Tuesday, January 31, 2017

20 000 Years In Sing Sing

note; I'm in a hurry. cant spell
20 000 years in sing sing
this is my review on 20 000 years in sing sing
its by michael curtiz with bette davis and spencer tracey
its based on a book
it starts in prison with men walking and their sentence shown
it adds up to 20 000 years in sing sing
that makes sense
as creation science dates the earth at around 6 000 years
the opening credits show the image of the actor and sez who he plays
why don't we do this anymore
candy a55!
tracey talks with guys in suits
he seems like one of the 3 stooges in this
he goes to prison and has a lotta people there to see him off
a guy with a moustache talks to the warden
the warden sez tracey has 5-30 for robbery and assault with a deadly weapon
he then reads traceys rap sheet
the moustache guy tries to bribe the warden but he burns the cash
he sez no inmates get preferential treatment
btw tracey is named conners
like curt conners from Spider-Man
i'd like a Spider-Man p0rn0 with dr curt "the c-ck" conners who had his thing bit off by a gator and uses lizard dna to regrow it
but it makes him grow lizard d-cks all over his body
tracey refuses to wear a uniform and throws a fit
warden sez he don't gotta but he gets treated like everyone else
they take him through the prison but in long undies
the inmates make cute comments like in top gun
they're gonna b0ne him!
he's put outside with the other inmates in long undies
they make tracey work in the ice house
his parts are gonna freeze and fall off
he later goes in uniforme
he talks to the warden and don't like being in prison
prison isnt good?!
the warden tells tracey hes not some ubermench who is superior to his fellow man
tracey sez work is for saps so warden has him to sit on an iron bench until his a55 callouses up
tracey sez if he has to ice the warden to get out he will
warden sez if he were him he'd do the same
we get a montage of tracey on his a55 and other people being good inmates
he asks a guard how long he's here
guard sez 3 months but tracey sez it feels like 3 years
he agrees to work as he has a55 callouses
he enjoys busting rocks
get buff in prison!
turn into garlic jr
tracey meets with his woman and they make out
bette davis wasn't a hag in the 30s
in baby jane she rotted
tracey sez she shouldn't look hot in prison as it arouses him
I bet he got a b0ner
he also sez don't come on Saturday
its not good mojo 4 him
cr-p happens to him on Saturdays
In the distant future year of 199x; Saturdays were the best
fox kids!!
power rangers and cr-p!
tracey gets an IQ test and does well
its some random guy
now tracey does it
he don't wanna sit down so he spills ink on the chair
he has to sit anyway
a55 full of ink
he hears a dumb guy got coal shoveling so he does well on the test
hes smart when he wants to be
another guy does the test and s-cked at it
the test is putting wood pieces into grooves they belong in
he sez he's color blind and the dr puts him on cr-pper detail
that's racist
later bette davis returns dressed like a chick from Robotech season 1 but in dark colors
she sez shes got a guy trying to spring him
but the he's have to live in hiding or ditch America
just get it over with and move on
later inmates ae making shoes
tracy talks to a guy who sez hes bustin out
the cr-pper guy cuts a valve on a thing after taking the wheel off
as in he removes the wheel and saws it
b4 lights out the guys prepare for something
after lights out a guy uses a device to unlock the door
one uy fakes being ill and gets a guard over
he sez hes got cramps and he might be poisoned
its his perroid
hes got a uterus
hes a hermaphrodite
the warden warns of a break
when the guard comes he beats him
more people join in and tracey don't wanna go cuz its Saturday
yes he had bad ones
but maybe his Saturday is different?
its a new day
they make him go with em and dress in guard uniformes they jacked
tracey wacks the guar as he was waking up
the device wont open this door so they wait
they wack a guard coming up but he whistles for help
more guards come and they use tear gas
1 guy in guard dress runs to the bars and yells
he gets capped
the guards come in and have the guy surrounded
the guy who forced tracey to come jumps and busts on the pavement
tracey was in the jail cell the whole time?!
I thought that guy was him
he tells the warden that his door is unlocked
warden thinks tracey is going soft but he sez he stayed cuz its Saturday
later tracey gets word bette davis is biting it and was in a car accident
we get a human moment from tracey as he reveals he loved her
like mad saurus and blue from violence jack
but bette davis isn't a hermaphrodite
or is she?
warden sez he can let tracey out for a bit to see her
he gives his word that hes coming back
aw f
its Saturday!
later the moustache guy talks to a dr and sez they're worried she might talk
moustache guy sez she jumped
at the train station the cop that busted tracey recognizes him and follows
tracey meets davis and she sez moustache guy was gonna give 5 000 $ t do something(clear him)(wtf ever that means)
she tried something and now is biting it
she could've sent moustahe guy "up da river"
tracey takes a firearm but she tells him not to
the cop comes in and (wait I think its the moustache guy)
he confronts the blonde bette davis but tracey fights him\
bette davis caps mustache guy and the cop pounds on the door
tracey takes the gun and books it
the moustache guy tells the cop tracey did it
why'd he take the gun?!
the cop calls the jail and tells him tracey iced a guy
warden thinks tracey is gonna return
later tracey wants to skip the country
warden sez this might wreck him as the big wigs hated his honor system
although everyone he released came back
the papers mock the warden
he agrees to resign
as he writes his name on the resigning thing, tracey returns
what took him so long?!
a montage of newspapers say he is tried and convicted of icing the guy
why not just tell em the woman did it?
if he didn't take the gun it wouldn't've happened!
hes gonna get the chair
he sez to check the watermain that for the last year he's been working on it to bust it so he can bust out
later he gets a letter saying if he don't see the irs about his 1926 taxes, he will be arrested
later the cr-pper guy is taken away
he plays a harmonica and does a song great for once
we get a newspaper say his appeal is said to be staying in the chair
he talks to a priest and don't go for "pearly gates" stuff
i'd love it if the priest said; see you in h-ll(from heaven)
bette davis comes in sez she did it but no one bought it
she wants tracey to marry her b4 he's cooked
he sez to live on in a good life
he f'd her up and now she can be free
wtf bette davis' character is named fay
like faye wray in king kong
warden brings her out
a priest prays for him
waden lights traceys smoke
then we get the inmates and their sentences
and the title
the end
that was a good 30s film
and it was written by the real warden of sing sing
I enjoyed it
for 20 000 years in sing sing 2 i'd like for the warden to see how he was the reason tracey was getting the chair and he'd b0ne him crippled so they cant fry him as you cant execute someone unless they are healthy. tracey thinks he warden betrayed him by b0ning him crippled and vows revenge. his gf and him fuse into a hermaphrodite with the muscle and bone mass of both combined into a super human and it goes after the warden. the warden tries running through his jail using traps the inmates built into it and fighting the fused tracey/davis until it defuses and he can fist fight both. its also a 16 bit game on snes and sega genesis and plays kinda like Spider-Man vs the kingpin.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

The Hunger Review

note; my spellings gotten better. but I'm no William sodomspeare
the hunger
this is my review on the hunger (1983 version)
its directed by tony scott
hes dead now
its starring david bowie
hes also dead now
its also got susan Sarandon
its really really widescreen
like half the screen is black bars
it starts with this trippy weird 80s thing of bowie in some weird cage thing as the credits go by
wtf it just turned into a music video
they sing about vampires
keeps mentioning that bela Lugosi's dead he's been dead for 30 years when this film was made
it keeps cutting to people in shades
btw, the editing is really fast
it never stays on a single shot for more than a few secs
its almost like watching an anime
some people undress and I think start to b0ne
maybe just making out
we also see a monkey freekin out
wtf am I watching?!
is this a p0rn0?
something happens with the monkeys and aids blood gushes outta em
the next day this science chick sees in her lab the aids monkey ate another
or maybe it exploded
high octane aids
then some people burn a body in a big furnace
then bowie and a chick sower together and b0ne
I hate how the top half of their heads is offscreen In the black bars
the next day bowie wakes up in bed with a woman(not ringo starr or whoever was In the rolling stones he b0ned(I was born in 1987. imma 90s kid(sue me)))
in the lab the monkey has been up for 56 hours and rotted and ate his gf
to be fair; many animals practice cannibalism
its natural
animals do it
everyones a little bit cannibal
maybe there is no vegetarian or carnivore and we're all varying degrees of cannibal?
then we get an info thing of kids with progeria
a condition that causes kids to decrode into geezer like forms
the science lady wants to find a way to reverse it
the guy interviewing her sez that can be used for immortality
this kid takes a polaroid of bowie and sez he looks awful
the science lady sez this 90 year old sleeps 2 or 3 hours a night and has more energy than them
she may have some kind of hidden Ki
also if shes in her 90s in 83 that means she was from the 1800s
her grandma might've owned slaves
the girl takes a picture of a chick and sez she should say "salami" instead of cheese
sounds like a phalllic reference
btw the science lady is susan sarandin in a bad 80s haircut
I love da 80s
later sarandin is at a boom signing
later the chick b0ning b0wie stops by the age test thing and a guy sez they found a way to speed up the age in monkeys but cant do the opposite
bowie talks to the chick hes b0ning about how long the others took
she sez she hopes this time is different
bowie asks who the next one is
is this about aids?
well they were b0ning a lot
we get some trippy shots of rooms lit by fire and cool blue lighted rooms
later bowie goes to the age place
he finds Sarandon and talks to her about her book
he sez she sez age can be treated like a disease
but she's busy and late
he sez yesterday he was 30 and today he has liver spots
she tells him to wait for 15 mins and ditches him
she tells her staff he's harmless and to wait until he leaves
bowie smokes but is told to put it out
and you wonder why ur rotting
Sarandon reviews a monkey gradually age and soon its up to 5 years per minute
the test sez its blood loses the ability to hold oxygen
we get a cool time lapse thing of the monkey rotting to crusty bones
later bowie is a geezer and realizes he' been f'd
as the Sarandon talks with a uy sayng how they found how to f up the clock, they need more cash
bowie looks at himself I the mirror next to a young guy
hope he don't try to b0ne him
later in the elevator he looks at a nurses t-ts
hope he don't try to b0ne her
he confronts the sarndon about her leaving him to rot for 2 hours
he should've b0ned her dead for that
his aids goo would make her rot
\later bowie shanks a guy dancing alone in a place with his ghetto blaster on roller skates and runs away
the chick who took pictures sez she cant do her music thing tomorrow as shes got a school thing
she don't recognize rotted bowie
she thinks bowie is bowies dad as they has the same eyes
he has the girl pay music and they talk about bowie
as she plays he moves around her
like a wasp about to sting
I hope he don't try to b0ne her
he grabs her and cuts her neck
no bowie!
naecrophilia is bad!
although animals do it
it is natural
and its not like eating a burger is hurting a cow
later the chick he was b0ning comes home
hly cr-p this movie's been going over half an hour
its got a slow built and good pacing
not much happens but it keeps attention
kinda like tony's bro ridley's film alien
plus both are semi p0rn0
bowie sez she sed they'd be together forever
he wants a kiss
it keeps cutting back and forth between young and rotted bowie
they kiss but she stops as she's grossed out
is this one of those p0rn0 things with a hot chick and a really gross guy?
like android 18 and bacterion from dragon ball?
bowie wants her to ice him
but she cant
she finds the photo the girls polaroid took of him b0ning her dead
so she cooks her bod in the furnace
bowie wants her to ice him and falls down crippled
but he cant bite it as somehow hes immortal
this happened in johnny quest(90s one)
to be fair; if she did ice him, he'd go to h-ll for all his b0ning and killing
which believe it or not, is actually worse
she carries him upstairs and puts him in a box
holy cr-p he looks like the dancing guy from the 6 flags adds or w/e
she puts him with the other boxes full of rotting people she gave aids to
later the Sarandon calls
I mean comes over
she tries to explain how she f'd him over w/o accepting blame
the chick sez he went to Switzerland
saranond sez they get a lotta pranks at the hospital
yeah, geezrs play pranks saying they're 30
later the cops stop by asking about the girl
later sadarond crosses the road and a trunk stops at the light as she walks by
it tries to make it look like a close call
but the light was red butt soap!
after a lot of nothing with Sarandon just existing in a room at various angles, she goes to work
she keeps answering up the phone w./o it ringing
later she goes back to the chick
they talk about ancient items
the chick plays music about some Indians from different classes who fell in love
also they were both chicks
Sarandon spills wine on her b00b and we get a slo mo scene of her changing
this is a p0rn0 isn't it??
they start making out
this chick turned Sarandon
then they go to bed and have a long weird love scene
what is this? the room by tommy wiseau?!
aso the chick drinks sarandons blood
blood and b0ning in the 80s?
sounds like aids references
we get a good transition of her arm bleeding and it going to a rare steak being cut
Sarandon is on a date with her bf(which she kinda cheated on when b0ning the chick)
her bf is suspicious about her spending 3.5 hours alone with the chick and getting an ankh necklace
if this were modern days he's suspect her of being queer
but in the 80s no one thought about it
although in the 80s, a guy wearing a neon pink pleather jacket, no shirt, nipple rings, no pants, a leather speedo, and knee high leather boots with skull kneepads, was seen as cool
now you'd think they were filming some p0rn0 nearby
later Sarandon cant eat
later a blood test sez Sarandon has 2 types of blood in her fighting
hers and another
she badly denies knowing how it got there or her arm wound where she was bit
sounds like she was sharing needles
she confronts the chick for giving her aids and the chick slams her against the wall
the chick reveals she cut them and shared blood
Sarandon leaves but the chivk sez she's gonna come back to her when THE HUNGER gets too strong
Sarandon cals a dr but he's gone home
also she looks like she's in withdrawal
she thinks she sees bowie with an ankh but its a guy with a cross
he thinks shes a junkie
some lesson for the audience eh?
remember kids, if someone looks like a junkie, they're probably under a blood spell
her bf(the dr she called) calls but shes not in
the bf goes up to see the Sarandon but we get weird trippy editing that don't make sense
then the chick wastes the bf
the Sarandon sees the chick eating the bf
but it was just a dream and the bf comes to the chicks place asking about her
she sends him to the Sarandon and Sarandon is having sn episode
as she's clutching her gut, I think her uterus is melting
she tries making out with him but tries to get him away
he sez he loves her and she does something offscreen
we get a weirdly edited scene of the chick eating a black woman
apparently she ate her bf
the chick tells her the rules on how to feed and sleep to stay young forever
she tells Sarandon shes gonna love her and they drink in a weird pose like 1 is a reverse reflection of the other
then they make out
Sarandon gets this ankh blade stuck in her neck(I think self inflicted) and she makes out with the chick while gushing blood
the chick takes Sarandon up to the room with her ex's and the room starts tilting
she sez its bowie
her rotting ex's are back as 80s effects zombies
she sez she loves em but when they try to b0ne she sez no
they swarm her and I think try b0ning her but she gets away
she falls off the rail thing and down the stairs thing ans seizures as she rotts
all the ex's fall down and shatter into crumbs
this is in slo mo with wind and birds and light
later the cop returns and this guy sez she's her real estate agent
he sez the owners bit it and the profits go to the research center
the cop sees the photo taken of the chick by the girl
then we get Sarandon in a white curtain
the chick is in a box and the Sarandon is in an apartment looking over the city
the end
wtf willem Dafoe was in this
the green goblin did p0rn0
although that Urotsukidoji II legend of the demon womb video with kohoki b0ning megumi amano was also like green goblin p0rn0
the end
wtf did I watch??
I mean its not bad
its interesting and keeps attention w/o much action
good visuals
but its got these weird love scenes
its sorta tommy wiseau
for the hunger 2 i'd like for it to be set in the distant future year of the 2020s where susan Sarandon has gone on to spread her blood thing around. she donated blood and it spread from there and caused more people to decrode and become zombies under her control. eventually, some holy men who know kung fu and have holy items take on her rotted plague minions. they go from area to area icing these abominations and freeing them from the plague. at the end of each area is an ex of hers advanced by cybernetics as its the future and its a tougher battle. its also an 8 level beat em up on sega genesis and snes and has cyborgs and robots and the Sarandon is advanced by her years of science letting her turn herself into a super forme after she gets beat 1x.

Friday, January 27, 2017

The Iron Duke Review

note; my spelling s-cked but this film aint much better
the iron duke
this is my review on the irin duke
it stars some candya66 named George arliss
its a brit film about fighting napoleon
but napoleon was the good guy!
imagine an Italian film making patton look evil
so in 1815 napoleon was captured
Prussia Russia and Austria wanna weaken france and brought back the king
ironic as after a later war, the French and russians did that to the germans
this duke who fought with or against the Spaniards or w/e is called to a meeting
btw; watching this after able gance's masterpiece napoleon shows why silent films are the best
such epic exciting editing compared to mostly still shots and brits jabbering in their creepy clockwork orange accents
so after an intro explaining who' what, the duke goes to Vienna
the rulers argue over who gets what part of napoleons empire
then they learn napoleon escaped
and the elites are afraid of him rising up and bringing em down
like celebs whining about trump
also they call napoleon "boney"
imagine if I called candy a66 trudeau "Trudy"?!
they meet with the French king and the king thinks the people will side with him
1 homie sez a soldier fights who anyone and napoleon is a soldiers idol
they want the king to skip town
this chick sez the duke wants to become the new French king
she wants them to catch napoleon alive
she wants to b0ne him?
in the commoner area a guy sez someone took 4000 men and joined napoleon
I'm having trouble keeping up with this film
its kinda cr-ppy and don't hold attention
the duke finds this boney homie named ney joined napoleon and
these characters all look and dress the same
and the public domain footage on chch is pretty cr-ppy
duke goes out in a carriage
he goes to the kings place but the king sleeps til noon and its night
what  lazy a55
aw f
we're only 13 mins in
this is gonna be a long dump
they plan to get napolepn outta paris
also the duke sez their soldiers s-ck and they gotta rely on other countries to save their candy a55
if inly aerica helped out against the brits
we could have napoleon as the next Robert e lee
the dke sez the French gotta hold back until he gets his cr-p together and get an army
also he finds when the enemy will charge and attack 5 mins sooner
what If their watches are fast?
later some chicks gush over how the duke is so cool
my a55
they find the duke pretending to be animals
is he a furry?!
the chick who gushed over him talks with him and he sez to act as if napoleon isn't out
she sez women fall in love with him
but hes gross!
if my kid looked like him i'd sew his face shut!
he sez hes gonna settle down fter beating napolen
he meets a chick and she blacks out
maybe his Ki has aids
later theres a meeting or gathering and the duke comes in
everyones dancing
he taks with the faint chick and shes some kinda obsessed fan
she sez hes a softie
then some Scotsmen come in playing bagpipes in kilts
duke finds out napoleon has taken over some place
to avoid alarm, he has his men slip away a few at a time
duke dances with the fan chick
duke leaves and with his men e determines where the battle will be
but then the band plays some song
everyone looks outside and waves to something
its the scotts
to bad the scotts and irish and napoleon didn't team up to free Europe from englind
oh and America too
the duke and friends meet and plan to take on napoleon
hes headed to brussels
I want jean claude van damme to play napoleon and go around beating up brit a55!
theres a battle in this wasteland that looks nowhere near as good as d w Griffiths birth of a nation
its just soldiers walking and some shooting and no interaction from the sides
oh ad horses running around
imagine if that horse dumped a55 on those brits!
btw the frame rate isn't very constant in this
its like they fimed the people talking and the battle in different places and in different times of day an different camera types
then we see guys running through the woods
there were no woods seen b4
then reinforcements arrive
we get a few secs of fighting and more running
remember how good able gance made napoleon look in that snowball fight?
this is just people running around n smoke
we get a distance shot of people swarming like ants
I think they won but it cost a lotta men
what a waste
a guy reads a list of high rank guys wo bit it
the duke has an episode
later he talks about how great a battle it was and how good everyone did
he wants to go home
hes told by some guy that he\s the only one who can save the French from the allies greed
as they wanna take over it and use it for their own cr-p
a fruity reporter bugs duke as he talks with fan chick but he sends him packin
later the rulers meet to decide who gets what
they wanna execute ney for siding with the losing side
but half of france is likes him
duke wants the French king back but one guy wants him out
they argue over who should do what
one guy wants to weaken france
duke sez if te do, frenchies will fight back one day
like America!
duke chats with some chivck saying he wants to make things good and return taken art
its just paper
its not like yuioh cards where you can play eachother
oh, the chick is related to marie Antoinette
she wanted ney iced but duke don't want it
later they have an opera
I loved mr rogers operas
the spoon mountain one moved me to tears when wicked knife and fork broke down
the fan chick and some other chick about letting her have a maid
trading humans like yugioh cards
how grotesque
duke and the stalker chick are recalled to England
I wasn't paying attention cuz I was reading comments on an art stream talking about sonic 2 and 3
when I got back the duke is p-ssed over something
oh, the husband of this chick he likes (the stalker chick) read a published letter about them b0ning
but she's in love with her real husband
he wants to resign but the brits need him in paris
he's his own man right?
cant he decline?
isn't he free?
oh wait
no one is free in England!
he wants to use the scandal to retire to private life
they have a trial over ney
hes charged with treason
they wanted to charge the americans for fighting against the regent too
theres a newspaper saying the duke won at something
ney is gonna get executed at sunrise
so duke races on horse to save him
after sun up he's in some place
its ney about to get executed for fighting for his country
and I think the brits are wackin him
they get like 15 brits to cap him
he opens his top and sez; right through the heart!
how brave!
after he's iced the duke arrives
duke sez madame has fired her last shot
I think he's gonna ice the vengeful Frenchie
the people are rioting over the Frenchie wacking the ney guy
the French regent sees his people with disdain
that's monarchy for ja
the chick who had ney iced sez she's royal and traitors must bite it
king wants the duke back to pull his a55 outta the fire
duke comes in and sez for I'm to stop giving his droogs high rank jobs and treat the people right
if they don't, the people will wack em and maybe b0ne them dead and keep b0ning em afterward
the king signs an agreement
yeah like he's gonna keep it
I know the law sez the royals are under the same law as the people
but drugs are against the law and people still smoke chronic and heroin
duke sez the vengeful Frenchie has to go as she fights for revenge and he fights for peace
what about double dragon 2?
later a guy sez the Frenchie debt is reduced and England gets squa
someone else sez the duke saved the country
duke sez basically a good deed is its own reward
he sez he could've taken advantage of them and gotten em all rich
but it would've p-ssed everyone off and driven em all to war
lol he sez they fought tyranny
how'd he feel about America in 1776?
after the speech his sons congratulate him and they go through town in a carriage in a parade
the end
that wasn't bad
just not great
esp after napoleon (1927) was such a masterpiece
its hard to follow but theres some good parts
better than Canadian history
that grade school class s-cked!
for the iron duke 2 I want for America to free napoleon and team up with him to free Europe. using ben franklins lightning powered exosuits they can fight with the power of 5 men per soldier. the brits forge an alliance with the sasquatch population in America to have the americans kept busy with their own problems as they fight the demonic ape people. thankfully, japan joins in and helps take on the sasquatch with samurai power and ninja magic. its also a 2 player beat em up where you can choose up to 2 player characters out of American in power suit, napoleon, samurai, ninja, traitor sasquatch or traitor brit and fight through many levels to help napoleon save france and free his home country from the brits on sega genesis and super Nintendo

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

The Secret Garden Review

note; I don't spell bad, you need to read better
the secret garden
this is my review on the secret garden(40s version)
I only know of this as it was mentioned in the simpsons
this is my 1st time watching it so yeah
oon, mgm did this
and its based on a novel
I should've known that
make up by jack dawn
strange, that sounds somewhat familiar
it starts with hands opening a key door
then a voice over sez cholera is icing everyone
oh its some brits
they go around listing who bit it
remember that movie; love in the time of cholera?
they otta do an 80s sequel; love in the time of aids!
in 1 home this guy finds a girl singing
he only survivor
this is turning into THEM!
some of her servents bit it, others ran
after some talking and establishing who's what, she tells her shes the only one left
she reacts by busts up her room like tommy wiseau
later she's sent on a boat with child survivors
she is rich and thinks herself superior to them
oh. they were from india
back when it was under brit rule
I thought this was america
shes taken by some chick to a big house
in the old dark house they meet the uncle or w/e
wait, hes not her uncle
they said it was her uncle b4
they retconned it
this is kinda like a horror movie
love dat b/w look
she's told not to go in most of the house
she hears some sounds but is pulled back
shes told it the wind or w/e
also they locked her in her room
the next day a cockney chick comes in all cheerful and like
shes a servent to the chick who brought the girl
the girl goes mental over her pillow being on the floor
what a b--ch
she needs a good beating
this I the 1800s or w/e right?
the cockney chick (c c) sez theres a servent in there who can play or something
hard to tell with her creepy clockwork orange accent
the girl gets p-ssed over having to dress herself
4 year olds can do dat
porridge is 4 breakfast but she don't want it
so she goes to walk in the garden
its big and weird
like in the shining
she talks at a black bird
the'll fall in love later
then she seez a cockney by who likes birds
he sez they locked the "secret garden" years ago
sounds like a drug thing
oh its the c c's kid
he gives her a skipping rope
the girl never saw a skipping rope b4
then the kid disappears
later she's inside eating biscuts
the cockney chick shows her how to skip rope
also the c c has to feed her them
is she some kind of cripple?!
she hears screaming and runs
but is running toward it?!
they're probably b0ning the guy as torture
she is found by a chick and is taken back to her room
the non uncle sez her uncle wants to see her
she meets him and hes going to London soon
he sez he hoped she'd be beautiful
he wanted to b0ne her?
the next day or so shes in the outside and skipping rope
but shes s-cking at it
she hears a black bird and finds the head gardener
they talk and find the garden was locked up for a decade
also she gets along with his bird
he disappears and she tries to get into the garden
the bird finds her the key
the gardener comes back and is suspect of her
at night she gets a candle and goes around
she finds a boy in bed
they think eachother are ghosts
turns out the are cousins
the boy sez he has tantrums
he goes mental when stuff goes wrong
oh and hes a cripple
and if he grows up he'd get a back hump
they talk and he starts going mental
also his dad dont like him
she asks of the garden but he hates going out
he also hates his mom
they bond over them hating their moms and them being dead
she asks stuff and he sez he don't like people who know things he don't
so he hates everyone older than him?
this brat needs a good beating
later the girl seez the cockney kid
she tells him about the brat
but he knows
oh and she shows him the key
they go to find the secret garden but the gardner is there
they get by and find the door is sealed
but they get in
its all weedy
but plants are coming up
they find the tree that fell on and iced the cripples mom
they agree to return the next day
later the girl is telling a story of lions and elephants to the crippled kid
she realizes she's late for the gardon and he goes mental
he mocks he cockney kid for being a poor
just like how the girl did b4
what a p o s
the chick comes in and tells her to gtfo
a guy comes in and reveal hes got irons on his dead legs
oh its a dr
she goes to the garden nd helps plants grow
after a timeskip, she has a flower and as she walks in she ignores the cripple screaming
theyre b0ning his dead a55!
oh f! hes smashing things!
maybe hey should remove his arms and legs and let dogs b0ne him?
worked in violence jack!
turns out hes growing a hump
the chick blames her for it
she goes in an yells at the cripple and smashes cr-p with him
she tells him everyone hates his dead a55!
hahaha this is f'd!
he cries for sympathy saying hes gonna bite it but the girl knows better
they are 2 pair
he sez he wants to bite it so he wont be a freak
turns out the hump is just his back bone
he don't wanna be like his dad
man this kid is a malcontent cripple version of me as a teen
she tells him a story of a magic secret garden with pretty flowers
and only kids can see it
wow, this is pretty good
heart melting
later a bird and a sheep come into the crippled kids room
and a dog
the cockney kid comes in with her and show him them
oh and its a fox, not a dog
they tell him aboot da gardin
btw its in proper full screen w/o black bars
they get the cripple to swear not to tell
then the drs come in
the animals attack on dr
I assume they were b0ning him in the real version
the other dr has a good laugh and examines the boy
he sez the boy needs freash air and exercise
and fear is keeping him crippled
he orders everyone to gtfo and for the cockney kid and girl to bring him around in his wheel chair
outside he tries to walk but cant
they wheel him into the garden and the fil goes full color
I'm not big on nature cr-p
but this is nice
the crippled kid sez he shall live forever
did he turn Christian?
later (n b/w) the uncle sees the good dr
its months later and the dr sez the dad is also a problem
he sez hes going nuts and the letter almost drove him nutser
the dr sez the uncles mentalness f'd up is son
and the son is normal
later the kids are in he garden in color and the cripple kid is getting healthy
they want one of em to go mental but none of em feel like it
then the gardener finds em
he new where they were all summer
he tells em to book it
they do
he enjoys the garden
later in b/w its raining
the cockney boy crawls in her window
they go find the crippke
the cockney boy tells a story I didn't get all of
the uncle tried to chop down the tree but he couldn't and went mental
and he wants to have no one see it again and vowed to destroy it for good
the crippled kid realized his dad loved his mom a lot
the girl realizes shes a kid and don't get a lot
the crippled kid talks about how the story of the secret garden was only for kids
and it'll be a long time b4 they're grown up
the uncle comes in and sez he's taking him to Italy and gonna sell the home
the kid goes nuts
the uncle wants to make up for being so cr-ppy
later the uncle talks to the guy buying the home
the buyer hopes the place has ghosts
he reveals he saw the secret garden and its beautiful
the uncle freaks out and sez hes leaving the house to avoid insanity
he goes to the garden but the gardner tells him not to
he sez he'd kill the gardner if he don't gtfo
he gos in the garden and its color
also the cripple can walk
tis is beautiful
he walks to the uncle and they hug
his heart is healed
that was beautiful
I got teary eyed from it
the end
what a beautiful film
they don't make em this good anymore
no bad romance tacked on or forced sad moment
just a gentle wonderful story
I love it
now to ruin it with a cr-ppy sequel idea
for the secret garden 2 i'd want for it to be set in the future where the kds are edgy hormonal unbalanced teens and the uncle has to unlock their hearts from malcontentary. also the girl is pregnant but don't know if its the poor cockney boy or the ex cripple(who is now a big buff body builder and eats only live animals to build more muscle out of fear of being crippled again)

Sunday, January 22, 2017

The Terminal Man Review

note; my new comp's keyboard is queering out. more typoes than usual in here
the terminal man
this is my review on the terminal man(70s version)
its based on a sci fi novel by some nerd
oh f
Michael Crichton did this?!
he was cool in a lot of his cr-p
I thought it was by Arthur c clark or issac azimov
this film is directed by the guy who did the 1980 flash Gordon
it starts with a helicopter gradually taking off
then a guy looking at photos
they mention there was a car accident
some guy got brain damaged and beat up his woman
2-4 million Americanos have these seizures
1 chick with these seizures went out and b0ned like a dozen guys
beating up chicks?
b0ning a dozen guys?
did tommy wiseau see this film?
I knew a girl. she had a dozen guys. 1 of em found out. beat her up so bad she wound up in a hospital in goo rare oh street
ahahahaha; what a story mark!
so theres a surgery that can help these people but its never been dome on humans
so they bring a guy in cuffs in a wheel chair in and uncuff him
along the way in the guy talks about a computer
in his room he sez the bed will have to go
is he gonna j-zz in it?
a nurse sez the guy has black outs and don't recall what happened
he tried to ice several people
the nurse sez a guy sed machines were competing with humans and were gonna take over the world
its the same guy
his brain damage gives him seizures that make him go berserk
one treatment is to use a drug that kills his male hormones
they're gonna turn him into a hermaphrodite!
its cool devices all over again!
oh and b4 he has blackouts he smells something
they interview him in a room of drs or students
this guard is briefed that tomorrow the guy is getting brain surgery
they're gonna lobotomize him!
like how j fk's dad had his slow daughter lobotomized!
that c-ck s-cker!
actually they're gonna install a computer in him to shock his brain when he has a seizure
a dr sez this surgery Is a bad idea as the guy is afraid of machines
he sez lobotomies were seen as good in the past as dr's want easier to control patients
and only stopped when they got better drugs
human beings are valuable and irreplaceable
to f with them for cr-p like this is wrong
I mean yeah medical science has elongated our life spans
but theres a limit
the sound the razor makes while having his head
barf a rama
blades of aids
gag me with a spoon
and other 80s/90s phrases
imagine if they were shaving his parts!!
so they get him on the table and put his head in a vice
he has a local anesthetic as the brain has no pain nerves and they can cut into it w/o him feeling anything
like in Hannibal where he fed that guy his brains
we don't directly see the operation but we har things of them cutting his head
ooh, they use a power drill
like that guy in the daren arronovsky film Pi
they implant electrodes in his brains
something f's up and an alarm goes off
the electrode nearly hit a blood vessel
so they fix it
imagine if the dr was stressed and couldn't take it and just starts shanking the guys brain!
or worse yet
b0ning it!!
or he gets p-ssed off and just goes
f it
and busts the guys head with a sledge hammer
back in high school a guy was hit by a car and broke a leg.
i had an idea where we recreate the surgery
where we play the dr's with masks on and use kfc for the leg
and do things like sneezing on the open leg
and getting mad at it and stabbing it up
and spitting in the surgery room
and ending with us eating a bit of the leg.
then we show the tape to him and say; this is your surgery!
over the film we keep getting glimpses of some dr eye looking in a hole and saying cr-p
after the surgery we see some drs looking in a room with some chick
they bring in the guy and talk to him as they gradually turn on electrodes in his brain
the 1st electrode makes him feel like hes eating a ham sandwitch
but its not kosher!
the 2nd one makes him fee like he has to whiz
we skip a few and on 7 he becomes 5 years old and wants his mommy to make him milk and cookies
this is f'd up
another electrode makes him feel awful and unhappy
we skip to 31 and it makes him feel good
hes kinda lusty
they go to 32 and he lols
1 dr sez its amusing
they decide to cause a seizure
1st they needle his neck muscle
he smells it
an alarm goes off but the computer stops it
at a social gathering a dr trying to seduce a girl sez he could put a wire In her brain and make her wanna b0ne him
a dr sez the guy's brain likes being shocked by electrodes and is causing more seizures to get more shocks
they f'd up now
they made him the hulk
this is just like how comic book heroes (and villains ) start
they check on him and he's gone
that's the thing
just cuz it works on animal don't mean it works on humans
human are different
I mean yeah some animals have higher intelligence than others
like octopi are smarter than apes
and pigs are smarter than dogs
but they pale in comparison to a fully formed human
he gets in a car with a chick wearing a blonde wig
turns out; he wasn't taking his tranquilizers
and the computer simulates at 3;02 am hes gonna go off
turns out; he had a strpper as a gf bringing him stuff and she picked him up
did this just turn into a p0rn0?
we et a scene in a strp club and a guy undressing a black chick in a nurse outfit
for some reason; all the guys in the club are in suits
how classy the sleaze was in the 70s
the strpper gf comes up to this room with a tape recording about scientology
I think its someone else
the gf finds out he has bandages on his head
in this class or something these people watch taps ofv the guy giving an interview about his insanity
a cop whines that they didn't put out an APB on him and they could've had him in by now
after probably b0ning offscreen, the gf is in the room and the tv comes on
in an interview the gy sez he as catholic but don't like the rituals
thats racist
at 3 02 the guy activates and starts going weird
it looks like his heads gonna explode
he smells it
the tagline for this movie should be; he smells trouble!
he then slugs out his strpper gf and stabs her in the uterus
so stabs the bed
its a waterbed
tis is done to piano and slow mo
is this clockwork orange?
we get slow mo blood and water filling the cracks in the tile floor
like psycho
the next episode is at 6 something am
now these an APB out on him
they find the strpper gf and he kept stabbing like a machine
is this a reverse Robocop?
instead of a metal man with a human BRAIN protecting the law
we have a human with a metal brain wasting em
in a computer place he beats machines and screams; let is stop!
in a church a priest give mass
hes catholic
I recognize the mass style
and the guy is there
btw, if the guy as jewish or mus lim there would be a lot of accusations of "racism" as "you cant have a bad guy of those groups"
but catholics are ok
the guy begs the priest to help him
but he has an episode and goes mental
the chick (I think the nurse from b4) takes a shower b4 going over
cuz if theres a maniac killer out there, you wanna smell good
we dont see her t-ts or anything but after the shower the guy arrives
she makes A call but the phone there is off the hook
a computer guy sez the attack ae happening more often and the nxt attack is in a few mins
the chick talks with the guy
she otta just ice him
he's gonna kill again
if some animal is trying to ice u, you gotta fight back
the guy knows where all the dr's lived as he learned b4 the operation
hes paranoid
its like something dale from king of the hill would do
he sez is memory tapes were erased and theres just static
se sez hes not a machine
a kettle goes of and she gets a knife
she shanks him but he has an episode and she locks herself in  the shower
in his berserk fury he freekin breaks through the door with his arm!
good f!
he collapses and she goes to check on him
he sez he feels awful
he leaves
a guy I don't recognize sez that violent people have brain problems and he can treat em
one reporter asks if that's "mind control"
he sez; what about compulsory education
a man sees the guy walking through a graveyand
hes lolling
he goes into an open grave and starts freakin out
some mexicans arrive to bury someone and find him
the chick arrives and tries to help him
a chopper* flies overhead and a cop inside caps his a55
the should've busted his head open
splatter like a watermelon
a dr eye looks into a hole and sez; they want you next
then the chopper that took off at the start of the film lands
the end
that was pretty good
I would've added more gore and cr-p but this was ok
I sorta like 70s films
good message about not f ing with peoples minds
btw the whole "asking his mommy at age 5" and "computer brain" thing was used in that batman beyond episode where that guy's brainwaves were stored on a computer and got into the batsuit
for the terminal man 2 i'd like for the guy from the 1st film to hav been kept alive as a pile of organs I a machine as they f with his brain to find way's to control him better. its done as a way to make themselves look better after the failure of his 1y st run. eventually his soul builds up enough KI to overpower the machines to gain control over the computers and rebuild his body as a giant mechanical golem wit his soul and organs safely hidden inside. he then gets revenge and goes around bustin the city and people that turned him into this... ABOMINATION!

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Adventures Of Don Juan Review

note; spelling bad is fun!
adventures of don juan
this is my review on adventures of don juan(the 1948 version)
was this based on a true story?
errol Flynn does a lotta historical films
most are fun
I saw the 20s version of don juan and it was pretty good
kinda dark and serious though
this movie is more jolly
I love how its in proper correct fullscreen and bold vivid color
ooh, alan hale is in this
and max steiner is the music man
so we get narration of Europe in the 1600s improving
and I London in the summer, a guy is trying to b0ne someone
its errol Flynn and he's after this long haired red head
they talk all mushy and romantic
and make out
he sez he's only her's but she sez he b0ned a lot more
then he finds she has a husband
this just turned springer
don is uneasy but she sez the husband is hunting
then he comes inwith a bird he iced
things escalate and they swordfight
don easily wins
he tells the man he's been not spending enough time with his woman
he tells the husband should be nicer to her
then books it
his chubby homie is waiting for him
they have an epic chase in the woods
what fun
they are stopped by brittish guards waiting to escort the duke of some spain thing
don and homie play it up to make em thing he's the duke
they take him and say his bride is waiting
the next day they arrive in this place with a lotta people cheering
meanwhile, the bride is malcontent over marryng a man she don't know
its an arranged marriage to ensure peace between England and spain
like with king Solomon and his women
or in nobunaga's ambition where you can marry your men to brides to ensure peace
the bride recognizes don from somewhere
they meet and she remembers b0ning him in Venice
but its really paris and she was testing him
she get's p-ssed off over him not remembering her
then locks the door and makes out with him
I assume they were b0ning in the real version
and the dad bangs on the door
he has the real duke
and they find out he's don juan
the real duke wants to waste him for being a bad Spaniard
he's arrested and is bugged by how he cant recall a chick he b0ned 4 months ago
later he's paroled to the Spanish ambassador
the ambassador whines about don screwing up peace between spain and England
but England is the bad guy!
do sez its not fair that guys are b0ning all the time
but if he bows to a chick her fam wants him lynched
holy cr-p its already 20 mins?
that felt like nothing
the ambassador was chums with dons dad and wants him back to spain
hes told to something about queen Margret
don returns to madrid and everyones bummed
they go to an inn as all the other inns are taxed out
he flirts with the ins daughter but the mom warns her as don juan is returning to spain
then the ministers men arrive and want volunteers for the draft
they start taking people aainst their will and roughing em up like brits or something
so don fights em
I love the action and skill of this swordfight
he smashes a vase on one guy like in batman and robin on sega genesis
he drives em out
the people cheer and thank him
after they find out he's don juan, they still love him
they chat and find out the king is kind of an a55
we see the king with a midget and they are painting him on a fake horse
I assume they were b0ning in the real version
the king seems jolly but not srs
the minister(who is also a duke but imma call him minister to not mix it up(hope the duke from b4 dont return)) tries to get the king to go to war
he also wants to boost taxes and recall a guy who is being paid or something
the duke wants(I'm calling him duke now cuz its easier to spell) to take over the world
the king signs the paper
the queen Margret comes in and is aware of the dukes plans
don arrives and the queen sez his rep is f'd
she whines about him ruining the planned marriage
he sez it wasn't gonna work as the people need love
the king comes in as does the duke
theres some back and forth as don is a lively foil to the dukes serious stiffness
don tells of the dukes men jacking guys for the navy
duke sez its just don trying to keep the heat off him
I love how you can tell that the duke is the bad guy
dark hair/eyes/clothes
its like that guy from star wars
king/dke leave and queen makes don a sword instructor
later the duke plans something about the guy returning
oh its the ambassador
the dukes men take the carriage the ambasaador is in and waste his men
later the duke visits the ambassador in the dungeon
he wants the ambassadors money
the ambassador sez no
duke sez he's gonna ice da queen if she gets in his way and he's gonna torture the ambassador
they're probably gonna b0ne him
they lock him up and take the ring he got from the queen
later the fat homie is shaving don and he does it himself
I think the fatty is alan hale
later don is training the Spaniards how to swordfight
reminds me of my aikido days learning how to use a wood katana
imagine a Spaniard fencer vs a samurai
sounds like samurai shodown
oh, it seems that don was helping the regular trainer train em
the trainer sez don is the best sword guy since the duke
and the duke is the best sword guy around
that means he's gonna fight him
don sez he's gonna train the midget how to sword
don talks with the queen about the ambassador
te queen sez she remembered a story of the ambassador trying to find the fountain of youth
don sez he don't wanna redo his mistakes again
I don't wanna be berried
in a pet, semartary!
the queen and the don agree to be friends
later don goes to see the duke
btw I love the sets in here
real matter and epic big rooms full of made scenery
duke offers to give don power and rank
but he wants don to do stuff for him
this sounds like the stuff that got trump to win
as in; his opponent was too crooked to be trusted
he wants him to get more men for the navy
don sez he don't consent
the duke cuts dons clothes
and he sez he's gonna cut deeper next time
later duke gives consent to torture the ambassador as he wont tell
don and the midget go to see the queen but the midget leaves with a chick for "a garden walk"
I think that's slang for b0ning
the queen knows of the dukes plans
the queen later asks if don misses the life he lead
as in now hes not out b0ning every chick he finds
don sez he had this ideal woman he always wanted to have
now he found her
they go back and forth
its obviously the queen
he sez she taught him virtue, wisdom and dignity
he says nice things but the queen gets defensive
she thinks he's just trying to b0ne her
I like how everyone has one shoulder capes
its like escaflowne
later don is training the swordsmen
he gives a demonstration with a guy using a rapier as an axe
also theres a lotta chix watching the sword lessons
they are here to see don
don is bummed over the one chick he liked turning him down
this chick flirts with don
she leaves her fan with him and wants him to return it
later don is in a garden with her
his head is n her lap and he's laying on a bench
she sez she's getting married tomorrow
he gets flustered
she sez she wanted a good memory b4 marrying the guy
she's getting hitched to a guy cuz the queen wanted to boost alliances
don leaves but runs into the count(the guy she's gonna marry)
don sez he's here to give her bro a fencing lesson
he wants to fight don
don asks if they can settLe it IN ANOTHER WAY
I didn't know don was into that
I mean sword fight
he sez the queen will hear of it
the queen b--ches about it but the midget sez don wasn't into the other chix
but the sister of the guy seduced him
the king and duke come in and say they're gonna kick don outta spain and to America
but don is gone
back at the inn he as in b4, don is wearing a rope
like rei in hokuto no ken
he's planning on escaping
the guy from the dungeon flirts with don thinking he's a chick
he tries to sell don the queen ring he got from the ambassador
oh and he's drunk
he tries again but this time don sees it
don gets him outside and interrogates him
he finds the duke has the ambasaador in the dungeon of a place
they swipe some horses and escape
he gets to the kings place and tells em
they go to ave the ambassador but the duke and guards arrive
don surrenders but the duke takes over
he has the don takes away to be executed later
why not ice him now?
the duke hostages the queen to make the king his b--ch
don wakes up I prison and the guy who had the ring taunts him
he sees the ambassador but he's busted up
don grabs the rig guy but his arm gets beat
he then hears the ambassador screaming
they're b0ning him
later these priests come in to give don last rites
but its really the sword trainer guy and his fat homie
later they come out ,bust the guard, and free don
they free the ambassador b kicking the guards into the cell and b0ning them down offscreen
they just did that to clear out the guards and get the keys
they find the ambassador being tortured on the rack with hot pokers
don and friends waste the guards and don fights and wastes the ring guy
they escape
later the queen is in a cathedral or chapel and praying
don meets with the guys he trained and plans a counter to win back freedom
the midget sez everyone knows he got out and the duke is on the edge
but theres a way in the palace in this wall
duke wants to have the king sign over his country to him
but the queen wont go with it
so duke takes her
the midget lures out a guard and the guard is iced
when the other guard comes out, he too gets it
the midget asks where the queen is and the guards say the chapel
then more men come in
good guys
do sneaks men by and when guards come, they get it
more men come out and they sword fight
I like how the good guys ice people
nowadays they'd make some candy a55 way of having the bad guys wack themselves
also the midget sticks his sword up a guy's a55
the midget tells don the queen is being taken to the dungeon place
in one scene don dumps a flaming wall carpet on the guards
do faces the mini boss(the dukes main man)
he wins easy
don the faces the duke in an epic battle
btw the music is really great
duke pulls a dagger on don but he can take it
miniboss throws a dagger at don but don gets it and uses it
don shanks the duke with a blade of his own will on purpose
no cheap way of making it the bad guy's accidental suicide
don meets with queen and they kiss
don is leaving as he cant have the queen
after some mushy lovey dovey talk, the queen sez madrid is better after he was in it
she wants to go with him but don sez no
later don is out with his homie and they might go to a university to write his memoirs
on the way there he passes a chick and goes after her
he sez theres a little don juan in every man
and as he's don juan theres more in him
he rides off after the chick
the end
that was fun
upbeat, happy, positive, no forced sad moment
plus cool sword fights and good wit
the sets and music was great
and the color was bright
I enjoyed it
this is based on actual events right?
also I notice the whole "loves one chick he cant have but goes out b0ning others" thing was used in hokuto no ken with jyuuza
for don juan 2 id like it if the queen has found out the king is secretly queer after she caught him b0ning the midget and she goes off to find the don juan. the rest of the movie is her going from place to place trying to find him and fixing issues with the village like malcontent rulers and wasteland warriors

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Deliverance Review

note; yeah I spell bad. but I beat over 100 sega genesis games! so I win!
this is my review on deliverance
it starts with some guys camping complaining about progress overcoming nature being bad
hope someone butt b0nes em dead
we get a lot of landscape shots
and a few construction ones
holy f
Wallace Worsley was on this
I assume its his son
the campers ask if theres any hillbillies out there
is this gonna be like wrong turn 1-6?
I liked the 1st one
and wanna see the other 5
they meet a guy at a wood building and he asks em if they are from the power company
these campers (in Atlanta(a confederate state))view themselfes as superior to the jolly simple folk living in the area
I think 1 guy is inbred
they play "dueling banjo's" with the inbred guy
I actually like this
its simple and complex
1 guy wants drivers for something and this guy sez to get the grinder bros
super grinder bros 64
sounds like a p0rn0
dueling banjo' picks up and gets epic
some guys dance to it
this place reminds me of my grampa's farm in Canada
with the used license plates and earthy tones and wood everywhere
after the song, they go an 2 guys talk about insurance
they see an old lady who probably remembers the slavery days
they meet a redneck and ask him to drive their cars t where they are gonna canoe to
the redneck sez they shouldn't
he offers 30$ to drive the cars but the redneck wants 50$
he sez; 50 my a55 and they agree to do it for 40$
these city slickers think they are better than the kindly rednecks
the main guys drive around but cant find the river
the main guys are burt reynolds and jon Voight
bimmy and jimmy
burt looks like stevan segall
they find the river
burt sez; u gotta lose urself to find anything
brt sez in a few months the river will be done
as they set up the canoe one guy worries the cars might not be there when they're done
how honest people were in the 70s
if this were new York or California; the cars would be stolen and b0ned
they canoe
along the way they see the inbred banjo player on a bridge above em
they go through some rough water
after that they chat about life
burt asks jon why he goes on trips with him
burt catches a fish with a bow and arrow
elf style
at night they think they hear something but aint sure
its bigfoot!
its gonna b0ne em!
the next day jon sees a deer and nearly arrowed it
but f's up
he returns to camp and they chat about how some people cant kill animals
they canoe out
jon and the fatty meet some hicks and they say the river they on is going the wrong direction
the city boys assume the hicks have a still and are making moonshine
the hicks take offense
things escalate and the hicks take em a few feet away
they tie up 1 guy and hold the fatty at gunpoint
if the city guys had a firearm they could defend themselves
the hicks get fatty to undress and cut jon with a knife
the hick then b0nes fatty while having some animal rolepay
wants him to "squeal like a pig"
does this mean he likes b0ning pigs?
they both make pig sounds during the b0ning
man this is f'd up
we never see the parts though
jon notices the other 2 guys going by in the canoe
the hicks untie jon and say he's got a pretty mouth
at gunpoint they get ready to b0ne his mouth butt burt ices the hick with a bow/arrow
the bad teeth hick books it but the arrowed one bites it
burt sez the hicks would've iced em
1 guy wants to come clean to the cops
burt sez if they do so, the jury trial might have his inbred relatives in it
the guy sez hiding a body sets him up for a murder charge and this aint a game
burt wants to get rid of the body
this is like I know what you did last summer
he sez the hick wont go to the cops as he'd have to mention his b0ning
its said the hick might return with more guys
as in a few months the whole area will be a lake, it makes sense to bury him
they decide to vote
democracy doesn't always mean whats right
the fatty sez he don't want word getting out about him being b0ned
and jon chooses to bury him
they carry his body over a river and through the woods
they dig a shallow grave with their bare hands
you know, they could cook and eat him
that'll dispose of the evidence
I wonder what happened to that hicks family?
he may have sodamized a guy but i'm sure he had people who cared for him
they go through the river but the guy who wanted to come clean don't wear a life jacket
he falls in and the canoe he was in busts on the rocks
they go into the river
its just jon
he goes through the rocks and water
all of em went in the water
the gang reunites except the gut who went in 1st
they say he was shot
j fk time!
burt Reynolds busts his legs and jon Voight tries in vein to save the guy
fatty sez the guy from b4 with bad teeth iced the guy who went in
and he's up there waiting for em
fatty wants to send jon out but he cant make it on his own
they're trapped and only jon can take out the hick
he knows where they are
so they know where he's gonna be
jon goes up at night with a bow/arrow
he wakes up the next day and sees someone with a gun
he struggles with aiming and flails around
the guy shoots at him and he falls and gets skewered with an arrow
the guy comes for him but bites it as he had an arrow in his neck
jon Voight notices the guy has teeth so its not the guy from b4
but then notices they are fake
he lowers the body down on a rope and goes down on the rope
but the rope breaks and they go into the water
fatty helps him out and asks if its the guy from b4
neither know
they dump the body and leave with burt in the surviving canoe
as they go on they find the twisted bod of the guy who went in from being shot
it has a wound that might be from the bullet or a rock
as people can tell which it is, they ditch his body in the river
aw f
he had a fam
jon sez; he was the best of us
imagine if they said; see you in h-ll!
they go through rough water
they reach the end
jon sez to agree that right around there the guy broke his leg and the guy bit it
so the cops don't look up river
they travel further
they get to a place with people and go to the hospital
after getting patched up they has dinner with some hicks and jon has issues
some lady talks about a foot long cucumber
later fatty sez they cops don't believe em
fatty and jon fight a bit over what he told em and about finding the canoe upstream
one hick sez the guys are lying
his relative is missing from hunting upstream days ago
later this hick drives em through the empty part of town and sez its gonna be covered in water
some buildings are being moved
they visit burt Reynolds and he might lose the busted leg
he tells jon Voight he don't recall anything from the last set of rapids
theres a cop behind em btw
fatty offers to drive back the iced guys car but jon does it
a cop talks to em about why they have 4 life jackets
jon sez the guy wasn't wearing his
the cop tells em to never return
later jon is in the woods by the river and sees em moving coffins
later he is seen with his fam and he later sees a hand emerging from the water
he wakes up
its just like Friday the 13th
the film ends with the water
that was pretty good
low speed and good pacing
good build up
no loud hard moments
no sad moment or tacked on love story
its automatically better than most films today
for deliverance 2 i'd like for the hick they iced's body to float up to the surface and its found by a southern witch. she uses a spell to bring it back ad she can sense it bit it in a state of anger. she brings it back as a rotting mess who goes around b0ning people dead. it can sense the guys who were there and buried him and hunts em down one at a time and b0nes em dead. burt Reynolds character committed seppuku as he couldn't handle being an amputee and jo Voight's character was b0ned so hard he ruptured and splattered. when he gets to fatty, fatty uses holy items and is able to send the rotting b0ning monster back to h-ll after an epic battle as he is now a big buff hulk Hogan guy who trained after being b0ned so he wouldn't get b0ned again.