Tuesday, July 30, 2019

The Stuff Review

Note; i spell bad but its delicious
The Stuff
This is my revirw of The stuff from 85
Its by Larry Cohen who did good films like Bone, God told me to, Its Alive and A return to Salems Lot
its got michael moriarty from law and order, paukl sorvino from law and order and Danny Aiello from do the right thing (where mooky doesnt do the right thing)
so it starts with a guy finding this white goop oozing from the ground and he eats it
sounds like a normal idea.
could be j-zz
his homie trys it and likes it
later this kid in bed cant sleep and goes to the fridge and sees goop in it
someone j-rked off in the fridge!!
but when dad confronts him over it the goop is gone
so dad eats it
then we see an add for the goop called the stuff
like in yugioh zexal  how that politician was having a shipment of "the stuff" coming in?
other companies want to get the scoop on the stuff
after the stuff was approved by the fda, the members who approved it resigned
the companies hire a guy to figure out the story behind the stuff
i think hes a spy or private dick
is that michael mroiarty?!
so da next day the kid comes down late and he sez he feels sick
but dad sez he's missed 3 days ofn school and wants him to go
also kid dont want the fam to eat the stuff
like from highway to heaven?
he saw the stuff moving and refuses to eat it
private dick looks into the stuff and wants to seteal the info
then an 80s photoshoot with 80s music of 80s chicks modeling the stuff in furs
p d looks shows up and wants to buy her agency
model owning chick has a minion look him up
at the store the kid trys stoppong people from having the stuff by slamming itr on da ground
imagine if i burned down a beer store to stop drunk driving?
p d goes to a guy with a big black dog's place and asks him about being in the FDA
F--k Duck A55??
F--k Dog A55?
he wants to find out whats in the stuff
btw i never saw this movie b4 so i dont know hoq its gonna go
dog guy isnt a chemist (like dolph lundgren but not bill nye) and offers to get him more names
also he fed his dog he atuff and fears it
feed dogs aids
at night p dd goes to an ice cream stand selling da stuff as the dog wastyes its master
i think it barfed foam into his mouth
idea for a movie scene; fat guy moons fit guy. fit guy spits at fat guy. it goes in his butt hole. he starts screaming as it reacts with his body and white thick foam comes out of his butt. then his face twists and his mouth, nose, ears and eyes start leaking foam, then it gets more violent and he gushes foam out while making barfing sounds.
so p d goes to a gas station and gasman is the omnly one left in town
another car come by and gasman runs
when p d checks it out a black guy attacks but p d beats him
black guy is chocolate chip charklie who wants his company back adftyer it was stole
pd and ccc check the poast office and fins the people there went to midland georgia
postal woker sez "leave us alone" but theres no one ellse there
ccc considers kidnapping postal but postal is dead with a grotesque open mouth and white fluids oozinf out of it n out da window
its a symbiote!!
then they escape after fighting guys who squirt white goo when hit
its like fist of the north star
also postal is alive
they go too a diner but the dinber dont have the stuff
they split up and p d goes to da city
but a stuff vendor uses an 80s brick cellphone to signal a bus to try to run over p d
p d talks to a guy who funds the stuff production or w/e and guy trys to hire him
then talks to a chick who started the campaign that made da stuff popular
also p d sees an newspaper story on the kid
then an 80s add for the stuff on tv and kid is watching in his room as he''s in terouble for trashing a store
he goes down and his fam is playing some video game and eating the stuff
kid sez the stuff was moving but dad sez its probiotic and good for em
then the big bro grabs kid and tries to make him eat the stuff
why not give him an enema of it?
dad sez to stay in his room til he finishes the tub of stuff they gave him
so he dumps it in the toilet and it moves around
then replaces it with shaving cream
is this turning into eegah!?!?\
then he runs into the night as the fam chases him and p d saves him as he's driving by right then
kid barfs in the car as he just ate shaving cream and they take a private jet to georgia
chick pd and 2 guys go in a limo to the stuff plant
in da plane te kid astays beind and the pilot starts barfing white goo that fills the plane b4 he escapes
he probably got b0ned at the airmport bathroom
kid wanders to the mines and avoids detection bby workers and sneaks in an empty trunk that carrys fluids
at nigfht p d and chick return to a hotel and p d sez if u eat too much it controls ur mind
and some resist better than others
then an add for the stuff like the wheres the beef adds and cheesy 80s cgi
while leeping a pillow turns into moving goop and grabs p d's face
chick sets it on fire and it jumps on the ceiling
thern they fights a guy and the bed j-zzes on him to pin him to tyhe wall and move him on it
the foamy white goop moves around and it looks really good
far better than cgi
they escape the buurning hotel and jack a pickup truck to go back to the factory
they fiollow the truck with kid it it and the pickup truck f's out near the mines
in the mine they find this huge pool of foamy white goo and the truck guys are pumping it into the trucks
p d wants to jack a truck to proove what the stuff is
but that wont proove anything
all it'll show is he stove a truck of the stuff
no evidence of where its from
its like carbon dating
they know how much carbon is in the bones and calculate its date by counting back
but they don't know how much carbon it originally had
its like you have a glass of pop thats 2/5ths full and you guesstimate how much evaporated to tell how long it was out
but never knew how much it started with
so p d puts on a hazmat suit and tells chick to go somewhere to wait for him
the truck the kid is in is getting filled with goo and p d hears him
p d slugs out a guy and drives off with the truck
then sets off charges he planted that berry the pit
a guy attacks the chick but she pops his eyes and p d runs him over
good gore
they get kiod out and the cops chase em
cop pulls him over for having a hanging out hose (from the truck. not his weener)
chick and kid get cops attention by getting him to eat the stuff off the floor and p d breaks his neck with a judo chop
if you eat a guy who eats the stuff, is it like you ate the stuff?
its day and p d gets to a castle to give the colonel info
col dont trust p d but he tells him the stuff is worse than commies putting floride in the water to turn us queer
col implies he wants to b0ne the chick after the mission
later the army sends a redneck looking guy (my name is earl??) to bring back the truck asaking for a reward.
guard opens gates but shoots redneck
then army comes in and shreds him and attacks the factory
the workers all suicided and col wanted to ice em himserlf
chick and kid leave but are chased by a flow of goop
nowadays they'd use cgi
they escape but itt starts busting outta the walls and spilling out
col. owns 2 radio stations and is gonna out the stuff
on a private jet col. trys to get chick to change his image as he was always an alpha male and all the wieners wanted someone sissy like them
sounds like kids shows today
the bada55 is a 3rd tier character and the candya55 is the main guy who saves bada55
like if hokuto no ken was made today, bart and lynn wiould be the main characters and kenshiro would be their digimon who comes out to save em (but often needs their help)
col goes to his radio station and tells em to stop the adds for da stuff
chick wants to take responsibility for her add thing but p d tells her not to so her career will survive
then ccc comes in and wants a piece of the action of outing the stuff
col dont trust ccc as he maty be a commie or something
ccc sez he saw what happens after the stuff is done with em
then starts spazzing out and mutating as foam comes outta him and he devolves into foam
and kid is caught iin da room with em
p d cooks the foam with electrical cabels and saves em
col tells the radio about the dangers of the stuff
then people start burning piles of the stuff and blow the places that store it
but lotsa guys bit it
its sorta like something that happened to me
in college i saw adds for the birth comntrol pill called Yaz or YaZmin.
2 years later i was watching tv and saw an add
if you took yaz or yazmine and had uterus problems, death, disability, ect, call us and we can get you money
this happens all the time
they approve a wundecure and market it
the add has like 40% of it telling of dangers it causes
years later after it killed and crippled us, they say we can get money for our ruined bodies
i'd rather have a healthy body than a lot of cash
otherwise its just ritual sacrifice
cutting off parts as offerings for wealth
this is why scientists sshouldn't be seen as always right just cuz they got a degree
they are not gods among men who do no wrong
they are just people who can and do make mistakes
btw; black guy bit it in a horror movie
so p d talks to a guy from b4 who tried to hire him and othe guy who ran the ice cream company who sent him shows up
they were working together!!
and are making "the taste" which is only 112% stuff and tested on an illinois county
and the kid comes in with a thing of the stuff
p d pulls a gun on the and is gonna make em eat it
they eat and cant stop
later some guys are running an undersground stuff ring
the end
and the creits music sounds like a fun 80s movie like back to the future or superman 4 the quest for peace
wtf abe vigoda was in an add for the struff
so that was quite good
sorta like halloween III seasin of the witch
it had a good message we can still relate to and still fits in todays century
good acting and the effects looks real
good twists too
its mote of a satire than a horror movie
sorta like how freakazoid is a comedy with superhero thenes
larry cohen did it again
put this on the history channel
for the stuff 2 i want people to still be biting it from overdosing of the stuff and its causing problems with people erupting foam on others to infect them with the stuff. soon the gun decides to stop j-rkin off and do something about these junkies. So they decide to just take out everyone addicted to it and cook the bodies as the bodies get turned into more stuff after they erupt. also its a 16 bit run aand gun game on sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar, tg16 and gba where you play as the colonel but he's on roids so hes super beefy and his crew including other bodybuilders (and a few beefy chicks) who go around with flamethrowers in the slums of soviet new york riasting junkies and the infected.

Monday, July 29, 2019

The imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus Review

note; i spell better than the monky python brits make sense
the imaginarium of doctor parnassus
this is my review of the imaginarium of doctor parnassus
ive never seen this b4 but its made by the monty puython guy who did those cr-ppy awesaome carttomns on it
its got heath lrdger and johnny depp this was heath's last film so i assume its gonna be good
like brandon lee in the crow or orson welles in transformers the movie
i used to call this film "the sodomarium of dr d-ck a55es"
it starts in soviet england and this building transforms into a carnival like thing
a guy on it claiming to be mercury of the gods shows a cr--ppy shiow about dr[arnassus
then some modern day people come in drunk and cause a ruckus
i thought this was the 1800s
drunk throws off the guys and trys to b0ne the gurl but she escapes into this cr-ppy area behhind the area
she beats him up, he falls in sh-t and gets caught by tentacle monsters in this weeird cgi nightmare land
is this how they'd do live action la blue girl with the shkima realm?
he finds a pyramid and huge steps and a guy tells him of a great glory with dr parnassus
but he goes to get a drink, the bar blows and the geezer on the show sez someone won and he lost
the cops come and want him gone and shut him down
later at their show a kid goes in the mirror land and takes out a big cgi balloon
but the freaks drop him back with a magic trick
also i think mercury is gay for the chick in tthis shpw
later geezer sez someones come to collect and the midghet comforts him
also chick wants to escape her life of living with freanks
chick smokes and sez shes gonna be 12
then really 16
both ways is too young to b0ne
and is the same as being 6
she complains about being forced to fake being 12 to geezer
geezeer tells a story about his past centuries ago as hes like 1000 like |Saiilor Mini Moon
in his monk cave with other monks, this guy came in and sealed the other monk's mouths
i think hes the bad guy
a bird poops on bad guy and geezer takes it as a sign
so geezer did something i missed as i was getting my spaghetti and got eternal life but it kinda s-xked
then in the now, the freaks see a guy hanging from a bridge and get him out
they cpr him alive and stuff him in a box and later he wakes up and metts the midget
he dont recall who he is and his cell phone goes off and speaks soviet russuian
they bust his phone and geezer recognizes him as having been sent as he has the tarot card of the hanged man
they give him a long nose mask like a tengu and put him in the show
but geezer is drunk and f's it up
so tengu saves the show by selling cr-p
so later geezer is hung over and bad guy comes back and bets him 1st to get to 5 souls gets the win
and hes got 2 days
later geezer puts a cap and wires on tengu and does a reading to find hias name is tony sheppard
like chris sheppard from student bodies?
then tengu tony wants this music thing from the mercury guy as he sez its his
but mercury keeps dopoing slight of hand to f witgh him
midhget tells geezer chick and mercury have love and hes not pleased
later they do another night show and mercury nearly kidnapps a girl
they gotta book it and use fireworks at the ground to escape
also they crash their cr-pmobile show thing
wasnt this like some weird cgi phantasy thing?
thats what the trailors and adds lead me to believe
but we're over an hour in with adds and only got 1 shot of that
so then we get some flashbacks on geezers issues dealing with bad guy or something
later tony tengu i think nearly smooches da chick but geezer comes in
tony offers suggestions to improve the show for geezer and they do it
it looks and seems kinda clockwork orange
at the show this chick wants to adopt the midget in blackface thinking its a kid
then the adopter goes intio this cgi land like a weird ps2 game and tengu goes in to save her
i think hes played by a different guy in now as they take off his maask and he looks weird
btw its weird seeing cgi with ciolor
i mean its not bold and vivid like dragion's lair but its still miles beyond harry potter and its dead chaercoal pallet
h takes her to a desert and offeres her a choice to go 1 of 2 wasys
1 is a gondala with photos of dead celebs who are "immortal" as people remember em
he starts takes her items and bad guy's face on a big cgi cobra body comes outta the black ooze
she goes on the gondora and tony is ejected from the mirror world
then she comes out on a swing and hives them a blank check
so bad guy is watching and so are soviets who see tony and chase him into da mirror
they speak english in the mirror woeld and chase tony up a ladder
tony sees newspapers of him ssaving the world like bill anmd ted and he breaks the ladder to stoop the sioviets
he walks on it like stilts and trips on a branch, only to land on mercury crossdressing
the soviets get him but hes played by another actor
they say he stole their money and they'll ice him and get a noose
but cross dresser trys to save him but gets his a55 kicked
they start stringing tony tengu up bit a show of brit cops comes in wanting to use their violence for good
but brit cops are candy a55es who cant even have guns
they go to a soviet mom and she blows into fire and i think is a robot like in men in black 1
so tony chex ion mercury but he dont recognize him
tony tells him he accepted a lone and laundered dirty cash through his charity as he needed cash
also during the chase, the sky went black and area endarkened
crossdresser mercury wont tell him how to get to the ladders and leaves through a curtain wall
so bad guy shows up and sez 4 soviets who bit it make em even as they each nead 1 more soul
geezer tells chick he made a devil bargin and his woman bit it giving birth to the 16 year old chick
he let geezer be immortal but any kids he makes would be bad guys at age 16
thats old enough to b0ne in soviet canada
also; why not just pray?
I mean if the devil is real, then so is God.
also theres a new bet and if they get 1 more soul they win so they need to do a show
chick runs away and tony ewants to be the 5th soul
she returns and mercury fights tony over a newspaoer he found about to9ny and tony throws him away and chick goes to the mirror
theyu escape into mirrorland and its a colorful cgi land like a modern sonic game and thry make out til its night
they find a kid by the land and see tonys past as a father or maybe that kid is his gf as celebs like kids often
i think hes played by another actor
they meet da president and i think its FDR
a midget sez he was arrested for selling organs of 3rd world kids to wealthy 1st worlders
tony beats him up and everyone sees so he books it
then the building starts cracking apart and its sorta like distortion world in pokemon platinum
mercury was the midget here i think (not the same midget from b4) and falls off a cliff saying he loves the chick
geezer tells tiony he gives them the oppertunity but its tony fault he f'd it up
tony throwws him down and chick runs in a black void with glass shards
she finds bad guy and sez she deserves h-ll
bad guy dances with her in a glass shard kalidoscope and after she runs he sez hes won
so bad guy gives geezer a chance to get back his girl if her gets some info on occult markings
tony gets to da top of the steps and geezer takes his music thing and f's with it
then hangs himseklf after swallowing it so he wont die
tony cprs him back and gets the item (a pipe)
the guys chasing him string him up and he bites it
then geezer talks to bad guy and bad guy dont know where chick is
years later geezer is roaming the wastelands and looking for her
then hes in the city as a hobo and sees a chick with bells on her leg like his girl
he follows her to a restaurant where shes married with a kid
the midget is there and tells bhim not to see her as he'd freak out the grandkid
also geezer is dr parnassus
later he does a puttet show and bad guy is there
the end
that was kinda good
a bit weird
and the trailers mostly showed parts that were hardly in the film
its got good acting and good twists and good music
it feels like it should be an 1800s set film but its modern
the cgi is not realistic but looks good and the film has good meaning even if i don't fully grasp it
its well made and as heath legder bit it, they had to have like 5 other guys play tony
i think it worked and this film was pretty good
fpr the imaginarium of doctor parnassus 2 i want the daughter to find the geezer and tell her that her daughter is having some kind of supernatural things. turns out, its remnants of the pact of the bad guy from the 1st movie. to save her, the daughter and the geezer need to go to several temples and put on a show to appease the daemons there to get the magic jewels they guard. also its an 8 bit game on nes, master system, tg16 and atari 7800 where it plays like the pokemon contests in pokemon emerald, platinum or white2.

Saturday, July 27, 2019

Hyena Road Review

note; im still getting used to this comp. but im yyryong to spell better
hyena road
tgis is my review opn hyena road
its from the soviet republic of canada and is about soldiers or something
i never saw this b4 but it was either this or passchendaele which i already did
its giving on canadas state broadcaster the cbc which is a commie channel
so after a narrator gives backgorund on the 3rd world country they are in, we get credits
theres a road the soldiers go on
then some soldiers see a guy putting something by a road and report it
they take him out j fk style (a gov ordered sniper)
then ssend in a team to check it out
my bets are he's innocent and the army iced him for no reason
thats how these movies go
its like making the soviets look evolved and america look evil in da cold war
they sniper a few bodies and 1 blows in a massive burst
then natives attack
they flee but the road is rigged so they gotta go another way
they are outmanned and outgunned
if they had mustard gas they could take em all out in one item
the kaiser would use it
mussolini used it
but the U N only cares about the bad guys so good guys can't use it now
they escape into a village and meet a geezer who helps em by throwing back a grenade
they report on radio intercom and describe geezer who has 2 different colored eyes like yubel in yugioh gx or dartz in yugioh
they go in geezers place and his daughter/syiters/wifes/neices or w/e come in
the natives blow open the wall and geezer goes out then comes back and its safe
they go back and return to their base the narrator describes as dumping a lot of cr-p into a lake where it gets in the air and they breathe their own waste
makes sense
now explain the smells of the wrest of the world
later this moustache army guy meets a guy he needs to help build the road
a chick describes the road guy as caligula
so he's in a p0rn0e played by malcom mcdowel?
narrator sez alexander the great tries to conquer this country years ago but it was long and hard to do
alexander delarge?!
more malcome mcdowel p0rn0e!!
so alex sent dirt to his mom and she spread it around and when she told 2 slaves to clean it up they went mental and killed eachother
sounds like the place is cursed
we need a lot of priests to bless it
its like violence jack's presence driving people to lust for blood
later this army guy talks to a soldier about cr-p like family and gf's
thats the end of them
also they talk about the geezer who helped em
at night a human male and human female soldier chat and i think they are a couple
but they slipt
the next day they go to find the geezer to learn more about him
but the village isnt there and the geezer there dont' know odd eyes geezer
but most peole like him live in the base
wait, i think its the city
army guy chats with a guy about it and this guy sez there may be an attack by natives
later they hear some army guys got captured by natives and 1 guy freaks out
aparently they do awful thing to living people
i assume its something awful like pulling the skin off their b0ners
something disturbing or uncivilized like that
maybe they bite the skin off?
you\d have too be pretty f'd up to do somethign liek that to a human
so this squad goes out on a mission and are lout all night
then they dance to the song "play that funky music white boy"
then they go to da city and its kinda cr-ppy
1 guy sez they know an inside guy who sleeps in a different place each night and cant be seen with them and is on the run for 2 years
they meet da guy and its odd eyes
they mention a warrior who fought the soviets and is now back
hes called the lion and odd syes sez he dont know but might be lying
main army guy sez oodd eyes is the lion
and lion survived a lot of soviet attacks getting blown apart and revived
is he rasputin?
rasputin survived being killed a lot by sorviets
although recent reports say it was the brits who did it
so army guy gives lions backstory
when the soviets left, lion retired to avoid the civil war
thern the cionvoy blows and they gotta book it
they execute the car rather than let the natives get it
they'd b0ne it dead!!
they escape through da streets but heres enemy fire
this just turned into call of duty 1-500
they eventually get picked up in a dtruck by a friendly native and escape
later the human male and human female talk AND male sez he loves female
well thats the end of him!!
main aarmy guy does research on stuff
a chick gets can ultra dsound but i wasnt paying much attention so i;m not sure if shes pregnant or has gut issues
then this guy cams his gf
later its revealed lion (also called ghost) is back for family honor
huh, this is directed by paul gross
so a squad goes oout at the part the movie started at and these guys working with them are double agents for the natives
and they have captured little girls
this just got woody allen
but due to regulations, as the bad guys dont have weapons, they cant attack
as no one can harm anyone unarmed
thats why no one is ever beat dead in prisons where weapons are banned
one soldier is disgruntled by having to let those little girls be sold to degenerates
so due to their culture, and honor rules, if you bring dishonor then you gotta leave forever
because the double agent butt b0ned a soviet years ago and lion outed him, only lion can take out double agent
thats f'd
and no i didnt make that up
this is like a bad prison movie
later, human female shows the ultra sound of her kid with humabn male and they are happy
they b0ned on leave and it should be ok as there is no office romance allowed in the millirtary
until president hussein ended dont ask dont tewll and now everyones b0ning everyone w/o consent
so another offscreen attack took out civilians and they need to stop that to finish hyena road
in m d geist, vaiya is called a hyena and ws in a mad max wasteland like this
also main army guy sez ghost/lion is back and can be an ally
so later main army guy meets some dude and asks about the captured kids
dude wants to help to take down double agent
later human male and human female b0ne and wanna marry
btw human male is the other main guy who translates everything for main guy
so later they go on a mission and listen to 2 guys talking including dude and double agent
i think dude might be odd eye
dude gives double agent cash and wants the girls back
but double sez his son is missing
so dude pulls out son's head from under his coat
double pulls a gun and main army guy wants them to spare double
bit as double has a gun, they dont need persmission and they empty his head
btw doubkle just stood there for like 45 seconds with his gun at dude and did nothing
main guy complains about how dude (who it turns out is odd eye) wanted an honorable end and thats gone now
odd eye takes off 1 soldiers face and natives attack
it shows his faceless head with a bloddeed hole
they drag faceless out and book it and we see the gunfights blowing off parts of guys
wait, i think odd eye is helping em
oop, hes dead
oh and 1 guy steps on a trap card and his legs get blown off
they hide in a home and worry about being caught and skinned
i guess my b9ner joke is canon
human male wants to suicide attacvk to take out all the natives but human fenale dont want it
he tells odd eyes hes gonna be a father
bit, he IS a father
the baby is alive in his woman
its not like it only exists onvce the mom poops it out
unless they saved j-zz from his corpse and made the baby in a lab
then he'd be a father after biting it
so the army launches aan attack and blows the area with long range cannons
btw i think he's played by paul gross
he b0ned a chick and bit it on enemy turf
just like in passchendaele
oh and the army saves the kid slaves b4 they get b0ned
main army guy looks kinda like the bad guy in the 2010s wonder woman www1 movie but might be related to kiefer sutherland
he sounds like him
jack boston from 2004
then theres a ceremony with the human male and they load his body in a plane
kinda like passchendaele
and his woman is there
just like passchendaele
main army guy sez alenxander the great fought for 3 years in that country
he got drunk and killed his movmie with a spear
then went nuts and bit it 5 years later
i already reviewed that movie
the end
that was pretty well made
yeah it takes things from other films
but its not awful
its got some good parts
the acting is ok
good effects
good gore
decebnt story
i didnt hate it
that gross guy did another ok war film
didnt expect a few twists in here
i mean mel gibson would probably do it better but this is ok for soviret canada
showing unfair war thgings and hoew people try to get through
i never wanna fight in war, but i respect those who defended us
for hyena road 2 i want the main guy from the 1st one to have been helping the pregnant chick with her kid and sees how his dad would've loved him. so he has enough with army regulations and goes rogue. he gets a suit of kevlar and makes illegal weapons to take on the natives any way he can and begins wasting em like a ninja. also its an 8 bit nes, sega master system, tg16 and atari 7800 game where you play as him and its like the nes batman or ninja gaiden and some of the natives are daemon powered and turn into abominatuons.

Friday, July 26, 2019

Four Weddings And A Funeral Review

Note; im on a new laptop and not used to da keyboprd so imma spell bad
four weddings and a funeral
this is my review on four weddings and a funeral
its got hugh grant and some brits
ooh its fullscreen
so it staerts with people going somewhere and high grant woke up late and they get to this wedding
thats 1
they sing a song about God and englasnd
in good countries thgey dont bring theur country into church songs
but the regent (i think henry) trtied to put his will above God's
Sorta like Mao putting himself above nature
both turned out the same
also theers an american there
t the after party hugh hears this guys girkl aint his gf so he sez she liked anohter guy
shes not the ex gf's guys wife
thats like seinfeld
i want a seinfeld ep where elaINE bashess george for liking dbgt as its not as dbz
but when dragonball super comes on she hates it as its cr-p and cant admit it as george would never let her live it down
so this mr bean looking c-ck sucker sez hes gonna be a priest
later the hugh grant gives a best man speech and sez he cant go through a marriage
then they dance like they got brain damage
1 brides maiid is disgruntled cuz no one b0ned her
thats how the aids spreads
later hugh talks to a chick i think american and hes kinda befuddled
they;re turning him hetero
they leave and bridesmID IS MAKING out wiyth an ugly guy
they go in a big jeep and its the woods at night
look out for spring heeled jack
they leave hugh in da woods to return to the h-llgate he came from
he stops at a castle or hut or ghotel or something and one guy saw the american chick
he talks with da owner but amewicnan chick sez shes his woife and wants him to her room
they make out and probably b0ne
but hes a brit!
he gon giv u da aidz!
\da next dae she has to go back to america
freedom from soviet england!!
but she wants to marry him cuz they b0ned
thats not how it works you 5kank!
1st u marry, then u b0ne!!
its like if you go into a story and opern a bbag of chips and eat some then say "i'll pay for it if i like it"
also hugh dont wanna marry. just b9ne
so they run to this church for another wedding\
thats 2
and mr bean is the priest
he pronounces bernard as burn nerd
this is why he dont speak as mr bean
also he f's up the wedding guys names
after da wedding high meets america girl and she shows him her fiancee
later hguh wines about how he isnt married yet
this hag askes this shick if shes martried and shwhen she sez no she asks if shes queer
chick sez she was queer for 15 mins at school
they turned her
well, she is english
at dinner they talk about women who hugh grant b90ned
then this best man tells about da grooms past gf who dumped hyim
is this a roast?
then hughs past gf comes by, sez hi, and leaves crying
crazy b--ch
also 1 guy is deaf and people talk sigh language to him
later ex gf talks to hugh over him f ing her up
its like that sailor moon ep where mina was dating tigers eye and hawks eye at the soome tinme
rini; its not nice to play with peoples hearts
then they b0ne
a month later they are living together
in sin!!
and the american is getting married soon
high goes to buy a present but its too expensive in the soviet republic of england
and he meets american there and they go choose dresses
surprized hugh isnt wearing a dress
you know how those brits are
after it they tallk abouyt marriage means forsaking allk others
and how they might not be abole to do it
freekin wh0res!!
she talks about all the guys she b0ned
she had 33 guys
shes gonna get hiv
then they meet deaf guy hughs bro and he is pretty lusty
imagine him doing sigh language and j-rkin off
latert hugh branch (remember that one?) goes to american and spends like a whole minute saying nothing with a lot of words
candy a55 english
she gets what he means and i think they groe cloeeser
so then theres wedding 3 and america chick marrys some scott
after that the guys talk about finding true love
what is this? wedding peach? sailor moon? robotech??
hugh meets a girl he b90ned or something and they chat
then another gfirl who likes him he b0ned
ametyican chicj gives a speech and sez someone sed if things dont work out, he'ds take care of him
then this geexzer bites it
they had a ceremony for him and we get a long srs sad moment in what i assume is a comedy
afterward high sez to an ugly guy about how they were proud to be siongle but wewre sorta married to each orher the whole time
well... it IS england
they talk about getting married (to chicks) and hoping to find someone to love
what is this? sailor moon??
10 months later its hughs wedding
hes marrying one of the cggivcks he b0ned b4
they calledd her duckface
probable f--lkface in the real version
after what guys do with her
at da wedding all these minor characters who met over da filme reunite and will probably b0ne
oh and american chick dumped the scott she married
so the hugh is hving 2nd thoughts and deaf bro gives advice
so he goes up to get married and prieest asks if anyone has just cause not for them to marry, say so
how about; they aint virgins??!!
deaf bro sez high has to marry someopne he loves and he loves someone else
his bride punches him out and he goes down like a little b--ch
well he shouldn\t have broken her heart
she loved him and he f'd her
if she did it to him and he slugged her out it would be da same
he lead her on and ruined her wedding
f this guy
i hope he gets the aids
then america girl comnes by and is wet from the rain
btw, were he a real man (an american) he'd have counterted her attack and took her out
but brits aint known for being manly
he sez he loves america girl and they stand in englands cr-ppy rain
he sez he dont wanna marry her and they just wanna live in sin
and she consents
then they kiss and lightening flashes as God hates sin
that was only 3 weddings
bait and switch!!
then we get wedding photoes of all the minor couples marryuing
i think a hetero couple had a 3 man marrisage with a dog
oh and hugh has an illegitrimate kid with american cahicik
the end
that wasant so bad
it was soft and lite but had a down moment
yeah it had awfukl morals and the main cast was 5kanks
but it was a well made film and had good early 90s lighting and filmibg
i didnt hate it
its watchable
with brittyish humor
but not stuff that makes u laugfh like monty python
for four weddings and a funeral 2 i want hugh grant to start rotting and its revealed one of the many women he was with gave him hiv. so he goes on a quest to find out who. turns out it was his wife. also its an 8 bit text adventure game ojn sega master system, atari 7800 and nes where you go around finduing clues like in carmen csandiego.

Sunday, July 14, 2019

The Golden Child Review

note; I spell exotic (as in bad)
Thre Golden Child
This is my review on the golden child from 1986
its got eddie murphy and james hong from waynes world 2
I never saw this b4 but heard its cr-p
its directed by the guy who did fletch and the 1st bad news bares
people say this movie s-cked but i might like it
i never saw it b4 so here goes
it starts in the mountains of asia and theres awesome 80s music like a jean claude van damme movie
btw this dont use cg and looks better than 90% of movies today
so theres this kid who has powers and revives a dead parrot
if only he was on monty python
then the temple is invaded and i think they ice everyone
they cage the kid in this weird h r giger thing and take him away
the bird gets out and i gotta say the music in there was sorta sege genesis boss
then its america and eddy murphy is putting up posters to 80s music
good montage of city sights and 80s tunes
then on a tv show is an interview with ed and he's helping find lost kids
some chick is watching the show and this is set in soviet california
later ed is playin some b ball out inside da hood and chick comes to him to find the kid from the mountains
kid's destiny is to save the world
what is this? final fantasy?!
so there was a prophecy about ed saving him but ed don't buy it
the kid is called the golden child
later the kid ed was looking for finds the kid he was putting up posters for
well, her remains in a park
i think she was ritual sacrificed in a house nearby
california is new sodom
so chick finds ed and sez he's already working her case.
turns out the markings on the wall were evil runes or something to keep the kid contained
the kidnappers iced the girl and are feeding the golden child blood
to find out more clues, they see james hong who takes em to this chick behind glass
so the gold kid is gonna save the world but if he dies the world gets f'd
and nothing in this world harms him but if he does stuff impure it wont last
also one of the glass chick's ancestors was b0ned by a dragon and now she is over 300
she did this rattling thing and a long body moved around behind the glass
i thought she was some kind of human centipede
so at night ed trys to seduce the chick but it dont work
meanwhile the bad guys try slingshotting stuff At da kid but it dont work
also a pepsi can comes to life, folds into a humanoid and dances to put it on the ritz
kid still wont eat their blood and oatmeal and has psychic powers like in akira or dbz and can move things
then ed looks out his window and sees the kid glowing out there ad sending him a bird
he vanishes and ed gets a call saying the dead kid was with the yellow dragons biker gang or something last week
so da nexte daye ed and xhick go to the biker gang place and ed brings his .45 magnum and tels chick to staye behinde
ed hops a fence and scares a fam and takes some chips
chick follows and ed sneaks in a place as da bikers watch a rock video
ed gets caught and chick sneaks in
they tie him up and a guy coughs on ed
hs gonna get aids now
so xchick comes in n beats em up and frees ed who then beats on em
this just turned into double dragon
then ed tells her off for not following his orders
ed interrogates a biker and eats on him to find out they sold the girl to a guy to make a black arts deal
ed then kills him with a fist to the face
in the real version th guys jaw came off and ed took his hands off with it
ed goes to the guys they sold her to and tells em he wants to see the guy who owns the place or he kikka yu a55
ed and chick fight a guy and chase him but i think his soul tturns imto a rat or the guy who killed him did
i wasnt looking
chick tells ed they are fighting daemons
what is this? castlevania??
maybe ghouls and ghosts
manwhile, head bad guy goes to h-ll and taks to dr claw from inspector gadget
he's told to get this magic dagger to ice the gold kid as its not of this world
bad guy appears to ed in his dream and its all f'd so ed figgers out its a dreem
he trys to buy edd but ed dont fall for it
they burn eds arm with a cigar and tell him to trade the kid for a dagger
ed then finds chick in a bikini and tied up in toilet paper and is gonna b0ne her but fights a guy
he wakes up and has an arm burn
they see dragon glass chick and she tells em the dagger iced the 2nd gold kid, the one of justice
they need ed to go to asian to get the dagger as hes the chosen one
so after going up to eddys apartment and probably b0ning she gets him to go to asia
huh, the chick in here was b0ned by roman polanski w/o consent
but soviet hollywood still loves him
while in asia ed trys to buy sometjing from a guy who gives him a cr-ppy necklace and takes a 100$ bill
he speaks perfect english and escapes with his cash
so they take a boat and go up a  mountain and its starting to seem like demon lord dante in here
in da placethe guy who jacked eddy is there and asks eddy to ask for the dagger when chick trys
he tells ed only a pure hearted man cann have and use the dagger
to get it he must carry a glass of water w/o spilling any and walk a path
he goes into a cave and its like landstalker the treasures of king nole on sega
he has to walk across these stone pillers over a bottomless pit
and cross a cr-ppy bridge and theres fire blasts
and the stone things can fall
is this a zelda game?!
he gets to da dagger but teres fire so he drinks the water and it stops
so ed gets it and returns and asks the 100$ guy for girl advice
he sez n0 j-rkin off and stay pure
also be honest or something
also the guy is kinda a slob so jim carry i meen eddy murfy lets him keep da 100$s
then 100$ guy tells chick to trust and go for eddy and its revealed hes her dad
so ed dont think they will let him on a plane with a 2 foot knife udner his shirt
ed plants a knife on this american and when it sets off the metal detector he sez hes a lost art cop and fasttalks his way outta it
at america bad guy brings the cops saying ed has his stolemn property
ed goes with it and wants the cops to book him as if they do, the blade is evidence until after the trial in up to a year later
bad guy lets him go and they go to some house in the country
but at night the baddz attack and ed/chick fight
bad guy can teleport around like The Dark Queen in battlemaniacs and the chick gets shot in the back and bites it
also she sez she b0ned him cuz she loved him
ed goes to dragon glass chick and she sez if gold kid heals her while sun is still on he she can be revived
also we see her and shes a naga
btw ninja scroll ripped off the chick getting iced after b0ning the hero b4 the final fight
he followes the bird like in zelda and gets to the baddz base
ed gows in and a guy has him at crossbowpoint but a big guy snaps crossbows neck and takes him to the child
they free the gold kid and ed goes to fight bad guy boss
bad guy boss turns into a daemon and ed books it with gold kid
they escape in a car hotwired by gokld kids magic touch and dragon daemon boss chases
gold kid uses his powers to help ed get in a building and they fight the boss and the place caves in on boss
can the gold kid fly?
i mean by using his mind moving power on himself like in dbz
so ed and kid escape and the sun is going down
they get to da chick and boss busts outta the ground and trys to shank ed with the dagger
but the medal 100$ gave ed protects him
ed shanks bad guy boss with da dagger and he goes to h-ll
then gold kid revives chick
later chick is gonna bring kid back to asia and and they walk off to the city
the end
that was pretty good
i mean its not super awesome but its entertaining and light and has that cool 80s feel
good music and acting and fun and effects and clever ideas
i enjoyed i and it has a lot of things used by 80s and 90s video games
plus, unlike most stuff today, the main hero isnt a wiener who cant do it on his own
he does stuff and gets by on his skill and wit and power
its not the best movie ever, but its entertaining
that 80s style is what i grew up with in the early 90s
For The Golden Chi;d 2 i want eddy murphy to be working with the chick from the 1st one at finding mising kids and theres a group of hollywood elites who kidnap and b0ne and eat the kids. so eddy and the chick go around saving kid after kid and piecing togerther who the lead of the hollyweird degenerates is and their base full of half eaten and often b0ned childen. also its a 16 bit game on sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar, tg16 and gba where you go through the rotting cesspoole of hollywood and fight child purvurts while working your way up. its a 2 player game and one player is eddy and one is chick and its an action game like zelda but with 2 players going from zone to zone square segmnt to square segment to clear stuff and solve piuzzels.

Thursday, July 11, 2019

Outpost In Morocco Review

note; i spell bad but not as bad as the frenchies. samoUrai?! F dat!!
outpost in morroco
this is my review on outpost in morocco from like the 40s or w/.e
it starts with text thanking the french gov for their help
not sure thats a good thing
look what they did im their revolution
its the bernie sanders ideal; kill the rich! but not the commie rich as they get to rule
maybe thats the soviet union
so in a frenchie base in morocco the frenchie army wants to send a guy on a mission
but his leave started today
and he wants to b0ne some chicks
1st; chicks?!
not dudes?!
maybre i'm thinking of the brit-mo's
2nd; i hope he gets consent
none of that dominic strauss khan cr-p
the svu pepe le pew!!
so main guy is dancing in a bar with some dame and a messenger is sent for him
in the real version they were b0ning
i cant tell if messenger is playing a real moroccan or a white guy faking it
aint the moroccans the moors from othello?
isnt that where thats from??
so after several mins of dancing but not very epically, he goes back to base
his missioon is to help this chick who vacations here get out safe
dont vacation in the 3rd world!!
people fight and die to escape those h-llholes
and you dinks go there for fun?!
why not use an iron lung for fun!?
plus there's always the chance of getting f'd or infected with hepatitus or stabbed or chopped up and boiled in acid
yeah most people get out safe from visiting there
but by that logic; russian roulette is a good idea as 5/6 x its safe and harmless
so they go to meet the chick and she's swimming nude
later chick is chatting with main guy and they clash
that means thewy'll fall in love
look at ash and pikachu
or ikki and metabee
or hunter and his ride in spider riders (i remember not his spider name(call ing all spi der ri derz!!))
i think she's not a frenchie
so they travel more an hes gonna deliver her to a city forbidden to frenchies
how can we make that happen in more places??
i hate how in Soviet Canada everything has to have french on it BY LAW
and its not even real french
its canadian french
like talking like a homie is to american
yo dawg lemmy ax u dis iz u ahh ite?!
imagine that on the side of the every item you look at when you pick it up
but worse
i can read japanese better than candy a55 french
not just english letters spelling japanese words
but the japanese characters
i even dream in japanese
oy! gaeru gaijin! jigoku irou jirou! Itsu made mo!! ima!! omae tachi wa jigoku no kuso! okama!!
btw i'm watching this movie on chch at 2 am when they air public domain films
its kinda cr-ppy video quality but it has charm
holy cr-p this as done by Robert Florey who did murders in the rue morgue and the beast with fve fingers
are these p0rn0es??
so this guy name emir meets main guy at this place called barbary
oh the chick is his daughter
so they drop her off and book it back to their base to report back
also an italiano seeming guy talks about his woman throwing irons at him when mad
thats spouse abuse and domestic violence
if a guy did it to a chick he's be hated for it
so much for equality
so chick asks her dad whats up and hes thinking of fighting the frenchies
i want a period piece of the uprising of the noble blonde poles, vs the ape like frenchies
well america had 1776 vs the brits
the original brexit!
later at night this frenchie gets iced
and the gunshot didnt sound like the natives old muskets
the bullet was from a new gun and theres snipers out there
check the grassy knoll
thats how oh bba mma did j fk
so they check it out by sending a guy to invesrtigate and at the checkpoint they have a wrist mark to show they are from the club
main guy i think slugs a guy out and fights his ay through the base
he climbs the buildings and runs the roofs like batman/the crow/daredevil
he fins his way to the chicks room and she hides him
i forggot to say they were growing closer b4
she goes to see her dad and leaves main guy there
dad knows she's gay for the french and he escapes back to base
also the italiano is a cossack and i thought he seemed like my dad's slovenian cousin joe with his moustache and voice and accent
so later dad tells chick not to trust the frenchies as they are the enemy of their poeple and he's gonna attck the frenchies!
its 1776 2
no more cr-ppy a55 french on all our food and signs
so later the frenchies are going out on the horses they like being b0ned by and the natives are gonna attack but its called off cuz theres too many frencheis
just attack. they'll surrender anyway
so the frenchies get to this run down fortress maximus and start squatting there
wait, it was a frenchie base and everyone there was iced by natives
later dad goes to see some of his people to fight the frenchies but they ike the frenchies and think the frenchies are too strong
what would mel gibson do??
if this were made later it would be the innocent natives and the lusty frenchies
meanwhile, later... yes, main guyb wants to go to send a message and if it rains they're f'd
but italiano slavic guy tells him to stay as they need him
so main guy sends some volunteers out
theres a gunfight when the frenchies atack and the arsenal of the natives base is empty of weapons
they go through the base and find the chick who sez dad left days ago
the volunteers return with the chick
main guy b--ches at em for taking her and later they run low on water
later at night theres a gunfight and wait i think its day as when a guy fell it was light skys
so main guy explains to chick if he can stop the new guns it can save more frenchies
frenchies against guns?!
thats double un-american!!
also the natives divert the river and the well goes dry so they get rid of the horses
they could drink their blood
the frenchies love eating blood
blood and kidney pie, blood pudding
wait, thats the brits
same butt different stink
or is it same stink different butt?
so later main guy sez anyone caught stealing water will be capped
if they do, they could drink his body fluids
they;re french
they like it
later cossak italiano sez this guy needs water as much as his gun and soldiers need their guns
what about england? they have unarmed cops
after a battle the cossack prays the Lords Prayer and main guy does the sign of the cross
nowadyas they'd be the bad guys for having faith
so after tongiht therres gonna be no more water
and dad is ok with chick biting it with them
well she did betray her people for invaders
like siding with the invid in robotech
btw you know they're drinking their own whiz
later it starts raining and they all run out to get some
waoh! that frenchie is f--king hairy!
who's harry?
harry potter? harry s truman?! harry and the hendersons?!
a frecnhie b0ning bigfoot
nah, bigfoot would be b0ning him!!
so the fortress is made of cr-p as it crumbles in the rain
and main guy let chick go to save her
so he prepares for one last stand
why not surrender? its kinda what they're known for
maybe they can be the natives butt slaves
so its win-win
they get to live and be b0ned by big buff bronze boys
so chick tries to get her dad to not waste the frenchies but it dont work
so later the natives charge for like 6 minutes and they see chick riding into the trap they set to blow the natieves
he doesn't spare her and they shred the nateives wit gunfire and mines
so they frenchies win and main guy feels bummed about icing the only woman who was nice to him (as french canadian women are awful)
and the surviving natives plegde alliegance to the frenchies
and their guns are surrendered to their new overlords
the end
that was a well made film
the love story was sorta like casablanca but with a bit of go nagai cuz it dont end well
its not a bad film and as much as i bashed those fruity frenchies, i liked it
the main guy george raft (whos german and playing a frenchie) was kinda like a clone of humphry bogart
like bubsy to his sonic
most films today have a feel good ending and the love story ends happily
this had the main guy icing his woman
it shows the dangers of oppressive gov like them taking their guns and how the frenchies are the bad guys
just lik in real life
esp in soviet canada
not a bad film
good solid 40s film
for outpost in morocco 2 i ant the frenchies to ramp up its oppression of the natives with them being publiclly b0ned for disagreeing with frenchies and them being used as slave labor and are often eaten alive by their french overlords for talkin back to them. so its up to the brother of the chick from the 1st movie to lead an uprising against their regents and rulers. also its an 16 bit platform game like the virgin disney games on sega genesis, gba, snes, atari jaguar and tg16 and you play as the brother going around his jungle and city country to fight the frenchies as a masked hero who has a magic chakram that returns to him. or maybe a kusarigama from ancient japan that is infused with ki.

Sunday, July 7, 2019

Narrow Margin Review

Note; I spell better than those candy a66 canadiuans and their extra U's
Narrow Margin
this is my review of Narrow Margin from 1990
its a remake of The narrow margibn from 52 and stars gene hackman and no one else i know
its directed by Peter Hyams who did end of days and 2010
so after credits and a really 80s opening this chick meets a guy for a blind date
he needs to use the phone and invites her up as he'd be a while
she goes up and he b0nes her dead
rally she goes into a room and the guy calls but theres no one there
then some guys come in and 1 sez this guy borrowed cash from him, blew it on bad investments, and ran off
its the date guy
he begs sez he was gonna pay him back
the boss guy who gave him cash tells him to sell his place and get out but he wont harm huim
then sez he lied and caps his a55
and the date saw it all from the shadows like a ninja
so after hiding in the closet for an hour she goes out and they get her and b0ne her dead
she gets away and donty see em
later gene is cutting newspapers of crime storys and he goes to a court guy
they found data on the prints of the chick ewho was an anti nuke nut who was arrested in the 80s
so offscreen the cops found her and got her info abou the wacking
she fled and is now in a cabin in soviet canada and told em she saw the boss in the hit
theres no phone in the cabin and they need to bring her in to give evidence
So they go up in a chopper to da kabin but she don't wanna go with em
eventually a chopper machineguns the cabin and takes out their chopper
they come out the back door(that sounded wrong) and escape in a pickuptruck in da woodz
hope sasquatch dont get em
he'd b0ne em dead
it finds em but they go down and ditch the truck to go on a traine station
btw gene hackman sounds like rainman in here
so for the train he needs a private compartment but theres none
so the chick fakes being pregnant and a good geezer couple give em their p c
gene tell her go go w/o him and stay locked in the p c
the hitmen follow and gene gets on another train segment(i dont know what they are called)
speaking of trains
Why do all these people who make shows think autistic kids are into trains?
I go to Yugioh tournaments and know several and none of them are obsessed with trains.
But in Big Bang Theory and Arthur the autism guy in there has a train fetish.
As for Anna for Yugioh ZeXal, I like her card's power and her toughness with no interest in the fact they are trains.
gene goes to a different car saying its his to the mom and kid there and ats time with cr-ppy storys
eventually he goes to the right one and she wants to skip out of testifying
he trys to convince her to do it but 2 guys i think hitmen come in looking for a breifcase thats missing
later they stop at a train station and its nighte
he calls his boss and his name is caulfield like the wiener holden from catcher in the rhye
he tels em the other cop bit it as did chopper pilot and he thinks the court guy is behind irt as he tried to stop him 2x this year
on da traine the hitmen check rooms with a master key
so gene gewts back and she sez she wants to go as the havent seen her
but the gene sez they might've seen her photoe when looking here up and he goes to get foode
at da bar he meets a blonde who does something to his foot by mistake and they chat
so eventually gene goes back and gets past a huge larda55 like mr heart from fist of the north star but with hair
also this girl is caught by the 2 guys i think
at their room gene whines about the cop homie and pilot getting wacked and how his cop homie was 2 years from retirement
and their assassins are gonna go free cuz no one saw em
as in he didnt see their faces
at the next bus stop he meets the guys sent to help but theres 2 of em and he dont trust em
he tells em he has the hitmen on a 314 but they just want the chick
so jean fakes having the runs and gos back
also the guys claim to be mounties but dont ride horses or wear the uniforme
maybe their gods dont like the uniforme and they get special treatment?
when god gives you lemons you find a new god!!
1 mountie comes in after jean but jean beats him dead
314 is indecent exposure and he knows they aint real cops
he takes out the other guy and kills him with a knee in the crotch(i'm not kidding)
then more gonna come in and he jumps out the window like in the wiZARD of OZ and theres a hunt for him in the dark woods
good scenary and lighting
its not that late 80s look like season 1 law and order or the bodyguard
so he runs back to da trane and i think larda55 is in on it
train starts and da men go back on it
hitmen search da trane for her and gean is stuck on da outside of da train
until a guy lets him on
so hes sitting at a bar and a hitman offers to bribe him
gene sez no but they say someone f'd the train radio and theres badder dudes waiting for him at da next stop
hes only deputy D A but only cuz he likes putting away scum like them
he dont consent and laffs em off
later he goes back to THE ROOM and fills her in
she gets b--chy and tels him she wast the date guys gf but only met him once and saw him get iced and it f'd her up
also she has a 10 year old who she sent to his dads place after seeing the boss was a crime lord on the news and her date bf was defending
and went to her brothers cabin
jene knows the fat guy is working for em and they gotta do something 1st
da next day its sun up and he bumps into the kid of the mom of the cabin he eat time in
kid pulls a toy gun on him and it looks real cuz people weren't candya55es in the 80s
he tells kid hes a cop and needs his toy gun
he deputizes him and gets his gun(it should've been a megatron toy) as the bad guys took his gun
a cop w/o a gun?! what is this? candy a55 england?!
at the food box he chats with blone and they chat
then geezer comes by for one more scene and asks about his wife
then the hitmen see them and they try to escape
they run into larda55 but larda55 is a cop and he tells him the woman mix up
he gets to chicks cabin and is gonna take her to larda55es cabin but at there larda55 is dead nd the blonde is gone
they escape to the top of the train and she is too freaked out to do it right
gean sticks up a guy with the toy and takes his gun but sez his is a toy and they fight
jean throws him off and i'm pretty sure he's ok as its ike a 6 foot fall and he landed not bad
they walk across da roofe and duck through a tunnel like in revenge of shinobi or mcdonalds treasureland adventure or some sega game i cant recall
1 hitman gets on da roof and fires but totally moises and they go past abnother tunnel
they hide on the side, crawl around and jene sneak attacks him from behind
they fall off and gean holds hitmans legs as he holds train and they climbv up
they fight on a glass ceiling and jean throws him off
just grab his parts
that'll stop him
then outta nowhere blonde comes up and is a bad guy with a gun
but she gets iced by standing as train goes under a tunnel
then we get a voice over of gean calling a guy saying a guy is crooked and he stopped the train 100 miles from soviet vancouver and to meet him at da boarder and he contacted soviet canada'ds cops
then its da trial and she fingers big boss
the end
that was pretty good
i never saw the 50s version but i hear its better
but this was well done
good music and acting and twists
good tension and feels
its a well done film i thought and better than most of today's cr-p
pretty bada55 too
Good pacing and no drag feels
for narroew margin 2 i want gene hackman to have another case were hes after a secret super criminal who was in charge of the crimelord from the 1st film. he ratted him out as he didnt wanna get the chair and figured either way he's dead, might as well take out his boss like starscream. so gene and crimelord are a buddy duo trying to get through soviet california and take out the super criminal with all his minions after em. also its a 16 bit  2 player run and gun o sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar, tg16 and gba with 1 player as gene and one as the crimelord.

Saturday, July 6, 2019

Children Of The Corn Review

Note: i spell like i got corn in the a55
children of the corn
this is my review of children of the corn from the 80s
its by hal roach studios who did the little rascals
guess he had to get with the times and be dark and gritty
its got peter horton from amazon women on the moon and linda hamilton from bermuda tentacles
also john franklin from my fave ep of highway to heaven, the one with the ret-rded homeless kid and his cat
i was moved to tears by that one
true innocent love
if you ever read this john franklin, that episode changed my life
now when i say something mean i think, what would that kid think, and try to be a better man
its also got Julie Maddalena from power rangers in space and digimon and lily c.a.t.
so in nebraska 3 years ago, this 1 kid who went to church instead of going to the corn field to j-rk off with the other kids tells the story
despite seemingly being in the 80s it looks 50s
at this diner he gets a milkshake and sees malachi at a pinball machine and some kids come in
highway to heaven kid (who's like 30 but ages slow) looks inside and drresses amish and all the adults bite it
well 1st the choke but then the kids chop em up
all over the area ids chopped up adults and main kid's brother started drawing pictures in crayon of happy kids iwacking people and going back to tech from the slavery days
then credits
this is what happens when u teach ur kids global warming is real
they attack the makers of co2
anyone breathing
then peter and linda are in a hotel and she gives him a small cake with 1 candle as its his birthday
was this where highway to heaven got it from?!
thats sick!!
so linda gives peeder a harmonica and dances to a 40s song and then they make out
so he's going to a place to be a dr and has to get there soon
btw i never saw this b4 but i did see children of the corn 002 on tv
while watching it i would say "corn in the a55! corn in the a55!"
later i was talking to my gf on the phone and i kept saying it
later she's like "anything else on your mind?" and i said "corn in my a5555555" and she sed "except dat!!" and i laffed
so back in soviet nebraska 1 kid wants to run away but 2 kids wanna run away with him
but they cant as they'd get in da way
also her drawing and listening to a record player is against da roolz dawgg
so the kid tries to run away through a corne
i mant da corne but my keyboard f'd out and i thought it looked fun
so the teens peeder and linda listen to a bible guy on da radioe and mock him
to quote weird al; he'd be laffing his head off, while they're burning in h-ll
so da kid running in da corn gets shanked by someone and some time the teens run over this kid in da roade
its the kid who got shanked
so man teen goes to investigate and girl teen goes to the car to hide
he finds shanked teens breifcase and the shanker goes to the car with a knife
btw the lighting is inconsitant
b4 her face was in the sun and now its not
she goes out and goes to the body and its a zombie!!
but its a dreeam!!!
so boy teen takes the run over kid and puts him in the trunk to eat later and drives off
so the main kids are playing in their olde house and talking about growing up and having all the money in da world
also he cheets at monopoly but his sister catches him
if you cheat its not a real win
officially it might be one bt not for real
like how officially, oj didnt chop up anyone
so then the shanker throws a knifew at the game board
also boy teen knows the kid was dead when they ran him over
so main kids are taken to issic who was in highway to heaven and he's shown the picturres she drw of the car coming
they aint gonna be punished as issac hayes is workoing for some cosmic evil who tells him what to do
so teens drive and go through the breifcase and find a crusifix made of straw and corn
they come to a gas station run by a guy wjo dont want em there
him and his dog get antsy and tells em to skip the nexte towne
they go on and nature gets f'd with wind and clouds
so as teens drive the signs don't make sense and contradict eachother
david gasman finds his dogs blood soaked neck thing and gets iced by kids
is this where pet semetary got it from?
at least they weren't toddlers
so the teens go through da cornfiend and are back where they came from
so they go to the on they shouldnt go
then iccas has a sermon of this guy in da corn who told him cr-p
and that the teens comming are gonna be bad
and they got a crucified guy in the cornfield they worship
so teens arrive and its a ghoste towne so they go in a diner
its rotted like ms havishams place in that dickens p0rn0 and they see kids in da street
they car chase em but the kids get away
they give up and leave but on the way go in a house that window moved
its empty but they hear something and he goes up and seez da drawings
then finds main girl who sez da grownups are in da cornfield
is that from the twilight zone ep with that magic kid?
he leaves to investigate again and she stays behind with the girl
is this gonna be like sonic 06 with the chick getting caught?
while hes out, the kids go to the house to get her
she throws a lamp and it misses badly
how do you miss from dat close!?
freekin cr-pmobile arms!
its amazing she took ouit a terminator
so they carry her out and shes w/o shoes
imma note it as movies oftewn f it up
main girl drew girl teen gettimng grabbed by kids in da corne
boy teen goes back after seeing a drawing of a blonxde being cooked by a dragoin in the field
at da corn foield issac and malachi bicker like starscream and megatron as malachi f'd up too much
malachi wanted to ice the main kids but she mas esp isaac asamox can use
issac needs boy teen too and biy teen sees da drawing and goes to da korn
so boy teen goes out and the corn opens for him
imagine, someone in a corn field j-rkin off corn and the cobs shoot cornsilk it could be stop motion or claymation.
the kids hoist gorl teen up on a cross and rthen this guy carves his chest in a church as they collect his blood in a corncob bowl and they drink it
also its in a disfigurted church
also they gon get aids
boy teen comes in and stops it
the kids have a list of people they sacrifced at 19 and one kid shanks main guy
he runs after taking out the knife which should ake it bleed more but he trips an lands chas 1st so its a good idea
they surround him and he runs
why not just beat em up?
they're kids
you can take em
plus ur a dr so you know human weak points
so he hides in a barn or w/e and snealk attacks malachi in the leg
better finish him off while you can
nope, he runs
he meets main kid and they escape in a basement storm celler
they go to his dads bunker built to avoid the commies and fill in main guy teen
so malachite stands up to isasac and pulls a knife on him
the men take issac and string him up
good acting btw
he can play pure hearted kids and villians
so macachi brings guirl teen out and cuts her face with a knife which will get a cool scar to bring boy teen out
after patchung his chest wound they go out and the knifed kid is gonna be sacrificed
main kids and he go to a barn to watch then main boy teen goes to the coarn field and its night
so then this underground thing moves and this 80s glow effect eats issac and shoots him in da air
boy teen comes in, sneak attacks malaci and tells off the kids for following some nut who told em to chop up their rents
malachi sneak attacks him and they brawl
juist grab his parts
that'll stop him
so boy tee beats up a 14 year old and throws a knife at malachite but misses
then issac comes back as a daemon and wastes malachi
then a storm f's out and the kids and teens hide in the barn
a kid sez theres a bible verse that scared off the cosmic evil and its about a fale prophet going to h-ll
but as stopped by malachi icing him
they realise they gotta torch the cornfield so he hooks up a hose and thing and goes out
the corn attacks him but he cuts out
wait, its main kid boy who cuts him out
he hooks the hose to the pipes and turns on the pump then torches the place with a burning cloth
but misses throwing it so the main mal kid has to do it
kid's running and main teen is yelling like pet sematary
teen gets another shot cuz its in the script and it works
the corn blows and they run as weird 80s effects go to h-ll
so they go to their car and its corned up
oh and she's not wearing shoes
they decide to walk to da next town and keep the main kids
but in the car is a bad kid who comes at main guy with a blade
he easily beats her down as she's a dinky kid and he;s a full gown a55 man
they walk to the next town and leave her there to be b0ned by squirrels
the end
that was pretty good
not too scary or shocking
not too gory or gooey
nice tame 80s horror movie
simple plot and a few good twists
good acting and i can see a lot of stuff steven king used in his other stuff in here
for children of the corn 2 i want the teens and kids to be leaving the town but the survivors or the cult are after em. using the little girl's esp they know how many kids are after em in each area AND GOTta take em out main teen guy don't wanna ice em but when they start eating his woman alive he snaps and busts their heads in. also its an up to 4 player beat em up on sega genesis, snes, atari jaguar, tg16 and gba where you play as ether kid or teen and beat down cult kids with your attacks and items.