealed to be an actor
and goldbloom has a story on a blind baton thing and wants to do a story on his homies here dealing with the dead guy
the gang spnds the night at one of their homes
this is how horror movies start
maybe kevin baxcon will revive and start picking em off 1 by 1
later 1 chick sez she's a lawyer defending guys who beat up and b0ned this couple and tried to blow the place
goldbloom sez his writing rule is not make it longer than it takes to readf while ur taking a dump
they chat more and have sort of a daria attitude
later 1 guy does blow and his woman comes up and they chat
cocainum was big in da 80s so they gotta have it in here
blow guy tells her of his time in viet nam and we cut to screaming
but its cuz theres a bat in the attic
too bad this was b4 tom burtons batman
they open da window to let it out nd more come in
get the bat spray
later a guy is watching a 30s film on tv and don't get it
blow guy has emotional issues and gf issues
he's gonna snap and take em all out
then eat em
1 guy chats about having sleeping issues and having issues
he too might go nuts
later its not quite sunrise and 2 guys go for a walk in this empty town
its got fog so I assume its silent hill
they chat and its revealed him and a girl he was b0ning had a fight and she married someone else
later 1 guy goes home but his wife stays
later blow guy is filming himself talking to himself
later these guys are driving and 1 girl sez she b0ned dead guy b4 he bit it
meanwhile this chick sez she wants to have a kid
meanwhile, the gang in da car have stopped and went on a walk in this wild area and goldbloom pooped in da woods
he sez the outdoors is like a giant toilet
meanwhile baby wanter wants to b0ne a guy and get pregnant
later they all watch a vhs of goldbloom talking to one of em
later they watch the show the actor is in
later they have dinner then dance while cleaning up
later they smoke either tobacco or chronic (I think chronic ) to the song "my girl"
baby wanter tries to get actor to b0ne her pregnant
but he doesn't consent
later the next day 3 guys walk and talk about j-rkin off and the dead guy
also 1 guy brings over a bunch of nike shoes
blow guy likes em
and 1 guy wants to get his homies in on his business idea
later actor whines about his cr-ppy show and sez he tries to put something worthwhile in every show
later they watch football (not soccer you europedoes)
later 1 gurl sez b0ning a guy ruined their friendship
later goldbloom is gonna b0ne the baby wanter but she ant sure she wants his kid
then the guys play footall to gimmie sum lovin
later a confederate cop catches blow guy thinking hes a yankee drug dealer but actor comes by and impresses him with his tar status
then jumps into a car like on the show but f's it up and busts his leg
confederate cop sez sorry and leaves
then 1 guy bashes blow guy over his dumba55 ways
also baby wanter cant b0ne goldbloom as she don't wanna
you gotta get married 1st or ur babies are cursed
later baby wanter does aerobic stretching in an 80s outfit as she';s interviewed by blow guy
later 1 chick sez her life with her husband s-cked and she wants actor now
then the actor and a guy go driving in a jeep
actor sez he cant handle living in da south al da time
later they eat a dinner meal
later actor I think makes out with the wife
but cant be with her as his past marriage f'd out and he got bored
then she gets b--chy about something and storms off
later the gang chats about why dead guy committed suicide
he was a scientific genius (like goku's dad with that fake moon thing in dbz) but did construction and welfare work
things get more heated and they get kinda b--chy
actor walks out saying he loved them all and don't believe in negative cr-p
a chick follows him
later 1 guy and the curly haired chick make out in a closet and we get the song "you make me feel"
actor and that guys wife b0ne while standing up
baby wanter b-0nes the guy who called out blow guy
the next day the wife decides to stay with her husband after cheeting on him
2 of em are staying to renovate the house and goldbloom finds an old article he wrote a while ago
they all laugh and credits roll to 60s music
the end
that was pretty good and I enjoyed it
its subtle and mild with no loud or hard moments
not much thrilling happens but its not that kinda movie
its a good look at how 60s kids turned out in da 80s
good exploration of relationships and other things
I liked it and its got a good flow and pacing
it don't feel like over 2 hours with adds
for the big chill 2 I want it to be the next week and the chick wgho b0ned that guy to get pregnant is having weird pregnancy symptoms. turns out, the dead guy entered her womb as the egg was fertilized and is gonna be reborn as her kid. but its not natural and she's having weird visions from his life and feelings. also other ghosts are going on at the house and its haunted now. its also an 8 bit Gameboy and game gear and Atari lynx game where you play as the pregnant chick and gotta get through a level without absorbing too many ghosts as they make you expand more pregnant and slow you down. also he committed seppuku after getting sick of his life and wanted to try again and orchestrated the whole get together as he knew they'd be thee and she'd b0ne dat guy and it would be his chance to be reborn.

Monday, December 24, 2018

Monster A Go Go Review

note; I hear this film s-xked. good thing my spelling doz
Monster a Go-Go!
this is my review on Monster a Go-Go! from 1965
I 1st heard of it when someone was bashing the 2004 Yugioh mobie
the film was half made in the earl 60s but they didn't finish it and later another guy needed another movie so he got the rights to it and finished it with different people
Its directged by hershal Gordon lewis who did Scum of the Earth!, Blood Feast  Two Thousand Maniacs! Moonshine Mountain,  Color Me Blood Red and A Taste of Blood
those sound like troy McClure films from the simpsons
its also directed by bill rebane who did Invasion from Inner Earth, The Giant Spider Invasion, The Capture of Bigfoot, The Game, Twister's Revenge! and Blood Harvest
those sound so bad theyre good
It stars people I never heard of and weren't in much
so it starts with a shot of space and a guys legs walking over it
seems kinda anime
then da title to what sounds like surfer or early rock music
maybe jerry lee lewis
then its urth and da narrator sez theres a space capsule in orbit to check for cr-p coming toward earth
but they lost contact with it
so these guys look for it in a forest as something fell near there
a chopper lands near it and the guys there get iced offscreen
so da cops in the area go there in an unmarked car
guess they couldn't afford a cop car
so the cops find the capsule and I guess it was manned as they keep taking about a guy calle douglas who went up in it but is gone now
hes batman
or beetle jouuice
also da chopper pilot is fd dead
meanwhile, in this 50s style home these white people talk about how they cant find frank after the capsule came back
who da f is frank?
they mean doglas?
oh and frank has a kid named jimmy who's this golly gee wiener kid like jimmy olsen in superman
the guy there gets a phone call saying they found da capsule and him and 1 of da chix goes with him
wait, I think both dames go
they drive there but after him driving em, the blonde wants to come with him and he sez no
then why'd u drive her there you dink?!
they meet da cop and they find da cop and pilot
pilot is sed to be shriveled up like a prune and be burned yet he looks ok
also theres burns on da grass
1 guy sez diuglass couldn't survive but another guy sez theres no proof he didn't
at da crime lab, they find the guy was cooked in seconds by radio active cr-p
but I think theres no sign of radio activity on the area
then then aruge over if duglis survived
they say not to tell someone
the youtube vid i'm watching this on is cr-ppy audio
then I think the main guy (he's got blonde hair) meets the head of the project chris manning
like craig manning from degrassi??
then we see cr-ppy 60s dancing by 30 year old teens
they dance so uninterested
maybe i'm spoiled by Michael Jackson and fred Astaire
a white straight same age opposite family same species couple goes out in a car to make out
after they make out for a while, she stops consenting and gets out
then she screams after seeing something and we cut to the cops finding em iced
but da girl is ok but in shock
we're 20 mins in
that felt like nothing
good pacing
even though not much happens in it
the next day logan the dr goes out to where the capsule went down and the narrator sez he bit it b4 writing down his crazy theory
so he goes out with a scan gun or w/e and theres no music or talk
just nature bird sounds
Its kinda relaxing
then this 10 foot tall abe lincon looking guy with herpys on his face grabs from from behind and I thin b0nes him dead
later chris is on a date with this blonde chick and se sez she sensed the capsule coming back and people biting it
does she has psychic abilities??
maybe it her ki?
then they get word of someone biting it and go to the site
they find the logan or w/e there with a f'd face look
so chis I think looks around and finds nothing
and cuz login never told anyone where he was going or his plans they gotta eat film to figure it out
if more people bite it, its kogans fault
then I think its 8 weeks later and nothing happened
the monster disappeared
these guys go see dr Kramer this chick and logans brother
she sez after they found the pilot his blood turned to powder
they now somehow know theres a 10 foot tall 400lb monster that's radio active
and its the guy who was went up
and they gave him a lot of radiation repellent
turns out he was using a new brand (brand x?? get joker brand) and its only in use or tests for 6 months
btw this lab scene is one long shot that just keeps going on
they put effort in this
also the chats saying how much they injected him with are inconsistent
they see the brother and he sez they gave him 2x as much
but the test animal injected with it grew 2x its normal size
but theres an antidote but it couldn't take the transformation and bit it
later the Kramer and brother r working in a lab and Kramer goes home
then narrator sez brother had the giant in a storeroom and kept it sedated
but tonight he's late for his dose
we get some cool 60s indie camera work as he goes to the monster
when he eventually gets there, the stuff hew used to make the antidote he sedated it with is f;d up
he calls some other dr and goes there and tells him what happened
other dr busts his a55 over not telling anyone of catching the monster and brother is like "I f'd up. but I just didn't think of it"
later some chix are sunbathing in bikini's and the monster finds em
they run away
then these guys get a all and hear where the thing is (near the blonde chick's place) and he tells brother a dozen people saw monster
he's the sheriff I think cuz he's got a hexagram on his shoulder and the gov puts him in charge
brother sez monster is getting worse and the antidote he gave him wore off in 5 days
and each injection wore off sooner
oh the hexagram guy is a colonel
also he took the remaining antidote and its running out and he's using it on himself
once its out and he devolves, he could infect everyone in 50 miles
so colonel decides to ice him
then its night and army guys look for him
1 soldier tries to help a 12 year old sneaking out, sees the monster, and fires
much of the battle is black screen night
also bullet's don't harm it
later this 50s dame's car f's out and a guy with a truck helps and fixes it
she tips him but he don't want her cash as hes a good guy and you shouldn't tip
then she smooches him
meanwhile the col and bro set radiation detectors everywhere but the thing still has antidote and oisnt radio active now
a radio broadcast warns of the monster and tells em to stay off da streets
but the thing was in the guys truck and got into Chicago
I always said we otta nuke the slums
and the monster has a radio active aura of 25 feet
what is this? dbgt where goku goes full power ss4 and his ki burns?
so brother sez to use detectiors in areas by where the driver was found to find the monster
and colonel wants to j fk the antidote into him
the soldiers set it up and clear da streets
eventually he monster shows up and the soldiers near it call for back up
but it drops off radar
they look for it with the camera speed meter gun the logan had and find hes in da sewer
1 guy suits up and goes in with another guy
but the radiation is spreading
but they have a decontamination spray
they eventually go in and find the monster but its suddenly gone and there's no trace of it
that's some twilight zone sh-t right there
then they get a note saying they found douglas 8 000 miles away in a life boat with no memory of the last few weeks
so its like with darien and tuxedo mask in sailor moon?
or limone and yanagiba in wedding peach?
or alice and maskerade in bakugan?
or yugi and the other yugi in Yugioh?
man japan uses that a lot
narrator goes on for a while about some attempt at being deep but it comes off more plan 9 from outer space than outer limits
then a bit of that go monster go song from b4 and feet walking in space
the end
that was interesting
yeah it kinda f'd out
but like sonic 06, they did the best they could at the time
its got a weird quirky atmosphere
long shots that have little dialogue to no
Its sort of a weird zen thing
the effects were minimalistic but it wasn't annoying or mean
it tried to be more artistic and twilight zone-y given the little budget it had
I didn't hate it and sorta enjoyed it
Its sorta like with mr rogers how he has long things of him doing normal stuff to soft piano
plus it sorta was a bit interesting
tried to have a big cosmic mystery twist and attempts at deepness
Its not as bad as everyone thinks
plus that whole "scientist becomes radioactive giant with no memory of his events" was sorta used by marvel with the hulk
and the lizard
and the alien costume
for monster a go go 2 I want it to be revealed that in the guy who was found had swapped places with an alternate dimension version of himself from the effects of the thing that caused it. so the army starts getting hobo's and experimenting on em to duplicate it. 1 hobo gets out and s able to swap with his 10 foot tall other self but retain a psychic contact with it and needs to escape the base. its also a Nintendo ds or game boy advance or play station portable game where you play as the hobo who at certain points to solve puzzles and use each characters abilities (monster strength or hobo smallness) to get past stuff and fight genetically engineered monsters to save ur hobo homies

Wednesday, December 19, 2018

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 Review

note; people say this film s-cked. but they say so do my spelling
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3
this is my review in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 from 1993
its actually slightly based on a real ninja turtles comic
btw, some people think this movie is called "turtles in time"
but that's really the 4th Nintendo game
most people hate this one cuz its not as dark or edgy as the 1st 2 films
yet I find it more to be closer to the 80s cartoon everyone loved
I was born in 87 so I don't have many memories of it
I recall one turtle being mind controlled to get shredder and at the end of the ep was saying "shdredder! shredder! must find shredder!"
but was looking for the cheese shredder
and 1 ep where I think april turned into a bug creature
maybe i'm mixed up with extreme ghost busters\
but I had a few tnmt toys as a kid like a splinter that my dad hung from the ceiling vent by its tail
and this LCD game at my grade school where u move around and fight I think rocksteady
that one was like a tall rectangle with a bigger area on top for the screen like a gameboy
also once in grade school, a kid made a diorama of a thing but used a rocksteady action figure for it
I recall watching the 3rd movie on a tv in the hallway or open area at a center with a pool I went swimming at in da 90s
I later got into the TNMT games on Gameboy and Gameboy advance and they were usually good
back when konami did right
lets see how this holds up to my 21st century view?
so it starts in the distant future year of 1603 and guys on horses are chasing someone
theres some cr-ppy swordfighting and a ninja chick watches
at least its not miko mido from la blue girl
that would be a weird crossover
they catch him and cut to the turtles lair in soviet new York with credits
they dance and train to 80s music
I should note the brittish version censored the nunchaku as they are candy a55es
In the 2nd film they censored a turtle beating a guy with sausages as it looked too much like nunchaku
they also banned la blue girl for being too hot
so raf gets p-ssed they gotta train and thinks its not worth it
then april o'neil comes in dressed like da fonz
shes going on vacation and bought them cr-p at da flea market
also she wears a hat like joey jeremiah from degrassi jr high
1 think she bought was a weird Japanese septer
meanwhile, in the past, the horsemen bring the caught guy to the castle and hi dad is p-ssed he went out w/o permission
but the guy(his son ) is p-ssed at dad doing war
dad nearly cuts him down but a brit named walker stops him by shooting a metal bell
he brought 3 ships of powder and muskets to help the dad
son goes inside and pushes over stuff like hes tommy Wiseau and breaks over a stature with the septer
also theres a scroll with the ninja turtles on it that he thinks are kappa
he picks up the septer and it activates and switches him and april in time with 80s effects
also they swapped clothes
good thing she wasn't wearing a mini bikini
son faints seeing the turtles and splinter
also april has her Walkman and gets captured
son wakes up and thinks theyre kappa
also he speaks English as soviet England started trading with japan back then
but shouldn't he be speaking shakespere English or w/e?
they figure out they gotta go back in time to save her pretty quick
In japan they think april is a witch
her Walkman goes off and the samurai chop it up
she don't know what happened to son and tells brit sarcastically shes a witch
classic 90s tude vs Castlevania stuff
brit don't think shes a witch and has her locked up
Donnie figures out the time thing can only work by switchin an equal number people of equal weight
then casey jones shows up and they have him babysit the time travelers
yeah iike splinter cant handle em
also they got only 60 hours to save april
meanwhile, in the past, Aprils in the dungeon and they lock another guy up
a brit comes on to her but gives up
In the real version they'd be b0ning her
oh and the guy they brought in looks like casey
and she sees a rat she jokes is splinter
oh and the chick ninja is mitsu who leads the rebellion vs dad
they wanted to use her in the tnmt 5 tournament fighters on super Nintendo but after people hated this film, they replaced her with asuka and censored her b00bs jiggling ad butt shots in the American versions
in the genesis version you can fight as apriil which is pretty cool
meanwhile in the 90s, mikey wears cloths so the guys coming over aint naked
but the other turtles don't think they need it
at least the Japanese aint circimsized
then they time swap and the 4 guys who come by are in Japanese undies
and its his dads honor guard
back in japan theres a battle and the turtles are in samurai armor riding horses
no blood or wounds in here as its only pg
the horses run and 1 turtle is taken away while the rest crash in a pond
oh its mikie
as the horse carrys him, mitsu clubs him out and sees hes a turtle
so instead of shanking him they take him away
oh and the scroll with the turtles had their weapon like the sai and katana
oh and someone unseen gets the speter
wtf the son is named kenshin
like roruni kenshin?
so son nearly attacks the men but splinter stops him with words
later the turtles return the castle after the battle was won
the turtles hide under a cart to get in unnoticed and dad is p-ssed cuz the honor guard has their family relic
brit tells his minion to get april but minion bumps into a turtles and insults em
so they growl at him
Its just raf
then guys come for em and don cant speak Japanese despite being raised by splinter
so raf knox em out
they follow him into da dungeon and give him a wet willy and he flees and they save april
man we're like half an hour in
dat felt like nothing
then the turtle fight some guards and april saves not casy
they lock da door and jump down the poop chute to get out
but they say its just mud
cuz mud gets dumped down the dungeon chute
also don says; they could've fallen into a big greasy smelly pile of...
that line seemed dubbed in
I think in the real version its poop
da next day, mikiy wakes up in the village in a cabin
also apruil cleans the cr-p off and the turtles see her legs
by now they'd probably be getting hairy
and raf is impressed by how clean the water in
but then they get attacked by villiagers and kung fu fight
1 guy comes after april but not casey saves her
during the fight they make little comments that are kinda amusing
mitsu tries to j fk april but raf throws a sai at her bow
then they take off the masks and the fight stops
mitsu reveals they got mikey and they go to the village
I gotta say, real envoronments and non greenscreen nor cgi forced in looks pretty good
so the village is under attack by walker the brit but he orders the men to "fire over their heads"
even dragonball evolution had people getting shot
h-ll transformers the movie killed off like half the cast onscreen in the 1st act
both were rated pg
but the 80s tnmt cartoon had no killing either and people loved dat
so mikey joins in and scares the brits men
but walker brit thinks thinks its just a samurai in a mask
until he sees mikey and pulls a gun on him
also his minion is gonna j fk mikey but the turtles wet willy him and he fires and the shot makes walker miss
so the villiagers surround him and he rides through a cr-ppy fence
then a turtle saves a kid from a burning building
a reference to the 1st movie where Aprils apartment burned and all those foot soldier teens cooked?
but the kid bit it
so Donnie uses cpr to revive him
just like nikki sixx but less drugs
not sure how a turtle mouth can put air in him
also I hear turtles can breathe through their butts
Imagine him pooting cpr in him
so now the village likes him
later dad shows walker the scroll with the ninja kappa and sez in da past  the kappa beat his ancestors and they came for him
and he needs walklers guns
but walker jax up a price so he don't want it
later, I think the next day, the turtles train on horseback
they wanna make a new time septer but the plan is a55
april is p-ssed and showers in clothes as not casey wants to go with her to her thing
meanwile, in da 90s, casey gives em clothes and they get disgruntled by waiting
so casey shows em hockey on tv
the actor who played the dad was mister sparkle in the simpsons and jacks dad in samurai jack,
so they keep trying to make the sewpter and mikey makes a pizza but it burns
meanwhile, raf helps the cpr kid with his anger and tries to get him t enjoy being a kid instead of fighting
kinda like a smoker telling kids not to smoke
meanwhile the dads men train with guns
or is it walkers men?
yeah its walkers
also walker fires a canon and busts several targets
but the targets bust wrong
the time between busts is too much for the cannon ball to get through em
later mikey chats with mitsu about kenshin
back in da 90s the guard is watching hockey and eating junk food
so casey tries to have em play hockey
but they just fight
see, if the 80s cartoon did that, you smile
then its night in japan...wait... what about time zones?! Japan is 14 hours ahead of America! shouldn't they be in night when its day out here?
so dad signs a deal with walker and they agree to ice everyone
at the same time hundreds of years later, splinter senses something
that don't make sense
all the events in ancient japan are long over by the time splinter feels it
Its like if in dragon ball gt, goku feels danger from king piccolo in dragon ball
that's like something the Yugioh bonds beyond time movie did
so in a few hours the turtles somehow made a replica septer
but raf and mikey bicker over it and it busts
and mitsu tells em the dads forces are coming
then raf gives cpr kid a yoyo and comforts him about the coming attack and tells him and his homies to hide in the mountains (like uub in dbgt with bebi's attack)
Its a pretty good scene with heart
then he gives raf the scepter
he had it da hole time
and mitsu did it so they'd help her fight
but it was really cpr kids grampa who told them to hide it
this is one thing after another
then the walker men come by, capture mitsu, get the turts to give em the scepter and tell e to bring kenshin tomorrow and book it
and not casey did it
they bring mitsu to dad who don't believe her saying she don't have the scepter or kenshin
then he pulls a knife on dad but is stopped
later not casey wants to be equal partners with walker and not jest a spy

but then april come in on a cart as the turtles climb a wall
In da dungeon the geard dumps cr-p down the poop chute but the tretles come out and pull him under
they save her and april comes in to walkers room to bash not casey
also shes in a miniskirt and has been for most of the movie
april; he's lower than scum! he gives scum a bad name! walker; of course he does. that's why I hired him
dat 90s dialogue
da turtles go through the castle and find the scroll with the kappa
the dad comes in and almost fights mitsu but mikie stops em
then they fight the dads men
they free the prisoners I the dungeon (I thought there was only mitsu. is there a 2nd dungeon??) and more fighting
Its sorta like the Errol Flynn robin hood or captain blood movies
action but no blood
leo fights dad and wins
but instead of finishing him, he cuts off his topknot (which is a big dishonor to samurai)
then cuts a huge bell on him to trap him
just like mouse trap
but walker has april hostage
then walkers men come in with guns
walker wants em caped but not casey don't wanna
so they throw him with the Japanese and are gonna cap him too
but leo dares walker to ice em himself as they're daemons and the bullets will bounce back and kill the shooters
so walker gets a cannon against em
but leo dodges it by lowering his head into his shell
shoulders too
not sure that's how turetles work
and the canon blows open the bell
because of this the men all run in fear
so stewart runs off and gets his caged bird as the turtles follow him across da Japanese rooftops like a video game
he's trapped at a cliff and throws the scepter in the air so hard it tales almost a minute to come down
the teens get it and not cassie fires a catapult fireball that busts into walker and he blows apart into maty blood spraying chunks
it his the wood thing he's hanging onto and he falls in the sea
later mikie don't wanna go back as he lives in a sewer and they are loved here
but then kenshin activates the septer in the future and the others aint there yet
they're dancing to tarzan boy by baltimora and playing arcade games
then mitsu and cpr kid come by to say bye but mikey and raf wanna stay
mitsu sez some sappy cr-p and Donnie sez they shouldn't f with the people here's lives
also da honor guards are takin off their outfits and say bye to casey
they time travel but mikey is left behind
but then he swaps with the last guy and is back
kenshin returns and reconciles with his dad after the time travel just like with Jumanji
then makes out with mitsu
mikey is bummed but splinter cheers him up with an evlis ref blue Hawaii
then the turtles dance to 90s music and credits
then tarzan boy again
the end
that wasn't so bad
a good light 90s kids movie
year it wasnt as dark or edgy as the 1st 2
but on its own its not awful
the music is nice
the effects are good
Its actually darker than the 80s cartoon that everyone loved
I think people hated it cuz they were used to the ninja turtles films being srs and heavier
If this were a beetleborgs movie it would get less hate
its sorta like dbgt how people were so used to what came b4 that they didn't see this for what it was
its not awful and the 90s kid in me enjoys it
for teenage mutant ninja turtles 4 I want it to be set in the distant future year of 2014 and new York is a cesspoole of crime, violence, drugs and aids. april has married casey and has a teen son but he's malcontent and wants to join a drug gang. and its up to the turtles who are now 7 feet tall and roided up buff to save him. also april has turned to comfort eating from worrying about her kid and is almost 600lbs and casey is a big time hockey player who is on roids so he's big ad buff like hulk Hogan and out of town on games often. its also a 16 bit platformer with you playing as the turtles and ninja-ing through the twisted german expressionist city of new york and trying to take out the gangs who wanna seduce Aprils kid.

Sunday, December 16, 2018

Popeye Review

note; my spelling is as clear as popeyes talking
this is my reviee on popeye from 1980
its got robin Williams from Jumanji and I think the chick from the shining (shelly duvall)
its got wayne robinson who was mike hammer in the red green show and linda hunt who was the Asian midget in the year of living dangerously
its directed by Robert altman who did M*A*S*H* the movie
huh, it made like 60 million $ and cot like 20$ million
I never saw much popeye
but I recall being at my grandma's house in he early 90s and seeing the one where he throws a tiger at a tree and it makes a dartboard
then throws a rhino and it goes in the center
at the time I thought "did he kill that cat?"
back in da 30s, popeye almost was the 1st feature length cartoon
but Disney did it with snow white
I saw his mini films from Fleisher and thought they were great
so it starts with a b/w cartoon with popeye saying hes in da wrong movie
then live action credits to a boat in a storm
oh and Disney had a hand in this film
shou;ld've mentioned it sooner
then its daytime and in this actually made village instead of bad cgi the people sing
so popeye lands his boat and is taxed for docking
he also pushes a piano a bit and it flies back up like 15 feet
and he finds a pipe on da ground
popeye rents a room at a place and the owners daughter is olive oyl
she shows him his room and accidentally f's it up
later they have dinner and they meet the other characters
olive keeps bashing everything as ugly
like that goddess of destruction in dragin ball super
also all these little things popeye mutters are really entertaining
oh and Bluto runs the town while the commodore is out
commodore 64 or the one from that mr rogers opera about spoon mountain?
later its curfew and Bluto yells lights out and they all go out
what is this? the soviet union??
the next day they sing bout food
and wimpy keeps gypping people for burgers
I think hes an addict
popeye tells wimpy hes looking for his dad wjos lost in a storm or something
then some guys hassle popeye over his looks and speech
but when they bash his dad he gets p-ssed
they have a cartoony forcing everyone else to say sorry and then fight really cartoony
I love it
popeye kicks a55
I want an R Rated Popeye movie where he punches holes in people and its full of bones and guts. Medically accurate Popeye!
huh, Bluto was played by a guy from midnight express
and this was rated 12+ in Norway
buncha candy a55es
wouldn't be surprised if this was banned from new Zealand
they cant handle power rangers
are they allowed to watch care bears?
no heart is pretty scary to 6 year olds
later popeye goes to a gathering but its too high brow for him and he leaves
he talks to himself back and forth about being at the party like I do
later olive is in 1800s undies and sings about her bf
she likes how hes large
its Bluto
holy cr-p we're almost 40 mins in
that felt like nothing
everyone fears the big buff beardo bulto
hes like Uyghur from fist of the north star/Hokuto no ken
later olive meets opope and she gets confused and spins
taxman ants her to pay for impersonating a traffic cop but don't cuz he sees its olive
when popeye asks why hes charged a question tax
but as hes with her he gets off
maybe this is the soviet union
she chats with poipeye about his dad and they hear a snake
watch out for snakes!
but its actually a baby with a rattle
its mom cant look after him so she gave it away
what if a purvo found it and raised it to be his butt slave??
also Bluto is malcontent over olive not being there and busts the place apart like its dbz
they make it to the party and Bluto beats popeyes a55
also he taxes olives fam 121212.12$
its like when oh bba mma gave an extra hard time to non liberals in tax season
so popeye names the baby sewwtpea
also oxblood oxheart the big hairless boxer who's totally not axel hawk from king of fighterts/fatal fury comes inif u can last 1 round u get a few days tax free and all 15$$
olives brother castor faces him to save the fam
but just like ss3 goku vs bebi vegeta, his blows do nothing
oxheart (totally not ox king from dbz) kicks his a55 out of da ring literally
so popeye faces him and like ss4 goku vs bebi vegeta, dominates
ox a55 punches popeye in da face but to no effect
the popeye finishes him
later popeye and oline grow closer over the baby
later they go to the horse races and its all artificial with toy horses and cr-p
later wimpy uses the baby to choose races and wins a buncha cash
what year is this?
popeye don't want the baby used for gambling but olive wins him over as they need cash
then popeye sings about how I yam wat I yam
its actually fun
he even does a dance
later he takes da baby as he don't like em using it for gambling
later popeye leads a revolt against the tax man and everyone cheers
its like 1776
but wimpy gets da baby
later olive sings a song about how popeye needs her
later popeye reminisces about the baby and writes a letter and throws it in a bottle in the ocean
right after he threw it, the shot of his place was like a weird german expressionist thing
later olive gets wimpy to reveal he gave the baby to the Bluto
and Bluto wants the commodore is gonna use its psychic future seeing powers to make cash
oh and I think the commodore is popeyes dad
oh and hes got a buried treasure
bluito ties up dad and olive tells popeye
popeye goes in and I gotta say they really got robin wlliams to be good as popeye
he was a good actor
shelly duvall is perfect as olive oyl and the rest of the cast is a great match
popeye meets is dad who denies being his dad but popeye loves him
man they both are so alike
I wonder if he's inbred
his name is poopdeck pappy
his name is poop
to prove hes papys kid popeye has to eat spinach
but popeye don't like it (like the 1st few comix)
so he frees pappy and bluto gets olive oyl and the baby and drive away in a boat
so popetew chases to some island
scab island
it looks like where he fought Sinbad in the 30s
Bluto takes em to a cave and gets the treasure and theres a giant octopus in it
popeye faces Bluto but gets slugged out and a55 kicked
pappy gets da treasure
then b/p swordfight
but the tentacles come for da baby
its boat sinks but a hook and pulley saves it
in the treasure chest is spinach and mementoes of popeye as a baby
then the tentacles get olive oyl
is this la blue girl??
pappy throws popeye spiniace but he don't want it
so Bluto forcefeeds him nd dumps him underwater to bite it
but popeye went super Saiyan 5 and easily takes out Bluto
then beats on the octopus and slugs it away
then they sing pop eyes white dagon's theme song as robin willoiasms dances
the end
holy cr-p dennis franz was in this
this is b4 he became ron Jeremy
so this was a fun film
its upbeat, cheerful, lively, entertaining and just enjoyable
they really got the cartoony comic style down
critics hated it but I thought it was good
it came out around when flash Gordon from 1980 came out and both got hate but were loved by fans
its just a good fun happy movie
for popeye 2 I want the baby's parents to come for him but they are sea daemons which explains his psychic powers. also they take the baby to atlantis and want to raise it as an enemy of humans as they hate how humans poop in the sea. so popeye has to go after em to save the kid. the id has more psychic power than any of the sea people as it was selectively bred to be the best. also popeye uses magic spinach to breathe under water and goes to beat the sea daemons up to save his kid. its also a 16 bit beat em up like death and return of superman with you as popeye and instead of flying you swim.

Monday, December 10, 2018

Danguard Ace Review

note; my email is f'ing out as I use internet explorer and yahoo is too gay to use it anymore. so expect typoes
danguard ace
this is my review on danguard ace, the compilation movie of the 70s show
i'm not sure if this was in theatres but my homie sez so as Gundam had movies made of tv eps
it was part of force five which was a bunch of mech anime that aired on tv in America in the 70s or 80s or w/e
I know little of this but my wisconsion homie who got me to do Turkish star wars wants me to review this so here
its created by leiji matsumoto and music by shunske kikuchi
kikuchi did music for dragon ball, dbz, getter robo and sakigake! otokojuku
so after opening credits to zany music and edited in titlecards, main guy is getting a dr check up
he looks like the kid of kouji kabuto and saint Seiya
his name is winstar
his gf is lisa like in the room and Robotech
they get a signal and its the bad guy
their outfits look like Robotech II the sentinels
winstar goes out in a jet to whimsical/heroic music
he talks to the jet but the pilot bashed him and theres a chase through a canyon that independence day ripped off
somehow the bad guy gets away but he landed at the good guy base
the pilot sez he hates commissar krell like they do and wants to join em
winstar don't trust him and pilot has a metal mask sealed on his head
wont that kill him from his pores being shut off?
also krells men mindwiped him so he don't know who he is
then this 2.5 foot tall scientist comes in and they use a scanner to see if hes telling the trooth
he is
the 2.5 guy looks like groucho marx with his hair, face and cigar
they unseal a memory of him going into space on jets and he was hit by a blast from a golden ring
star fox 64 ripped this off
it made him blow out his team mate and he blacked out
he woke up in a cave and krell is there and wants him to work him for him
he turns krell down and fights robots as he tries to take out krell
but they put the mask on and zap him
later he fell and his mask antenna on his mask broke
he snaps other masked guys antennas and they escape
but most and zapped out
looking at video of his memory the good guys find the bad guys used ships the earth sent
meanwhile, krell plays on his huge organ and chats with his monocle minion who he puts in charge
so bad guys send a robot and it attacks the good guys base
but it has a shield
just like in Mazinger z
and regular pilots don't stand a chance
so mask guy and winstar go
wtf they call him mr x
is this mega man 06?
so winstar wants to fight head on and mr x wants to use strategy
they go into a canyon again to fight
they use a team attack where x blasts it and it opens its mouth, then winstar fires in its mouth and it blows
btw momocle and krell are totally not dr h-ll and baron Ashura from Mazinger z
on the way back the sun is going down as they were out flying in circles for the rest of the day and winstar respects x
but cant ask for teaching cuz he was a j-rk off to him b4
later they're building danguard ace and mr x is their new instructor
and hes now captain mask
oh and the commander of the base with the beard is like captain gloval from Robotech a bit
so mask chooses the best pilots for the anguard project
then they train em hard in a rocket sled and simulators
not gloval (who's named cross like the violence jack and maziger edition z the impact guy) narrates over how mask trains em
later captain stache (with 1800s facial hair) comes in and does a Nazi salute to krell
in Yugioh they censored the atlantis knights raising their hands by glowing em over to avoid that
yet in the 80s kids werent weeners
even in the 90s they had grampa fight hitler in hey arnold
stache wants to lead the attack and krell allows it
also shache totally isn't count brocken from Mazinger z
later another robot comes at em pioleted by stash and mask fights him
p0rn0 stash fires 2missiles and mask runs from em for a while as stach's robot heds for da base
stashes robot looks like that getter 3 getter robo forme
winstar goes out but stach bot regrew its missiles and fires on him
winstar blows out 1 missile and him and mask get their missiles to hit eachother
then they fly and get the last missile to hit stach bot
stash bot blows and stach flees
after the fight mask is p-ssed at winstar for going against orders and winstar thinks mass grudging on him
but then sez winstar did well
an unspecified time later dandgarde ace is finished
mask ramps up their training but 1st dr sez its f ing em up
good f--k the dr looks like ham from the simpsons(the ham radio nerd)
so the training takes out 1 guy in a snow accident
hes ok
another guy gets taken out in a training drone accident
is this final destination?
only winstar is left and gets to be the pilot
oh good f--k no
William winckler did the new dub of the show according to woikipedia
his dubs s-ck
even with good actors like Robert axelrod from Robotech and power rangers
so they test it going to robot mode out of 1 space jet that splits into 3 then reconnects different
it uses photon punch (not photon beam or rocket punch from mazinger z ) but winstar s-cked at it
meanwhile, krell had moncle capture 150 scientests for their plan and krell wants 1000
hope he don't get juzo kabuto or professor asuka(ryo's dad)
ooh or takeshi Kisaragi
so they attack the international science thing and winstar wants to go on his own in dangards
mask comes too and they go there
a robot that has nipple guns takes out human soldiers on screen (like Robotech ) and makes a clone of itself
wistar chases it but its an illusion
mask takes on real robo but cant do cr-p and gets shot down
cross orders winstar to help mask
why didn't mask just pull rank and tell winstar to pull out?
also mask is out cold and the jets on fire
he saves mask and the jet blows
also its sundown as he spent 3 hours going through the burning jet
the ambulance takes care of mask and the nipple bot comes after em
winstar faces em but they use illusions
he eventually uses a pulsar cannon (a chest burst that's totally not mazinger z's brest fire) to cear the fakes
then a buncha cool cr-p to beat it
he goes home and hears dukes ok (you'd get this if you saw g i joe the movie)
so mask busts his a55 over being glad he won a battle he screwed up a lot in
if I misplay in Yugioh but still win against a tough foe i'm happy
mask is just a hard a55
later krell busts his Nazi salute troops over not beating dangard
moncle makes hypno gas
later winstar goes to see a movie with some kid
lisa sez he let his last win go to his head
so mask hits a switch and closes the gate winstar is gonna go out and he nearly crash up
could've killed em all
he goes up and mask wants him to train
danguard looks like a cross of Mazinger z and Voltron
while training a bad guy squad comes over
this turns into Thunderforce IV Lightening Force as he uses a swirling shot and takes em out
but goes through hypno gas
he goes to land but the base is f'd
mask has winstar choose what to do but he'd all f'd out
koji I mean winstar goes in and it plays good 70s horn music
he finds cross who sez mask betrayed em and the training was to keep em away from da base
winstar pulls a gun on mask but don't know who cap
then he jumps and caps cross who's really stash in a disguise that blows off in 1 hit
winstar knows they call mask a captain and stash didn't
they fight through robots and get back in dangerd
and the base is really rocks
and the illusion wears off cuz of masks instructions
that makes sense
well, not really
as they take off a thing comes outta da ground and winatar evades it cuz hes not overconfident and has adrenaline
they transform and fight a digging robot
but get caught in a bottomless swamp and get blasted by the stach digger
they use the javelin that's totally not Grendizer and tick the digger as it pulls em out
mask recognizes stach and tell him to tell krell to let em alone
but he attacks em and they fight
they overpower him and flip his digger but he ejects b4 they blow it
Lonestar learned a lesson about overconfidence and they go home
later butch, the big guy who's between boss from Mazinger z and ben Dixon in Robotech is reading the newspaper he jacked from the cartoony robot and saw a guy flew a jet between 2 buildings in a city
after 2001 they cant say they anymore
also mask wants more pilots
the building guy is tony rocket (which sounds like a p0rn0 name) and looks like roy fokker from Robotech
mask has em see tony do his building stunt
then tony does air stunts like rick and roy in Robotech
so tony does an epic stunt and mask asks him to join em
good f--k tommy salami has a bad accent
next day tony Curtis comes by with mask
wtf butch's a mechanic and named butch Norton(like the anti virus softrawe)
mask tells wingsaber tony is after his dangard jorb
later a scottsman comes by named paddy so I guess hes an Irishmen
paddy was the biplane pilot who is realy good
hes a nice guy
hope he don't bite it
later they fly jets for training
but its going too far and mask don't let em stop
tony Zamboni seems like kind of a butt pope
they play chicken with the ground I mean sea and windstar blows out his arm pulling up
dr chex him out and hes just sprained
mask benches wingo and the other 2 are given the position
meanwhile krell wants super valerium and sends him homies to take it
its super solarium
I cant understand his bad accent
this spike ball hands robot that looks like a bioroid from season 02 of Robotech comes by and dangard with tonu and patty comes after it
wtf solarium is from mines?
toni toni chopper goes in ahead and winstar/butch go out
bioroid takes down dangord with its spike ball on chain hand and they fighrt on da ground
dangard gets f'd up and loses a leg
so tony ditches it and dangard gets more f'd
winko arrives and finds it
somehow the jet carry's this hulking robot on 2 fan propellers and they get it to base
tony robbins wakes up in a metal room and slams himself against the walls
hes caught by monocle and told to work for him
winstar wants to go out to find tony but mask wont let him
so paddy joins him and they go
they fixed it that soon?
but its leg was torn off
also mask's mask is f ing him up
meanwhile or later, krell finds his thing he wanted isn't ready and he blames stashquatch
so he uses a sword and slices off his face hair clean w/o blood
and monocle is now in charge
then tonu is taken to this ice base see the high status guy col haken who whips him for not saying col
hawken looks like hyoga from saint Seiya or ryo from Devilman
hawken shows tonu the base and tonu wants revenge for being whipped
he wants to return to base and be an hero
he blows other ships hes with and flies off
and hawkin passes the buck to stache as hawkin is only responsible for his men
the bioroid comes outta the ground as I guess it was there the whole time and attax tony salerno
and right then dangard arrives and winstar recognizes his air moves
they transform and toni sez hi then gets blown to dust
see you in h-ll tony
actually a kids show killing a main guy onscreen is pretty bada55
so they fight and dangard busts the robot as stash flies away
then dangard goes after him and finishes him
see you in h-ll stash
and a main character purposely killing a bad guy is too much for todays candya55 generation
even in power rangers the bad guys are just robots or aliens
was this guy human?
looked and acted human to me
so they find tony and hes not dead
he tells where the bad guy base is and later fly off saying the training mask put em through was just what they needed
I guess tony bit it offscreen
they go home and we get credits to funky 70s music and movie maker effects
they even do an xray shot of the robot like Mazinger z
the end
that was actualy pretty good
it condensed the story into a good film
the acting and writing was well done
the characters were good
the animinaton was well made for the late 70s
its sort of the bridge between Mazinger and Robotech/macross/Gundam
like ghost with demi moore or the 1st ninja turtles movies were the bridge between the 80s and 90s
I liked this and even though I never saw force five I thought this was cool
put it on the history channel
oh and good music
and good action
they'd censor the h-ll outta this if it were released now
for danguard ace 2 I want krell to release his moat powerful forces and even dangard ace cant stop em. but a new robot was made that combines as armor boosters on danguardace and its flown by lisa and butch as its got simpler controls. also it can detach and assemble on its own to fight as a robot. and krell takes it into his own hands as he fuses with the tech and becomes technorganic and can control the machine he is as fast as we do our arms. also its a 2 player beat em up on sega genesis, super Nintendo, turbografix 16 and atari jaguar and you play as the robots beating up other robots in citys. oh and tony is back as a cyborg and struggles with his issues of being stronger but less human.

Thursday, December 6, 2018

Dragonball Evolution Review

note; I saw dragonball evolution, and now i'm creationist! (someone make that a shirt)
dragonball evolution
this is my review on dragonball evolution
its the lve action dragonball movie that many people hated
the 1st time I saw this, it was after seeing the master of disguise and part of agent cody banks
so it wasn't as bad as those
most people who hate this are weeaboos who whine about krillin not being called KU REE REEN or goku not being called SONGO KOO!!
it came out in the 25th anniversary of dragon ball and adapts the pilaf and king piccolo arcs from the manga
so krillin isn't in here as he wasn't introduced in the 1st, and was dead in the 2nd
also most dinks whine about goku being played by a white guy
yet no one whines about piccolo played by an equally white guy when neither are human
goku's from krypton or w/e
its got the guy from war of the words (tom cruise ver) as goku, the chick from the day after tomorrow as Bulma and spike from buffy thre vampire slayer 90s series as piccolo
spoiler; most of those s-cked
most people also whine about all the stuff they changed in here from the books
yeah, I mean its not like ben hur, gone with the wind or the 10 commandments were changed when made into movies
so it starts with narration of how long ago, king piccolo and his monkey slave oozaru f'd up za worrld
but kung fu guys used the MAFUBA to seal him
btw, its not "evil containment wave"
even the blue water dub of dragon ball got it right
they didn't translate MASENKO so why do it to MAFUBA?
so w/o piccolo, oozaru vanished and now its thousands of years later
th we see goku training with his grampa Gohan
the fight scene is pretty well done
goku kicks a bug into gohans mouth
so Gohan used a ki blast to beat gokoo
huh, the director also did final destination 1 ad 3, and the jet li film, the one
I liked those
imagine an R rated dragon ball movie?
garlic jr pulling off krillins limbs and eating Gohan alive
and roshi with a bunch of wh0res
buu turning into a huge b00bed bimbo and b0ning hercule
and pan and bra with a buncha big ugly homies
Gohan sez goku relies too much on his normal senses
good ref to his training under kami and Gohan by piccolo
also Gohan sez goku needs to use his Ki
in the dub they just say energy
this is closer to the Japanese ver than most translated versions
also in here, goku dont fit in at school and the kids p-ss him off and he wants to bust em
just like Gohan in the buu arc
also he wants a gf like goten in gt
also its goku's b day and Gohan gives him a dragonball
its his only treasure besides goku just like in the manga
and if u get all 7 db's u get a wish
later at school, goku's electric bike is crushed by a big yellow car driven by some homies
one taunts goku into attacking him but goku resists
car homie goes off with chichi who's played by a real Asian for once
meanwhile, on this ninja gaiden/rocket knight like airship, king piccolo nukes a village but no one bites it
his ninja assassin mai (like from the pilaf gang) goes down and nearly caps a kid
but her mom comes out of hiding and gives her the dragon ball
mai then wacks her with her daughter hidden away watching
that's something good about this film
for an American tvpg live action film, it actually has people biting it
no one bit it in agent cody banks
esp with their daughter watching
meanwhile, in degrassi high, goku's class learns of an eclipse
but goku is fanatsizing over chichi played by Jamie chung from samurai girl and the gifted (that x men show)
in the books, goku didn't care for chix and according to dragon ball super's retcons, he never kissed a girl despite being married and having 2 kids
here its closer to goten or maybe Gohan
goku tells the class of his Asian grampa's cultural belief in the eclipse bringing the nameks
an alien race that nearly nuked earth 2000 years ago
soooo... in bible times?
wait, when is this set?!
what year is this?!
later chichi cant get her locker open and everyones gone to class so goku uses a ki blast to open all the lockers
chichi knows of ki and invites gokoo to her party tonight
later Gohan is making chicken feet as the chinese eat weird cr-p
not just rhino horn to cure limp d0ng
although I;m Slovenian and my dad eats pigs feet and pig brains and blood sausage
he grew up on a farm
goku leaves w/o telling his grampa and leaving him to celebreate gokus b day alone
also he takes the draginball
at the party some guys hassle him so he stands up to em
they attack yet he easily avoids their attakcs and they nail eachother
1 guy shatters his hand on a car window
yet as its tvpg theres no blood or bone disjoinment
the car homie takes a pipe to goku to murder him for some reason but goku dodges and car homie busts his cars a55
then car homie and another guy swing pipe and goku dodges and they take eachother out
that was pretty good
action and comedic
like dragonball
after that, he and chichi grow closer
I can see the dragon ball nerds whining that chichi isn't in her blue battle bikini
goku dont know of his parents but Gohan will tell him when he turns 18
which is now
meanwhile, mai busts into gohans home and throws shuriken at him
but he counters
then piccolo comes in and takes Gohan out
then uses his ki or mind or w/e to crush the house on hohan
goku senses something and leaves to go home
he finds Gohan who sez piccolos back
goku has future visions holding the dragon ball like with bardock in the 90s special
he tells goku to find master roshi and the dragon balls b4 the eclipse
then Gohan goes to h-ll, the final Friday
the next day goku berried him and parts of the house are still intact somehow
goku finds an orange martial arts outfit and out of nowhere, Bulma shows up with a gun at gokku
just like in the manga
she wants her dragon ball that was stolen but goku shows he has the 4 star one and hers had 5
she's kinda f'd up cuz she nearly killed goku
then again, Bulma was kind of a b--ch in the manga
also i'm surprized more db nerds dont whine about her being called Bulma and not buruma like in japan
esp since her name is based on the word "bloomers"
Bulma made a dragon ball radar and is after em to use their energy to power stuff instead of nucular or w/e
btw, dbgt did that with the dragonballs using positive energy to make wishes and it lead to the shadow dragons made of built up negative energy
so songo kuuh and buruma team up to help eachother and she has a capsule turn into an atv
after bluma tries to find him in the directory, goku senses roshi's ki
and Bulma detects a dragonball
they go there and its unlocked and they enter w/o consent
goku hits a boweling ball and it falls and hits a Go game but he catches all the pieces except one, which this a pot and wakes up roshi
the bowling ball didn't wake him up?
roshi fights goku and kicks his a55
so goku fires a ki blast and roshi dodges and it hits Bulma
actually that's kinda like something the manga would do
roshi recognizses the move from Gohan and asks how he is
goku sez he bit it and piccolo returned
roshi looks for his dragonball and Bulma finds his bikini mag
at least it wasn't p0rn0 like in the manga
goku finds the dragonball and has a vision of piccolo and cr-p getting nuked
roshi joins em to fight king piccolo
later they set out and roshi makes goku carry a bunch of cr-p to make him stronger
just like the manga
they he runs and has to keep up with a motor vehicle
roshi brings em to the temple to unlock the mystery disk and find the phoenix
but there is a kung fu tournament there
and chichi is there and gets slugged but beats the guy
chicks getting slugged by guys in fistfights?!
even most Japanese movies don't got that
in the tournament in dragonball neither ranfan nor chichi got slugged
esp not onscreen
chichi sez she heard of gohans accident and sez shes sorry for him
he accidentally caved in his own home?!
chichi reveals shes a fighter and no one else knows it
they're gonna be an interspecies couple
like Robotech
as goku's from space
after being at the temple for like 20 seconds, they go and roshi trains goku in Ki blasts as goku does a 1 hand handstand
btu then they fall in a plot hole
its yamcha who dug da hole and wants em to pay him o get them out
and despite roshi and goku having superhuman ki powers and skill,
they wait there til its moon up
after j-rkin off in a hole all day and night, roshi uses his ki to make the fire into cgi to tell how 7 mystics banded together to seal oozaru and piccolo with the mafuba
somehow piccolo got out (they never explain in this film.(but its better than "pilaf and friends somehow found him and let him out from a rice cooker in the bottom of the sea or w/e))
and is a few days, the eclipse will bring back oozaru
btw the "mystics" could be a ref to mystic Gohan
roshi wants to use the dragonballs to wish piccolo away
yamcha bashes their story and goku jumps but cant reach him
he could just wall jump like in ninja gaiden
only then does bulura's dragon radar find a dragonball next to em in da hole
and roshi jumps out of the whole in 1 try
he lets yamcha in on the infinite energy from bulmas invention that doesn't exist yet to use his digging tools
although he could just use his ki to bust rock
ty find a cave and go in as mai tells piccolo roshi is training goku
so piccolo uses a machine to drain some blood and make monsters
just like with piccolo's daemon kids in the manga
also; onscreen red blood in a pg movie?
even dragon ball super cant have that
the cave leads em to a volcano level and they fight piccolos daemon things
roshi slices em apart with a sword but they grow into multiple ones
so they throw em in the lava and use it as a bridge to jump across
also yamcha gets hit in the crotch by volcanic steam
just like when he fought kami in the piccolo jr arc
goku gets the dragon ball and has more viet namek flashbacks
then fights mai and tanks a face kick to counter nail her away
boys punching girls?!
even fist of the north star didn't have that
they have chicks getting iced by ki blasts or axes
but not fists
goku tells roshi his destruction visions and roshi sez its not set in stone
like with future trunks and cell f ing the future
Bulma sez they don't got the time to find the dragonballs
so roshi takes em to sifu Norris (chuck Norris?!) whos' ernie Hudson and trained him
he wants a sealing thing to use the mafuba to stop piccolo
meanwhile, theres a kung fu tournament and mai fights chichi
she loses but gets some of chichi's blood
blood in a kids movie?!
better than agent cody banks
yamcha and Bulma grow closer
later its night and roshi trains gokou to do the Kamehameha
roshi's ki movements are like what I learned in Aikido
he shows goku what to do and has goku light lamps with it
but he don't got it
he nearly lights the torches with a candle but chichi stops and helps him by letting him take a step closer to her for each torch he lights
kinda like with korin and goku almost taking the sacred water
so goku does it with help from chichi and they make out
also goku used hias ki to turn off the torches
are they b0ning??
later Bulma catches chichi sneaking around
but she then takes the dragon balls
they chase her but she uses a blast to make a fire wall
then real chichi comes in and fights her
goku jumps through flame and takes out the wrong chichi
fake chichi caps him with a ki gun and gets away
also, goku ko'ing chichi happened in the manga in the piccolo jr arc
so gokus dead and sees Gohan who sez its not his time
also, goku being dead for a bit was in the fight with raditz and cell
roshi revives him with a ki blast to the heart to CPR him alive just like in dragon ball super who totally ripped this off
roshi gets the seal jar and they race off stopccolo
picclo monologues about being sealed for so long and places all 7 dragon balls on a rock thing, which becomes his castle
sorta like with garlic jr
so the gang gets there in a flying car like in the original idea for the room and roshi and piccolo fire ki at eachother but the impact knocks em down
also a dragonball fell
now they gotta kung fu fight piccolo and goku is in his orange martial arts outfit
goku sez hes gonna beat oozaru but piccolo reveals goku actually is oozaru
he came in a meteor and on his 18th b day he gon be reborn as oozaru
so its like with ryo in Devilman
also goku being meant to destroy the humans is from the manga
so goku apes out and attacks his homies
roshi tries the mafuba on piccolo but b4 they said it would ice him
but piccolo uses a ki blast and busts the sealing thing
then goku kills roshi
just like him killing gohan in the manga
but roshi's last words reawaken him and he turns back
just like in gt how pan snapped him outta his apeing
goku and piccolo ki blast at eachother like its dbz and Bulma and mai shoot at eachother
Bulma runs outta ammo and sez "take it" and throws her capsule atv at mai as it unfolds and blows against a wall
freekin cr-pmobile
they fight and Bulma gets beat
but yamcha shoots mai in the back
the good guy, shot 1st, in the back, of a female
even star wars don't do dat
so goku and pccolo beat on eachother and gokoo believes in himself and raises his ki to Kamehameha piccolo
pilloolo fires a nova sphere like freeza and goku flows through it while firing a Kamehameha and busts piccolo
the elpcipe ends and rosi went to h-ll
instead of using his ki to restart roshi's heart, they use the dragon balls to summon the dragon
it looks like gamecube cgi
the dragon revives roshi even though he could've wished back EVERYONE who piccolo killed which would include Gohan
roshi's p-ssed he got kicked outta heaven by Gohan to teach those weener kids more kung fu cr-p
he went to heaven?!
but hes a purvo!
then goku returns to the temple or w/e and makes out with chichi
then they kung fu fight to see who's better
just le in that buu arc filer where chichi remembered her ate with goku when they were like 12-15 but looked 8 as they age slow
the end
in the credits theres a scene of someone taking care of piccolo
the end(4 reelz yo. wiggle wiggle)
it wasn't as bad as everyone said
were they expecting all 6 years of dragon ball manga to be adapted into a 2 hour movie?
yeah they changed stuff but the film on its own isn't unwatchable
its an ok tvpg americano film
maybe above average as they had stuff even the Japanese version didnt have
like chicks getting slugged in the face
I didn't hate it
most people who whine about it probably never even saw it and bashed it based on reading summaries of it
for an American tvpg adaptation of the pilaf and king piccolo arcs, it did ok
better than most live action tvpg movies
maybe kinda bad a55
they tried
they had stuff the funimation dub don't even say
like oozaru or mafuba or ki
most haters just focus on what was changed and don't see all the references to other db stuff they put in
As for people who bash this film because the creator or dragon ball didn't like it
I should point out he didn't really like doing dbz and prefers gag comedy
also the creator or mary poppins despised the Disney version and banned all americans from working on the play of it years later
all i'm saying is, its not as bad as the fans make it out to be
imagine if they made a sequel and got danny DeVito to be vegeta as he's a p-ssed off midget
nah he's a good actor. he'd pull it off
for dragonball evolution 2 i'd like for Goku and chichi to be married and have a daughter named Pan who goes around in a bikini top and  miniskirt as she played too much valis on sega genesis as a kid. yamcha and bulma are also married and they have a hermaphrodite kid who wears blood red leather and uses a samurai sword. king piccolo gets the dragonballs and wishes to be ruler of the world and imprisons Goku and its up to pan and bulmas kid to save the day by going from village to village and beating up all the daemons made by piccolo to free it, until they get to piccolo's castle and take him on. also its a 16 bit beat em up on sega genesis and snes with player 1 as pan and player 2 as bulmas kid. oh and they can go bleach blonde by beating enough enemies and doing a power up to attain super powers

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Hancock Review

note; I never saw this but got up just to watch it]
this is mty review on hancock (the 2000s film with will smirth)
its go that femoinist charlieze theron and Jason bateman frim little house on the prarie
the director also did Friday night lights and the battleship movie
the filme statres withe a guns blzing chase by some homies and the cops
some kid wakes up hobo will smith to stop em
after getting his booze and grabbing a chicks a55 he flies off while drinking
along the way he busts a sign on the road that f's the cars on da road
he negotiats with the Asians in the car chase but they open fire
hes bulletproof and flies their car around and the Asians reveal they speak English
also he sez hes gonna put their heads in eachothers a55es
like a human centipede
afterward the nes sez he did 9 million $ in damage and cant be reached for comment as hes camera shy
later jason bateman tries pitching a thing to let the company give away a drug for free
but the board don't agree
plus his pitch kinda s-cked
later hes stuck on train trax and a train is heading 4 him
and his cr--pmobile is cr-pping out so hes street grease
until hancock saves him and gets hit by a train to no damage
but everyone goes mental on him for causing a traffic jam
but Jason stix up 4 him
then hancock gives him a lift to his home in the valley
his woman recognizes hancock and don't want him there
is she a valley girl?
they have dinner and the mom sticks up for this kid f ing with her son as his fam s-cked
that kid need to be cooked and fed to his fam
also hancock gets drunk
after dinner Jason gives him his card and hanchock flies off
later his woman tells him not to get mixed up with hancick
later hancock is feeling bummed and finds jasins card on him
later he goes by jasons place and the kid f ing jasons kid keeps calling him an a55 hole
also hes a Frenchie
so hancock throws him a mile high and catches him
that should kill him in real life
also whenever hancock comes or goes by flying he busts the street
so Jason shows him clips him him from youtube of him helping/.f ing stuff
jasin wants to give hancock P R help
then the news has some blonde b--ching of hanchock not following da law
Jason suggests hanchok don't hep peple 4 2 weex to show em how it is w/o em
he turns himself in and gets booze and anger therapy
then goes to prison with lots of ugly guys
and hes the reason most are in there
maybe they should'ntve broke da law
they want his a55 and don't recall his powers
so he stuffs a mans head in another man's a55
this is a weird fetish movie
later sagon tells hanchoc hes got 8 years in here
but they might release him once L A goes f'd up enough
well, L A is a cesspoole of filth, crime, drugs and aids
in 2018 they decriminalized aids spreading
now its not a felony
oh but they give harsh penalties for using plastic straws
and hobo's poop everywhere
but you cant complain about it or ur being "intolerant"
I say we do what they did to Sodom ands Gomorrah
just nuke it
it worked for s/g. it can work for L A
later hancok and the inmate get group stuff
and Jason gives him tips
btw a super busting the city as he fights crime was done in the tick
later crime is going up and L A is just j-rkin off instead of fighting the crooks
jasons woman and son visit hanchok in jail
the music gets kinda bummer again and ries another sad moment as we see hancovk bummed
later Jason gives hancock a super suit but hacon would rather figt crime naked (whuch jasoin sed he did)
2 weeks later no one care hes in jail
he jumps out of the yard to get a b ball but returns
also he sez more in group
later the city is being f'd by gun guys (as guns are illegal in caleformia, only crooks have em)
hanchok arrives and uses batemans tips to be more polite
along the way he helps a female cop and asks for consent to carry her out from gunfre
 then he busts through windows in da bank and takes out most of the robbers
the last guy has a deton8er and hostages rigged to blow if he hancock dont help him jack da bank
also the captions censor every use of a55
even in associate
who captioned this cr-p?!
did they just use ctrl+f and take out every ss?
hancock takes off the guys hand offcreen and hivex it to da cops
so I guess hes free now and people love him
Jason tells hanok his life story
his 1st wife bit it after pooping out his bonde kid
hancok sez he woke up in a hospital w/o memories after getting f'd in a mugging and now hes got super powers
he has no name (like violence jack) and when axed 4 his john hancock he took it as his name
also that was 80 years ago
he had tickets for boris Karloff in Frankenstein
and did cr-p for 80s years but only now is in da news
why'd he come out now?
why'd the news care now?!
also he dont age and no one came to claim him so he thinks hes a real p o s
later hanchik almost kissed jasons woman and she throws him through the wall
is this my super ex girlfriend??
the next day she sez the damage was hankok sneezing
while jasons on da phone hacnko tries killing the woman but she's invincible
after the 1st time you'd think he'd get it
later he meets her and she sez they were angels or something but now are called super heroes
also they are the only ones left
that dont make sense
also shes stronger than him
and they are bro and sis
even though they made out almost
she's p-ssed at him for 3000 years of cr-p and he dont recall any of it
they fight and they city goes f'd from storms theyir fight summons
makes more sense than global warming
after the fight Jason sees his woman with hancko
at home she sez shes married to hankcok (inbreeding?!!?!?!) and they were made for eachother
but she dumped him decades ago and married Jason (bigamy?!!?!!?)
later hancok gets booze and the store guy sez "91; 10$" but its 911
hancock saves him but gets shot and is rushed to da hoipsital
there, jasons woman sez them being away from eachother makes em stronger but the opposite is true
she gives a history of when he saved her
and how after he got attacked in the 30s, he lost his memory and she left him
then guys bust in and cap her
so he takes em out and f's the hospital
but gets all f'd up in the fight
1 guy nearly takes out hancock but jasin takes off his hand with an axe
jasons woman bites it but hancock jumps out a window and flies away and she improves from him not being near her
even though she came to the hospital after he got capped
later hancok does jasons logo of his thing on the moon and jumps off a building to fly and go to do more stuff
just like how batman by tim burton ended
or spider man by the evil dead guy
then he goes to a crime scene and the black guy tells hancoko to help him and call him a55 hole
it ends b4 he stuffs the guys head in his a55
the end
that was pretty good
entertaining, good effects, good humor
not too dark but had like 3 sad moments
I liked it
also they toned it down from an R rating with I think a scene of him b0ning someone
for hancock 2 I want the aliens who made him to come down and say he was made to wipe out humanity and jasons woman's words of there being more of em was a fake memory they gave her. also as he lost his memory, he cant be controlled by em. but after seeing some homies on drugs bust into a kindergarten and eat the kids alive, he's given up on humanity, and has to decide if humanity is worth saving. also jasons woman got mindwiped and is now a vegetable and only hancock can save her. its also a beat em up like death and return of superman on sega genesis and super Nintendo and Atari jaguar with him fighting aliens and humans who joined em for black science powers.