Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Bedlam Review

note; this typoes are based on once true words
my review of Bedlam (the 1946 ver)
its got boris Karloff and an uncredited thing of Robert Clarke (dad of Robotech and the tick actor cam Clarke)
ive wanted to review this for a while but stuff kept getting in the way
ooh its by RKO
it starts with like George Washington era painting of Charles dickens stuff
I think this is based on a true story
its set in the distant future year of 1761 in the evil land of England
they call it the age of reason
then one guy hanging on a building is kicked off by a brittish guy
this rich girl in a carriage jokes about a fata55 named Mortimer with her parrot
they stop by bedlam and its said u can pay to see crazyes
like a zoo
also someone fell trying to escape
but he was pushed(like charlz other woman)
later boris Karloff is waiting to see Mortimer
this black kid tries to look like Karloff by making bad teeth things and it reminds morty to see him
morty chews out karloffs a55 over letting that roof guy bite it
Karloff claims its an accident
wait, I think the guy was just visiting the nuthouse
this chick is displeased with falloffs deeds
so karlodd has his nut house nuts (that sounds like a band) perform for morty next week
morty has the chick go to bedlam to see the nuts cuz most people laugh at em
that's racist
when karlodf gets back he wants to write a rhyme about morty
but a stone guy/quaker has been waiting
he asks to do the work for 18 ginnyz and return 2 to him so both get richer instead of doing it for 15
but quaker don't consent
Karloff shows the chick around the nuthouse for a payment
theres whips
moaning people
and an indoor courtyard of freaks
1 weaves nets
she notices they are in their own world
Karloff sez they like animals
he shows the chick (but not the audience) mental patients who live in their own filth
sounds like a poop fetish
not that theres anything wrong with that
he has some in cages and she gets p-ssed and leaves
Karloff sez they are happy and she whips his face
as she leaves she has car I mean horse trouble
the quaker helps her and sez since she hit kroloff hes gonna f the nuts
he gives her some optimus prime advice on the crazys needing rights and being people
she sez she don't need kindness to her fellow man and books it
shes either gonna change or bite it
later morty has a party and lols at a nut playing reason in a play
another guy sez its not right to use people like this
also I think hes gold coated
reason struggles and bites it
the brits laugh
the chick stands up for him but Karloff sez its his own fault
she books it and Karloff has another nut sing
later she chats with the quaker about life and cr-p
later Karloff chats with morty about how the chick wants the nuts to be more comfy
Karloff gets morty out of it by saying it would cost him cash
She tells him off and they bicker
just b0ne already!
she ditches him and books it
later the chick's furniture is taken back by morty
later morty finds shes selling the bird she trained to bash him
but hes gonna buy it back
this other chick flirts with fata55 morty and sez she likes big strong men
sounds like she has a strongfat fetish
after word gets back that buying it back wont work, Karloff wants to commit her to bedlam
typical England, lying to ruin good people
later the quaker comes in and morty tries to have a deathmatch with him
but just falls on his fat a55
later the chick Is living with the quaker but sweeps up for him
later she meets with morty and Karloff but she turns down their offer and smacks klarloffz face
so Karloff twists morty to have her commited
she is given a hearing (which I'm surprised at as England and soviet Canada aint good on real people having rights)
she sez she knows her alphabet from a to ZED(not a real letter)
a bed ced ded ed fed ged, hed I jed ked led med ned o ped, q red sed, ted u ved, w x yed and zed
they have her committed for not selling a 5 shilling parrot for 100 ginnyz
if that was in REAL money i'd know if that's a good deal
later shes in the nut house
they're gonna b0ne her dead
its sorta ike Abashiri family how Kikunosuke went to paradice school but it was a prison
morty gets back da bird and teaches it new tricks
I'm surprised he don't try to b0ne it
he IS English lol
later the quaker comes to see morty but the black kid sends him packin
later a cockney guy gives quaker the info on her being in bedlam
in bedlam the nuts keep saying her name cuz someone outside heard it]
quaker comes in but is denied entry as he has no arms and cant give em to the guard to keep em outta the inmates hands
typical England, twisting the rules to oppress good people
later he gets in somehow (I think through a shipment of stones) and the crazys freak him out
man those are some ugly a55 brits!
he calls to the chick but the crazies repeat her name so it takes a while
she wants out as the nuts scare her
he tries to make her being afraid of crazy people seem like shes as bad as Karloff
if he had to spend time with those freaks he'd hate em too
later quaker talks with a printer to see some guy named wilkes (like from gone with the wind)
but hes out so he gotta wait
in the nuthouse she gets to know the less insane nuts
they play cards with pretend money
its kinda nice to see people playing make believe
like that star trek ep where they act illogical to bust robots
1 guy has chains and they bug him so she goes to get da key in the dark crazy place
she finds a guy chained up and in a metal thing
hes probably dangerous
but she gives him mercy by tearing hewr dress and using cloth pieces to soften his chain burn
also a trowel she dropped is taken
Karloff comes in and mocks her over her wanting to reform bedlam
he agrees to fund her cleaning up the dump
later a guy wants a crazy to write his homework but its taking time cuz they're cleaning up the place
they have a flipbook animation and a guy sez the chick is like an angel brightening up their lives and helping those in need
Karloff sez he has a new 1 roommate bedroom for her
but its got a maniac in it
she don't wanna and Karloff sez its proof the weak must be ruled by force (how English) and the quakers words of love and peace are cr-p
so she goes in the cage with the maniac
hes gonna b0ne her dead
shes nice to him and he stutters
later quaker talks to a guy about the Karloff and settling his a55
in bedlam 2 nuts are arguing over a small thing and the chick helps
Karloff offers her a "cure" to "help" her but she don't consent
so hes gonna do it anyway
the nuts grab him and she takes his keys
his screams are unnoticed as everyone screams in bedlam
a guy (I think wilkes) gives her advice to get out the window
also other guys tried it but bit it
but she can do better somehow
Karloff begs for help but 1 guy sez hes a judge and tries him
the maniac nearly drops her but helps her on the roof
the crazys have a trial and want him b0ned dead
she goes to the quaker church and sez hes gonna bite it
so quaker convinces her to try to save him cuz his evil is a mental illness
at the trial Karloff plays the victim card and sez he only did it cuz he was afraid
and he wont punish em if they let him go
they find him sane (which normally means guilty) and are gonna let him out
but he gets a head shot and they think hes dead
so they hide him in a wall and seal it up
weird how these nuts know how to make a wall
as they put the last bricks in he wakes up
when the good guys arrive they cant find him and the nuts sed he booked it
quaker notices the wall and puts it together
but the chick convinces him not to tell as it would only bring them bad
rather than reveal the truth, he lets them get away with it to get the girl
the ending text sez in 1773 they got a good hospital and gave the crazys better living stuff
the end
that was pretty good
karlodff ids good at being evil
I liked the way they did things in here
not much horror but good atmosphere and feels
plus the b/w was well done
for bedlam 2 I'd like for the Karloff to have made a pact with a demon for the power to get out and is being kept alive by black powers. he rubs his way out of the wall by eroding it with his hands (which are demon powered to be undamaged) and once he gets outy he b0nes king George to turn him insane. with the king insane, the people follow him blindly as they are devoted to the regent at all costs. soon they let the crazy's run things and anyone sane is locked up and b0ned until they go nuts. then they set their sight on japan but joining japan is napoleon who wants revenge for them turning his home country of not france into new Sodom as they have rampant b0ning and drugs and cannibalism.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Robinson Crusoe Review

note; typing right gives u aids
robinson crieso
this is my review on robinson crusoe
its based on a book by some frenchie
this is da 50s version btw
its widescreen
after some credits a guy opens A book of rominson creise
hes the 3rd son and having northing better to do, went off to sea
then theres a storm and hes stuick on some candy a55 island
btw I hate the at his name is spelled
I'm gonna f it up
its not spelled in a easy way 2 do in a keybord
so RC cola looks around and nearly finds an animal
he only has a small knife
gonna shank some flank!
he climbs a tree and it turns night
the next day he akes up and cracks open an egg
but a bird comes out and he puts it back\
he looks around and finds hes got no land near\
he then runs down to cheerful music
the shipwreck is near by in the water so he goes there
ohhh, hes in the deep end!
he goes through the boat but its empty
so he eats some food and finds a cat
but the boat rocks so he loots the ship offscreen
he goes back and finds gold
but ditches it as cash is useless in the wasteland
so he gets fire equipment
back on the island he finds his dog
the next day the boat goes under and rats get on the island
then he builds a base
later he shoots burds and eats coconuts
then its 11 months later
he gets sick and in his coffee pot is a big a55 spider
he dreams of his dad being there
he talks to ronin son cruinse and sez some cr-p about not liking him leaving to go to sea
later hes doing better and gets water and starts fire
he sez the Brazilians use tobacco and rum to cure fever
nowadays that would be censored as modern people fear it
but are ok with chronic
he reads the bible and starts respecting the Sabbath
nowadays they'd censor that for fearing God
then he starts growing various plants
also he eats turtle and their eggs
and octopus
he also has goats
I should mention in the real version he b0ned em
that's not a joke
this is based on a real incident
and the real guy cut his goats ears to know which ones to b0ne
not that theres anything wrong with that
its natural
animals b0ne goats
later he milks a goats weird t-ts
man its been around half an hour
but the birds start eating his crops
so he caps em
why not just at da burdz?
good protein
so he makes a scarecrow out of a womans dress and sticks
but gets hot for it
is he gonna b0ne a scarecrow??
later its been 5 years
shouldn't his hair be longer?
so he gets drunk
I think hes been making moon shine
while drunk he drunk hears his homies
later he realizes theres no one
later he has a harvest
he gets wheat and makes bread
apparently he has a working oven on there
what is this? gilligans island?!
making anything outta coconuts??
he trains in clay making and sewing
but hes lonely
years later his dog decrodes and bites it
see you in h-ll rex!!
it tries to make this sad
in cast away they made a volleyball biting it look sad
speaking of tom hanks...
I want someone to edit clips from his movies Big and Philadelphia to look like one movie where hes a kid who grows up and gets b0ned aids
w/o his dog he starts going nuts
why not b0ne ur goats??
he speaks bible verses and the voice echoes
reading his bible helps keep him sane
but hes still going nuts
later hes been there 18 years
he starts talking to bugs
he feeds em to other bugs
I'm surprised he doesn't start cockfighting
on a beach walk he sees 1 footprint
someones there
the calls are coming from inside the house!!
he goes more nuts and scatters his animals so they don't give him away
he looks in a spyglass and sees cannibals eating eachother
hes been here 18 years and never saw em?!
I mean they come and go but still
hah! imagine if he was j-rkin off to them eating eachother!!
so for a few months hes on guard in case they return
he has a explo sove trap but he then realizes it wouldn't be right to just ice em
later he sees em getting 2 guys to sacrifice
but 1 gets away
they chase him but raw bone sin core ooh sew tries to help
he sees rc but runs
then r c wastes the hunters
the survivor worships him
1 cannibal comes back but survivor wastes him
I should mention in the real version the survivor wasn't there
its like robin, added to give the main guy someone to talk to
rc has the survivor bury their kill
back at the rc base, the survivor is amazed at the stuff
rc asks the guys name but he don't speak English
so he names him Friday
nd has him call him master
nowadays that would be censored for offending the long dead slaves
he stays up all night in case of cannibals
he didn't let Friday have a weapon and he used his musket to keep fear/respect
he also worries about being eaten
also rc might teach him to smoke
he teaches him engish
better than him learning Friday's talk
after learning some English he sez he might wanna return to the island of his people
later Friday comes in rominson creunes room
but he just wants a smoke
but robvuinson creuecwe cant trust Friday and chains hi up
the chains were made for slaves
they'd censor this as all protagonists must be 100% imitable and pc
rc sez he did it cuz Friday wanted to return home
but Friday wanted to bring rc with him
rc wants to set him free
Friday gets a gun... and sez to kill him instead of kicking him out
they reconcile and rc sez he;d never leave
Friday was loyal
then they learn the power of teamwork
later Friday finds gold coins and sticks em on himself as "gold for war"
he also wears a dress
but rc fixes that
later rc sez these are his happiest years on da island
later they have a discussion on good and evil
later hes been there 28 years
he gets into making a craft to get to spain in the north
but cannibals are in the area
one nearly j fk's him with an arrow
but Friday j fk's the sniper
but more cannibals get the body
so Friday and rc sniper em
Friday fights a cannibal
one of em bites it
not sure who
oh its the cannibal
more cannibals are on the island
later robinsin ribse trains Friday to use guns
but they hear gunshots
civilized people came
oh wait, its pirates
they goin bury treasure and have prisoners
Friday frees one prisoner from rope, then another
then they catch the sleping guard
rc saves em
they were the real crew and a mutiny took over
so rc helps em to get home
Friday comes by the mutiny with fruit but they kick it away
they gonna ice him but they notice hes rearing gold
they wanna know where he got it
so he leads em into to the empty base
they search for treasure and blow away a snake in a box
they rc Friday and the 2 guys hold em up at gunpoint
later rc looks in the mirror and recalls how he looked 30 years ago
he's dressed and groomed
he leaves the mutiny people on his island to learn value and meaning
also they'd be hung if they went home
and unlike robinsin cruesere they have other people to talk to
also they have ll the cr-p rc built up over the last decades
he leaves the island
the end
that was pretty good
nice color
nice effects
good pacing
it didn't feel long
it had the flow
good 50s book movie
for robinson crusoe 2 i'd like him to return to England but he finds theres a new king and hes increased taxes and is oppressing the people. he is persecuted for disagreeing with the regent and is a fugitive. using his island skills he takes on the kingsmen and gradually gains followers to aid him in his quest. also Friday is hated by da britz for not being a brit and they try to eat him as their way of getting "revenge" on him for not being them(a "taste of his own medicine"). also Friday uses island kung fu to take on the britz and eventually they face the king who's big and fat and greasy and eats hias own men to heal. its a 16 bit beat em up on sega genesis and snes with 1 player as robinson crusoe and he other as friday

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

The Most Dangerous Game Review

note; you'd spell like me if you didn't care either
the most dangerous game
diss is my review on da moist dangeriss game(1932)
its got joel mccrea and fay wray from king kong
I hear this was made at the same time as king kong with similar people
even shot on the same sets at night
nights into dreams
also Robert Armstrong from king kong, iron man(30s version) and gay blades
are these p0rn0es?!
ooh, he was also in mighty joe young
so this is by RKO and starts with a sorta silent film opening of crediys as a hand knocks a door knocker
david o selznik and max steiner did this
all star
so a boat goes across da water and they are cutting across a not well known water area
re heading for a channel between an island and main land
but somethings off
and the waters have high coral and sharks
1 guy on da boat is a trophy hunter
they discuss the pros and cons of hunting
when a bug gets in my place, I go after it
its a good experience
then the boat crashes and everyones in the water
the main guy gets to an island
I forgot 2 mention this based on a small story
he goes to a castle and asks the owner for help
but its really a minion whos deaf
he talks to count zaroff the real owner who's smoking
nowadays people would want this film censored for showing smokes
but b0ning and swearing and icing is ok
count sez this happened b4 and they have survivors from past wrecks still there
they introduce a few other characters including a kinda fruity guy who looks like the yeeeeeeesssssss guy from the simpsons
they chat about hunting for a bit
yessssssss guy is also a hunter
zaroff was once on a hunt and a buffalo nailed him and gave him a head scar
after getting bored with hunting he started hunting with a tartar bow
and now he hunts the most dangerous game
but he wont tell what it is
i'd say sasquatch
also he wont show em his trophy room
they chat a bit and zaroff plays piano as yeeeeees guy gets drunk
hes the chick(fay wray)'s bro
the chick tells main guy 2 other survivors disappeared and theres a mysterious iron door that's guarded
then they start going to bed
everyone but yesssss guy and zaroff g to bed and he shows yesss guy his trophy room behind da iron door
as they go in the scene fades out
did they b0ne?
it looks like it
later main guy and fay wray go in the iron door and find zaroff b0ning the yesssss guy
that didnt happen
they really find human rotted heads on the trophy wall
zaroff comes in and they hide in the dark
he brings in a body and its the yessss guy (but it don't show it)
they come out(so much for hiding) and the chick attacks zaroff
zaroff sounds like a drug
shes taken away and zaroff reveals he hunts people
he also f's the light guides on the ocean to send ships to reefs
he expects for main guy to get his view on huntoing people cuz he hunts animals
so if I eat chicken then i'm ok eating people?
main guy don't and is forced to be hunted by zaroff
fay wray tries to help
but zaroff sez its more like a game
winner gets to live
what is this? the Yugioh manga???
if he and fay wray survive until sunrise, they can go free
they go into the jungle
I wonder what zaroff does with the rest of the body's?
he only saves the head
does he eat em or does he feed his slaves with it?
by the daytime main guy and fay wray are at the island edge and find the island isn't big
he decides to set traps for the xaroph
mainly a tree that cn fall on himi
i think you better get plans b through p
btw this is a lot like that 90s film; home alone
zaroff comes out qad they hide
he uses an arrow to trip the trap
he calls out to main guy to cme out as hes not walking into an ambush
he leaves and main guy comes out
why not use ur ki to spread out and feel the area?
then you can sense where he is
he realizes xaroff is coming back with a rifle
as they flee they find a crevasse and cover it with grass
wont he remember where the crevasse is?
I mean he hunts here often
and hes lived on this island for a while
they use a vine to pull a tree right nxt to em and he comes back and shoots it
he trips the crevasse trap card but evades it
they escape into fog
and its 30 mins til sunrise
they decide to go to the swamp to avoid him
so he summons his dog team in attack mode
I should mention mai guy has a knife
he can take those dogs
btw isn't hat unfair calling reinforcements?
give main guy a emu or something
the minions chase them and one gets stuck like a pig on a spear in the uterus area
main guy and fay wray get through the swamp with gators in it
they come to the long bridge from king kong
then climb a tree as the dogs get there
they climb higher and on a ground area
btw this is pretty bright lighting for minutes before sunrise
they escape by a river and main guy puts his rag shirt on a branch and they run
a dog gets it and falls off the cliff
they hide in a waterfall and he fights dos 1 by 1
if u bite a dogs ear it'll leg go
he wastes the dogs (which would make him the bad guy nowadays)
zaroph fires and main guy/dog fall in the water
thinking he won he gets fay wray and brings her back to the castle
later main guy returns to the castle and hes not wounded
he reveals it hit the dog
zaroff pulls a gun on main guy but he grabs him and they fight 30s style
a goon interferes and xaroff gets his bow
but main guy grabs zaroph and shanks him with his own arrow in the back
a goon attacks but they get away to the boat house
as they drive away in A BOAT xaroph tries to sniper em, but cant hold out and blacks out
he falls out the window to his dogs
I think the dogs either b0ne or eat him
probably both
the end
hat was pretty good
nice pre code 30s film
and a good warning of those who put animals and humans on equal terms
it only cheapens human life
many would try to turn this into anti hunting
if hunting did make people bad or was only for bad people, why was joel mccrae such a stand up guy?
it wasn't hunting
it was viewing humans and animals as equal
for the most dangerous game 2 i'd like for zaroff to be rebuild as a cyborg with a/c current parts by nikola tesla. he decides to go after the yeti and goes to whatever country the yeti is in to hunt one as its seen as a legend and he sees it as a challenge. when he finds the yety they attack him but his a/c body is stronger than the av er age human and he can fight equal to them. also its a tournament fighter on sega genesis and supwr Nintendo with you playing as either zaroff, a variety of different yeti(each modeled after a different decade culture) and a few mystics from the country the yeti are from who have mystic kung fu powers and ki boosted skills.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Vampyr Review

note; I s-ck at typing. well not really
this is my review on vampyr(1930s ver)
its by carl Theodore dreyer and stars Julian west(a fakje name for some fruity Russian guy who wanted to make movies)
this film was made just after silent films so theres some overlap
it starts with credits and text
so allen gray is into the occult and vampire like a teen into twilight
the line of real and unreal blurs for him
like twilight fans
he goes to a village and comes to a house
the filming looks like night of the living dead with its low budget feel and kinda homey home made stuff
theres good imagery of a farmer with a scythe
he holds a candle to a picture of people and a skelton to see it
it might burn
he hears voices and goes to see
a creepy possibly eyeless guy is upstairs and he goes back to his room and lox da door
text sez he was scared but fell asleep
later dat night da door unlocks and in comes some guy
the look of this film reminds me of my Slovenian grampa (1914-2009) and his farm in soviet Canada

he guy stands there for a bit, writes something and leaves
oh and he left n item
allen senses someone is in danger and goes out according to text
after a walk he finds a building with a ww1 vet shadow walking on the wall and climbing a ladder with a fake leg
its really well done
he follows it
he find the ww1 vet but the shadow walks up to his body and assumes his position
then the guy and shadow get up
that's cool
and didn't need cg
allen sees shadows of people dancing to music
but this old hag comes in and tells em to stfu
allen goes in and sees some creepy place with skulls(I assume they are real)
he finds an Einstein looking guy and they talk
allen heard a kid but Einstein sez theres no kid
he also heard dogs but Einstein sez theres no dogs
Einstein helps this geezer up but I'm not sure if its a dude or chick
maybe a hermaphrodite
the geezer gives him poison
wtf its been 20 mins
text sez allen follows shadows to a home with the guy who left the item
da item guy has 2 daughters like eric lecarde (ricardo) from Castlevania
1 daughter is in bed and moaning about blood
item guy sez don't go 2 bed til da dr arrives
we see shadows of a guy with a rifle firing and item guy bites it
allen saw it
he comes in and the butler and allen get to item guy
allen spoons sugar in his mouth
wait its water
the other daughter comes and he gives her a heard medal thing
he bites it a min later
a chick asks allen to stay and I think butler goes to get da cops
allen reads a book on vampires saying they were bad guys in life who came back as demons and drink the young blood to prolong their existence
also they curse people and bite their necks
oh and the come out at night
we all know this now
but in the 30s it explained it as they wernt as popular
later they see something outside
the geezer is there for a bit
also they find a limp chick
they carry her back
allen reads the vampires spread their blood lust like aids and esp to family members by turning others into... one of them!!!
da limp chick sez shes cursed and seems kinda animaly
and looks at this other chick crazed
she gon b0ne her!
the other chick thinks the limp one is gonna bite it
also she hears a scream
allen and butler go out and find the carriage that left for the cops
the guy in it bit it and theres blood
guess I was wrong about it being da butler
man its 40 mins in
as allen reads about executed crooks being vampire slaves, the carriage leaves somehow
also the book sez a guy in Hungary sold his soul and became a vampire slave and did crimes
da dr comes and its Einstein
he Czechs out da limp chick and sez she needs blood
and it must be human blood
what else would you use? sasquatch?!
he drains allen using 1800s tools
btw in the bedroom of the limp chick is the skeleton picture from da hotel
da book sez after the vampire has the victim, it drives it to suicide so it cant go to heaven
y'know, cuZ its a sin
da book tells of a hag vampire who tormented a town
they found her and nailed her to the earth with an iron thing
dat iced her
also another story of another chick who was an a55 n real life and became a vampire 25 years ago
but this is da 30s
and who knows when da book was printed
or the story attained
allen has trippy dreams
a skeleton with the poison
good effects
now it would be cg
then this chick picks up a poison bottle and tries to drink it
allen fights the dr and takes da poison
then runs after da dr
theres also shadows running across the ground every few mins in this film
limp chick worries about biting it as she might not get to heaven
butler tells some lady the chick must live til sunrise\
allen sits down in the sun and his spirit astral projects outta him and continues
the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak
he sees a coffin with him in it
also the dr (Einstein) doing stuff
and the ww1 vet working with da dr on his coffin
they seal him in it and the geezer looks in for a bit
then we get his pov of them carrying his coffin(it has a face hole) as he sees the ceiling and sky and buildings
as they carry hm away they pass allens bod and he akes up as they fade out
he wakes up and sees a guy opening a grave ad going in t
he goes up and helps him
btw I think the geezer is the hag
in it is the geezer and they stick an iron rod in it and hammer it in\
she turns to a skeleton
then the limp chick is ok again and sez her soul is free and she feels strong again
the allen and other guy seal the grave and holy cr-p its got the same name as the chick from 25 years ago
da dr and da ww1 vet see flashing lights outside and the item guys face
da dr books it and da ww1 vet falls down stairs offscreen and bites it
da dr goes to the mill as allen and the other chick go in a boat
he orders a guy above him around but the guy leaves
then the mill turns on and dr is being buried alive in either flour or cocainum
allen and the chick get back to the house and the dr bites it
why not just climb the stacking flour?
or keep jumping like in sonic/Mario?
then the mill stops
the end
that was weird
it had a dream like feel
not quite real
not quite unreal
it was entertaining in a soft light way
sorta ethereal
good speed\
good pacing
not too graphic
not too freeky but still has good atmosphere
I like it
its got that german expressionism feel that made f w murnau  and fritz lang's films neat
and its only 74 mins
that's less than 4 episodes of power rangers w/o adds
but still longer than any of the video's of violence jack
or both videos of Eiken
for vampyr 2 i'd like it to be a few years later and allen is an expert in the supernatural. he goes to americato study bigfoot as they are rumored to be daemons. also he married the chick from the 1st movie and she's really really pregnant and he's gotta get back b4 she poops out his kids. but the sasquatch capture him in their extra dimensional city in the woods. so hes gotta sneak out aided by his psychic powers to sense ki and charging up ki blasts to stun enemies so he can finish em off in one precise hit. its also a platform/action game on sega genesis snes and gba and you gotta sneak around their city to get to the escape area while taking out sasquatch w/o being seen.

Monday, July 17, 2017

The Snows Of Kilimanjaro Review

note; not fully used to new keyboard but I'm getting there
the snows of Kilimanjaro
this is my review on the snows of Kilimanjaro(50s ver(was there others?))
I heard of it b4 but only after an ep of animaniacs where the warners f with Hemmingway did I know it was by him
its written by earnest evans I mean Hemmingway who I hear ate his gun after he burned out his parts from b0ning too much
ive never seen this b4 nor have I seen a parody on the simpsons or pinky and the brain so this is new to me
its got Gregory snegoff I mean peck and has ava gardner
in Japanese ki is life energy, I don't know what li is, man is 10 000 and jaro (j makes a y sound) means bast-rd or punk or a55hole(well, just an impolite way of saying "you" actually) but its usually translated as the above
ooh its fullscreen
after the credits show who's in it with some silent film title card looking stills a narrator sez Kilimanjaro is the highest mountain in Africa
greg peck watches a bird flying
he chats with a chick about his leg wound not hurting anymore and help is coming
peck thinks hes gonna bite it
he then tells how he scratched his leg on a branch while photographing beasts
the chick sez it happened when they were photographing hippos in a canoe and got too close
the hippo got a boatman and peck jumped in to save him
besides ebola and aids, hippoes are the deadliest thing in africa!
somehow he saved him but the blood and dirt infected his leg wound
we never see the rotting leg
just pants and stains
how da f did he fight off a hippo?!
is he batman?!
the chick sez the African worker there shouldn't hear em fighting so peck sez in English to go away so he wont hear civilized people fighting
but he don't understand so peck sez it in African
nowadays some malcontent would get triggered by that
also nowadays they'd change it so the African guy is the winner of the thing and peck loses
so peck tells his life story
the end
i'll say what happens
years ago this gf broke up with him for some reason
pecks mentor sez writing is a fight or hunt against ignorance and evil
except the man stream news. they promote that lol
he gives peck a rifle
back in da present peck whines about having her as a wife and winding up in Africa with a wound
shes gonna hunt but he sez he loves her
then they kiss
but he does something I didn't see and she gets p-ssed
did he try to b0ne her?
they argue and she books it
man its been nearly 20 mins
that felt like nothing
then theres a flashback of eastern Europe I mean france
peck chats with a homie of his dancing with a chik in a red dress
shes not wearing sleeves
I hear in france women don't shave their pits
he meets a chick named Cynthia green who knows he worked for a paper
he quit and he calls her cyn(sin?! 7 deadly sins!? dante's inferno?! Yugioh cards!?)
they flirt with smooth sax in the background
sax a ma phone!
sax a ma phone!!
they leave and go for a walk
she reveals her dad was in the war and stayed in france after\
they wannas go home to rest but lightly imply they gonna b0ne
so they smoke together and light up with the same match then kiss
I assume in the real version they b0ned and this is just 50s film showing what they can
Grigori Rasputin I mean peck narrates some random cr-p he saw in france
his gf looks through his writing on a typewriter
they live in a poor hood (a ghetto??)and he writes 1 book
he gets paid for it and wants to go to soviet Africa
they go there the 1st time and watch rhinos
I think they are hunters
nowadays they'd censor that
hunters are worse than child mo lesters to the left
the gf is gonna cap the rhino but don't wanna
she takes too long and greg peck urges her on but she shoots and misses
the prey gets away
they are going after em but the gf don't wanna go
the rhino goes after him and thre gf just yells his name w/o telling him what or where or why its bad
he empties his gun into the charging behemoth and it eventually goes down I front of him
nowadays they's try to color this to look sad cuz a beast bit it
I iced over 100 fruit flies in an hour once
am I this centuries dhamer?\?
maybe gacy cuz I'm polish lol
at night they're at a village and greg peck talks about how it felt to ice that monster
the gf is kinda disgruntled over it
she chats with some guy about it and shes afraid of it
he tells her not everyone is required to like Africa
that would trigger some malcontents
also he sez its for men
that would also trigger some malcontents
heres some advice
evolve some chutzpa!
so the gf is preggers\
she isnt much of a traveler and likes calm
but doesn't wanna anchor him with a kid so he can still travel
da guy sez; its when you run away ur most likely to stumble
peck returns saying "33 inches is nothing to be ashamed of"
hes talking about the rhino horn
I hope
at night the animals go wild in da wilderness and make awful sounds
later she sees a dr who sez to take it easy
no exercise means shes gonna tub up
but he wants to go to spain
after some talk they choose to go somewhere
he goes out and shhe runs after him
later we see she fell and the baby bit it
and he never knew she was pregnant
he accuses her of falling on purpose and it was his child too
but she denies it
that's sad
the kid did nothing wrong
he was innocent
they reconcile and go to spain to see bullfights
this is pretty cool
later they are in a restaurant and she suspects he is gonna ditch her
he explains theres a war where hes going but she gets drunk
she talks about flirting with the waiter
they bicker a bit
he goes to do something and she ditches him and goes off to b0ne men
back in the present hes talking to the African guy from b4 who don't speak English
I know what thats like
I used to talk to my cat
it didn't know English either
listened good though
then he talks about writing another book and getting another woman
we see her swimming nude and can see her a55
hes on a boat and chats playfully with her
wait, I think shes in a light swimsuit
and she don't want him to go
also shes got a European accent a bit like tommy wiseau sorta
later the wiseau chick is sculpting a thing of another chick in a dress and chats with her uncle
it might not be her blood uncle
later greg peck gets an offer for his book to be made into a greta garbo movie
but hes disgruntled over it
greg talks with a guy and thinks the guy hates his work
the guy denies it and sez greg otta bone up on his hunting
so hes become famous but he misses Cynthia
he gets her us address and mails her a letter
everyone ive been with made me miss u more
hes been b0ning a lot
outside a hotel he seez a chick he thinks is her
but its not\
later he chats with some rich people about a letter
he sez its not important she this girl tears it up
so he books it
oh I think its the wiseau chick
greg peck is gonna leave her and she gets all clingy and whiny
he ditches her and fights in the spanish war
he chats with a soldier about the soldier wanting to be back in Detroit
spoiler; in a few years, Detroit is gonna be freekin mad max bad
gerg goes with his men but a chick is in a sideways truck
I don't recognize her but she prays for gerd geck to find her
I think its his baby momma
yes it is
he finds her and they kiss
they hug and she sez; not like da horses
was she b0ned by horses?
she asks if he believed her about the letters and her kid
he sez yes
she fears God would punish her for it
I think if u repent and stop sinning it gets forgiven
he tries to get her out on a streatcher but the battle advances and he gets his leg blown
shes taken away on a stretcher
later he sees the alleged uncle and hes in bed
greg sez he saw the 7 wonders but they wernt so good
spoiler; most are gone
he whines a bit about his mistakes
da uncle gives him a lot of cash in his will
he gives him a riddle but greg gets it after uncle bites it
so he cant ask him it
and if he can find it, it can save him
if it can save him then just freekin tell him!
don't let his rot!
later peck goes to a French bar
do they have bars in france?
I think hes drunk
he imagines the ghost of the red dress chick dancing
also hes with 2 French bimbos
the riddle sez the intro text from the start of the movie about the mountain and a dried cat
the cat was dried out on the mountain and no one knows what it was doing there or lookin for
the barkeep sez the cat got lost
later hes at a bridge and watching fish
but a chick comes to see him
its the look alike
hes drunk and comes on to her
then its back in Africa and the chick asks if he was thinking of synthia or her
she thinks hes still into her
but he don't confirm nor deny it\
she asks why he came
he sez he was like the cat that followed the wrong scent and went back to Africa b4 it was too late
he thinks hes biting it
she asks if he only did this cuz of synthia
she went along with it so he could be happy
she sez hes not a failure cuz he f'd up a few times
and he sez he finally sees her as her(not synthia)
later the uncle of the boy he saved from the hippo comes by as a witch doctor
remember those snes dr Mario adds with a witch dr?
from da 90s?
the chick don't like it
the witch dr eats a magic item and shakes a bone bag to diagnose peck
he rolls the bones like dice and peck starts biting it
its the magic!
hes taken in and is rambling
he sez he can get it all into 1 paragraph but she cant take dictation\
she cant write?!
she sez if they use hot compresses they can get his circulation going again from his dead leg
she reads a manual to sterilize a knife and pop the leg like a zit
if this was made today it would show the pus and sh-t gushing out his leg
she gets and cooks the blade and tells his shes gonna open the swelling
once I had a zit in high school on my upper mouth between my lip and nose
I squeezed it but blood
so I went to thre bathroom and squeezed and
squirted pus on the mirror like a super soaker
it just blasted out like a high pressure hose
I left it there and returned to class\
like a fat chick going to the bathroom to give birth during class
she pops is infection leg zit offscreen and a hyena comes by later
to quote Jurassic park
shoooooooo taaaa!
shooooooooooo taaaaaaaa!
shoot her
man its been almost 3 hours with commercials
didn't feel like it
so the hyenama comes into the tent but she screams and it books it
da next day a plane comes
and the birds from b4 are gone
they kiss
the end
that was pretty good
not much to say
I just liked it
good pacing
good feel
good color
peck is always good
nowadays they'd f it up
good to see things when people were more sane
for the snows of Kilimanjaro 2 i'd like for him to be ready to leave but hes under the control of the witch dr who has enslaved him with black magic. the guy falling in the hippo water and thorn stab were planned as he wanted to use greg peck as a Trojan horse to get to America and take it down from within by making him write commie propaganda to make people hate it. his wife goes on a quest in Africa to go up the mountain to get a magic jewel to free peck from the spell b4 he has to go home. also its a 16 bit platform/action game with you as the wife going up the Kilimanjaro and getting through ancient temples made b4 noah's flood and sealed away by angels as the jewel also can be used for evil as she gets ultra items from the temples with sci fi hings to get the jewel. the game boss is the witch dr

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Five Million Years To Earth Review

note; so my keyboard cr-pped put and I'm on a plug in vut I'm nor used to it. so my spelling is cr-ppyer
five million years to earth
this is my review on fine million years to earth
its from hammer films, the brit horror droogs
its also called quatermass and the pit
I never saw any of the quatermass films
it starts with a skull slowly being revealed for opeming credits
its set in England
its widescreen
the britz ARE DIgging a train path through the underground
they find a skull
they say its a fossil and worth something
then they find another skeleton
the papers say underground ape men
they turn it to a fossil dig
1 dr sez its 5 million years old and the ape men were unevolved subhumans
1 reporter sez that's further back than the alleged science sez
spoiler; creation science disproves this lol
they make a fame apeman to show how they think it looked
then they find a metal thing and seal off the area thinking its from ww2 and might blow em apart
but its not like any other they saw
its not steel and has no sound
da dr wants the army guy to speed up
they get a higher rank guy to get professer quatermass to help em
they also say in 10 years we can have military bases on the moon and mars
even in Robotech it took til 2005 to get moon and mars bases\
he checks it out and they've dub more out
they find another skull
the dr takes it and the fossil is in clay
they wonder how it could've got under the rocket in clay and unbroken
they realize it was in the thing
the people clear out as the dr does stuff to the skull
a cop tells quatermass that as a kid a fam left the area they are in now cuz of ghosts
also they see claw marks on the walls
they were in another house
an army guy has a squad work through the night to get the thing out
also the place they are at is called hobs lane
as hob can mean devil
later the dr does a brain scan thing that reads his brain activity on a guy with a head similar to the skull
or maybe another skull
dr sez the fossils are much like humans
dr reveals he don't like the army guy
oh and a chick gets quatermass a newspaper thing from da 20s about ghost midgets going through walls
and around then they were working on an underground railway station
later they took out the thing and its a spaceship
and blowtorches donaffect it
on 1 part is a sign used in ancient magic
also its harder than diamond
1 guy freaks out after seeing something go though the wall
it was a gross midget!!
they search records and find records of daemons in the 1760s
they try a drill on it but it does nothing
also the area shook when they tried
eventually the wall of the thing breaks and it shows green bug things which are dead and stink
they were sealed in there for years and only now are exposed to our air
they take out the big green bugs and try to save em for analysis
quatermass thinks the spaceship thing is alive
they save parts of em in jars of preservative
its sorta like star ship troopers but less gross
they call em arthropods but with no known things like it today
looking through books, quatermass sez ancient man had cave painting of em
and a different atmosphere allowed different life
they wondered if our ecosystem was doomed would we try anything
the papers report its space people
a high rank brit busts quatermasses a55 over telling the truth about the bugs
typical England, censoring things they fear
how un-American
quatermass sez they were from mars as years ago mars was fertile
and it went f';d so the survivors went to earth
but they cant stand the air so they experimented on apes
and that made modern man
sounds like grasping at straws that evolutionists use to try to deny God
btw, if true that means England is the birthplace of modern civilization
typical britz, thinking they are some kind of ubermench who all modern civilized people came from
the army guy sez its all planted by the germans in the war to spread lies to disturb the brirts into thinking what quatermass said
sounds convoluted
wasn't this plot used in TROG??
so army guy has the site closed and sez to da public its all the germans fault
typical brit, blaming the germans for everything
later the site has crazy ghost cr-p with flying cr-p and people blown around
the guy mo lested by the ghosts is traumatized and a priest sez hes been in contact with an evil
he rambles on about seeing the space bugs alive
then wind blows and the priest sez hes not free of the evil
quater mass agrees
he sez the guy saw mars life years ago as a vision
and they have powers that can move cr-p
quatermass sez all supernatural attacks might be cuz of the space bugs
he gets the brain reader and wears it as he drills in the area
weird cr-p happens and hes gonna book it
but the chick sees and he makes her wear the head thing
btw I like how the movie don't make the chick a love subplot in a freekin horror movie
then the tiles bust off da walls and green cr-p oozes out da walls
shes being pulled up
but it stops
the dr(I think. hes in Austin powers glasses if he is da same guy) sez he saw them on the monitor
so they show the cr-ppy footage to the army guys
its bug puppets moving
after it quatermass sez its a ritual slaughter and they might want humans to do it
also they can redirect energy
they got a lotta powers
wanna give em heat rays?
but the high rank guy don't believe em so hes gonna have a media thing in the site to calm the public
its like liberals; tell a lie often enough and even the liar believes it
man in every one of these movies the big wigs deny it, have a conference and sh-t hits the fan
at da site the army guy sez they are bugging the west german gov to search records of it
quatermass tells him off and a guy gets iced in an electrical thing
the chick senses something like with megumi in Urotsukidoji(which was censored in gaye olde englande)
quatermass tries to get people back but 1 guy f's with the thing and gets fried
then all this wind and cr-p happens and people book it
quatermass AND THE chick leave and the ship starts phasing
they run and knock over a guy with a coal bbq and ity sets the place on fire
the army guy goes to the ship
the dr finds quatermass and he don't recognize him at 1st
hes affected by the bugs
he thinks some people are immune
also the ship hot a lotta energy and activated
the army guy is cooked and bites it with good effects
quatermass and others are affected by it and are drawn to it
but the dr talks him into remembering who he is
also its trying to make him ice da dr cuz the dr is different\
then they hear people wacking people and animals
1 guy surrounded by possessed people ice a guy by psy throwing rocks at him
they go to the site but they see the silhouette of the devil for a bit
also the city is going f'd apart
dr sez use iron to connect the ship to the ground to discharge the energy to da urth
quatermass goes around where the psy power is and tries to save the chickso they fight really cr-pppy\
just slug her out candy a55!
he knocks her out somehow and carries her off
da dr goes on a crane and touches the devil and it goes up in a burst of electric fire
he aint gonna be in 5 million years to earth gx
wtf it just ends there with quatermass and the chick standing there and credits roll
lol in the credits hugh futcher
sounds like a p0rno0 name
the end
that was good supernatural horror
no romance
to tacked on sad moment near the end of the film
no cr-ppy life lesson shoehorned in\
the story was good
the effects were good
I liked it
oh and it actually had good color
better than that murky cr-p we get now
oh and it had good speed
it didn't feel long
for five million years to earth 2 I want it to be in the 80s and the area is sealed off by gov order to keep people from activating the space thing. but some drunk teens sneak in and start b0ning and it triggers the ship and turns em into half bug people. also there are more bug people turned by the space bugs and they reveal the space ship is really a demon trick to get people into evolution and p0rn0 and turn em into demons and its not really been 5 million years. also quatermass jr and the cyborg of the guy who got blown up at the end of the 1st movie are send in to fight the bugs in a cyber suit and his cyboeg body and they have the ability to link up asnd combine to a super warrior and face big demon bugs. oh and as usual its a 16 bit beat em up on snes and sega genesis with 1 player a quatermass jr and one as the dr and they fight to get to the heart of the area to bust the ship. oh and the bugs only attack now as after the drunk teens got turned they have just enough to attack