Sunday, April 26, 2020

Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets Review

Note: i spekl interplanetewry
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
this is my review on Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets from 2017 (The year Voltage Fighter Gowcaizer happened)
i never saw this butr its by Luc Besson and is based on a french comic
but french is non canon!
it stars dane dehaann, clive pwen, trihanna, ethan hawk, herbie hancock,. Ruytger Hauer, John Goodman, and a buncha others i never heard of
so it starts woth this space statiob thing being linked together to the song ground control to major tom
all these different racesa are working together to make it like its captain planet
then theres aliens
so the station later gets too big to stay in orbit (its brigger than the moon??)  and they send it out to soviet outer space
then title
then this blue chick like in farscape is living in i think soviet new york wiith others of her kind and the statue is mostly under water
so they get these pearls or w/e and give 1 to la blue chick who uses it to make this creature poop  bumch more into a sand cauldren and then they are attacked by flming ships falling outta da sky
so they get to the sheltrs anf 1 blueis left outside and when the fire blast from the falling bursting metal comes, it sacrisices itself and the wave from it reaches main guy who';sa on the beach with a blonde
they clash like jack baker and karen penn from robotech and the beach is an illusion and they are in a space thing on a mission
the computer sez the memory waves are from anywhere in da universe and even present or past
like that ep of reboot with the funhouse?
so they go to this planet and ride a hover bus to this place
also he asks her t marry him cuz she sed he needs committment and other cr-p
so they go to this market in another dimension and they need glasses to see it and a spexial box to bring anything back
what is this? Pokemon Platinum where you go underground?
so these blue guys meet this jabba the hutt looking c-ck sucker and trade him a pearl for it and they can gget more for him
they pull guns on him but he pulls guns back and b4 anyone fires, mai  guy gets jabba goodman at gunpoint and takes the iitem
as main guy leavesa space dog bites his box and chaos erupts
he cant get his arm outta da busted box and a guy covers it with weights aso hgev cant getta way
he uses the weights to bust through da swewr grate and fall int an underground
a midget alien takes a weight and fires it and an alien and the rest stick to it and main guy goes on a chase through the beach and in our realm he's knocking oveer cr-p
he meets main chick who fixes da arm box and he DIMENSIIONS THE DICE to escape
so guards hold off the dog thing and main guys get 2 a bus and fight off the still following space dog unrtil main guys get to the shuttleand escape
but that dog still wont give up and clings to thr  ship but they warp out nd it falls back to the planet
wat is this? chucky?
if we dont see a body, its not dead
so they find they have the pearl pooping creature and put it in a spae microwave thing and they find the pearl has more power init than the whoole ship
the planet it was from bit it 30 years ago and main guy remembers it from his dream
is this like the quantm serge from beast wars?
so they go to the space station from b4 whicch has thousands of species working together like the Sebtinels in Robotech
so they report to theirr c o and he sez theres a radio active zone thats infecting the stayion and killing everyone in it
the creature poops out a bunch of stuff and the army guys torutethis blue guy for info
they tell their superuor of the creature and the leaer or w/e has a meeting wwith the alien leaders about the radio actirvity and main chick asks some spacr thigs for info
then theres an alert that they are under attack by things comming through da walls
then the blue guys bust through da wall like kakko kamen and start cappin everyone
so i missed some as i was reading of the actrress who plays the chick and found she's pretty f;'d up and they wake up oin cloth things and the commander is missing and chick tells main guy where to go
he plows through the walls and uses a platform hgun like in gargoyles quest of mega man 02 to run over air and she gives hhim bad directions so he falls like a few thousand feet and dont use that platform gun
man we're like an hour in
that felt like nothing
so then he's in a spacercraft and fires on the enemy ship but it splits into many so he chazses 1 across this big a55 cgi city
so main guy dissappears and chick wants to go after him as points out the blue atttackers didnt ice any of em but just put em to sleep
but the general sez no and has her restrained
she gts da guards to cuff her cuz she's into SM but uses it as a chance to beat em down and escape
then gets info from the space things that commander was captured for having the creature and makes em guide her at gunpoint
if it weren't for her gun, main guy would wind up in h E Doyble Canada
she goes underground and goes on this cr-pmobile ship with a geezer and there's these space whaleswith parasites that feed off the water they make
so they get a paradite and she wears it on her head like iwht akira fudo in devilman and sees visoons of what happened to main guy
using this, she finds him and he's ok and thry bicker about how he knows she wants him
so they get caught by frog people (not frenchies(they are too evolved for that)) wait, its just chick who gets caught
the officers up in control room see 1 species was delwted from da database and main guy jacks a guards outfit to blend in the city
theres h00kers everywhere and he dont consent to b0nming them as he dont want space aids
he meets a scuzzmo who is in all these kinda movies and they go in this place
the frogz dont speak english (just like in soviet canada)and wanna hve chick try on h00ker dresses
she gets mad at frogmo annd frogmo blasts her with aids breath
so scuzmo shows main guuy some strppers and its rihanna who he's not into
sh sez she started at age 4 which is a bit old for most of hollywood and she tries to seduuce him but he pulls a gun on her and she turns into a jelly monster
he offers to set her free if she helps him find maiin chick
btw she totally isnt mistique from x men
so he wears her and she fakes being scuzzmo and they unlink for a sec, then relink to look like a frogmo
so they go in and are in a line with frogz and its like with that ep of DBGT where Pan faked being a Robot to save Trunks and Goku and they feed this fat froga tentacle thing and see chick wearing a dress and big mexico hat
fat frog tries to feed on her fbrains and main  guy with gell giirl fights off the frogs
they unlink and fight frogs and escape through da floor
the general or w/e gets access to stuff so he can lead and learns da busted blue guy planeet at the start happened cuz of war and it was sed 2 b uninhabited
so in da underground, slime girl is damaged somehowand b---ches about having a cr--py time and  eventually bites it
gotta have dat bummer moment 2/3rds through the film!
gotta make people feed sad!
every movie!!
even romance action and comedy!
so main gu sez la blue dead girl from da start of this has been guiding him like in hikaru no go or w/e
they find this weird barrier and they goes in and theres  blue guys in it
the leadder of da blues sez his daughter sent her ki or w/e into him through space and time (WAIT, IS THIS SCIENTOLOGY!?) and it found him as a host
they tell their backstory and its pretty much avatar where these blue guys lived in peace with natute and then hthere was a war from otherworlders and it f;d their planet
totally not like robotech with the invid!!
the survidors escaped in a dalvaged ship from the war and they learned from it and about all the cosmos and the humans who bbusted theitr world
they were found by scrap dealers and made it to the space statiion in hiding untiil they could make a ship of their own
now they can restore their world but need the creatuire and the pearl
also the humans wanna wipe em out as theuy know of humans busting their wolrd
yeah like anyone would beliecve em
logic error
they wake up commander who sez it was uninhabited and main guys say he ignored them to wun the war
he sez huamns would be f'd econimically and politically if they admitted it over  reparations and he did it for his people
he has a point
a lot of innocent humans would suffer over this
commander orders main guy to arrest the aliens and he slugs out his superior officer
bte this is totally not at all like avatar
chick wants to guve em the creature but main gguy sez itsgov property and trust the system despite having slugged out his boss and she sez soem cr-p about it being love that breaks all rules and if he loved her he'd do this and the blues forgive and thats love and other hippy cr-p
what a manipulative b-ch
hope the frogs b0ne her ddead
so he gives in and they smooch and she sez "we are to blame for the loss of ur planet" despitre them not being alive when it got nuked and gives em the creature
so the humans upstairs find the scanners detect o radio activity and the blue monkeys use the creature to poop out pearls to power this thing that makes some kinda copy of their world or w/e
i dont know whats going on
the humans outside are gonna blow it but the space blues come out and main guy contax  general to say tocall off da attack
they reveal the story that its all cuz of a white straight male in charge who f'd e,m and they get commander to talk but he sez to waste em and they open fire on the hippies but soome robots attack the command center in the humann thing and the soldiiers at the barrier
general has da attack and nuking of em or w/e stopped at the last moment and the aliens blues launch off in a space pod thing
commander is arrested despite there being no evidence left and main guys are on a pod in space
he asks her to marry him and gives her a pearl and she sez maybe and they make out
the end
that was interesting
its kinda commie propaganda but its a well made film
its pretty much a clone of robotech and avatar but it had a few good things
its got good effects and action and acting and sci fi and some creative stuff
too bad its widescreen
but other than the bad stuff, it wasnt ba
for Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets 2 i want them to get back and find the commader has been trtied but as there was no evidence of the aliens, he was found not guilty and has aintained command. so the main guys from the 1st film start a =n anti human rebellion and get aliend and self hating humans to join it. its also a 16 bit action game on snes, sega genesis, tg16 gba and atari jaguar where hyou play as eithe rcommander's human foces tking down malcontents, or malcontents lead by the main guys and try to take down the humans.

No comments:

Post a Comment