Monday, August 20, 2018

The Cable Guy Review

note; im not big on jim carry so im not gonna spell right(yeah, like that's the only reason I spell a55)
the cable guy
this is my review on the able guy
its directed by ben stiller from Zoolander
and stars the guy from ferris bueler and the guy from ace ventura
I should note that in high school this teen wanted me to be his friend and I had to sneak around the caf to escape him
we later got along but he was kinda f'd
so it stars with credits of a guy changing channels with static
ooh springer
its ferris waiting for the cabel guy hes moving in a new apartment
and calls jack black
also ferris is wanting to marry his gf
black sez to slip the cabel guy 50$  for free p0rn0 movie channels
when in da shower the cabel guy shows
its jim carry
hes pretty obnoxious
like a brain damaged jerry lewis
he pretends to seduce the wall to find the cabel
also by checking his billing he knows Ferris's gf kicked him out
after hooking up cabel jim sees a child star is on triel for icing his twin bro
the star is both ben stiller
ferris asks jim if giving him 50$ gets free movie channels
jim sez that's illegal but wads only joking and they become friends kinda
oh and he gives ferris free cabel channels and  offers to show him the sattilite dish and gives him his personal pager
da next day he takes fereris to da sattilite(not the slum in Yugioh 5ds)
jim sez in da future u can play mortal kombat over cabel and watch tv and phone all over da world
holy cr-p hes right
they talk about their dads and jim has a lisp from a steel toe boot beating he took as a kid
holy cr-p he is brain damaged
jim gives ferris girl advice he got from springer
on fa way back he tells ferris to watch sleepless in seattle to win his woman back
ferris asks jim his name and it warms him over
he sez its ernie "chip" douglass
later ferris uses jims advice to win back his ex
mtv airs ben stillers phonecall to da cops saying it was an Asian gang that iced his twin
its so bad I smiled
later at da gym jim comes by and plays b ball
then they have a slo mo montage of jim playing b ball like hes mentally ret-rtded
oh and jim shatters the glass behind da net with a slam dump after jumping off jack black like a Mario enemy
ferris tells jim off
later ferries comes him and gets a buncha messages from jim
later his gf comes by for da movie and his cabels out
he pages jim whos right outside da door
jims p-ssed for ferris not calling him back
ferris sez he'd do anything with him for it
don't say anything!
then he can b0ne u!!
jim fixs cable and books it
then we see a flashback of kid jim watching tv while his mom goes out to b0ne guys
then jim takes ferris to midevil times
no forks and knives as its da Castlevania days
but they get pepsi
how history channel
also jim wears Ferris's chicken skin and plays silence of da lambs
I lolled
this is like the only funny jim carry movie
then jim and ferris fight in mideval combat
after a few hits they fight like kirk and spock in dat star trek ep
jim kicks Ferris's a55
then they joust
ferris wins
later they go home and jim got a buncha high tech tv cr-p
but ferris don't want it
so jim sez his guy can take it back saturday
later jim has a bucha homies at a party at Ferris's place
they're geezers
Ferris's woman is still not back with him and is seeing other guys
ferris gets jim speech therapy lessons
then jim sings some 60s song like hes got brain damage
also jim gets ferris to make out with this girl and snaps a picture of it
the next day jim makes ferris bacon and eggs
I thought he was jewish
also the girl was a h00ker and ferris b0ned her
ferris snaps and sticks him with a kitchen knife in da parts
really he kicks jim out
later jim in a freddy mercury moustache sneaks to where Ferris's gf and owen Wilson are on a date
he pays the toilet guard to go and beats up own and jamms his head in da cr-pper
then tells him to stay away from the gf
the news reports it and theres an add for a tv movie of the ben stiller bro killing the other
it stars eric roberts from the human centipede 3
that's not a joke
he was in that
look it up
man the movie is like half over
that felt like nothing
later jim goes to see da gf and sez she got a cable upgrade from her ferris
also he sees a mark on her back while spying on her changing
he sez good things about ferris and sez a bummer story to get em back together
sorta like in erich von Stroheim's greed with the 2 other couples that show possible outcomes to the main story
she calls feris and they get closer
ferris tells jim he don't have room for another friend and laves him in da rain
also he don't want jim f ing with his life
later at work ferris gets arrested for receiving stolen cr-p
its the tv and cr-p
also da cabel company has no record of chip douglass
and ferris has to spend a weekend in prison
later jim comes by and they talk between glass
he sez he did it to teach him a lesson
then does the scene in midnight express where he presses his nip to the glass saying OH BILLY!
also he sez his real name is larry tate
feris tells da guard jim did it but jim knows guard and did his cabel
jack black gets him out and sez hes gonna look into his names
which would be much easier in the 21st century with yahoo and duck duck go
later ferris and gf go to Ferris's rents place and jim is there dressed like mr rogers
he has the photo of ferris and da h00ker so he don't turn jim in
they play p0rn0 password and ferris cant make his mom say something gross
ferris cant take it and tells everyone jims awful
but da fam sides with jim
jim does a gay tongue thing by Ferris's ear and ferris slugs jim
but the fam didn't see the gay thing so they side with jim
later at work, jim sent a computer video of ferris b--ching about his boss
ferris is fired and in a garage the cars all start alarm going off
at home black calls and tells ferris the names used by jim were fake and from tv shows
and he don't work for da cabel company
hes just a nut
later jim comes by Ferris's door and bangs on it mentally
he breaks it down and chases feris through his endless hall
but its a dream
its actually pretty f'd
jim calls and ferris sez he knows da cabel company canned him
jim sez hes after da gf
jim takes her to the sattilite and gives he speech about the future
when ferris gets there shes tied to the antenna
then him and jim fight and jim quotes water world 1
jim is slugged and is cures his lisp
but another punch unfixs it
jim and ferris climb the sattilite and the cops show up
jim holds gf hostage with a stapler
then sez he just wanted to be Ferris's homie but f'd up
that's kinda heartfelt actually
he goes on about how tv raised him and gave gf to ferris
he jumps and ferris catches him
jim sez someones gotta save kids from tv
he jumps and takes out da sattilite right when the ben stiller trial is about to end
then people start reading
don't worry
in the 90s tv was great
but now its just cr-ppily animated garbage and political soapboxing
now we have internet
also was his plan to save kids from tv to take out 1 sattilite?
theres other cities and cabel things
although his turning on tv after it made him is like in Robotech with Zor Prime and the masters
so jim just missed getting skewered on the sattilite spike and is gonna be ok
ferris asks his real name and he sez ricky ricardo
hes airlifted to da hospital and da dr calls him buddy
jim givs a ret-rded smile and da movie ends implying hes gonna f this guy next
the end
that was actually fun
good humor
good dark cr-p
good acting
crazy but fun
I liked it
it made me laff
and I normally don't laff at jim carry
I don't see why everyone hated it
its not so bad
maybe they just expected a lighter jim like the mask(who's original comic was dark and violent)
for the cable guy 2 I want the results of the trial to spark a riot and the country is tearing itself apart. but the town that didn't hear the results is safe. eventually 1 guy goes out of town and finds the surrounding area is a h-llstorm of burning buildings and people tearing eachother apart and eating eachother alive. he escapes back to town and has to get the people to defend the town wile also trying to keep the trial results secret as it will turn them violent if they know it. its also an action game on sega genesis and super Nintendo where you go around fighting people trying to get into town. its like mega man x or zero and you gotta go around protecting the town and get upgraded weapons and the 1st level is you trying to escape back to the tow wjile under attack.

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