Wednesday, October 30, 2019

The Rocky Horror Picture Show Review

note; i spell normal compared to this movie
the rovcky horror picture show
this is my revirw on the rocky horror picture show from 1975
its got tim curry from focx's peter pan amd the purates and voltron the 3rd dimension, susan sarandon from that david bowie vampire movie (i think ) and meat loaf from music songs
i'e never seen this b4 but i think i saw a few mins as a 90s kid
i hear this movie is compared to the room a lot
so it starts with red lips on a black screen singing about sci fi
is this where mr popo from dbz came from?
they also mention androids fighting
so after like 5 mins of sionging, this couple gets married
then this nerd and his gf chat and it turns to song of him saying he likes her
it seems like grease
then this brit sez they went to a teacher they had and it was memorable
so the couple are driving in da rain cuz england has a55 weather and listening to nixon on the radio
a tire f's out and they go to a castle to use the phone
this is how the human centipede 01 started
except with a song
so at da castle this weird guy butler lets em in and he looks like the cryptkeeper but less decroded
then him and a maid sing abot a time warp (Like dragons lair 2? will eve be there?)
then a bunch of freaks dance it
after dat, the chick wants to book ot but nerd thinks they r safe
then tom curry comes in and reveals hes a crossdresser in a weird leather like outfit like in yugioh or fist of the north star
then the maids take off most of the couples clothes and they ride an elevator outta castlevania to the lab
wtf nerd has his briefs up to his bellw button
does he tuck his shirt into em too??
so tim curry in a dress gives em new clothes and nerd b--ches out over not getting to use the phone yet
tom has a bearl necklace which i think the simpsons ripped off
does this make marge and lisa men??
so tim sez he made soome crazy discovery of life or something
hes made an artificial human (jinzo ningen)and brings it to life
its soem albino who sings about things s-cking for him in a cheerful way as maids cut off his bandages and he's in a glitter speedo
tim curry sings about men getting strong as albino works out
then meat loaf comes in busting through the wall like kekko kamen on a motorcycle like jack atlas and dances/sings with some chick
he seems like a biker like mad max but less SM
then tim curry chops him up with a pickaxe and goes back to his man song
then goes to b0ne the albino (or more likley, get b0ned by him)
so then the couple go to different rooms and tim curry trys b0ning the chick by faking being the nerd
she dont consent but gives in
later butler torments albino with a candle thing and he breaks outta his chains (S BEFORE M!!) AND runs off as butler b0nes main
btw theres statues of naked men like in castlevania
then tim curry trys b0ning nerd but he dont consent
but he gives in
is this like Shuwartzu Negataro in Kekko Kamen how he overrides ones orientation and seduces anyone?
so chick is bummed about cheeting on nerd and sees a secirity cam footage (did they have those in da 70s?) of nerd smoking after b0ning tim curry
she then comforts albino and tears off her clothes to make bandages
then she sings about beung felt up and feeling others
and albino feels her t-ts
i guess shes turning him straight
also; is this where samantha fox got her song from?
btw this is fullscreen so no black bars eating half the screen
so i think she b0nes the albino and tim curry whips butler for ketting albino getta way
S Before M??!!
then a guy comes by and its nerds high school teacher he went to see
but tim knows him as a ufo ologist
tim uses magnets tto move teachers wheelchair to the lab and tim sez he thinks couple is working for teacher
meat loaf is teachers nephew and then they find chick and albino having just b0ned in the tabk albino was made
so then they have dinner and sing hapy birthdau to albino
teacher sngs about what a c-ck suxker meat loaf is
then its revealed they had meat loaf for dinner
everyone runs and winds up in da lab and tim seals em to the ground with a machine thing
he's gonna send em through a time space thing
i think he turns em into statues or something as i wasnt looking and this chivck gets b--chy over tim not b0ning her
so tim currys gf and albino cross dress in lingere about their lusts
then the curtains pull back and its the RKO logo as tim sings about his lusts
its like a Go Nagai Anime
Not a full on p0en0, but many allusions to it
oh and the statued people destone and are dressed like xxx stars as they play in a pool
and teacher joins in with his non crippled leg moving in high heels
wtf both his legs work
then 2 sci fi crossdresserslooking like lady gaga dinks come in saying tim curry f;d it up and they are taking over and going home
the music in here is kinda david bowie
tim sings about going home and the gaga dancers (who are butler and main)  are the ones going home and they are gonna use an antimatter gun on tim curry
they ice tim curry and the chick who anted to b00ne him  and albino holds him like denny in the room
he carrys tim curry up tge RKO tower as the lasers bounce of him and they fall in da pool
the gagas are gonna send the house to their home planet as they were aliens the whole time like in dbz
they do the time warp dance and the house flys back to their planet with teacher outta his chair on the floor outside
then credits showing who played what like in spaceballs
ther end
that was pretty entertaining
bright, colorful, livley upbeat, cheesy, and fun
tim curry is always good even when he goes queer
the music is catchy the thing is welll filmed and is a good homage to 30s-50s films
sorta like how in the 2010s they tried to bring back da 80s
its got good pacing and never drags
i hd fun watching this and it was pretty cool
for The Rocky Horror Picture Show 2 i want the couple to be in the alien planet and have bbred enough to have a small colony of humans living together.  but the aliens don't like them for not crossdressing and have em quaarentined off to the slums to keep em from turning their population straight. also theres plans to nuke em so the humans have missions to weaken the aliens structure and bring down their civilization. its also an 8 bit game like ninja gaiden on sega master sytem, nes, tg16 and atari 7800 where you play as the humans who take out anyone in their weird h r giger planet with human attacks and take down organic generators that power their shields that keep the wild space monsters out of their cities.

Sunday, October 27, 2019

Ghost Review

note; i spell not undead
tgis is my review in ghost from 1990
its got patrick swaezy, demi moore whoppoy gold burg, tony goldwyn (from mgm boss descendant), with stuff from Steven root and Vincent Schiavelli
 from corpsr killer on sega cd
its directed by jerry zucker, the guy who did the naked gun films but this one vis srs
i saw it a few times b4 and liked it
so after opening credits, swayze and demi are busting this building to renovate and open a wall to a hidden room
like in cantlevania or zelda
later swayze and tony are at work in a bank with 90s computers i grew up with
so later they fixed up the apartment and it looking good
so they live together and its probably in sin and he's worried of sometjing getting f'd
later they have the famous scene where she makes clay poyts and he jions in ans they make out
the clay thig looks like a b0ner
i think they're b0ning
later at work pat sez to tomy he noticed some accounts have too much cash and he changed the password so he can fix it
lsster after pat amd demi see a shakespere play, she wants to get married or something
also he sez "ditto" when she sez she loves him and it p-sses her off
then a porto rican guy trys mugging pat and they fight
his gun goes off and pat chases but he gets away
when he gets back, he sees demi holding his corepse and he phazes through people
huh, this was 16+ in soviet iceland and g in soviet french canada
so pat has a chance to go to the light oh heaven (Jacob's ladder??) but turns it down
at the hiospital he chats with a ghost and they watxh a guy bite it and go to the light of heaven
then a guy walks throgh pat and he sees insie him
after his service, demi talks tio his picture or something and pat is hearing it but cant interact
but the can can sense him
charge your ki
later tony is comforting demi and pat trys phazng through a door
how'd he get in here w/o a door?
wait for someone to open it?!
then the porto rikan guy gets into pats apartment and his fists phaze thrioufh him
then demi comes home and porto rikan guy watches her undrss
so pat freaks out the cat to jumpo him and slice his face and run to da subway with pat following
is this soviet new york/new sodom??
on th train, vincent schilenaia roughts him up as hes a ghost and busts the window with his fist
i think he's got autism
he has dat feel
how does the train hold pat if hes a gkost?
if he falls off fdoes he stop moving??
so pat followes portorikian guy to his slum where he calls his contact and es he'd get it in a few days
man, new york in the 80s was a cesspoole
good thing rudy julianni took the cooks out
so pat goes to a psychic plays by whoppy hold burg (which sounds like it could be a p0rn0 name(namy a pooting p0rn0 where she blasts gas on people)) but shes a fake p o s liar
but she can actually hear pat and freaks out
she talks to him and dont wanna help him cuz she's kind of a b--ch
as pat dont gotta sleep and can talk forever, she agrees demi but demi thinks its a scam
to get her to see demi he sings enry the 8th for hours until she relents
at the apartment she wont let whpoy up so she yells stuff pat tells her about her until demi comes down
wtf her name is oda mae
like oda nobunaga?!
demi dont believe her but and leaves but comes back after oda sez ditto
man we're like an hour in and it feels like nothing
oda seeing sam; white, but cute
me; thats racist!!
call the cops and arrest her for racism!!
oda gets b--chy when pat takes The Lords name in vain but relents when told sorry
pat tells oda to write down the killers info but she realizes thats her slummy home too
and that he was assassinated like j fk and to tell da cops
oda has enough helping people and books it and demi tells tony goldwyn about the  oda and he trys to get her not to listen to her
so then tony goes to the portorikan guy and reveals he sent him to get the codes to get the money back to pay druggies and if he dont get it they'dre both f'd
also he didnt want portorikan to ice pat and to ice the oda
and pat followed
so demi goes to da cops and they think she's fill of sh-t!
the cops reveal oda has a criminal record and say she was trying to swindle her over her banker bf
later tony cracks pats code and is told to use the account of rita miller and transfer it at 5 mins b4 closing to a bank of nassau
and pat hears it all
later tony tony chopper comes by demis place and flirts with her
pat gets p-ssed and hits an item
relaising he has power, he goes to the trasin and talks to the organ grinder from batman returns(not the p0rn0) and vincient sichoila goes mental on him for being on his train
pat wont go and vincneont shiclnia agrees to train him
1st; all pat ever does to get his way is to be annoying
2nd; is this where bleach got it? a training arc?
vincent; you think ur still real. you aint gotta body. you gotta move it with ur mind and use ur emotions
so is he made of ki?
btw, why doesnt he fall through the floor and go to the center of da urth?
btw, goodd effects in this
it looks otherworldly
so pat gets it and vicnent shicalana sez he was pushed and starts freaking out when he thinks pat thinks he jumped
he kicks open a cigarette machine and longs for a drag
then goes mental and jumps onto the train
pretty good acting
so pat goes back to oda and shes got a buncha ghosts here asking for her help
she gets kinda b--chy and 1 ghost jumps into her and posesses her
she boots him out of her a55 and the gjost is outta power from doing it
oda kicks everyone out and portorikan guy opens fire and runs
she survives and pat has a plan to get the baddz off her a55
using her fake ID's she fakes being rita miller with at guiding her
lol she explains her jerking around from pat poking hera as gas
i was right
she does p00t p0rn0
using a guy who is bad with names and faces and events, she fakes knowing him and withdraws 4 million $
meanwhile, tony cox is doing the transfer of the 4 million $
demi comes by and pat knocks stuff over to keep her from seeing
but she sees anyway
tony zomboni freaks out seeing how the account is gone and he's gonna gbe turned inside out alive and fed his own guts by druggies
and he cant tell anyone as he was doing illegal cr-p
outside pat has oda give away the 4 millmion Dollers to some nuns which kinda predicts sister act which i hear was based on an idea by the chik from beverly hillbillies
otherwise the druggeis would ice her and the money is blood money that got pat iced
tony freaks out as pat torments him and types messages to him on an 80s computer
is that a wang?
wang coputers
he goes to demi and asks about pat and oda
demi reveals oda it was oda who was rita and tony gets sweatier as pat pokes him
tony trys to torch the place bt pt stops him
tomy sez he'd ice mdemi if oda dont bring da money and pat goes to oda's to warn her and her fam to get out as the hitmen arrive
they were watching arsenio hall who my brother likes i hear
pat f's with the portoricann and throws stuff and he freaks out
pat wriyes "boo|" on da bathroom mirror and portipnrin runs as pat shoves him
porto rikan gets crushed bwteeen 2 cars and his gjhost flys out his a55
to quote starship troopers; MEDIC!!!!!!
he sees pat once as the shadows drag him to h-ll
but hes already in new york!!
oda and pat go to demis place but she dont like oda
oda tells the plot of the film and pat goes through da door and tells oda to tell her what shes wearing and their backstory of cr-p spilled on em
pat has her put a peny under da door and he moves itso its floating
dont this break ghost rules?
the music is really good and wonderful and enlifting as she believes
demmi calls da cops and talks to oda about pat
pat wants to feel demi again and she lets pat posess her to feel demi again
to keep it from being gay, it shows pat with demi
and plays the clay song
but tony curtis comes in and pat is outta juice from fallling outta whpopy gildburgs a55
oda and demi escape wuth tony after em and gets oda
demi fights him and gets shoved into trash cans k o ed
butb pat saved her and tony takes demi hostage
pat beats on tony and tony throwa a metal hook annd climbs out a window
the hook swings back, breaks da window, and wastes him
he seez pat once more as the shadows take him to h e double california
is this like the count of minte cristo or fist of the north star how his best friend turns on him and gets iced?
so now demi can see him cuz of the light of heaven on him and they kiss
sorta like how after the tournament, others could seee astral in yugioh zexal
so pat goes to heaven and sez bye despite b0ning outside of marriage, taking His name in vain and eating unkosher food
the musiic is pretty good wonderful too
this has heart
i like the fuzzy light 80s effects
the end
adr mixer bob barron
like; robert v barron from robotech/bill and ted?
really good music in the credits like a 80s tim burton fuilm
dat late 80s feel
i liked it
this has feels and was good
its well made and is like sometghing sailor venus would like with its romance and heart and action
its got a good story and acting and good emotion
i liked it and it brought me back to the 90s watching 80s films
i miss when films were this good
for ghost 2 i want demi to have been pregnant from her last time b0ning pat and the kid has gotten spirit powers from her interactions with pats ghost. also tony goldwyn's character is back and has been mutated in h-ll and escaped somehow and wants revenge. he turns new york into a h-llhole of daemons and aids and drugs and only pats kid can stop him wwith his gjost powers. also its a 16 bit sega genesis, snes, gba, tg16 and atari jaguar game where you fight through the rotten remains of new york and beat the evil outta new yorkers.

Friday, October 25, 2019

Lake Placid Review

note; i wanted to spell right, but that was already taken
lake placid
this is my review in aike pl;ace from 1999 (the year the SDF-1 crashed on Macross Island and ended the global civil war)
Its written by david e kelley who did a buncha shows in the 90s and 00s
and directed by steve miner who did frie3day the 13th 2 and 3, soul man and halloween h20
it stars bill pullman (use the schwartz!!) bridget fonda, betty white and Mariska Hargitay
i saw this b4 and liked it
lets see if it holds up
so this sherrif and fish/game guy are tagging beavers in a lake and f/g guy gets eaten in half by som kinda monster
its bigfoot!!
good gore effects btw
later in soviet new york i think, Mariska Hargitay reveals to msain chick she b0ned her bf
take it to springer
back in the lake, bill pullmsan is a cop or something and investigates the half eaten guy
back in soviet nrew yyork main chick is given the job of going to da lake in soviet maine as they found a dinosaur like tooth in the guy who got eat and shes a paleontologist
you know if it is  a dinosaur, that disproves evolution
but we got the mokele mbembe in africa too
so shefrif  shows main chick da tooth and the body and she wants 2 c da laek
only a geezer couple live in da lake and teens skinny dip in it but dont get eaten
lusty teens? is this a horror movie?
also sheriff has a big a55 gun
so pullman is fish/gamme and dont want her going as dsomeone just got iced there
they go see betty white who's hhusband got iced a while ago as she sez she put him to sleep for being sick and mashed his head in
so sherrif sez it was gonna be called lakke placid but that was in use
the crew go camping camping and main chick gets all b--chy over being afraid of nature
when sherrif drops a thing by her she slaps himn a few times
thats asaulting an officer!
send her to jail and hose her off with aids!
btw, had he smacked her it would be shown as evil and unfunny
pullman knows somethings up with this new sodom city chick going out here in maiine with the pet semetary
then this rich mythology proff comes in in his chopper and has a crocodile fetish
he looks like peter jackson
so they go out and croc fetish sez he b0ned main chick
then they get their canoe flipped and they cut away to them outta the water
btw marisa never shows up after thsat 1 scene
croc nut finds a piece of the guy who gor eat and sez the croic affects the whole ecosystem in da lake
later 2 cops are digging a hole cuz croc nut payed em 500 bones each
sherrif tells croc guy hes full of sh-t for all his weird croc cr-p
he takes it well
so main chick tells pulman she got shipped out here as her bf boss found a better chick
latr sheriff goes out and whizzs and finds croc nut setting a trap
they clash and nut sez crox come on land
croc nut; he was waving his littkle w-ng around and scaring me!!
main chick reveals he studys croc worship in pagan cultures and thinkds theres a power to em
what is this? a bad jrpg?
then its day and they go out in a canoe and croc nrd and someone go scuba diving
main chick sez crok nutt looked in crox eyes and sed they like dragon eyes
da boat is jerked around and dragged by its anchor and main chick falls in da water
it lets go of da anchor and they save her and pullman comes up
croc butt is still in da water and as this 11 guy pulls an item outta da water,the monster eats this no name guys head
but it was too fast to see
so the cops seal da area to keep info getting out and croc a55 sez hes sorry for sherriffs deputy getting it
then goes on about his weird a55 dream and sherriff gets caught in crocmo's trap
as sherrif chases crocmo, a bear attacks but gets eaten by the huge a55 croc
so its an asian croc and 30 feet long and crocmo whines about sherrif wanting to cap the croc
crocmo sez hes a briown belt in karate and to take ur brst shot and sherrif slugs his fat a55 out
mai chick tends to puklmans cut from something and tghey grow closer
a love stoey in a horror movie??
the thing didmt need it
later crioc dink sez the biggest killed on record was 27 feet
this movie was b4 primeval wuth gustav max
later croc aids lands his chopper in da cove he thinks da croc lives
also when checking a croc print, main chick finds the guys head and a snake crawls out its mouth
and its not cg
so then tthey see betty white feeding the croc a cow
she sez she was feeding it for years and it ate her husband
typical animal rights commie
not caring when people get iced to protect animals who would eat her
like pam anderson wanting chemmicals tested on inmates (who are at times wrongfully convicted) instead of monkeys and rats that only live like 2 years
so croc butt goes in da wwater to be with da croc and sees it behind him lookung at him next to him
da chick with him turns on da chopper and he uses an inflating thing to lure it as he jumps in
but it bites the pontoon and they get away
what a dumba55
at base pullman tells off croc butt over his a55holery and croca55 gets bummed
he tells main chick in da past, crooks were thrown to crox to see if they were guilty and he wanted to be judged by a higher lifeforme
why not just play russian roulette?
r/6x its totally safe
like vacationing in the 3rd world
often safe
but once in a while you get iced
croc dink goes on a  tirade over trying to save this 150 year old croc who swam from another contenent and he wants to drug and catch it
so they use a cow on a chopper thing to lure the croc out
it vanishes and pops up and attacks em
their guns are useless on it and main chick swims as iit chases her
it gets caugfht in da chopper and sherrif wabts to blow it apart
monster croc goes under from drugs and they have it
pullman uses a tranq gun on it
but then another comes out and sheriff blows it apart with a huge a55 gun
then the authorities come in to take mega croc away
just like the avengers in maximum carnage
pullman and main chick say bye and they go out for a beer
later we see betty whhite feeding a buncha baby crox as lets em eat her toes as we see da big a55 croc taken away on a truck
the end
that was pretty good
good bbuild up
doesnt drag
good acting and writing
good effects
the cgi coroc dont look too bad
cool story
nice twists
its a werll made 90s fiilm
for lake placid 2 i want the croc nut to have found an anciernt tome of croc rituals and use it to commune with a croc daemon. the daemon has him collect croc artifacts to make people mutate into croc people and he gives him croc powers. also its a 16 bit platforme game on sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar, tg16 and gba and youm play as croc nut and use ur croc powers to get through ancient temples to get the items and fight the ancient mechanical guards in them with ur croc powers.

Thursday, October 24, 2019

Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children Review

note; i spell peculier
miss peregrine's home for peculiar children
this is my review for miss peregrine's home for peculiar children from 2016 (the year mazin saga happened kinda)
its by tim burton and has samuel l jackson, judy dench and a buncha candy a55 kids i never heard of
its based on a book i never read and starts in soviet florida where this loser kid talks about not fitting in
he gets a lift from some chick to grandpas place and calls him on a cell phone
Stamp: Who is this?
Jake: This is Jake.
Jake from State Farm.
Stamp: What are you wearing?
Jake: Uhh...kakis?
grandpa's son took his key to his gun cabinet and grandpa needs to defend himself
cuz yoy can totaklly hold out 55 mins util the cops show up
they get to granpas place at night and hes gone and someone broke in
he goes in da woods anf finds grandpa and calls an ambulance but grandpa gives him some info and tells him to go somewhere and time and something about a bird
then he bites it saying he should have told him years ago
is this dragon ball evolution?!
in da woods this big thing comes after the chick he rode with and she opens fire but its gone
then its a 1 month later and he's in the nuthouse
grandpa fought monsters in the war and the cops said it was dogs who came in and iced grandpa gohan
then a long flash back of grandpa telling his past to kid main guy of him in a bird lady's school for kids with weird powers in a hidden island
is this x men?
ohh, they are polish!!
my mom sez we poles are weird
i asked: like johnny depp and tim burton? or like tommy wiseau?
mom; tommy wiseau!
so kid hero tells his class and they laff at him cuz kids are a55 holes
this f's out heros confidence in grandpas storys and thinks they were metaphors for ww2 poland
its like when kids are taught evoolution and it damages their faith in the Bible and makes em turn athiest and disgruntled and wanna give animals equal rights to humans
backk in the future, heroes dad dont care grandpa got iced cuz hes a c-ck sucker
then hero moves in with his cousins and has a b day
he opens the last present from his grandpa and its a book with a photo in it with a note from miss pereguin inviting him
is this harry potter?
hero and rents chat with his shirnk and they let him go to her island to meet her
hero and dad go to the island and see a pereguin bird
dad has a bird fetish like the penguin in batman and they go to a hotel with a cripple and his nephew
hero wants to see da home for weird kids but da wont let him go alone
so dad gets some strangers to take him there
dad goes to watch birds and j-rk off to em for probably the rest of the film
the strangers they get are welsh rappers who send hero through a marsh and ditch him
he goes to a house and finds all the kids at da school were iced in da war
btw; the actor playing hero isnt a real pole
thats cultural appropriation and racist and triggering and other buzz words no one cares about
later he goes around da home and sees ghost people or something
how'd he get back?
did he return on his own?
cuz dad made a big deal of going there alone
but going the same way the other direction is ok???
he goes through something and finds all the weird kids grandpa told em about
they go through something and back at da hotel its full of p-ssed off brits who throw beer glasses at each other
then the axis attacks
oh, it it was the naked invisible girl who was naked
they drive away and its 1943
\they can do something about j fk!
stop him from wacking marilin monrow!
this chick knew he fought at the bar by calculating his weight, cart speed, and distance
she's rain man
oh and she knew his grandpa
oh thats miss pereguin
imma call her mp
she explains some people have a magic dna gene thats rare and gives em super powers
just like x men
her power makes a time loop where its the same day forever
then there's no point to anything as nothing matters!!
its groundhog day!!
they meet the other freaks and the invisible boy plays soccer wirh a guy who barfs bees
candyman or the green mile??
tgis 1 bklonde chick has floating powers and needs heavy shoes to walk  right and a rope to hold her to go up
i bet she's got power legs from that like dbz
wait, the invisible one is a guy
his voice was girly
flying girl gave up on romance after her heart was broken years ago
sorta like Souther in Fist of the North Star
1 kid brings toys to life and makes em ice each other
it looks stop motion which is good
alo tthe toys look like the toy story freak toys
hero learns grandpa visited other loops to travel
the invisible boy seems to be a nudist and they eat dinner
the kids ask hero about the future but m p tells em no
1 kid lets bees out his mouth and suucks em back like edward scissorhands and the lemonade
the kids are worried hero is gonna leave em like grandpa who left to jion the army, fell in love, got married and had a kid
also; grandpa calls and hero hears it
later 1 kid is a movie perojector and shows his dreamsthat often come true
in it hero almost kisses air girl
but mp stops it b4 they do
imagine if he had dreams of b0ning anime babes?
then they go out in gas masks and listen to 40s music as zee axis blows their lace to H E Doble England
But m p stops it b4 the hit and turns back time like dragon ball super did (which was cr-ppy!)
does she have to do this every day forever??
so hero and air girl talk in a cave and she sez she cant leave as she'd decrodde baxck to normal time
just like lost horizon!!
maybe peter pan as she worries of him growing up
so he goes back to today and the rappers reveal hero wasnt with em and that a buncha sheep got iced
were the sheep b0ned dead??
dad goes mental and overworrys about his son and drinks cuz hes a p o s candy a55 millenial raiser
hero reads a letter he jacked from m p and its fron grampa who sez someone is near this other time loop in soviet france and that loo[per needs to make a new one
later hero sneaks out and back to  shangri la and chats with mp
shes looking after a fellow time mutant and dont wanna talk about anything unplesent
the grumpy kid shows hero this dead kid he puppet controlls that dont got eyes
theres always a bad attitude rival guy wjo usually bites it in these films
btw, hero sez grandpa had his eyes eaten
adter a walk, air girl takes hero and goes under water in lead shoes and blows bubbles to give hero an air head thing
they find a boat full of skeletons and she fills the boat with air cuz its her x men power
wont the water pressure damage em?
they got a few dozen feet of water pressing on em
can she suck the air oytta people and make em implode?
hokuto ryu ken!!
uwaaaaa! hidebuuuuuu!
so its her secret hide out and shows him cards where it had bad pecukliers
grampa hunte em and stopped to protect hero
and heron is a mutant cuz only a mutant cAN ENTERa time loop
also the day mp chose to loop wasnt perfect as the thing that iced that dead guy came back
they go out and see mp snipering this tentacle monster that looks outta house of the dead or castlevania
and only hero and granndpa can see em cuz they are invisible
mp tells hero she prromised grandpa to nor tell hero until he turned 18
turned 18? like goku in dragon ball evolution??
so some mutants got tired of living in loops and wanted to become immortal and used black magic science cr-p to use the ki of the time mutants
but it tne em into freaks
like; worse freaks
btw, immortality?
like garlic jr??
they ecame hollows like in bleach and started eating magic kids eyes to regain huuman forme
is this a thing on stem cells from chiopped up babys keeping people healthy??
btw; eating eyes
and now they raid loops for kids to eat
the time mutant bird thy found is judi dench who pooped on her brotrher who b0ned her as a kid in he shipping news and mp has to make a new loop
but if she does, hero9 cant go back to his own time
so he goes back and finds theres a dead eyeless body of the geezer uncle from b4
1 guy sez he saw a guy with dark glases he thought had dead eyes
hero runs off and the guy who saw dark glasses goes after him cuz his dad is a savk of sh-t who cant run
turns out he and the shrink are samul el jaconok who followed him to the door and can shapeshift
btw; hollows taking human forme with more powers?
just like bleach!!
and i thought the mortal instruments city of bones ripped off a lot!
so jacokon and hero as his hostage goes to thee school and takes mp as a caged bird and goes
beast mode?!
thats beast wars/altered beast!!
also jackson has a hollow coming that will ice everyone and only hero can see em
judi has em stay inside and ready for battle
hero phone chats with past grandpa once to say sorry eve though he dont know him yet
judi gets takes out quick and grumpy guy gets caught by the tentacle monster
hero crossbows monster to save grumpy a55 and they run
is this the devilman manga/80s ova??
they escape and zeee axis blows their house back to H E Double New York
now da loop is closed and they are stuck in da 40s
closing the loop?
looper?! (the joeseph gordon levvit/ bruce willis movie)
so they gotta go to blackpool (milpool??) and air girol raises the sunk boatby inflating it
wont it break aopart from years under water at dat pressure?
hero and air girl realize they can change history but they'd never meet
so its sonic 2006??
also theres a new time loop but it closes at 4;30 (when hitler faked his death and went to south america) and if they dont get back, they decrode and bite it
btw hero is going around with a crossbow and no one cares
so they go to samilr l hacokons base and theres 4 hollows there as his homies aint there yet
air girl tells sailrmo l hacjons to give uo or else
its revealed his homie hollow iced grampa b4 samilr l kaikclcould get the info and the other hollows dont trust jackons much
they go after hero and grumpy guy uses his puppet powers to revive the skeletons in da boat
the kids thrtow cotton candy att the hollows and they can see em
these candy a55 kids are doing better against invisible monsters than all of england did vs 1 crazy naked man in the 30s invisible man movie
and all the people in soviet blackpool are freaking out at thses cotton candy monsters getting iced by cgi skeletons
at the bad guy base they take out the other ghollows with their powers and saion l jaokon fights through em
1 uses seeds on a hollow and grows em into a vine binding
just like poison ivy in batman
grumpy teen uses his puppet power to make an elephant thing alive and ice a guyt save the fire mutant kid
the twins use their stone powers to petrify one hollow and she shatters
you'd think they'd use that more often
is pretty useful
hero frees the time mutants and they escape in hatches in the room
why were those there?!
you gave the captives a free escape route and it was in the room you were keeping em in!!
freekin dumba55!!
what is this?! bride of frankenstein whwre the castle has a self detonating switch?!
so jacksons gonna ice hero but air girl and grmupy show up
but jackson turned into a copy of hero
they dont know what to do but the last hollow comes out and eats jacksons eyes
its pretrty f'd
its b0ming his eye holes with its tentacles!!
so hero wastes the monster and says bye to his new homies
just like future trunks saying bye to gohan and friends in the past
they go back to 43 and live real lives as they aint jumping into the future and going like that guy rotting in yhe time machine
hero goes back and grandpa is alive again
grampa gives him money and a book and tells him to find his homies
wtf this was rated 16+ in viet nam and soviet russia
and 15+ in maldives
wtf is maldives?!
is that a countey?!
dat aint no countery i ever heard of
they speak english in maldives?!
so he went around da world loop hopping and found his way back in 43
the end
how'd he get on the boat?!
it was in the ocean!!
but that was pretty good
god effects and story
it took a while to get throuh but wasnt awful
it is a lot like many other things but still works
good acting and msuic
saollin l jaocnin was entertaining in here
its soeta like percy jackson and the olympians but with bleach
i liked those and this aint bad
for miss peregrine's home for peculiar children 2 i want them to be fighting the  hollows in the 50s and are cool 50s style heroes. also they have improved their powers and are now a match for the hollows. but the hollows are planning to do a black ritual to unseal darker powers in their dna genes and mutate into en=ven more gortesque creatures the size of small buildings (if they ripped off bleach, i will to!). its also a da and psp game where you play as one of the magic kids and fight through levels of people corrupted by the hollows and devolve into ape like slug creatures.

Saturday, October 19, 2019

The Quick And The Dead Review

Note; i spell cowboy style
the quick and the dead
this is my review for the quick and the dead from 95 (when the playstation and sega saturn came out)
its directed by tim burton i mean sam raimi who did the good spider man movies and the evil dead trilogy
its got sharon sstone, gene hackman, russel crowe and leonardo decaoprio
ooh, pat hingle, keith david, lance henriksen , gary sinise and bruce campbell are in it
so it starts with a guy in the wasteland digging and shooting someone on a horse
but its sharon stone who plays dead to sneak attack him and chain him to a wagon to die
really good scenary here
in the 90s they didnt use green screens and actually used physical matter to make backgrounds
so she comes to town and nearly kills a guy for mistaking her for a h--ker
he only heard her voice and assumed
no need for violence
a card player comes hy with a deck with an Ace added for each time he kills someone
a shoeshine boy tells her this guy gets 50Cents of every doller to let the town live
is he a union boss??
then an escaped convict tries to seduce s s (sharon stone) but she sez no and he goes on
lter its night and theres some mexoco celebtation and after dat theres a contest  to win 123 000 $
what is this? yugioh?! (notew; yugioh began the year aftyer this movie came out)
we meet the fighters and leo is kind of a smarta55
hope he get it
so he chats with s s and brags about his cr-p
i think he wants to b0ne her
so gene hack man comes in and joins
hes the game boss like m bison or geese howard
he  mocks a guy he f'd up or soomeething who's become a priest or something
so geese i meen gene has him strung up and starts shooting out the legs on the chair he stands on to force him into the contest
s s saves him by shooting out the rope hes hanging from
the s s has viet nam flashbacks of her childhood while sleeping
then leo sez gene is his dad\
i think
i saw this b4 but its been years
so i guess its battle city rules as anyone can cxhallenge anyone to a fight
and this guy beats on the priest
but he dont wanna fight back as hes a man of peace
in the movie The Ninth Configuration, this guy swore off violence and sealed away his violence?
then his patient was at a bar being f'd by bikers and he just took their abuse and licked p-ss off the ground?
then his patient told him to fight back and the biker starts b0ning his mouth
so he goes urotsukidoji on em and violently kills em
is that what this is doing?
this gross guy challenges s s but she dont wanna fight
so gene simmons tells her she has to as its da rools
so they have the 1st match
no shooting until the 1st cllock chime
if you shoot too soojn, snipers j fk ya
2 men enter, 1 leaves
leo wins his 1st match easy and his foe surrenders after taking a few bullets
oh russel crowe is the priest
ooh, woody strode, wjo was the ethipoia king in the 10 commandments, is in here as his last film
then the indian guy talks about all the times he got capped
then theres a  montage of fight clips like in the fatal fury 1 anime by p0rn0 director masami ohbari (which came out b4 this)
so the priest has to fight but refuses so they beat on him
gene kelly trys to makke leo drop out by saying leo has farmer hands not gunfighter hands
my grandspa was a farmer you a55!
also he had a shotgun which he took out animals with
once he saw a raccoon outside and got his gun
next day; 1 bullet hole in da window, 1 dead coon on da ground
he was pretty bada55
so  gene guys a 5$ gun from leo to give it to priest
but only has 1 bullet so he qwont shoor his way outta town
this is like in hokuto no kwn how ken-oh had fudo fight him
will ghene take innocents hostage to make priest fight?
so priest is not gonna even draw and chooses to die without trying
but he shoots 1st oyutta reflex or something
like in dbgt how ss4 goku's body remembers all attacks used on it
gene reveals priest and him were homies and bad guys b4
which makes s s regret saving him
you know people change
look at piccolo in dragon ball
gene asks the card guy if hes as good as he sez and card guy sez hes equally good with each hand and iced 2 with each hand
also he icedthese bros but gene is p-ssed at him for it
they battle and gene takes out both his hands like with raoh and jyuuza
then f';s with him by shooting at his feet to make him dance b4 finishing him
the peiople pick his corpse of items
in the real version they were eating him
after more viet nam flash backs in her sleep, s s goes to fightin the tournament for her round
she remembers theres a click b4 the cllock chime and wins
also she smooches kleo who's like 20 years younger than her
what next? chichi and gohan?
well in dragn ball super they had mai and trunks
or pan and trunks in gt
at night she goees to see priest in an 1800s dress
hes chained up like a slave and has water hjust oytta reach
like that guy in hades (or was it dantes inferno?)
she chats with gene and has dinner with him
gene sez hiws dad was a judge who made him watch people getting hanged
then played russian roulette wiith him and mom until he bit it
so now he has 0 fear
priest tells his story of being shot hp and saved by a priest
but that priesty forced him to kill him so he changed his ways
like with souther in fist of the north star
later gesne trys to get leo to quit but leo is tooo stubborn to stop
oh and leo is genes kid
and now each fight is a winner gets to live
like yugioh
gene wacks keith david
lex luthor killed goliath from gargoyles
also gehe reveals he knew the town hired keith to ice him to free him from taxes
and whines about how this is his town and he decides who lives in it
then blows a husge a55 hole in keith davids head
petty bada55
leo wins a fight and gets cocky like cassius clay thinking hes the best
so in the rain s s shoots a faT a55 but fat a55 begs for his life
so s s spares him
but after going back inside, fat a555 comes at her
so she empties her gun into him
just like with raditz in dbz and the 3 star dragion in gt
this shakes her up and shes gonna leave
like young blood or team america world police
priest fights the indian and wins
but like uighur in hokuto no ken, he survives nd comnes back
and priest only had 1 bukllet
so someone thriows him a bullet and he gets indian in the head
that wouldnt be allowed today as the indian guy woyukld be the hero fighting the evil white man
later s s goes to a grAVE yard but this geezer tells her genes men smashed the stone she went to see and burned his body to dust
stone breaks down and has a flashbavk of em stri8nging up her dad when she was a kid
so she goes back and vows to ice gene
then its the finals; gene and leio, s s and priest
and if ss or priest dont fivght, they get iced
like when kewn and rei had to fight or the wolf clan would ice reis sister
leo ewants respect and to be treated like a son
soo hes gonna ice hack man
lol, s s said rissel crow was her best kisser and leo s--cked in interviews
so leo fights gene and gets gene in da neck but gets sent to soviet h e dpuble california
s s comfoerts him as he bites it
at least hes not on druigs like in that basketball movie
gene denies leo was his kid and said he gave leo all these chances
like how God gives us chances to repent but if we go our own way, we wind up in H-ll
is this a Bible movie?
the title is from the Bibe
so s s and priest have to fight but dont shoot after the clock hits
so gene tells em they got 10 secs or he'd cap em both
they both draw but priest caps s s
she bites it and priest beats on guys
but gene pulls a derenger and tells him tomorrow they fight
at night a scuzzy guy busts priests hand
when gene finds out he gives ther scuzz 20 secs to gtfo
then shotguns his a55
and gene gives priest a chance by saying he'd draw with his left hand
and sez to his snipers if priest wins, to cap him
they are aboout to draw but the clockk tower blows
then more buildings
turns out, s s faked getting icedv (wait, sharon stone? like bruce banner or wally west??) and takes out da snipers
s s reveals gene strung her dad up and gave her a gun to save him
but she blew his brains out
just like a bad super hero origin
ss and gene draw but gene has a hole in his shadow
then stone finishes his a55
then rides off as people cheen in theoir blowbn out tiown
and i think priest becomes the new owner
the end
that was cool
good simple story
good twsts
stone is bada55 like an anime chick
the set looks good and the design works
its sorta like when anime was good
its a well done film and it was cool
sam raimi does it again
for the quick and the dead 2 i want her to go after a strange anomoly in the desert whewre creatures were seen. turns out; its a portal to h-ll and daemon sasquatch are coming out to prepare to take over earth. so she gets the priest who blesses their guns so they shoot ho9ly bullets and they go to stop em. its also an 8 bit run n gun game like contra on sega master system, nes and atari 7800 where you play as stone or crowe and fight crazy daemons.

Friday, October 18, 2019

Donnie Darko Review

note; i spell less crazy than this movie
donnie darko
this is my review on donnie darko from 2001 (the year we found that thiing on da moon and riki-oh happened)
its got jake gyllenhaal, his sister maggie, drew barrymore and the guy from ghost and big trouble in little china
its directed by richard kelly who did the boc, which i liked
f it
i misse the 1st few min
better watch it on youtube
so it starts with don waking up outside and riding his bike home
at finner his fam chats and its 88
donnie is in therapy cuz hes mental and stopped taking his meds
they swear at eachoother and donnie calls his sister a f--ka55
once i borrowed brandon's pokemon crystal and he named his rival that
later mom wants to know where donnie wahlburg goes at night and thinks he TP'ed the neighbors home
later donny takes his drugs and after dat watches a commie bashing reagan for fighting commies in south america
then its october 2, my bros b day, and donnie goes outside and sees a rrabbit furry saying when da world ends
then theres a crasdh and then its day and donny is sleeping on da lawn with a number written on his arm relating to da end of da world
oh hes on a golf corse
he goes home and finds a jet engine fell in his room
da gov handles things and gives em a hotel to hang out in while their place is fixed
later its revealed there was no plane and kid sister wants to make money from it by suing da airline
his rents think there was divine intervention that saved donny
at school his homies think hes cool for not getting killed and gives him a smoke
donnys homies are a55 holes to a fat asian
btw this is pretty widescreen
gootta fix dat
in class they read books by graham greene (mr crabby apple tree from dudley the dragon??) and donny talks about how kids in this book wanna bust stuff for fun
like the joker in the dark knight
which starred heath ledger who was jakes butt buddy in brokeback mountain
its all connected
a new girl comes in sand is told to sit next to the boy she finds cutest
of course she chooses donny and they play almost danny elfman music
in da car ride back, donnys dad sez he had to sign a form aying he cant talk about the plane not existing
big gov
its j fk 2!
so they nearly hit a geezer in da road checking da male and she tells donny something
later in therapy he sez he made an imaginary friend in the future and za warudo is ending soon
but donny domt buy it
later ar school they watch some love vs fear vid on controlling fear
its cheesey but seems like a bad 90s thing
the class laffs at a bedwetter
this seems like a paul verhoeven movie
at night he has a vision or something with his furry and takes an axe to a pipe
then its october 06
so the bus is late and the are a55 holes to the fat chinese chick
turns out da school is closed for a flood
also theres an axe in the school dog statue head
also the words "they made me do it" in weird a55 letters on the floor
so donnys homies hit on new gorl abd donny tells her schools out
the homies say shes sexy and they like her b00bs
nowadays they'd be arrested for being that straight
so they walk home and she sez her dad shanked her mom a bunch and ran off
so she changed her name
donny was in jail for torching a place and was held back in school
that explains wghy they got a 30 year old to play a teen
also his real name is donny darko like a super hero
they get a long but dony offers to b0ne and she goes home
later in therapy donny gets hypnotized and asks her about his week
hes into chix and thinks about b0ning and the show married with children
hes about to start j-rkin off so she ends the hypnosis
later in class they have everyone wriite "they made me do it" on the board to see who did it
in the bathroom a guy confronts donny about saying guy flooded da school and pulls a knife on him
cann da cops man
later the guys abd shooting beer bottles and talk about the smurts b0ning smurfette and vanity smurf being queer
they think papa smurf made smurfette to b0ne but donny sets em straight with good smurf canon
then they b--ch about the geezer whos 101 (and might have known slave owners) and checking the same mailbox over and over
later theres a PTA meeting and 1 b-chy teaches whines about peeps and poops i her flooded office
also she b0-ches about graham greene books and blames them for the school vandal thing
alsio donny sees da furry and theres a force field between em and sez furry made him flood da school and furry sez something about time travel
later its poetry day and donny reads something about protecting kids from monsters
in it he reveals frank is his 6 foot rabbit homie
is this harvey?
the dark 90s remake without jimmy stwart
better than making noah try to wipe out the human race
or dracula being mina;s bf in a past life
so b--chy yeacher has em do a thing where they read a character dillemma and rate it between fear and love
tjis is part of youngblood guy's fighting fear thing
donny cant figure out where to place this weird question on a scale of fear to love and goes mental
he is then in the office for telling her to stick the card in her candy a55
dad laffs at it
so hes out of after school cr-p for 6 months
b--chy teacher trys to tell mom to get off the path of fear
donnys rents buy him cool cr-p for standing up to her
later donny asks a guy about time travel like hes unckle rico in napokleon dynamite and they talk about worm holes
time guy sez this chick changed and wrote a timne travel book
he reads da book and sez theres tangent univeres that black hole after a few weeks
turns out its da geezer who wrote it
this is turniing into pumpkinhead
in therapy he ytells thearyopt about the geezer and hows she reminded him of his dog who bit it under the porch
donny goes on about being alone
later donny is spazzing out and seez weird ki things that guide people
like the link in yugioh with joeys monsters in his del wirh yami marik
dat 90s cgi
he follows his and finds a fireArm
donnys time book sez water and metal are needed for time travel simehow
new girl gf chats with him about it and they smooch badly
later its almostr halloween and donny carves punpkinds with teen suster
his looks bada55
oh its the fuurry
dons rents sees his shirnk and she tells them of the furry
at that time, donny pokes the force field wuith a knife and f;s out furrys eye
shrink wants to up his meds
its always uop the meds
not worrking out issues
just throw drugs at it
at da arcade donny plays outrun and later youngbloods senpai coomes over to motivate them with an anti fear thing
cuz of fear they smoke, drink, b0ne and do drugs
he gives a speech about a guy named frank whowas allmost f'd up by fear
he gives actually prettty good advice
donny questions swayze and bashes his advice wwhile giving his own
swayze sez donnys f'd up and needs help but donny bashes him and is taken away
later dfonny is malcontent over people loving this guy and hating the advice he gives
then talks to her about time travel and his visions that synchro to the book
they go to see her but i guess queer out after seeing her on her wood thing cuz it cuts to the book text about universes
i xyz summon: number infinity; the universe!!
donny talks to time guy and sez the ki from their bodies is like something relating to wormholes
and how seeing the ki from them as leading them to their destiny and how they can change that
donny goes on about going Gods way in His channel of destiny and time guy sez he cant continue as it might cause him trouble
is he trying to be God?
what is he? garlic jr?!
or in dragn ball super; zamasu (but he's also xicor)
so they cant read graham greene so they read watership down
then donny reads da book saying theres a chosen one who has 4d powers and can guide a super item to its universe
later donny finds swayze's wallet and then is in therapy telling his shrink about his destiny ki thing
later he and gf came up with glasses for infants to show them good images to give em good memorues
but teacher sez they need darkness and donnys a55 hole homeis have awful comments
what if ythey show theyr kids f'd up things
and bring up gfs dad shanking her mom
later gf and donny make out
later they go to see evil dead and the furry is there while gf sleeps
furry takes off his mask and he's got a damaged eye from donny shanking it
he looks really 80s
furry sez he's named after his dad
also the movie screen becomes a portal and frank the furry tells donny to burn it
donny goes out, leaving his gf alone in a theatre where she's probably gonna get b0ned by the cleaning crew
then we see the fat asian chick dancing and its like talent night
donnys kid sister does a pop music dance
its like in napolean dynamite where summer did that n'sync dance
donny torches swayze's place and returns to the trheatere and they make out
later his dad tells him everyone else  is full of sh-t and they fear him
like how the media hates Trump
tyhey are full of sh-t and hate Donald for telling it like it is
then swayze gets arrested for all his kid xxx in hisn bruned place
then its october 24 and the book teacher is canned
later the class watches watership down (which oi only saw the 00s series but liked it) and fiver has a vision of a field of blood
donny doesnt get how the rabbbits are metaphors for humans and sees it as them not having souls
he's too mental to get it and goes on a tirade about life being about b0ning as much as you can
this is what happens when you teach your kids evolution
gf explains to him how its a metaphor
later b--chy teacher is gong around trying to raise support for swayze as she sez hes wrongly accused
what is he? OJ?!
so she asks this chick to take the kids to california so she can defend swayze
although wasnt he like a decade older than ferris buelers sister in dirty dancing?
i never saw that though
later mom sez bye to donny to go on the trip to soviet california and they have a good momemnt
so donny chats with fired teacher
he tells the fat asian chick things will be better but it freaks her out
then he gets hypnotized in therapy and he reveals his crimes of the school and the fire
also he sez he has a time machine
also he sez furry is gonna ice someone and he seez the furry here
this is kinda f'd up
she snaps him out and tells him his drugs are placeboes
holy cr-p the therapist is the chick from the graduate
then its october 29gth (the day reboot brought bob back and my grandma's b day) and
donatellos teen sister (not venus de milo) is going to harvard to be turned into a feminist malcontent and later tis a costume party
his  homies come over and 1 is dressed like american icon hulk hogan
shirnk calls and leaves a message on their machine to call her back
gf comes to da party and sez she cant find her mom
they b0ne and mom calls saying they will be back at 8 30 and the daughter did well in the contest
then its october 30 (when the crow happened) and donny has a beer and bumps into gf after seeing the destiny ki
he realizes times running out and they go to see geezer
in there, swayze captures gf with a knife and has a homie
oh i think he shanked her
homie has a knife on donny but then a car comes in and runs over gf
they driver is a guy named frank and is in the fursuit
donny caps frank in the eye and geezer sez some cr-p to him
he carrys gfd's body home and its daytime now
he sees clouds swirling around his home and drives off with dgf in the car
the clouds have dat 80s look
then a plane with da sister and mom drops an engine and it goes through a worm hole back in time
donne reads a letter he wrote to geezer and then its where the movie started like in sonic 06
but donny is in bed and the engine wastes him
then book text sez those who returned from the tangent universe might recall some stuff in dreams
the end
that was pretty good
weird but fitting
a deep film
like the 2010s noah but for harvey with jimmy stewart
its got that late 90s feel but 80s style
jake gyllinhaal was good playing a mental patient
he seems kinda demented
good dialogue and style too
i liked this in a weird way
btw, is he part italiano or japanese
dat name, darko.
daa koh
could be either.
for donnie darko 2 i want another person in the town to have a time issue but to be in the 90s and sega and power rangers are big. also its a 16 bit action game on snes, sega genesis, atari jaguar, tg16 and gba where you play as this  90s teen chick but you try to solve the riddle to fix the timeline. also the geezer is there to give tips on what to do. but theres time daemons who are after her to keep the bad timeline happen.

Saturday, October 12, 2019

Scream Review

Note: i spell like a horror movie
this is my review on scream 1 from 96 (the yeaer the n64 came out)
its got nev campbell, courtney cox, matthew lillard from wing commander 99 and Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go to College (what a career!), the chick who brought down weinstein,
Skeet Ulrich from the craft and jamie kennedy. oh and some drew barrymore who i think was tom greens woman, henry winklewr the fonz amd roger jackson from power puff girls and david arquette from 8 legged freaks
its directed by wes bcraven who did nightmare on elm sterrt 001, the last house on the left, the hills have eyes, swamp thing the serpent and the rainbow, the people under the stairs, vampire in brooklyn and the othe 3 scream films
hih, the writer, krnt williamson did the show time after time, based on the malcom mcdowel movie and dawsons creek (whicj i never really watched)
so it starts with drew barrymore getting calls from a guy
she makes cop p0rn ii mean pop corn and is gonna watch some cop p0rn i mean horror movie
the tallk about horror movies but he gets creepy
she lox da doors and sez she'd call da cops
but the cops wont make it in time
if she had a strong firearm she could protect herself
she sez her bf is comming but caller has him tied upoutside
he challenges her to a horror trivia game to save him like its season zero yugioh
she sez the killer in friday the 13th is jason but killer sez its his mom and jason was in the sequels and guts her bf
his last question; what door am i at?
as hes at 1 of em
spoiler; the game is rigged
also; this is just like yugioh with pegasus's labrynth brothers
just needs some leather and chains and whips and its yugioh
so she runs and gets shanked bt fights him off as her rents come home
he fnishes her and her rents find her hannging from a tree
later, nwv cambells bf bayou billy comes by and sez their relationship reminds em of the exorcist on tv
as its not as 18+ as it used to be
on 1 show; if ur relationship was a movie, what would it be?
me; the human centipede!!
also; p0rn0 holocost
so they start making out but she stops it as her dad might catch em if they b0be
stay a virgin nev!
dont wanna wind up as an aids carrier!
as he books it she shows him her nips
i keep thinking of the scary movie ver of this
da next dae everyone is talking about drew getting iced and the school has counciling
in my high school no one got iced
even in my slummy 2nd high school
so theevs homies chat about who could the killer be
they are all white straight and have nio gender issues
they'd change that today
jamie kennedy is the goof joke character who's weird
kinda like me but i'm more bada55
also hes a movie nut
kinda like me bt i'm more bada55
the news womt sstop j-rkin off about drew getting iced and they mention nevs mom getting b0ned and iced last year
later nevs homie wants to rent a tom cruise movie to paust it and see his ding d0ng
then the killer calls and talks about horror movies which she dont like
like a dumba55 she goes outside to go with his taunts but when he sez he'd ice her like her mom she geets p-ssed
he attaks and she fights him off and after killer vanishes, her bf shows up and driops a cell phone and she thinks its him
david arket shes up and arrests backdoor billy
his full nsame is billy loomis like the guy from halloween 1 2 4 5 and 6
also; the guy from psycho 1
so this is the 3rd in the series
like yugioh, gx and 5ds
paycho, haklloween and screamm
also weather chick gale weathers (which sounds like a p0rn0 name) is played by courtney cox (which also sounds like a p0rnn0 name) and is kinda b--chy
imagine editing this a nd friends together and it shows the fat eps as her before entering the weathewr business
david arket plays dewey who is a goof a55 and his sister is nev's female hhomie
Gale is writing a book on nevs moms assassination and nev slugs her
eat it b--ch!!
later nrev gets a call from da killer who sez she fingered the wrong guy
also its revealed nev said the guy she had put away for icing her mom was appealing
Later nev confronts gale over her lying book about saying nev lied
but gale sez her mom consented to the guy and somone else framed him
at school a guy runs throuygh the halls dressed like da killer screaming like an ape
butt stuff billy chats with nev about how she changed after her mom got iced and he got over his mom ditching his dad
later, fonzie expells 2 teens for dressiing in cosrtums and telling em hw wants to cut em open and f their guts
nowadays he's be firted for saying that to 22 sensitive virgin teens
or thats how the media would show it
in the bathroom, 2 teens gossip; about nev being the killer  and call her moma sl-t
and nev is in the stalls
she otta skin em and make em eat their own skin
they leav and as ev s leaving, killer comes out of a stall and she escapes
gale flirts with dewey and in real like they married and b0ned
So classes are called off and jamie kennedybis throwing a party
so fonzie hears sounds and looks around
1 janitor named fred has a fedora and red/black sweater
ita like james cameron having a d0ng monster in avatar
so fonzie gets chopped up
so nev worries she may have fingered the wrong guy
later at the video store jamie kennedy pounts out how  the killers are acting like its a horror movie and follow horror ovie tropes
he suspects billy is the killer and billy sez jamie probably is
i  like the 90s look of this film
too bad its widescreen
later the cops figger out the calls are comming from nevs dad and tomorrow is the anniervsy of nevs moms assassination
so its night now and theres a party and gale and cameria man and dewey stop by it
gale plants a camera there and deweys sister goes to get some beer from the garage
she meets killer in there and thinks its a joke
she realizes it and fights him off b4 trying to escape the garage pet door
she cant fit through and killer opens da garage and it kills her
i dont think garage doors can lift a person
but after 1000 ways to die and myth busters, i dont know whats real anymorw
riki-oh could be scirntiffically accurate
so da cam gale planted has a 30 second delay
so nev worrys shes gonna wind up like her mom andd her billy butt buddy comforts her with movie cr-p about how everything is 1 big movie
nev; why cant i be a meg ryan movie, or even a good p0rn0?
me; you ever see urotsukidoji? maybe la blue girl?
then they b0neoff screen
while watching a horror movie, jamie sez da rules to survive
1 no b0ning
2 no booze or drugs
3 no sayng; i'll be right back
then a guy goes to get a beer and sez i;'ll b right back!
then gale goes out of tthe news van and sez; ill b rite bak!! and walks with dewey
then jamie hears they found fonzie gutted and strung up from the goal post like he sed he'd do to the teens
so are they still expelled?
only fonzir sed it and he didnt make a report note file
the teens go to see a murderd humann  cuz they are scum
while out, dewey and gale find nevs dads car in da woods
after b0ning billy sez he called his dad for his 1 phone call when arrestd
she sez he could've used his 1 call to call her so shr'd think its not him]
then killer shows up, shanks billy and nev lox em in the room
bt he shows up downstairs (as in scream 3 its revealed theres another guy in on it and they had it planned siince ep0 1  like star wars) and she escapes off da roof and seez deweys sisten in da garage dootr
killer appears behind jamie and gale returns to da van and sees killer there on the camera
then killer shows up and icrs cameramanand gale escapes
dewey goes in and halloween is on tv
gale trys to getta way in da car but theres a body on da roof and she swearves to avoid nev and crashes
women driving bad? thats racist!
dewey gets shanked and nev hides in a car but killer has da keys
then killers in da car and she fights and escapes
then jamie and dewreuys sisters bf show up and say each other ddid it
so she lox em out
billy recovered from getting stabbed dead and comes down da stairs and he lets jamie in
bully caps jamie and reveals his stabbing was fake and corn syrup
and dewies sisters bf is in on it
both them were killers aand working together
also they framed the guy nev fingered for her moms wacking and wacked her
they had no motive like hannibal lechtor or norman bates
both had backsstorys in other things
also; nevs mom was a sl-t and after seducing billy dad, it ruined his fam
and now that billy b0ed nev, shes nkot a virgin
and now its after midknight and  its their annin=versery of icing her 5kank
they have her dad (who's innovcent here ad a victuim of his wifes 5kankery too) to blame it on
they shank each other to fake being victims like the gay guy from empire and say "movies dont make psychoes, threy make em more crwative"
remember that gillies de rain or w/e from france?
he iced kids and had daemon rituals
centuries b4 movies
then gakle comes in and has their gun
bt its emptty and they knock her out
wait, safety was on
but nev and dad escaped and call em using the voice changer as a reversal
and dewweys sisters bf is too damsaged from cutting to help
btw, some say billy and dweys sisters  bf were secretly gaying eachother like the guys rope was based on
nev sneak attacks bully dressed as killer and shanks him with an umbrella
then fights dews sisters bf and wacks him with a tv dropping on his head
so jamie iis a.ive cuz hes a virgin and nev fights off billy again
he sees dead but when he moves, nev blows his brains out
then its day time and gale givews a report of it
the end
then credits to a mid 90s song and shows clips of who plays who with the name like spaceballs
that was pretty good
good 90s horror thats self aware
i saw the 4th one in theatres and some of the 2 middle ones and liked em
its well made, has good callbacks to the past, and advances things
it just works
and i like the 90s feel of it
i recall kids in grade school wearing the mask and some had pumps that squirted blood over em
craven knew what hes doing
for scream 2 i want it to be nev getting a new bf who's into horror movies. wait; i want it to be jamie kennedy whop's her new bf, and they are gonna graduate. but 1 by one, people start getting iced in really goey ways. turns out; its dewey, who snapped after his sister bit it and developed another persona who takes over and makes him eat people. also this persona is super smart and has acess to his abilities and memories. also its a stealth game on n64, sega saturn and playstation where you play as dewey's oother self and gop around icing people while remaining undercover.

Thursday, October 10, 2019

Free Birds Review

Note: I spell bird better than like an America
Free Birds
This is my review of Free Birds from the distant future year of 2013
It has owen wilson from zoolander, woody harrelson from zombie land and amy poehler from some gay show thats inferior to mad tv
i never saw this b4 but heard its... Actually i only heard of it on FamilyFriendlyGamimng and they thought it s-cked
its also got george takei and kieth david
so it starts with a thing talking about holidays and how they all have food
What about Yom Kippur? Thats fasting and prayer!
so these roughly gamecube level cgi birds are dumba55es and don't get they will be eaten
but 1 dont fit in
like every other animated movie like this
eventually they figure out they gon get eated
so the other tuekys offer main bird to be sacrificed
like its gonna actually stop them from eating the rest
turns out, its the presidental pardom and this copfederate souding prez saves main bird ciz his kid likes him
so then they go to camp david and daughter falls asleepwatching tv
main bird watches tv and orders a pizza and sees a show about a mexico who was exiled for being different and became a latin ,lover like rudolphe valentino or ricardo cortez
btw this is directed by the guy who did horton hears a who and the live action jonah hex
later main bird gets caught by a wild turkey who wants him for a mission
wild turkey is bada55 and skilled like a ninja
he sez he got a mission from a great wild turkey in the sky and has a super item
they go to a base to use a time machine to save turkeys from the 1st thanksgiving
also wild turjey is kinda outta it
but the time machine is just garcen cr-p
but the shed is a elevator to the secret base
remember how da army dropped outta helping independence day cuz they wouldn'r take out the area 5 1 thing?
imagine if the gov droped outta this for all that time machine cr-p
man, we're like 20 mins in.
that felt like nothing
so after escaping guys in hazmat suits trying to roast em, da prez is doing the time travel thing
the turkrrys get in the time thing and the chrononaught books it as the birds time hop
so they land da machine in 1620 (Between castlevania II Belmonts Revenge and Super Castlevania IV) and the machine starts cloaking
da burdz escape a hunter and his dogs thanks to a girl turkey
the hunters are shown as evil for some reason despite just wanting to eat
we can't even have a spider eating a cricket anymore as some candya55 might get freaked out by nature
leader of the turkey tri8be is p-ssed the future burds lead de hunters near their nest and theres an escape thing where no turkeys are harmed
a few are safely caught
to decide what to do, save the captured birds or not, wild and leader beef up like in dbz and slam each other
I heard modern captive turkeys are bred so their breasts are so huge, they fall over
Anime fan: What's wrong with that??
So the americans need food amd their leader is losing popularity from the people needing
and hunter only brought 2 dinky birds
so girl bird wants a nerd bf and main guy is a beta male nerd
wait; the buffed uop bird isnt the leader
kieth david's bird is
so fture birds go to da base and keitg sez the settlers forced em into hiding
is this avatar??
also girl turkey sez if they stand around doing nothing they become dumba55es
just like all those teens who smoke chronic in their psrents basements
so hunter figgers out the turjkeys are leading em away from something somehow and has a plan
also; 1 turkey named justy is inbred seeming cuz his dad married a chicken
1st; birds have weddings?
2nd; is that a thing on justin trudeau being half castro half frenchie?
btw; 1 turkey has a mexican accent
not sure how that works as they all grew up together
like in the dub of yugioh 5d's how jack atlas has a cockney accent
so after main bird sets off a trap by geting beat by it, girl burd wants to know of da future
then wild bird and his rival i thought was leader have a dance fight contrst to see who's better
man, the movie's half over and nothing happened
so after telling her of the fiture, main bird and her escape hunter dogs hiding in the time machine
hunter finds em and maavhine goes to space and girl bird now believes hes from the future
they return to earth and machine sez its recharged but main burd wants to hold off the return trip
2 things i noticed
1 how does the machine communicate with birds?
2nd; is this a thing on that rainforest movie rio?
so wild burd sees thanksgiving is tomorrow and takes main bird from girl to ready the attack
then tells his bsackstory of being raised in a factory farm and his mom helped him escape but he didn't save the eggs she gave him
later he met the great turjey who gave him a doorknob and told him not to give up
i just realized tthis is a lot like ecco the dolphin on sega genesis
animals time traveling to save their fam from being eaten by superior life formes
so main buurd is throwb over da fence and escapes hunter dogs by using the romote laser pointrer from da future
also he gets wild bird in the eye with it
that can bust ur eyes
dangerous immitatable actions in a kids movie??
what next? kkids playing with aids needles on the street??
so wuld burd frees the caght birds and gets a horn from hunter
then lights a fuse and it blows the gunpowder shed in the settlers base
they book it but wild burd leaves a gunpowder trail from the horn he stole
they get back and are celebrated  cuz of da horn
but girl bird dont like it
hunter sez da birds busted da base and they got magic cr-p
also he notices the powder trail and lights it
main burd asks girl bird to come to da future with him but she sewc the burning trail
hunter gets there, busts their base and torches it
what is this? Avatar??
so da birds (who most of are blue(like avatar)) escape a chute to water and leader sacrifices himself to let the main guys escape with da eggs
btw, we nver see the birds eating
dont they eat bugs and mice?
i hear a chicken can skeletonize a mouse in seconds
so the birds have a ritual whee they fan plucked feathers out of a cave
then they decide wjo gets to be next leader by this game
leader had a half a seashell in a box
where did they get a box!?
whoever has the other half is the next boss
its girl bird
and she calls for them to fight
just like avatar
ripping off a rip off
its like turning mecard ripping off bakugan that ripped off duel masters and battle b da man, which ripped off beyblade and yugioh
so main guy gives up and is gonna go home
he goes back to the future bit his other future selves are there and tell him to go back and fix things
also he has the magic knob and ralize they are the great turkey who sent wild turkey on his mission in the 1st plsace
thats a time loop
its like terminator 1 or black giku in dragon ball supper
so wild bird returns to the new base and in the past/fuuture, main bird be's the great turkey to wild bird
btw. wild bird is named jake, like in avatar
they weren't even trying to hide it
so in da 1621, da birds have a braveheart battle on the humans
hunter wants to use cannons on birds with spears (cuz wings = hands) but time machine comes in and saves em
hunter fires a cannon 2x (without replacing da fuse) but gets sucked into da time hole
main bird tells the settlers with time machine anf gives em pizza from da future
was pizza even invented yet?
so humabn leader give thanks to da bid and they have the 1st thanksgiving
what about Squanto and thanking The Lord?
A Thanksgiving without mentioning God?
Its like an independence day w/o mentioning America!
so wild bird goes in the time machine on a new unexplained journey like in ecco the dolphin II the tides of time
the end
oh and the crefits shows amrican things but tuekey'ed up
then wild birc returns wiotha chicken and duck and asks if they know of turducken
a chicken, stuffed in a duck's a55, stuffed in a turkey's a55
that wasn't so bad
yeah i pretty much a g rated avatar with comedy but i didnt hate it
yeah its full of oplot holes and the characters are pretty much the same as other better films
but its sorta entertaining and has a few good moments
its not awful.
decent music and gags
the generic president being used so it doesnt date thw film reminds me of that earthworm jim ep
huh, this was made in texas
it was voiced and animated ok and had keith david is always cool (like in gargopyles from da 90s)
its an ok movie
a bit above average at times and not awful
for fre birds 2 i want for it to be about the hunter going through the time rist and going through other time perios and hunting other creatures. also; he goes back to before noah's flood and hunts dinosaurs. its also a 16 bit run and gun game on sega genesis, snes, tg16, atari jaguar and gba where you play as the hunter and  fight anxient animals and fight daemons.

Saturday, October 5, 2019

Black Swan Review

note; i'm too polish to spell this soviet thing right
blsck swan
this is my review on black swan from 2010(the year jupiter became a new star from the monoliths and the 1st robotech war happened and transformers season 3 in japan happened)
i never saw this b4 but heard its dark
its by fox searchlight like napoleon dynamite
ooh, thopening music is sota danny elfman
so it starts with a baklet chick
its directed by darren arrenovsky who made that really altered Noah movie
its got natalie portman from the less bad star wars films and ynona rider from alien resurrection
so the balllet was a dream and natty is a dancer or something
its  based ion swan lake which the 90s film the swan princess was based on
i liked dat 1 but never saw the half dozen or so sequels
so after a few mins of going there and prep, the chix dance to train
the director tells da story of the swan princess whi's evil twin seduced her man and she suicides and somehow frees her
thats not how the 90s one went
they need a chick to play both white and blac swanz
wait, was the siister also a swan? or was it her street name like t bird from the crow?
so after training, 1 chick busts her dressing room
huh, this was insppirred by Fyodor Dostoevsky's The Double.
i otta reviw that
Dostoevsky does good work
so natty trys the part but i dont think it went well
later, in a dark alley she sees a chick who looks like her
at home she trains and f's her leg
ahh, her toenail broke
mom treats and comforts her
later this chiock, oh its natty, tries to ask for the lead part
director sez she tries to be perfect but never loses herself in the moment
then they make out but he bites him
wtf is going on?!
latewr another dancer tells natty off for sating something to someone
then she gets the part
i'm having trouble understanding this one
in thw little girls room someone wrote wh-re on thr mirror which she eraSES
at home she sees the eyes of pictures following her
huh, accordimng to wikipedia (which is WRONG often) this film is a lot like the anime perfect blue
oh and mila kunis from that 70s show,family guy and jupiter ascending (that one was a55!!) is in this
so later wynona is retiring and director inttoduces natty to this dinner party
also natty keeps having blood issues like sores and pulling skin off her fingers
its aids!!
then m,ila comes in the bathroom and kinda flirts a bit
is this a p0rn0??
latwr i think natty (who's character nsame is nina like in breath of fire) sees a creepy statue of a birdman(not michael keaton)
then a drunk chick thinks natty let the director b0ned her mouth
maybe we shouldn't have female dancers if these kinda accusations are gonna pop up
later director talks to her about b0ning
natty! get outta there!! he's gonna b0ne u!
he suggests she trys j-rkin off
is this a p0rn0?!
ohhh padme! how could you be in this?!
at home mom notices shes been scratching hersel and puls out her nails
well, just cuts em
but might as well at this point
also natty is just in undies and covering her b00bs with her arms
later natty wakes up and starts j-rkin off but sees someone sleeping in the room and stops
the next day wynona gets run over and director sez she did it on purpose
later she sees wynona in the hospital and she's got a stiched up leg
after more training she gets chiiropractor or w/e done with her buusted up bod
later director sez no one would b0ne natty cuz of her dancing and he dances with her, feels her and makes out hard
weinstein no!!
after mo lesting her he sez; dat was me seducing you. it should be the other way
after he goes, mila comes in and suggests nattys gay for director
later nattys j-rkin ooff in the tub and goes underwater but sees mila and blood
turns out, she has back scratches and she cuts her nauils
so after more taraining and chats with mils nattys riding the subway and a dude is j-rkin off to her
wtf is this film!?
at home mom wants her to remove her shirt but the door rimngs and no ones there
so natty chex and its mila
mila sez shes sorry about wgat she sed and they go have drinks
mila gives natty some drugs bt natty sez no
man we're over an hour in and not much happened
natty sees mila put drugs in a drink and mila pressures her to have a drink
she has water w/o drugs and they chat with guys
so after some dancing to red lights and making out, natty goes home
in the cab mila grabs nattys crotch like that pruvo did to terry crewes
where is this? soviet california?!
so mila snd natty go to nattys home and hide in the bathroom from mom and gay out
ew, natty's flat
after b0ning natty, mila kills her with a pillow
aso natty wakes up and gets to the pracitice late
mila is dping her part as a fill in
mila sez she disdnt spenmd the nightr with natty and thinks natty is gay for her
later they have aother practice and she does the scene where she jumps off a cliff into a mattress
later they measure nattys flsat chest and she finds out mila is her alternate
natty whines to director over how mila is aftr her role
according to sovivet wikiepedea, this is set in new york
later shes dancing and da lights go out
she sees a birdman b0ning mila
what is this, bram stokers dracula?!
good effects on da burdman
later natty returns the stuff she jacked from wynona swhon starts shanking herself with a nail file
she runs home and pukes and sees pictures moving ands laffing at her
mom sees her so she lox herself in her room and starts turning into a bird
she wakes up and mom is trying to keep her from the play which is driving her nuts
natty books it and goes to the play
director sez t lose herself like dat eminem song about moms spaghetti and nat pulls skin off her toes
then her other foot starts fusinmg together
shex goes on and does da play
between takes, she sees mila feeling a guys groin and is dressed like natty's part
for da play natty starts spazzing out
between acts directotrs p-ssed at natty for a screw up
mila is in her dressing room and wants to do her black swan part
they fight, mirror breaks, natty shanks mila with broken glass like that cr-ppy romero+juliete from da 90s
natty starts freakin out and begins pulling out her ribs and eating them
so she goes out and plays blicketee black swan
then starts turning into a bird creature
but its all in her head or w/e
so she makes out wuth director and back in her trail;ir theres no body
she puts a towel on a door to cover da blood
but then mila shows up saying she respects her and wants to getta long
natty real;izes shes nuts and pulls outv a piece of glass from her gut
i think
i dont know wtf is going on
tthen she gives another show and jumps into the mattress
but her gut is bleeding
she sez it was perfect and the scene fades to white like total recall
the end
that was weird
well made, good music, good acting, good effects
kinda purvurted and stange
but not hateABLE
did i like it?
i didn't hate it
but its kinda odd
its a psychological horror but has some gore and creepyness
its got some weird fetish stuff like animal transformation and gore
but its a well made film
it doesn't drag and has good flow even if it don't have too much high action or jolts
for black swan 2 i want nina to be recovering in the hospital and a psychic finds theres a curse on the plaY from the german king it was based on (ludwig or w/e)'s killer mad they made a play based on him. he''s turned into a bird daemon and was the one driving the main star insane. so its up to mila kunis's character to dace fight the ghost daenon through a series of locations the play had important showings and use holy shoes to beat it untril its back to germany and its source. Its also a 3d action platformer on n64, sega saturn, 3do and playstation whee you go through infected areas the play was at and solve puzzles and beat the birdman in each spot.

Thursday, October 3, 2019

The Croods Review

Note: I'm too Creationist to spell right
The Croods
This is my review on Da kroodz from the distant future year of 2013(after the 1st Robotech War during the Malcontent Uprisings)
I've never seen this b4 but I heard it was good
In da 90s it was all about cavemen and dinosaurs
Chuck Rock, Joe & Mac, The Live Action Flintstones
To be fair: Creation Science disproved cavemen and many alleged bones of them are actually other animal bones misidentified
But I watch Power Rangers and Yugioh ZeXaL so reality don't interfere with my likings of shows
its directed by Chris Sanders (Like... da colonek??) who did Lilo and Stitch, How To Train Your Dragon and the 2020 Call of the wild
its byy dreamworks/universal and stars nick cage, enema styone, ryan reynolds and cloris leachman
so this caveman chick and her fam are the last of their kind or something
they survive by following da roolz or being careful
but their world gon end
min girl is a malcontent teen who wants more outta ligfe than her regular fam
just like every disney princess
the animation is pretty good, like high end gamecube
dad played by nick cage from valley girl and face/off leads the fam is a semi-military way with plans and order
better than being a grunting drooling semi-ape they usually make cavemen like
remember garfield: caught in the act, on sega genesis?
that had a caveman level
also theres a kung fu caveman granny who is sarcastic and kicks a55
this seems like a 90s movie
so after an epic chase/football game of jacking a caveman birds egg, they drnk its goo
these guys are caveman ninja like joe/mac
then it gets dark and they go back in da cave for safety
but caveman teen girl keeps staying in da sun as she dont like da cave
b4 going in, she hearz a sound and stays too long
a monster nearly gets emm b4 she gets back and they lock da cave
so dad tells her off for nearly getting em whacked and worried about da fam
oh f the music was done by the guy who did mac&me!!
and tthe bodyguard and the super mario movie
later teen goes after a light in da cave and goes out
she finds a fire and a teen caveman guy
after sniffing him and a small fight he shows her fire which she thinks is alive
he seems like a human instead of a caveman
also he sez da world is ending and theres a huge earthquake comming
she sez she cant go with him and he gives her a flute and books it
then dad comes in and isnt pleased she left
night is when the drug dealers come out
she sez she found something new and they freak out as new is bas
look at widescreen
hay, this film is in fullscreen on the family channel
she shows em the flute and they bust it outta fear
then the earth quakes and every thing busts
so the cave is gone and we get a lite bummer moment
but beyonbd it is a fertile land and mountain and stuff
just like violence jack evil town
this family movie ripped off a violent p0rn0h
so they explore the jungle and high trees and its sorta like avatar
they meet some monkeys and they beat up caveman dad]
then the apes run cuz a big cat yokai comes out
just like avatar
dz cat books it cuz it gets dark and theres a swarm of punk animals that skeletonize animals
pretty hard core
she blows an amimal horn to summon human and he saves em with fire which makes the swarm flee
then he protects teen girl from her fam cuz he dont get she's a caveman
they fear the fire and play with it and torch the pplace
human; who are u people
caveman mom; we're the croods!
i wanna take his face... off
who ai i? i;m spider-man
i activate... the pyramid of light!!
thanks' to these... mystery emn!
so after a chaotic night the human tells em to get to high ground b4 the whole world ends
teen gets dad to take human with em for his fire
and they get dad to go to da mountain
i just noticed the dad looks a bit like my italiano/ midd easturn homie joeseph from the yugioh tournament
then caevman and sontey getting an egg
but they get a scorpion
can't have em killing a warm blooded creature
thats too much for today's candya55 generation
meanwhile, in the 90s, i saw my grandpa take off a chickens had on the farm when i was 04
so huamn and teen set a trap card and use a puppet to lure in a big a55 bird
trap fails and bird attakcs but it gets caught in da trap and they cook and eat it
didn't expect that
also human and caveman girl are growing closer
after dinner dad tells a story of a tiger fam that did what teen girl did and everyone bit it
then human tells a story of a tiger who went to a dangerous cliff and after falling, could fly somehow and went to tomorrow
tigers can fly?
did it use its ki like in dbz?
plus the teen son is really happy to have 2 sotries in 1 night
how simpler things were
now teens get malcontent if they can't go on facebook every 20 mins or play fortnight
so the next day they wake up and the ground is falling into lava
then they come to a spikey floor and only human can cross as he's got shoes
so he gets to be in charge and makes em shoes
they take time to get used to em
human; i get ideas from my brain
son; i dont got one!
dad; acvemen got along fine without brains!
this is pretty clever and fun
later they walk on stilts to get over the cat yokai and human sez thhe tiger flew by riding the sun and flying to tomorrow
later human sez to split up but dad dont want em to
then they fall and get split uup
so they go through this rock thing and notice beauty in nature and lighten up
but dad is still in the rocks and is bummed
evebtually he gets out and his fam moves beuond him
also at night they see da sky and stars and cool stuff
they say dad didnt have ideas so the next day he makes moden stuff like shades and a snapshot
but its flintstones style made of dirt and stuff
we get good bad nick cage acting
so dad sez he thought if he had ideas teen girl would like him more
so they get near the mountain and the fam sez they are done with following dad's rules
dad attacks human and they get stick in a tar pit
human sez his fam bit it in a tar pit and he sees no way out
they have a moment of revelation and see how gril and dad love each other but forgget to ssay it and its his job to keep em alive
human gets his pet monkey to make a cat yokai puppet to get the big cat yuokai to pull em out
won't the tar cook em or damage their skin or dna?
so after beating the tiget somehow (i was typing when it happened0 they get to a clouds and sun sarea but fall
mom (who did very little in this film) sez to get back to da cave and dad sez they gotta follow the light and go on
he throws em over through the smoke and has a tender moment with his fam
so dad jumps ovr and later they r in a cave with da yokai kat
but it is nice this time
dad didnt jump, hes looking for em
i think
dad finally gets an idea and mkes somthing outta bones
then gets the swarm after him and gets a fire
then somehow makes em carry him in the bones
so he gets back to his fam, they reunite and are safe
also the cat yokai is their friend now and they learned lessons
btw the youngest daughter is a fetal kid wo acts like an ape
sorta like donny in the wild thornberries
the end
that wasnt bad
it had some heart, good music and visuals and acting
good storry and easy to follow ideas
good animation
its a bit 90s but still has a bit of a modern bit
it could be seen in any time era as its set in the past
i liked it and i;m glad i saw it
its positive and has good feels
and it goes by pretty fast with no drag
btw, it came out in 2013, the year after the mayan apocalypse
for the croods 2 i want a tribe of ostrich people to encounter them. the o p say they are the true rulers of the world and weresealed away in the past. they escaped from the earth quake and now want to enslave humans and cave guys. so they arange a fighting tournament to deciide who gets to rule the world. its also a 16 bit fighting game on sega genesis, snes, gba, atari jaguar, and tg16 where you play as either a caveman or an ostirch man and fight members of the opposite race to work up to the ruler ostrich or dad caveman depending on who you choose.