Wednesday, August 29, 2018

They Made Me A Criminal Review

notew; I spell like a 30s homie
they made me a criminal
this is my review on they made me a criminal
its a remake of some 33 film and part of the dead end kids film series
its got john fgarfield and claude rains and may robson who was born in the slavery day
ooh, music my max steiner
hes good
so it starts with a boxing match
main guy pummels the foe and wins
lol his name is jonny
like da room with tommy Wiseau
he gives a clean positive view on winning to da fans
now hes world champion
a cop brings him a watch he loves
claude puts it on jonnys right hand as hes a lefty
claude sent an innocent guy to da chain(hes a cop)
1 guy mocks jonny for not drinking and b0ning a buncha chicks
wat next? making fun of him for not having aids?
later jonny is drunk and with some bimbo
if this were made today. they'd be b0ning
later another bimbo comes in and drinks his booze
she playfully fights him
johhny doesn't think friends are real and anyone who likes him is after something
he reveals his wholesome act is a lie and hes really scum
but 1 guy I there is a reporter
jonny tries to stop him but is too drunk and falls over
jonnys manager kills reporter with a bottle to the skull
then he and 1st bimbo carry jonny out and drive him to some place
manager tells bimbo johhny iced the guy but she thinks it don't sound like jonny
johhny doesn't drunk?
then gets drunk?
he hit a guy?
but its a lie?
its the room!!
also maganer jacks jonnys watch
they drink and drive and radio sez jonnys wanted for icing the reporter
they floor it but cops chase em
they crash and the car goes up in a freekin fireball
cr-ppy a55 union made American cr-pmobile
then newspapers say jonny bit it in da crash
the next day or week or w/ew, jonny wakes up and finds himself in a new place
but hes not tied up with leather like Charlie sheen
he reads da paper and hinds hes dead
he calls some guy and sez he cant recall killed the reporter
so guy sez to stay faking dead and to live someway else
and he cant get his bank account 10 grand
guy writes him a check and change his looks
da cops thin they closed the case
but detective clause conan sez he don't think so
the watch was on a different hole size and the wrong wrist
and hes gonna prove jonnies still alive to win back his status after having an innocent man executed
so the guy get jonnys cash from da bank somehow but takes most of it as his fee
and jonny cant do sh-t as he'd get da chair for it
guy tells jonny to not act tough nor use his fighting stance or he'd get fingered
and gives him 250$
jonnk travels like a hobo across the US America to Arizona
in a restaurant he drops a cash but a guy takes it
he nearly beats him but holds back
later hes on a train roof and jumps off as a guy is after him
then walks across the mad max violence jack wasteland of Arizona and comes by a forest
man we're like half an hour in with adds and it feels like nothing
good flow
also its made in 39 like gone with the wind and wizard of oz
so in da forest is a blonde and a buncha kids/slaves working on it collecting dates to sell
btw jonny keeps using the work "sucker" over and over
its his phobia
he blacks out and blonde nurses him back to health with milk(probably from her b00bs as I don't see any cows or stores here)
lotsa blondes in here
they talk and he smooches her w/o consent
nowadays they'd make him look like a butt raepist for dat
he gives em lies about being from texas
after they leave he gets dressed in his clothes and leaves
they took off his clothes?!
and put him in jammies?!
naked men!!
this kid bugs him and he shoved him in the dirt
kid attacks him and so does grandma from the slavery days
the other dead end kids are there and he wants work
he ges in a pit spitting contest with a kid and kid wins
the kids are delinquents and are here to reform
the kids have smarta55 remark at each other
jonny wants some smokes and dares a kid to jack some
he does
but blonde takes em back
then he trains kids to box
they had boxing equipment?
also he trains em to fight dirty
and shoves a kid on his a55 for taking his picture
kid gets it anyway
blonde busts his a55 for teaching kids to fight dirty
but he sez hes preparing em encase someone tries it on em
this story is a lot like the ones of a demigod kicked out of heaven and having to slum with mortals
Beyblade did it once with Tyson helping that kid and one kid had stars on his blade
or in batman the animated series where bruce goes undercover as a hobo and gets put in the hot box by that fata55
btw this whole thing of his life going from superstar to slumbum happened cuz he got drunk
plus the real crooks bit it cuz they drove drunk
its like that tiny toons episode one beer
weird al don't drink
amy winehouse did
amy bit it b4 30
weird al is like over 60
so later the kids (who are like 25 year old teenagers like 90210) swim in a water holding thing
but da farmer waters his crop and the water level gets too low for them to get out
and no one knows where they are
this is like one of those 90s shows to teach kids to tell people where they are going
then da farmer turns off da water
and a kid is running outa steem
so they take turns going to da bottom and opening the water manually to let it out
maybe they could use their clothes to tie it open
eventually the water is low enuff to stand in
they stand on eachothers shoulders and get a ladder
jonny gets em and drives em back and tells em not to say wat happened
and 1 is kinda f;d up from it
kids say he fell in an irrigation ditch
blonde wants jonny gone
1 kid wants to go with jonny but jonny sez no
offscreen a kid tells blonde wat really happened and she forgives jonny
later he drives with her and they grow closer
on the drive they stop at a gas station and see posters foe a european boxer where if u beat him u get 2000$ in 30s money
btw as this is da 30s I assume its the economic slump of oh bba mma I mean f d r
he goes to be signed on to fight but the manager there don't accept
so jonny slugs him and is admitted
what is this? double dragon?!
if u can beat me i'll let you in!
later he's training and slavery days granny trash talks him
later hes having some mad max style shower
the kids show they got his picture in da paper
he slugs the guy out and his jaw dangles
he just gets p-ssed
claude rains gets it and sez its jonny
but his superior don't buy it
so clause goes after jonny
later da dead end kids see this snooty a55 rich kid with a motion picture camera
they go and get rich a55 kid to come with em to play poker
and they cheet him outta good hands
I think
I don't know poker
I play Yugioh b--ch!!
I can see them using duelist kingdom rules to cheet him outta winning
rich kid; but my monster has more atk
dead end kid; yeah but you got a spellcaster and hes using a machine. its immune to magic
rich kid; ohhhh. that makes sense.
they swindle the rich a55 kid outta his clothes  and cr-p
at least they didn't make him bet his virginity!
later jonny sees a guy at da fight who's woman is gonna have a kid and hes fighting for cash
but he hears claude angela rainz asking if the fighter is a lefty
at dinner the kids get him some fancy item
I cant see it but I think its boxing gloves
he sez he cant fight and it bumms everyone
blonde b--ches about him not loving her and kids b--ch about him being yellow(that's racist)
1 kid tries to get him to fight and believes in him
this is kinda sappy but its got heart
kid wins over jonny and jonny is gonna fight
jonny talks to a picture of a priest and realizes if he don't fight south paw style they cant finger him
at da fight da kids con their way in saying their friend has their tickets
then the last guy sez; who's them? its just me!
then they fake having tickets by passing the stub
b4 da fight the eurpean guy is an a55
always hassling his foes and trying to hit a pressure point on jonnys arm to f it up
but jonny knows that move and prevents it
jonny trash talks back and riles him up
guy with preggo wife goes up and gets his a55 kicked offscreen
then jonny goes up to fight
cladue talks to jonny but jonny denies knowing him
they fight and jonny doesn't use his southern style
but gets his a55 kicked
round 2
jonny gets a55 kicked
same in round 03
btw hes holding out pretty well from these beatings
round 4 and hes getting creamed
claude sez just use ur left and kick his a55
jonny changes stance and beats his a55
like a Beyblade switching modes in battle
jonny lasted long enuff to make da cash
guess its a time thing
but he goes in one more round and gets his a55 beat
so we're back to where the film started
jonny after a fight and clause rains by him
slavery days gramma and blonde come in and are happy he won the money for da kids
then the kids come in and are happy to see him
after jonny gets dressed he tells blonde claude booked him fights in da east
she don't buy it and wants to go with him
he sez no and hes commin right back
she has jonny kiss her and he goes as she whines about wanting to go with him
at da train yard jonny sez claude is gonna be a hero when he gets back
and he wont try to run off
1 kid follows em and wants to go with jonny
jonny gives him a story and kid goes
btw, teens jonny helps and mentors with some blonde?
its denny and da room!
da train comes and claude sez da guy he iced had a wife
and her reaction to seeing him cook on da chair was like blonde just now
he lets jonny go and plays it tough
as train goes, kid jumps out from under it at high speed and doesnt get chopped up
they go back to town in the dark arm in arm side by side like Casablanca did years later
the end
that was pretty good
I liked it
nice lite and fun
good clean and charming
nice positive film about getting a second chance
its like when p0rn0 manga and anime creator toshio maeda got run over and got a new start at life after his homies ditched him 
btw the 2nd bimbo was Barbara pepper who was in a tar is born and of mice and men.
and green acres
and claude rains didnt do much in here but was a nice addition
for they made me a criminal 2 I want the kids to find a treasure map to some hidden Arizona treasure and go on an adventure to find it. along the way they find a tribe of desert midgets in Arizona who are undiscovered and live in some kind of interdimensional rift between realms. the midgets try to ice and eat re so they can be human sized instead of hobbit sized and the kids have to get out of their dimension and escape back home. its also an 8 bit nes, sega master system and turbo grafix 16 game where you gotta go through the levels and save all 6 other dead end kids(1 per level) and get midget tech to fight off the dimensional midgets and their organic weapon beasts.

Sunday, August 26, 2018

Harriet The Spy Review

note; the book spells better than my cr-ppy a55 spellingz
harriret thre spy
this is my revirew on harriet the spy (90s ver)
its based on a book I never read
also this has a millennium remake about blog wars
but computers are for sodomingoes
imma 90s guy
IBM computers and a trackball you roll by hand for da mouse
I saw this movie b4 but it was years ago
ooh its fullscreen
no black bars
so after credits that go on for like 5 minutes, we see this girl is spying on people and writing it down what she sees
often making comments on it
she wants to be a writer so she writes what she sees
a guy swipes as wallet but plows into a food thing
later she wants to be blood buddies with her black and white friends
but instead of risking aids they draw a pagan god image o their feet and press it together
this rich girl comes by and they hate her for some reason
these girly movies always have a rich popular chick the main loser hero hates
why canty we have the cool kid as the hero beating up the losers?
after making comments on everyone in the class as narration, rich and harriet are nominated for class prez
I think rich girl won
take that u loser!
u fail!
later harriet spys on a geezer with a buncha cats
later its the last day of summer and harriet and her homies go to this garden with some woman
the garden has all this cr-p made of trash
later she is with the woman getting put to bed and its revealed her rents are out on a work thing or w/e and woman guardians her
later its day and heriet makes a sandwitch of mayo and tomato
later she watches a guy making food in a cr-ppy place
she thinks its a veggie thief
so what?!
maybe hes a hobo and needs it to survive
later the homies and hioet read and mock the school paper rich girl wrote
then its home and woman has her bf (veggie thief) over 4 a date
at dinner they have a staring contest and Harriot makes a55 comments on him
he used to be rich but not happy so he started over and his wife ditched him
then Harriot and veggie guy go out and have g rated fun all night
watching a greta garbo film
when they get back, harriots rents r home and get p-ssed at them being out late and fire her
guardian sez its a good idea and consents
harriet is sent upstairs but sneaks down to spy on guardian saying Harriot can take care of herself now
guardian sees Harriot and they say the walrus and carpenter poem together
later b4 girdian goes Harriot asks if shes gonna fimd a kid to love more than her
guardian comforts her and sez she'd buy harriots 1st book in da future
they have  moment and its kinda knice
then drives off in a cab as Harriot runs after her
later in school they watch a 50s film about teens developing
but Harriot is bummed w/o the guardian
its shown in a way that makes me think shes gonna snap and start wacking people
later Harriot spys on her Chinese homie who's fam is p-ssed at him for crashing a truck
that's racist
also her white friend is buying cr-p from them and don't have enough cash
so Harriot comes in and gives him a doller
later theres gonna be some school class event
im not sure
im watching Yugioh abridged where yugi and kaiba fight dartz
so harriots black homie is making some chemical thing
she uses her large moms large bra to make mold
and it blows
wtf the black homie is a girl?!
I thought it was a guy!
later at her white homies lace and his dad is having viet nam writing issues
harrriot takes a snappie of white homie in a skirt cleaning
what is he? james from pokemon?
later Harriot spys hard on some big home
she sneaks in (breaking and entering!!!) when the door almost closesand a little dog barks at her
so she stomps it dead
she hides in a dumbwaiter
then wears gloves to pull a rope to go up
this geezer chick played by ertha kitt from 60s batman hears her and maid finds her
she is then vivisected for experiments to keep kitt young
shes just thrown out on her a55
later the trio of homies are laughing at the paper for having different views than them
then they play in da park
such 90s kids being 90s
the fashion and feel
in the tag game Harriot drops her spy books and rich girl gets em
she reads harriots g rated mean comments about everyone
even her homies and people who did her no wrong
this hurts the feeling of the kids she bashed
one kid she said shed hand herself if she was him
also she mocks her white homie's poorness
this is like when a celeb makes a bunch of nude photos and they get leaked
maybe if she didn't make all that evidence then she wouldn't be f'd by it
later harroit is bummed her cruel thoughts toward her peers got exposed
its like if I make a bunch of holocost denial vids then set em to private. but youtube makes em public
then acted like imma victim when everyone hates me over it
at school she's shunned by those she wronged
the kids pass around a note saying Harriot smells
harroit reads it and cleans ou her pits and feet in the school toilet sink
she plans to be a big celeb with her b--chy writing
well, now we got tmz so theres a future for her gossip and b--chyness
later Harriot tells rich gurl she's gonna get her
but rich gurl responds she and her classmates are goona f her up cuz they have a plan
holy cr-p we're like over half way in
that didn't feel like much
theye forme a spye catching clube
why is Harriot the main character?
is anything she's the bad guy
its like a civil war movie with the union as the heroes
the kids chase her banging on pots tied to em while on rollerblades
is this mad max?
she asks a cop for help an her rents bust her a55 over it
they say her spy cr-p is unhealthy
and want her to take a break from writing
she b-ches about her rents having partys and martinis
they get her notebook but she sez she'd just get another one
that's smart
tell them ur plan
reminds me of how the brits let leslie howard get gunned down in a plane during the war
they could've saved him but didn't want the axis to know they broke their code
so he got horribly killed
and he was a supported of England
too bad we didn't side with zee Kaiser in 14
at school she's frisked by the teacher to see if shes got a notebook
later in art class she gets paint spilled on her by rich fgirls homie
the class cleans her and I think its made to be a g rated version of her bring gang b0ned
she slaps rich girl and runs home to take a bath while having viet nam flashbacks
but fully clothed
she also scrubs her tattoo off
and rips up her notebooks
like.. in SE7EN?!!!?!?!?
is this how that guy started?!
does harriot get her womb turned inside out and become kevin spacy?!
later in class she carves the names of those who she thinks wronged her in the desk
good f--k this IS se7en!!
she then gets revenge on the kids she thinks wronged her one by one
then carves lines through their names in her school property desk
even though Harriot started it by writing mean things about the kids
its like if I try to beat a guy dead, but the guy shoots me, and I say imma victim
then she says infront of everyone that rich girls dad hasn't seen her in years and doesn't love her
holy f--k this Harriot is a real b--ch!!
that's the kid of thing that makes people attempt suicide
hope some child mo lester gets Harriot
and the only one who can save her is the rich girl
who just lets her be taken away to be b0ned dead forever
then she photocopys a bunch of pictures of her white homie in a dress and posts em all over the school
this chick is scum
she hurt him 1st
then he left cuz she was a b--ch
then she humiliates him
at home the kids she hurt's rents call their rents and hariots rents confront her
then argue with eachother
then Harriot freaks out
so they send her to a shrink
he plays kids games with her and writes notes
she whines about her notebook being taken and he gives her one
but gets it back
afterward her dad sez some bullsh-t about her being fine
later mom gives her back the notebook and sez she made a mistake over it
they should give her more beatings
beat the evil out
get da whip
later she has that 90s fortune teller paper things and plays with dad
he sez to turn around and behind her is a big naked guy who whips out his 29 inch...
jk its guardian
she tells haiort to sAy sorry and lie
then sez how good lies can help
later white homies dad gets a book deal or w/e and gets 10 000 $$
and hariot is watching
and white homeis finds her
he sez she's not his friend and shuts da door
you never know what she's gonna turn on you next
she broke ur trust
send her to h-ll!!
later the black homie leaves the gang that torments Harriot
in class Harriot sez class prez being editor for class paper is not good
rich girl don't like Harriot taking her job
esp after nearly driving her to suicide
but the kid Harriot sed shed suicide if she was him, nominates Harriot for 2nd editer
then da whole class votes for Harriot to be editor
it trys to make this look positive
p-ss everyone off
get revenge on them for not liking you after it
then win in the end
then she sez things aint always as they seem
and sees da alleged veggie theif had consent
and everyone leaves the spy hunters
btw this is all Harriot writing the paper
then writes good cr-p about all the people she p-ssed off with cruel cr-p b4
then sez sorry for all the mean cr-p
then retattoo presses her foot with white homie
the end
that was actually a good film
I liked it
but Harriot is a little b--ch
then again
weren't we all a55 holes as kids?
I was
and in grade 8 there were like 8 guys I just wanted to go to h-ll
but its got dat 90s charm and heart
I enjoyed it
plus in the uncut version they say SH-T
not on tv where I watched it on fox 29
for harriet the spy 2 I want it to be high school and she writes an article critical of someone who accidentally p-ssed her off. the article is pretty mean and the person she went after cant take it and attempts suicide. the brother of the girl she drove to suicide cant handle it and snaps and decides to take Harriot down before she ruins another life and begins hunting her down with a weed wacker to mutilate her dead. along the way he chops up anyone who gets in his way with the weed wacker and takes a big bite outta them on the a55 as he works his way up to harroit. its also an 8 bit Gameboy, game gear and Atari lynx platform game where you are the brother and go from level to level taking out people try8ing to stop you. also you regain health from wounds by eating the fallen

Monday, August 20, 2018

The Cable Guy Review

note; im not big on jim carry so im not gonna spell right(yeah, like that's the only reason I spell a55)
the cable guy
this is my review on the able guy
its directed by ben stiller from Zoolander
and stars the guy from ferris bueler and the guy from ace ventura
I should note that in high school this teen wanted me to be his friend and I had to sneak around the caf to escape him
we later got along but he was kinda f'd
so it stars with credits of a guy changing channels with static
ooh springer
its ferris waiting for the cabel guy hes moving in a new apartment
and calls jack black
also ferris is wanting to marry his gf
black sez to slip the cabel guy 50$  for free p0rn0 movie channels
when in da shower the cabel guy shows
its jim carry
hes pretty obnoxious
like a brain damaged jerry lewis
he pretends to seduce the wall to find the cabel
also by checking his billing he knows Ferris's gf kicked him out
after hooking up cabel jim sees a child star is on triel for icing his twin bro
the star is both ben stiller
ferris asks jim if giving him 50$ gets free movie channels
jim sez that's illegal but wads only joking and they become friends kinda
oh and he gives ferris free cabel channels and  offers to show him the sattilite dish and gives him his personal pager
da next day he takes fereris to da sattilite(not the slum in Yugioh 5ds)
jim sez in da future u can play mortal kombat over cabel and watch tv and phone all over da world
holy cr-p hes right
they talk about their dads and jim has a lisp from a steel toe boot beating he took as a kid
holy cr-p he is brain damaged
jim gives ferris girl advice he got from springer
on fa way back he tells ferris to watch sleepless in seattle to win his woman back
ferris asks jim his name and it warms him over
he sez its ernie "chip" douglass
later ferris uses jims advice to win back his ex
mtv airs ben stillers phonecall to da cops saying it was an Asian gang that iced his twin
its so bad I smiled
later at da gym jim comes by and plays b ball
then they have a slo mo montage of jim playing b ball like hes mentally ret-rtded
oh and jim shatters the glass behind da net with a slam dump after jumping off jack black like a Mario enemy
ferris tells jim off
later ferries comes him and gets a buncha messages from jim
later his gf comes by for da movie and his cabels out
he pages jim whos right outside da door
jims p-ssed for ferris not calling him back
ferris sez he'd do anything with him for it
don't say anything!
then he can b0ne u!!
jim fixs cable and books it
then we see a flashback of kid jim watching tv while his mom goes out to b0ne guys
then jim takes ferris to midevil times
no forks and knives as its da Castlevania days
but they get pepsi
how history channel
also jim wears Ferris's chicken skin and plays silence of da lambs
I lolled
this is like the only funny jim carry movie
then jim and ferris fight in mideval combat
after a few hits they fight like kirk and spock in dat star trek ep
jim kicks Ferris's a55
then they joust
ferris wins
later they go home and jim got a buncha high tech tv cr-p
but ferris don't want it
so jim sez his guy can take it back saturday
later jim has a bucha homies at a party at Ferris's place
they're geezers
Ferris's woman is still not back with him and is seeing other guys
ferris gets jim speech therapy lessons
then jim sings some 60s song like hes got brain damage
also jim gets ferris to make out with this girl and snaps a picture of it
the next day jim makes ferris bacon and eggs
I thought he was jewish
also the girl was a h00ker and ferris b0ned her
ferris snaps and sticks him with a kitchen knife in da parts
really he kicks jim out
later jim in a freddy mercury moustache sneaks to where Ferris's gf and owen Wilson are on a date
he pays the toilet guard to go and beats up own and jamms his head in da cr-pper
then tells him to stay away from the gf
the news reports it and theres an add for a tv movie of the ben stiller bro killing the other
it stars eric roberts from the human centipede 3
that's not a joke
he was in that
look it up
man the movie is like half over
that felt like nothing
later jim goes to see da gf and sez she got a cable upgrade from her ferris
also he sees a mark on her back while spying on her changing
he sez good things about ferris and sez a bummer story to get em back together
sorta like in erich von Stroheim's greed with the 2 other couples that show possible outcomes to the main story
she calls feris and they get closer
ferris tells jim he don't have room for another friend and laves him in da rain
also he don't want jim f ing with his life
later at work ferris gets arrested for receiving stolen cr-p
its the tv and cr-p
also da cabel company has no record of chip douglass
and ferris has to spend a weekend in prison
later jim comes by and they talk between glass
he sez he did it to teach him a lesson
then does the scene in midnight express where he presses his nip to the glass saying OH BILLY!
also he sez his real name is larry tate
feris tells da guard jim did it but jim knows guard and did his cabel
jack black gets him out and sez hes gonna look into his names
which would be much easier in the 21st century with yahoo and duck duck go
later ferris and gf go to Ferris's rents place and jim is there dressed like mr rogers
he has the photo of ferris and da h00ker so he don't turn jim in
they play p0rn0 password and ferris cant make his mom say something gross
ferris cant take it and tells everyone jims awful
but da fam sides with jim
jim does a gay tongue thing by Ferris's ear and ferris slugs jim
but the fam didn't see the gay thing so they side with jim
later at work, jim sent a computer video of ferris b--ching about his boss
ferris is fired and in a garage the cars all start alarm going off
at home black calls and tells ferris the names used by jim were fake and from tv shows
and he don't work for da cabel company
hes just a nut
later jim comes by Ferris's door and bangs on it mentally
he breaks it down and chases feris through his endless hall
but its a dream
its actually pretty f'd
jim calls and ferris sez he knows da cabel company canned him
jim sez hes after da gf
jim takes her to the sattilite and gives he speech about the future
when ferris gets there shes tied to the antenna
then him and jim fight and jim quotes water world 1
jim is slugged and is cures his lisp
but another punch unfixs it
jim and ferris climb the sattilite and the cops show up
jim holds gf hostage with a stapler
then sez he just wanted to be Ferris's homie but f'd up
that's kinda heartfelt actually
he goes on about how tv raised him and gave gf to ferris
he jumps and ferris catches him
jim sez someones gotta save kids from tv
he jumps and takes out da sattilite right when the ben stiller trial is about to end
then people start reading
don't worry
in the 90s tv was great
but now its just cr-ppily animated garbage and political soapboxing
now we have internet
also was his plan to save kids from tv to take out 1 sattilite?
theres other cities and cabel things
although his turning on tv after it made him is like in Robotech with Zor Prime and the masters
so jim just missed getting skewered on the sattilite spike and is gonna be ok
ferris asks his real name and he sez ricky ricardo
hes airlifted to da hospital and da dr calls him buddy
jim givs a ret-rded smile and da movie ends implying hes gonna f this guy next
the end
that was actually fun
good humor
good dark cr-p
good acting
crazy but fun
I liked it
it made me laff
and I normally don't laff at jim carry
I don't see why everyone hated it
its not so bad
maybe they just expected a lighter jim like the mask(who's original comic was dark and violent)
for the cable guy 2 I want the results of the trial to spark a riot and the country is tearing itself apart. but the town that didn't hear the results is safe. eventually 1 guy goes out of town and finds the surrounding area is a h-llstorm of burning buildings and people tearing eachother apart and eating eachother alive. he escapes back to town and has to get the people to defend the town wile also trying to keep the trial results secret as it will turn them violent if they know it. its also an action game on sega genesis and super Nintendo where you go around fighting people trying to get into town. its like mega man x or zero and you gotta go around protecting the town and get upgraded weapons and the 1st level is you trying to escape back to the tow wjile under attack.

Sunday, August 19, 2018

Graveyard Shift Review

note; I never read tis book or saw this film. so to make up for t imma spell cr-p
graveyard shift
this is my review on gradvate shirt from 1990
its by steven king who my cool 90s aunt likes books of in da 90s
btw im watching it on fox 29 at 2 am so its censored
it starts with guys working in a cotton factory
its fullscreen
get the aids black bars
1 guy punches a thermometer and talks to a rat
then theres rats everywhere lined up 
just get some footlong centipedes
they'll eat da rats
he drops a big a55 rat in the machine to get chopped up
da rats don't listen to him telling em to go so he drops another in
even if rats knew english, they wouldn't fight for a friend
then something unseen pushes him in da machine
then opening credits very similar to pet semetary
brad douriff is in this
then brad tries exterminating da rats with some kind of water hose system
he flushes em into da river
then a guy (I think main guy)comes into a bar and guys make comments
he looks like james dean
later a cop comes by da factory
main guy is in there
deeper in the factory cop and safety guy say the place is dangerous
but cop bribes safety guy
im not sure hes a cop
main guy looks a bit like kevin Costner
he meets not cop whos really da boss
main guy is looking for a new start
he gets 4 weeks union free work at the cotton picker
in da graveyard shift
then brad comes in and sprays a rat with liquid aids
at night he works loading cotton in da machine
but fat a55 rats come out
he picks em off with diet pepsi cans in a slingshot
brad is suddenly there and they chat
the place is infested and brad fought rats for 20 years
also he carries a firearm
he goes on a monologue about viet nam or something
he plays crazy well
later 1 over da top guy jokes around and boss comes in and sets him straight
then boss flirts with da 1 chick there
offering her a promotion
I assume in exchange for a b0ning
oh and main guy hears it from across da room with loud machines between em
she don't consent
over da top guy goes in the greasy grimy gooey insides of da plant and something gets him
what is this? alien?!
the next day or w/e people say the guy left
at da bar da workers ask if main guy likes chicks
he sez yes
if he sed no they might b0ne him
then they give him food with I think a dead rat on it
what is this? whatever happened to baby jane?!?
later only chick gives main guy a ride and boss sees
also secretary is b0ning the boss in private and tries feeling boss outside but he don't consent
chick flirts with main guy and gives him tips
later chick gets assigned clean up duty and busts up boss's car with an axe
so he roughs her up
she sez she knows things and he nearly slugs her
but main guy stops him
later main guy in in the basement and rats come
he gets his sling and pepsi can ready but theyre gone
he hears something and fires but its boss
boss sez next week its lay off week and ge offers main guy a special job 4 double pay
he consents
at da bar main guy and chick talk
they go to his place and chick sez boss tried to b0ne her for money
btw shes in a red belly showing tank top and blue jeans
sounds like a 90s video game character
they have a moment and hug
man, we're an hour in
dat didn't feel long
at night secretary sneaks in and goes through bosses stuff
she finds papers but then walks around in da dark
then falls down stairs, breaks, and da rats and a monster get her
later the night clean up crew or w/e is screwing around and boss comes in and settles em
later they spray rats with water
just get some big a55 snapping turtles to eat em
or snakes
btw the over the top guy is back
he finds a wood thing and reaches in
but as he opens it more, finds its full of rats
so they have it blasted with water
the hose guy nearly kills the black guy with da hose
when black guy complains hose guy blasts his feet
over da top guy tells boss this is f'd but no one backs him up
so he gets canned
if they stood with him, they'd be fired too
then boss would get some 3rd world guys to do it cr-ppily
good thing its non union
later brad comes back and has his rat hunting dog
and down river mills whine about brad dumping rats in da river
but the owner of the mill was too cheap to pay for dumping
boss black males brad to go to this graveyard and do something
but brads dog gets it when he goes in a tunnel
was the river thing part of the plan to send brad here?
then brad gets crushed by a box in this muddy crypt
don't worry. hes gonna be back after getting melted down and remolded
the next night main guy and chick playfully go to work and boss watches and follows
then beats up a punching bag
main guy and chick are waiting for something at work in the cesspool
then breaks over and back to work
main guy finds a trap door
he sez it could be with rats breed
a sewer of rat spurm
boss sends main guy in but main guy gets boss to go with him
in case of finding treasure he don't wanna be accused of jackin it
the whole team goes down and chick busts her leg somehow
hose guy gets spiderwebs on his face
then picks up a human bone, freaks out, runs upstaris, stairs bust, he falls through floor, and into a water pool
then a big a55 rat monster gets him
btw his name was brogan
like Stephan brogan from degrassi (the actor for snake)
they run and regroup and boss goes blackface with dirt on a wine bottle
chick runs (wasn't her leg f;d?) and finds a way out in the water
its da crypt brad bit it
man they got this whole phantom of the opera complex under the factory
the other guts go up this shaft and black guy finds a way through
but something in it eats his arm
2 left
the last guy besides boss falls through wood and boss saves him
then he freaks out so boss ditches him
main guy and chick find a way they might get out
last guy turns on a lighter and this big f'd monster is right there and gets him
boss throws a Molotov cocktail ad runs
but falls into a bone pit
no not the playboy mansion
main guy and chick find the bone pit and she sometimes limps and others dont
its in a big cave the size of a building
they find boss and for no reason he tries killing em
main guy beats him with a jawbone
what is he? Samson?! (read the bible)
the fight goes on and boss pulls a knife
he shanks chick and tries to get out
why'd he try to ice em?!
they could've beat it together
oh and I think the chick bites it
boss finds da monster and its a huge slimy bat monster
he goes at it with a knife they fight offscreen
main guy sees it and runs
if this were aliens, they'd nuke da place
he gets back to the factory but big a55 rat bat follows
it gets its tail in the machine and main guy shoots the on button with a diet pepsi can
it gets ground up as da rats watch
was that their king?
what is this? stravinsky and the mysterious house?!
also looks like drinking pop saved this guy's life
so he punches a time card and leaves
then music to lines from the film
ooh, frank welker did voice effects
he was megatron in 80s transformers
hair stylist; candy walker
sounds like a p0rn0 name
wtf this had help from japan
the end
that was pretty good
not exactly like pet semetary
but it had a few echoes
good late 80s early 90s feel
sorta like if alien 3 was good
I liked it
for the graveyard shift 2 I want it to be a decade later and the rat bats have arosen and taken over the town. they were shocked their homie was iced for doing nothing wrong and that the humans should've let the last movie rat bat eat them. the city is shut down and people live in fear as if they go out at the wrong time they could be iced. so the manly men have enough of this and launch counter attacks against the rat bats whine in disguise. and try to gradually take out all the rat bats one at a time. its also an up to 4 player beat em up on sega genesis and super Nintendo and Atari jaguar with you playing as guys in various outfits and fight through areas clearing out these rat monsters and often using power tools to take em out.

Thursday, August 16, 2018

Steel Magnolias Review

note; I never saw diss b4. so why spell right?
steel magnolias
this is my review on steele magnoisa
I hear its about chicks
so I assume its some kind of sailor moon/wedding peach thing
although family guy did a parody of it
not sure how accurate that was
its from da 80s and starts with dat cool tristar logo
its got sally field, dolly parton, Darryl hana, olimpia dukakus, and Julia roberrts and dylin macdermot
it starts with life in a 20th century town with nice music
huh, its based on a play
I never knew dat
this geeky girl walks around and finds a wedding
then a guy starts shooting birds
is this the south?
seems like it
geek goes to this house where this chick wants her husband to get easter eggs to da church
at the wedding home Julia finds a box of c0nd0ms the boys wanna put on the car
car fetish??
geeky helps do the egg ladys hair and shes doly parton
dolly hires her as a hair chick
then dollys mad max son rides off on a motorcycle
dolly and geek talk and its revealed geek lives with some chick who's fam bit it in ww2 and viet nam
then a geezer chick comes by and talks
geezer worries geeky might have issues
also geeky is married
at wedding house, julias bf comes in to doublecheck if she gon marry him
she sez if her dad catches him there, he;d cut off her bf's thing
later its tome to go wedding but this loud chick with a dog comes by and starts b--ching about them making noise that's bad for her dog
dad makes little jabs at her and she stays b--chy
later dolly and geek work on hair and talk about recipes
oh its the wedding fam they're hairing
they don't want Julia working after marriage
nowadays the feminists would go mental over that
also a radio station is for sale and they want geezer to buy it
they talk about colors Julia wears
this reminds me of gone with the wind
b4 the yankees attacks the south and ruined everything for em
they talk on and on about minor things
but its not boring
Julia told her bf she wouldn't marry him
but changed her mind
btw I like the bad 80s hair they got
its like double dragon or fist of the north star
then hulia starts having an episode
they give her juice
but she starts freakin out
shes got diabetes
also she cant have kids
man we're like 30 mins in with commercials
that felt like nothing
also it freaked me out
at wedding home dad and da boyz find arrows and a crossbow
time for some live action D&D
later dog lady comes in and goes b--chy
she bashes the dad and sez; mi bet he takes da dishes outta da sink after (or b4, I cant recall)he pees in it!
that made me laff
dog b--ch interrogates geek over her husband and it upsets her
her husband ditched her
might be into drugs
shes not sure shes married
spoiler; marriage don't end when 1 goes outta town
so juoiliA invites geek to da wedding
geeks name is Annabelle like the pink fatty from eek the cat
then dad sets off fireworks in a tree to f out da burds
dog gets loose and the chicks chase it
later they have the wedding
after it geek chats with a waiter ort bartender or w/e and has a cherry coke
also is an armadillo cake that's full of red cr-p
the bf's aunt made the cake
then they all dance to south music
later the boys bring da car and itds covered in c0nd0ms
were they b0ning it?
rednecks with a car fetish
juilia and bf drive off in their spurmobile
at night everyone leaves
then I think its xmas
they have a beaurty pagent
also geek has digivolved into a normal looking human
also geezer is now the radio station owner and announcer for a team
at home, dollys husband lost the contract cuz the other guy's bid was 6000$ lower than his
later geezer is in the mens change room talking about uniform colors
another chick tells her no one cares
take dat b--ch!
later Julia tells her mom shes pregnant
mom isn't excited and Julia gets b--chy
moms worried about julias health
they bicker and talk more
later Annabelle decorates a house super xmas
then dog b--ch comes by and juila tells her, her old b4 is back and single
but she gets b--chy over her cr-ppy marriages she had
later Julia brings em together(ex bf and dog lady)
later dad outs Julia over being preggers
later its summer and theres this blonde kids b day
juloia wants her hair done
at the hair place they talk
1 guys kid said he had months to live
then said hes kidding and really turned queer
that's pretty evil
a fake out like that
also a beauty xmas pagent chick was in a scandle at a motel with a politician
also Julia gets most of her hair cut off
and her kidneys are going and needs dialysis
and her moms gonna give her a kidney
holy cr-p
the director of this did footloose(the 80s one(the GOOD one))
also geek deals with her waiter bf having beer in her fridge
and he takes the Lords name in vein, which offends her(and God)
shes become a believer
later da chicks go to church and the dog b--ch lusts after her ex bf
later theyre at the hospital and I think they transferred a kidney
later its Halloween and Annabelle is getting married
they have a wedding shower b4 it and gets skimpy lingerie
later dog lady is getting her moustache removed again and gets b--chy over how she don't watch movies, plays or books
get a sega
later Julia blacks out and her husband comes home to find her
at da hospital shes rejecting the kidney
and in a coma
her mom takes care of her
later they take her off life support
mom goes to get her grandson and they hug to moving music
later they lay her to rest and Annabelle says some Christian stuff
the mom gets b--chy but Annabelle says julias a guardian angel now
spoiler; we don't "turn into angels" when we bite it
angels are created beings made b4 man
Its like saying spaghetti turns into watermelon after its eaten
mom then tells about pulling da plug and how the men left but she stayed
and how she was there when julia came in and left her life
later mom breaks down and wants her grandson to know what Julia went through to have him
and how she wanted to bite it 1st
and wants to hit something
so geezer tries to get her to slug dog b--ch
dog b--ch gets p-ssed and books it
geezer makes up with dog lady
she then reveals to Annabelle she prays
then mom plays with her grandson
Annabelle sez the baby in her is gonna be named after Julia
later its easter and Annabelle is super pregnant
her waiter husband plays the easter bunny 4 da kids
and dollys hair salon became a chain
and geezer tells grandson about Julia and the evil dog lady witch
dog lady surprizes grandson and he freaks out and slap her
kinda awful the women turning the grandson against this chick who did him no wrong
then Annabelle poops out a baby
waiter husband rides mad max sons motorcycle in the bunny suit
then credits as the camera follows them from da air like with in the heat of the night
but more soft hearty music
the end
I gotta say
that was pretty good
not much action
but all the characters are distinct
and its got good pacing and flow
the footloose guy did pretty well with this
and both this and footloose had blacker remakes in the 2010s
the acting as good
it made me laugh a few times
and it had heart
the music was nice
its a positive movie
gives me a good feeling in my soul
for steel magnolias 2 I want it to be a high school movie in the 00s with the son from the 1st movie and Annabelle's daughter as a couple but there's a  serial killer going around the school and they gotta figure out which of their lusty classmates it is. also its a detective game on sega genesis, super Nintendo, Gameboy and game gear and you gotta solve the clues and save the other lusty classmates before e gets em

Sunday, August 12, 2018

Murders In The Rue Morgue Review

note; I spell like ape. I mean cr-p
murders in the rue morgue
this is my review on murders in the rue moregue (da 30s ver)
its got bela Lugosi fresh (prince ) off of Dracula
its part of the universal monsters series kinda
its based on a (true?) story by edgar allen poe
its said to be the inspiration of sherlock holmes
and better than it too
so after opening credits to the swan lake music
hay, john huston did added dialogue
its paris in 1845
back in America they still had slavery
but today in the 3rd world, we still have slavery
theres a carnival or w/e going on
what is this? the cabinet of dr Caligari?
also belly dancers in bikini tops
the guys joke about liking em and the chix slap em
thats domestic violence
theres a station with a talking ape man
its Lugosi's
he sez hes the real deal and its a science thing
the ape is usually played by a guy in a monkey suit
but close ups are real ape footage
Lugosi has leaned ape talk and translates 4 the ape
then promotes the lie evolution being real
btw this evolutionist propaganda is not in da book
and Darwin didn't make up evolution until well after this takes place
and he ants to crossbreed man and ape
and offers chicks a chance to get close and see his ape
nowadays Lugosi would be the oppressed hero fighting ignorant rubes
at least ere hes still da bad guy
main chick comes close and it grabs her hat
then a man shes with
so Lugosi saves him, then blames him for the ape attack
Lugosi tries to get her info but they book it
later Lugosi finds their home as they are saying romantic things to eachother
then these 2 guys are killing eachother over a h00ker
fighting over who gets to have aids
I think they both bite it and Lugosi gets the h00ker and brings her to his lair
shes tied to an X like boris Karloff in the black cat
he gets a sample from her but finds her blood is rotten
that's what happens when u b0ne all those guys
Lugosi gets mad at the h00ker for having rotted blood from b0ning all those guys
what did you expect?!
then she bites it
Lugosi is upset by this and has his minion dump her aids bod down a trap door under her X
later some hobos watch da cops carry out the h00ker from da river
I just realized this is only a few decades after napoleon and the French malcontent uprisings evolution
the head guy at the morgue has the bod's stats read and put with the rest
later this detective comes in to see da bodies
the h00ker is the 3rd in a series of wackings
detective notes needle marks on her arms and wants a sample of her blood
but the head guy sez since a body vanished, the rules got harder
probably some french naecrofiliac
they are more open to other orientations
later detective is working and his gay roommate is getting b--chy about him being too involved in work to chat
then some French guy comes in and chats
I think he gave detective something
he did an autopsy and finds theres a foreign thing in their blood that iced all 3 chix
they talk about Lugosi and his evolution and detective sez he might be right
oh detective as with the chick and gay room mate with the ape at the carvinal
main chick gets a new hat in the mail
it has a note saying its from Lugosi and he wants her to see him tonight
also they never told Lugosi where they live
then everyone outside sings for and with her
what is this? Disney's beauty and the beast?
well its got an ape
later its a picnic and guy x girl couples chat in a clean way
even a shot of main chick on a swing with the camera on the swing moving with her so the background moves
she tells him Lugosi gave her the hat and he gets triggered
he figures Lugosi had him followed
and knows Lugosi is not normal
what is he? tommy Wiseau?
detective sees Lugosi and sez the main chick sez thnx but aint coming
Lugosi is heading to munich tomorrow
detective asks more about Lugosi's work
then goes
but as he leaves, a worker sez dr is staying in france
detective hides on the back of Lugosi's carriage and finds his lair
then cuts to him tells main chick he heard ape and Lugosi chatting
they chat about if they should know whats in other peoples homes
he sez hes leaving and that she leaves her door unlocked then leaves
but someones watching
its Lugosi
h goes in and fakes being detective to get her to unlock da door
she wants him gone but he keeps asking her to go with him
she eventually shuts da door on him
so he sends his ape after her
meanwhile, detective figures out its ape blood in the dead chix that iced em
then races to save the main chick
ape goes in her place with good shadow effects
and an ape hand shadow over her sleeping face
it screams, she wakes up, and faints
how useful
mom comes in and I think the ape b0nes her dead
moms screams get everyone up there and they bust the door in
but ape and main chick are gone
as is mom
did the ape absorb her?
like that green guy and megumi in Urotsukidoji II legend of the demon womb?
da cops think detective is behind it and grill him and everyone there 1 at a time
they say the perp was speaking some languqage
but all the people say its a different language
and the different nationality people fight over it
eventually they bring in detective who sez it was an ape
oh and I think the ape b0ned the mom dead
they find her in a hidden area in the room
the cops think he did it but he sez its Lugosi who did it with is ape
and stuffed the mom up the chimney
they think hes nuts but he finds 1 ape hair and they trust him
meanwhile, Lugosi has tested main chicks blood and sez its perfect
da cops come to his creepy a55 Caligari home and Lugosi sends his minion to hold them off
da ape gets out and don't listen to Lugosi and wacks him
cuz animals understand, and obey, human words
ape carries main chick out and up da roof
man, king kong ripped this off
da crowd sees it going across the german expressionist rooftops
eventually detective somehow gets to da roof  by climbing the pipe like Harold Lloyd and going up stairs and out a window
they get to the end and ape drops her to go after him
oh and shes awake now
he caps da ape and it falls in the river
good guy with a gun!!
then saves da chick
later head guy goes over the info of Lugosi's bod and make up some of it
cause of deth?
an ape!
the end
that was pretty good
I like how the animal rights guy got iced by the animal he loved
just like all these other movies about killer animals and those who love them
but this was 1st
unless theres some 20s film like that
like the unholy 3 where that ape ices those guys
but they didn't defend or befriend it
good acting
good story
good 20s/30s/1800s feel
simple and easy to get
but they had to cut like 20 mins of violence and stuff too hot for the 30s
so its only like an hour
and inspired king kong kinda
but I liked this
put it on he history channel
for murders in the rue morgue 2 I want the ape to have revealed to have survived and haled by a geezer who fought in the French revolution. he hates how france stopped icing rich people and wants to take over. and this ape is his way there. he eventually grows fond of it and they fall in love. and he learns ape kung fu from it. like where the human body weak points are that ape learned from Lugosi. but they also go on attacks against the rich and descendants of people who wronged him decades ago. its also a 2 player stealth/beat um up game where u play as the geezer and the ape and follow targets until theres not many people around and splatter em all so no one tells da cops. and if 1 gets away, u gotta take on da cops. its on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Atari jaguar and neo geo.

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Bram Stokers Dracula Review

note; this film s-cked! too much b0ning! also; I mention b0ning a lot in here cuz the film has it. sorry about dat.
bram stokers Dracula
this is my review on bram stokers Dracula (from 1992)
I like films in the 90s, films w/o cg, films based on books, and films set in the 1800s
but this one they just f'd up
it stars gary Oldman from the dark knight, Keanu reeves from bill and ted, Wynona rider from Edward Scissorhands and Anthony Hopkins from that movie where he has a killer puppet but it might just be him being nuts (magic I think)
its directed by fransis ford coppela who did the godfather and the outsiders
but those were good
so it starts in 1462 when Constantinople fell to da turks and they were invading Europe
Dracula and the Christians went to fight
and he tore a55!
sticking people on sticks
but when he was out the turks sent a letter to his place saying he bit it
and his woman suicides
when Dracula gets home hes p-ssed and wants the church to let her into heaven
even though suicide is a sin
and they cant just give 1 person special treatment over others
The laws is one size fits all
not; everyones equal but some are more equal than others
maybe in England but this is eastern Europe(the good part of Europe)
Also the church doesn't make the laws, God does.
so he blames the church and renounces God
even though it was the turks wo caused the whole thing
they were the reason he was out fighting
they sent the fake news(like cnn?)
the church did nothing wrong here
its like batman attacking the cops for not making his parents case the only case they investigate
his backstory makes no sense!!
is it a thing on malcontent teens who give up on their faith?
oh and he has a trippy scene where the church hes in bleeds everywhere and he drinks it
is this a metaphor... right?
otherwise this movie is just f'd!
btw theres stuff in the Bible against ingesting blood
even food like blood sausage and blood and kidney pie and blood pudding
later it London england in 1897 and this nutty guy is in the nuthouse eating bugs
hes got kind of a Gollum from lord of the rings thing going
Keanu is sent to take nuttys job as financial guy for Dracula whos buying property in soviet England
now Keanu might not have the best accent
but its not as bad as everyone sez
and hes far from da worst thing of this film
beats kevin Costner as robin hood anyway
also hes the future husband to winona rider
he takes a train from England to Transylvania in the 1890s and writes in his diary
theres a cool effect with draculas eyes in the red sky out the train window
good ominous music too
then he takes a carriage to draculas castle(not Castlevania)
btw I should mention I played the sega genesis version of this movie and I liked it
its not great, but its a decent game
just takes a bit of learning
wtf are those electric lights on draculas carriage?!
also f w murnau did this clever in his 1920s rip off of thing with the speeding up footage
at da castle is a creepy shadow which moves independent of Dracula
he looks and sounds like cr-p in here btw
hes not scary
hes just a weird europeany guy
imma weird europeany guy!
tommy Wiseau is a weird europeany guy!
in fact he seems like if tommy Wiseau went senile!
they have dinner and Keanu sees a resemblance with 1400s dracula's picture and this one
hen Dracula flips out and pulls a sword screaming at Keanu cuz Keanu said something he didn't like
then goes on a tirade
he IS senile!
or a liberal
either is possible
plus his hairdo looks like a mans a55
se of having his shadow move independent of him
but it was done b4 in vampyr in the 30s
also keanu doesn't notice anything wrong with his shadow being its own thing
is he peter pan?!
when Keanu asks why he buys those exact houses, Dracula goes on a monologue about destiny
also Dracula is gay for keanus future wife mina
wait, mina?!
like sailor venus?
The bimbo from sailor moon?
is this where naoko takeuchi got the name?
later mina is on a typewriter looking at, and being grossed out by, the karma sutra
and her home gurl lucy comes in and its revealed to be hers
spoiler; shes a 5kank!
literally everything he sez is lusty
its like Arnold Schwarzenegger and ice puns in batman and robin!
what is it with horror movies having some lusty chick in em?
you don't have some guy trying to b0ne all the chicks.
lucy sez she did stuff in the karma sutra last night
but in a dream
in a dream I made out with rogue from xmen (and she was 90s cgi)
they talk about Keanu
btw prom night 4 the last kiss had a thing like this with the main character and her blonde lusty friend
but the friend tried coming on to her
but that was just a test to see if she was queer
later lucy lusts after quincy morris at a party
Castlevania homies remember him as the father of johnny morris from Castlevania bloodlines/ the new generation from sega genesis/mega drive
and the grandfather of johnny morris from Castlevania portrait of ruin on Nintendo DS
both good games
but I prefer using eric lecarde/ricardo in bloodlines
his spear is a better weapon and controls better
btw according to Castlevania, quincy here is a descendant of the Belmont family of vampire hunters
oh and hes played by the brother of bruce campbell from the evil dead, billy
lucy goes up to him and talks about touching his big long thing and wanting to see it
his big a55 bowie knife
not his man thing
then lucy moves to another guy
if she were around now, she'd get the aids
mina narrates how she admits lucy and how guys like her
does she wanna be b0ned like her?
secret 5kank??
is this like in hobgoblins where the mild chick goes wild?
did fransis ford coppola rip off hobgoblins???
late we hear a news thing of nutty guy renfield returning from Transylvania and going nuts
he looks kinda like mr raditch from degrassi next gen
In da nuthouse he eats bugs and has some mad max thing on his hand
and wants to move up to cats
and sez his master will make him immortal
what is he? garlic jr?
then he tries eating the nuthouse guy
later Keanu is shaving and blacula appears behind him
Keanu cuts himself shaving and Dracula freaks out looking at a mirror
then breaks it with an invisible ki blast or something
why does a vampire have mirrors in his castle if he fears em??
also he licks the shaving thing's blood in a weird way
how long left in this abomination?
2 hours?!
I could beat Castlevania bloodlines in less
h-ll I could beat the sega game of this in less!
then Dracula goes around keanu and shaves him
but hes behind him! he cat see what hes doing!
he sees the reflection of a crucifix on keanus neck in his blade and freaks out
then sez his culture is different
Dracula laughs about the wolf sounds outside
then books it
Keanu looks out and Dracula is wall crawling like spiderman
Keanu writes letters and don't mention his fears as Dracula will read them
like facebook reading ur messages
or oh bba mma reading our emails
later Keanu goes into the basement and finds perfume
he hears voices and follows em to a bed
this is how p0rn0es start
but if its ghost p0rn0 its naecrofilia
Keanu is in bed with vampire sl=ts who appear
they start doing stuff with him
licking him all over
then 1 takes off his pants
this is like brokeback mountain
an engaged man getting seduced by someone else when out at work
but as theyre undead its necro instead of gay
wtf I think 1 bit his parts!!
and in the mirror above da bed its just Keanu wiggling around(with his pants on)
why is there a mirror above da bed in a vampire castle?!
then Dracula comes in
and wtf I think the vampire sl-ts are fused together in a weird mess
D; this one is not for you
V girl; but you have never loved
D I have loved b4, and I will love again!
gives girls a baby and they eat it
Keanu screams
Dracula(raepe face)
scene fades to black
wtf man
did Dracula just b0ne Keanu reeves?!
later Keanu sends mina a letter saying hes staying 1 more month to teach Dracula English custom
back in Castlevania, Keanu sez Dracula has gypsies who work for him and has dirt from the castle floor delivered to englind
later lucy sez she agreed to marry some high rank guy
but mina worries about Keanu
later, on a boat mailing the boxes of Dracula dirt to englind, dracla dreams of mina and does a cocoon thing as storms happen and the crew gets eaten
wtf they hose people on a boat off
did they have hoses in the 1800s?!
also renfield in the nuthouse gets experimented on or w/e
later we see this thing that looks like a fusion of bigfoot and planet of the apes going around somewhere
mina looks outside and sees lucy in the stormy night
she goes out and sees the sasquatch b0ning lucy
he looks like a joke
he might as well be dressed as sonic the hedgehog!
it sees her and things white out
then hes gone and mina helps lucy
wtf is going on?!
I cant take this seriously
is this an art film?
oh and sasquatch is hiding behind the shrubs
then narrator sez vampires CAN be outside in the sun
vamps, if you do your homework, only started fearing the sun in the 20s when f w murnau needed a different way to ice his vampire
he figured, its a night creature, the sun kills it
and it was so popular, it set the standard in vamp films
but here they don't have full power in daylight
also Dracula busts outta his box and is young again
he walks around London in hipster glasses looking like johnny depp and follows mina
also according to da news, a wolf got outta da zoo
drac meets mina and sez she looks like his wife
btw the whole subplot of mina being drculas reincarnated wife wasnt in the book
in there she was just another victim
here they tried to humanize him for some reason
what next?
gacy's victim being his wife in a past life?
why not make the teens Jason ices his killers in a past life?
later lucy is getting ready for her wedding and is feeling like shes changing
its AIDS!!
her current man chats with quincy and homies
but lucy is all f;d
hes Abraham van h-lsing (abe vhs) to come over to help
vhs is played by Anthony Hopkins
later mina and drakura wach silent films
she wants 2 go but he pulls her back and tries b0ning her
I think hes gonna eat her
or both like that gay german cannibal
but he cant do it
also is a wolf wandering around
I think its his familiar like in dungeons and dragons
he controls it and has mina feel his big white wolf
normally i'd say; In the real verson it was them b0ning
but in this movie, if they were b0ning, it would show them b0ning!
so he takes her home
then we are introduced to vhs talking bout vampire bats
and crotch diseases
great use of an Oscar winning actor
talking about b0ning and the plagues u get from it
at least hes not in an adam sandler movie
could be worse still
he could be de niro
from raging bull to dirty grandpa
hes not far from doing p0rn0
and marlon brando DID p0rn0!
last tango in paris
he thinks hes so big
at least when the Yugioh cast did xxx anime, they didn't show their parts on screen!
so Keanu escapes from the castle and tries to get back to London
but we don't see his epic adventure
instead we cut to dracula and psychically b0ning lucy
vhs shows up and learns lucy is missing blood
they hear her being b0ned upstairs and run up
he sees neck holes and gives her a transfusion
I should mention theres hardly any swearing in here
in the 1800s they had class
except gangs of new York
1 guy sez he loves lucy and would give his last drop of blood 4 her
vhs sez; thanks but we wont need that much I hope
Hopkins in great in anything
even a semi p0rn0 like this
after filling her with aids free blood, Hopkins points out theres no blood spilling from her bloodloss
and some things science cant explain
and eventually sez that its a vampire
later mina is on a date with Dracula and he awakens some past life memories of her
although go nagai did it 1st with demon lord dante in the 70s with ryo utsugi and medusa
Dracula tells her about how mina's past life and his woman suicided
Keanu gradually makes it back across the mud and cr-p to a church
and has em write to mina to come to the church in Europe to marry him
mina sees lucy and lucy tells her to be with kranu
and gives her a ring
then lucy goes mental over garlic
quincy sez if she don't get better hes gotta put her to sleep
she tried biting him
not the 1st time she used her mouth on a man
vhs holds her down and sees her fangs
even though brits usually have f'd teeth
then vhs reads about Dracula boilded, roasted, impaled, skinned and chopped up people. then drank their blood
and mina dumps Dracula and goes to Keanu
vhs figures out its really Dracula, who he hunted all his life for some reason
and has to save lucy
but 1st, dinner
later the men stand guard but drac attax and I think b0nes her dead
also at the same time, mina and Keanu marry
and we got nearly an hour left in this monstrosity
later vhs wants to take out lucys head and heart
and minas back in town and longs for Dracula
even though hes married to Keanu
when did this become springer?!
also I think they see Dracula and Keanu recognizes him even though hes 400 years younger
later abe vhs and his homies go to where they put lucy and its empty
vhs sez shes a vampire now
then lucy comes down and candles light up
they hate light!
also shes caught a kid
she tries to seduce the guy
but abe vhs stops her with a cross and rebukes her dead
then he has a guy nail her with a stake to da heart and they take off her head
then it cuts to them eating
good fake out to cannibalism
vhs tells everyone how he chopped her up
at dinner
Anthony Hopkins is the only good thing about this film
hes like scott mcneil in the 90s double dragon cartoon
or dan green in all those p0rn0 animes he starred in
that's right
bram stokers Dracula, the 90s double dragon cartoon, and bad anime p0rn0, all were almost saved by 1 excellent actor
but still kinda s-cked
so Keanu sez he knows where Dracula sleeps
vhs sez Dracula has the strength of 20 men
can control animals
can turn into fog
but needs to recharge in dirt from his homeland
and quincys bullets wont harm him
but head offing with his big a55 bowie knife can
doesn't it need to be blessed?
mina and Keanu are in the nuthouse for some reason and see renfield
he tells em Dracula wants mina and not to stay in the nuthouse
also renfiend yells at drakila over wanting to make mina immortal over him
maybe if u turned him queer and seduced him he'd do it for you
vhs and homies bust draculas boxes and drac ices renfiend by mashing him against the bars of the cell with his ki or something
draculas mist forme covers sleeping mina and they communicate
she wants to be with him
ur married to Keanu
this is also naecrofilia
then dracluna reformes and sez how awful he is
she hits him like a girl over icing lucy
then sez she loves him
I think
im watching it on youtube mirrored and distorted to avoid copyrights
she then wants to go vampire like him
btw in the book she was mind controlled into this
here its out of love
its like megatron becoming unicrons slave cuz he admires him instead of being forced to, to avoid being obliterated in the tranformers movie
he sucks her and cutz himself and she drinks his blood
that's a good way to get da aids
drac wants to not do it half way through as he don't want her to be turned
but she gets him to anyway
also her drinking his blood is made to look like b0ning
fransis ford coppola really turned into a purvurt to make these recent films
at least we don't see gary oldmans thing
so the guys go up to see mina for some reason and Dracula has instantly turned into a bat sasquatch
why did they leave mina alone in draculas place?!
vhs rebukes him but he makes the cross catch fire
drak sez he was betrayed and blames God for him going mutant
even though he renounced Him and chose the blackpath
if I close the windows and turn off the lights and trip over something I didn't see, do I blame the light for not being there??
he turned into a blue/grey bat monster?!
this ripped off Castlevania!!
and I think blacula did the reincarnated woman thing 1st
the lights go out and when it comes back on, Dracula is a pile of rats
it falls apart and escapes
imagine if he turned into a pile of soft d0ngs
they burn the rats they can catch and vhs sez Dracula fears em
later vhs tries hypnotizing mina to find Dracula
holy cr-p
one of the vampire 5kanks played Mary Magdalene in Mel Gibsons The Passion
so mina knows the route Dracula is taking home to Transylvania in his last box
they go after him by train
also mina is biting it from the aids Dracula gave her
but she wanted to turn
so drackila read minas mind and knew they were onto him so he evaded em by boat
somehow abe vhs knows he did this and they split up
also gypsies are helping Dracula
at night draculas vampire 5kanks come at abe vhs and mina
I should point out the sega genesis game actually scared me
after u beat 1 boss it goes black
then cuts to u surrounded by the vampire 5kanks as they cackle and chase u
its quite a jolt
so the 5kanks make mina try to ice vhs
but he turns her back
then lights a fire circle around him and mina
then rebukes them
howd he make a fire circle?
is it holy fire?
did pieces of the torch fall off in the right way?
the next day he iced the 5kanks as they sleep and throws their heads away
later the suns going and the good guys are trying to beat Dracula to the castle
what is this!? birth of a nation?!
I think mina casts a spell or something and its snowing now
oh and the good guys fight the gypsies
quincy got backstabbed
but hes from texas so hes bada55
after da sun, Dracula busts outta his box and Keanu slices his throat
good reference to the shaving thing 2 hours ago
quincy gets him in a heart with his big a55 bowie knife but Dracula busts him
I should mention, in Castlevania bloodline/the new generation,, its said quincy's son johnny morris saw this final fight
yet hes not shown to be in here
its like with Edwards being in the Alaska base in Robotech II: The Sentinels despite not being in the original macross cartoon
so mina defends Dracula and takes him in the castle
oh and Dracula looks like the thing in the troll movies
and quincy bites it
mina makes out with rotted chopped up Dracula and sez her love frees Dracula from dark powers
sorta like how in violence jack evil town, mad saulus makes out with his hermaphrodite gf's head b4 eating her
oh and Dracula is his human self again
she spikes his heart with the knife (as u gotta hit it 2x I guess) and smooches him
then she takes off his head and we see a picture of Dracula and past mina on the ceiling
the end
I don't hate it as much as I used to
I mean its still got a lot wrong with it
they changed the point of the book and made him sympathetic
what next?
megatron was only mean to the autoboots cuz one mo lested him as a kid?
its like making the joker from batman the good guy and having us feel for him
or carnage from spiderman into this romantic lead who only chopps people us cuz his gf dumped him and now he hates all chix
plus making the chicks he chops up be him doing it out of love
the effects were good in here and Anthony Hopkins did his best to save this film
I cant hate him
but the movie still is quite f'd
its like the dragon ball evolution of Dracula movies
I mean its not unwatchable
and other movies changed things from the books
and the effects are good
but theres so much lust and 5kanks
I might as well be watching la blue girl
the acting is kinda close to it too
and not just Keanu
I guess cary elwes from he princess bride is good
but gary oldman s-cked in here
hes good in other things
but I guess the director just told him to act like a nutmo in here
btw mel brooks Dracula movie was far better as its actually got good acting and jokes
this can be funny but not on purpose
yet that movie cost mel brooks his directing career
and this saved fransis ford coppola's company
its like bizzarro world logic!
this film had much more work put into the costumes and sets than the actual writing and acting
its like a game with great graphics but cr-ppy gameplay
is not boring or horrible
just kinda f'd in story, plot, characters and logic
Also its too long!
it goes on for nearly 3 hours w/o commercials!
and it drags too
its not like the ten commandments where its 5 hours but has good pacing and feel
it like, but not as bad as, titanic.
for bram stokers Dracula 2 I want it to be months later and mina wants Dracula back. but she still has his blood in her and saved a piece of his skin. using her memories from her mind link with him, she uses a ritual to revive him and eats the skin. but it causes him to revive in her and she turn into a hermaphrodite with half her face squished to one side and draculas face on the other. she decides to revive her vampire army and take over da world and starts turning people vamp one at a time. abe vhs and Keanu decide to take her down and fight their way through her vampire army and various mutated people she used black magic on and go after her from city to city. also its a 2 player hack and slash beat em up like golden axe on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Atari jaguar with 1 player as Keanu and one as abe vhs and they have a selection of holy weapons to fight with hat you can change b4 each level.