Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Boy Slaves Review

Note; Why should I spell right? The title sounds like a gay p0rn0
Boy Slaves
This is my review on Boy Slaves (1939)
it stars Anne Shirley/Roger Daniel/James McCallion/alan baxter
Anne Shirley got her film actors guild name from her 1st movie, anne of green gables
ooh, its by RKO
it stars with scrolling text saying people have loved their kids but in some places people aint as good
Sounds like a Pro Life message
Then in a slum or factory area like in a beat em up, this factory horn goes and wakes up a baby
the boy gives it a bottle and gets dressed
also is a blonde boy who was fired for a fight over a guy twisting someones ear over not accepting aN INVITE
I don't know what that means
the mom slaps him and cries
1 guy writes a note saying hes going out for something and leaves
its the main boy
also f handwriting
its like the metric system of spelling
the boy gets attacked by a gang of malcontents on the road and mugged
he sez hes gonna tell da cops and they think hes a spy
they're gonna b0ne him dead
they hold hm hostage and he tells em off over not fighting fair
if he had a firearm he could shred em in one sweep
they give him back a dime out of the 15 cents they took
they give him a can of food for a dime
hes told everyone has to earn their keep
he starts trusting these thugs
then the cops come and they book it and catch a train
they remind m of section B from Violence Jack Evil Town
the cops are warned of those malcontents panhandling a mean
they hassle a successful guy wo don't wanna talk to those thugs
they get him to give em a ride on his horse thing
but they don't get off when he tells em to
he didn't consent
they push him off a moving cart and into the dirt
those animals
the main boy tries to help the wounded guy but the leader tells him to get back to the base
the victim is kicked by the boss
the cops get em
main boy sez he left to help his mom but boss is a wisea55 and gets dragged out
the cops try to gt info from him but hes loyal to those thugs
they let him go
he sez where hes going and they rearrest him
that's what happens when you hang out with thugs
the cops go to their base but the kids F--KIN THROW BRICKS AT EM
holy cr-p that's deadly
they otta open fire on em
1 cop uses tear gas but the main cop tells him off for it
you'd rather have brain damage??
the ops get the thugs and on trial the thugs bash the main boy for "being a rat"
the thugs just wanna stay hobos and leaching off real people
but 1 guy suggests giving em jobs at his business
the thugs consent to working for him
but the boss don't
he gets fined $100 in 30s cash foe vagrancy
the main boy offers to work 2x for the fine but boss hates him
1st boss mugs him. then drafts him into his gang, then acts like the victim owes him?!
thats some seral killer logic
I was making them more beautiful... by turning em inside out!!
they are sent to a work camp with barbed wire and guards
its said its for their protection
but society needs protecton against these animals!!
they get credit for the store and at it they splurge on junk food
they bash the main boy which makes him splurge on the premium cr-p
a girl tries to get him to not blow dough but the shopkeeper kicks her out
main boy buys reasonable wok stuff
later they are doing honest work
but its made to look unfair
less fair than mugging a guy and swindling people out of their cash
when my dad was a boy on the farm he worked hard and didn't b--ch about it
he was a good boy
they get a lunch break and they b--ch about the food not being awesome
also it costs 12 cents
they decide to quit but hey owe cash for buying all dat cr-p at da store
also the stuff was overpriced
they said; u could've bought it elsewhere
its a free country
don't blame others for ur cr-p
btw, why are we feeling sorry for these daemon kids?!
what next? gacy! the american hero?!
well we got all those dinks saying OJ was innocent
1 guy freaks out in a tree, falls and busts off his arm
then they say at the kitchen is better food
hope its not made of his arm
we get a sappy scene of his little p o s regretting his bad moves
is he gonna bite it?
the main boy cries and the disarmed guy sez; I got a racket for life, or some cr-p
the business owner has a big meal with a guy and the girl
this is like with camp krusty
thr main boy comes to chat with em about paying off a fine
the owner sez hes just gonna charge it to main boys account
then the boss winds up AT THE CAMP
they decide to break out of the place they consented to going to
btw, they still owe them cash
boss is gonna bust the main boy bu he sez he payed bosses fine
they then start b0ning him
well, more like beating
they wanna misuse the main boy's privileges
at lunch the boss f's with the coo about the food and is a d-ck
the boys sing workin on da railroad in the trees instead of working
main boy comes outta da tree and stands up for the boss
the guards negotiate with the boss but he wants em to put the deal in writing
they bust his head with a wrench
later the boys b--ch about "being prisoners"
but them drafting the main boy into their gag is ok
main boy volunteers to get something for mailing a letter out
boss has a hot fire poker on wood to remind him that traitors get branded
that's f'd up
he gets it with help of the girl
they have paper now and wanna write letters
they whine about working in the letter and I think its to the p resident
buyt f d r isn't into helping real people
hes a commie
the boys cause a racket and main boy climbs a barb wire fence to escape
he gets lost in da woods and its pretty bada55 and creepy
he winds up back at the camp and the guard gets him and reads his letter
hes sent back to the boys and they're p-ssed
they think he sold em out
they're gonna b0ne him dead
boss gets da fire poker as the boy begs
hes gonna burn him but sees the barb wire marks on his hands
then the chick comes I anting to stay with a buncha young males
this head guy wants her to come back but he slugs out boss when he tries to stop him
he needs a full on beat down!
the boys all rush the head guy and in the chaos a fire starts and 1 kid is shot
the boys break out and escape as fugitives
but the main boy bites it from a gunshot
he takes a while to bite it and they milk it
he tells em to go on w/o him
they're all winding up in h-ll together anyway
the chick looks like novak from law and order svu
they berry him in the woods and boss asks God not to be rough on him
then the cops are hounding em and they hide in a farmhouse
the get guns are have a stand off
this is like birth of a nation with the cabin
they say they're coming out but the cop open fire on em
send em to h-ll
maybe if they opened fire on em at the brick base they'd have spared the main boy
the cops try to burn em out
but then the actual cops show up and its reveals its the guards who were shooting em em
also the guy who slugged the boss bit it in the fire I think
the cop tries to help those little c-ck suckers but boss wants to cap him
malcontent loves matter?
the chick tells boss off and sez why its bad
da cop comes in and gets the kids out
nowadays they'd make the cop the bad guy
btw there was a geezer lady in the cabin they were gonna torch
at trial they are called enemies of society
the judge tells his family history and sez hes ashamed over how some people acted and sez sorry
yeah cuz those kids were totally good guys b4 going to jail
they get off easy and their debts are made void
he does somethin to the business owner
the end
that was pretty good
too bad they made these delinquents the heroes
i'd've made em the villains with the real people as the good guys trying to stop em
for boy slaves 2 i'd like it to be the 60s and j fk has gotten in and America has gone cr-ppier. the boys from boy slaves 1 are now a biker gang who go around b0ning people dead and eating em. they want revenge on society for not bowing to their whims and j fk sides with em despite them hating him and all normal people. they kidnap people and b0ne em into submission to make em join their gang. In the end, the cops have enough of their cr-p and declare war on em at one of their rallies to bring down society and its a all out war with blades and hammers as guns were banned by j fk and it drove America to hammer crime. oh and the blonde brother from he 1st scene in the st film is the head cop who wants these animals wiped out after they turned his bro and got him iced

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Othello Review

note; I did this in high school.
this is my review on Othello (the 1952 version with orson welles)
its by William shakespear who's plays usually s-cked
it starts with Othello (orson welles) dead and being caRRIED away in a service
oh amd a chick is too
its mostly done in silhouette
1 guy is in a cage being lifted up on a rope
they all have castlevana hair
its widescreen
then we ge a title card with 20s music
it sez in venis was a moor (black guy) Othello who loved Desdemona but her dad didn't like it
but they married anyway
and iago(not da Aladdin bird) was nice outside but sour inside
iago chats with a bummed guy
I think he is gay for Desdemona
iago sez to get rich to win her
then some guys tell desdemonas dad his daughters b0ning a black guy
this is like springer
he gets p-ssed and starts a lynch mob
at the same time the turks are attacking venice
the dad accused Othello of using black magic (lol) to win her over
he sez he won her fair and square (in a long wordy monologue that would make tommy wiseau blush)
good f man he just keeps going on and on
the dad still hates him
just like in cool as ice with vanilla ice
iago wants to use cassio or w/e for a scheme
iago talks to Roderigo (rod) about... h-ll if I know. its that queer Castlevania talk
Othello makes out with his woman and they b0ne offscreen
then we cut to the battle with da turks
the turks bit it in a storm or something
Othello reunites with desemona and hes wearing cool armor
oh they saved Cyprus
iago starts telling a guy that Desdemona is gay for cassio
iago's armor looks sorta like t has the barian symbol on it from Yugioh zexal
then iago talks to cassio (I think) about something
oh and hes drinking
Othello has a romance chat with Desdemona
at a party some guys get in a fight
cassio (I think) is drunk and causing cr-p and attacking people
1 guy calls mutany and the cops come in and bust a55
Othello deals with cassio(it is him) but iago defends him
casio looks kinda like shin in Hokuto no ken
later iago tries to twist cassio
he also tells this guy that cassio beat the guy
later iago chats with Othello about cassio and implies he may be into Desdemona
Othello doubts it but gradually thinks it
he sees Desdemona but recoils and goes off to stew in his thoughts
later he confronts iago and nearly kills him
iago ez he heard her talking about b0ning cassio and sez something about her handkerchiefs
Othello wants to ice her
he asks Desdemona for her handkerchief but she don't have it
he goes mental and sends her away
Othello hears cassio talking with his babe about a handkerchief and thinks its about Desdemona
Othello chats with iago about the handkerchief and goes mental
after talking to himself for a while Othello goes to a place full of people and yells at Desdemona
people suspect hes not quite right
later he confronts Desdemona and goes mental
later Desdemona talks with a chick and iago in near
but Othello comes in and sends her to bed
later In the public bath someone talks with someone
I think Roderigo
iago sez theres a special commission going to do something with Othello and cassio
but he wants to take oiut cassio
some armed soldiers come in the public bath and a guy hides
iago stabs him up under the floor
Othello decides to ice her
he goes to her bedroom and talks with her for a while
she denies giving the handkerchief to cassio but he don't buy it
eventually he covers her face with a cloth and she bites it
he probably b0ned her dead in the real version
he leaves but a maid comes in and Desdemona isn't 100% dead
then she really bites it
Othello sez she was a wh=re and burns in h-ll
she calls the cops on him and iago/cassio are there
the maid sez she was innocent and orhello sez iago told him it
maid explains the handkerchief thing and iago shanks her and runs
her last words; she loved thee
then a guy sez cassio gets othelloes job
Othello goes nuts and b0nes desdemonas corpse
he tells the people to tell the truth about him
then he bites it
then we're back to the start of the film
the credits roll over cool scenery and water an it seems kinda like an early 30s film
oh and theres harpsichord music that's pretty grand
the end
that was pretty good
cant go wrong with orson welles
normally shakespere is kina prissy
but this was well done
for Othello 2 i'd like for iago to be on trial for his scheme but one by one the witnesses bite it. its a slasher film where they get chopped up and turned inside out in worse and worse ways. eventually its revealed that theres another iago who was made out of black magic and as they don't have enough evidence, iago goes free and becomes a high rank commander.

Monday, May 22, 2017

Strait Jacket Review

Note; I'm also editing my Go Nagai Wiki While writing this. Theres typoes
Strait Jacket
This is my review on Dtrait Jacket
Its got Joan, "Crawl up my a55" Crawford
it was made after whatever happened to baby jane to cash in on its popularity
like street sharks did for tmnt
it starts qith trippy effects and joan Crawford being declared insane
irl she was mental
watch mommie dearest for more
we get a thing where it sez joans husband was b0ning some younger babe at their home
he thought his wife was out
but there was little carol there
a little girl they thought was sleeping
but she saw em b0ning
]oh and joan Crawford came home early and sees em in bed(but dressed)
f caps lock
so she gets an axe ad chops em up
its widescreen
then shes in a straight jacket and screaming shes not guilty
oh and her daughter carol saw it
years later the carol is living with her aunt and uncle (like wizard of oz(is that wat happened to Dorothy's rents??))
and joan is coming out of the nut house
we see joan ad it turns to a painting of her dat looks like Michael myers from Halloween
we get weird white on black paper paintings
man this is f'd up
its like something go nagai would do
holy cr-p its directed by William castle!!
I love his cr-p!!
joan reunites with carol and they are on a farm(again like oz)
joan hates seeing chickens caged
but if they aint the predators get em!
the carol keeps talking about butchering and slaughtering farm animals
but keeps catching herself
its like Seinfeld
also the carol makes sculptures of animals and has a boyfriend
she made a sculpture of her moms head
she also saved her moms jangly jewelry and photo album
but joan don't wanna see it yet
joan is gonna try sculpting but carol goes nuts when joan picks up a knife to sculpt
at dinner joan looks at a meat being cut up
if this were Austin powers it would have her going through a montage of cutting
like an emo guy or a baby getting circimsized
joan almost meets the bf but leaves
in the sculpting place is the album wit the husbands face cut out and a knife in it
later joan and carol go shopping and gets a wig
she looks like the Malcom mom again
the way she did 20 years ago
joan hears a song about her chopping up her husband and his gf but its really London bridges
she still freaks out
at night in bed she keeps remembering the rhyme and sees heads in bed and an axe
but when her bro gets there its gone
she assumes its a dream
later joan sees a guy chop off a chicken head and freaks out
when I was 4 my grampa chopped off a chickens head with an axe
it ran around spraying blood and died
later I saw it in the sink, plucked and giblets out
later we had lunch
12 years later I realised it
uwaaaaa! I ate dat bird!!
lter joan meets the bf and almost hits on him
shes drunk btw
they gt a phone call but its for the mom
its her dr and he wants to see her
joan freaks out
later the dr comes by and checks on joan
the uncle and aunt go off to a dinner party or something
he tas to joan and she gets nervous
he asks if she had any dreams and she goes mental and runs of
dr talks to carol and sez her acting like her past self is a sign shes mental
carol sez its her fault and dr sez he came here to test her reactions to stress
also if she gets triggered she might kill people
back then warning something might "trigger her" is normal
but after tumblr...
later someone (I think da dr) goes in the barn and gets chopped up with an axe
later the joan talks to the carol about how when she dresses like its 20 years ago, she goes nuts
also she don't know where the dr is
but his car is still there
later the carol locks up the barn or something
but a guy goes after it after shes left
later the carol gets a phoe call saying the dr is missing
joan gets nervous ad she calms joan and sez she wont et them take her back
later the carol confronts a scuzzy guy painting the drs car
he sez its his car and implies he knows things
she fires him
but he sez hes gonna stay
oh and the bf stops by to pick up the carol
carol talks about problems with her mom
the scy guy goes by laundry and goes in a building
the door closes and he sees chopped up pigs behind glass
he finds a body in the freezer and someone (who we only see the shadow of) wacks his head off
its sorta german expressionist
later they are going to a party but joan don't wanna go
but shes turned to going in her 20 years ago look
later they are getting changed (joan crawford in her undies!!!!) after spilling coffee on herself and freaks out in a Beetlejuice triped room
but the carol helps her
at the party joan admits she was in the nut house bit this b--ch rides her a55 until she snaps and yells a lot
joan grabs the b--ch but (oh its her bf's rents) and the bf's mom (the b--ch) pushes her off and calls her insane
Crawford goes mental and runs out
they look for her but the bfs rents are worried about da bf
da bfs dad goes upstairs and closes the door to get undressed
but theres no one else in the house!!
just go around in yo undies!
he sees a door close and follows it for a few secs b4 going back to his room
just waste him already!
he goes In the closest and a chick offs his head
but he wasn't even a bad guy
well, neither was the dr
this is a good slasher film
the bfs mom goes upstairs and sees a head
but its just a bust of a guy
she looks around wih several false scares b4 finding the husbands bod
then joan comes out with an axe
then another joan comes out and they fight
1 joan was carol in a mask
da bf comes in and joan leaves
carol sez she planned it and blamed it on her as joans nuts
that makes 2 of em
she did it as the bfs rents would object to the marriage
also the heads on the pillow in the dream thing and hid em when he left
also the rhyme joan heard was a tape recording in her purse
she wasted the dr and scuzzy guy for getting in her way
joan never knew and only went back to say sorry for p-ssing off the rents
now joan is gonna spend time with the carol in the nut house to help her
as joan was out for 20 years and the carol hates her for chopping up her dad in front of her
the end
that was pretty good
when watching this on tcm they mentioned after it that joan Crawford often had mother/daughter issues in her films
kinda makes sense after Christina (who shares my birthday and name) Crawford got fd by joan with her mentalness
I wanna see mommie dearest
for strait jacket 2 i'd like it to be a nut house movie (prison movie) with a dreamlike atmosphere and carol going nuts and having random phantasies of various adventures against various joan Crawford monsters who try to b0ne her dead. also its a 16 bit platformer on sega genesis and super Nintendo where you go through various areas and joan crawform monsters are the bosses in each level in a weird cabinet of dr caligari nightmare neon world

Friday, May 19, 2017

The Phantom From 10 000 Leagues Review

note; spelling right isn't in the budget
The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues
this is my review on The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues
I'm mainly reviewing this cuz I hear its bad
it starts with a guy in a boat
THIS WEIRD A55 sea thing gets him
it looks kinda cool but kinda cr-ppy
then we get credits with music that sounds like a silent film
the boat guy winds up on the beach and a guy in a suit sees a possibly naked man escaping the body area
sounds like he was b0ning him
the suit guy was an investigator and saw the body had burns
wait its the other guy whos the investigator
I think
I'm already lost
they exchange info even though they are strangers
hope one of em don't track down and b0ne dead the other
they find a guy with a speargun who sez hes an oceanographer
the pi sez the speargun guy shouldn't dive and forget he was here
later a moustache guy comes home to his wife and is soaked from looking at ocean cr-p
hes worried about being spied on and hides when someone knocks on the door
its the suit guy
the woman sez her husband went to sleep but the suit guy don't buy it
turns out the moustache guy went out the window
later the moustache guy is looking at the beach and finds a turtle
the suit guy is found to have really been a scientist into deth rays and marine biology
later this janitor talks to a cougar (the female, not the cat) about how since the professor came by theres been weird cr-p happening
the suit guy in the office drops a paper piece and goes in a room saying he don't wanna be disturbed
another sciecne guy comes in. shows hes smart and wants to know ehat the suit guy is up to
the suit guy is the professor
later someone goes diving
in this lab some guy puts on a radio active suit and tests on the turtle
hes gonna turn it into gamera!
s he works on it, the sea monster nearly gets the diver
the suit guy was the 1 diving and he flirts with the girl who is actually the daughter of the moustache guy
he tells her to stay outta the water
the mostuoche guy was the one working on the turtle and the suit guy talks with him
moustache guy sez the ocean rules man
suit guy talks about the body having radiation burns
also the moustche guy knows the cougar was spying on him
he invites the suit guy to meet him later at his place
later suit guy stops by the place and the girl comes out of the shower
shes fully in towels yet acts like shes nude
we see her put on a strapless bra and dress
he zips her up
why is the zipper always on the back?
why not the front or side?
or just have the stuff stretch?
moustache guy returns and they talk about the area where the attacks were
moustache guy hasn't mapped the area and theres uranium underwater
and theres a sea serpent guarding it

they talk about activating hydrogen isotopes in heavy water
and the sea monster is man made
also its a mutant and suit guy sez he made a creature like it but iced it
they chat about science advancing since splitting da atom lie in most 50s things
also the monster was said to be sold to the highest bidder or something
suit guy tells him a guy is gonna go diving
despite being skeptical of suit guys words hes afraid for the safety for the guy going in
later moustache guy chats with the cougar about if execution is a fair punishment for treachery
well what about starscream??
later the other science guy chats with a blonde about selling something
he has 2 days b4 she goes to Europe
is she a soviet?
also he may be b0ning her
at night someone does something to scuba equipment
in a diner the cougar chats with the moustache guy
wait, its not the moustache guy
they plan to do something with a wax impression
but the blonde hears
the girl and someone(I cant tell who) go diving and split up
the sea thing sees em and they book it
wait, I think its a different couple
it gets em
 suit guy and girl find the new bodies
but the speargun guy fires and misses
so suit guy goes after him
yeah, that's smart
but spear gun drives away
he talks to who I think is the pi and sez the new bodies were worse burned
oh and he gives him the spear
they plan to have the suit guy draw the sea thing away from the radioactive light and pi investigates
th get ready to suba but theres a small white pill in his breathing thing and I think hes drugged
is that extasy?!
they go in anyway and find the sea thing
the swim away an return to da boat
une other guys, they get away
they plan to do something about the guy who f'd their scuba stuff
he confronts the moustache guy who claims the phantom (sea thing) is a myth
other scientist chats with the blonde and she sez he might not be useful to em
and he heard the cougar talking about him
I wasn't paying attention for a bit but later the cops come in saying the cougar bit it
and they blame the moustache guy
later they prove it was the other scence guy who iced her
man this cr-p goes on forever
the moustache guy sez the uranium thing is real and he don't wanna destroy it
so he asks for a 1 hour to think about it
hes probably gonna sacrifice himself or something gay to stop it
the cop goes up to the soviet and they fade out
I think they b0ned
later the girl asks where her moustache dad is
then a big ship goes over the uranium light hole
and asplodes
I don't think that's how it works
unless its full of gunpowder like in Halifax
the mostage guy goes tommy wiseau and trashes his lab
the janitor come in and see the rotted turtle
the pi and cop catch the other science guy
science guy sez da moustache guy planted something on da ocean
mouschae guy goies in the ocean and scubas
he blows up the ocean hole
see you in h-ll moustache guy
suit guy sez natrure has many secrets man mustn't disturb
and he took the secret with him
they walk off slowly as music plays
the end
man this movie is cr-p
it goes on forever
it drags
its only like 80 minutes but feels 3x that
1915 birth of a nation was engrossing and driven
that was made 50 years earlier and was 3 hours
the monster doesnt even really do anything!
it kills like 3 people and gets nuked
its only on screen for like 6 minutes
most of he film is bad melodrama and too many subplots
at least in the room tommy wiseau dropped most of em
and he had charisma
weird soviet Christopher walken charisma
btw I dont think the thing was from 10 000 leagues
its like 30 feet under water
they didn't even decompress to avoid the bends!!
for the phantom from 10 000 leagues 2 i'd like or the kamikaze the moustache guy did on the light thing actually opened it wider and allowed a gateway to h-ll to open and allow daemons to come out. they take over California as its already pretty evil and b0ne everyone. California is then sealed off with a holy spell to keep the bads out and it becomes h-ll on earth. also the moustache guy has turned evil and is sided with the daemons and is trying to tunnel out of California to Arizona to turn it evil too. and only a kung fu bishop with a holy axe can stop him by fighting through the invading forces and sealing the tunnels 1 at a time. also its a 16 bit action game like Spider-Man or phantom 2040 with various holy weapons and each area in Arizona is a level you gotta fight the invaders and a boss who holds the tunnel gate open. oh and the game boss is the turtle th science guy experimented on who is leading the invasion as the successor to the moustache guys will

Thursday, May 18, 2017

It Cane From Beneath The Sea Review

note; I COULD spell rght, but dat wouldn't be as fun
It Came from Beneath the Sea
this is my review of It Came from Beneath the Sea
its done by ray harryhausen and stars no one ive heard of
it starts by talking about an atom powered submarine
then we get a cool opening of text coming outta da ocean
sorta like star wars
we get text saying something like; this could happen
I don't know I missed most of it
then we get guys in a sub talking
they change the music in the sub
but then they notice something bigger than a whale or a sub following em
its a Gundam!!!!!!!!!
they go to attack mode and check the sonar image
but cant make it out
they go in deeper
but it follows and gets em
they sense radiation from outside
its the giant behemoth!
they try to escape but the thing has em
so they try to surface
they eventually make it
the thing is gone
divers say they found a rubber thing on the sub
the captain sez to keep quiet
so they go to pearl harbor
scientists examine the rubber thing in radio active suits
th girl scientist is kinda disgruntled
its revealed shes the 2nd best marine biologist
and the best bit it
they keep working on finding out what the rubber thing is
the girl talks about how she don't wanna dumb down things to explain it to the main guy
that's kinda stuck up
I dumb stuff down for people all da time
main guy and girl talk about romance
and chicks aint allowed on subs
sounds like prison
and in prison people b0ne
but this is da 50s so its cleaner
later they find out wat the thing is
and the next day someone high rank comes by
they say its a giant octopus
and nukes were what brought it up from the deep
they gave a test octopus a radioactive meal
and some fish can sense radioactivity and escape
so the giant octopus went after other things like men
they say a buncha boats went down
but the high hank guys don't buy it
th man scientist is growing closer to the girl one
but he denies it
the girl scientist looks kinda like the chick from aliens
later a boat sees a huge tentacle
they go overboard as the octopus brings it down
took half an hour but we got to see it
at a tropical place the scintists have dinner
and the main guy stops by and tries to dances with the girl
she makes a fuss for no reason but calms down
they talk a bit and make out
after dinner she reveals shes not changing her plans to go to egytp and he walks off
then army guys come in an say they gotta stay cuz a boat went down and they think its the creature
a survivor sez it was a big log thing that grabbed em
he compares it to the stethoscope bit bigger
the other survivors sez they saw nothin after the guy is taken to see the dr
the girl takes off her jacket and smokes with the survivor who saw it
nowadays she's try to butt seduce him with a skimpy outfit
but this is the 50s, so its cleaner
she gets him to say (while a radio to the army guys was on) it was a giant octopus
the army searches da ocean foe the giant octopus
the army plans to blow the octopus but the girl sez the octopus is too good for em
also they have been blockaiding the ocean and theyre keeping the octopus secret
but Canada and peru and a 3rd country are getting p-ssed
yeah what Canada gonna do? throw pinecones at em?
they cheack various places the creature might be after people go missing or some cr-p
at a beach teens went missing, theres tentacle marks on the beach
the main guy and the girl have a romantic time on the beach in 50s swimsuits
in the real version I think they were b0ning
but the sheriff calls em over
the giant tentacle gets the sheriff
the whole west coast prepares for he tentacle monster
pare an electric net to keep the monster out of the san fran sisscko bay
they plan to bust the octiopus brain with a shot
they have a jet propelled torpedo that goes off by remote
they talk about how in the 1300s or w/e Holland faced a giant octopus when Vesuvius went off
so is this the same creature or are there several of em?
later the octopus is coming and they drop mines
the thing gets through and climbs the golden gate bridge
is this like king kong climbing the new York building?
the main guy I think goes on the bridge to turn of the electric thing
another guy goes on the bridge to save him as the octopus tears it up
he saves him
remember that octopus in ecco the dolphin?
that was cool
the news warns people of the giant radioactivce octopus
wow that sounds bad
in the bay the octopus crushes things
it takes out a chopper
it starts going on land
this sub is gonna fire torpedoes under water under boats at the octopus
the tantacles crush peole and smear em  on the road
I like how you can kinda tell how it was done
its sorta fake, but the not bad fake
almost real
they flamethrower the teatacles and the thing goes under water]
then they torpedo it but it gets stuck in its flesh
and the thing grabs the sub
as a kid I said sumberine instead of submarine
they cant blow it or they'd be blown
the octopus is smart
irl they are smarter than apes
they are
they can time things and undo locks from inside
look it up
so a diver goes in to save em
he bites it
the man scientist goes in to use a gun thing on the monster
as he knows its weak points
I gotta say, the things size is inconsistent
one minute its limb can crush people not much smaller than it
the next it can grab a nucular sub
the scentist uses a thig on the monster and it lets go of the sub
they blow it
they rescue the divers(I thought he was dead)
the scentists and main guy have a meal drinks and smokes and the radio thanks the people who stopped the thing
the science gurl and main guy are gonna write a book about the sea monster and they smooch
the end
that was pretty cool
too bad it was a bit widescreen
but it wasn't too widescreen
plus octopi are cool
smarter than dogs, pigs and apes
for it came from beneath the sea 2 i'd like if the scientists were experimenting on the octopus they irradiated and found it was smarter than them. one scientist is jealous and gets drunk and tries to b0ne it dead. the octopus crawls up his a55 and controls him. it goes around killing people and when his body breaks down it crawls out his a55 and goes in another guy. when the scientists find this out, they create a radioactive ape to fight it, but the octopus crawls up its a55 and tears it up inside. the scientists make a deal to let it be an assassin and they wont have it executed for icing all those people. then for it came from beneath the sea 3 its working with ninja to assassinate bad guys

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Red Dust Review

note; spelling better wont get me more views
Red dust
thisd is my reviewe on red dust
its a 30s film that was remade as mogambo
I was gonna review mogambo but found this has clark gable and jean harlow
ooh, mary astor is in diss
ooh, victor flemming did this
and its by mgm
this looks good
SO IN INDOCHINA (f caps lock) theres a rubber plantation
clark gable drinks tree fluids and sez its cr-ppy
it'll take 3 years to get the trees in shape
cuz theyere too young
he then splashes these 3rd world workers with the p-ss bucket for being lazy
I hope that's p-ss
then theres a wind storm
man this movie don't watse time
oh its a dust storm
this one guy Gideon is drunk so gable tries slapping him awake
they throw him in bed and jean harlow is in it
shes got chutzpa
shes staying here cuz she caused an issue in town and needs to wait it out
yeah cuz she blends in with the rest of the Asians and they wont remember a curvy blonde with her accent
clark gable talks with his homie aboit quitting and the homie sez hes gonna do rubber forever
the homie suggests going to Saigon
also theres a tiger outside
then jean comes back and sez shes not used to sleep[ing nights
I don't think the film can say it, but I think shes a h00ker
she wants to name gables parrot
they eat cheese and chat
the homie sez if it was 1894 hed b0ne her
but she's be like 4 then
the homie goes to bed
she talks about cheese and how its made
but this p-sses clark off
they clash then laugh
they're gonna b0ne
they get cozy and the camera moves to the bird and it starts talking
I think thats 30s for; they b0ned
later a guy and his wife (mary astor) come in
mary wants to take a bath but this Asian guy shows her they just hose off with a water spoon in public
huband thinks he screwed up but astor comforts him and sez it'll be ok
y'know, clark gable is kinda like if George Clooney was straight and not a commie
gable comes in and helps take care of the husband as hes gotta fever
gable sez the nearest dr is in sagon and thatds 3 days there,3 days back
and he might not make it if they go
he clashes with the wife and she runs back to be with the husband
at night clark spies on astor getting undressed and a tiger comes near
she runs inside but gable comforts her saying the tiger don't come too close
oh the husband is there to work for the rubber plantation
gable chats with his droogs and jean harlow comes by
this brittishy guy sez something wrong with the propeller in his boat and it'll be a while b4 its fixed
later harlow meets aster
harlow shows she has experience with knowing how drs there work
she gives a story about being stuck in da mud and having to walk through the junglre
but astor don't belive it
clark bashes jean over "going around half naked" and "watching her language" around astor
but shes more covered up than most people now
esp in anime/fighting games and p0rn0
husband needs help and clark helps
nowadays he'd probably have the aids
later clark sez hes gonna make it
astpr regrets being b--chy to him b4
then clark takes off his shirt and sees harlow
she tries to get a clock to work
its a barometer
so shes like a bimbo
later husband is ok and goes to work
later gable walks by and gets splashed
its jean harlow taking a bath in a barrel
clark sez to put up curtains and they drink that water and for her to get out
then astor comes by
this is how p0rn0es go
clark shows astor how rubber is made
he puts acid in rubber tree j-zz and it makes rubber
astor asks if he misses civilization
also gable sez they don't let women in the plantation
and the workers women are at home in the village
they chat for a while and a storm starts up
he carries her through the storm
at the base harlow closes windows and sees gable bring astor in his room
they're soaked and he kisses his mouth on her mouth
bt she regrets it
I assume in the real version they b0ned
he goes out and astor is in the same room as harlow
they talk and start to play cards
later husband and gable chat at a meal with the gang
astor goes outside
gable sez to husband that he wants husband to survey a place out there
husband tells astor abut it and she wants to go
but astor I mean husband sez its not a good idea
is gable trying to kill him off to b0ne his wife?!
that didn't work well for king david
or prince charrleis current woman
jean sez she s gonna tell the husband but clark sez he'd do it himself
later the gang is doing outside mission stuff and its been 3 weeks
the aian guy jokes about some girls undies he's ironing
he reminds me of William hung
jean harlow complains about gable being gay for astor
the Asian guy delivers the laundry and gable comes in and sends him to prepare pheasants for dinner
he makes out with her on the mouth and sez he wants to get out of the country someday
he reveals he has to go downriver to deal with "coolies"
I don't know what those are
is that a racist term?
I'm not from the 30s
he might tell the husband
clark goes out through a river on a horse
he talks to the husband about progress in the project
also theres a tiger out there
clark gables homie sez the husband is loyal but not meant for labor in the rubber mines
also his fever came back a bit
I think we all see where this is going
clark and husband go up a tree and chat about the future
he wanted to go to south ameiica but loves his woman
he also wants to have kids with her
oh f
hes talking about his future plans
pretty sure that means hes gonna get iced
remember flesheater 2
revenge of the living zombies
then the tiger attacks a cow
but they open fire and clark bags it
nowadays they'd make this look like the humans were the bad guys
good this this is the 30s!!
gable plans to return to check a new batch of tree fluids
he rides back on his water horse
they brittishy guy reveals gables been b0ning his wife
so the husband slugs him
later he goes out
wiat, its gable
and the real brittishy guy sez the boats almoist ready to bring the blonde back
I got the characters mixed up
it was Gideon
but the husband is out and heading for gable on a horse
the jean harlow talks to the clark gable as he drinks
he sez that the husband is alive
after enough wine, gable turns hetero and starts doing stuff with jean harlow
what took ja so long?!
they start b0ning and the mary astor walks in with a gun
for some reason shes mad at him cheating even though she cheated on her real man
he sez he never told her husband and tells her off
so she shoots him
what is she? a feminist?!
then the husband comes n
gable sez she capped him for him coming on to her
jean harlow sez she resisted al his attacks
they gon leave tomorrow
oh and clark gable(being a manly man) shrugs off a bullet
not like those candy a55 teens in todays movies
also he has harlow push the bullet out with a stick and clean out the wound all the way through
nowadays teens go mental when someone disagrees with em
clark gable takes REAL pain like a REAL man
later he's recovering and jean harlow reads him the paper
the husband and wife are arriving in or from philedelphia
the end
that was pretty good
classic 30s romance/comedy/drama
surprised they let the wife cheet on the husband
after the code (ABACABB in moral kombat 1 on sega) they didn't allow that
I thought jean harlow was thicker
must be made when b4 she finished developing
for red dust 2 i'd like if the workers got into communism and formed a union to fight the company that gave em work. clark gable and his pregnant gf jean harlow gotta find a way to get rid of this strike or the place is gonna close. its mostly him explaining why unions s-ck a55 and are bullies that cause more
problems than they claim to solve. in the end, the union captures his pregnant gf as a hostage to force the company to surrender to their demands and he has to sneak into their base and save her while blowing them away with his new prototype gun that fires tree branch sticks and is powered by blood. also its a run and gun game on sega genesis and super Nintendo with you as clark gable and ur gun is called the "union buster" and the game boss is a giant tiger riden by the commie leader who turned the people commie and is using them to take over and become leader

Saturday, May 13, 2017

East Of Eden Review

note;spelling good aint not un non worth it
east of eden
this is my review on east of eden
its by elia Kazan and has james dean
its based on a book by john Steinbeck
it starts with several minutes of overture and water and rocks
man this is really widescreen
half the screen is black bars
after some credits text sez its in 1917 north California
james dead I mean dead(that was an honest typo) seems disgruntled and a chick deposits cash at the back
didn't new cutey honey start like this?
he follows the chick
she goes inside her home and this teen chick is cleaning the steps
she gets the teen inside and tells her husband about james following her
the husband confronts him d he sez he just wants to talk to her
is this a horror movie?
he seems like a talker
he asks husband more about the chick, ez he hates her , then jump on a train
wtf was dat about??
later a teen couple talks about cal being a prowler
then they meet james dean (cal) and invite him to some thing
james dean comes home as his dad talks about a mastodon frozen in Russia for thousands of years and the meat was stll good
I heard the guy who ate it said its the worst thing he put in his mouth
dad sez freezing things keeps em fresh and anything can be frozen fresh
irl that's not true
it also matters how u freeze it
james dean sez in America gets into war they can make a lot off beans and corn
too bad they sided with the brits
kaizer forever!!
james dean smokes near a place full of sawdust
in the ice area james dean watches his bro and bros gf(the teens from b4) being happy
he seems really disgruntled and pulls out an ice hook and stabs ice
that's f'd up
this guys gonna be a serial killer
he the dumps a lot of good ice down the chute and busts it
later the dad reads the bible with his sons and tries to help malcontent dean
so james dean is the bad son
and the brother is the god son
he asks dean to read a few verses to help him understand but he f's it up on purpose
his dad gets p-ssed and sez hes bad, then sez sorry for speaking in anger
dad sez; we can be what we choose to be as we aint animals
james dean sez his mom is still alive
dad sez he told the sons that to spare them pain
and she was hateful and awful
and he tells james dean not to tell his bro
dad has a scar from the indian campaigns
dad sez she went east and he ever heard from her
never, eat, santas...
oh that's east
they talk about moms beauty
dean walks out as his dad bes him not to go
he goes to a bar and meets the daughter of the bank chick working there
she tells him to book it and they go to a back room to talk about the bank chick(kate)
he asks about her hands(which his dad sed his mom has ivory pretty hands) and she sez kate wore gloves
se tells james dean she needs this job and he keeps lingering and goes to a back room
when he opens a door his shadow shows beside him in good german expressionism like nosferatu
he talks to this chick but she has him thrown out
some purvurt sneaks into my room, i'd f him dead!
they have him arrested
he sez he was seeing his own mother
the sheriff talks to james dean and sez hes a riend of his dads
he shows james dean a photo of deans rents o their wedding day
james dean sez he knows his mom ad him are bad
and he hates his rents
oh, edgy
hes just a malcontent teen
its like degrassi
sheriff sez she shot him and her leaving him killed him inside
james thinks he hurt her but sheriff sez hes the kindest man around
jams deans dad (adam)(we get it, its all bible refs) freezes veggies saying if he can keep em cold enuff long enuff it'll work
later the fam and workers are doing veggies and james dean does something right
his dad compliments his good work
james dean goes to a field and chats with the bros gf about her family cr-p
she was p-ssed off and mental over her dad remarrying
she threw his ring for his new wife in the river
she forgave him for "not understanding"
she put her own malcontentary over her dads happiness in finding love after loss
what a b--ch
dad gets mad at a bad move dean did
later adam is explained how cars work to buy 1
the dad pcks up fast
man, cars were complex in the 1900s
later the ice packed lettuce has melted and water flows out the car
wouldn't it have melted bit by bit an already dripped out?
did someone nuke it with a blast of ki like in dbz?
later james dean talks to a guy about beans as "war is good for business"
its also awful, kills people, and ruins countries
but james dean only cares about cash
they talk about buying beans and growing em and cr-p I don't fully get
I'm not a farmer, my grampa was
later in the fog james dean meets the bank chick
tells her their names are caleb and arron from the bible
didn't wanna go with cain and abel?
thought that would be too obvious?
is james dean gonna kill someone??
he asks the bank chick for 5000$
they go in her place and talk about his and his bros life
they both hate ranches
he sez beans are gonna go up in price when they go to war and adam lost it all in lettuce
she sez that she heard he thinks she otta be run outta town
she sez she isn't gonna disturb his family
he asks her why she shot him
he sez cuz adam tried to keep her "tied down" on a farm
marriage is "for better or worse" not "until I get bored"
she goes on a tirade and seez it as ironic that her cash is gonna help the man who she ditched
se sez; hes the purest man I evr met, and I'm paying you to save his purity
is that implying he's gotta turn to being a h00ker to pay back cash??
then they go to war with zee kaizer!
too bad they didn't side with em
would've prevented ww2
they have a military parade and everyones cocky
when ww1 started, they thought they'd be home in a few weeks
it went on several years
besides, the serbs started it
that malcontent killing Franz Ferdinand and his woman
ow they have a statue in his honor in Serbia
yet americans having confederate statues is seen as bad
the war goes on ad the germans do well
so malcontent americans turn on their german descended neighbors who's dna wasn't in Germany for decades
u wanted this james dean
u wanted the money
u didn't think of the victims
later theres a carnival and james dean hangs out with his bros gf
1 guy spreads anti german propaganda
dean and bros gf ride a ferris wheel and she talks about being unbalanced about her feelings with the bro
he thinks shes special and perfect cuz he never new his mother and projects his views on her
he just has hope
thinking positive
why is that bad?!
then james dean makes out with his bros gf
but she breaks down saying she loves the bro
he sees some people harassing a german American and dean climbs doen the ferris wheel
the bro defends the german guy but the town is full of anger aND HAtE
they read a letter saying one townies son bit it in the war, ad they blame him
that's racist
they start tearing up his place but the sheriff comes in and stops em
this makes me glad slovenija never goes to war
or really even makes the news
unless one of us wins a skiing thing
the bro sees the gf carrying deans coat and tells dean off
ean beats him up
what a d-ck
oh and in the chaos of the german attack dean slugged people
bro goes off and dean sez he tried to kill him
the gf sez that she wishes the kiss didn't mean anything
later dean is drunk and goes to the guy hes doing the beans with to get money
but the guy sez it'll be there tomorrow
then dean goes to the gf and sez he earned back all the cash adam lost
he sez he sez he wants to throw a party and give dad the cash
what are you playing at??
wont he wonder where you got it?
drugs? b0ning for cash? wacking people??
later everythings set up and the gf sez the bro got the dad something
james dan thinks it womt stack up to his gift
also hes drunk
later the dad is on the draft board and talks to a guy about letting his son stay home ad help with the crops
dad comes in and they say happy b day
he gives him the cash
b4 he pens it, the good bro comes out to his dad and sez hes engaged to the gf
dad sez he cant think of anything nicer
dean gives him the cash he made buying "futures' on beans at 5 cents and made a lot of cash off it
adam se he wants him to give the cash back as it was made off of the pain and suffering of the innocent
dean snaps and breaks own and hugs dad in a weird way
he sez he hates adam an runs out b--ching
he thinks adam don't want anything from him

man, james dean's a real D(-ck)
he only thinks of his own cr-p and not his hurting family
what a d-ck
I now he tried but he doesn't get how his dad feels
like giving a fur coat to a PETA a55 hole
the bro tells james dean offt putting up wthhi crual vicious cr-p for years but this is enough
he ants deanto stay away from his gf
dean snaps and tells him their mom is still alive
he reveals once he shot a rabbit and the bro cried
hes killing animals for fun?! that's the sign of a serial killer!
he brings his bro to see their mom all rotted like a jack o latern
the music is really good
shows the tension and horror
he pushes his bro on her and locks em in a room together
does he want them to b0ne?!
james dean is f'd up!!
he goes home and swings on a swing the camera is off kilter
he accuses adam of not loving any of em
he sez hes jealous and is done with him and all love
what a b--ch
the dad has enough of his cr-p and kills him
that would be a good ending though
like Richard mcbeef
he really sez "let him go" and the gf goes after him
then the sheriff sez the good bro got drunk, got in fights, and is signing up for the war to bite it
adam tries to save his son but the son busts his head on a window and laughs as it takes him away
then adam has a stroke
holy f james dean! you destroyed your family!
dean might skip town
man, the fam was happy hours ago
james dean r-ped it dead
dean confronts his possible vegetable dad and sez hes sorry
the gf sez she knows he understands her
she sez its awful not being loved
he needs a sign hes loved or hes f'd
if he asks for something from james dean it will fix him
james dean talks to his dad about having choices and adam asks dean to get him another nurse as he hates this one
james dea sez he ant stand the nurse either and somehow this fixes everything
he asks james dean to help take care of him
the end
holy cr-p,the sheriff was burl ives
he narrator in Rudolf the red nosed reindeer.
and the dad was john brown in santa fe trail
and was scarlet pimpernel
and the old dark house
that was a good film
but james dean is just a d-ck in there
I can tel the dad tries but dean just destroyed him
it reminds me a bit of miles and his dad in degrassi
only they are more fair to the dad
for east of eden 2 i'd like it if the brother who snapped is in ww1 and is ot only killing the enemy, but eating them. all the protein from the people he eats, plus overexerting himself cause him to be big and buff like Hollywood Hulk Hogan and when the war ends, he cant stop killing people and eating them. soon he's a menace going from town to town tearing people up and eating them, as he makes his way back to james dean, who has sold his soul to daemons for black powers to heal his dad(ho rejected the powers and asploded from his goodness not working with them. eventually he makes it to dean (who owns California and has turned it into new Sodom with b0ning and killing not stop) and tears his way through his men to face dean to avenge his family. its also a platform/beat em up hybrid on sea genesis and super Nintendo and you play as the brother fighting his way through the places with dark lord james dean as the final boss.

Friday, May 12, 2017

The Giant Claw Review

note; I spell bad, but so r the monster effex
the giant claw
this is my review on the giant claw
ive never seen this film b4 so I'm virgin to it
I only heard of it from cinemassacre when james rolfe reviewed it
right as it starts we get the title
no logos or cr-p
better than modern films with 6 minutes of that
a nArrator sez how the earth isn't as big now as we can travel faster distances
and we have security and radar and cr-p
just wait til the 80s
we get the sega genesis
also a jet is going for a test run or something
he does a stunt and this chick b--ches about it
hes an electric engeneer who plays by his own rules
is this da 80s?!
the narrator sez the pilot sees some flying thing that f's everything up
but radar cant see it
its as big as a battleship and lying at high speed
what is this? Robotech?!
they send reinforcements
he returns and the guy incharge is p-ssed and wishes the pilot was in the army so he could court martial him
he thinks pilot is playing a joke
and 1 search plane didn't return
isn't that proof theres something out there?
flying battleship?
the super dimensional fortress macross??
also  plane with 60 dudes got taken out
oh wait
I should've said "flying battery"
the sonic and knuckles level
not Macross
later a plane is flying and they see a bird thing
also theres some anomaly
e plane is shook up by a blast of wind and an engine blows
it goes down and is done with miniatures which looks better than cg
the plane bows after they get out
a Frenchie lets em stay with em and gives em moonshine
the lawman sez they gotta seal the area and keep it hish hush (sweet charlotte)
they are gonna go to the airport later
pilot talks to the general who bashes his a55 on the phone
they are gonna go to new York
the Frenchie goes outside and gets attacked but we don't see it
they bring him in and he freaks out
he sez its a demon in a storm
wolf face, woman body, wings
get the destination truth homies on it
wtf theyre in Canada?!
the why are the cops wearing cowboy hats?!
wait, dats the army
the army guys come to take em to the aiport
1 sez if u see the creature it means u gon bite it soon
so its like the star by the big dipper in Hokuto no ken?
also in the ground is a huge bird foot print
pilot and chick fly in a plane and he does the closest to b0ning they have in the 50s
leaning near her and mild kissing
if ths were made today they'd be b0ning
shes a stickler for rules and sticking to em too much
like those c-ck suckers who say you gotta use the wrong card if you misplay In Yugioh
or c-ck suckers who whine when your tummy shows when u stretch a bit
pilot uses a map and connects the sightings of the battleship in a spiral
that's cr-p btw
it goes in a spiral by connecting 4 points in random parts of a map?
at least its not a unicursal hexagram
like Yugioh season 4
she bashes him and they later make out and maybe b0ne
later a plane goes to where the plane went down and the battleship attacks
but if its going in a spiral wont it jut keep going out and not return?
we see it and its a really f'd up bird
it looks like that guy from professor iris
and its got a Mohawk
and teeth!!
birds don't have teeth!!
and the winged dragon god card from Yugioh don't count
its a dragon god
not a burd
btw this looks nothing like a battleship
it eats the plane people
the pilot is take to the army and he shows em the pattern
the chick sez she was doing earth curvature work
chick? curves? what is this? cutey honey??
they use balloons to photograph cr-p
they check the balloons and find pix of da burd
its neck looks phalllc but with too much skin bunched up
they don't know why it cant be seen by radar
so many planes are searching for it
a squad finds it and are ordered to shoot it down
this would make a good videogame
like Robotech battlecry
they attack but it does jack
the planes get picked off 1 by one
they get ready to use missiles or nukes or something
we get a science lesson about anti matter
the bird is said to be antimatter
but anti matter and matter bust on contact
but it as a shield of anti matter
that's why radar wont see it
the radar slides around it instead of bouncing off
and it can control the antimatter to physically attack
this feels like power rangers
a feather found by it is totally unknown to science
they say its from an antimatter galaxy
what is this? Yugioh zexal??
galaxy-eyes anti-matter dragon!?
they try to keep it under wraps but the bird attacks and the people see it
pilot spends day trying to find a way to stop it
the chick sez the bird came to build a nest
the gov sez its attracted by movement so they declare martial law to stop movement in America
yet they take a chopper with the Frenchie to the woods with a gun
they find the nest but frenchie runs away and gets eaten
they shoot a hole in the egg
at night they drive away but some dumba55 teens are goofing around and the bird gets em
wtf they survive
they get back to the base and pilot has a plan
he finds theres some atom that can do matter and anti matter as its heavier than electrons
and they can use it to take out the shields
but the atom only lasts foe 1 2millonths of a second
is that real??
they try working on it for a while
the pilot is not well after something
oh its an explosion
but he has got the atom machine working
they get the thing in the plane and the bird attacks a city
it goes after the u n building
they cause more problems than they solve
it flies around and busts stuff
they use the electron thing and the army rockets it
it goes down really easy and sinks under water with 1 claw reaching out like in terminator 2
the end
that was not as bad as everyone sez
good 50s sci fi
the bad puppet looks cr-ppy but its fun
they tried
originally they wanted the legand ray harryhausen to do the effects but cheaped out and had em done in mexico
yeah it would've been better
but not as cr-ptastic
I kida liked it
although the science was a bit too much
it went too deep
kinda overdone and easy to get lost in it
but I was doing like 2 other things so it might be dat
wait, what about the legends of the frenchie monster?!
that means the bird was there b4!!
for the giant claw 2 i'd like it if it picks up right where the 1st ldt off and the giant bird breaks apart underwater and reveals its second form, a robot monster like a big cricket! it goes around with lightning power and attacks various places and eating peoples skin but leaving them skinless and desiring human flesh to devour. cut to years later and the cricket has taken over the world with flesh slaves as its enforcers and the pilot id working on a ice tarantula robot that can take it down and blast the flesh slaves with ice acid.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Rodan Review

note; I used to spell better. no I don't care
this is my review on rodan
ooh, its fullscreen
and the credits are in English
its the dubbed version
a nRRATOR describes some island getting nuked in a nuke test
then a Japanese guy talks about a thing that happened in his mining town
then somethimg happens in the mine and 2 guys are trapped
they go in and they find Yoshi chopped up
and they don't know what did it after the autopsy
they think goro did it
when I hear goro I think mortal kombat
they go back in to find him
but something wastes em
the autopsys say 2 bit it only from shock
1 chick freaks out thinking theres something awful in da mine
this reminds me of Urotsukidoji II: Legend of the Demon Womb where Kohoki or Takeyaki went around wasting people
then big bugs attack the village
and they see a huge one on the hill
so they open fire on it
it still chops up a few guys with its claws though
then it just disappears
does it bite it?
did it escape?
bad editing
so the army comes in
they go back in the mine and find it and open fire
I think theres only 1 bug
guns don't stop it so a guy rides a minecart into it
they go in to get goro's body
but theres another big bug
then the mine caves in and it looks like that scene in power rangers season 1
theres earthquakes and this guy from some place goes to investigate
they find shigeru(the Japanese guy who talked about the mining town)
his memory was wiped and I think hes brain damaged
he starts rehab
the guy from someplace (glasses) sez he mine bug is a prehistoric insect
its always some ancient animal
shigeru has an episode looking at a picture of the bug
later a jet encounters a super sonic thing
it wastes him
also its better in the air than his et
sounds like episode 001 of Robotech where rick hunter outdid veritechs in a fanjet
later it flies around and busts cities with SONIC BOOMS
john hughes died
he was a US AF guy in here
not the breakfast club guy
also a volcano might erupt
and a couple got pictutes of the flying thing
shigerus gf  or sister or w/e shows him baby birds hatching and he has viet nam flashbacks to a big red monster busting out of a giant egg and eating the bugs
then he gets his memory back
he sez it as a pteranodon
even though it looks nothing like it
also didn't mothra do this too?
giant egg releasing a big monster?
only here the bugs are wat it eats
btw I heard stories of ancient greeks describing having seen winged reptiles
they go back in the mine to bust the other eggs but only find 1 piece of eggshell
1 guy wonders how an ancient creature can revive after so long
I guess this movie is creationist
a fw hundred years compared to millions
plus seeds from Egyptian tombs were able to grow wheat
or something like dat
they say the flying thing is a giant winged reptile with a 500 foot wingspan
they called it
In japan in think its called radon
after pteRAnoDON
also volcanic stuff woke it up
oh and now it eats people
so the military attacks it with jets as it rests on da ground
hoy cr-p we're like 45 mins in
but it feels like nothing happened
rodan flies off and another one arises
the jets fight rodans but the weapons don't work
why not plow into its wing?
that can at least get it outta the air
rodan lands and its wings blow apart the place
also the military opens canon fire on it
then the secord rodan flies by and the wind busts the city
lol the closed captions say "people screaming" when rodan shrieks
then they leave
they expect the rodans are gonna hibernate so they'll bury em in rocks and missiles
they'll nuke the mining village shigeru is from
shigeru and the chick admit thier love for eachother
glad that subplot was resolved
I thought they were bro/sis or already a couple
they missile launche and bury the rodans
this goes on for several minutes of explosions
so that's where Michael bay got it from
rodan flies up but falls in lava and burns
then the other does too
shigeru sez some emo cr-p about how they died good and he hopes to die that good as well and they chose to bite it
that's f'd up
u got issues shigeru
the end
that was pretty good
nowadays it would be all cg
although most of it was just destruction
entertaining and fun
How did it fly super sonic if its the size of a building?
it just rockets around like its got a missile up its a55
for rodan 2 i'd like for shigeru to have gone mad from the brain damage and shock of seeing the rodans biting it and he tries to become the new rodan. he makes a giant mech rodan to take its place and decides to wipe out humanity to get back at them for a few humans killing the last 2. but his gf/sister/w/e takes the main gear needed to activate it and he sends his cloned rodan minions who were made from his DNA ad rodan pieces after her. oh and she uses the gear as a power boost item to turn into a costumed hero and fight them.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Reign Of Fire Review

note:i cant not un non spell not un reverse badless
reign of fire
this is my review of reign of fire(2002)
its by touchtone who did nightmare before Christmas
I didn't see this film until the 2010s my 1st time
aw gay
matthew mcconehguy
he s-cked
it starts with credits and birds
ooh, Gerald butler is in here
b4 his 6 packs and speedos days as 300
so its soviet England and this kid who looks like the kid from the omen goes by a construction site to see his dad
I should mention the film has a ash pallet
grays, blacks, and charred colors
but its not too dark
theres good lighting and isn't as cr-ppy as modern films
I think this was recorded on real film instead of cr-ppy digital
so the kid sees his mom and he needs 3000 brit money to pay for scholarship
they don't got it but maybe dad can pay
then the dig team opens a hollow area and this guy sends the kid (Quinn) (isn't that a girls name??)(maybe hes a hermaphrodite)(this isn't an anime) into it
he finds a big a55 dragon wo blasts him with clear fluid
so he gets the h-ll outta there
spoiler; I think the fluid is j-zz
the dragon nukes the place as the mom and boy go up the elevator
the dragon goes by and it wastes her
then Christian bale b4 his batman days  narrates the next dozen years or so about them wiping out mankind and destroy civilization
they wiped out the dinosaurs and the ash caused ice ages
in real life it was noahs flood
its the distant future year 2020
which isn as distant or future nowadays
people live in a sunny yet ashen wasteland and worry about dragon attacks
so its mad max with dragons
although violence jack had the slum king's elite dragon force
so this guy wants to harvest yet christain(quin) wants to wait til they can make seeds for next year
they are trying to outlast the dragons
later Gerald butler reenacts star wars ep 5 with luke and vader for kids
Quinn sez he made it up
weird how Disney did this and now they poop out star wars movies
they then pray about how they keep watching the skys
that's not a prayer
that's a sci fi movie
then some guys go on a night run
btw they live in a castle
this whole movie is a modern day knights and dragons story
we just need a princess
use Olivia de haviland
she was 88 when this came out
but she had experience
this kid tells qwin that theres dragon breath
then its day and the harvest guys from b4 are picking their garden
someone sees something and telegraphs the castle to get the people under ground
why are there so many kids?!
I think one of em did a lot of b0ning after the dragons attacked
maybe thought; the worlds gonna end, might as well b0ne!
so this dragon torches the crop and eats a guy
they do a roll call t see if theyre all here
I don't care about these dinks names
they're all toast anyway
so the dragin traps em in fire and they're saved by a guy in a heat proof suit and water blaster
oh its quin
they put out da flame but the crop is ash
oh and the dragon toasts abother guy
theres some chaos as they get away and quin sez da draghon only wants the ash from the field
back home butler drinks booze and Quinn gets bummed over things going down
he then has viet nam flashbacks to being 8 when it started
later some tanks come by and this Viking looking guy comes out
he looks bad a55
hes probably irish
brits aint known for mANLyness
except the chix and Churchill
ohh, hes a confederate fron Kentucky!
aw gay
its matthew mcconahy
his nams van zant (like the annoying black chick from degrassi) so I assume hes Austrian
he lost most of his men and fuel and needs a place to crash
he has a dragon fang from wasting one
he tells how he found in day and night they have great vision
but at the border between them they s-ck
qwin lets him in
hes VZ for van zant
butler don't trust vz but quin does
oh and they got a chopper
oh and theres a chick with em
she has guys who jump out of a chopper and snare dragons w/o parachutes
like using dire diamond wolfs effect to blow up 1 card on each side of the field
quin has guards watching em round da clock
later he tells lex about how he saved kids over the years
the a dragon is sighted and they go after it
it headbutts the chopper and eats a guy
the guy falls and it chases him
and its a few guys
the net its wings bt it gets out
1 guy hits dirt
another parachutes out
vz has quin lure the dragon to him on horseback
vz takes it out with his harpoon cannon
theres a shot of him jumping from a flame that was made for the trailers
and him landing and looking by the camera
they celebrate that ight but vz tells em they lost 3 guys and hes offended
later lexi tells quin that all dragons are girls and only 1 male j-zzes on all the eggs
that's super inbreeding
also it sprays chemicals out each side of the mouth that mix to form nitro napalm
if they ice the male, it goes extinct
the good guys are killing a male rare animal to wipe out a species
and nature destroyed the world
and thousands of women are meaningless w/o their main man
nowadays this would be attacked by commies who hate men/humans/sanity
but this was b4 tumblr so people were less demented
oh and the male is living where qquins mom got iced
vz gets volunteers to fight but qwin fight him
ur going against a real soldier
its like liberals assaulting people who disagree with em
and the people actually fought b4
so qwin gets his a55 kicked
the kid qwin saved years ago joins vz as an angel)the divers)(oh and they do have parachutes, they just have 17 secs to use em b4 ground impact) and qwin sez if he stays with him a few more years, the kid(a teen really) can lead em
years under the dragons foot?
or a shot to end em and be free?
laterqwin is going through the garden ash and reunites with the teen
they say the stink of dead dragon keeps em away
so later the dragon fights vz and his droogs and fries em
the scene of the dragon blasting em was for the trailor
vz survives
just him left and lexi returnz
then the dragon attax da castle
qwn returns to see it burning and the drag leaving
this has a bit of a nightmare b4 Christmas feel to it
qwin and the teen save the kids inside
butler locks him and the kids in a safe room
like toki in Hokuto no ken with kenshiro and yuria
later they're let out by vz
he tells qwin dat qwin was right
I think buter bit it offscreen
qwin vz and alexis go to the city and qwin somehow remembers how the city is above and below ground after all these years
all the girl dragons leave and the 3 emperors or Iliaster go in to assassinate the guy
vz has volatile crossbow heads
the only way to beat the boss is to stand in 50 feet of its mouth and nai it in the chest or neck or w/e
sounds like a good boss battle
in crystalis you fight that dragon boss
they sneak through the wreckage and split up
also they time their movements in the drags flying over the area
they split up but qwin dropped da arrows
vz attacks the dragon but it blasts the arrow and blows it
he jumps at it with a big axe but gets eaten
oh and alexis is crippled somehow
and they still don't have the arrows
and the dragons chasing em on the ground
I gotta say it looks pretty good
better than the cgi cr-p we get now
qwin gets an arrow and it takes time to load his bow
so lexi runs by with gunfire
I thought she hurt her leg
they standoff and he fires it in its throat and asplodes the dragon
yuu ween!
they return to the castle or something and make a monument to signal people theres people here
people come but they speak French
qwinn sez da teen is in charge
oh and they aint seen dragons in 3 weeks or months or something
qwinn and lexy walk off together to start a new future
the end
the credits have kind of a late 90s early 00s song that's pretty good
honestly, I liked this
its not the most heartfelt or epic
but it gets the job done
a good turn of the century wasteland warrior movie
it has English, scots and americans teaming up to save the world
its not too violent or swearing and theres no nude scenes or b0ning
although Christian bale got j-zzed on as a kid
surprised they had that
gay interspecies cr-p with a kid
that's f'd up
Disney? more like j-zzney!
but I liked it
give this movie a try
oh and theres not an overload of cgi
I liked the late 90s early 00s
wait, howd the dragons get out of the earth to stop the dinosaurs and do the ice age if they were buried 150 feet underground in England!?
this only seems to make sense if it is creationist
as they would only be out once instead of living millions of years and coming up a few times
yeah, that main dragon is either a few thousand or hundreds of millions of years old
as theres only 1 male
for reign of fire 2 id like it if things are rebuilding but a group of self hating humans arises who say its natures design for the dragons to purge everything. they want to wipe out humans in hopes that it will make up for them wiping out the dragon race. also they no longer see themselves as humans, but as the next line of dragons who must carry their legacy. and its a tribe war between the good humans and the self hating humans. also they have exo suits that are gear and spring based that are basically armor that gives em longer reach and spring loaded crossbow attacks and hidden blades. also its a 16 bit beat em up on sega genesis and snes where you play as either the good humans fighting for survival, or the self hating humans who try to wipe em out. ad each side has super armor and dragon scale coated weapons that are bosses.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Mothra Review

note; spelling better don't make it better
this is my review on mothra from 1961
ew widescreen
find da cure
it starts with a storm heading for some place in da ocean
I'm watchin the Japanese version btw
this boat in da storm has to take shelter on infant island
sounds like a pregnancy or age regression fetish location
after da storm searchers search for the boat
they say the island is radioactive
more fetish fuel
what next? chaos energy?
the rescue boat goes to the island and saves the survivors
but theres no radiation illness
just like Chernobyl
this is how twilight zone eps start
i find a lot of the time, the twilight zone twist is either "they were already dead" or "it was earth all along"
also, wheres all the babes?
I thought this was japan!
in anime everyones sexy!
these guys are moderate
one of em is a fata55
I'm not into male weight gain!
that's for gay guys!
they mention mysterious natives on infant island
its said when they tested nukes on infant  island, it was virtually uninhabited
that doesn't mean totally
some country tested nukes on it b4
fata55 is a reporter who tries to get this guys face on camera
but he and his camera chick are scared by a mouse
candy a55!!
its the interviewed guys son shinji's mouse
shinji? that wiener from evangelion?!
the mouse goes in fat55's suit but gets out
interview guy sez the pacific islanders share similar language so they can communicate
like Slovenian and Croatian
f u spell Czech! stop turning croation into creation
I had to retype it like 5x
you'd think after the 1st 2 it would stpop autocorrecting
later a boat is taking off and theres a big a55 sendoff
reminds me of the great battleship Potemkin
but that was when the pre soviets faced the japan
these scientists or w/e whine about some guy named nelson
fata55 is caught by a creepy guy pretending to be a cabin boy
he sez; I cant let u just leave
me; hes gonna b0ne him!!
like in dat H anime!
fata55 introduces himself to da crew
hes fukuda
f u I'm calling u fata55
he looks like mo from degrassi next gen
they go on da island and find a forest
maybe its broccoli
they are in radio active suits
fata55 keeps accidentally aiming his rifle at the guy who b0ned him
hes comic relief like abbot and Costello
maybe beavis and butthead
1 guy finds big a55 fungus in a cave
and writing in stone
its probably just graffiti
toshio maeda was here
the plants or fungus or w/e then tentacle the guy who found it dead
but leave after hes done
wtf hes not dead
he had enough points for another continue
he talks about foot tall women
the joke is; 12 inch piano player!
or maybe theyre just midgets
my moms grandma was 4'6
shes like an elf!
or to be politically correct; elfrican American
except she was in Poland
the team finds action figure sized people
theres these twins(not austin powers twins or the shining twins) who speak in beeps
the guy who b0ned fata55 captures the twins
hes gonna make them b0ne him!
then human sized islanders arrive
maybe half-elf sized
I played D&D
they make banging sounds until the b0ning guy lets the twins go
then they return to japan
guess nothing happened between then and this
maybe find a sa daemon in the waves
later they talk about nelson and his past is unknown
he tried to find something in the amazon b4
was it a dinosaur? cuz Arthur conan doyle did dat in da lost world
is nelson the guy who tried to catch the twins and b0ned fata55?
fata55 and a guy talk about the writing on the stone he found
it sez something about mothra
how convenient it relates to the American word for night butterfly
later the b0nong guy returns to the island and goes after the twins
this time they open fire on the islanders
but the islanders just keep coming
are they the twins slaves??
one of em awakens mothra and a rock thing busts open revealing an egg
how Zelda
later the b0ning guy Is getting famous off the twins
he has a stage show about em
in the show they sing about mothra
no subs for the song
I hate when they do dat
yatsu subber wa okama kusai baka!!
ore samma wa muteki da!
at the island the islanders do some blood ritual and the egg moves
fata55 and his homies try to reason with nelson(the b0ning guy) but he sez the twins aint human so they am his property
also they don't speak Japanese
then what are they doing in japan!?
oh yeah
oh the guy hanging with fata55 was the guy b0ned by the plant
and the twins saved him
they start talking Japanese
they can transmit thoughts and feeling to people
what is this? go nagai!?
they warn em about mothra commig if they aint freed
why not tell em wat mothura is??
how can they know of it??
the islanders have a ritual and a big black phallllic thing comes outta the egg
later the paper outed the nelson but he wants a retraction
retract my foot from yo a55!
also something was seen in the pacific
this isn't 1999 so its not the SDF-1 at macross island
in the ocean the big black phallllic monster busts a big white boat
they blame nelson but he sez its not his fault and mothras a myth
nelson is from Rolisica the country dat nuked da island
the plant b0ned guy goes to save the twins as fata55 kicks a55 of guys after them
they try to stop the twins telepathy with a special radio wave blocking substance to stop mothra
a jet guy goes by mothta
the military tries to prepare
the Rolisican government sides with nelson
the military tries to stop mothra but it don't work
also I don't think moth larva can swim
nelson thinks they iced mothra
nelson gets a call telling him to stop da show
he wont
he yells at the twins to stfu and takes em away in the substance box
mothra busts a reservoir and it floods
some dumba55 left her baby on a bridge and fata55 has to save it
the people want him to return the twins
this fat kid gets in nelsons place and saves the twins
 but they catch him
Rolisica sides with japan to free the girls
oh the fat kid is shinji
reminds me of all the male weight gain art of that wiener from evangelion
fata55 and the b0ned guy save shinji who was bound and gagged and maybe b0ned
mothra is In japan and busting a55
so the army tries again
didn't this happen in starship troopers?
just bust a hole in its back and drop a grenade
man these tanks aint doing jack
we need Mazinger Z!
1 breast fire and hes toast
mothra climbs Tokyo tower and snaps it in 2
mothtra then makes a cocoon
hes digivolving!
correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't silk super flammable?
just torch it as it transforms
as its changing its gonna be weaker
its armor wont be at full power
plus it might be half morphed and incomplete
the next day the military uses some kinda heat ray to attack it
why not use a giant magnifying glass and burn a hole in it?
it catches fire and burns
they think they won
nelson mocks the twins
btw the twins don't look too much similar
the twins sing and the cocoon busts open and a big effing moth busts out
its wingbeat causes gale winds
holy cr-p cars and being blown around
mothra (not mum ra from thunder cats)is a puppet but looks real
now it would be one with cgi and s-ck
nelson books it with his droogs
the Rolisica asks fata55 and the b0ned guy to stop mothra
I should mention the b0ne guy is chujo and the b0nING guy is nelson
nelson is stopped by the people so he pulls a gun
the cops shred him with gunfire
they otta jam a gun up his a55 ad give him a 45 caliber suppository!
I think that was in Rolisica
btw most of the people there are white
and they speak English
but nelson is like Eurasian
mothra attacks the Rolisica city of new kirk city(totally not new York in amerce)
theb0ned guy gets the twins
the Christian Rolisican pray and the b0ned guy sees a cross against the sun at a church
the gang sez the bells are like the twins voices
the b0ned guy wants all the church bells (in the country??) to ring at exactly 3 pm
better synchro ur watches
why not rebuke mothra?
it worked on the loch ness monster
they're both daemons right?
after waiting until 3, all bells ring
what Is this? the hunchback of notre dame?
oh and they painted a symbol on the ground
mothra lands and the twins say bye and leave with him
they wish peace and happiness
the camera chick forgot to take a picture
they return to the island and in this rock is a cross that looks like TK's crest from Digimon
funny about them wishing them peace and love
what about all the innocent people killed by mothras rampage?
1 guy was bad and they slaughter thousands?!
that's f'd!
it could be a message on racism
but come on man!
its like when someone doesn't show some homie respect so he stabs em dead
the end
I liked this
classic effects and no cg
back when movies had heart
too bad it was widescreen
they should've just filmed the whole image instead of cutting off the top and bottom
for mothra 2 i'd like it to be the 90s and a Rolisica movement has grown bitter from all their families slaughtered in mothra's rampage. they gather enough votes and get ito government to get a motion passed to renuke infant island. this time, to totally wipe it out. mothra senses the peoples vengeance and returns to attack them for thinking against it, but this time they have a giant transforming centipede robot that turns into a humanoid and has acid fire blasters and injectors to inject and blast mothra with acid fire to destroy it from inside and out.