Friday, April 10, 2020

Jem And The Holograms Review

note; i spell bad. but this movie did worse at theatres
jem and the holograms
this is myy review on jem and the hoogams from 199-2015
people say this movie s-cked and after doing a55 at a week in theatres it went out making less than half its 5 million $ budget
but big trouble in little china did bad and was great and i like movies based on toys and shows sometimes so maybe it'll be good
i never saw the original 80s cartoon and never really read about it
but i did see a few robot chicken things of it
for me, the 80s were like the 1st robotech war and i'm like dana sterling
but i like NES and Master System and TG16 games i played on later things like unlocking Contra and Super C on the DS game Contra 4
So this gilm stars no one i know except molly ringwald and the chick from sharknado
and was directed by jon m chu who did 2 of the Step Up movies, 2 Justin Bieber movies, Crazy Rich Asians and a G I Joe movie
I never saw any of those(wait, i saw a few mins of 1 of the bieber ones on tv)
this was pg in america but12+ in korea, russia and hungary and 13 + in the soviet phillipines
so it starts with clips of people playing instruments  on soviet youtube and a chick talking of people having secret identitys and multiple personnas and she dont know which is da real her
it main chik talking of her going to sviet california with her kid sister(Look out for producers! Woody allen likes em young and female) and she made friends
after her fam bit it she moved in with an aunt or w/e and her dad was an inventor who called her his jem
spoiler; its Gem!!
Like Gem-Knight in Yugioh!
Or is this like Mortal Kombat where they spell wrong to be Kool?
so her dad bit it b4 finishing sinner G (Spelled with numbers like a 00s kid trying to be cool on MySpace) and she lives with a buncha chix as her new fam homies
is this wjole movie gonna be her telling her life story in a youtube vid?
i se why this guy did the bieeber movie; its the same thing!
so her homies bicker over 1 modding their clothes w/o consent and then they sing
is that moly ringworm as the aunt??
so gem-knight has earings from her dad and her and her homies do a musc video in crwzy 80s clothes
after a montage of makeovers in glamrock outfits slpliced into them playing and holding phones, she gets a mail fromsomeone and talks to molly saying they got 30 days to do something or they lose da home
after drawing pentagrams in her book and writing, she gets Sinner G and reads a thing on da back saying not to fear
she styles herself and sez shes jem and plays a buummer song as her phone records
her homie uploads it with consent andit gets lotsa viers and likes and everyone is talking about it online
gen is bummed sshes famous and popular but molly gives her advice to go for it and she chats with a msic guy to negotiiate an offe
he comes over and wait, its just the music guys bodyguard or w/e and the guy is really a chick who owns the music thing
she wants genma to work for her and tells em to stay off twitter as that site is f;d and for commies
alsi the chix get to reinvent themselfs and they go to sovirt hollywood and they are told not to smoke drink or go ot after dark
knowing how soviet califormia is, thats good advice
plus they decriminalized aids spreading
some degenerate can run up and stick you with a needle, and thats it!!
so they have a oster made and the chix have a montage of dressing up and trying on cr-p
later jem narates that people wanna be someone else and that dont happen oftewn
later sinner G activates at night and da chix check it out amd its rottally not ripped offg by bb8  in star wars gx
it  plays a song and shows a map on the ceiling to some place jem went with her dad and needs to be taken there
again totaklly not like star wars gx
so they go there and its night and they find a star carved in a set of rods in the ground and sinner G plays video of gen and dad playing guitar
a thing opens in da floor and they finda piece of plastik that sez create ur own destiny and she equips it ti inner G who shows more coordnates to a club
then bodygrud comes by and gets p-ssed at em for beajking cewfew andtripping a silent alarm on the place they broke into
da cops are comming so they jump in the ruiver and devolve into crab people from all the poison, drugs and doseasein the water
jk they swim away and on the land bodygard sez musi excetutive is his mom who punishes him by making him work with cr-ppy musiians
and all her acts are cr-ppy and need autotune so gen amd frirnds sing a song with their mouthes and he joins in
and sinner G tapes it
so music ecextannounces her site is da only one to have ghem and they aint gonna out who gem is
later gem is gonna perform at the cub sinner |GG Shinobi told em about and the chix are told all ths cr-p about how to look and act
makes me glam i'm not famous
i write cr0ppy a55 reviews on a blog
so thy play the song if u got young blood and the crowd loves it
then she realizes she was playing her dads guitat and finds a platsic thing that she equips to sinner G
then a montage of clipps from the web about how everyone loves gem tat was gotten from fan submissions about the 80s cartoon
also chris pratt and da rock were in here for 1 scene each
so gemis having issues with having a secret identity and chats with body gierd and he sez he likes her for her not jem
exect mom comes in and thinks they are gonna be b0nning so she tells him to get disipline and she wants him to run her compsny
more teen issues!!
was the 80s show like this?
h-ll if i know. i was born in 87
so jemm skypes with aunt ringwaled and molly lost an appeal and has a week to get da cash for the house
then gem gets a solo contract form exect and if she don't she gets replaced as no one knows who gem is and she an fake it
this is turning into wild guitar
then the band finds out shes going solo and gets p-ssed and walks out
gotta have that bummer part aroundd 2/3rd through da folm to make people feel like cr-p in a fun family movie
so she performessome bummer song like from the 1992010s as purvuets dance behind her
wasnt the 80s show bright and colorful and cheerful and glam rock?
so the gem tells a story of a band breaking up on a shhow and a guy busted a guitar on a guys head or something and gets bummed about her band going to h e double england
then goes to some place and cries as 1 homie retutrns and comforts her saying she should hhave told them the truth from the start
but they didnt let jem tell her and just yelled at her and ran off
then her homies come back after being away fro like a few hours or somethin
then body gaurd comes by and sez she has to solve the puzzle her dad left and she realizes the last piece is her earings, which are in the music thing which is guarded
they gootta break in but im thinking, WHY?? just go in when you hav time. is there any reason you otta get the puzzle finished tonight?! also, don't you work there? just say, hay, i gotgot something of mine upstairs. just gotta run up and be back in like 2 mins.
so bodyguard meets some beta male who works for exect and gets kkeys from him in exchange for saying he'd give his mom a demo of his work
the homies bug the guards and act like bimbos to have em take a picture of em to keep their attention as jem and bodygaird go in
then exect mom comes by wanting the keys to her car beta male gave bodygiard and after some stumbling, he sez bodyguard took em and his demo to keep the wotrld from hearing his music
exect; no one cares about your music!!
that made me laff
so bodyguard and jem sneak into the exects room where jems earings are for some rason and in a safe and bodguards dads will is there
but them exect mom comes in and they play beta males demo which is cr-p and they turn it off and look around
then the secruity cameras play internet memes of a squirrel skiijng on water and its the homies doing that
so exect locks down the building andjem puts on her jem wig and make up and the guards dont know its really herand get gem to sign his arm as bodygaurd gets out
thats actually kinda clever
using her persona and anonymity to get out
and its the exects fault as she kept her true identiy a secert
so jem pyts her earings together and it forms a jewel and she puts it in sinner  G and he spazzes out and plays a video odf her dad who sez shes grown up and gives her advice that was written on the plastik he left around town
and he explains how each place he hid the plastic was important to her and in meaning to it
what if one got torn down or closed or burned or earthquaked out?
this is a decade later
who knows when san andraes is finally gonna send california to h e double mexico?
then kid jem comes in the vieo and hugs dad and he sez she'd see it when she;s grown
its actually kinda touching
i almost cried
then she sez her real name (jerrica ) which i dont think is a real name and her homies come on and they are gonna  have 1 more concert and show everyone who they are
she uploads the vid and ggoes to ger final consert
then she watches a bunch of losers and beta males and females sayng how gem helped em with their cr-ppy lives
exect sez jem has to do it solo butt bodygiard sez the will sez he can take over da company when he feels hes ready (What a good idea to put in ur final wishes for your malcontent teen son) and the other goons take exect away to be exeuted like in 50 cent get rich or de trying
she sez "diss aint ovaa" and goes off to plan her revenge like dr claw and jem and friends go up for da show
she sez jem is anyone who expresses anything and needs to be heard or some cr-p from a teen drama
they play a 2010s song with lazers and lights and we get video clips of teens saying how gem helped em be who they are and cr-ppily dancing
then an new exect comes in to sign em and bodyguerd sez their band name is gem and the holograms
i wanna take his face... off!
who am i? i'm spider man!
all thanks to these... mystery men!
so gem posts the vid and halfway through da creits, exect sees some tough chicks who are a band she replaced and she tells em her son (who's named  rio like in drvilman) is dating gem and the leader of the bad guys band agrees to help her take down gem
the end
that wasnt too bad
i mean its not super awesome and the music isnt great but its got a few scenes of heart and shows how bad exectutives in soviet california are
its sorta dark and colorless and dngy and pretty 2010s
but its not awful
granted, i never saw the 80s show but i felt on its own, this movie wadnt awful
then again, i didnt hate ddragin ball evolution so theres that
Its giot a few good moments and some fun and a bit of charm and doesn't feeltoo long or draggy
for jem and the loiograms  2 i want it to be about a growing rvalry between the new band and gems band and it devolves into the fans having gang attacks on each other for liking the wrong ind of music. soo Soviet California is a burned out cesspool of crime, drugs and aids (Too late) and the gang wars own the streets. also its a 16 bit beat em up on sega genesis, snes, gba, atari jaguar, and tg16 wheere you play as up to 4 gang members on a bands side and go aroundbeating and capping and hammering through the enemy turf to get to their band's hq and take on the other band in a death match.

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