Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Captain Kidd Review

note; I spell piratey
captain kidd
this is my review of captaoin kidd (from 1945)
its got Charles laughton from a buncha 30s films I reviewed b4
accord Wikipedia; Khrushchev sez this was one of stalins fave films
not sure that's something a film wants to be known for
although I hear kim jong il liked team America
the director of this also did
in love with love (sounds like a p0rn0)
three sinners (Churchill, f dr and stalin?)
loves of an actress(more p0rn0)
the wolf of wall street (the 20s ver, not the one with candy a55 leo)
a dangerous woman(cuz of aids?)
ladies love brutes(violent p0rn0)
The Return of Dr. Fu Manchu (didn't he bite it in the last movie?)
the guilty generation(sounds like a teen prison film)
that night in London(where you got b0ned)
the cot of monte cristo (I wanna review dat)
the three musketeers(30s ver but I think I reviewed the 40s ver)
love from a stranger(p0rn 0h??)
mother carey's chickens(interspecies xxx)
son of Frankenstein (which was good)
son of monte cristo (aka monte cristo gx)
and powder town(sounds like cocainum)
ooh its got john carridine in it
and its fullscreen
it starts with credits on boat sails and good music
then in ,Madagascar for years, boats from india were jacked by pirates
captain William kid (billy the kid??)takes out a boat and torches it
like thugs did in LA and Baltimore after trials didn't go the way they wanted
kidd hides the treasure in a cave
but b4 its berried his men wanna see its still got the treasure in it
so he shows em
b4 its berried 1 guy sez kidd otta leave the key there so they don't gotta trust him
so he caps him and berrys him with the treasure
he sez a few words for him while blaming him for being greedy
then its in the distant future year of the 1699
around when the 1st Castlevania game happened
kidd gets tips from a stuffed shirt to be a gentleman
at least he's got pip from great expectations
he pays him 60 quid a year
is that slang for squid?
later kid is hired to sail with some homie to guard him on a trip to Madagascar
hope he don't get b0ned by chris rock as a zebra
kidd claims hes innocent of pirating and never went to Madagascar
also the leader of the boat he burned was the real pirate
and now he wants the boat leader lord blayne's land and title and cr-p
he jokes about the kings homies and king lols but 1 wants to kill kidd
he claims not to fight but dominates the homie in 1 move
so kidd gets hired to go and defend cr-p and wants a crew of pirates sentenced to hang
as they will be super loyal if pardoned after
me; how do we know these men are real bad guys?
remember mutiny on the bounty?
or captain blood?
many innocent men were executed despite being innocent
so in jail 1 guy b-ches about the cr-ppy food and get chained up
kidd likes his chutzpa
the jailed complain at the jail guy and he threatens them with stringing em by their thumbs for talking
this is why America was founded
cuz of evil brits like this
kidd wins the jailed with a speech to come on his boat
man we're 20 mins in
good pacing
so the jailed are freed from chains
the food guy sez he was a master gunner on a good boat b4
and he can write
this guys a Castlevania batman
then he and other guys bathe together
then povey, a guy kidd thought bit it, comes in and signs on for the mission
kid left him on a reef years ago
povey sez kid left him so he wouldn't have to share his treasure
an kidd sez he took out the other 2 guys
and he wants to be a lord
but povey sez he has a letter to be opened if he don't return
the letter sez what kidd did
man, Charles is good at playing bad guys
he's good in this
as henry 8
and the only other film I saw him in was hunchback of noter dame
but he was good as a good guy in that too
so kidd wrotes on his kill list povey's name
2 others are crossed out
2 others are not
later its dinner and kidd uses candy a55 brittish social cr-p to bully his men
making everyone wait for him and making them stand for him
why not just tell them to let him b0ne them?
kidd needs to be reminded to eat proper brit style
food guy sez he as a pirate and guilty
after dinner kidd sez food guy should toast to the king
but he don't like the evil ruler of soviet England and don't consent
so kidd forces him
after they drink he busts his glass and books it
this makes kidd think food guy is the kings spy
later stuffed shirt sez to food guy he knows hes a gentleman
and that kid thinks hes a spy
food guy wonders why kidd would fear being spyd on
later food guy trains the men to use cannons
smart, hates the king, good with guns, is he American?
kdd asks food guy where to land and one of kids homies sez "don't u remember? if we land there..."
kidd silences him claiming he never was there, then calls him a "blundering A55"
thats a55phobic
using a55 as an insult
he must hate a55es
as in male donkeys
later kidd sez theres a ship of treasure taken from the east by england that he wants to jack
so England enslaving the 3rd world and stealing their treasure with unfair taxes is ok
but kidd taking it makes him the bad guy
later a rope comes by kids window and he pulls it
it wacks a guy by cr-p falling
and the guy was on his kill list
he crosses the guys name off
later he says good things about him
then food guy gets his job
later he goes through kiddz (spelled with a Z as ki dd s is turned into kids by candy a55 autocorrect)things and finds the kill list
but kidd finds him and pulls a gun on him
food guy sez he works for the king as the king wont trust anyone with a boat of ex cons
and he knows the iced guy was on purpose
but he offers to team with him for half his treasure
and he knows of the boat that was looted at the start of da movy
later food guy tells someone he lied about being a kings man and knows kidd don't believe it
and kidd to his homies sez he sensed something about food guy
and writes his name on his kill list
later they come by a boat and go there to meet the homies there
kidd sez they saw pirates be and "beet 0ff to em"
I assume that means something else in the 1600s
but here is sounds purvurted
on the boat is a chick who sez she thinks she knows food guy
the other boat captain sez to let kidd look after his treasure with 1 million pounds and the chick
also 1 of kiddz men lights a candle in the other boats ammo room
the boat blows apart with miniature effects that look way better than cr-ppy cg
later the chick is worried about the guys b0ning her
stuffed shirt reveals hey never fought any pirates like kidd claimed
now she knows kidd iced her boat (her dad was captain) and stuffed shirt sez to get help from food guy
he reveals captain kidd iced his dad too when he torched and looted that boat b4
and he was on it
he tells her to fake not knowing and be nice to kidd
later  main I mean food guy fights 1 of kids homies and kidd and povey watch
food guy ices him and he falls out da window
and kidd sez he did well protecting the chick
later food guy sez his medallion with the blayne crest came off in da fight
and if kidd finds out he'd ice him
so he tells stuffed shirt to get chick to soviet England
kidd crosses off the name of the homie food guy iced
food guy and kidd and I think purvo or w/e the guys name was go back to the treasure
food guy sez da crest on the treasure is blaynes
kidd sez he has food guys crest but food guy sez he traded a ring 4 it
kidd sez blayne 1 turned prate and pulls a gun on food guy
but food guy sez its a lie, rushes him and they fight
but povey knocks food guy in the ocean
later at dinner he lies to chick about food guy
later 2 guys feel for food guy biting it
but he comes in saying he hid beside da boat
he and stuffed shirt go to chick and plan to escape to a pirate town then soviet England
food guy and chick escape in a boat but r sighted
stuffed shirt tries to stop kidd from cannoning em but kid wastes him
food guys boat is hit so he swims with chick
kidd chex da wreckage and assumes who left bit it
crosses off food guy from his list
there can be, only 1.
so kidd eventually returns to England
and king asks about the chick, who's the queens godchild
kidd sez she turned evil and her ship blew
king also asks of the ship he sunk at the start
and shows he has the blayne treasure
and povey bit it defending it, saying it wasn't his
food guy and chick come out and kidd is arrested and tried
later kidd is gonna be hung and saying cr-p
then it cuts to king hearing kidd bit it
food guy is the new lord blayne and king thanks him
the end
that was pretty good
good adventure and night high points of action
modern films need non stop action as now everyones adhd
but this had good pacing, flow and twists
Charles is great as the evil brittish captain and the rest of the cast fits
it reminds me a bit of that 5s blackbeard film I reviewed as the title character is the bad guy and the heroes are lesser characters
plus no tacked on, over the top, bummer moment to make us feel down in a movie that don't need it
I liked it and think it does a good job telling the story
although the heroes escape through the pirate town and kidds trial were just skipped
but the film is a good length and adding that would f it up
for captain kidd 2 I want it to be revealed that kidd survived being executed by promising 1 guy (a ninja )there his hidden treasure if he frees him. the guy takes out everyone there and eats their faces so no one will know who really bit it. they then work behind the scenes to spread word that blayne said words against the king in the 1st movie. the king finds out and is going to have him drawn and quartered for it. he escapes and finds out kidd is still alive and goes on a journey to take him out for ruining him. also its a 16 bit action game on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Atari jaguar with you playing as the hero of the 1st movie and go through varius places to try to find clues by taking out people and finding hidden areas in freaky geman expressionist style towns like the golem(1920 movie). ad the game boss is captain kidd who is now rally big and buff like hulk Hogan from working out and eating those who he feels wronged him.

Sunday, May 27, 2018

Brokeback Mountain Review

note; this review has b0ning and typoes. as do all my others
brokeback mountain
this is my review on brokeback mountain
its from the director of the 2003 hulk movie
and stars the joker from the dark knight
and has catwoman from the dark knight rises
when this came out in the mid 00s it was talked about a lot
mostly as sodomy jokes
a decade later Justin Bieber and Justin trudeau have filled that hole
after this came out, everyone thought heath ledger really was gay cuz he played 1 guy in 1 movie
by playing a role doesn't mean you really are what you play
no one thought Anthony Hopkins really ate people after his several movies
and no one thinks tommy Wiseau is weird after he... ok bad example
so heath ledger and jake gylinthal get work looking after sheep in the distant future year of 1963
they work on a place called broke back mountain
and randy quaid is the headmaster of the thing
jake gilynthal plays jack twist and heath plays ennis
those sound like p0rn0 names
last year jake worked here and lightening iced a buncha sheep
and did rodeo
and he disappoints his dad often
after a montage of them working sheep heath sez hes getting married to his gf after this job
later while getting supplies, heath encounters a big black bear and books it
he gets back to camp late jake busts his a55
they lost most food so jake suggests eating a sheep
but heath bags an elk
later jake b--ches about his looking after the sheep
so heath switches jobs with him
later heath sez he shot a coyote big enuff to eat a camel
with testickles the size of apples
if they showed it there would be animal commies whining
later heath tells his life story
heaths dad didn't think much of rodeo guys so jake acts like an inbred hick and jumps around as a joke
that's racist
also jake is Pentecostal and heath is Methodist
heath gets drunk and spends the night at jakes camp
but it gets cold so he goes in jakes tent
later they wake up and jake gets his jeans off
then heath ledger b0nes his a55
note how jake automatically bent over
I don't think this is his 1st rodeo
when heath gets back he finds a sheep ripped open and its organs eaten
had he not got drunk, he would've saved the sheep
later he sez his b0ning jake is a one shot thing and both men say they aint queer
but, they're b0ning eachother
its like a guy who only eats meat saying hes not a carnivore
also in black like me, the guy who tried b0ning the main guy said the same thing, after trying to b0ne him
later they b0ne again and playfully wrestle afterward
but randy quaid is watching
later randy tells jake his uncle has pneumonia
but as jake cant do anything about it, he stays
later theres a storme and after it, the sheep are mixed with some other sheep
later it snows and jack sez randy said his uncle recovered
and to come back down as a worse storm is commin
but its only august
snow in august?
so much for global warming
on the way down they playfully wrestle and it leads to a fight
heaths nose gets blood
after returning the sheep, randy sez they were cr-ppy at it
heath sez hes gonna get married soon and try something
jake is gonna work for his dad
will heath tell his fiancé he cheeted on her?
they leave and heath has some kind of episode in an ally
then heath marrys his gf
then theres a montage of heaths married life
jake returns to randy for work but randy sez theres nothing for him
randy sez he was paying jake to watch his sheep, not b0ne heath
imagine if a security guard was supposed to be watching something but kept going off to b0ne the cashier
he wouldn't last
later heath has bred with his wife several times and they have a few kids
his wife wants to move for their daughters to have a better life
but heath cant afford it
btw I forgot to mention heath dropped outta high school
maybe he'd have a good job if he didn't
then he b0nes his wife
meanwhile, jake is at a rodeo and flirts with a rodeo clown who saved him
what is this? Robotech?
rick saves lisa and they fall in love?
later its independence day and heath and fam are watchin fireworks
but 2 lusty drunk guys talk about b0ning a lot in front of heaths fam
they also insult heath so he assaults them
cuz responding to words with violence is civilized
but if you've seen the dark knight, you'd know they got off easy
we've seen what heath ledger can do
later jake meets anne Hathaway
it reminds me of that Seinfeld scene
jerry! what r u doo ing?! ur with a wo man!!
jake then b0nes anne in a car
later heath has to leave his kids with his wife at work as hes called in
and his wife needs to get her sister to do her kids
later anne poops out jakes baby and her dad likes him but not the jake
later heath gets a poast card from jake and heath sez jake is his fishing buddy
I assume fishing is slang for butt stuff
heath replies jakes poast card and later heath waits for jake while smoking and drinking
jake comes by and they hug and make out
but heaths wife sees em
this is how springer eps go btw
remember the ep; i'm not gay, but my bf is?
then jake meets mrs heath b4 heath and jake go out to b0ne
that's pretty awful
he's married and cheeting on her
both are
its; forsaking all others, as long as you both live
not; forsaking all others until ur butt buddy is in town
when heath gets back, he and jake go to the mountain to b0ne
also he sez his foreman owes him after working in a blizzard at xmas so he wont get fired
mrs heath is pretty hurt by heaths cheeting
she did nothing wrong and she suffers
while out camping, jake suggests they ditch their wifes and go live on a ranch together
but heath don't wanna ditch his woman
yeah but he's ok cheeting on her
he tells a story of his childhood where these 2 guys were b0ning and 1 got beat dead
then they tied a rope to his thing and drove him around til it fell off
and his dad showed him the aftermath
although it could be him trying to keep his son from winding up like him
look at the 50s movie suddenly last summer
they allowed gayness to be shown as they saw it as warning of the dangers of it
so heaths marriage is having trouble
jake is selling farm equipment and tells anne heaths car cant make it to texas
also him and wife are not synchroing
later heath is going out to b0ne jake and mrs heath says theres a job at the power company
but heath don't want it
also his daughters want him to come to the church picnic after his fishing
later heath is b0ning his wife but she sez they might not have enough cash for another kid
sounds like you shouldn't be b0ning then
they stop and then divorce
lar heath meets jake after telling him of his divorce and jake wants to b0ne
but heath has his kids with him and only gets em 1x a month
jake gets bummed and drives off crying cuz he didn't get b0ned today
so he goes to mexico and him and a Mexican walk into the shadows
sorta like in the portrait of dorian gray where him an a midget walk upstairs and the door closes
later its thanksgiving and jake has dinner with his fam
he turns off the football game so his son will eat dinner
but grampa turns it back on and sez they dont eat with their eyes
and it'll make the son a man
so jake turns it off again
when  grampa goes to turn it on, jake gets p-ssed, and threatens grampa
what a c-cksucker
grampa otta beat his a55 in for dat
when I had dinner at my grandmas place I liked listening to and watching 90s cartoons like dragon flyz
its one of my better memories
at heaths thanksgiving his ex wife confronts him with evidence she knows they never went fishing
they never had any fish and she tied a note to his line
and the note was untouched after he came back
he grabs her and nearly beats on her
then threatens her new man if he tries to help
eventually he storms out and is nearly run over by a guy as he jaywalks
then assaults the driver
but the driver wins the fight
holy f
this guys demented
he cheets on his wife and nearly kills her and her bf for knowing it
she did nothing wrong and suffers
is heath the bad guy in here?
is this how he became the joker?
later heath is out with jake and jake has a moustache
he looks like a p0rn0 actor
also this is the 70s now
heath is paranoid of others knowing hes queer
so jake suggests coming to live with him in texas
heath sees it as silly
later heath dances with some waitress and gives her a foot rub
he tells her he's neutering cattle
are their teskisles as big as apples too?
what do you do with the parts after u pull em off?
later jake and another guy are at a dinner with their women
he flirts with the other guy when their wifes aint around
other guy suggests going to a cabin
later waitress meets heaths daughter
on the ride back, daughter wants to live with heath as moms new bf don't like her
but heath don't consent
later heath and jake are out camping and heath tells jake about his gf
and jake isn't getting along with anne
bw theres good make up in making it look like its years later
as they leave heath sez he cant be back to b0ne jake til November
jake gets p-ssed about noit being able to be b0ned by him til then
but heath cant quit this job nor get time off
he has responsibilities
jake reveals hes been to mexico
heath gets p-ssed ad se he could kill him
jake gets p-ssed that they didn't live together the last 20 years despite them both having wives
they fight and have a flashback to then years ago cuddling on their 1st time on brokeback mountain
man jake really gets upset that he cant get b0ned enough
later heath dumps waitress and breaks her heart
what a c-cksucker
she loved him and he hurt her like that
this guys awful
later heath finds out jake bit it
he calls anne and she sez his tire broke and when fixing it, the rim came off and busted his face
he drowned in his own blood
but heath thinks a buncha guys beat him dead
even though theres no proof of that
and the rim coming off and busting his face would be hard to fake
now the movie tries to make us feel for heath
but after when he put his wife and gf through, I got no sympathy for him
so they burned his corpse and he wanted to be throw out at brokeback mountain
but no one knew where it was or if it was real
so heath goes to get half his ashes from jakes rents
the other half are with anne
jakes dad sez jake wanted to have heath live on the farm
but then he got another guy he wanted to live on the farm with
also he wanted to ditch his wife
hes cheeting on his wife, AND the guys he's cheeting on his wife with
that's totally springer
like grandma stole my boyfriend
this guy was b0ning his gf, her mom and her grandma
thats pretty awful
so heath goes to jakes childhood room an finds jake kept heaths blood stained shirt from the nose blood from b4
heath thought he lost it
why didn't jake tell him he had it?
was it like in hey Arnold how Helga has a buncha stuff from Arnold in her closet?
hats how stalkers and serial killers start
both these guys were unbalanced
jakes dad sez jakes going in the family plot and mom sez for heath to see em again
also heath takes back his shirt
later heaths daughter comes by and sez shes getting married
he sez he's gonna quit his work to be at her wedding
he keeps the shirt jake stole from him in his closet and talks to it at times
the end
that was well produced
well acted
well directed
and it won ang lee the Oscar
wtf anna ferris was in this?
lol one name; chris bang
sounds like a p0rn0 name
also heath wasn't even really gay in here
he only kept getting seduced by jake gylinthal
he had a gf he was gonna marry b4 he met jake
jake was the gay one
he kept going out to get b0ned by all those guys
yet no one says the real jake gynilinthal was gay
but this was a well made film
too bad its about guys cheeting on their wifes and being violent/disgruntled
its the highest acclaimed episode of jerry springer ever
for brokeback mountain 2 I want it to be set in the 90s where heaths grandkid is unbalanced and they go on a talkshow to get help. on the show the team does some digging and finds out about heath and jake being butt buddies for 20 years. they spring it on heath and his ex wife comes out and they fight. also they bring out jakes ashes and jakes kid, wife and many exbutt budies. heath cant take it and snaps and begins violently beating people and takes the jar of jake. he tries running to brokeback mountain to deliver jakes ashes but the cops and security are after him. its also an 8 bit Gameboy game like the power rangers ones where you play as heath and go around eating people up who try to stop you from taking jakes ashes.and instead of a lives meter, you have only so much of jakes ashes and each time u get hit, they fall out.

Saturday, May 26, 2018

On The Ice Review

note; I never saw this b4 but read of it on a wiki. also trypoes
on the ice
this is my review for on the ice (from 2011)
I saw a commercial for it and it looked cool
other than a bit of reading and an add I don't know anything about this
wtf its 18+
and that's the soviet Canadian rating
so its set in Alaska in a frozen mad max wasteland
in school the natives have a traditional ceremony
btw, have you ever heard of the tunit?
i heard legends of em
a race of 3 foot tall people living in the north before the inuit came
they were said to have vanished after the climate naturally changed 1000 years ago and the ice melted
but I hear there are still sightings today
so these 2 guys are modern teens
smoking chronic and crack
b0ning fat chicks pregnant
the usual
they hang with their homies and talk about hunting and then they start rapping
and no they aint black
the guys talk about b0ning chicks and it escalates to mom jokes and violence
then they laugh and drive off on snow mobiles
this is kinda like the crow
but instead of Detroit its the north
both are kinda slummy though
later the 2 guys go home and one drinks booze
he then pours it on his mom/sister/gf/any combination of the 1st 3's b00b
its really widescreen
like half the screen is black bars
later the 2 guys have dinner with I think their dad after a prayer
they plan on going seal hunting
a lot of animal commies wanna ban the seal hunts
1st; many tribes up there depend on it to survive
2nd; if whites don't have a seal hunt every year, the seal overpopulate and use up too much fish
so them both humans AND seals starve
some times u gotta cut off a finger to save a hand
so then the guys go to a party of a guy who's rents are outta town
at it they have a rapping about being artic thugs
later 1 guy goes out and its still day
I assume its the whole 30 days of night thing where it stays sunny for weeks
then a girl tells him the sun don't set til august
this sounds like something i'd hear in Robotech 2 the sentinels on one of those weird a55 alien planets
he then sees his grandma who speaks her native language while he speaks English
they then play cards
the next day (I think, theres no sunset so i'm not sure) he goes hunting and his homies left b4 him
so he goes across the wasteland on his motorcycle I mean snowmobile
as he goes to them he's attacked and fights
in the fight a knife is pulled and the knife guy gets bashed with a shovel
knife guy gets tackled and I the fall, gets it in the skull
well, that went south quick
I think the grandma guy survived but i'm not sure as all 3 guys dress the same
oh and the dead guys were on drugs
theres a crack pipe there
and shoveled guy isn't dead
shoveled guy(I think his friend from b4) sez knifed guy was drunk so he drove snowmobile
but hes drunk too(but not as drunk)
shoveled guy freaks out at how he's gonna go to jail and beats the corpse
he then tries to eat his rifle
but main guy saves him
hes given up on life
but main guy suggests not taking dead guy back
hey get the body on the snowmobile and dtive to an opening in the ice
them push it in
they dump the body and return to the village
shoveled guy sez corpse was drunk, didn't see a crack, fell through the ice, and shoveled guy jumped off b4 it went in
man we're like 40 mins in
but nothing much happened
good pacing
kinda like alien
da cops take em out to find him
ant there giant 100foot long squids up under the ice?
or is that the south pole?
I know they caught a 40 foot squid that wasn't near fully grown
later I think its finally getting dark and corpses dad is freaking out
according to Wikipedia, the tunit were giants
I recall hearing they were 3 feet tall
although them being giants could mean a relation between the children of fallen angels and people that many cultures world wide have tales of
so the homies tell the cops their story
shoveled guy sez his face bruise was from hitting ice when he jumped
cop tells em how shoveled guy's dad bit it by 30 from booze
and main guy is gonna disappoint many people if he gets involved
this is why I don't drink btw
I can go through a whole 2liter carton of chocolate milk in a few hours
if I did booze i'd be dead
btw errol Flynn bit it at 50 from smoking and drinking
but this guy bit it at 30!?
later a chick talks to shoveled guy asking about the corpse
he has enuff and books it
chick tells main guy she broke up with corpse at the party cuz he kept trying to b0ne 15 year old girls
she blames herself for him biting it but main guy sez he knows it wasn't
also she tells him he cant tell anyone
then they make out
later shoveled guy is drunk and told his baby momma he killed the corpse
main guy takes him home and he keeps saying he did it when his mom is there
mom (in a tank top with her bra straps showing) tells main guy to go, but then that he has to help her son
main guy goes home and his rents smell shovel guys booze on him
dad sez he went back and the tracks look like someone dug it up
also the winds have made them call off the search
mom sez main guy goes to college in 4 months and they cant let it get f'd
later shoveled guy is shook up and still cant remember what happened
main guy sez if shoveled guy raises his kid right it'll make up 4 it
shovel guy don't care as main guy is leaving soon
later main guys dad checks the gun and it has a round fired shell case
later, main guy sees a guy dump trash in a dumpster, calls his dad saying he wants to talk, and gets the trash
he sees the chick he made out with and probably b0ned
she sez he cant tell anyone they b0ned and leaves
he tells his dad the chick broke up with the corpse and she thinks he suicided
dad sez he did the right thing telling him
man this is like the tell tale heart
this guy knows the truth and its eating him up
later theres a gathering and corpses dad tells shovel guy its not his fault
later main guy spends the night at his grandmas
after waking up he tells grandma his friend bit it
later baby momma sez shovel guy broke up with her and sed her baby is corpses baby
she thinks that's why he wacked him
later main guy finds shovel guy about to buy drugs
dealer threatens him after main guy sez he'd turn him in if dealer sells to shovel guy
main guy fights shovel guy
then sez he iced corpse after he thought shovel guy bit it
hovel guy runs away
at home dad and main guy talk and main guy sez he fired his gun to get someones attention when he though he saw someone
dad gets him to go hunting
on the hunt with shovel guy, dad tells a story of how his gun used to be shovel guys dads gun
he lost it to him in a race
but the night b4, shove dad overfed main dads dogs walrus meat
and he didn't get a rematch as shoveler bit it b4
then main dad shows em he found corpse and attacks shovel guy for getting his son into this
but main guy sez it was him
dad tells em get a battery to weigh down corpse
but main guy wants to bring him back
but shovel guy gets a gun and has main guy tapehis own feet together
then shovel guy ties his hands together
I should mention if it wernt for drugs and alcohol, none of this would happen
but shovel guy sez he's bringing him back and taking the heat as he started the fight cuz he was on drugs
he throws main guy a knife and drives away
main guy cuts himself loose and walks back after him
then credits play as main guy walks the wastelands of ice
the end
I gotta say
this was pretty good
unexpected twists
human flawed characters
realistic reactions
its kind of like a law and order episode
I liked it
its not a "fun" movie
but its well made and well told
I don't recall much music to it but it has kind of a presence to it
like a less exaggerated score to john carpenters the thing
plus it has rap and teens being teens until they have to get serious
I think the comic relief shovel guy going dark and guilt ridden is a good twist
its like in degrassi how spinner or jt deal with deadly issues after being the fun ones b4
for on the ice 2 I want the main guy from the 1st one to be walking back but gets caught by a spiritual episode and goes through a dante's inferno like experience of dealing with his feelings and past and the choices he made in his life. also its a 16 bit shoot em up game like wings of wor or thunderforce 4 lightening force on sega genesis and super Nintendo and Atari jaguar and turbo grafix 16 cd with him going through various trippy levels of his mind with many layered meanings and various legendary creatures and items from their culture.

Thursday, May 24, 2018

A League Of Their Own Review

note; base ball s-cked!
a league of their own
this is my review for a league of ther own
I never saw this b4 but heard of it on the much music or mtv or w/e show "back in" where they talked about 80s/90s cr-p
its got geena davis from beetle juice and
shes kind of a 5kank
makes sailor venus look... like a virgin!!!
its directed by the daughter of garry marshal, happy days creator
so it starts with these chicks talking
rosie o donnel is in this
wtf hans zimmer did the music
so this chick goes to a baseball game
played by chicks
I don't even like normal base ball
and now its baseball lite?
so then we get a memory of ww2 how baseball might be shut down for the war
whats more important?
playing catch?
or saving the world?!
imagine if Spider-Man just left some kids to die in a fire cuz hes playing sega
then its 43 and some chicks are playin baseball
spoiler; they s-ck
but the next player does better
after the game the chicks go back to the farm and milk cows
btu jon lovitz comes by as a base ball scout
but he doesn't want the player who s-cked
but the good player wants her on an a ball thrower
also threy'd make more than 2x as much as a b baller than a cow milker
they take a train to colorodo on their way to Chicago
there, chixcks are being trained to b ball
they otta use weighted clothing to increase their speed and skill
1 guy there sez if his daughter was a boy, they'd be in the big leagues
sounds like gender issues
lovitz turns down a good layer cuz shes gross looking
her dad sez he raised her like a boy
but the main chix get jon to reconsider
that's good logic, only getting stuff that looks good
that's why rise of the robots on sega was so good
played like a55 but had good graphixcs
they meet rosie and I think Madonna and argue
one throws a ball at main chix but the good player catches it with 1 hand
then we get some 1800s chixcks saying women in sports is gonna make em too manly
well look how things are nowadays
they were right! lol
then we get a training montage
then the main characters made da team
but 1 gurl cant read and don't know if shes on da list
she is
they reveal the uniform and for the 40s its too sexy
also theres no smoking drinking or b0ning
and they get make overs to look good
then tom hanks gets put in charge of a girls b ball teem
he busted his knee an used to be a ballplayer and drunk
later b4 da game tom hanks comes in and p-sses in the urinal for a long time
its so long they time it
what is this? autism powers international man of mystery?
he doesn't give em a line up and they make it themselves
they go out the crowd heckles em
so one chick throws a b ball at a guy saying words
I hate how chicks act violent when someone says words hey don't like
very uncivilized
then we get a newsreel telling us about the team
1 player needs to bring her son on road trips as her husband cant handle it
the kid is a fata55 who runs around screaming on da bus
the driver stops and walks off the job
1 chick tries to kill him with a bat
how feminist
also the kid eats too much chocolate
did they still put crack in candy in the 40s?
so the girls poison this higher rank womans food and makes her puke
I think its her chaperone
they go dancing while she suffers
1 teen who's driving offers to b0ne this chick
the almost b0ned chick warns the dancing chicks the lovitz is coming
if caught breakin da rules they're outta da league
also the gross chick is drunk and singing
so later its a game and tom hanks is not as drunk as usual
he gets more into commanding the team
one chick screws up and tom tirades her
so she crys
so he yells about him being calls a pile of pig sh-t by a manager at a game
1 guy tells tom to be nice to these chicks
so he sez he looks like a pee ness with a hat
so tom gets kicked out
man tom hanks is kind of an a55
later a guy sez something wrong and the chicks freak out over them maybe having to stop b ball
i'm not sure
I wasn't paying attention
later they leave church early for a game
tom sez; God knows we have a game
then we get a montage of they trying things to get more views
1 suggests her top falls open and her b00bs fall out
sounds like an anime idea
I think 1 gets married and goes off to breed with her husband til next season
that's why people get married
to breed
I gotta say, this montage is pretty good
way better than real baseball
once in high school we went to a baseball game
it was boring
ants hundreds of feet away playing catch
good thing I had my Gameboy advance and pokemon crystal
oh and f d r sez next year they wont need womens b ball
the war is going good
1 chick goes mental or something so tom hanks throws her in the shower and hoses her off
i'm not really paying attention
theres some more issues or something and the cr-ppy player gets traded
oh and 1 chick is in a dress that's tight by 40 standards
and plans to b0ne soon
lATER tom hanks finds he gets a bonus if they get to the world series
then a war department telegram guy comes in with a letter saying someone bit it in da war
tom hanks takes it and tells this chick named betty (who I have not recalled seeing b4) that her man bit it
oh joy
a tacked on forced sad moment in ths otherwise happy comedy
I hate that
that's why I liked commando with Schwarzenegger
no force sad time to bum us out
same with the 2004 Yugioh movie
and for some reason everyone hates those
so good player's husband returns and the hug
its kinda nice
makes me feel more positive
b4 this game, tom hanks signs a kids baseball
he writes to avoid a secks disease
better advice; stay a virgin!
so main chick (the good player(geena davis) )wants to quit
b4 the game, tom hanks leads them in a prayer
and then b4 the game the geen davis comes back
and tom hanks k o's the fat kid with a mitt
nowadays some wiener would get triggered by that
and him tirading the player
so they play the game in the final round of the tournament
mortal kombat!!
I think th ecr-ppy player is on the opposing team
she finally hits the ball on her 3rd try and runs around the square
but body slams into the final guard of the base
I think the cr-ppy player team won
I don't know baseball
and the head of the company funding gurls b ball sez they can keep doing it
maybe if they played in mini bikini's it would get views
cr-ppy player talks to the geenda davis and geena is gonna settle down and have kidfs
they reconcile and hug
btw the player kicked out of the team, working for a rival team and beating em, happened in real life
a Korean guy or w/e wasn't seen as good enuff for the winter Olympics a while ago
so he joined the modern soviet team and kicked their Korean candy a55
as they leave I notice a sign that sez "sold out"
looks like they didn't need the mini bikinis this time
wtf one teams logo is "dirt in the skirt"
sounds like they cr-pped themselves
what is this? the garbage pail kids?
then its the modern era of the 90s and the geezer chicks are the present versions of the team we just saw
they go to a b ball museum and holy c5r-p its fransis from pee wees big adventure
oh and tom hanks memorial is there for his b ball work b4 coaching
they open the womans area of the museum and the good and cr-ppy players reunite and hug
they take a picture and credits roll to 90s music that makes you feel
the end
tea leoni bill Pullman and harry shearer were in this
and Shirley walker from batman the animated series did music
that was pretty good
when I saw bridesmaids I hated it and felt it proved woman based movies were cr-p
but this and my little pony show it can work
I actually was kinda moved by it
it has heart and feels
well made despite me having no interest in baseball
the whole "past story booked ended by modern stuff reminds me of an idea I had
a movie where it starts with a grown man on a farm talking about the time he became the man he is today
and the rest of the film is a younger actor playing him in the past.
but what if casting screwed up and no one communicated with anyone
and they got a white guy as the adult and a black guy as the younger version of him.
to be fair; movies have screwed up worse b4
but I liked this
its actually most grand
for a league of their own 2 I want time travelers to come to the 1990s and want to see the team play. but they didn't know the difference between the 1990s and 1940s and talk to the people like its the 1800s as they think "the past is the past". they get shown around 1990s America and are surprised they have things like men and women playing on different teams and people eating meat and males allowed to be manly. they try to force heir future way on the 90s but are shocked when the people don't crumble and bow to their demands. so they try attacking people physically but as they don't eat meat they are wieners. so they summon a swarm of future commies to take em down and change the past. its also a 16 bit sega genesis and snes baseball based beat em up where you play as cool grannys and beat the future hippies up with baseball bats and throwing baseballs through their candy a55 bodies.

Thursday, May 17, 2018

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie Review

note; everyone hates this film. will I?? not enough to spell good
The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
this is my rebview on The Garbage Pail Kids moovy
I have not heard 1 positive thing about this
yet ive never seen it
I like cr-ppy movies so this could be for me
in 1987 we had The Garbage Pail Kids movie
in 2017 we had the emoji movie
what awaits us in 2047?
well its just after the 3rd Robotech war with the Invid
and around the time of blade runner gx
so it starts off by mgm who did Ben Hur, Wizard of Oz and All those Lon Chaney horror films
we get credits of the cast on trading cards
lol Valerie vomit is puking in a pot shes cooking in
btw this is like a parody of the cabbage patch kids that were super popular in the 80s
think of it like gooflumps books in the 90s like eat cheese and barf or stay out of the bathroom
I loved those
then we get a trashcan in space like power rangers
is this where they got it from?
then the can is in a store and oozing goo
imagine a parody of this where its about cr-p dolls that come out of a toilet
so a guy puts a diving head on the can to stop em
later this grade schooler is being bullied by 80s adults in their 20s
they steal from him and throw him in cr-ppy water
i'm surprised they don't just b0ne him dead
btw that's sean astins brother from lord of the rings
later the shop owner he works for gives him an African clothes as his are covered in cr-p
that's cultural appropriation!
hate crime!!!
and the kid wont tel the cops as the last guy who snitched on the bully got "poured into the west side highway"
wtf hes a killer?!
is he into dealing wit drugs and h00kers too?
so boss sez everything has value and hear and other Yugioh cr-p
he misses when swordfights were useful and hates guns and nukes
guess he aint a real American
kid nearly knocks over the can and boss tells of pandoras box
this is seeming a lot like hobgoblins
later kid tries to get an 80s chick to buy cr-p from the shop
he has a soft moment with her over some cr-p
I hear the kids dad, jon aston (from the Addams family) tried to keep his son outta it.
even the Addams family wont have this film
then the bullys come in and try to assault him for being nice to the 80s chick
but he fights em off with 80s hijinks and items
in the fight the can falls and slime comes out
not sure what body fluid that is for them
the bullys take him in the sewer and... i'm not sure what they do. the video is badly cropped
are they b0ning him?
they leave him k o ed and the sewer water is coming in
were they trying to kill him?!
and I thought kaiba from Yugioh was bad for building an amusement park of death traps to kill yugi as revenge for beating him in a card game and sending his soul to a dimension where it experienced being killed by demons
so these f'd up midgets save the kid
I gotta say, if this were done now, it would all be cr-ppy cg
also here they use real midgets instead of like lord of the rings where the cast is human sized
I was very aware elija wood is not 3 feet tall when watching it
they grab everything in the store and kid tries to stop em
then boss comes back from scoring some chronic or w/e and is p-ssed the kid let them out
he wants to get magic items for sealing em but they cant be found now
1 of em p-ssed on the floor
one is a gater person who eats eyes and toes
then boss give 14 year old kid a bath as hes covered in sewage
and all the midgets are there watching
boss sez they gotta avoid humans
and being ugly isn't whats on the outside, but the inside
to be fair; a lot of serial killers were able to seduce their victims
when kid sez he don't find em too ugly, Valerie vomit offters to make out
imagine if they were making out and she barfed down his throat!
mmmmmmm blaaaaaaa ahhhhhhhgghfgfjghfjhf!!
he might return her investment, with interest!!
then its the next day and 80s chick sez sorry for them leaving him for dead
they go shopping or w/e
they selling clothes
wtf her name is tangerine
is that her street name like in the crow or mad max?
she sells her shirt shows wearing and kid probably gets a b0ner as he sits down in shock
shes wearing a bra this time
then the bullys come by... again
kid avoids being seen by hiding in a duffel bag and they drive off
meanwhile its night and the midgets wanna eat
even though they were in that can for who knows how long w/o food
they steal a truck and take a guys pants but also crush an 80s guys car
they get hot dogs and pepsi
and the gater likes eating toes
shouldn't he be a snapping turtle then?
they have all these quips of attitude and slang
I like it
later kid returns and the midgets got him an 80s jacket
then later kid goes to see the chick as the bully leaves
she likes his coat and he sez he made it
shes also more attracted to him cuz of his coat
and wants to sell more of em for him
he tells da midgets he needs more outfits
then the midgets sing a song about doing anything by working together
and they steal tools and sewing machines
when kid returns theyre almost finished
then boss returns, tells kid he's going out, and leaves
such important cr-p
1 midget finds a tv and they try to hide it from kid
after he gores out they try fixing it with snot but it busts
so they wanna go out
in costumes
and the nerd p-ssed himself for like the 3rd time
so wearing trenchcoats and French hats makes em look human?
they go to a 3 stooges film
ew its got shemp
after dat theyre driving on a scooter and go to a bar
well the gater does
he bites off a guys toes
then gets caught and they're gonna skin him
but windy Winston or w/e comes in on the scooter busting through the wall like Kekko kamen
he beats up and poots on guys
being brave wins the bikers respect
back at the movie the midgets are f ing things up
lol the greaser one steals a kids wiener with his switchblade
as in he grabs the hot dog hes eating and scares em of with the blade
nowadays this would never be made
this movies bad a55 for a kids film
later the midgets and their biker homies return and kid gets em inside
the greaser one is seen going in last by the bullys or w/e
boss busts greasers a55 over being a bad leader and how they are only safe in the can
wait, its the gater, not greaser, whos the leader
they have a chai of command?!
and boss makes him swear an oath to not get in trouble
but hes not trustworthy
so then the ghoulies go around pranking people
and boss tries making rhymes to seal the midgets
later kid sez he worrys on whats gonna happen to da midgets
and theres more midgets in the "state home 4 da ugly"
so they all go searching for it
and suddenly there are uniformed guys catching uglies
that came from nowhere
boss and kid find the state home and r gonna go in after dark
but 1st kid goes with chick to sell more clothes to 80s music
I kinda like this music
later she smooches his head side
but bully wants him dead
then kid shows chick the midgets and sez they made da clothes
then midgets make clothes to 80s music
and she is offered a fashion show by someone and wants the clothes named after her
then she goes to bully and makes out
not sure if shes good or bad
she keeps switching
maybe its to show theres good and bad in us?
deep lesson from The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
then midgets are playing cards and they poot and p-ss
no cr-p?
i'm surprised they aint sh-tting all over eachother
they then aint gonna work until they find the state home
kid sez they did but they need a plan
kid and boss go to da home but are turned away by a guard
later chick says some jabs at the midgets for being gross look
also she implies she might b0ne da kid
the midgets wanna go in disguise but chick gets p-ssed and sez no
man she went full b--ch pretty quick
I think this might be a thing on how 1st world people don't mind getting items from da 3rd world but don't like the 3rd world people
clever introspection from The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
she locks em in and hides the key in her t-ts
they leave and the midgets (who were real c-ck suckers to random people b4) get bummed about it
oh and boss is in some room not knowing of any of this
then he gets spray gassed by bullys who go in and see the midgets
and catch greaser
back at he fashion show everyones in bad mad max/lady gaga anime outfits
bullys sold the midgets to he state home as people can be bought and sold for their looks
and the nerd whizzed himself again
wtf theyre gonna execute em in a trash compacter!
and theres a lab with experimentation
to be fair, many countries did worse to their own people
is.. is this a pro life thing?
how we discard those we see as sub human?
it could also be about how kids with cleft faces get treated like monsters in the 3rd world
or albinos being chopped up in Africa for their parts to be used in rituals (that's not a joke. it really happens)
and the abusers see it as ok as they dehumanize those they destroy
this film just got deep
so chick tells kid she gave bully da key and the midgets got sold to da home
kid shows good acting in his emotional response
also he takes a swing at the bully
man they really put a lot of effort in this film
he used to fear the bully but now is pushed too far
kid is taken away to be b0ned dead or w/e
btw if they got rid of the midgets then where will they get the clothes to sell?
they kinda f'd themselves in this plan
kid is thrown in a dumpster and left there
so he just gets out and leaves
boss got kicked out by the guard again and kid gets there
kid goes to the biker bar and gets reinforcements
inside the boss snuck in and ninja gaidens his way around
he finds the midgets but a guard finds him
so he takes him out and frees the kids who poot on the guard
the bikers pull open the bars with bikes
oh and the midgets free others in the home
bikers take em out and the midgets choose to get even with the fashion show dinks
I expect theyre gonna sh-t all over the place
main bully (named juice(like o j simpson?! no wonder people fear him!!) ) is ordering what I think are drugs from over the boarder
they take him out and go in the show
they rip off the clothes fro the models who are in 80s undies
1 guy calls the midgets ugly so windy Winston poots on the audience
after 73 minutes, Valerie vomit pukes on people
I loled
juice fights kid who's like a decade younger than him
he gets slugged out but the midgets help him weaken juice
then kid slugs juice a few times
btw kids name is dodger, like the oliver twist kid
boss takes kid away and kid cries after the stress of the night
he's probably gonna snap and go around eating people
chick follows him and sez sorry and the fashion show was a success
yeah a buncha hobgoblins barfing and pooting on everyone is a good thing for fashion shows
and she's learned the error of her ways
and wants to be friends
but kid don't find her hot anymore after seeing what a b--ch she really is
btw the whole, chick sides with big guy, smaller guy beats him, she goes after smaller guy, he don't care for her, thing was done in m d geist a year b4 this was made
later boss is gonna send them back in da can by playing music backwards
as he plays (with eyes closed) they walk out
and he gets his a55 stuck in da can
then he sez; u cant change da world by locking urself away
such a change of heart in only a few seconds
they drive off on scooters that are never explained and the credits play 80s music about us being garbage pail kids
the end
that wasn't so bad
I didn't see why everyone hated it
its just another gross silly 80s/90s comedy
beavis and butthead did worse and were loved
were the haters expecting it to be gone with the wind?
its The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
its kinda meant to be silly and crass
that's the point
its like complaining about star wars not using realistic technology
but I kinda liked it
a good silly lighthearted barf movie
to sound 90s, i say; this film was barfalicious
they never found the other gp kids
and the state home is still around
so much unresolved
better cr-p together a sequel
for The Garbage Pail Kids Movie 2 I want juice to want revenge on dodger and tangerine wants revenge for him saying he don't find her hot. they capture him and remove his arms/legs an use him as a toilet. the garbage pail kids sense he is in trouble and return to save him. we they find him they have a ritual to sacrifice themselves to become his new limbs and give him powers. so he can shoot barf from 1 arm and p-ss from the other. also he has a built in poot jetpack and his legs are the gater and greaser for power kicks. he then goes through several levels of taking out the juices drug gang and fighting people mutated by his drugs who are enslaved to him for more chronic. its also a 16 bit game like mega man on sega genesis and super Nintendo and Atari jaguar.

Saturday, May 12, 2018

Fire Maidens of Outer Space Review

note; I never saw this b4 but heard it s-cked
Fire Maidens of Outer Space
this is my review on Fire Maidens of Outer Space
its also called Fire Maidens frpm Outer Space
it starts with a plane and credits
I never heard of any of these people
then narrator sez America and soviet England were working on something together and had a nucular nerd working on it
its called plan 13 and is a mission to space
what is this?
plan 9 from outer space part 5?
so he gets to gaye olde englande and is driven in one of their backwards cars to someplace
then 1 guy sez the space ship should be ready in a 1 week
a week later and they are ready to do the nucular space cr-p
then why have a scene saying it will take a week?
is it like the room with it going from day to night to day to show its later?
cuz they can just use a title card or text saying "later dat week"
so eventually they launch
later they call the rocket on the phone
yeah, that works
1 scientist on the rocket sez they can make it to Jupiter in 03 weeks
will they cut to that next?
oh and they watch the earth they leave
then theres some space cr-p f ing em
meteors or something
you'd think they'd have scanned ahead b4 the mission
also i'd suggest jettisoning some weight
worked with astrotrain in the transformers movie
after the space cr-p they just kill time for a while
if this were the 90s they could've brought a Gameboy
also there appears to be gravity on their spaceship
what is this? star wars/star trek/Robotech?
so they reach the 5th planit but theres fog clouds
and they gotta go to the 13th moon as that's where there may be life
they then get a phone call from someone who sez they are under their space control
rocketmen say its a friendly trip and they get instructions on where to land
btw;  gas giant and moon inhabited by space people?
that's Robotech 2 the sentinels with the masters on the 3rd moon of fantoma
they land and have a smoke
ohh 1950s
the captain knows the atmosphere on here is like earth just by looking at the guy checking the atmospheres face
how convenient
they get out and its got trees and grass
but bottle rockets attack em
they see a person who sends em a messages to head there
they find a statue
also theres a crew member photographing everything
later they hear a girly scream
its someone being b0ned!!
nah its just a woman being attacked by something
so they shoot at it and save da chick in a weird minidress tunic
they follow her to a place and the crew divides itself
2 go in and if they don't come back, the rest book it
in the building is statues and cr-p
a guy there named brathas or w/e sez hes the only man survivor from atlantis
and this is new atlantis
and hes the guy who called em
and watched their cr-p on earth
and the gotta take out some monster
what is this? light crusader on sega genesis?!
and he gives 1 of em his daughter(the chick)
and he praises Aphrodite who he said was his grandma
then brings in his other daughters
who is the mom?
so they have drinks and the daughters dance for a while
shouldn't they all be blonde is they are descended from Aphrodite?
the guys eventually fall asleep
and 1 chick kisses him
well, they are daughters of venus
I expect that theres going to be some b0ning
that's not a joke btw
haven't you read the greek/roman legends?
if you did, u'd get that joke
so the remaining guys wait til times up and return to the ship
but this thing is outside watchin em
they call home and smoke
later the guy wakes up and has a hang over
also its implied he b0ned the girl as he sez; once is enuff
they go outside of the greeky place they in and she sez now they cant be heard by wall ears or something
also after da continent sank her ancestors came to that place
he wants to leave and shes totally loyal to him
the other guy is called to bra (the grandson, last man ruler)
its revealed his guide was never outside the area and never saw the thing dat attacked the main chick
1 guy (I'm not sure which one(wait its the one they just had)) wants the chicks to leave but they don't
why u want those chicks to leave?
u turning queer on me boy?
I mean he was in a rocket for 3 weeks with no chicks
so he sez the creature is in da garden and they get freaked
back on the ship the guys smoke and see the monster
they decide to wait for the other 2 til noon
then its noon
so they go out
such good film making
the monster (which looks like those things from attack on titan) follows em
so bra tells main guy to help him make new atlantis great again
and tomorrow they gonna ice da creature
but blacks out as the chick swapped main guy and bra's wine
I think
the other guys arrive and find the entrance is sealed
then the monster come by and groans
so they say; hold ur fire! lets scare him away!
and shoot the air
that's holing ur fire
but it s nothing so they open fire on him
to no effect
so they use a gas grenade
why did they bring gas grenades to an unknown world?
did they know ahead of time it has earth like air?
cuz the guy had to scan it
and they didn't know of the meteors
so after a gas grenade the thing is gone and the guy talk about it looking caveman
also they should've gotten a photo
they talk about how theres bother a monster and a girl
in anime, that's typically how it goes
look at la blue girl with miko mido's parents
1 guy sez if theres only 1 then the other guy is last in line
in line for b0ning!!
so main guy and his chick talk about how theres no escape w/o bra's consent
and bra wont
also a chick is listening to em
and if anyone goes in or out w/o consent gets iced
oh and all chicks see the ruler of atlantis as their dad
then goes off for a while
main guy calls to the other and they tap the walls
the crew climb a tree and finds chicks in the garden
but they cant get over a wall to em
so they cut a tree as a thing to climb
as it lands over the wall it catches fire
so they try to go under da wall
then the main chick is caught and tied up by the others
meanwhile other guy in there smokes and it cuts from his burning match to the main chick cooking (actually good film making)
I think they ritual sacrificed her
and the spying chick dances
she sez atlantis code sez the 1st daughter should marry 1st (and shes 1st)
and they are gonna ice her later
but, shes on fire
also they caught the space crew
but run off to get the 1st 2 guys
1 guy moves a chair and the wall opens
what is this? the legend of Zelda??
he tells the other guy to move da chair (he does) and they gets out
they hide as the chix go by
so main chick isn't on fire and its only around her or w/e and she sez the ropes tying em get tighter with resistance
so would going limp make em fall of?
main guys get their guns from behind a curtain in bra's room and 1 sez they need his gf to get out
the chix go by again and say men are their prisoners
monster finds it way in by the hole under the wall
why didn't the chicks fill it up?
and bra wakes up
the chix dance some more by the fire and the crew likes it
bra goes outside and the monster gets him
main guys hear music and find the chix
but monster gets there 1st somehow
main guys get there and cap the monster to no effect
so they use a gas grenade and it falls over the main chick and into the fire pit behind her
oh and it took out 1 chick b4 the guys got there
they get the chick and crew out of the ropes somehow and main guy smooches main chick
they all go out and find bra is iced
and main guy and chick are new rulers
but shes going off with main guy and puts some chick in charge until shes back
and the earth will send more missions to give em husbands
they then go home
the end
that wasn't so bad
normal 50s movie
I notice a lot of similarities with queen of outer space
wtf this was 1st
I thought this was the rip off
but all in all, I kinda liked it
it wasn't awful
it had a homey 50s charm
whatever everyone hated about this, I didn't see it
not sure what the FIRE was about in fire maidens
was it the sacrifice?
also it was directed, written, produced by cy roth
if he starred in it he'd be tommy Wiseau
but I thought it wasn't bad
its got some good ideas and tries em a bit
for Fire Maidens of Outer Space 2 I want them to land on earth and the chick is pregnant from b0ning the main guy. except its a super pregnancy and she gets huuuuuuuge. also she poops out a full grown human. and it has all knowledge of everything her parents knew. also its a fish out of water comedy with the main girl finding life in the 1950s to be most queer compared to her simple life in her moon planet. also its a girly shopping style game like those Barbie games and on Gameboy where she goes through malls and dodges tires and hats and walking shoes and has to get to the sales in the time limit. and each level she gets more and more pregnant

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

My Man Godfrey Review

note; this movie is good but my spelling are not
my man godfrey
this is my review on my man godfrey
its got William powell who jean harlow was gay for
after credits that are done in neon signs on a city scape, we go to the dump
2 hobos whine about the cops hassling em
then a few rich humans come in
they talk to the hobo and offer him 5$
are they gonna b0ne him?
actually they want him for a scavenger hunt
he tells the woman off and she backs away in fear
is he gonna b0ne em?
the bad chicks sister sez he likes him disturbing her sister and falling into a pile of ashes
then explains what a scavenger hunt is and the winner gets honor and the cash goes to charity
when he hears the sister can win with him and beat the bad chick, he goes with her
at their place he tells em no one (not even da cops) wants him and they win
he tells the rich humans they are all j-rkoffs b he goes
sister wants to help him to return the favor and they get him as their butler
what is this? Seinfeld?
and bad chick comes in and finds she lost
her name is cornelia
imma call her corn
the next day hobo (named godfrey so imma call him g boy) comes in and finds the fam often goes through butlers like power rangers go through puddys
he goes up to give a drink to some chick and shes hung over
theres offbeat music and the chick sees pixies
this is turning into a horror movie
too bad this was made after lon chaney bit it
him as godfrey would be crazy casting
he brings corn her breakfast and she gets all b--chy at him
then brings main chick her breakfast(the sister) but she don't recognize him w/o minor face hair
she seems kinda ditzy
and chats a lot
she wants to sponser him and him be her protégé
then he meets the dad played by Eugene Pallette who was friar tuck in robin hood
hes got dat super frog a55 voice
and was in the 3 musketeers (20s ver(and NOT as porthos))
the maid from b4 informs the dad the main chick brought in a horse last night that's still in da library
corn is still p-ssed she fell a55 1st in an ash pile after insulting him and walking backwards whn he stood up for himself
then dad has a meeting with the fam about money or something
they accuse eachother of little things
theres this fruity guy named carlo whos the moms protégé
and corn keeps being a smug b--ch to try to get main chick in touble
main chick whines about mom having carlo to sponcer and cornelia implies g boy might ice em
mom has carlo act like an ape to cheer up main chick
but it freaks her out
man this is really going nuts
I love it
I thin shes having an episode
oh and dad takes a thing of booze to his study
g boy chats with a maid about how nuts the fam is
later main chick maybe flirts with g boy
he tries to explain how them being homies aint good
oh she was in his servent room
don't wanna look like their b0ning
later carlo is playing a Spanish song and it leads to mom saying she don't know the national anthem
she asks godfrey how long his family was here and when he says "always" she thinks hes an indian
main chick seems like shes against g boy for not hangin with her
this fees like Beetlejuice how winona rider was emo
oh she seems kinda bummed
ter at a party a guy recognizes g boy from college
but g boy says he was his vallit
then college homie tries to make up a story
btw the mom is a bimbo
also college homie reveals g boy has a wife and 5 kids
main chick is disgruntled and randomly announces shes gonna to marry a guy
but he don't know what its about
later g boy chats with dad who asks if g boy noticed anything queer about him
remember, this is the 30s
but he means that his fam is offbeat
man we're like an hour in
g boy meets his collige homie and chats
collige homie sez g boys fam sez g boys in south Africa or America in rubber tree cr-p
g boy sez he got bummed and went to the river to suicide
but the hobos there saved him
oh its his gf dumping him that bummed him
then corn comes in and asks about his past
she wants to know wat he thinks of her and he sez shes spoiled and cr-ppy
so she books it
the director Gregory la cava also did
Restless Wives (sounds like a p0rn0)
Womanhandled (feminist p0rn0)
Paradise for Two (more p0rn0)
The Gay Defender (law and order svu ep)
Half a Bride (midget p0rn0)
The Age of Consent (teen p0rn0)
The Half-Naked Truth (sounds like a Japanese rpg plot/costume)
Gabriel Over the White House (that ones good)
Bed of Roses (sounds like a... Yugioh card...yeah...Yugioh card. what were you expecting?)
What Every Woman Knows (ewwwww)
The Affairs of Cellini (ben venuto celini? the sodomizer?)
Private Worlds (dimensional p0rn0)
She Married Her Boss (what is it with this guy!?)
5th Ave Girl (sounds like slang for a h00ker)
Primrose Path (I heard that phrase in ferrous bueler)
Lady in a Jam (strawberry p0rn0)
so corn has a plan to get g boy in trouble
and he goes to some room
I don't know, i was writing p0rn0 j0kes about this guys films
oh and main chick don't wanna eat cuz shes bummed
corn cant find her necklace and calls da cops
when cop finds out g boy is from the dump they go to his slave room
main chick rushes over to warn him
g boys drunk
they look through g boys place and corn sez to check the mattress
she placed em there earlier
but they aint there
and dad tells her the necklace isn't insured
so g boy goes back to the dump and its being made into a park or something
he tells some guy (maybe the college homie) the only thing between a man and a bum is a job
also corn and main chick go to Europe for a while
ad she dumped the guy she randomly said she'd marry b4
corn and main chick argue over who can win g boy
main chick and g boy talk while doing dishes
he sez hes her friend and he wants to move on
she gets bummed but g boy sez the wife and 5 kids are made up
later corn asks g boy about the pearl necklace or w/e she said was stolen
also he sez it went missing last fall
I thought this took place over like a week
she agrees to meet g boy about em and main chick thinks theyre going to b0ne
so she blacks out
he is gonna use smelling salts but notices her move in the mirror
so he carrys her to the shower and hoses her off
she thinks he loves her as he got mad at her for the fake black out
she hugs him wearing a wet dress, her mom comes in, she sez g boy loves him
this sounds like a bad anime scene
then dad has a family thing meeting
they're broke
but g boy was in the market and made cash for him
also he used the pearls corn hid in his necklace make cash
and returns it to her
he tells the fam how they helped him improve himself
and how they all have good in em
then goes
oh and he says bye to the maid and tells her to say bye to main chick
later g boy is using his cash to fund a place to give men work in the summer and shelter in the winter
but main chick comes over and sees the dump is now a successful place
she wants to change the wallpaper and says she cant go home
she wants to marry g boy and brings in a priest
the end
that was pretty fun
nice light comedy
nothing heavy or srs
fun, silly and offbeat
good acting
nothing to hate about it
my fave part is carlo going ape
for my man godfrey 2 I want it to be the early 50s and a biker gang comes to town. they were malcontent ww2 vets who couldn't fit into society anymore and roam the roads looking for people to satisfy their bloodlust. godfrey's teen kids don't trust the bikers but godfrey thinks he can get em jobs. they go berserk and waste everyone in the factory the 1st day, as well as eating and b0ning the bodies, and take it over. now its up to godfrey's teen kids to fight their way through the factory and gain power ups to access other areas of it to clear it out of bikers. its also a Gameboy/game gear/ Atari lynx/ portable turbo grafix 16 thing(I don't remember what its called) game and is like Metroid 2 was on Gameboy but with 2 player co op by link cable.