Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Close Encounters Of The Third Kind Review

note; this fuilm is like 4 hours long with adds and this riview has typoes
close encounters of the third kind
this is my review on close encounters of the third kind from the 70s
its by steven speilberg and stars reichard dreyfuss from valey of the dolls, james and the giant peach and what about bob?
the army or air force or w/e and nasa didn't wanna help and sent speielburg  20 page letter on why this film is dangerous
now speilburg knows this is real
it starts with credits and then creepy music
is this a horror film?
then the desert and its pretty widescreen
like 1/2 the screen is black bars
the desert is in soviet mexico and theres frenchies there
I assume hes the bad guy
they find planes from the past there and theres no tire trails
the planes were missing since 1945 and look new
and still work
they find a Mexican who sez something about the sun coming out last night and has a sunburn
then theres some guys at an airport and pilots are reporting something
later its this kid in his bedroom and his toys come to live
is this where Akira got it from?
maybe poltergeist
the house has stuff moving on its own and the kid looks at something off screen and smiles
I think e t ripped it off
later the kid is running out at night and his rents see him
this is like pet semetary
later the dad played by richer is trying to teach his kid fractions
and his wife starts b--ching about some cr-p
1 kid don't wanna see Pinocchio as its rated G
this is before Don Bluth
oh and dad's name is Roy
Rick playing Roy?
its Robotech!!
then theres a black out
roy goes out at night in the black out and gets lost
while at a train tracks a light comes from above and his machines f out
theres weird anti gravity things too
then it stops
he sees something flying in the sky
then his machines turn on
he drives on and at this road place these flying colored glowing things go by
man we're 30 mins in with adds
the flyers go by this toll booth and the tool opens up on its own
people and cops drive after the lights and at this ridge they see em in the sky
theres weird cloud lights happening
then he's home and wakes up his woman and hes excited
she sez da gov called and wants to see him
he wakes his kids up and takes em on a car ride to the ridge
also hes sunburned
he trys to explain it but s-cked at it
his woman wants to make out and maybe b0ne but hes not into it
they turned him!!
then its the desert in Mongolia and cars/choppers go by these Mongolians
they find a boat there
I think this is where the fist of the north star movie got it
later his woman removes newspaper storys of the u f o from the paper
also the kids are screwing around and mom gets p-ssed
and she don't want word to get out about the space demons
and trys to make kids not believe in em
and dad roy is playing with his shaving cream
roy wants to go out again but wife don't want him to
then work calls and tells wife roy got canned
looks like hes on the welfare now
I blame the prez at the time
later its some 3rd world country I don't recognize and people in robes are cheering and singing
I think this is a cult
they worship the space daemons
then the frenchie plays the chanting or w/e they recorded and iyts like a song or code
then roy goes to the ridge and meets a blonde who got sun burned too
he sees someone making a mound out of diet and sez he's seen this shape b4
also theres many people there
they see these lights in da skye but its windy and angry
turns out its just a chopper
later nerds try to figure out the tune the cult played
1 guy figures out the tune is longitude coordinates (its da Frenchie)
at home, roys kid or blondes kid or w/e is playing the tune on his xylophone and the space daemons come
she locks the doors buit the kid opens 1 and its all red and h-llish out there
are they taking him to h-ll?
I heard on some shows tat aliens are actually from another dimension on the plank scale and are daemons
maybe shew should pray?
rebuke em
I hear alien survivors saying they fear the name of Jesus
she keeps keeping the aliens away but they unscrew the heat vent grate and she covers it with a rug
yeah that'll stop em
if only the Contra guys were here
spread gun!!
the house starts f ing out and the kid goes out the doggie door and they get him
they're probably gonna probe him
she goes to the cops and media like they can do anything and is in shock
the news talks about the supernatural with time travel and immortality and stuff
like dbz??
oh I think its the air force at a conference
1 guy sez he saw bigfoot
some say it is part alien/daemon/fallen angel
later at dinner roy is laying with his mashed potatoes and making this shape seen in the movie a lot
hes kinda f'd up by it and later starts making t outta clay on this table at night
is this a thing on drug addiction and/or mental illness?
did the space demons break his brain?
he's going mental and cant make it look right
later he's locked in the bathroom and running da shower with a red light and his wife unlocks the door
hes in the shower fully dressed and his fam starts freakin out
I feel like i'm watching a bad episode of intervention
wife cant take that hes wrecking the fam and freaks out
those space demons destroyed his fam
and ruined their lives
later roy is watching loony tunes and is throwing out his alien newspaper cr-p
but then notices something in the thing he's making and rips plants outta the garden and throws them and dirt in the window
then some bricks
his kids help but iife don't like it
then he dumps the trash and throws the can through the kitchen window
then steals his neighbors chicken wire fence
mom takes the ids to her sisters and drives away
I think that's the last we see of em
they aint important characters
btw roy don't care and goes back to his insanity and crawls in the kitchen window
I khew Spielberg hated his dad for ditching the fam and having him crcomsized
just pretty much every movie he does had dad issues
this guy is almost as bad as goku from dbz
he makes a big tower thing and the news sez there was a chemical spill by this place
he talk to his wife on the phone and she's had enough of his cr-p
the place by the nerve gas spill has a rock thing hat looks like the thing the roy was building
so he and a buncha other guys go to the rock and theres a guy selling gas masks
he meets blonde there like its meant to be a love story even though hes married with children
they drive though a fence and across wild fields and onto a closed road
she sez the cops looked all over for her son they probably think she ate
then they see the rock thing
they drive on and are caught by guys in gas suits
roy; the only bad air is you guys f-rting around out here!
Frenchie and a guy who speaks only French talk and Frenchie sez hes only alive as the wind went the other way
roy sez theres no toxic gas
they ax him qwestinz and he sez most of what they say is troo
frenchies take the people who came to this decontamination camp and their boss busts their a55es
later the air forces are gonna gas the area with sleep drugs like they did to the animals to fake a gas leak
and the u f o people are trying to get up the rock thing
the soldiers look for em but call it off and hours later gas the area
1 guy blacks out form the gas
roy starts blacking out but blonde encourages him
they get in and find the gov has set up a base with lights to meet the space monsters
in the skys the lights move like the orion logo
then the space things fly in
the gov guys try music to communicate and different lights
the thing goes away or something but a smaller one comes back
roy wants to go with em but blonde don't
the small ships go and the biggest one comes down
its like something outta Robotech or outlanders (80s anime/manga)
it lowers itself without touching the rock thing somehow and they play music with it
btw aliens and humans with music is used in Robotech with minmei's songs and the masters season
it opens up and theres this white light like in power rangers season 2 with the white power ranger
these people come out and its the air force guys missing since 45
also the kid who they stole and probably probed is there and reunites with his mom
btw theres no little blonde girl in this film
but the kid is blonde so its close enough
the ship opens and this long limbed space monster comes out
then little monsters
1 nerd asks roy if hes vaccinated or has liver disease
imagine an alien movie where they take an aids carrier and think all humans have it
then when they find more humans they notice theres no aids so they inject em
also blonde takes photos
a buncha people go in to join the space monsters and a priest gives em last rites to protect em from their evil powers
roy goes with the space monsters as he wasn't blessed and vanishes in the white light like in poltergeist
the long limbed one does a Nazi salute then turns it into a wave bye
the space thing goes up into space and credits role
the end
that was pretty good
good build up and not violent or disturbing
it seems to have inspired a lot of stuff
even being referenced in Animaniacs with steven flying it
but the dad character was kinda horrible
the space monsters ruined him and his fam
its like drugs
and the movie don't care about his fam
its like that johnny depp movie blow where this drug dealer is show as the hero and his victims aint mentioned
its well made but the lessons are kinda awful
but if birth of a nation gets love for the same thing, this can too.
for close encounters of the third kind 2 I want it to be in the 90s and the aliens have come to earth and are living with humans. but the kids of roy haven't forgiven em for ruining their family and are leading an uprising to drive them out they have holy weapons blessed by the church and wear holy armor to protect themselves from the aliens brain damage attacks. also it turns out the aliens are trying to send the whole planet to h-ll by building dimension gates in key locations. and the humans against em gotta take em out. also its a hack and slash game on sega genesis super Nintendo and Atari jaguar and you play as up to 4 people who chop through aliens and alien controlled people.

Monday, January 28, 2019

Victoria The Great Review

note; f England and my cr--ppy a55 remote
Victoria the greart
this is my review on Victoria the great from 1937
I wanted to watch it from the start but my remote f--ked out on me and it took almost 10 mins to change the channel
so I missed the 1st buncha mins
around 6 mins in I got on and I cant find this a55 movie online as youtube is gay so I missed the start
according to Wikipedia kind William 04 went to h-ll and his niece Victoria was made queen of soviet England
so this film was made as according to demented brit law in the 30s, you cant show the royal fam as a play as they are superior to the pee-ons who worship them
so they made a movie based on the play they couldn't show
1st this, then la blue girl, then the human centipede
is there anything soviet England wont ban??
make me glad to be American
we get freedom of speech and all men are created equal
so queen vic is the regent of those ape like Englishmen and her mom is german
the right honorable Kaiser Wilhelm II was part brit part human too
but he hated his Englishness
like Trudeau in soviet Canada
not gonna lie; the french kinda s-ck too
so they have a ritual to make vic their queen
wtf they call her queen of this realm
do the brits plan to conquer this dimension too?
this isn't mortal kombat and she's no shao khan!!
then also refer to her as their divine majesty
shes a queen. not a god
or is this like north korea where they see their ruler as one??
after she's crowned a bunch of probably neutered boys sing high notes
those brits probably made their parts into one of their cr-ppy foods
later she goes to the galloping gala and has her fave horse leopold
was she the queen who got b0ned by her horse?
or was that Catherine the great??
but her advisors don't want her to use her horse homie
she does it anyway
later her advisors want her to breed to continue her evil bloodline
prnce albert (which is also the name of a b0ner piercing) don't wanna marry her after reading of bugs that eat their mates
are the brits bug people??
it would explain their devotion to their queen
he postpones and vic is disgruntled
on this boat in the rain these guys sing in german
surprised they are allowed
oh I think 1 is albert
they go to the queen area to meet her but r late
she goes out after getting impatient and they don't have anything to wear over their jammies
oh 1 is prince ernest
they come out in suits and meet her
1 sez he found a beetle with 4 legs and has pix
she sends the rest away and sez she's not gonna eat him
also she calls him cousin
are they inbreeders?
gotta keep that blood blue
then its 39 and theres a dinner party
at it she asks ernest if he could ditch his bro albert
she was an olny child
maybe she wants to ritual sacrifice his bro to make him feel like her
vic dances with al and they are thrilled like they just b0ned
he tells her geezer homie she made her choice
later she shows albert a new invention; photographs
what year is this??
they have pictures from years ago so i'm not sure when cameras were inventd
she sez wants him to marry her
they get wedded
its actually kinda nice
later they take a new invention; the steme engine
man it looks like a toy train
its like streetcar sized
like that electric train thing they have in san fran sicko
so they go to gemany I think and sit under a tree and sing in germanese
also she don't wanna talk politics
a ruler of a country don't like politics
later al and vics advisers are telling em how the people might talk or w/e
later al tells vic about all the red tape to do stuff in his country and she thinks hes smart for it
later they are sitting on a couch and their slaves or w/e are around em
oh and 1 guy plays piano
1 guy sez smoking is banned in the palace
the smokers gotta smoke in secret by a chimney
even in the 40s or w/e, there was a resistance against the regent
later I think she catches al smoking and gets p-ssed
he locks himself in a room from her
later he writes something and she signs it without reading it
clockwork orange guard; DONT READ IT!! SIGN IT!!
later the brits are malcontent over the queen oppressing them
time never change
1 guy sez their kids bit it in the factories but his accent made me think he said in the secks pit
1 guy opens fire in al but it gets his hat
maybe this is where the brits got the idea to have archduke Ferdinand whacked to take down germany by starting ww1
later she poops out a prince who is the 1st something in 100 years
is this like in Abashiri family where only makes were born to the clan for generations??
then theres a riot and the people try to take down the regent
also the people want the regent to repeal the corn laws
I assume they criminalized putting corncobs in their butts
Disraeli gives a speech in the parlement and don't like al
after al gets back from parlement he says his side won but he hates parlement
good thing the regent governs without consent of the pople
that's not good
then theres text saying lord Palmerstone (pit the elder!!) is doing something
india had a riot and I think there was a war
later theres issues with the southerners or something but I don't know what that means
then peop;le dance to bag pipes and it looks like a silent film with the camera work
then al gets a note from America
they go back and chat with Palmerstone and theres stuff of people hating al for being a german
that's racist
al is the most hated man in England and Palmerston is the most loved
so queen micheal vick threatens to ditch the job if they don't follow her orders
maybe they can have an equal rule where the people choose their leaders?
rose palmer stone says America might invade Canada (GOOD!! FIX THAT CESSPOOLE!!) and it might be the end of ameirca
I think this is the civil war
ok I checked wikepiedea and it sez Palmerstoner wants to side with the confederates
ironic as America started as a rebellion against England
now England is helping a rebellion
later albert is mental and keeps calling for ernest (p worrel?!?!!)
then he bites it
man this film is got like 20 mins left
that went by quick
she gives up on things and stays in the castle for years
its like miss Havisham from great expectations
then people give speeches about how they hate her or w/e
im surprised they are allowed to not like her
you'd think the people would be executed for that
or the loyal brits would cut them open and eat their guts while b0ning em for the crime of disagreement
later the prime minister Gladstone (the Disney duck!?) comes in and sez she should show herself to the public
but she don't consent
so he goes mental at her and starts b0ning her while taking bites outta her and foaming at the mouth and screaming like a maniac
he just sez her hiding wouldn't have been albert's wish
then text sez its the distant future year of 1877 and she regains her chutzpa and ruled the "greatest" period in England
a guy talks about how in her rule they got machines
yeah that was totally cuz of her
and kids/ chicks don't work in the mines or factories
but men gotta?
that's racist!
1 guy calls her queen and empress
that's like saying president and vice president
also she sez theres no racism anymore
yet today brits beat up poles
fine job you did getting rid of racism a55 hole!
she goes on about freedom and tolerance
odd that Canada and its universities fear those things
and since when was England ever free?!
they ban movies from everyone in the country for a scene that triggers 1 crusty old brit at the bbfc
they banned dog the bounty hunter from entering cuz a lifetime ago he was a getaway driver to a guy who iced someone
h-ll their other subsidiaries are just as bad
new Zealand banned power rangers
buncha candy a55 dinks!
then its 1897 and shes been on the throne for 60 years
I recommend serious term limits!
all thses dinks cheer for their master and owner
she asks her God to bless her people
which God?
isn't she the DIVINE queer??
remember when henry 08 put himself above God and made his own church?
in a man for all seasons he had that guy executed for not agreeing with his lie of being better than God
they play the song God save the queen which makes me wonder what they are asking her to be saved from
probably the souls of those she wrongfully oppressed and took out
then again, the current queen had daiana and chales other chicks iced
then end
I gotta say
I liked it
I like historical films and 30s films and fulscreen and b/w films
yeah I b--ched about England the whole film but this was well made
its like they say; love the sinner, hate the sin
so we can hate England and love their movie by reverse logic
the film had heart and feels and good emotion and love
I don't know much about that queen but I learned a few things like shes german and so is her bf
its like 2 hours long with out adds and an extras half hour with em but didn't feel it
im glad I finally got to watch this as I missed it b4 and almost missed it again
for Victoria the great 2 I want it to be about her ghost being summoned in a ritual by the brits to try to help them win ww1 but she is disgruntled by being pulled outta h-ll and their german hate and wants to cost em the war so she goes around possessing brits and making em get iced by walking into spikes or jumping into acid. mainly high rank brits needed to win the war. its also an 8 bit Gameboy, nes, sega master system and game gear and Atari lynx and turbografx 16 game where you play as the queens ghost and gotta make all the main brits in the area get iced to move to the next. its like a puzzle platformer game.

Monday, January 21, 2019

Blades Of Glory Review

note; this is a comedy so my bad spelling is funny
blades of glory
this is my review on blades of glory
its directed by the guy who did Office Christmas Party
and stars will feral and jon heder from napoleon dynamite
its produced by ben stiller who did Zoolander and the cable guy
so after like a hole minute of logos and opening credits we see this id skating well as other kids play hockey
holy cr-p craig t nelson is in this
so the kid is adopted and grows up to be napoleon dynamite
but a graceful figger sk8r
and doing goofy moves
then releases a dove that was in his suit
we get a look at his backstory of his new dad raising him to be the ultimate sk8
sounds like something from Beyblade
also his dad raised him germophobe
that's germist
also hes got crazy fans who mail him blood
then comes will ferrel who's a lusty def leppard sleezy 80s guy sk8r
and all these 5kanks love him
hen we hear his back story
hes the bad boy of sk8ing and did p0rn0
also hes a lone wolf
no coach or team
they get tied scores and share gold
then we hear of these swiss twins who sk8 as a pair
sounds like those inbreeders from voltage fighter Gowcaizer
on he podium jon and will fight and it causes the mascot to catch fire and ruins the event
at their hearing will flirts with a chick and sez he got a b0ner s hes a secks addict
jon gives a nice talk and will is crass
mr feeny from boy meets world has em kicked outta figger sk8ing and takes their medals
then on the car ride jons dad ditches him at the side of the road
3.5 years later and will is working at a cr-ppy kids ice show
later he's with some 5kanks and this chick who likes him has enough and ditches him
also he isn't fired for getting drunk as he's good at his job
later jon is working at a sports store and a mental fan tells him that he's only kicked outta mens singles and can do pairs sk8ing
later will is drunk on the show and pukes in his suit and ruins the show
jon tries to get his coach craig t nelson to take him back but he sez theres not enough time to get and train a new partner
jon tries getting female sk8s rom te ice show but finds will and they fight
on da news craig sees em on the news fighting and they fight like sk8rs dance
he sees em in jail and wants em to figger sk8 togethewr as theres no rule against 2 men sk8ing together
holy cr-p we're like 30 mins in
that felt like nothing
at the sign up jon sees the twins sister who isn't a sk8
also they steal all the attention from the twins
the twins hate it and wanna cheat at the thing to win
also they force 3rd twin to work for em by guilt over getting their rents iced in a car wreck they were driving her to sk8oing lessons in
jon and will have to live together and train together
also will uses horse shampoo and uses a special italiano whale bone brush which he loves
later they bicker and train over who has to be the girl in the routine
sounds like a prison movie
also jon is the girl
then they get a black guy to teach em to dance in a montage
and twins are watching them on a hidden camera I think
then a news thing about guys reacting to a 2 man sk8 teem
1 guy; thaT blonde chick's a dude?! oh mAN!
after the twins do a thing of marky mark an the funky bunch's good vibrations in jean jackets and ghetto bling, the main guys do their routine to the don't wanna miss a thing song from Armageddon
after screw ups they synchro and work together
also lots of crotch stuff
it at times looks like they're b0ning
they do well and afterward jon has a nice moment with the twins sister
also craig t wants to use a forbidden untested dangerous move to win
so its kaioh ken from dbz?
later will is walking around in a towel and tells jon about his tattoos
jon reveals hes gay for twins sister and will calls her and makes him talk to her
twins and will tell em what to say and its like a bad p0rn0
they agree to date
later craig t tells how his super ultra move got him kicked out or quirt or w/e skating and e took it to north korea where this guy got his head took off
then wants em to try it as it needs 2 men to do it and a man/woman combo isn't enough
they try it and will is nearly neutered
but they are less hostile and more forgiving
later twins sister dates jon and is dressed like a h00ker/anime chick
also jon is dressed like will
sister hates ice and sk8ing and admits she was used to spy on em
also they tell eachother their cr-ppy pasts and they bond over it
then smooch with both consenting
next day they train and will keeps slicing off the jon puppet head
later at a conference will and jo say good about eachother
also jon speaks Japanese to a reporter as the real actor learned it
kono gaijin wa nippon jin?!
sona bakana!!
later twins sister wants to quit being her twins slave but they say they got a plan b to get the main guys
later at his secks addict meeting twins sister comes by and badly sez shes an addict
after the meeting she invites him over and he trys not to b0ne her as she rys to seduce him
but they don't wanna b0ne
then jon comes in and sees wil with his hands on her b00bs and runs out
he sends jon a buncha voice mails for hours
also sister twins feels bad about it and goes to explain it to jon and is over the twins guilt
so will goes to the event but man twin knocks him out and chains him up in a back room
also girl twin handcuffs jon to the toilet
oh and she reveals sister didn't b0ne will
will cuts himself free on sk8s on a wall and gets out and skates away as man twin chases him
jon trys asking a bathroom kid for help but he gets triggered and runs, knocking over a trash can with the key in it
toilet paper with hair and cr-p on it rolls by him and the key is on the other end
so he has to eat it to get the key
will gets in the building on skates as the chase continues slowly
ma twin gets a crossbow but will jumps a bridge and goes under the ice as his whale bone comb brush floats up
and jon gets free
twins do a j fk/ marilin Monroe routine as will breaks outta the ice with a hand sk8
does this mean the sister will take out the twin girl?
cuz with j fk and his bro...
then will comes in and they skate with a sci fi thing to the queen song of flash Gordon
also will changes things up and lets jon lead
girl twin throws a bead from her necklace and it hits wills skate and shatters his ankle
so jon and him do the kaioh ken move with jon as the man
he slices off will ferrals head and it splatters on the ice like a pumpkin
they pull it off and win
will gets medical attention and jon gets the twins sister and they make out
also the twuns get arrested for all their cr-p and they also make out after slapping eachother
sounds like they are into SM
also Gowcaizer did it 1st
they get medals and will shows jon his new tattoo of jon on his arm
they fly up on rocket skates and pop in the sky as a constellation
the end
in the credits the crazy fan plays with dolls of the skaters and himself
the real end
that was fun
good comedy with good humor
the acting was good the jokes were fun and its a nice simple story that has good speed
it never feels draggy
its just a fun simple light movie with good parts
if ur a teen you'll love this
for blades of glory 2 I want will ferrel to have lost his foot from the damage it took in the finals and has become a junkie. jon heder has his fam with the twins sister having had a lot of kids and will feels betrayed. so he gets a cyber foot made with a spring loaded blade in it and hunts down jon heder. jon has to get his fam (which are spread in several rooms in this huge building) to safe places and fight obsessed fans to keep em safe while trying to avoid will who wanders around. its also an 8 bit Gameboy gamegear and Atari lynx game where you play as jonj heder and its like Metroid.

Saturday, January 19, 2019

Cave Of Forgotten Dreams Review

note; are my reviews getting better or worse? the spellis is the same kinda
Cave of Forgotten Dreams
this is my review on Cave of Forgotten Dreams
its directed by werner Herzog and is from the distant future year of 2010
I never saw this b4 but saw it was on, looked it up, and chose to do it
the title sounds like an art film or some European book or w/e
so after a long thing of opening credits including history channel films we get da title and opening credits
narreator sez in xmas 94 these guys in soviet france found these caves, went in and found smething mondo cool
cave paintings the scientists claim to be 32 000 years
even though creation science has disproven the earth being older than 6000
might as well be a scien tologist and say its 3 trillion years
they named the cave after a guy who found it
and barred all non scientists from entering it
only the elites can see it
tf they put guards on it?
its freekin graffiti!
I can see in the sci fi cyber city future when swear words and dbz art painted on walls is preserved as historical
also a rock slide sealed the ave long ago and kept it safe from noahs flood or w/e
and now they got a climate guard or door or w/e installed
so da film makers go in as I guess they let the gov guys b0ne em to get big gov permission to enter some hole in the earths a55 that commoners are blocked from
the film crew only has a max of 4 guys and they gotta do more work each
and have limited time allowed in there
and can only walk on a special metal thing
and can only use special battery packs
to quote stallone in demolition man; why not just shove a leash up my a55?!
so they look at various ancient cr-p in the cave like animal bones
and say the paintings were made in pure dark long ago
1 guy sez the paintings look somewhat new but the cr-p on the walls coating it proves its not
and that theres a hole in da cave that rain water comes from near where they were painted
1 bison art has 8 legs
is it like slepnir, odin's magic horse/grandson?
they we get a trippy 3d laser scanned thing of da cave
its like the matrix
then this Frenchie with a ponytail talks about making the 3d map
he looks like a university student
lol he sez he was in da circus as a juggler
and he couldn't handle the art in a cave more than 5 days as it was too much for him
just wait til he sees Urotsukidoji
those tentacle monsters will give him dreams those fingerpaints in the cave never could
the we get a look at the stalagmites (or stalactites) with light moving over em
its pretty trippy
I hear this was in 3d
not on my 90s tv
man, we're 20 mins in and not much happened
its just showing paintings on da wall for a while now
at least theres no naked chicks
imagine if in the sailor moon crystal tokyo future they find deviantart or 4chan and gush over the art of our time
1 moustache guy sez theres an arch by the cave that might've impressed the cave guys
and goes on wondering about their time and lives
then about how they used fire in caves to use shadows and it shows that 30s or w/e guy dancing with 3 shadows of him on the wall
also humaans never lived in the cave, but went there to hang out
so its a mall??
later something about the team trying to get all this little data from the cave paintingz
of they're trying to figure out what order the paintings happened in or how they were made or w/e
so 1 guy drew some of it but later other guys drew on that
carbon dating sez it was 5 000 years apart
yet carbon dating isn't as accurate as it sounds
esp as it don't know how much carbon the stuff had at 1st
only how much there is now
1 guy who did cave cr-p has an f'd finger
they follow his pantings deeper in da cave and find a torch that carbon dating sez was lit 28 000 years ago
then the people try to come up with stories based on the images and guess what the artist meant
this could be based on a dream or made up thing for all we know
then they go to the chamber of lions with a lot of CO2 gas
so is it the gas chamber of lions??
I there is a naked chick painted on a rock
but they cant walk around to see the other half of the naked chick as the ground is protected by the gov from walking on it to protect it
why not just use a selfie stick??
or mirrors?
guess they don't really wanna see the nude woman art
but this is Europe and theres naked people everywhere
just go to the beach or a museum for the paintings and statues of naked men
then they go to a museum and find a statue of a guy with a lion head
I think that's furry dude
at least its not sonic the hedgehog being b0ned by tails
then narrator talks about how things were different 40 000 yeas ago with ice and water and cr-p
then statues of naked chicks from cave man times
this is what joe and mac j-rked off to when not fighting mammoths on that sega game
1 guy goes on about hoe them drawing furry art means they are religious somehow based on spirits or some cr-p
also he goes on about some fat naked chick statue and its meaning
I think they were just lusty dude
some things don't change
at least they didn't gibe the girls huge weeners like tumblr used to do and 4chan still does
then they go on about a mammoth ivory flute the cave guys did
imagine if in the planet of the apes future they find a bunch of beast wars action figures and see em as treasured artifacts of importance
also 1 vulture bone flute they found is just like our flutes today
sounds like time travel as involved
then he plays the star spangled banner on a cave man flute
do the Zelda theme!
also; u put ur mouth on that cave flute?!
what if you got cave aids?!
1 guy uses his nose and trys to smell the cave from above ground
what are you? wolverine?!
oh and he was a prez of the French society of perfumers for years
and I thought I was weird for having all my off color degrassi ideas
you know, for a show about cavemen, theres no cave man babes
like those animal skin bikini chicks in all jungle and cave man shows and games
man, were an hour in and it felt like ,nothing\
after looking around the cave for a while they say it feels like they are watched
isn't this how TROG started??
then mustachio talks about how cavemen hunted
later they shut down da cave cuz tourists breath made mold grow on da walls
so what?
jus pump poison in it
spray it with aids
use mustard gas
stink it out!
they look at da cave and use a camera on a stick and it has the bison b0ning a naked chick from that thing they couldn't see b4
just like tumblr
or 4chan
or deviant art
btw that might make this doc banned in some countries due to anti interspecies laws
then this guy goes on about it
they show a bear skull on a rock and act like its a religious thing for some reason
maybe its just to look cool
ever thin of dat??\
these are the kinda guys who try to find deep philosophy in p0rn0 anime
after showing cave paintings we get Frenchie with pony tail going on about other cave pantings around da world (zaa warudo!!)
in Australia they had a native guy show a white guy pantings and touches em up as they rot
he sez hes not painting but the hands of the spirit are
sounds like a horror movie
then it shows painting for a few mins
after that mustachio talks about what makes something have humanness
he sez one thing is transmitting info w/o language
so silent films and anime??
then a postscript about a nucular plant being near there and greenhouses too
the greenhouses have gators
some are albino
he fears albino gators might reach da cave and wonders what they'll think of the paintings
how about nothing cuz they're f--king animals!!!
he compares us looking at cave panting to crocs looking at cr--p
the end
that was a pretty good movie
good music and camera and story
it was a doc on a hole in da ground with graffiti on it
I had fun coming up with crazy ways to poke fun at this story and its goods to see a history thing that's not a cr-ppy film loosely inspired by some thing he movie has nothing to do with
these egg heads who go on about the cave pantings are kinda full of cr-p
trying to have deep meaning to doodles on a wall
but its fun to poke fun at em
I enjoyed this one even though it promotes evolution
it has a good pace and doesn't drag or feel boring
For Cave Of Forgotten Dreams 2 I want it to be years later and some teens break into the cave to do drugs and b0ne. But the b0ning and drugs triggers the spirits of the cavemen to be revived as they were really daemons who made that cave art to lure people away from creation science. Also the cave man daemon is killing the kids 1 by 1 and eating their bodies to regain his full power and flesh to fully revive in this world time. its also a 16 bit sega genesis super Nintendo Gameboy advance and Atari jaguar game where you play as the cave man daemon and hunt down the teens while avoiding being seen by humans who know not of you and if they see you, you gotta use ectoplasm to mindwipe em and its also your life bar.

Monday, January 14, 2019

The Rainmaker Review

note; I never saw this b4 and have little info on it. so theres typoes
the rainmaker
this is my review on the rain maker from 1956 and not the john grissom one
ooh its full screen
it starts with a guy talking about a tornado
oh its a traveling salesman like in the music man
lol his story has a dog named bowser
he;s trying to sell em tornado rods to protect em from tornadoes
but the town never had tornadoes
he gives 1 free to a little girl and sez his name is starbuck like the battlestar galactica guy who they made a chick in the reboot
the sheriff goes after him but he sneaks out through a hidden trap door and skips toewn as the little girl chases after him
if this were made in a few years they'd be an inter generational couple
then credits and its burt Lancaster and Kathrine Hepburn and Lloyd bridges
after opening credits starbuk gets to this similar looking town and theres a car there
I thought this was the 1800s
the town has a drought as I think this is after the nucular holocost and the seas dried up
wait that's fist of the north star
then this blonde hits on this tall teen
oh f her name is snookie
like that 5kank on jersey shore
he triggers her about her red hat and they bicker but she seducexs him with her car and they drive off
she likes tall guys
probably cuz they got bigger hot dogs
assuming everything proportionate
guys go after him and later 1 guy brings tall guy back for making out with her
they don't want him b0ning her
oh its his dad
and they say she's a bleach blonde
then lizzie comes over played by Hepburn
oh she was their relative or w/e and was out on a trip
they talk and catch up and I think they want her to marr the fam she went to live with dat week
1 asked but she didn't consent as he's 9
man this is a pedo movie
and the kids are making the 1st moves
se didn't like being sent over to getta husband
man up b--ch!
also she got triggered when someone asked her weight
yet she still answered
better than most chicks now
dad sez shes afraid of looking good
sounds like a feminist
later the drought is wacking steers and starbick offers to help
later hepbern had a dream of rain and dad wants to set her up with some guy she don't wanna be with
she ants to marry someone who really cares for her
for ponce I like her thinking
later some geezer tries to give this guy a dog but the guy don't want it
the snookie comes onto another tall guy
maybe its the same one
oh and dog hater is sharrif
later the lizzie Hepburn fam chats with sheriff and tries to set em up
then sherrif gets word tornado guy is coming up
tall guy (named jimmy like in double dragon) gets p-ssed at sheriff for not coming to dinner rto meet hepnpin and fights but gets slugged out
dad or uncle or w/e sez shrrifs wife is still alive but ditched him for some other guy
later snookie calls jimmy on the 1800s telephone and invites him to a date
but dad makes him not go
Hepburn comes down but gets p-ssed when finding out they fought sherrif and hes not coming
jimmy goes on about how girlier girls get guys and Hepburn goes mental
then astarbuck comes in and sez he can make rain
the guy who plays him does well
got that game show host/huckster/infomercial guy
she knows he's full of cr-p
but dad wants to give him a chance
he does and they have dinner
dad pays 100 $$ and thinks its a waste
he sez he can bring any kinda ran and if they doubt him it makes it harder to make rain
sounds like mystery men with the invisible guy
he gets the guys to do jacka55 things
she confronts him but he reads her and points out her issues
then gives her h-ll over doubting him
he sez she dont believe anything
and don't believe shes a woman
she gets f'd over it and has an autism attack
then starbuck chats with jimmy about him looking jacka55ish beating the drum cuz starbuck told him to
jimmy has no issue with it
elsewhere guys think the drum is thunder but not exactly
later jimmy is p-ssed that talking to his uncle makes him feel like a dumba55
also he wants to call snookie
starbuck sez to do so and uncle does somethin I wasn't looking at that offended jimmy so he runs upstairs
then Hepburn goes on like she's gonna be a bimbo
but sherrif sees and comes in
dad goes off and hempburn chats with sherrif
he admits hes divorced which was a big deal in whenever this takes place
they grow closer
after a buncha chatter she gets nervous and girly and he don't like it and leaves
starbuck sticks up for the jimmy who was called a dumba55 and hempburen who was called not hot
uncle sez hepbuns gonna be an old maid and dad tries to comfort her but she's accepted it
she goes mental and runs to the barn or outhouse or w/e and findfs starbuck
she thanks him for being nice and sez his  name sounds made up
he sez it is but he was called smith b4
theres back and forth on choosing ur own name and living as yourself instead of how ur told
sounds like gender stuff today
he offers her a name melisande after the wife of king hamlet who got her the golden fleece
he recognizes this is made of several true storys made into one
she gets bummed out but he gives her a confoidence boost
he gets her to see herself as pretty
later jimmy comes back with a cigar and is happy and has snookies hat
I think b0ned her
but its a 50s movie and he sez he kissed her
he saved his virginity all on his own
also he gave her an elk tooth and got her hat cuz they engaged
later a guy comes saying to look out for tornado Johnson(which sounds like a p0rn0 name)
he sold anti tornado poles to a place that had every kinda wind storm except tornadoes
after sherrif goes uncle sez he didn't wanna out starbuck but wants to take him down now for some reason
dad tells him not to f up hrempburns good time or he'd whip his a55
hempbuin chats with starbuck about dreams and life and such and he admits hes a con man
she don't mind and sez she believes in him
he decides to stay longer
dad and uncle say the sheriff is here for starbuck and they try sticking up for him and protecting him
huh, this was based on a lay and set in the 30s according to wikipedea
starbuck comes out and gets arrested but hempinin stands up for him and the fam want sheriff to let him go
sheriff lets him go and he invites hempinin
uncle sez to not go and she eventually she chooses to be lizzie not melisande and not go with him
he gives back their 100 bones and books it
then it rains, starbucvk comes backhappy he made it rain and gets paid 100$
they cheer
the end
that was long but didn't feel draggy
it had powerful themes and ideas that hold true today
great acting and music
and a good story
I liked it
I recall seeing a thing on t on I think wned pbs about plays or w/e and I think it mentioned this
great movie
great ideas
I liked it
for the rainmaker 2 I want starbuck and lizzue to be going from town to town in 1930s America as he discovers his powers to make wishes come true like violence jack. also the law is after him and he's gotta fight em off with his growing powers. Its also an action game on sega genesis and super Nintendo where you play as starbuck and fight your way across wasteland levels in a horse cart and fighting/platform/beat em up/run n gun levels in towns.

Sunday, January 13, 2019

Toy Story Review

Note: i spell like cgi nowadays looks. like a55!!
Toy Story
This is my review on Toy Story 1 from 1995
It was the 1st CGI movie and it held up well
Its G rated and cool and had a good Genesis game that i beat
Its got good songs and music too
Its by Pixar and Disney back when they did good stuff
it starts with a kid playing a cowboy phantasy with his toys
why does he have a little bo peep toy??
then he plays cowboy with woody and his many toys
all to the loving song "you gotta friend in me"
its really beautiful
nowadays a cowboy is seen as offensive to Indians who are of mostly white ancestry
then its andy's birthday and hes getting a buncha new toys
and when andy's away the toys are alive
it never explains why
also don rickles is mr potato head
jim varney is slinkey dog
woofy tells an etch a sketch to "draw" and they turn and etch makles a revolver
nowadays some malcontent would get triggered by that
in soviet Canada this kid drew a picture of her daddy shooting a bad guy and the cops were called and the dad's home searched w/o a warrant
andy I mean woody ells da toys andy's b day is today and they wanna have it b4 he moves
r lee ermy is the toy soldier sergent and he and his men go on a mission to put a baby minoter there and report what they see
toy soldiers are triggering to foreigners nowadays
also a jump rope goes from the top floor to the ground with room to wrap around the moniter
most of andy's gifts s-ck like a lunch box and bedsheets but he gets battleship and theres 1 gift left that came out of the closet
the kids run upstairs and the toys scramble to hide
they run in, chatter, put da toy down, and run down for cake and ice cream
man this was well animated
alao they ditch this awesome toy for cake?
better be made outta pure icing to get em away from this mondo cool toy homie
blicketee black!!
so the toy is buzz lightyear as I think a reference to that joke in I think eek the cat or w/e where all astronaughts are named buzz
buzz dot know he's a toy and thinks hes a real space ranger
also its p-ssing woody off
woddy sez buzz cant fly so he jumps, bounces off a ball, rides a hit wheels through a loop, catches a plane on the ceiling and lands
woody sez its falling with style
that's zero g in orbit
also he calls him light beer
cant do that nowadays
also over the next while buzz becomes the number 01 toy
all to a catchy song
also andy wrote his name on buzzs foot like andy did to woodfy
woody tells off buzz and shoves him, hitting his helmet release
buzz nearly bites it but its ok
he sez his eyes could've been sucked out
pretty graphic for a g rating
also next door is sid, a degenerate who f's up toys for fun
buzz anted to save combat carl but sid straps a firecracker to it an blows it
pretty hardcore for a g rated movie\
they establish these things have feelings and show one executed
at least he's not b0ning em
also toy story 3 is based on the holocost
that's not a joke
look it up
man we're like half an hour in with adds
that felt like nothing
later mom takes andy to pizza planet and gets to bring a 1 toy
woody trys to knock woody behind the desk but accidentaly knocks him out da window
the toys think he did it on purpose and are gonna string him up
but andy comes up and cant find buzz so andy takes woody
andy stops at the gas station but buzz snuck on the car and fights woody
they fight under da car and andy and mom drive away
woody whines about it being buzzs fault but buzz sez he has to stop zurg rom making an weapon that can destroy a planet
and only he has the info to stop it
I think star wars is gonna sue
they ride in a pizza planet truck and woofy gets busted up in a back
at pizza planet they hide in food contaners and sneak around
so its a sci fi chucky cheeze
woody nearly gets em into ansy's thing but buzz jumps into a space ship looking alien crane game
then sid is there and catches an alien and seez buzz
despite knowing hes not a toy buzz freezes up when humans r around
this is never explained
sid gets em and takes em home and gives the alien to his dog
then takes his sisters doll and f's ith it to swap its head for a Pteranodon head
also therres mutant toys made by sids experiments
is this a thing on ww2 stuff done to p o w's?
they swarm the toys sid just f'd and buzz thinks theyre cannibals
pretty bad a55 for  tv g
the next day sid tortures woody by magnifying glass burning his head
then uses buzz's karate chop action to scare away the mutant toys
he gets to the ground floor but the dog is there
they try to escape but woody's pull string gets caught and he don't feel it and his voice goes off
they escape the dog but bus light year sees a commercial for his tory
its in ur face and extreme all 90s
this shatters his world and he trys to fly to epic music
but falls and loses an arm
pretty powerful
I mean its kinda what he needed as he was living a lie
but its still rough
but sometimes we need to be slapped awake
like if you got anorexia or other similar issues
the sid sister gets buzz
she has a tea party and when woody gets him he acts drunk
woody gets the idea to use the window to get home
woody throws a xmas lights thing across the house gap somehow
but they don't trust him after taking out buzz
he uses buzz's arm to fake buzz being there and its pretty funny
but then they see his arm and drop the lights
then the cannibal toys get buzz light year
but fix his arm removal
then sid comes in with a probably illegal firework he ordered
he want to blow woody but gets buzz
then it starts raining and he cant do it today
later woody is stuck under a bin under a tool box and buzz is too bummed to help
he gives a good speech and it moves buzz to eventually move da tool box off woody
wtf the moving truck for andy is called eggman
woody gets out but buzz pushes the tool box on him
whats woody made of?!
so sid wakes up after sleeping with his butt in da air and takes buzz to bust him
woody gets the mutant toys to help him and he sez hes gotta break a few rules
what rules?!
who ,makes em?!
Who enforces em?!
its never explained
so the mutants ring the door bell and the toys fire out a toy car
sister opens it and the doorbell toys catch and save it as the dog runs after it and is locked out
woody and mutants go to da back yard
sid is gonna bbq woody later but when he goes to light buzz, woody talks to him and tells him toys don't like being blown or busted
the toy mutants come at him and sid runs in fear
sister torments sid with her toy doll as he runs in fear saying da toys r alive
then andy leaves and woody and buss go after em
btw is the toys having feelings a thing on animal rights?
they catch onto the truck but sids dog gets woody so buzz jumps on him to stop him
woody gets in and throws the rc car to save buzz but the toys beat his a55
they go through traffic and the dog gets splattered into a mush of bones and guts
really its harmlessly trapped in cars that gently bumped into eachother
they throw woody off da truck but rc and buzz save him
the strong toy pulls the truck thing and the metal thing falls on the road and sparks up
slinkey dog tries to hold em but rc runs outta juice and they're f'd
so they try lighting sids rocket but a car blows out da match
woody's hand cooks rom sun through buzz's helmet dome which is a safety hazard and he lights da rocket that way
they zoom, throw rc in the truck, cut the rocket tape with buzz's wings b4 it blows, and fly into the car sunroof
andy notices nothing wrong with them appearing in his box in his lap
then its xmas and andy gets a mrs potato head and a puppy
oh and bo pep makes out with woody
peep is played by the chick from the 80s ghostbusters and woody is forrest gump and the aids carrier in philedelphia
now she has aids
the end
I loved it
its a great clean fun positive bada55 90s film
I recall crying when earing that u've gotta friend in me song on da radio as a kid thinking about how meaningful it is
sorta like minmei's love song in Robotech
great movie
its only like 80 mins
and hold up over 20 years later
although sid is kind of a metal/grunge punk tween that was popular in a 90s
for toy story 2 I want it to be about sid dealing with his feelings of fearing toys and is being treated for psychosis and paranoia over it. he eventually snaps and has an episode in  toy store and causes much damage. that, with his years of anti social issues cause him to be put on powerful drugs and he seems mentally f'd and starts b0ning his toys ad sticking em up his a55! also its a game gear game and game boy where you play as sid and gotta fight toys,

Saturday, January 12, 2019

Jane Review

note; chimps are daemons. so I don't spell right
this is my review on jane from 2017
its about that chick who wasted her life with a bunch of sub human apes
I once wrote a story about kung fu fighters taking on apes in post apocalyptic florida
also I hear chimps can be vicious and savage
so it starts with text saying its made from over 100 hours of  footage from the 60s found in 2014
then text saying they chose 26 year old jane goodall who had no experience to go on an ape mission
then bugs
then burds
then other critters
then a voicve over of jane being interviewed
she wanted to go on adventures like men did
she went out in 57 as she loved animals
she got close to chimps and lived with em and got accepted
and she anted to communicate with em like dr Doolittle and live with em like tarzan
she wanted to live in Africa with animals since she was like 8
now she lives her dream
yet kids don't get how dangerous wild creatures can be
then we see her at like 90 and talking about her 1st trip
cuz there was no data on chimps no one knew how they were in the wild
not knowing its dangerous doesn't make it less dangerous
look at drinking and smoking in the 50s
she watched em eating in a tree from a distance like a peeper looking at chicks showering
then she spent a buncha days with the apes
but they fled from her
she cleans her hair in the river and sez her mom came with her so she'd have someone
she sez her dad didn't care about her and was in the war
no wonder she gave up on humanity
also her mom pretty much raised her
as a kid she played outside and daydreamed of tarzan boy
also she didn't wanna have a family or marry
that's a shame
same with Lillian gish
so the chimps don't like her
that means they'll later fall in love in the movie
so she looks for chimps 1 day and finds jack sh-t
but then finds a white chin haired ape who didn't run
is this gonna be like digit and that gorilla b--ch?
she follows it to its base with more apes
the accepted her now
so she watching them doing cr-p like eating bugs out of eachothers a55es and names em
and she finds they have some semi human abilities
me; yeah but they are still vastly inferior
you know, a spider is smarter than an earwig yet its still a spider
and pigs are smarter than dogs yet we eat em
h-ll, crows and octopi are smarter than apes
don't mean we don't eat em
to quote dbz; he was just... a mon key!!
so janes is watching da apes wAlk on all 4s and its like those guys from return to oz which I never saw but saw clips of
also apes use tools
spoiler; so do crows!
then a chimps strip a twig of leafs and ue em to get out termites
1 guy she told sed "we gotta redefine man, or, count chimps as human"
spoiler; humans have souls
so people think shes full of cr-p and they send a cameraman
she tells about him and how he smoked a lot
later at night a chimp broke in and entered her tent and stole bananas
they set up a camera and find its one she named
then more chimps got close to camp
also they chew on cardboard boxes
and f sh-t up
they're getting more riled up and malcontent
I blame violent cartoons like dbz and power rangers
good f--k these beasts are outta control
hope they got a firearm
so they try reasoning with the apes by making a feeding station
they use steel boxes on switches to see em up close and safe
1 ape was the dominate female but the males were higher level
later she's got a swelling on her a55 and the apes start b0ning her
1 at a time and everyone gets a turn
like 5kanks today
then jane gets a telegram and a guy loves her
she marrys him
we see footage of her happy
they go back to soviet Africa and the chimps have ape babies
eventually she becomes famous for her ape studies
after a montage of her fame the funding ended but she didn't wanna get a real job so her and husband wrote books and made films about africa
eventualy she poops out a baby and takes video of it
we see the kids parts
good thing she didn't circismise it
also she kept him in a cage to keep the apes from b0ning him dead and eating the parts the shred off it
she spent more and more time with her kid and husband
I should've said diss b4 but I never really saw this b4
it was on but I wasn't paying attention
wtf the kids name is grub
is that like scorpion in mortal kombat??
then the chimps get some virus, probably aids or w/e, and start decroding
she sees no difference between helping a human or animal
also I think she had 1 shot for being a carrier
its ok when its an animal but I think she's ok executing sick people
oh and I think its polio
look at those aids monkeys
making those mental faces
oh and they cant touch chimps anymore
and her son hated the apes
then we see a lion biting a bison's a55 and bringing it down
eventually son goes back to soviet England and she visits him at times in some months
later the ape who got b0ned a lot bites it
and its kid goes emo and gives up on life and goes to monkey h-ll
eventually the pack breaks up and seperates into separate gangs like in mad max or the warriors or something
and if they meet again on rival turf they ice eachother
then we see photos of dead apes
she had no idea how brutal these wild apes can be
spoiler; they tear off faces, hands, feet and groins of ape and man
and it aint just apes
ants have colony wars
as do wasps and bees
also she breaks up with her husband as she didn't wanna leave soviet Africa
Africa doesn't love you
he does
man they show a lot of phallllic worms and caterpillars
she went to Africa to see humans past by looking at wild animals
spoiler; creation science disproves man came from a lower animal
then she jabbers on about evolution
I got a cosmic feeling looking at that galaxy as she talks about our purpose or w/e
like some h p lovecraft brief glimpse into eternity
then she sez the chimps are going extinct in africqa and is trying to save em
then we get text saying where everyone wound up
grub became a boat builder
husband became a great photographer
and bit it in 2002
and janes study on chimps is the longest continuous study on any wild animal
the end
that was not bad
it tried to paint a light look at chimps and only made their violent tendincys seem rare or brief
yet I know they are vicious daemons and should be purged from our blue and pure world
that CosMc feeling though
this was a good film and i'm glad she wasn't mutilated dead by apes
for jane 2 I want it o be a mystery movie where someone is taking out all chimps and they keep finding them chopped up. after investigating they find a masked warrior with a bad a55 sword and body armor that ca withstand chimp blows. he's trying to rid the world of the apes that wronged him. jane investigates but finds its her on wo blames the apes for ruining his childhood and wants revenge. also its a 16 bit hack and slash game here you play as grub and take out al the chimps in the area on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Atari jaguar.

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

The Wizard Review

note; sonic is better than Mario! somehow this makes me spell bad
the wizard
this is my review on the wizard from 1989
its got fred savage, Christian slater and the debut of tobey McGuire
its directed by todd Holland who did a buncha Malcom in the middle eps
its also got beau bridges
its often bashed for being a feature length video game commercial
but batman beyond was made to sell toys and was really good
so it starts with this kid walking on a road with a lunch box
a plane spots him and tells a car where he is
the car is then in front of the plane somehow and is at the kid
that don't add up
the cop gets out and gets the kid who sez he wants to go to CALIFORNIA!! and cop drives in the same direction the kid was walking
that don't add up
also they were standing in the car for several hours as the sky is orange now and was blue in the previous shot
then a shrink sez the kid hasn't seen his real dad or brorthers in a while
and da kid keeps wandering off
shrink sez he's traumatized and new dad wants to put him in a home
btw they don't say it in the film
but hes got autism
they didn't want it seen as ripping off rain man
later baoh bridges with his kids fred savage and cristin slater are having a cr-ppy meal
slater took the car w/o consent as he was somehow gonna keep kid from being sent to a home or something
the 2 are unrelated
savage goes mental and storms off over it
slater tries to help but savage sez slater don't care and storms off
later savage throws darts at a board and goes off with a backpack and skateboard to 80s music
he sneaks into the nut house (which is unlocked and unguarded) and easily gets his auristic kid bro out
they hide in a hostess truck and t drives down the mad max wasteland road
after all the kids parents get together at the nut house and 1 says "he was seen getting in a truck"
by who?!
there was no one there!
and if he was, why didn't the witness do anything?!
was it an inmate looking out the window!?
if so, why would they believe him?!
this story has more holes than my a55!!
new dad hired a mercenary or w/e to bring back the kid
mercenary tells baoh and slater not to stop him from bringing back his kids so mercenary will get paid for bringing em in
later savage and kid get utta da car and kid wanders off so sabvage chases him
then theres a montage of them going somewhere
then its getting dark and they're at a rock thing with a roaring fire and a coyote houls
then cut to them I a town the next day
if this movie had a video game, there'd be a dog fight level
at an arcade he plays the nes double dragon which doesn't make sense as the nes ver was a port
savage talks to a guy for like 30 seconds and when he gets baxck kid has scored 50 000 on double dragon
that's impossible
also a girl notices em
she follows em to a basement and sez she noticed them fearing a cop and savage sez kids kicks a55 at double dragon
a Nintendo movie said a55
and its the wonder years kid saying it
she don't buy it and he bets her ticket she's wrong
she makes it to level 3 on double dragon and kid plays more of level 3 and kicks a55
but hey miss the bus
meanwhile dad and boo bridges drive to get da kids
also baoh reads a map while driving and nearly crashes into another car
then kid is kicking a55 as ninja gaiden
but not the arcade ninja gaiden released in the public areas
the nes home version
girl sez the kids a wizard
and wants to use him to win a video game contest so she gets a piece of the prize
then mercenary sees bouh and slaters car and stabs their tires
so baoh takes a shovel to mercenarys car
as mercenary drives off buoh throus his shovel
good role model for kids
meanwhile the trio is in a ruck next to a live cow getting a lift
also girl sez her mom was a showgirl who had great legs and she inherited her legs
they sold the bus ticket and pooled their cash
then the rednecks driving the truck find em and get em out
is this gonna be like in deliverance??
yu got a perdy mouth!!
meanwhile buu and slater are at a car shop and slater is playing Mario 2 usa
later the trio got a lift rom the side of the road but somehow used all their money
guess they got a game over and continued
like in Castlevania II simons quest with the hearts
that means the red necks b0ned em dead
also girl knows savage saved 4$ from b4 as she counted when he showed his money
maybe she's got some autism too
savage sez to some guys his bro could beat em at an arcade game
then cut to em walkin away saying they snaked em
good role model for the kids
swindling strangers outta cash
they spend the night in a dump in a f'd out car
girl keeps saying tall tales of being a bada55
she sez she's never scared  so savage puts on a skull mask I didnt know was around in da 80s and she slugs him
what a b--ch
shes kinda like Bulma from dragon ball
the next day she plans to triple their nearly 50$ on the way to the contest
and she got magazines to teach kid tricks in games
but he's already super expert
its like giving batman frisbee mags to teach him to throw batarangs!
then they see a biker gang and get a lift to 80s music
but the gang has helmets in kid size
it turns into a montage of them hitch hiking
good lesson for the kids
remember in degrassi high when wheels went to live with his birth dad and hitchhiked?
this gay guy picked him up and tried to b0ne him!
imagine if they edited scenes from degrassi into this!!
as the trio is in a pickup truck it whizzes by mercenary who dont notice em
later the trio gyps these 80s teens outta cash after a driving game I don't recognize as I grew up with a sega genesis
1 kid sez kid cant beat lucas
lucas is this bada55 who's basically kaiba from Yugioh
hes got all 97 nes games available in America at that time
and knows them all
also his last name is barton like trowa in Gundam wing
he then uses the power glove and kicks a55 at rad racer to 80s music
spoiler; the power glove s-cked!
he handicapped himself using it and still won
instead of facing lucas, kid walks out for no reason
and lucas hits on girl and sez hes headed for the championships
then its night and slater and bouh have a father/son moment in bed
then slater goes to the pickup truck and ets a Nintendo outta the back where anyone could steal it
he plays tnmt 1 on nes and then cut to him sleeping and boh is playin it and nearly beat level 3 and got the scrolls
then kid s building something outta blocks and it offends savage for some reason who knocks it over
savage sez kid lost 1 game and he can overcome it
how'd he lose?!
he didn't even face him!!
by that logic piccolo lost to vegeta!
the film tries to have a soft moment and girl sez kid is jealous of her as savage is all kid has
shes gonna book it but the teens they gypped are after em in a pickup truck like in forest gump
they want the cash back and kids lunch box opens up with photos
its revealed kid's twin sister bit it in a river and that traumatized kid into autism
I hear twins bond is deep
once you take twins outta the womb, they scream
but put em together and cuddle
memories from their creation to birth
and kid saw the twin bite it
and slater was supposed to be watching em
and kid is actually his half brother
man that's actually sad
these guys got damage
now sabage is quitting and they go off
but kid says he don't wanna quit and they reunite
mercenary is spotted by bou and slater and bouh plows his car into mercenarys car
mercenary sez he'd sue and dad sez mercenary  makes money off kids and should be shot
pretty bada55
them rams his car 2x more
but baohs car busts
oh and he yells chicken sh-t!!
this was rated pg
then its night and trio goes to vegas or w/e
at a casino girl yells advice at a dice game and it helps this trucker
how'd she know?
maybe she has autism
they get kicked out for using kids to bet but keep the cash
well, she does
the trucker gets 10$
 then girl calls the Nintendo helpline and gets advice for Castlevania II
then an 80s montage f kid playing various nes games at an arcade and girl calling that 1 900 number
later mercenary is on da phone with mom and sees abobobo and slater park
he pays a toe truck to do something
slater recognizes kid's hat on a teen who took back his cash and gets it back
lucas is there and tells em the kid is going to L A
then toe trucvk takes their truck
why is lucas still there if L A is 500 miles away?
they just said 500 miles
wasn't the thing in a few days?
and that was several days ago??
this movie has ore holes than my a55!
oh and mercenary knows the kids are going to the tournament
bobo and slater find their truck and its scrapped
mercenary gets to the casino and finds savage
a chick sez kid is in the arcade and they run to find him
mercenary gets kid but girl screams and sez he touched her breast
false accusations?
good role model for kids
the guards carry him out
then girl takes em to her real home
later bohmander is playing Zelda 1 and slater pulls the game out
what a c-cksucker!
someone did that to my game, i'd bite off his parts.
then girl admits her storys of her awesome life were all cr-p
and her  mom was a gambling addict
and she wants the prize money to get a real house and not a trailer park
savage sez its like in Zelda how he has to find Zelda and girl needs to find a house
she finds it s-xist
only a feminist has that kinda twisted thinking
savage tries to smooch her but she don't wanna
then they smooch
later mercenary somehow knows girls full name and calls someone to track her down
next day mercenary finds her place and captures kid
girl gets her trucker homies to go stop mercenary by blocking the road with trucks
then 2 more trux come in
how'd they know where hes going?
and no one else would be there?
trucker who she helped with dice sez mercenary touched her brests and they beat the black off him offscreen
trucker takes em to universal studios for the video Armageddon tournament
the game is ninja gaiden
not gay den
guy den
and lucas is doing well in it
btw this movie was made when the sega genesis had come out
but Nintendo had 90% of the market
after sonic and sega's in yo face adds it got to over 50%
btw was this movie an inspiration for video and arcade top 10?
that show in soviet Canada ran for like 15 years on ytv
so the finalists are lucas, kid and a 3rd no one
so after 1 round of ninja gaiden hes in the finals??
then mom and new dad find mercenary and b--ch about him taking 9 days
then in 15 mins the tournament finals is gonna be a new game
lucas points out the kid to mercenary and theres a chase through universal studios theme park
also slater and badenov are there and follow
tour guide sez there they filmed mayhrem in montecarlo wher zsa zsa gabor and pee wee herman made it
trio walk over a metal connector between 2 carts o a moving vehicle
good role mode for kids
kids get off by king kong who universal sued Nintendo over donkey kong over and mercenary follows
they escape into a room and find they are right over the tournament
mercenary comes after em but the kids get in an elevator as time counts down to video Armageddon
the gates open up and kid is in there
the new game is revealed to be super Mario bros 3
when this movie was made there wasn't enough ROM chips to release all their games
so Nintendo turned super Mario 3 into a feature film to build hype
\I never had an NES but I did get the gba port of super mario Advance 4 and beat every level
I was never big on Mario
I like super Mario bros 01 which I played on my aunts nes in the 90s
I tried both japan and us Mario 2
us was kinda obnoxious with the later levels and japan was pretty insane hard
I eventually beat both
us on super Mario advance and jp on the gb color super Mario deluxe
Mario 3 I liked but Mario 4 super Mario world I didn't care for
you gotta hold down B to get any speed or momentum but that makes it hard to handle
plus having to keep going back to get Yoshi over and over if you take 1 hit
the moment Yoshi is touched he runs away like a maniac
straight off a cliff
I never had a snes but beat Mario world on the gba port
so the kids got 10 mins to get the most points
the fam gets there and watches kid kick a55 at Mario 3
also savage tells kid to find the warp
even though theres no way he'd now about that
kid gets iced and goes back
he keeps scrrweing up
also thre points aren't in game score
its a score based on how well they do
somehow kid finds the secret passage that hives him the flute warp
kid gets the star at the end of the level as time goes out and wins
lucas cant take it and pulls a gun and takes out the host then moves in on kid, who then grabs his arm, twists it toward Lucas's head and blows him out!
but that would be pretty f'd
so ten the fams drive back and kid has em stop by these dinosaur statues from pee wees big adventure
its the same ones
kid runs into one and goes to this curtain area
this place is the last place they were as a family
he wanted to put the photo's someplace where she was happy
also its implied mom gave blanka bridges custody of  the kids
how do baku have a truck back?
it was chop shopped!
they drive off to 80s music
the end
that was pretty good
nice 80s family movie
yeah it made no sense at times
but it had heart
they couldn't make this today
video games are all 17+ now
this was a reminder of an innocent time when kids had fun and rules were more lax
nowadays there'd be charges against half the characters for the sh-t they pulled
but this was a fun innocent positive light film and I enjoyed it
for the wizard 2 I want it to be the 90s and about the console war between sega and nintendo and the autistic kid needs to choose a side but struggles. also lucas has gotten into stimulants and caffeine injections to boost his skills and wants a rematch with the kid. also when the kid I asked which sstem he wants for Christmas he has a freak out and starts screaming and moaning.