Thursday, April 30, 2020

The Warriors Review

Note: I spell bada55 like this movie
the warriors
this is my review on the warriors ftom 1979
its based on a book based on a greek story and was directed by walter hill who did 48 hours and red heat (both i saw 0 times each)
it stars James Remar from mortal kombat Annihilation, David Patrick Kelly
 from The Crow and Commando, Thomas G. Waites frm McBain and no one else I know of
I saw this b4 but don';t recall too much
also in the book the main guys were black but they deafricaniszed them for diversity
this was rated x in argentina, soviet england, banned in sweden, and finland, and rated 13+ in french canada and 14+ in Brazil
so its night and these 70s gang guys go on da subwayy for a meetung with the other gangs
this was written as a counterpunch to West Side Story making Soviet New York gangs ook lite and fun
man, all these gangs dress like freaks
its like a lady gaga show with less hermaphrodites
1 guy tells another warrior to tag everything so they'll know da warriors were there
so they are gonna see cyrus (not the yugioh gx guy or grabdpa simpsons bro) who leads da biggest gang in soviet new york
at da meeting syrus sez they otta team up and take over the city as with all their numbers, they are more than enuff for da cops
is this them unionizing?
i knew unions were bad!
and of cource, with him as union boss, he'd get all the cash
most famous union boss?
joseph stalin
boss of the soviet union
btw, a gang oened new york is like escape from new york where they just sealed that cesspoole off and let the animals fight among themselves
thankfully, someone j fk's cyrus and the gangs scatter as the cops come
the real hitman blames the warriors for wacking syrus back to h e double new york and they fight
the wwarriors escape into a graveyard and 1 got caught
they decide to return too their turf at coney island (which was a level in spider man the animated series on sega and snes)
1 guy challenged the plan guy fro control but the train is comming and they leave
but 1 guy tags a headstone cuz he has no respect and need to be eaten alive by spidermonkeys
meanwhile the other gangs decide to get da warriorz and a radio host with a gross looking mouth plays the song nowhere to run
btw this is fullscreen so no black bars eating half the screen
so sudeenly its raining hard but its goen by the next scene
crazy weather in new york
must be cuz iof all the daemons
so they go through the startion for the train as a gang chases em and make it in just as the train leacves and the gang gets there
the train stops cuz someone torched something and and they gotta get off
meanwhile, the real killer and his crew wanna take out the warriors to cover their evidence
just like with daiana when the queen had the guys taken out
the warriors go throught another gangs turf and this ganmg is small time but act big and to avoid a fight, warriors go with it
but a chick mouths off and wants the warriors vest
when the warriors dont coonsent to these forced union dues, she twists small times leader to make em
he backs down and they tell off chick for being a wh-re
chick follows and gets caugt by da wqarriors and when 1 nearly b0nes her, new leader stops him
the smsll time gang comes out but warriors throw a booze bottle on fire and it blows a cr-pmobile and both gangs run
chick goes wityh warriors as they are badder a55 like with vaiya ditching her big black butt buddy afteer hes iced in m d geist
so at da station is da cops but they fiight and flee
just open fire on em!
one shot through the leg and hes down!
1 teen brawls with a cop, gets knocked onto da travks, and a train splatters him
he will have no more victims!
da warriorz get out and theres this kiss looking baseball guy with a bat and his gang that chase em
they look kinda like The Crow
1 kiss crow gets took out by  warrioors and they stop to fight other kross crows
imma stick dat bat yo yo a55 and turn u into a popsicle
more warriors join and they win
so they go on and 1 guy tries b9ning a gorl on a bench
but she handcuffs him and she blows a whistle as she was a cop trap and the cops beat him diwn
so later chickk has jacked a coat and is with leader and in the subway this cop comes after em
he cripples him with a thrown bat to the leg and ecapes
some warriors meets a girl gang and hangs with em
leDER is named swan as they all got mad max names and he chats with chick over her being a b--chy 5kank
theen they make out
better get the Aids test. who nows how many guys she's had
he probably tastes j-zz or something as he ditches her
so back at the barwiith da chix, the chix lock em in and pull guns/knives and warriors fight their way out
from da chix commwnts, they learn everyone thinks they iced syrus
so the surviving warriors make it to the station except 1 guy and swan
chick reunites witrh swan and she sez guys are after him and the surviving warriors show up
thy hide in da  mens room and the after em guys follow bit theres no one in there
they almost open da stalls annd da warriorz bust oiut and beat ion em
the bathroom is trashed and chick bites onne so hes gonna devolve into a chick every month
at another gangs place, a guy sez he saw who shot cyris
on da train, some civilized humands get on and chick seems disgruntled at thweir being happy
the civilized humans see shes bad news and get out b4 she kills them and eats their organs
so then iits day like in that movie collateral and they get off da train in coney island and are a bit bummed theyv fought all night to return to some slummy cesspoole
bt da other gangs followed em and 1 clacks beer bottles and sez warriorz, coe out and play!
at da sea they meat the real killer and he admits to icing cyrus
he pulls a gun on em but gets a switchblade thrown in his arm
the oher ganngs are there and i guess no one saw or heard em comming
they see real killer did it and he denies it but they let the warroors leave and goe in to gang b0ne him dead as scene cuts to thedj playing a song for da warriors and da warriors walk the beach as they dont need sleep from night b ball
the end
that was quite good
good action, color, night scenes, fight scenes, effects, acting and music
its well made andwas bada55 and cool
its wven got beat em up video games in this cwnntury with most of the surviving cast
for the warriors 2 i want it to be the 80s and thee gangs have united and taken over new york. Pesident Reagan (Whi in real life liked the 1st movie) decides to put an end to the gangs once and for all and sends in his toughest soldiers to take out the gangs and free the aids drugs and gangs infected cesspoole from its tormentors. Its also a 16 bit Run n Gen game on Sega Genesis, Snes, TG16, GBA and Atari Jaguar where you blast through the rotting slums and fight off the gang members devolved by drugs and aids into grotesque abominations.

Sunday, April 26, 2020

Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets Review

Note: i spekl interplanetewry
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
this is my review on Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets from 2017 (The year Voltage Fighter Gowcaizer happened)
i never saw this butr its by Luc Besson and is based on a french comic
but french is non canon!
it stars dane dehaann, clive pwen, trihanna, ethan hawk, herbie hancock,. Ruytger Hauer, John Goodman, and a buncha others i never heard of
so it starts woth this space statiob thing being linked together to the song ground control to major tom
all these different racesa are working together to make it like its captain planet
then theres aliens
so the station later gets too big to stay in orbit (its brigger than the moon??)  and they send it out to soviet outer space
then title
then this blue chick like in farscape is living in i think soviet new york wiith others of her kind and the statue is mostly under water
so they get these pearls or w/e and give 1 to la blue chick who uses it to make this creature poop  bumch more into a sand cauldren and then they are attacked by flming ships falling outta da sky
so they get to the sheltrs anf 1 blueis left outside and when the fire blast from the falling bursting metal comes, it sacrisices itself and the wave from it reaches main guy who';sa on the beach with a blonde
they clash like jack baker and karen penn from robotech and the beach is an illusion and they are in a space thing on a mission
the computer sez the memory waves are from anywhere in da universe and even present or past
like that ep of reboot with the funhouse?
so they go to this planet and ride a hover bus to this place
also he asks her t marry him cuz she sed he needs committment and other cr-p
so they go to this market in another dimension and they need glasses to see it and a spexial box to bring anything back
what is this? Pokemon Platinum where you go underground?
so these blue guys meet this jabba the hutt looking c-ck sucker and trade him a pearl for it and they can gget more for him
they pull guns on him but he pulls guns back and b4 anyone fires, mai  guy gets jabba goodman at gunpoint and takes the iitem
as main guy leavesa space dog bites his box and chaos erupts
he cant get his arm outta da busted box and a guy covers it with weights aso hgev cant getta way
he uses the weights to bust through da swewr grate and fall int an underground
a midget alien takes a weight and fires it and an alien and the rest stick to it and main guy goes on a chase through the beach and in our realm he's knocking oveer cr-p
he meets main chick who fixes da arm box and he DIMENSIIONS THE DICE to escape
so guards hold off the dog thing and main guys get 2 a bus and fight off the still following space dog unrtil main guys get to the shuttleand escape
but that dog still wont give up and clings to thr  ship but they warp out nd it falls back to the planet
wat is this? chucky?
if we dont see a body, its not dead
so they find they have the pearl pooping creature and put it in a spae microwave thing and they find the pearl has more power init than the whoole ship
the planet it was from bit it 30 years ago and main guy remembers it from his dream
is this like the quantm serge from beast wars?
so they go to the space station from b4 whicch has thousands of species working together like the Sebtinels in Robotech
so they report to theirr c o and he sez theres a radio active zone thats infecting the stayion and killing everyone in it
the creature poops out a bunch of stuff and the army guys torutethis blue guy for info
they tell their superuor of the creature and the leaer or w/e has a meeting wwith the alien leaders about the radio actirvity and main chick asks some spacr thigs for info
then theres an alert that they are under attack by things comming through da walls
then the blue guys bust through da wall like kakko kamen and start cappin everyone
so i missed some as i was reading of the actrress who plays the chick and found she's pretty f;'d up and they wake up oin cloth things and the commander is missing and chick tells main guy where to go
he plows through the walls and uses a platform hgun like in gargoyles quest of mega man 02 to run over air and she gives hhim bad directions so he falls like a few thousand feet and dont use that platform gun
man we're like an hour in
that felt like nothing
so then he's in a spacercraft and fires on the enemy ship but it splits into many so he chazses 1 across this big a55 cgi city
so main guy dissappears and chick wants to go after him as points out the blue atttackers didnt ice any of em but just put em to sleep
but the general sez no and has her restrained
she gts da guards to cuff her cuz she's into SM but uses it as a chance to beat em down and escape
then gets info from the space things that commander was captured for having the creature and makes em guide her at gunpoint
if it weren't for her gun, main guy would wind up in h E Doyble Canada
she goes underground and goes on this cr-pmobile ship with a geezer and there's these space whaleswith parasites that feed off the water they make
so they get a paradite and she wears it on her head like iwht akira fudo in devilman and sees visoons of what happened to main guy
using this, she finds him and he's ok and thry bicker about how he knows she wants him
so they get caught by frog people (not frenchies(they are too evolved for that)) wait, its just chick who gets caught
the officers up in control room see 1 species was delwted from da database and main guy jacks a guards outfit to blend in the city
theres h00kers everywhere and he dont consent to b0nming them as he dont want space aids
he meets a scuzzmo who is in all these kinda movies and they go in this place
the frogz dont speak english (just like in soviet canada)and wanna hve chick try on h00ker dresses
she gets mad at frogmo annd frogmo blasts her with aids breath
so scuzmo shows main guuy some strppers and its rihanna who he's not into
sh sez she started at age 4 which is a bit old for most of hollywood and she tries to seduuce him but he pulls a gun on her and she turns into a jelly monster
he offers to set her free if she helps him find maiin chick
btw she totally isnt mistique from x men
so he wears her and she fakes being scuzzmo and they unlink for a sec, then relink to look like a frogmo
so they go in and are in a line with frogz and its like with that ep of DBGT where Pan faked being a Robot to save Trunks and Goku and they feed this fat froga tentacle thing and see chick wearing a dress and big mexico hat
fat frog tries to feed on her fbrains and main  guy with gell giirl fights off the frogs
they unlink and fight frogs and escape through da floor
the general or w/e gets access to stuff so he can lead and learns da busted blue guy planeet at the start happened cuz of war and it was sed 2 b uninhabited
so in da underground, slime girl is damaged somehowand b---ches about having a cr--py time and  eventually bites it
gotta have dat bummer moment 2/3rds through the film!
gotta make people feed sad!
every movie!!
even romance action and comedy!
so main gu sez la blue dead girl from da start of this has been guiding him like in hikaru no go or w/e
they find this weird barrier and they goes in and theres  blue guys in it
the leadder of da blues sez his daughter sent her ki or w/e into him through space and time (WAIT, IS THIS SCIENTOLOGY!?) and it found him as a host
they tell their backstory and its pretty much avatar where these blue guys lived in peace with natute and then hthere was a war from otherworlders and it f;d their planet
totally not like robotech with the invid!!
the survidors escaped in a dalvaged ship from the war and they learned from it and about all the cosmos and the humans who bbusted theitr world
they were found by scrap dealers and made it to the space statiion in hiding untiil they could make a ship of their own
now they can restore their world but need the creatuire and the pearl
also the humans wanna wipe em out as theuy know of humans busting their wolrd
yeah like anyone would beliecve em
logic error
they wake up commander who sez it was uninhabited and main guys say he ignored them to wun the war
he sez huamns would be f'd econimically and politically if they admitted it over  reparations and he did it for his people
he has a point
a lot of innocent humans would suffer over this
commander orders main guy to arrest the aliens and he slugs out his superior officer
bte this is totally not at all like avatar
chick wants to guve em the creature but main gguy sez itsgov property and trust the system despite having slugged out his boss and she sez soem cr-p about it being love that breaks all rules and if he loved her he'd do this and the blues forgive and thats love and other hippy cr-p
what a manipulative b-ch
hope the frogs b0ne her ddead
so he gives in and they smooch and she sez "we are to blame for the loss of ur planet" despitre them not being alive when it got nuked and gives em the creature
so the humans upstairs find the scanners detect o radio activity and the blue monkeys use the creature to poop out pearls to power this thing that makes some kinda copy of their world or w/e
i dont know whats going on
the humans outside are gonna blow it but the space blues come out and main guy contax  general to say tocall off da attack
they reveal the story that its all cuz of a white straight male in charge who f'd e,m and they get commander to talk but he sez to waste em and they open fire on the hippies but soome robots attack the command center in the humann thing and the soldiiers at the barrier
general has da attack and nuking of em or w/e stopped at the last moment and the aliens blues launch off in a space pod thing
commander is arrested despite there being no evidence left and main guys are on a pod in space
he asks her to marry him and gives her a pearl and she sez maybe and they make out
the end
that was interesting
its kinda commie propaganda but its a well made film
its pretty much a clone of robotech and avatar but it had a few good things
its got good effects and action and acting and sci fi and some creative stuff
too bad its widescreen
but other than the bad stuff, it wasnt ba
for Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets 2 i want them to get back and find the commader has been trtied but as there was no evidence of the aliens, he was found not guilty and has aintained command. so the main guys from the 1st film start a =n anti human rebellion and get aliend and self hating humans to join it. its also a 16 bit action game on snes, sega genesis, tg16 gba and atari jaguar where hyou play as eithe rcommander's human foces tking down malcontents, or malcontents lead by the main guys and try to take down the humans.

Game Reviews Volume 8 From 2020

Just beat Thunder Force 3 on Genesis. Simple Shmup where if you touch anything you bite it and lose the weapon you wee carrying. Good graphics and really good music that has kind of an 80s anime feel. Esp during the credits. The bosses are creative and well designed and each has a weak point to hit. Its side scrolling left to right but some levels you go diagonal or back. The only level; that really gave me trouble was the one with the moving rock floors. You get extra guys from points and finding em and power ups are found in special ships you take out. The bosses ain't too tough but if you pause and unpause it helps navigate through the bullet storm. Its probably the easiest of the Thunder Force games and you get 4 guys to start with and 7 continues. Biting it respawns you where you left off but using a continue makes you restart the level. You can choose what level to start on but gotta run through all of em. Good game. Glad I got it. I wanted to beat Thunder Force 2 b4 this and this b4 Lightening Force.

Just beat Mobile Suit Gundam SEED: Tomo to Kimi to Koko de on GBA. I thought I ordered Battle Assault but instead I got a game I never knew existed. In here its all in Japanese and has 2 styles of gameplay. Talking and fighting. So its Gundam. In the talking modes you mash through Japanese text you probably can't read but recognize a few English words like Ark Angel or Athrun written in the limited Japanese you understand.. Also you can wander the Ark Angel and hope to find your way around a map by going from room to room until something happens. Once I was in a loop where I had to choose the right choice through a multiple option. I figgered my way through with trial and error. The battle scenes you control Kira who is in the Gundam that fits the story place and eventually upgrade. Also in some levels you can have a partner who helps you fight. The fights are done by using A to choose a target and B to fire an attack. Then there's a cutscene you can skip with Start and after that you can move again. Attacking stops everything for a sec. You get aa power meter and life meter and running outta life you just redo the level. Some levels have missions like take out a certain target. It follows the Anime story well and has good art and music from it. The graphics are nice and have that CG Anime style. Its not too hard but I had to look up a playthrough to figure out how to do some parts. 16 levels and its got a save thing and you can save between saves in text by hitting Start that you return to with Continue. To return to a save file use Load. Also you can use Seed by pressing Select at some times that lets you fight better. R is boost and in Seed you can move faster. Its not what I expected but I'm glad I got it and gave it a chance. Oh and Start and the 1st option in battle brings up a map.

Just beat Bonk's Revenge on my TG16 Collection. Pretty good sequel. Bright colors and good music. Controls pretty well. You get 3 continues and the last level is a boss rush but the game boss takes less hits. Getting enough points gets an extra guy and there's hidden guys everywhere. You don'y recover life between levels but if you get enuff smileys you get access between levels for more life refills and extra heart containers. Getting fruit also recovers life and Smiley's and fruits are in bonus levels you get to by finding flowers. Spamming the attack button lets you spin and if you attack a plant it might change color. Blue is extra guys, pint is fruit, tan is meat that makes you stronger and yellow is a spring to bounce off. You can also rebound off the walls with a headbutt. I made it to the last level with like 15 guys and ran out on the game boss. After burning through another continue I made it there with a few guys left. I was thinking of rebooting as I lost my glut of extra guys and continuing resets your life bar to standard but I battled on and figured out you gotta hit his crown. I jumped and took a hit even though he should be in the background and figured, might as well try, and one hit later I won. Grand game. I like it more than Mario. Glad I played it. Oh and when you use another life it only refills 3 hearts no matter how many extra you get.

Just beat Kung Fu Kid on my Master System Collection. Simple game. Jump and kick. Go to the end of the level. Sometimes wall jump. Up and Attack throws an item you can collect. Only 7 levels but no continues. It can be beat in under 20 mins in you know what to do or how to nail the bosses. Its pretty simple and easy and you jump faster than you run. Unlimited enemys that keep coming so you gotta keep moving. Also a time limit. You get extra guys from points and you get more points after beating a level depending on how much time and life you have left. Good colorful graphics and upbeat music. Glad I played this. It was a nice lite game that you don't gotta sink 500 hours into.

Just beat Choplifter on my Master System Collection. Pretty challenging with 1 hit kills and kinda stiff controls. You get 3 lives and no continues but there''s a level select code by going up down left right on the 1st title screen, then after pressing the button through the screens, the level select pops up but autoscrolls so you gotta wait for it to reach the level you want. I used this as a Continue to beat each level but the last one I beat on my 1st try. You gotta bust open bases and land to rescue captured guys. If you tap up every few secs when picking em up it keeps tanks from showing up. You gotta save 40 guys per level but they can bite it if you land on em, cap em, or get shot down with e on board. You can carry 16 guys per trip and theres 4 16s of the per level. You get extra guys by points. Flying backwards can get through places easier like caves and keeps the side of the screen on one side. 1 button shoots and 1  changes direction so you face left right or center. When facing center you drop shots toward the front and hit tanks and stuff. Not a bad game. Good music and graphics and its not too long. It was kinda annoying but a well made game that can be beat thanks to the code. The way I see it, in the arcade you could keep putting in tokens so unlimited continues is more reasonable.

Just beat Castlevania  Dracula X on my SNES collection. It was pretty tough to get that good ending by saving both chicks. You get unlimited continues and there's a password and you need it. There's a few levels with branching paths that keep you from getting the good ending. 1 button jumps, 1 attacks, and 1 for Item Crash/Crush. Up and attack is subweapon so you can't use it while ducking and it gets in the way on stairs. Item crash can be used with no item for a fire whip or with the key needed to unlock the good ending for no cost and it damages anything touching you, which can help on the key needing level. To get the good ending you gotta get through lv 3 without falling in any of the 20 holes, the key, beat the boss, go through all of lv 4 on 1 guy, and open both doors to save Maria and open the final door. That took me DAYS. In the water level you gotta whip the hose the water flows out of in 1 room and go down to save ur gf. Saving a girl stays saved even if you game over. The hardest part is the Reaper who has 2 formes. 1 is floating around and touching it spazzes you out. And the other is a street fighter wound where he can do a spin attack and cut you down. I beat him using Item Crush with Axe to Cheese invincibility when he spun. The final level isn't too bad and Dracula isn;t so tough if you grind for hearts and stay low using the axe. The final forme can be beat with spamming axes and item crush. His final mode shows up where his 1st one fell so if he''s further away you can get more shots on him with the axe. Pretty good game. Not as hard as CV3 but up there. Glad I played this

Just beat Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game on my NES collection. Its a beat em up where 1 or 2 guys choose a turtle and fight like 10 levels of mostly the same guys. Good graphics and music and pretty good controls. A jumps B attacks and both do a stronger move that is worth 2 hits, which makes you wonder why this wasn't the main attack. You get 3 continues that puts you back at the start of the last area you were in but there's a level select code that gives you 10 guys instead of 3 per continue so the game don't gotta be beat in 1 sitting. Its moderately tough but some parts are hard to get through unscathed. some bosses take 40-70 hits and you gotta beat Krang and Shredder in 1 continue. Plus Shredder can devolve you back to a regular turtle with a lightening attack and take a life in 1 hit. Plus he clones himself and the clone can do it too. Jump kicks usually deal with bosses but they can counterstrike if you are imperfect at range and targeting. Gotta get that special spot to get in rhythm. If you can get em in a loop it helps. You get an extra guy every 200 kills or so and could be beat w/o the code with enough practice and luck. Glad I played this.

Just beat King Of The Monsters on Sega Genesis. Pretty good pro wrestling Kaiju game. You play as 1 of 4 monsters and fight the 4 monsters, then fight em again in different colors. A is punch, B is kick, C is run, A+B is Jump, hold A+B to beam attack and A on a downed foe is pin. You wail on your foe and can grapple and such and chip their bar down until they are beat enough to pin. Hammering the buttons when pinned can get you back up but it gets harder each time til the 3 count. 1 move that works is to C and B to charge through the foe and repeat until they are beat enough to pin. Destructible environments and an electric fence make the arena and vehicles come out to attack the monsters at times. You get up to 12 continues and if you grab a foe right, you can squeeze out a P sphere and get enough of these and you Digivolve to a stronger forme and new color that stays even after using a continue. Using a continue doesn't stop the fight and you pick up where you left off. Also the deeper in the game you get, the more life the foe has. Pretty good game. Colorful, fun, bright, good music and graphics, controls well. decent controls. I liked it and I'm glad I got it. Its the Godzilla game AVGN should've played as a kid.

Just beat Primal Rage on my Game Gear Collection. It works pretty well for an 8 bit port. Some color and decent sounds. Controls well. You get up to 10 continues top beat all 6 guys in a best outta 3 match and you fight by holding the buttons and spazzing on the D pad. There's a stun meter that drains as you take damage and when out, you can't move for a bit. Unlike the GB ver I didn't face a Boss Rush but it might be as I had the difficulty on 3 outta 8. I liked it and used the Fire T Rex to win as he's cool and has the blazing warp thing where he flames out and reappears in another area. Like Goku's Instant Translocation from DBZ but actually damages the foe. Its a decent game and works fine. Glad I beat it.

Just beat Rave Master on GameCube. Pretty good 3d fighter. I hear its like Power Stone but I never played that. I never saw the anime nor read the manga but this has the Bleach and Robotech actors in the Dub. You play through one of several characters and fight in several best on 1 matches and pick up weapons and power ups  like metal skin or more energy in boxes. You gotta use a button to pick up and there's a strong and low attack, and a guard and super move, and jump. Super moves use energy but it can be refiled with close range hits and gems. You get 3 guys per round that refills after each fight and unlimited continues and 1st to run outta guys loses the fight. Its got good control and nice early 00s graphics and some anime style cutscenes. Its pretty good and can be beat in under an hour. I used Elie and mainly used the tonfa gun to take off most of their life. Glad I got it.

Just beat Ax Battler: A Legend Of Golden Axe on my Game Gear collection. Its lie Zelda 2 but you don't gain Exp nor Level Up nor get stronger in any way except in learning new moves by going to Training Rooms and winning a 1 on 1 fight with a rando w/o taking a hit. 1 button jumps, 1 attacks and Start uses magic in battle but opens a menu out of it. You talk to people, move over an overworld, fight random battles with gradually stronger guys that 1 hit and you lose 1 point of HP outta 6 but the battle ends, fight through longer levels with many foes that don't kick you outta the fight with 1 hit, and no bosses. Beating foes gives you magic pots but they 0 out when you bite it. But you return to the last Pass Word hutt you were at. No saves but infinite tries and a Password system with 8 characters. You can heal by paying pots at an inn. The final level is going from teleport point to point and walking through the castle exit and a cutscene plats of the bad guy being beat. Its not bad but can be annoying to go back after running outta HP. Its not impossible but can take some tries to get through. Glad I played it. It wasn't as bad as others said.

Just beat Samurai Shodown on my Game Gear collection using Ukyo. Its got good color but the graphics are kinda hard to make out. The music is good and it controls sorta ok but it takes getting used to. Unlike the Genesis and Gb ports you get only up to 3 continues. You fight through 10 best of 3 fights (no Earthquake) and one button is weapon and 1 is feet. You can throw and the more damage you take, the higher your power bar goes which lets you heat up and do more damage. I made it halfway through on Normal but dat Hanzo is too cheap so I went on Easy. Charlotte is tough but if you block and use both bottoms for the power move after she attacks you can hold her off. She won't attack if you don't. Its a decent game but I think I perfered the Gameboy ver. The final boss is pretty easy if you duck, block and use both buttons to power hit and gave me the least trouble(I got a perfect on my 2nd round). Usually knocking them down and getting close and using both buttons is enough to loop them but some can wiggle out. Glad i played this but I've played better. Oh and you can dash forward and back with double tapping the D pad.

Just beat Ninja Gaiden on Game Gear. Simple, lite, not too tough. No continues but there's a hidden Password thing that lets you go back to other levels and get goodies like unlimited ammo. Down and attack is ninja sub weapon and can be done in the air. Most enemy's hit lite and only take off 1 point but bosses hit hard. There's times where you can get stuck and just keep taking damage and if its on a boss, that's it. Its got cutscenes that ain't as good as the NES but ain't bad. The final boss has 3 formes that each take a ton of hits but he's got a simple pattern so its not so bad. I liked it and it's only got like 5 levels but the control could use some tuning. Glad I played this.

Just beat Bonk 3: Bonk's Big Adventure on my Tg16 collection. It borrows a lot from past games and reuses graphics from them quite a bit. It controls ok and the mini games only give you happy faces that can be used to play mini games of your choice between rounds. The mini games ain't as good or easy as past games but my fave was the one where you bust the house. Now there's candy in Red and Blue flavors (Take the pill?! The Matrix ripped off Bonk!!) where one makes you bigger and 1 makes you shrink. Blue makes you Big and Red makes you smaLL (It makes sense in Japanese). Taking a big when small makes you normal but getting hit in either returns to normal. There's lots of hidden goodies like extra guys and bonus  levels and a green dink who cuts your smileys in half when he nails you. I think its got unlimited continues as I suicided a lot after playing this and didn't seem to run out. I gathered enough extra guys to just attrition my way through the last rounds. Its a decent game and the size change was pretty good as there's areas you gotta be small to get and goodies its easier to get when big, but it seems more  like Sonic Mania than Sonic 3 compared to the past games. More of an upgraded remix than a full on sequel. Maybe Super Street Fighter II over Street Fighter II. But I liked it and it was a not bad game. Glad I played this. But those Ice levels were kinda annoying.

Just beat Fatal Fury Special on my Game Gear collection. Plays well. You get up to 9 continues and the only guys I needed em for was Duck King. 1 button punches and the other kicks. Spazzing on the D Pad with em lets you do moves. I won most of my fights by jumping around and kicking at the guys but spamming ranged attacks worked too. I used Mai Shiranui and she controls ok. Good graphics and nice colors with cool looking backgrounds like Duck King's level. Even Billy and Geese didn't give me much issue. I liked it and its a decent game. Simple, Quick, Good if you wanna beat something in like half an hour. Pretty impressive for an 8 bit handheld. Glad I played it.

Just beat The Chessmaster on my Game Gear collection. Pretty straight forward. Its Chess. One button grabs and drops a piece and 1 lets you undo moves. But you can't do new moves. Only look at em. Sorta like the Ghost Of Christmas Past. If a player does the same move too many times its a draw and you use the bottom to cycle through pieces when a pawn gets to the other side. Decent graphics but I wasn't used to the design of the pieces and it was a bit hard to make out. You got a few things you ca do like change difficulty level and have a timer and you can save or load games. Its  pretty good and has more options than the Gameboy version. I liked playing Chess since the 90s and this was a pretty good one. I think it has hints and a thing that shows where each piece can move and a touch rule but I didn't really use those. Pretty good way to play Chess on the go. Glad I played this.

Just beat Godzilla Kaijuu Daikessen/Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters on my SNES collection. Pretty good Kaiju fighting game where you choose 1 and fight 7 others, then Super Mecha Godzilla. I went through it without using a continue and used Mothra. You got a life bar and a lower bar that when filled up by hits has you stunned a bit. Mothra can fly and Biolante can't jump. Spazzing on the D pan and using the heavy or light attack access's stronger moves and there's a dash button and grab button. I think you get unlimited continues and its a best of 3 rounds. No mirror matches. It plays ok but as you control huge monsters they move like it. There's air attacks and a time limit and the songs are fine. The graphics are good and its pretty good. If we got it over here in da 90z it would probably get love. Glad I played it.

Just beat Double Dragon 3: The Rosetta Stone on Sega Genesis. I heard it was the worst in the series. Honestly, it wasn't bad. Yeah its kinda simple and often your hits don't register. But its not unplayable and its not that big an issue. You go through 5 levels of beating up guys and bosses and it has 2 player co op. You can have up to 25 coins and can use them to buy extra guys and can use different characters depending on the level after your main guy bites it. You can also get weapons and buy the ability to do moves like a throw or spin kick but once you bite it you gotta guy it again. Its a pretty brief game as I beat it in under 20 mins and had like over a dozen continues left. Its not as bad as everyone says and has decent graphics and good music. If you press A B and C as the bricks are scrolling on the title you get an options menu, and can add more coins, choose what guys you wanna start with or other things and the non Bimmy and Jimmy have different HP numbers.. Some levels are kinda weird like going underground in the desert to fight Tree People (What is this? Inhumanoids?!) and some parts have cheap hits. But you get quite a bit of life (Measured in numbers at the top) and its not so hard if you know what you are doing. Glad i wound up getting this. Its decent.

Just beat Art Of Fighting on Sega. Not bad port of a NeoGeo game. You play as either Ryo or Robert and fight 8 rounds with a Bonus Level after each 2 rounds to increase your HP or Ki or learn the ultimate move. You can choose how long you want each fight to be and if you want best of 1 3 or 5. I find its usually easier to jump kick the foe to the corner and time it to loop em in jump and duck kicks. You get 2 continues but there's a level select code I used so I wasn't fighting the same guys I already beat over and over. The fights are not too bad but I had trouble with jumping left/right as I often just jumped straight up if I wasn't already moving. A and B attack at different ways and C is for taunting to drain their Ki but it can be recovered by holding A. The final boss was pretty tough as he can do everything you can, but stronger, faster and better. I beat him by jumping over him close and using C to backwards kick and low kick til he falls. Then move in and try to loop him. If you jump not close he uppercuts you out. I faced him dozens of times before winning by time out and having a bit more life. The game ends with To Be Continued? but it never was on Sega. Its not bad and has some goodness but its not super awesome. Graphics and music are good and you can skip cutscenes. It can be beat in like 15 mins if you do well and set the time and rounds low. Glad I got it. Its a decent fighter.

Just beat Ninja Spirit on my TG16 Collection. Its by Irem and is a pretty simple and not too tough ninja platform game where you play as this ninja and fight through several levels with infinite continues and a halfway checkpoint per level through various Japanese style stuff. you use 1 button to jump, 1 to attack, and Select changes your weapon. But you gotta do it in real time and can't do it when paused like in Mega Man so its kinda irritating. You can get up to 2 shadow clones and they attack and aim where you do and can stay in the air if you land. You got an arcade mode with 1 hit kills and another where you get 5 hits per guy. Its got good graphics and music and plays pretty well although the jumps can be a bit stiff and in some levels you gotta stick to the ceiling and run. Th longer you hold the jump button the higher you go. I find the purple blast items are good for damage and the shuriken when powered up to spread shot are useful with groups of enemies. Not a bad game. Glad i finally got around to playing it. It can be beat in under 20 mins if done right.

Just beat Battleship on my 106 Game Gear games in 1 GBA cart. Its just like the board game where you choose squares and figure out where the enemy ships are. In here you play through 8 levels each with 5 rounds where you place your boats and face off. But here every level you get a new ability or boat and can hit multiple squares in a pre-set pattern. I often mixed up which button turns and which plants a ship and which button fires and which opens the weapon select. If a ship that a weapon is connected to goes out, you lose access to it. This can work for you as if you take out an enemy boat b4 he uses it, its outta his arsenal. I find the computer usually don't have 2 boats directly touching and its usually better to save your big attacks for scouting for unknown locations. You get unlimited continues and there's a password system of 4 numbers that can be used to continue. Its a pretty good game and I'm glad I  played it.

Monday, April 20, 2020

A Cure For Wellness Review

note i spell bad. this movie did bad. it fits
A Cure for Wellness
this is my review for A Cure for Wellness from 2016 (the ear humans left fo mars in Mazinsaga on Sega Genesis)
its directed by gore vebrinski and stars dane dehaan  from the bad spiider man movies, jason iccases from harry pooter andcarl; lumbly from the 00s justice league show (the GOOD one!!)
its based on the book The Magic Mountain by Thomas Man (who didnt like commies or nazies and liked zee kaiser) which i never read
this film f'd out at da box office andrviews werent too great but i like cr--p solets see how it is
so it stsrts with credits over a city night zone andthis guy on his computer finding a letter with a wax seal
he gets a tummyache aand spazzes out and bites it
then the title and we cut to a guy on a train on a laptop and cell phone
he reads a letter from some guy saying once u see da truth u cant go back and goes on a rambling about human traits
so main guy goes to work at the place the 1st guy bit it as letter voice goes on about how theres a sickness in us that we deny and it builds and f's us
leter sez hes not coming bavk and dont look for him and  main guy is at a board meeting where 2 companies are gonna merge but letter guy hated it
they say main guy is responsible and girl references hi being b0ned by a big black guy in jail
they want him to go to soviet switzerland to bring letter guy back as they need him to merge
in there hes being drove by a guy asking if hes there 4 da cure and main guy is younger than most guys he drives
main  guy sez he never knew his dad and then we see him talking to his mom or w/e who is p-sssed at him for leaving her in a home and other cr-p
turns out that was a flash back and ddriver tellas main guy theres bad blood (AIDS) between the villagers and people who work on da hill
drver sez the area was owned by a baron fam and 1 wanted to marry his sister but the biggoted phobic villaggers killed em for it
in canada thats a hate crime
also it was 200 years ago
so main guy goes in but they wont let him see the letterman
so he goes back in the car and tthey  droove but a deer jumps out, gets hit, and instead of stopping, the driver keeps going and they crash
we see a scene of him watching someone cremated and he wakes up in a room with a leg in a cast and the dr sez he was out for 3 days
so he gets his crutches and wanders around seeing peiople in a pool and eventually sees a nurse who tells him where the letter guy is
he goes in da steam room and sees guys being hosed off and playing chess in a pool
he keeps going and finds himself in a room with no way out
he turns back and finds letter guy who dont wanna go back and that he and his people ruined some guy
they go on and letter guy asks what the stock is doing and eventually chooses to leave with main guy
as maiin guy is  outside, a  nurse sez this tree is where the baron hung a priest and mentions something about the water there being holy
previously, letter guy sed da human body is 65% water and that needs to be puriied
main guy chats with a chick he saw b4 his 1st leaving here who asks if hes here for da cure
so later he goes to see letter guy and his room is being cleaned
at dinner a  guy sez they use leeches for tummyaches and when main guy asks to see letter guy, they say he's not dooin good
main guy gets p-ssed at them eating time and starts  nosebleeding and blax out
so drs check him out and say its a concussion and ask if hes drinking da water
and main dr looks after chick like his daughter and she didnt speakk til 11
he sez main guy is f'd and needs to be purified from modern world pressures and needs a wwhiz sample
after main guy p-ssed in a cup he sees its gut all this sh-t in it
he's put in a water chamber that fills with a breathing thing in his mouth
dr sez life began in the oceann and we spend the 11st 9 months of ou life in water
so i guess he's an evolutionist
in da tank, he has memories of laying with a kite
when he opens his eyes theres eeles in it and a dr wont help him as he's j-rkin of to a nurses t-ts
he spazzes out and his mouth hose comes off an he dies in the tank
his body sinks to da eels as we see a kid in a caras his dad stops and jumps off a bridge
the drr finishes j-rkin off andgets him out despite his heart ending and when they look theres nothing in da water
i assume if main guy complains about the dr j-rkin off and letting him die, the union will fight for his right to j-rk of on the job
later hes talking to a patient who sez the real reason the ollagers iced da baron was dat he was experimwnting on villssgers and dried em out like mummies in Dpuble Dragon 3
also baron was trying to heal baroness
he talks to a hairless guy who dont know english and then sees chick riding a bite who sez shes got a condition
he gives her a ballerina toy froom his mom who's eyes r closed cuz shes dreaming and she drives him around on he bike
they escape the institute and go through town and in a bar he talks to driver
he asks a guy for a dr ut is told all drs are on da hill institute
over a beer, she sez her mom bit it and she takes vitamins and gives main guy some from an eye dtopper
he goes into a place and meets a mute who draws the castle burning and has the kmutes dad read his file he jacked from the institute
wait, its letter guys file and  dad sez the thing causing the letter guys issues is chroinc dehydration
also the barons sister wasnt sick, she wasnt able to breed as the kids she made were too deformed
dad cuts open a cow or hoorse or we and it spills out water and els and a weird cow baby
in the bathroom, chick puts on lipsitck and coems out and dances spazzy
main guy calls work and finds letter guy was super healthy and no one called them or told of the accident
and they got 24 hurs to get letter guy back or the deal goes up da a55
he fights a guy who tried too b0ne chick butgets beat down and nearly gutted with a big a55 knife but dr saves them
later main guy has a dream of chick in a bathtub of wiggling eels lke that chapter of kekko kamen but that had octopi
huh, this was banned in socviat viet nam and mayasianand was 12+ in france and 13+ in french canda
buncha degenerates
so main guy;'s toooth comes outand he gives it to a nurse and while she's putting it away he reads where letter guy is
he sneaks in and finds the lady who told him of stuff and her name is watkins liek sky watkins from la blue f=girl and urotsukidoji
she tells him the baroness was pregnant and the villagers cut it out and threw it in the well but i surviived and the barenoss dont know
she spazzes out or sdomething and he books it and has a smoke(he had cigarretees on him da hole time?!)
then he notices the room hes in has naked people in talks in da wallz and he sees letter guy in 1
letter guy spazzes a bit and main guy trys busting the tank with his rubber tiped crutch and vbooks it after that totally fd out
he meets the staff and they say this is a restricted floor and he covers saying he has a tooth issue
they take him to the dental room and strap him down as theyput dental meta in his face and drill open his front tooth
its pretty fd
somehow he gets out and to a car and escapes to town and sez what they were doing in there but the head cop sez they need evience and the dr and institute is important to da town
then the dr comes in saying main guy is a patient and mental and he grabs a knife from a thing
then letter guy comes out and sides wth dr and they take main guy back
later in the instiidtue he sreading a book about the baron and the toilet is spazing out and when he opens it its full of eels
but when he looks agn it none and he tears out da toiler
he writes a letter similar to the letter guys letter and breaks a glass to cut open his cast
his leg is ok and he sneaks out and bists a lock on da place the baroness got i and goes in
in there is a weird lab and a pictute of i think baroenes who looks like chick
chick puts on lipstick and goes into da pool and starts pooping blood or somethign  and da eels coome out
hairless guy dumps a body in a water and eels eat it and main guy fights and kills him
da eels leave chick and main guy runs up and meets chick who slugs him out and runs
she runs to dr and main guy gets there and fights off guards with a chair but then tells the patients are being made sick with something in da water and theres nothing wrong with em
the people stand up bu say they aint well and grab him
then he's strapped to a wheel bed and put in an iron lung and sees letter guy
dr sez stuff that rinks the water can live 300 years
and its dangeous to humans unless distilled through bodies and using eels
and sda last 200 years were the best in productivity and he shoves a tube in main guys throat and pumps eels in him with some kkinda weirrd forcefeeding fetish thing
he sez the cure for human condition is disease as only then is there hope for a cure
that dont add up
and he gets juice from this forcefeeding in an iron lung thing and gives it to chick as the vitimin dops
imagine if being forcefed eels made him devolve into some kinda phalllic creature
she sees main guy who;s borderline vegetable not and gives him his dancer thing
at night the institure guys wear white robes and hold  lamops like some kinda klansman thing and i think chick has some kinda wedding with dr
he shows her the lab dungeon thing with the picturre and sez she looks jjust like baroness did
msin guy gets it together enuff to notice something and busts a photo frame and see that dr and kid versionof chick were in the past
dr ties up her and seems like hes gonna b0ne her and its implied hes the baron and she's his kid who survived after being thhrown in the well
he tears off her dress and is gonna b0ne her but main guy comes down with gas poured around
dr sez: this is what the outside world has to offer" and pulls off his favce and shoves main guy
but main guy sets him on fire and tries to free chick
dr attax him and they fight as its either in a factory or on fire like in the lion king and aladdin
the institute burns and dr holds main guys head by the water but chick chops his head with a shovel like in braindead by peeder jackson
he falls in da water and the eels eat him and hte inmates  run around as main guy and chick escape
they escape on a biike and run into company guys there for letter guy but he's done
they want him in da car and he rides off on a bike with chick to start a new life in europe or w/e
the end
that wasnt as bad as i thought it would be
its got good creepy horror and disturbing sh-t
good music and some good themes
good mystery that slowly unveails
the acting is good and its its a decent horror film
people hated it and not many saw it, but i thought it  was ok and had a fw good moments
its kinda long but it dont drag or feel slow
for some reason i think of the movie Boy Erased when i think of this
sorta like the craft and the crow
for a cure for wellness 2 i want it to be the guy and the chick living in the woods in a hutt and eating animals but eventually some dog headed people come and they gotta fight em off. also hes devolving into some kinda eel creaturre and has  eel powers and she has pssychic attacks as a result of  the water thing. its also an 8 bit casltevania like game on nes, sega master system, tg16, game boy, game gear, atari lynx and atari 7800 where you play as one or 2 players and fight your way through the countryside against the dog head guys..

Sunday, April 19, 2020

Days Of Heaven Review

note; i spell like its 1916
days of heaven
this is my review on days of heaven from 1978
its got richard gear ad no one else i heard of
its directed by Terrence Malick who also did the thin red line and nthing else i heard of
i nver heard of or saw this b4 buty perople say its good
so it starts with images of the 20th century ad opening credits to music
after 2 mins we get guys by a furnace working and i think its a steel mill
mahgine pouring liquid steel in a guys a55
gear kills a guy and runs as a kid narrates over how him and his bro did cr-p
i think the kid is smoking
oh i think the kid is a chick
so they dont let guys know they are brother and sister like in star wars
she sez a guy named ding dong (like the man organ? did he do p0rn0?!) sez theres gonna be a big flame that purges da urth and the good go to Heaven
sounds like the intro to Primal Rage
they go by train to a farm place and girl makes friends with a chick
wtf, richard gere,s middle name is tiffany!?
What is he?! French?!
they call guys Alexis and Michelle
What next? Nicloe for Nicholas? Chirstina for Christopher?? Evelyn for Evan?
this is why they needed America to save em from Zee Kaiser
so at night they have some kinda Chruch thing in the outdoors and after that they use horsse drawn threshers and workers to get the hay
later its day and gear fights some guys sfor a bit
after more harvesting this guy shows an intestrst in the chik
bytw kid said shes from soviet chicago (like me) (but its a yankee state so it might as well be canada)
so gear f'd up 12 piles and cost him 3 dollars of pay and if he leaves hes fired
then don't f it up next time dumba55!
later gear overhears the head of da farm has 1 year left to live
he takes an interest in chcik and later its snowing and geer chats with chick about going to soviet neew york
so after more work narated by kid they say if u slack off they ship you out
we got a job to do here!
if ur just j-rkin off on the floor you gotta go!
this was b4 unions came in and gave the screw ups more rights than they needed
and boss finds out hes gona be the richest man in the area as he got a goof crop
chick feels for boss as he needs a gf and boss asks chick to stay with him as a job
so later gear chats with chick about doing something about their lives
is chick his sister?
i thought it was the kid
later kid talks to chick about cr-p and chick sez her dog bit her  ear when she was a kid
btw this movie is fullscreen and dont got the awful black bars
later the trains come and chick leaves kid and goes on em
kid later thinks about being a mud doctor and later she's talking woth chick (who i guess it was someone else who left) and chick is smoking
they hang out and later gere chats with chick about her having goodd hair
gear tells his story of wanting to be a big shot or w/e and his msteel mill malcontentary and later chick chats with boss about wanting to be a dancer and he sez he loves her
gear talks with chick about how he dont like guys checking her a55 out
later chick marries boss (like in mulan(the good one))
so gear moves into the house and the main guys just hung out in day and did stuff they did b4 sega
so gear and chic go out at night and its pretty bright
i think they b0ned but it was cut from the tv version as tom green or gear or w.esez hes in love with her
later, boss's aide warns him that chick and gere are not honst and when boss tells him "datz my wife!" aid suggests he leaves
b4 he goes, he tells chick hes on to her
latr its night and boss sez to chick he feels connected to her but she accts distant
later, president wilson (who hated zee kaiser and oppressed people for disagreeing witrh him and made laws against anti brit pro german stuff) drives by in a train
so kid narrates that boss is doing ok and not biting it and wants somwione to cap boss like hes a horse
latr grere is hunting birds with boss and nearly caps him
j fk time!
is this gonna be lik tom cruise in war of the worlds?
he kills the guy who took him in?
then some planes come by and land and 1 driveris EL ITALIANO!!
she sez its a flying circus and theres a mudget like a real ciris amd they put on slapstick shows
later boss confronts chck about her letting the gear b0ne her and how bros and sisters dont do that where hes from
good thing chicago is very progressive in alternative lifestyles
gear sez shes in lobe with boss and goes in a plane wth the italianoes
later its winter and we get a montage of chick, girl and boss hannging out on da farm
kid sez he taught her stuff
so later the grea comea back looking like a cowboy and sez sorry about pushing her into this
later the locusts attack and devour the crops like in The Good Earth from the 30s
at night this wagon catches fire and rolls around burning the fields as boss and chick stand before the flaming background like in Gone with the Wind
the fire gooes nuts and the workers spazz out
boss goes inside with gear and chiick and pulls a gun on her for lying to him
then its daytime and the fieklds are burned ,like in Reighn of Fie from 2002 and boss pulls a gun on gear
gere shanks hm with an item and runs off after getting chick and kid
aid sees boss shanked and later the trio are going down da river
kid sez chick sed she'd live a good life to make up for her crimes
but aid is after em
later gear runs from horsemen cops and gun him back to h e double california
after the service, chick gives girl to live at some home and goes off
later kid runs away with a friend who's bf is iin da army
they wait and no one shows and they go off on another adventure
the end
that was kinda nice
wtf, charles campbell? like the guy from shuten doji?
special thanks redd foxx?
but that was pretty good
not too dark, good lighting, good pacing and mood and feel
its a simpler time and has good music and long stretches of atmosphere and little dialogue
they could probably make this into a silent film if they used title cards
i liked it and it never dragged or felt boring.
i think the korea movie Parasite took some hits from this with its stoey and themes.
Foe Days of Heaven 2 I want it to be aboit the kid going into vaudeville and having a career in it. Also its a 16 bit vaudeville beat em up on sega genesis, snes, ga, tg16 and atari jaguar where you go around the early 20th century using a vaudeville kung fu to comically beat people up.

Thursday, April 16, 2020

The Accountant Review

note; i spell bad but aT LWAST i;m not ben afflack\
the acccountant
this is my review on the accountant from 2016(when robotech did cr-p)
it has candy a55 ben affleck, j k simmons, anna kendtick, jeffery tambor and john lithgow and is directed by Gavin O'Connor wjho i never saw any of his other films
i saw this b4 and thought it was ok
so it starts with a guy going through a building with a gun and cuts to a place in the 80s with some kids having autism attacks
1 nerd puts a puzzle together super quickand the other kis are spazzing out as his rents talk with the teacher about helping him learn how to function
his puzzle he puts together is missing a piece and he starts going mental that its not finished
eventually, this chick gives him the pieceand shesa bit spazzy too
oh and he duid the puzzle facedown so hes just matching the pieces  not the picture
hes a freekin machine!!
then its the present day andv bennifer afflack is an accountannt and working with humans but he's a bit soul less and mathy
then j k from spiderman and oz (the prison show where guys spread aids) goes over this chicks criminal past and sez sdhe lied on a form and if shwe dont wanna go to jail, she's gon=tta let him b0ne her
he really wants her for a mission to find this guy called lew carrol and other fake names who works with high rank crooks to find their stolen cash from their own men
i'm shocked that drug dealers can't be trusted
i mean if you cant rely on guys who sell poison to school children, who can you trust?!
j k is retiring in 7 weeks and wants her to find him and get his secrets
so ben goes home and eats on his 1 set of plates and in his bland home and runs a bar over his leg as he plays loud music and flashing lights to autisimize himslef
then flashback to nerd freaking out over his mom ditching em as she's had it wiith his sh-t
if my kid was ben affleck, i;d put him under the lawn mower!
his dad hugs him as he recounts the tale of solomon grundy and the in present day ben takkes his autsim pills
then does math as he tests a hyyge a55 sniper rifle on cantolouspes a mile away on the cluple from b4's farm

later he gos to this trailer in some place and plays classical music and lays in bed looking at a cr-ppy painting on the ceiling
then we see ben in jail in a flashback talking to a decroded inmate and after lights out he knows all these addresses and names
decroder sez if he goes down this road he cant go back and needs 1 person to trust
he's getting into p0rn0!!
then a voice on da phone sez someones looking for him in this time zone
then benito goees to a frim that needs him to check their books and the guy in charge is p-ssed at bennifers autism
so benito is looking at amputees trying on fake limbs as john lithgow from hollow point and footloose talk about the fake limb biz and how john needs benny to  do whatever he needs to to fix the company
so this britmo gets in his car and a crook gets in da car with him and pulls a gun
he puts it up britmos a55 and pulls the trigger and he asplodes all over
really he wants brit o to do somethign and beats on him for not giving the answers he wants then leaves
da next dae benito comes in and this chick has the files for him and was the one who noticed the accounting issues
a guy at a comnfferiece sez something about money going to bad guys and 1st chick gets info on ben taking out nearly a dozen guys like its nothing in a crime lair
later work chick chats with benny about her dad and accounting things and he's just like all the stuff she jokes about
so ben goes through the  books and writes on the glass and 1st chick listens to audio taped of the crime guys getting iced and hears part of the grundy poem
benno finds the money is being sent through a company that dont exist and tells work chick and this hag comes in and sends work chick away and ben tells her the exact number jacked
later its night again and crook from car confornts a guy and tells him to suicide so his  wife acan get the insurance money and he wont have to b0ne and ice his woman
all cuz the guy jacked cash
then its day and benifer comes in and they are cleaning his text off the walls cuz the boss bit it and john lithgow knows it was on purpose and they are done with benifer
ben gets a bit f'd as he never finished the project and work chick wonders if they drove boss to suicide
when ben gets home his rhythem is off and he's off balance and cant get his game on with his autistic rituals
on da cpuples farm he flashbax to his dad training him and his bro as kids in fighting like he's batman or ikki and shun or something
then some crooks have taken farm fam hostage but ben snipers 1
the survior takes em on a truck ride at gunpoint and ben caps the truck, kicks open thew back window, pulls the guy out, and takes him dowm with a belt
he gets him in a lock and gets info on the guys boss (the 1st chick), fiinishes him and goes him wghile on speeker fone to wipe out this cover nane
he calls work chick but shes not answeringand he gets to her in time to save her from hit men
he takres her to his trailer and sez he can be out w/o a trace in 12 mins and all his important cr-p is there
1st chick gets the stuff processed and fuinds the guy who whacked the mob guys is probably autistic and looks up bens alieases and finds they all were famous guys woth autism or math nerds
wait, i f'd up. the name in the belt guys thing was the work chick he was sent to ice next, not his employer
1st chick sees a guy about searching for beenito using stats like cash and white male with brown hair
so every guy in holly wood starring roles?
probably shauia lebeuf. he's  gone kinda nuts from all the chronic he did as a kid
so benny tells work chick he was trained by his military dad and hes got high functioning autism
she tells him a stpry of buying a 1700 $ vera wang drws and got it playing black jack (not the osamu tezuka characyer) and counted cards or w/e
she wanted to belong and be cool and  thinks we all wanna do da dame
so she lost all her cash but put a nickle in a slot and won 2000$ and used da extra cash for a limo
so instead of kissing her, he realizes that the guy behind the company thing was stealing his own money and investing it in the company to boost its stock
but why ddid da hag ask him to czech da boox?
find out today! on dragon ball z!
so ben 10 goes rambo or commando or the guy jean claude was in that movie andfinds the hag with a bullet in her head and a photographe of her and lithgow
so 1st chick figgers out beens real identry as hes been laundering his cash through small businesses in some city, i think soviet chicago, and gives most of his cash away
then we get a flashback of dad telling him and bro to be loyal and not victims
oh its advice to deal with bullys who were f ing with em
kid ben goes out and fights em and brother helps
dad sez benny is different that that scares peoplwe and in moden day he leaves a note for work chick and goes out
so j k and 1st chick go to bens place and hes not there and they find a big a55 gun and lots of security
chick tells j k of her crime of force feeding a drug dealer blow, beating im half dead and leaving him to cook in a car for 3 days
he lives but shhe saved her sister who was getting drugs from him
j k sez his past of being at the mob hit that benny did but en spared him with a gun at his head after he sez hes a good dad
daredeviil spares j johan jamison
turns out the decrode guy was a book cooker for the mob but went to jail and was gonna testofy against the mb when they tried to ice him
but the mob got him when he went outas jail and mutilated him dead
so thats why ben iced them
later, phone voice called j k and tpped him of a shipment in soviet new york
after ben found out decrode talker got it, ben busted a guards skull with a thermos and escaped
ben was in jail after he spazed out at a funeral and a cop pulls a gun and bens dad gets capped
and now when crooks go against bens moral code, his phone friend outs em to da cops
and now h k wants chick to be his replacement
and phone voice calls chick and tells em of the company lthgow has
so ben 10 snipers te bad guys at their base and takes a few out and car crook is there
then goes in with a machine gun and shreds some guys as car crook watches on camera
oh and lithgow is there
so benito goes in and takes out more guys like hes captain america (and just as commie as the disney actor) and takes out 1 guy by putting a grenade in the guys bullet proof vest and holding him til he pops
ben took a  legshot and f it! my tv box updated w/o my consent and has to load
so ben does his grundy rhyme and a guy there is his long lost brother like in battle arena toshinden or riki-oh and bro is normakl and is p-ssed that ben and dad went to the moms service and they fight
ben lets bro beat on his empty head and eventually easily beats him down and pulls a gun on him, but bax off
they reconsile and ben sez he knew where brobwas but didnt wanna contact him as his clients are dangerous
lithgow coes out saying his company could do a lot of good and make cash and ben just blows a hole in his skull with 1 shot
is this cain and abel or david and goliath?
maybe jacob and esau as they forgave eachother
so then we see a prss conference where they go oner the attack on lithgows home and some guys had anti aircradft hits on em and chick is there and sez it was a team effort
then at the place where ben went to learn ghuman actions, this fam talks with a guy about their autistic kid
kid goes through it and sees all these autistic kids and their kid finds a room with the spazzy girl from b4 grown up
her room has the puzzle ben did as a kid, framed, and she's spazzing out and she cant talk but uses a computer to comminicvate
the place is funded by private donorrs and shes the head guy theres daughter and she uses her comp to show shes the fone voice
work chick sets up her home and fies the damage done by ben afflekx fight and gets the painting ben had that he didnt wanna sell
also ben is driving his trailer around the coubtry
the end
that was not bad for a ben affleck flick
good fight sscenes, good feels, good flow
it doesnt drag but its kinda long
ben affleck is good at not showing emotion
good story and twists
it comes together well
i liked it
its sorta like a realistic hero movie
for the accontant 2 i want ben to be reeling from his not being able to complete a job and gradually goes more insane and taking out more people. also its revealed thatthe jobs he was cancelled from were ghired and ended b4 ending by a criminal group that wants him out so they can catch him and reverse engeneer his brain to make an army of autistic supersoldiers. also its a 64 bit ds and psp game where you play as him and go around beating guys up and caping em to complete missions and fight your way through various gang guys.

Tuesday, April 14, 2020

Demolition Man Review

Note i spell less accutrate than this movie
demolition man
thiss is my review on demolition man from 2001993
its got sylvester stallone, wesley snipes, sandra boullock, benjamin bratt, denis leary, glann shadix, rob schneider and Adrienne Barbeau from the 90s batman
i saw this b4 and its quite good
its said to be based on the book Brave New World that i never read but my mom thinks is cool
so it starts in los angelas in the distant future year of 1996 and its a monkey house
gun fights, burning cities, darkness
and simon phoenix is in it having caught a bus full of hostages
so john rambo i mean spartan busts in with unlimited ammo aparently and fights his way to phoenix who sez he told da gov "no one comes down here" and blames his victims
and john cant cap him as hes holding a blowtorch over a gas soaked floor
so after lighting it with a cigar, they fight and john beats the info outta phoenix(poilce violence! White cop beats up black guy! the news will make Phoenex the hero and the cop the bad guy!)
so john gets phoenix out b4 the building goes up but his boss busts his a55 over going in w/o authorization
john did a thermo check but there was only the gang
then they find the bodies of the hostagesand one skipped trial later(i assume the news made john look bad) john is put in a cryogenic prison until 2046 (after the invid leave) and his mind will be f''d with suggestion
btw theres all these little details like the assiatant warden being the head guy in da future and phoenix's comment of losing his head if its not attached that make this movie hreat
you watch it a few times and notice foreshadowing
then its the dustant future year of 2032 (after the invid took over) and sandra bullock is a cop in a wiener society where theres no real crime or disagreement and everyone is a candy a55
just like now
when this came out, my dad thought it was stoopid
but then the 2010s happened
suddenly, aa machine spraypaints graffiti on a metal thing, then its instantly burned off
and denis leary is planning a raid for food
when sandra gets in and hears of the 3 secornd graffiti she asks "why wasnt all cars notified?"
just like now wwhen they all the cops cuz someone put up a paper that sez "its ok to be white"
sandra likes the 20th century and thinks its cool and hs cr-p from the 90s on the walls
also the cheif of police rags on her for comments about wanting something to happen
just like the cops being called on twiitter posts
so phoenex is up for parole and knows the safe word to open da restraints and beats down everyone with his bare hands
unarmed man vs cops! hate crime!
also he  cuts out the wardens eye to use a  retnal scanner and escape and the cops are alearted to a murder death kill
the last one was in 2010 and todays cops dont know what the code word is
oh and its august 04 2032
remember that date
the computer sez its siimon phoenix and he was put away b4 they had implants to track guys
1 cop recalls him and how he tried to set up a kingdom in south central soviet LA
kinda like louis riel?
so they follow the car he jacked and hes searching for denis leary with some  kinda subconscious urge
he looks for a gun and when he swears too much the cops are called
just like idiots calling the cops on name calling today
the cops do jack sh-t to him and jack got aids as he beats their candy a55es
hes like if an eearth human went to mars and busted their 1/3rd gravity a55es
so then thehead of the new society blames this alll on learyand his merry men in a room full of monitors for a skype meeting just like today
when the fata55 from beatlejice tells leader of phoenix's rampage, leader tells cheif to do w/e he can
90s cop tells em of john rambo sparton the demolition man who took down phoenix and benjamin bratt dont believe 90s footage is real life as he's used to candy a55 life
1 part has the news asking why he nuked a 4 million dollar mall to save a child hostage who was worth 250 000 and the little girl sez f--k you to the news
perfect look at the news and how they are the bad guys
so they defrost rocky on ice and cheif is not pleased
they reveal to him its been 36 years, his wife bit it in the earthquake of 2010 (when robotech happened) and they don't know about what happened with his daughter
also ssanta barbra los angelas and sandiego fused and smmoking, drnking, smokes, uneducation toys, aborrtion, pregnancy and swearung is illegal
after da toilet, he sez theres no toilet paper but has 3 sea shells they use that he dont know of and rob schneidet laffs like a ret-rd
he recconnects with 90s cop and swwears a lot to get  tickets to wipe his a55 with
also he dont like da low freedom future and how he got a tracket put in him
cheif sez phoenix is gonna start up a drug ring but sparten sez he's going for a gun
huh, cheif is played by Bob Gunton wjo was in shawshank remdemytion and patch addams
on the way to da museum, they listen to da radio where they hear commercials from the 50s and think its what people in the 20th century listened to as music
phoenix gets to the muesem guns and throws a guy through the glass he can't hit through to get da guns but realizes" this is da future! where all da phazer guns!?" and shoots open the magnetic accelartor gun case but ther museum lox down
the cops arrie and they dont have guns like its f--king england and have rods to zap people out
phoenix uses a cannon to blow open the lock down and fights jonn after jon getys a gun
had he not had the gun, he'd be f'd
good guy with a gun!
they wind up in a preserved area of soviet los angelas after a quake and phoenixs mag gun blows oprn a fire hydrant(its still got water connected to it?!)
ater beating hm with a tv (which nowadays theu'd make him look bad for) he shocks the water with his rod and phoenix gets away after another mg blast
he holds up leader but cant ice him and leader tells him to ice dennis
john rambarten comes in, phoenix flees and to thank him, leader invites him to taco bell
holy cr-p! right after stallone sed taco bell, it went to commercial and i got a taco bell add!!
thats worse than on degrassi jr high; kathleen is anorexic and bulimic. after binging and purging she looks in the mirror saying to herself; ur so fatt!! right after this is a commercial break. the 1st commercial? MCDONALDS!!
so they regroup and find all money is done by coding in theitr hands like the Bible warned us of and phoenic cant buy or sell cr-p
then on the way to tako bell, bullock sez schwarzenegger was president
i wish!!
too bad we got that commie from africa
also now all restaurants are tako bell as they were the only ones who survived the franchise wars
sounds like dante's inferno!
i never had mexican food!
so leader and stallone chat and its said that things went to h e double california after a while and he fixed things
and when john was in ice he was aware of everything and everyone thought they dont feel anything in there
is that a thing on the unborn??
then dennis leery's men attack and they look like mad max guys
stallone fights em off and finds they just wanted food
its revealed they are the scraps who dont like livig in their world and live underground like in beast machines or yugioh 5Ds
spartin tells off bullock for loving him beating up those monkeys andlater he tells herhe wonders about his daughter but he dont want her to search 4 her
she gives him a gamecube disk and then leader meets pgoeni in his office and leader explains he trained phoenix in prisoon to ice huys to take owut deeenis for him
phoenix wants leader to defrost more guys to help him and he wants a city of his own like robotnik in the sonic 3d games
leader sez hes gonna refreeze john after deenis wacks deenis
so john and bollock go back to her place with 50s cr-p in it and she wants to b0ne him after seeing him beat people upp
he hasnt b0ned in 20 years
as 10 years in thev dr's played a prank with his body
so bullock uses head things to give them some kinda virtual thing of them in aflashing lights thing as da love boat theme plays
not the 1st time stallone b0ned on camera
he takes off his headthing and explains he wanted to b0ne her butshe sez itas illegal as after aids was more cr-p andb0ning ruined society
kids are made in labs and kissing is illegal
is j-rkin off illegal?
as a teen i thought it was after peewee got arrested for it
i mean we got smilar laws
if a 16 year old texts a picture of his weener to a guy he likes he's charged with p0rn0 of an underaged kid: himself
so a teen j-rkin off is him grabbing a 16 year olds parts
also we have laws against doodling fictional guts under 18 doing stuff
if i drew bart b0ing skinner i'd go to jail
and its illegal to watch certain games or movies in china, cuba, north korea, australia, england, canada, new zealand, germany, and other commie countries
if you can't watch cool devices in soviet canada cuz its "degrading" to illistriuations of chix being SM'ed then it makes sense other things would be illegal
so rambo goes back to his apartment andv a nakked chick calls but its wrong number and watches the gamecube disc of phoenix not capping leader
so later stallone sez he has the urge to knit and its reveealed he was programmed in cryoosleep to knit
my grandpa was a tailor in soviet poland
and phoenix's rehab program was said to train him to ice people
they go to see leader who programmed pgoenix and hes on skype monitors and points out him surviving phoenix for 9+ seconds is not usual
he points a gun to leaders head after capping his monitors and leader sez to lock spartewn up
sarten goes out as tthe cops cant stop him with words and he brings benjamin bratt and billick to the underground where he figgers fenix is as they dont monnitor it, care of it, or go into
i just rrealized that had leader not candied everyones a55, he could've sent cops doown there to take out denis leary
in there hee has a burger and beer but its a rat burger like in violence jackk evil town
btw the plot of this was ripped off by Konami in Contra Shattered Soldier
the people aint violent and they meet deenis who is fighting the non freedom leader forces on em
btw, this seems tio be one more thing the matrix ripped off
the media makes him look like the bad guy as hes not one of em like with Trump
meanwhile, phoenix has his men, fills em in on the situation and they wanna take out leader and run things
they attack denises place and dennis and stallone hold em off and phoenmis escapes up da man hole like a ninja turtle
stallone and bilokck get up in an elevator that busts through floors sopmehow in a 1970s oldsmobile and theres a car chase like in judge dredd but not on hovercycles
bullock drives bad and stallone gets on da roof and jumps on phexiz carand rhey fight as phoenix sez the hostages from 40 years ago were already dead and sparten went to jail for nothing
phenix gets out and pratisdrives the car into a thing but it fills with j-zz and protects him
then cheif comes by to arrest him but just yells and does sh-t as he dont got a gun to make people follow the law (like soviet england)
then denes comes up andbenjammin bratt has joined em and spartin and buloki drive off
btw, this supet contriolled city thing was used in chi na by da commies
so phinix sees leader who wants to use this chaos as an excuse to oppress more people and phoenix has his freedman shoot him
bob the beetlejuice fata55 sez he can work for phoenix and was probably b0ned by him after this scene
so spartan and sandra fight guys and she wastes a guy to save spartan and she sez she learned to fight from jackie chan films
PLOT HOLE!! they thik the jolly green giant is a 20th century music song
how do they get axis to jackie chan films?!
so they find leader cooked on da fire and see phoenix is thawing the cryocrooks
phoenix wants dahmer unthawed as he loves that guy and i think that means they b0ned
stallone glow rods ot bollolkoand goes in commando to take outphoenixs men in cryo babks
phoecxin uses a claw machine cklaw to grab him amd shoot at him, missing every shot(not even in the arm or anything) but sly uses a collant pipe to freeza and bust da giant claw
phinix uses a lazer to bust the area and spoill fluid on da floor and they have a fustfight
they just beat on each otther like raoh and kenshiro in the last battle andstallone is beat down but hits a freeze pod to freeze the area and hang on the claw, then kick off phoinixs head which shatters on da floor
then the place blows with all the convicts (even those wrongfyully arrested) going to h e double new york and stallone outsruns a fireball
so with leader in h e double england and the cryoprisin done, the scabs andelites gotta coeexist and fata55 ants to work with denis
stallone smoochews  sandra and she likes it (never been kissed!!) and its implied they gon b0ne
the end
hay, kane hodder, jack black and jesse the body ventura were in this
so this was quite good
it nailed the future andwe aint even there yet
Christopher flick in editors looks like irt sez f--k
2nd cameraman; john holmes
the p0rn0 actor?!
this is why i read credits
theres good names in em
but i liekd this
its got good action, music and themes
it shown where we can wind up if we aint careful
and it got how unamerican sociat california is
its got a genesis game i got on my multicart and i otta play it sometime
plus this inspired judge dredd with rob schnieder and stallone saving the future
plus the whole; keep the past hidden to keep people under control, was done by commies who wanna esare history like tearing down statues or being shi na
this was cool and clever and deep and was a great look at a possible future
good thing for america standing up to the commies
for demolition man 2 i want it to be years later and spartan has found his daughter and she's a bada55 who lived underground. but the society has people who liked the restrictive way of life rising up and having violent protests to try to force the oppressed way of life backk. and its up to stallone and his daughter to fight through them and beat doen their leader. its also a 16 bit sega genesis, snes, tg16, atari jaguar and gba game where you play as one or both of em and wail on commies.

Sunday, April 12, 2020

Weekend At Bernies Review

note; my spelling makes more sense than this movie
weekend at bernies
this is my review on weekend at bernies from 1989
it stars no one i know of and was directed by Ted Kotcheff who did first blood(rambo 1) north dallas 40 andfamily of cops
i saw this b4 bbut usually i started half way in so i thought it began with them going to burnyz
last time i saw it i saw the 1st hour and it wasmnt that great
so these 2 80s dudes go to work on da weekend a d1 is fun and ones a stick in the a55
its hot and the work turned off the AC so they go to da roof and sit in a kiddie poolbut then they find the same life insurance check was cashed 4x on4 different dates
they go to da boss's building and nerd sees a chick hes gay for and dude wants him to ask her out
after he f's out talking to her they go have a hot dog and dude whines about sometone having a better life than him in soviet new york
btw this wwas rated 16+ in germany, 15+ in sooviet england and sweden and 6+ in norway
so later nerd gets a date with his crush but lives with his rrents and needs a place to take her
huh, vool guy was in prett in pink and Mannequin
then they see burny and he sez the policy has mulitple parts to it but they say they were issued after he bit it snd burny is impressed and to not tell anyone yet and inbites em to his place
then burny tellss his crime homies they gotta ice the guys and crime homie's wooman is into burny
they choose to ice the guys andd make it look like a murder suicide but after burny and woman leave, crime guy wants to ice burny too as hes b0ning his woman
so nerd is dating crush and shes ggoing back to college soon
hipe its not a waste of cash like gender studies
so they go back to his place and he trys not to wwake his rents and he makes up excuses and lies to cover that he lives with them
this is a55!
get to the dead guy!
then dad comes in the kitchen in his undies and nerd sez its his butler
after dad tells nerd off, she books it
so then its day and burny is having a good time and tells the hitman to not ice the guys while hes around
so hitmann injects burny with drugs and puts shades on him as he goes to h e double california
the guys arrive on the island annd at burnyz place this bikini blonde comes in saying burny's around
they find him and move him around thinking hes asleep or something and find a lot of drugs on him
nrd realizes berny is dead and guys comes in thinking he's alive cuz he's got shades
turns out every weekend guys come to party
dude dont wanna ruin the weekend so he twists things to get nerd to not out burny biting it but nerd only goes with it when he sees his crush
so later nerd and crush go to a light house and he gets light in his face and falls
then they make out on the beach and burnys corpse washes on shore and he books it and gets dude to help him bring burny back
then berneis woman coomes in and is p-ssed as he's cheeting on her
she goes up to his room and b0nes his corpse not knowing hes dead
the hitman sees this and thinks burny is still alive
then its the next day and dude hooked burnys arm to a string to wave and plays monopoly with a corpse and i think he cheats
also he jacked burnys rolex and nerd gets pp-ssed at that and dude latting his sleep til 11 30
crush cimes by and nerd almost tells her burny is in h e double england but just sez hes his boss, but eventually sez hes dead
she dont buy it after his lies b4 and
meanwhile, dude dumps burny off the patio and hitman fights him until burnie is dead
nerd takes crush to see burny but dude comvers it
btw, shouldn't burny start to bloat and stink?
imagine a scientiffically accurate more realistic remake where burny is all swollen in the heat and microvbes in his guts and he starts blasting gas out both ends.
then hee falls and his gut busts open and his rotting organs spill out
with all these modern mroe realistic less fun remakes, i;d say theyd do that
nerd pix up da fone and finds a message saying bernie was gonna ice em
they realize bernie is stealing from the coompany and they find a note saying dude stole from the company to pay for his secks change sergery and couldnt take it when nerd loved someone else
totally not like dog day afternoon
they realize that berny sed not to ice em when hes around so they get bernie;s body to keep around em as a body guard
they get him from a kid beerying him in the sand but kkid uses a cap gun to make em think they'd being fired on
they staple burnies toupee back on and go out wwith hm with burnys legs tied to theirs to try to get to the ferry back but it leaves w/o em
they go back to da house and the gardener who burny fired comes in and they bust his head
then another gardener comes and nerd busts him too
they go to burnys boat and f around as they don't know how it wotrkls and cause damage
bbernie falls out and is hanging by a rope and bangs into boueys
they go back to burnyz hhome and crush sees em and they show  her bernies dead
then hitman comes in and empties his gun in bermie
then sees the heroes and they book itas he opens fire
in the chasem bernies body treips him abd as hitman fights the corpse,  dude ties him up in a comic fight with a phone cord
so the cops come and hitman has gone nuts and they take burny away but the ambulance bumps something and burny fallls out and lands behind the heroes
the kid then stars berryong burny in the sand where his gasses will leak out and stink up the place
oh and the blonde chick sez: see you at da party tonight!"
the end
that was nice
a silly fun 80s film
costume  guy; richard "dick" butz
david outlaw
danny spine
is this a p0rn0??
but i liked it
its a mild offbeat fun movie thats not too dark or srs
it works abd seems sorta like biodome with 2  slackers doing cr--p
yeah its kinda dumb but its bright, sunny, colorful and entertaining
i liked it and its got good fun
for weekend at berniiews 2 i wannt it to be the night andno one knowsbernie bit it. they party but slowly his parts start falling off and no one notices. aso he starts swelling up fron thw gas and decay in his tract and eventually blows open and his innards splatter all over. its also a 32 bit party game on ps1, sega saturn, n64 and gba where you play as up to 4 party babes and do different events before bernie blows and whoever gets the most points wins. also there's a final round where you gotta clean his guts off the room and whoever cleans the most off gets a bonus thing.

Friday, April 10, 2020

Jem And The Holograms Review

note; i spell bad. but this movie did worse at theatres
jem and the holograms
this is myy review on jem and the hoogams from 199-2015
people say this movie s-cked and after doing a55 at a week in theatres it went out making less than half its 5 million $ budget
but big trouble in little china did bad and was great and i like movies based on toys and shows sometimes so maybe it'll be good
i never saw the original 80s cartoon and never really read about it
but i did see a few robot chicken things of it
for me, the 80s were like the 1st robotech war and i'm like dana sterling
but i like NES and Master System and TG16 games i played on later things like unlocking Contra and Super C on the DS game Contra 4
So this gilm stars no one i know except molly ringwald and the chick from sharknado
and was directed by jon m chu who did 2 of the Step Up movies, 2 Justin Bieber movies, Crazy Rich Asians and a G I Joe movie
I never saw any of those(wait, i saw a few mins of 1 of the bieber ones on tv)
this was pg in america but12+ in korea, russia and hungary and 13 + in the soviet phillipines
so it starts with clips of people playing instruments  on soviet youtube and a chick talking of people having secret identitys and multiple personnas and she dont know which is da real her
it main chik talking of her going to sviet california with her kid sister(Look out for producers! Woody allen likes em young and female) and she made friends
after her fam bit it she moved in with an aunt or w/e and her dad was an inventor who called her his jem
spoiler; its Gem!!
Like Gem-Knight in Yugioh!
Or is this like Mortal Kombat where they spell wrong to be Kool?
so her dad bit it b4 finishing sinner G (Spelled with numbers like a 00s kid trying to be cool on MySpace) and she lives with a buncha chix as her new fam homies
is this wjole movie gonna be her telling her life story in a youtube vid?
i se why this guy did the bieeber movie; its the same thing!
so her homies bicker over 1 modding their clothes w/o consent and then they sing
is that moly ringworm as the aunt??
so gem-knight has earings from her dad and her and her homies do a musc video in crwzy 80s clothes
after a montage of makeovers in glamrock outfits slpliced into them playing and holding phones, she gets a mail fromsomeone and talks to molly saying they got 30 days to do something or they lose da home
after drawing pentagrams in her book and writing, she gets Sinner G and reads a thing on da back saying not to fear
she styles herself and sez shes jem and plays a buummer song as her phone records
her homie uploads it with consent andit gets lotsa viers and likes and everyone is talking about it online
gen is bummed sshes famous and popular but molly gives her advice to go for it and she chats with a msic guy to negotiiate an offe
he comes over and wait, its just the music guys bodyguard or w/e and the guy is really a chick who owns the music thing
she wants genma to work for her and tells em to stay off twitter as that site is f;d and for commies
alsi the chix get to reinvent themselfs and they go to sovirt hollywood and they are told not to smoke drink or go ot after dark
knowing how soviet califormia is, thats good advice
plus they decriminalized aids spreading
some degenerate can run up and stick you with a needle, and thats it!!
so they have a oster made and the chix have a montage of dressing up and trying on cr-p
later jem narates that people wanna be someone else and that dont happen oftewn
later sinner G activates at night and da chix check it out amd its rottally not ripped offg by bb8  in star wars gx
it  plays a song and shows a map on the ceiling to some place jem went with her dad and needs to be taken there
again totaklly not like star wars gx
so they go there and its night and they find a star carved in a set of rods in the ground and sinner G plays video of gen and dad playing guitar
a thing opens in da floor and they finda piece of plastik that sez create ur own destiny and she equips it ti inner G who shows more coordnates to a club
then bodygrud comes by and gets p-ssed at em for beajking cewfew andtripping a silent alarm on the place they broke into
da cops are comming so they jump in the ruiver and devolve into crab people from all the poison, drugs and doseasein the water
jk they swim away and on the land bodygard sez musi excetutive is his mom who punishes him by making him work with cr-ppy musiians
and all her acts are cr-ppy and need autotune so gen amd frirnds sing a song with their mouthes and he joins in
and sinner G tapes it
so music ecextannounces her site is da only one to have ghem and they aint gonna out who gem is
later gem is gonna perform at the cub sinner |GG Shinobi told em about and the chix are told all ths cr-p about how to look and act
makes me glam i'm not famous
i write cr0ppy a55 reviews on a blog
so thy play the song if u got young blood and the crowd loves it
then she realizes she was playing her dads guitat and finds a platsic thing that she equips to sinner G
then a montage of clipps from the web about how everyone loves gem tat was gotten from fan submissions about the 80s cartoon
also chris pratt and da rock were in here for 1 scene each
so gemis having issues with having a secret identity and chats with body gierd and he sez he likes her for her not jem
exect mom comes in and thinks they are gonna be b0nning so she tells him to get disipline and she wants him to run her compsny
more teen issues!!
was the 80s show like this?
h-ll if i know. i was born in 87
so jemm skypes with aunt ringwaled and molly lost an appeal and has a week to get da cash for the house
then gem gets a solo contract form exect and if she don't she gets replaced as no one knows who gem is and she an fake it
this is turning into wild guitar
then the band finds out shes going solo and gets p-ssed and walks out
gotta have that bummer part aroundd 2/3rd through da folm to make people feel like cr-p in a fun family movie
so she performessome bummer song like from the 1992010s as purvuets dance behind her
wasnt the 80s show bright and colorful and cheerful and glam rock?
so the gem tells a story of a band breaking up on a shhow and a guy busted a guitar on a guys head or something and gets bummed about her band going to h e double england
then goes to some place and cries as 1 homie retutrns and comforts her saying she should hhave told them the truth from the start
but they didnt let jem tell her and just yelled at her and ran off
then her homies come back after being away fro like a few hours or somethin
then body gaurd comes by and sez she has to solve the puzzle her dad left and she realizes the last piece is her earings, which are in the music thing which is guarded
they gootta break in but im thinking, WHY?? just go in when you hav time. is there any reason you otta get the puzzle finished tonight?! also, don't you work there? just say, hay, i gotgot something of mine upstairs. just gotta run up and be back in like 2 mins.
so bodyguard meets some beta male who works for exect and gets kkeys from him in exchange for saying he'd give his mom a demo of his work
the homies bug the guards and act like bimbos to have em take a picture of em to keep their attention as jem and bodygaird go in
then exect mom comes by wanting the keys to her car beta male gave bodygiard and after some stumbling, he sez bodyguard took em and his demo to keep the wotrld from hearing his music
exect; no one cares about your music!!
that made me laff
so bodyguard and jem sneak into the exects room where jems earings are for some rason and in a safe and bodguards dads will is there
but them exect mom comes in and they play beta males demo which is cr-p and they turn it off and look around
then the secruity cameras play internet memes of a squirrel skiijng on water and its the homies doing that
so exect locks down the building andjem puts on her jem wig and make up and the guards dont know its really herand get gem to sign his arm as bodygaurd gets out
thats actually kinda clever
using her persona and anonymity to get out
and its the exects fault as she kept her true identiy a secert
so jem pyts her earings together and it forms a jewel and she puts it in sinner  G and he spazzes out and plays a video odf her dad who sez shes grown up and gives her advice that was written on the plastik he left around town
and he explains how each place he hid the plastic was important to her and in meaning to it
what if one got torn down or closed or burned or earthquaked out?
this is a decade later
who knows when san andraes is finally gonna send california to h e double mexico?
then kid jem comes in the vieo and hugs dad and he sez she'd see it when she;s grown
its actually kinda touching
i almost cried
then she sez her real name (jerrica ) which i dont think is a real name and her homies come on and they are gonna  have 1 more concert and show everyone who they are
she uploads the vid and ggoes to ger final consert
then she watches a bunch of losers and beta males and females sayng how gem helped em with their cr-ppy lives
exect sez jem has to do it solo butt bodygiard sez the will sez he can take over da company when he feels hes ready (What a good idea to put in ur final wishes for your malcontent teen son) and the other goons take exect away to be exeuted like in 50 cent get rich or de trying
she sez "diss aint ovaa" and goes off to plan her revenge like dr claw and jem and friends go up for da show
she sez jem is anyone who expresses anything and needs to be heard or some cr-p from a teen drama
they play a 2010s song with lazers and lights and we get video clips of teens saying how gem helped em be who they are and cr-ppily dancing
then an new exect comes in to sign em and bodyguerd sez their band name is gem and the holograms
i wanna take his face... off!
who am i? i'm spider man!
all thanks to these... mystery men!
so gem posts the vid and halfway through da creits, exect sees some tough chicks who are a band she replaced and she tells em her son (who's named  rio like in drvilman) is dating gem and the leader of the bad guys band agrees to help her take down gem
the end
that wasnt too bad
i mean its not super awesome and the music isnt great but its got a few scenes of heart and shows how bad exectutives in soviet california are
its sorta dark and colorless and dngy and pretty 2010s
but its not awful
granted, i never saw the 80s show but i felt on its own, this movie wadnt awful
then again, i didnt hate ddragin ball evolution so theres that
Its giot a few good moments and some fun and a bit of charm and doesn't feeltoo long or draggy
for jem and the loiograms  2 i want it to be about a growing rvalry between the new band and gems band and it devolves into the fans having gang attacks on each other for liking the wrong ind of music. soo Soviet California is a burned out cesspool of crime, drugs and aids (Too late) and the gang wars own the streets. also its a 16 bit beat em up on sega genesis, snes, gba, atari jaguar, and tg16 wheere you play as up to 4 gang members on a bands side and go aroundbeating and capping and hammering through the enemy turf to get to their band's hq and take on the other band in a death match.