On The Ice Review

note; I never saw this b4 but read of it on a wiki. also trypoes

on the ice

this is my review for on the ice (from 2011)

I saw a commercial for it and it looked cool

other than a bit of reading and an add I don't know anything about this

wtf its 18+

and that's the soviet Canadian rating

so its set in Alaska in a frozen mad max wasteland

in school the natives have a traditional ceremony

btw, have you ever heard of the tunit?

i heard legends of em

a race of 3 foot tall people living in the north before the inuit came

they were said to have vanished after the climate naturally changed 1000 years ago and the ice melted

but I hear there are still sightings today

so these 2 guys are modern teens

swearing

smoking chronic and crack

b0ning fat chicks pregnant

the usual

they hang with their homies and talk about hunting and then they start rapping

and no they aint black

the guys talk about b0ning chicks and it escalates to mom jokes and violence

then they laugh and drive off on snow mobiles

this is kinda like the crow

but instead of Detroit its the north

both are kinda slummy though

later the 2 guys go home and one drinks booze

he then pours it on his mom/sister/gf/any combination of the 1st 3's b00b

ewwwww

its really widescreen

like half the screen is black bars

later the 2 guys have dinner with I think their dad after a prayer

they plan on going seal hunting

a lot of animal commies wanna ban the seal hunts

1st; many tribes up there depend on it to survive

2nd; if whites don't have a seal hunt every year, the seal overpopulate and use up too much fish

so them both humans AND seals starve

some times u gotta cut off a finger to save a hand

so then the guys go to a party of a guy who's rents are outta town

at it they have a rapping about being artic thugs

later 1 guy goes out and its still day

I assume its the whole 30 days of night thing where it stays sunny for weeks

then a girl tells him the sun don't set til august

this sounds like something i'd hear in Robotech 2 the sentinels on one of those weird a55 alien planets

he then sees his grandma who speaks her native language while he speaks English

they then play cards

the next day (I think, theres no sunset so i'm not sure) he goes hunting and his homies left b4 him

so he goes across the wasteland on his motorcycle I mean snowmobile

as he goes to them he's attacked and fights

in the fight a knife is pulled and the knife guy gets bashed with a shovel

knife guy gets tackled and I the fall, gets it in the skull

well, that went south quick

I think the grandma guy survived but i'm not sure as all 3 guys dress the same

oh and the dead guys were on drugs

theres a crack pipe there

and shoveled guy isn't dead

shoveled guy(I think his friend from b4) sez knifed guy was drunk so he drove snowmobile

but hes drunk too(but not as drunk)

shoveled guy freaks out at how he's gonna go to jail and beats the corpse

he then tries to eat his rifle

but main guy saves him

hes given up on life

but main guy suggests not taking dead guy back

hey get the body on the snowmobile and dtive to an opening in the ice

them push it in

they dump the body and return to the village

shoveled guy sez corpse was drunk, didn't see a crack, fell through the ice, and shoveled guy jumped off b4 it went in

man we're like 40 mins in

but nothing much happened

good pacing

kinda like alien

da cops take em out to find him

ant there giant 100foot long squids up under the ice?

or is that the south pole?

I know they caught a 40 foot squid that wasn't near fully grown

later I think its finally getting dark and corpses dad is freaking out

wtf

according to Wikipedia, the tunit were giants

I recall hearing they were 3 feet tall

although them being giants could mean a relation between the children of fallen angels and people that many cultures world wide have tales of

so the homies tell the cops their story

shoveled guy sez his face bruise was from hitting ice when he jumped

cop tells em how shoveled guy's dad bit it by 30 from booze

and main guy is gonna disappoint many people if he gets involved

this is why I don't drink btw

I can go through a whole 2liter carton of chocolate milk in a few hours

if I did booze i'd be dead

btw errol Flynn bit it at 50 from smoking and drinking

but this guy bit it at 30!?

maaaan

later a chick talks to shoveled guy asking about the corpse

he has enuff and books it

chick tells main guy she broke up with corpse at the party cuz he kept trying to b0ne 15 year old girls

she blames herself for him biting it but main guy sez he knows it wasn't

also she tells him he cant tell anyone

then they make out

later shoveled guy is drunk and told his baby momma he killed the corpse

main guy takes him home and he keeps saying he did it when his mom is there

mom (in a tank top with her bra straps showing) tells main guy to go, but then that he has to help her son

main guy goes home and his rents smell shovel guys booze on him

dad sez he went back and the tracks look like someone dug it up

also the winds have made them call off the search

mom sez main guy goes to college in 4 months and they cant let it get f'd

later shoveled guy is shook up and still cant remember what happened

main guy sez if shoveled guy raises his kid right it'll make up 4 it

shovel guy don't care as main guy is leaving soon

later main guys dad checks the gun and it has a round fired shell case

later, main guy sees a guy dump trash in a dumpster, calls his dad saying he wants to talk, and gets the trash

he sees the chick he made out with and probably b0ned

she sez he cant tell anyone they b0ned and leaves

he tells his dad the chick broke up with the corpse and she thinks he suicided

dad sez he did the right thing telling him

man this is like the tell tale heart

this guy knows the truth and its eating him up

later theres a gathering and corpses dad tells shovel guy its not his fault

later main guy spends the night at his grandmas

after waking up he tells grandma his friend bit it

later baby momma sez shovel guy broke up with her and sed her baby is corpses baby

she thinks that's why he wacked him

later main guy finds shovel guy about to buy drugs

dealer threatens him after main guy sez he'd turn him in if dealer sells to shovel guy

main guy fights shovel guy

then sez he iced corpse after he thought shovel guy bit it

hovel guy runs away

at home dad and main guy talk and main guy sez he fired his gun to get someones attention when he though he saw someone

dad gets him to go hunting

on the hunt with shovel guy, dad tells a story of how his gun used to be shovel guys dads gun

he lost it to him in a race

but the night b4, shove dad overfed main dads dogs walrus meat

and he didn't get a rematch as shoveler bit it b4

then main dad shows em he found corpse and attacks shovel guy for getting his son into this

but main guy sez it was him

dad tells em get a battery to weigh down corpse

but main guy wants to bring him back

but shovel guy gets a gun and has main guy tapehis own feet together

then shovel guy ties his hands together

I should mention if it wernt for drugs and alcohol, none of this would happen

but shovel guy sez he's bringing him back and taking the heat as he started the fight cuz he was on drugs

he throws main guy a knife and drives away

main guy cuts himself loose and walks back after him

then credits play as main guy walks the wastelands of ice

the end

man

I gotta say

this was pretty good

unexpected twists

human flawed characters

realistic reactions

its kind of like a law and order episode

I liked it

its not a "fun" movie

but its well made and well told

I don't recall much music to it but it has kind of a presence to it

like a less exaggerated score to john carpenters the thing

plus it has rap and teens being teens until they have to get serious

I think the comic relief shovel guy going dark and guilt ridden is a good twist

its like in degrassi how spinner or jt deal with deadly issues after being the fun ones b4

for on the ice 2 I want the main guy from the 1st one to be walking back but gets caught by a spiritual episode and goes through a dante's inferno like experience of dealing with his feelings and past and the choices he made in his life. also its a 16 bit shoot em up game like wings of wor or thunderforce 4 lightening force on sega genesis and super Nintendo and Atari jaguar and turbo grafix 16 cd with him going through various trippy levels of his mind with many layered meanings and various legendary creatures and items from their culture.