Thursday, November 29, 2018

Royal Wedding Review

note; I spelle non englishe
royal wedding
this is my review of royal wedding from 51
its got fred Astaire and jane powel from 7 brides for 7 brothers
directed by Stanley donen whjo also did singin in the rain and 7 brides 4 7 bros
I should point out I survived the 2000s or 2010s or w/e royal wedding with the queens grandson
everyone was j-rkin off about it like "ohhhh! da prince is getting marrryd!!"
I was awake when it happened but went to bed and avoided seeing it
England's been the bad guy for over 200 years
we otta nuke it or something
just power up ur ki and fire a ki blast
so after credits done like a wedding invitation we get a musical scene of fred as a king and jane I think as his maid
it looks like how Disney did stuff when they were good
this film is in bright technicolor and is fullscreen
he sings of love and they dance
its fun and cheerful and upbeat
I love this film
after the show, jane shows fred her bf and fred and her get changed while talking on a walkie talkie thing in their changerooms
the radio sez the royal wedding is near
fred talks to his assistant about not wanting to marry
janes bf is like 7 feet tall
Later at a bar freds homie tells him they got a show in England for em for the wedding
also bf and janes ex bf meet and fist fight
use ryu en bu!!
later they get on a boat to soviet England and jane sez bye to her bf(who's a confederate)
as they leave bf and ex bf fist fight again
the time of retribution! battle 2! decide the destiny! fight!
late jane meets a brit who recognizes her from her show
the brit is high status
he hits on her ashes one of the few britmen into chix
meanwhile, fred goes to the work out room and sets up a metronome and dances in tune to it
then he dances with a hat rack and I think this was edited into a vacuum in an add years later
look at him go
hes like a ninja
I wonder if he could breakdance
then he dances off the exercise equipment
then with a bowling pin
then the hat rack
I heard he took up skateboarding in his 70s\
later fred meets britler bf and later they go do a show in the boat
jane looks kinda like a younger ver of the mom from that 70s
most of the show is her singing like snow white
I hear she played snow white in a play in the 30s or w/e
the they dance
fred Astaire as like 50 when he made this
as the dance goes on the boat rocks in da waves an they dance with it
good skill
around 30 mins in with adds they make it to soviet England
quicker than Friday the 13th VIII went to soviet new York
later their manager or w/e's bro is there and they say they are twins
even though 1's a brit
jane books a date with brtler and fred and twin go out to shop
fred walks and smokes and follows a gurl
nowadays they'd make this look creepy
she loses him but it turns out they were just headed in the same direction as she is auditioning as a dancer in freds show
she's shocked to see fred as the guy there and they dance
also he offers her a date
meanwhile jane and britler are doing to britlers plantation or ewe and get the plates meant for his wedding
he gon give em as a wedding present as he don't think he'd marry
I assume he's got a weird fetish and it keeps even the brittish girls away
at night jane and fred go to bed but really both sneak out to go on dates
and both see eachother is car windows
on freds date fred gf sez she loved a 13 year old when she was 11 and wanted to dance as she was happy with it
and wanted to dance all over the walls
after da date they go to her dads bar and when fred reveals hes American dad goes mental
cuz in da war a yank didn't pay at his bar and he's butthurt over it since
frd pays as americans are the good guys and she gets cash from dad for the cab
they walk through the fog and its like that Hitchcock film the lodger
on the walk she reveals she has a fiancé in Illinois Chicago and hasn't seen him in years
well, it IS a yankee state
might as well be Canada
then manager and twin talk on the phone in split screen and its fun
the next day theres a parade in the streets below the window of the fred room
this is how ben hur started
britler and jane talk but the parade noise covers their talk to eachother
but we hear it
he tries to come out to her about him being gay for her
after that jane sings a snow white like song to fred piano playing to britler
later its b4 a show and fred gf sez she got a call from her fiancé
later at their hotel they find flowers from britler who sez in note he cant make the show
later its the show and fred and I think jane do a vaudeville thing about fred's character being a liar and she kept believing him
the plot is like springer
he sed he loves her. she thinks its real. he was lying
only less klansmen and crossdressers
he implies in clean subtle ways he was out b0ning when out of town
I like the colors in here
fred has blue pants like bill rizer in contra
she's in a red/yellow Ronald McDonald ketchup/mustard dress
they have a dance fight and she wails on him
fred has good balance to stand on 1 leg at an angle as she lines up his arm, leg and chin for that hit
after da show jane and britmo walk at night and she sings a snow white song about love
also fred goes to visit gf dad and gives him advice on meeting the royals
later he goes back to his hotel room and sings a love song about his gf
he's so happy he dances around the room
then dances up the walls like spiderman
then on the ceiling
they filmed this in a rotating room with a camera built into it
so the camera and room rotate together and it looks level as he dances on the walls
most of it is done in 1 take
it takes real talent to do this
imagine practicing this over and over in that spinning hypercube
they even have the picture of gf picked up and moved
I assume they used magnets
later twin comes in saying their show was a hit
fred asks twin to check in on gf's fiancé
twin splitscreen calls manager and tells to look  in on fiancé
they struggle to understand eachother with his britting and his new York talk
turns out the fuiqancde got married in America
then fred sings of a girl he met in Haiti in a show
then theres a long village dance and show that's pretty good
after da show he tells gf her fiancé married someone and shes happy as she and fred can be together
also I forgot to mention that fred helped get gfs rents back together
fred isn't sure he wants to marry her
later he talks with jane about if he should marry her
later its the day of the regent wedding her male wife
everyones singing about how good a day it is for a wedding
shouldn't it be raining and kids working in stinkhouses for grool saying "kun aive sum moar?!?
everyone watches the rpyals go by in a carriage and stand around as they get married
then fred and jane wanna marry
but not eachother as they aint into inbreeding yet
twin sez they can get r dun this afternoon if they try
jane sees britmo driving by and chases him saying she wants to get married
frec asks gf to marry him
then they marry offscreen, walk out da church and smooch
then it zooms out to show da city
the end
that was fun
nice, positive, hopeful, light
fred Astaire was great and always loveable
his costar is like 30 years younger than him
but my grandma was born in 28 and her youngest bro was born in 57
their mom was born in 05
so its possible
I liked this film and recommend it
despite my brit bashing it didn't focus on the deviant monarchy and told a good clean story
its fun and cheerful and has good heart
put it on the history channel
better than deep impact
for royal wedding 2 I want it to be the next day and the royals are outraged that nonroyals got married on their wedding day. they put a bounty on their heads and all the brits go after em. so fred and his sister gotta fight em off with dance moves like zack and kimberly in power rangers season 001. ts also a 2 player beat em up on sega genesis, super Nintendo, turbografix 16 and Atari jaguar where you play as fred or his sister and fight through brits until you get to da royals and beat their candy a55es.

Tuesday, November 27, 2018

Cult Of The Cobra Review

note; I spell cult film style
cult of the cobra
this is my rfewvuiew on cult of the cobra from 55
I never saw it b4 but by texas friend greg said I otta do it
i'm doing it now as I was looking through my emails and saw one from him hat suggested it and it reminded me
its by universal who was known for their monster films in the 20s-50s
it stars faith domergue and richard long who was in the twilight zone
after credits to exciting music we get text saying something about reality and illusion and the mind
is this sonic forces?
also its the distant future year of 1945 and set in asia
around when and where go nagai was born
also aisa is a big place. cant they specify more?
so in this market place these soldiers wanna buy cr-p and chat with a snake charmer
they pay him to take out his cobra to get a photo of it
one soldier mentions a cult of snake lovers called lamians who turn chicks into snakes
and he wants to see it
charmer tells em its real and sez he's in the cult
he sh as I guess this cult need you to pay to belong
he'd bring em to a cult meeting tonight for 100 American dollars
that's a lot of money in the 40s
and more in the 3rd world
no outsiders ever saw it and I a risk to charmer
they give him 10$ EACH And will meet at 10 pm
later they're in a bar/café they wonder if its real and 1 guy sez people believed in transformation for thousands of years
like werewolves and vampires
good plug for ur past films universal
later they go there in cloaks and charmer sez if theyre caught the cult will ice em with snake assassins
at the cult a guy does a spinny dance with a bowl and fights a swordman
then snakes come out but its really some bendy chicks arms
she crawls out of a pot and wiggles on da floor and onto a guy as they do gymnastics
hes bit and she crawls back to her pot
1 dumba66 takes a flash photo and everyone sees and they fight
I think charmer gets iced and the army guys book it as the place burns from a torch hitting a cloth
they drive but one of em aint there
they find him on da road with a chick running from him and 1 guy follows but cant find her
road guy got bit on da neck by a snake
this just turned into final destination and the crow
road guy had tried to jack the pot the snake chick was in to get the wiggley chick
they get road guy patched up and he's ok
road guy is in the med unit and theres a storm
at night a cr-ppy cobra puppet goes into his room and ices him as he screams
later ne of his homies wonders how he bit it as the poison was neutralized
but hes gotta fly out in 5 mins
then why is he in the hospital?!
is the airport to it?
dr sez the only way he could bite it is if a snake came in on purpose
on ride they wonder if its the cult that caused it
they talk about their plans back home
1 guy named rico like in star ship troopers has a boweling alley and invites his friends
at the alley this blonde sez to 1 guy she wants to marry another guy
later one of the guys is at home and this lady in his building screams
he chex on her and sez a man was after her but she didn't see him
he chex and theres no one
he wants to call da cops but she don't want it
good sign shes the bad guy
she sez she's new and they chat
he offers to show her around town and they grow closer
shes named lisa like that tommy Wiseau 5kank or the chick from Robotech
next day they go out and he shows her soviet new York
at night they go home and smooch with consent
he shows lisa to his room mate and the dog don't like her
dogs hate me too
gotta cool ur ki to have them not react
he shows lisa his war homies
she sez she down bowl smoke or drink
like weird al yankovic
she goes back to her place and he chex on her one more time
then he chats with his roommate played by long about how shes not like other gurls
she goes out and street cats fear her
she goes to the boweling alley which is now closed for da night
as rico goes out hes touched on the back but its just some lady
this is just like final destination how they jerk you around with fake outs
later hes driving and something gets him from behind and he crashes
lisa walks away
after the service for him they wonder about the cult icing 2 of em
sounds like you otta see a priest
as they walk a horse and lisa scare eachother
later at a party 1 guy dances and chats with lisa and her bf slugs him out and books it
long is in a cab and smooches the girl who chose him over the other guy and he wonders about the lisa
he tells his gf about the cult and sez he senses lisa is connected
bf and lisa return to his place and dog is scared
if that dog were my kid, i'd sell him to the monkey house
dog; dad dee! help! the monkeys are eating me!
me; that's what you get! for being a dog! ahahahahahahhaha!
lisa asks if bf was in love with longs gf
he sez he was but now he's over her
after chatting of it for a while about their feelings they smooch with consent
but she has to go
i assume she wants to stay a virgin
well, this IS a horror movie
he brings her glove she left at his place back but she don't respond
so he uses his key and goes in w/o consent
in her place the window is open
she shows up at another guys place
oh its the party guy
she sez sorry for wrecking his party
he makes a drink but shes gone when he gets back
then something wacks him
then it turns out he jumped outta the window and splattered on da sidewalk
the cops take his room mate away for questioning and later lisa returns as her bf fell asleep smoking
good way to get cooked
they talk about her knowing something her whole life and now feeling its wrong
he tries to help her
she loves him but dont wanna harm him
what is this? reverse twilight?!
next day bf and long eat breakfast together
nowadays there would be sodomis references
but in the 50s no one was queer
longs gf comes in and da cops call on da phone and wanna see long and bf
so cops ask a room mate a question on when something in the apartment got busted and let him go
later lisa meets longs gf and its revealed long researched cults like the cobra one
they wrote a book in the 40s about this one cult no one outside saw b4?
lisa goes mental and is gonna do something but the delivery guy brings shirts and gf gotta go
meanwhile da cops grill bf about punching out the jumped guy
long is there too
he cops let em go and long tells em about the cult doing it
and lisa is the assassin
bf storms out and long tells the cops the whole thing offscreen
also; how did lisa get to America?
she was in whatever in asia
later bf confronts lisa about whacking his homies
he knows cuz she has a cut on her arm
and wants her to take a blood test to match the blood at the jumped guys apartment
she sez she against a spiked fence
he gives her a chance to prove her story and she goes into a room and we see her shadow turn into a cobra
then she comes out in a dress that would be sexy in the 40s but now 5kanks wear less to anime cons
it was another guy she turned into a cobra against
not her bf
she chats wth her bf and makes out
then long gets the lab report that the guys bit it from snake venom from cobra
later lisa and bf go to longs gf's show
the cops and the long find the guy lisa just iced  at her apartment
then long calls the theatre to get bf
long tells bf about the venim and iced guy at her place
lisa goes to longs gf's dressing room as lon races to save her
what is this? birth of a nation?
gf sees something and freaks out
bf comes in and sees a snake and wraps it in a blanket and beats on it with cr-p
then knocks it out of the building
long arrives in a cop car and the snake turns into the lisa
bf sees her and is bummed
then walks into the crowd and it sez the end
the end
that was pretty good
nice well paced not too long light horror film
no lust no swearing no gore no violence
good and clean like the 50s
good plot and I hear its a lot like cat people
I can see some similarities
this is more final destination or the crow
btu I liked it and thought it was well made
too bad its widescreen
good idea of an assassin falling in love with her target
and being forced to do so by black magic or w/e
sorta like with blacula but he just wanted his woman back but had to ice people
for cult of the cobra 2 I want the cobra cult to send another assassin after em and this time its 100 snake people that can fuse together to form a titaniboa from ancient times. also the surviving guys are more trained and have experimental nikola tesla lightning guns and power armor that lets them resist snake power. its also a 16 bit beat em up like alien storm on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Atari jaguar and you play as the 2 survivors from the 1st movie ho are now big and buff from training and have screen nukes and a limited electricity power to handle your super shots and nukes. you gotta take out all 100 snake assassins and after you do, their dust reforms into a titaniboa as the final boss

Monday, November 26, 2018

Atanarjuat The Fast Runner Review

note; I gotta read the subs on this so so forgive any spelling cr-p
Atanarjuat: The Fast Runner
this is my review on Atanarjuat: The Fast Runner
I cant even remember how to say that name so hes ata now
I saw this b4 and thought it was a doc
its based on northern legends
so I assume its their version of die Nibelungen or something
btw this is like a 4 hour film with commercials
is made in 2001 which is when riki-oh and apocalypse zero start
it starts with a female telling a story to her clan
then title to running sounds
btw the camera work feels raw
like shot as a doc
so then we see some guys lubing up their sled
its the frozen wastelands of the artic
they go off on dog sled
narrator lady sez we never knew why it happened or what he was
but evil came
then theres this tied up guy in an igloo lit by whale oil
this guy gets a necklace but is said he iced his dad
but someone else who's name starts with a T is who they go after
its hard to tell who's who when they dress the same and the lighting and camera are weird
later necklace guy is walking across the wasteland
T is with em
they get frozen seals
later 1 guy sez things s-ck for him and he talks to his fam
its T
n we see em eating in an oil lit dark place and belch
later they say how hunting will improve soon and share food
I think its a famine
btw I read this is set in the 1st millennium
2 millenniums b4 judge dredd
later 2 guys chat and 1 sez if u lift a heavy rock, think of it as a womans butt
sounds like he's into fat chix
some guys come by and take their dogsled
so they chase
this just turned into mad max
then we see Atanarjuat and T with T's fam playing
Atanarjuat (which I gotta c/p each time I do it) plays with his bro's gf and bro T fights him
or it may just be a feats of strength like festivus
later this girl goes with someone but im not sure who
im not paying too much attention too
later a chick chats with her mom or gramma who warns of these bros having evil like the one who iced her husband
so its like how j fk and r fk wacked marulin monroiw
later this dude oki kicks his dog for being a worthless piece of sh-t
he otta b0ne it dead
with whale bones
or knife it dead with a walrus tusk knife
later Atanarjuat and T comes back with a sled full of meat
then they build a big a55 igloo
later T I think tells Atanarjuat oki said he could easily ice T and Atanarjuat worried oki might ice Atanarjuat
later someone enters da igloo and bumps T or Atanarjuat into a guy who gets p-ssed
then they sing
I p-ssed but don't think I missed much
then a guy sings about b0ners and j-zzing
then Atanarjuat and oki play a game
they take turns punching eachother in the side of the head
that's the most idiotic thing I've ever seen a real human being do
ur gonna get brain damage
and its right in the temple
when I 1st saw this I thought it was a doc and actual people
this isn't even a game
its just skull crunching
is this like Russian roulette w/o a gun?
as punched, Atanarjuat sees a guy and hears a voice saying the evil guy is there and they need help and the 1st guy runs
oh they were fighting over a girl
Atanarjuat wins and gets the girl oki was gonna get
oh and I just checked wikepecia and it wasn't T and Atanarjuat who brought the meat
it was another guy
and oki's dad iced Atanarjuat and T's dad
later Atanarjuat's woman is preggers
later as the tribe is hunting caribou Atanarjuat's woman tries to j-rk him off but her hands are cold
so he carries her around on his shoulders and runs as she sez she's cold and wants to warm up
when did this become a p0rn0?
later Atanarjuat b0nes a chick who wikipefia sez is oki's sister
and it was oki's sister who tried to j-rk him off
what a 5kank
later oki wonders where his sister is and someone sez f--king with spirits
sounds like how yokai and sasquatch would b0ne women
later Atanarjuat and his chicks are together in their tent asleep after a night of b0ning
he starts b0ning a chick and the others in the tent wake up and squabble
and his toddler son wakes up
this just turned into springer
later a chick whines about her husband trying to ice her
later theres a tribal council about it
oh I think it was Atanarjuat's wife
later a chick tells the wife okis sister is a witch and made him do it
then the sister I think comes in crying saying its her fault and saying she'll never do that again
she offers to do all the work until they forgive her if they let her come home
and she wants to be let back in the home
they forgive her and let her back as part of the family
so its polygamy?
poly meaning many and gami or kami meaning god in Japanese
k I checked wiki article and sister b0ned his brother an beat the bro
and sister lied about nearly being iced
later Atanarjuat and T get back and I think make up and p-ss together on the same rock
the family that pees together, steeys together
they then get undressed to pants  and go into the tent and remember their childhood
T wishes he was a fast runner like Atanarjuat
later guy with spears come and shank the tent
then someone yells at em that Atanarjuat bro is running
then Atanarjuat busts outta the tent in the nude and we see his small thing and runs barefoot across the ice
the chix return and find the tent f'd out
oh according to wikipoida it was oki who did it
ane guy was oki's grampa in a vision
and sister set a boot on their tent to show oki which one to ice
and T and Atanarjuat's bro are 2 different guys
T hasn't been in most of the film
after long a55 chase Atanarjuat gets away and is lead by the voice of oki's grand uncle
grand uncle and his tribe treat him and his f'd feet from running on ice and protect him from oki by hiding him in cr-p
btw oki's dad was the kid in the start who got the necklance and the one who gave it was a black magic user or something according to wikipisea
also oki dad is the head of their tribe
oki busts grand uncle for asking if hes dads soin and grand uncle invites him to eat eggs
grand uncle was grampas bro in law and left b4 the magic user fought a shadow duel with grampa and iced him according to wikipeda
after oki and friends chck and leave camp wife reveals she knows sister set Atanarjuat up
oki thinks Atanarjuat bit it but dad sez his soul lives
later oki's men hold down Atanarjuats wife and oki b0nes her
later the ice is almost solid enough for Atanarjuat to get back
and grand uncle sez oki has some black force behind him
later oki shanks his dad and sez he tripped and fell on it
he did it cuz dad didnt want oki to have Atanarjuat's woman
btw, remember in pee wees playhouse how he had a Japanese pen pal oki doki
is this where he got it?
so oki gets made leader and gets the matrix of leadership necklace
so oki runs the camo into the ground like hes Trudeau or something
maybe scar fror the lion king
one more thing Disney ripped off for that film
grand uncles sister send him a psychic message and he and Atanarjuat return to the place the clan
later oki wacks a rabbit to eat
everyone sez it s-cked but he loved the taste of it
later Atanarjuat returns home and everyone is glad to see him
he tears off his wifes coat and gives her a new one
oh and grand uncle previously used a ritual to turn rabbit feet into the white rabbit oki caught and it cured him of his bad feelings
Atanarjuat tears open oki's sisters coat and tells her to get f'd
everyone is sick of dat 5kank
also oki's homies wanna ice Atanarjuat I think
oh and grand ucle is there too
I just realized that people often accept a king Arthur film having magic but a film like this by natives is dismissed as "unrealistic"
same with bible films
oki's homies try to get him to hate Atanarjuat but he sez his 5kanky sister got wat she deiserved
oki's hear is cleared of hate and he wants to be a good leader and get food
after catching some big red meat thing, oh a caribou, he brings it to an igloo and they eat
da igloo was made by Atanarjuat and has an ice floor
Atanarjuat come in with cleats and beats on em with a bone
then sez; the killing stops here
they have a ritual at night and summon the black magic guy with walrus tusks in his mouth
its also badly lit
they drive him out and grandma sez its time to forgive and stop being c-ck suckers
so they were turned bad by a black arts user?
what is this? bibleman?!
also oki and his lusty sister are exiled for some reason
it ends with them singing
then an "in memory" thing of those from this film who bit it right after it was made
then credits to a naïve song and footage of them making the film
the end
that was pretty good
I had to check wikepiaea often to get it but its an interesting film
sorta like an inuit fusion of the 70s texas chainsaw massacre and the 10 commandments
its weird and its got cultural things i'm not familiar with but was well made
also I like things based on ancient legends
theres not much else out there like this
and it filmed entirely in the native tongue
sorta like mel gibsons the passion
also i read that the original story was about a revenge killing where they iced oki his homies but the director wanted to make it less awful
also they iced real animals and used them the native way in this film
its their tradition.
like slovenians making blood sausage
or japanese eating octupus
for Atanarjuat the fast runner 2 I want oki and his sister to be living out in the wastelands and have made it to close to the north pole. they find a mammoth herd and follow it and come across a race of woooly rhino people who have psychic powers and horns that can extend with ki. they are welcomed into their society but are actually being studied and te people want them to breed them a race of new subjects to experiment on(which they do). its also a 64 bit party game where you play as either oki, his sister o a male and female wooly rhino person and you play various games on a game board based on various native legends and culture.

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Independence Day Review

note; im American so I don't use the extra u's in letters like those candy a55 Canadians
independence day
thius ius muy revieuw oun independeunce dauy from 96
its got will smith from frech prince of bel air and jeff goldbloom from Jurassic park 1 2 and 5
its directed by the guy who did the 98 Godzilla, the day after tomorrow and 10 000 bc
I should point oout this was on the discovery channel
and 20 years later they pooped out a sequel that rips off Robotech
kinda surprised harmony gold didn't sue
also the army almost helped with this movie
but they wanted the area 051 thing changed and left when it wasn't
sounds like proof its real
so after logo's and the title, it sez its july 02 and we get the moon where America claims to have landed and something goes by it to earth
its a big space ship and the way it flys over was done in many anime like Robotech and outlanders
then urth gets a radio signal from space
but its from da moon
its the moon kingdom from sailor moon!!
the ship is 550 kilometers (f--k the metric system) ad is 1/4th the size of the moon
sounds like dolza's battlefortress from Robotech
the prez is told and the news sez hes a candy a55
then goldbloom is playing chess I the park with his dad and we gets his backstory of his woman ditchin hm
goldbloom wins
he then bikes to work and harvy fiersteen tells him they got cr-p from space
also jeff gold bloom ( j b ) b--ches about recycling
then its soviet calefornia and this pilot crop duster flys like a maniac and dusts the wrong field
btw, pilot in a biplane??
totally not Robotech
then more space ships come down
they are 15 miles each
totally not like the mile long Zentraedi spaceships in Robotech
they spread around the world and the news reports it
man we're 20 mins in
that felt like nothing
pilot is made fun of for his screw up and some rednecks joke about his being abducted and if he got b0ned by em
then the space ships come by and are covered in clouds
what is this? galactus from the fantastic 4 sequel?
then several mins of the ships slowly coming into the city and people freakin out
around noon, will smith wakes up and is calm as he don't know what happened
j b realizes the signal they got is a countdown and they're gonna attack all at once
he calls the white hourse and the chick he called don't believe him
so he rides his bike through the chaos
also will smith is in the army and is called in
btw will smith has a kid who's gonna be the main guy in the 20 years later sequel
totally not like Robotech
j b goes to his dads and has em drive away as he don't have a license
also new York is looting and going mental
what a cesspool
they otta nuke it
later pilot was arrested for spreading leafelets against the aliens and on tv he yells about the space monsters experimenting on him
also he was in viet nam
but gets released as the gov has bigger issues
later smith is denied a promotion and is planning on marrying his baby mama gf
who is also a str-pper
was she doing it while regnant with smiths kid?
cuz lots of guys like pregnant chix
later jb and dad drive from new York to Washington in a few hours and jb calls her while tracking her position in the white housere
not sure they could do that in 96
jb and the chick and dad go to see da prez and its revealed jb fought him over chick b4 he was prez
hew tells prez the spacemen are using earths satellites against us to send signals
they get outta the white houise when the countdown sez 9:!!
also people are celebrating the space monsters coming and want them to take em up
I guess thy wanna be probed
well, it IS LA!!
then the ships open up slowly and blast lasers which beast the cities
totally nor like Robotech with the Zentraedi armada gang nuking earth all at once
havey fierstein bite it and is blown away
and we like several mins of things blowing slowly
the prez's plane flies away as the blast chases it
totally not like 2012 with the plane escaping the city going up
will smith's baby momma and kid and dog escaps the fireball by going in a closet as it fills the car tunnel
1st; the fire would go in the closet
2nd; the fire would use up all the oxygen so they'd bite it anyway
the next day the prez is bummed over all those people getting nuked
holy cr-p
this movie is super widescreen
like half the screen is black bars
oh and it took like an hour for the aliens to attack
oh and smiths fam comes out of the blown apart tunnel, yet somehow survived the tunnel blowing open, into this burned out wasteland
totally not like in Robotech after the earth got busted]
then the army jets attack the space guys with missiles but they have a force field
totally not like Robotech season 2 with the Robotech masters
then the aliens send their fighter ships out for combat
the fighters ave shields too
the humans are beat down
totally not like Robotech season 2
smith and his homie get away but the homie bites it
and the aliens attack the army base
smith is chased through a canyon and uses his fighter parachute to block the alien sight
then ejects and his jet blows and the alien goes down
smith goes hyper over his win and slugs out the alien
how did he know 1 punch would knock it out?
its brains might be in its feet for all we know
the prez's men want him to nuke the aliens
but j b sez it would cause nucular winter
jbs dad sez they knew cuz of reswell
prez sez that's fake but his main man sez its real
meanwhile smith's baby moma drives a truck through the ruins of L A and carries survivors
totally not like mad max, fist of the north star and violence jack
smith drags the alien in his parachute across the desert like in the erich von stroheim film greed from the 20s
and is met by a convoy of RV's
so da prez goes to area 051 and show him the space thing
they were rebuilding it and when the aliens came, its started working again
also they cant duplicate their power
totally not like protoculture from Robotech
then they see the space things they kept and the space things use esp to talk
meanwhile smoth guides the convoy to area 051 and gets in as he hAS THE captured monster
also at the rate the ships are going, in 36 hours, all cities will be nuked
smith finds out his baby moma town got nuked
at night the baby moma chats with the prez wife
then the 51 autopsys the alien
but it wakes up and rises as a tentacle monster and f's the operating room
totally not like Urotsukidoji
it tentacles the dr and uses him to talk for it
rez tries to reason with it but it don't wan peace
then sends a psychic message at prez and his men cap it
prez sez he saw its thoughts and they go around eating through planets and moving on
totally not like galactus
prez sez nuke em
snith jacks a chopper and flies off
they fire nucular missiles at the aliens but it does jack
totally not like war of the worlds from the 60s
then smith finds his gf somehow and they reunite
they get the 1st lady in but the drs cant stop her bleeding
we get a tacked on sad moment where prez sez shes gonna be ok but she don't buy it
they hug
that actually moved my heart
ore samma no kokoro wa resonate
then its july 04 and jb is drunk and having an episode about the environment
his dad mentions not catching a cold and that not only gives him an idea, but instantly sobers him up
goldbloom has a army guy try to cap a coke can on the 50s ship but the shields stop it
so e gives the ship a computer virus and it lets army giuy kap the koke kan
so now if they can fly to the mothership and upload a virus card then it will stop their shields
but no one knows how to fly the 50s alien craft
but cuz will smith saw 1 fly, he knows how it works
even though the one he fought was from half a century later
its like saying; if I can do fortnite I can do contra
prez fires the guy who was his number 2 even though I think hes in a union and they cant fire him w/o him b0ning a monkey or something
oh and the whole whorld is gonna unite and fight at the same time
totally not like robotevh after the SDF1 landed and the united earth gov formed
and cuz most of the forces were wiped out, they gotta get casual pilots with no exp flying fighter jets to join
including the crop duster
who wants payback for them tentacling him 10 years ago
and says so to the army after being asked of his experience
also jb is gonna go on the mission to send the virus
and smith marries his baby mama
prez gives a speech about how today the world fight for freedom and independence
and if they win, the 4th of july is the worlds independence day
but that's cultural appropriation
so after getting ready, smith and jb go up in the 50s craft
also the space daemons are on to em and are heading for the America base
so jb and smith go I and its a whole other world in there
sorta like the sdf 1 going into dolza's fortress to take it out in the final battle in Robotech
to prevent the space monsters from seeing em, jb uses a window cover
then uploads the virus
they fre a missile but the barrrier is still up
so prez (who's on this mission as he was in the gulf war) tries again and it works
so they all fire missiles and engage in an air battle
smith and jb cant escape the ship as they're ship is locked in
also the alien fighters attack da base
the aliens override the windows and jb and smith hide
also the fighters aint doing enuff damage to the ship above the base
and its about to fire on the base
and they're outta missiles
except crop duster
but it f's out and wont fire
so he goes kamikaze to save his fam and everyone on the base
while yelling; hello boys! i'm baaaaaaaack!!
that's pretty good actually
I almost cried
and his son is proud of him
now they know how to take em down
wait, why not eject before the impact?
also him sacrificing himself to stop the ship is like zor in Robotech season 2
so jb and smith have one last cigar smoke and upload something
the alien sees a laughing skull and bones on his screen like the skull squadron in Robotech and they fire a missile at em
they got 30 seconds to get out and smith flies out of the closing doors as jb sz "must go faster" like Jurassic park
then the whole 550 kilometer battle fortress gets nukes and there are no negative effects for anyone
and smith and jb get away somehow
totally not like Robotech with dolza's battlefortress getting nuked
at least there the sdf1 had shields
jb and smith get back everyones happy
and the burning remains of the nuked ship are like fireworks(more like shooting stars)
the end
overall, I liked this
its got some heart
its got good effects
its got good pacing but ran kinda long
it rips off Robotech quite a lot but I liked Robotech
yeah its really unrealistic and has lots of things that just don't make sense
but it doesn't make it less entertaining
its not meant to be realistic
its a big budget 90s ver of a 50s b movie
the official sequel made 2 decades later also ripped off Robotech and killed off will smith as he was too busy to be in it
but heres my idea that's totally not Robotech
for independence day 2 I want it to be years later and the aliens have returned in greater forces and taken over the planet. they have enslaved most of the humans to build their alien ships for more conquest. but the daughter of the president is now a tough bad a55 chick in a metal bikini and battle scars who leads a resistance against them using double agents and stolen tech to make battle suits and power armor. but some people have betrayed the human race and side with the aliens as they think humans have ruined the planet and the aliens were sent to punish them for generations of human crimes. and they gotta fight both alien modified humans and the aliens. also the son of the crop duster is a cyborg after getting parts blown off in battle and is totally determined to get back at the aliens for b0ning his dad and is a full on harda55 and high rank member of the resistance. its also a 16 bit run and gun game on sega genesis, super nintendo, Atari jaguar and turbografix 16 that's like contra or metal slug where you and up to 3 other homies team up and go on missions to take out alien bases and bonus rounds of trying to take out escaping traitors to the human race.

Monday, November 19, 2018

Rhodes Of Africa Review

note I spell American.
Rhodes of Africa
this is my review of Rhodes of Africa from the 30s
it stars walter Huston who's so john Huston did great films
I saw this once on tcm years ago and thought it was ok
i'm kinda into the 1800s and history
this was made not too long after the silent era so its kind of like an early n64 game after years of playing sega genesis
I think 1 guy won an Oscar from this
so after opening credits that aint 4 minutes of cr-ppy logo's, we get a thing thanking the gov of Rhodesia
then a title card saying its about cecil Rhodes who set out to unite a continent
the only Rhodes I know of are alexis Rhodes from Yugioh gx (and her brother Atticus) and dusty Rhodes who I only know of because of Tourette's guy saying he was a fat wrestler from the 80s
the title card scrolls saying how great was and was a great warrior to those he conquered
and the natives gave him a royal salute that they gave no other white man
breaking the color barrier
ten a narrator saying in 1870s south Africa was unexplored
in the south were the brits
in the north, the boers who were descended from the dutch
I assume the brits are the bad guys
norther were the native warriors
then we see kids playing marbles but a guy finds out 1 is a diamond
then the brits start diamond digging
but 1st a royal proclamation
ending with "god save the queen"
which god?
and why does she need saving?
probably from her sins of oppression against those she dominates
after many scenes of diamond hunting, a bunch of dirt falls into another guys claim
then the guy who's mine was spilled in finds out one of his diggers was swallowing diamonds
he gives his men a bottle of castor oil and they take him away
i'm not sure what that does as I never had it
but I assume its gonna make him blast it out of one or both ends
later theres a card game and 1 guy who I think is Rhodes sez that each man trying to earn his diamonds himself isn't working out
and he wants to amalgamate
spilled guy wants to control every claim
so its like Disney buying everything and cr-pping it up
i'm looking at you power rangers and star wars
then theres another card game where they cut the deck and the higher card wins
in Yugioh theres rarity, level and points you can win by cutting
I think Rhodes wins but I;m not sure if its Rhodes
its hard to recognize walter huston when he was so young.
later a guy gets checked out by a dr
turns out Rhodes has 6 years left
or 6 months if he don't take it easy
like goku going ss3 vs buu
Rhodes gives his backstory about being 1 of 12 kids
and how in Africa theres so much space
and people work there and return to soviet england
and he wants to start a colony in Africa
so englind will do better
if only he new of the freedom that is America
instead of being a slave to the regent
and he has a good start in diamonds
10 years later Rhodes controls all the mines in south Africa
dr and Rhodes talk about how he lasted so long
dr; when I listened to your chest, I thought your heart was queer. when I listen to you, I thought you were queer!
yeah in the 1800s it didnt sound like south park
but nowadays...
then a guy comes in and don't know how Rhodes beat him
Rhodes sez the guys shareholders sold him out
the guy sez how Rhodes had more advantages than him and asks why he bought him out
nowaday's they'd try to make him look evil for that
being higher status and cooler and richer
guy then sez how both came to Africa with little and worked their way up
so its like pokemon
beating your rival and becoming the new champion
rhdes sez the reason he won is cuz he saw beyond the diamonds
while guy wanted just the diamonds, Rhodes wanted to use the diamonds
man this is like Yugioh or something
and we skipped the whole story of their rivalry and clashes and went to the part he beats him
like Yugioh the 4kids anime skipped season 0 and started with the final battle with kaiba
Rhodes makes rival in charge of the diamonds and lets him in his country club as hes great at diamonds
later Rhodes controls 90% of the diamond sales
like Nintendo in the video game market b4 the genesis
then Rhodes wants to get into gold
hope he don't replace is b0ner with it
the board don't wanna get into other options
so Rhodes pulls out his revolver and begins taking them out one at a time
really he talks em into it with a speech
but its still not enough
so he sez he and his homie have enough shares to control the company
his homie gives a speech that can be taken out of context nowadays
they agree to do it for some reason
then text sez Rhodes didn't dal with paul krugar, the president of some place and possible ancestor of freddy kruger
paul is having tea with some people and 1 chick likes Rhodes
paul sez his people are being pursued by the brits f greed and he don't trust em
also Rhodes is going to the norther to meet the natives
and paul wants to beat him there
later Rhodes is traveling and the natives appear and encircle his wagon
then walk with the wagon to their village
they meet the king and a reverend is a translator
king don't like whites as they want gold
so he wants to purge his country of em
sounds like a tumblr malcontent
Rhodes offers to work with king to keep the gold hunters away
but a boer comes in and sez paul already made a deal with em
Rhodes tries to turn king Against boers for stuff their ancestors did (just like tumbler malcontents)
he then sez he serves the "great white queen" which sounds like that thing from that kids book I read in the 90s about this brother and sister in this cold place and the brother's heart was turned cold or something and would only return after he put together this shattered ice thing (maybe a snowflake)
and he shows king a coin with the queens face, which amazes all the natives and wins them over
Rhodes gives king a contract which he signs with a + and had the rev read to him
clockwork orange guard; don't sign it! read it!!
wait, I f'd up
don't read it! sign it!
that's how it went
later Rhodes goes to meet paul
paul isn't into Rhodes but Rhodes is friendly and tells him he got the deal with the king
paul sez he hates Rhodes advancements and Rhodes sez its gonna happen anyway
sorta like me perfering sega genesis over playstation
and how if they don't work together then they'd end up fighting
but paul don't submit
later Rhodes makes Rhodesia
and rules it
but he's all f'd up now
and theres malaria, rain, crop f'd'ness and other cr-p stopping him from uniting south Africa
and no gold
and they're running outta cash
and paul has the gold lands
and theres lots of brits in the area
and 1 guy wants Rhodes to start an uprising
but he don't wanna
btw they just skipped over his making a new country and his rise to ruling it
so he gts the people of the boers country to complain to paul about how they came and helped his country get better but they get treated cr-ppy
I question how accurate this is as its the british side complaining in a brittish made movie
yet when mel Gibson makes a movie like braveheart where the brits are the bad guys, he is called unfair
also if those brits don't like living there I don't see why they stay
they're like whiny 30 year old teens who b--ch about moving out if their rents don't bow to em
or the French Canadians who keep saying they wanna break away from real Canada
so paul has enough of their cr-p and walks away
so the whiners go to Rhodes and suck up to him about all the good a55 cr-p he made
also Rhodes imported ladybugs from America to wipe out pests
nowadays the animal dinks would go mental over that
the whiners wanted Rhodes cops to back em up in protest they know will turn violent
so when paul said "if there's war, it will be because of the british" he was right
and the whiners say it can help him unite south Africa
Rhodes starts building a railway at the boarder
but its really bringing guns into there
brits using guns?
but they fear and hate them!
its like vegans eating burgers
later the whiners are getting impatient
and 1 sends a message saying unless he hears otherwise, he's gonna invade tonight
they wind up getting a message from Rhodes to invade
but the message actually sez not to move in
and the telegraph wires were cut
paul kisses his wife and goes out on his white horse like master asia in mobile fighter g Gundam
later this chick who liked Rhodes but wrote a book calling him a killer  comes by
she only did it out of being malcontent over not having him and sez sorry
shes also mad at him for doing something to someone but i'm not sure what 100%
I think he fought the natives maybe
this movie is more tell than show
so she knows hes behind the forces on the boarder
and if they cross, its war
but there only like 10 mins of movie left
are they gonna cram a whole war in there
she wants him to prevent the war
but hes ok with war if it means uniting it under his rule
is he some latter day oda nobunaga?
she sez if hes like that then Africa would be better w/o him
and history will hate him for it
spoiler: they wound up loving him for it and only recently did revisionists start hating him
he sez the forces wont march but a guy comes in and sez they marched
but it was an ambush and paul has em in prison
they were the bad guys!
so Rhodes thinks hes f'd but the chick sez she wont write a book against him
if this were today she'd have a tumblr page to blog about her cr=p
later Rhodes goes to see paul and its revealed long ago someone bit it and paul blamed Rhodes
and Rhodes takes responsibility for the whiners malcontent uprising to get em freed
Rhodes said he resigned from his stuff he did and wants to save his friend
it doesn't say what happened with the whiners as it fades to a title card saying years later was the boer war
south Africa was united but Rhodes bit it b4 that
then we see Rhodes in bed with a dr by him and word comes the boers are retreating
Rhodes sez this native guy gave orders for his body to be put on a high place like a mountain or hill or w/e
then he bites it and the natives have a thing where they say their magic word
then narration saying how good he was and a slow pan to his memorial plack to triumphant music
they gave away the ending at the start
the end
that was pretty good
its not too long
only a bit over an hour
it glosses over most of his life with only a few key details shown
sort of like the Urotsukidoji ova's (the 1st 3)
its well acted and is a pretty good biopic
I liked it
and it didn't tack on a love story or heavily alter the real events to my knowledge
even though it focused on the brits as the good guys it was still well done
although now some tumblr commie might go mental over white historical figures shown as the good guys
for Rhodes of Africa 2 I want it to be ww1 and the boers are tired of being oppressed by the brits. so they send a team into the jungle to find an ancient treasure that can give them superhuman powers. they find a lost temple and explore it to find the magic item that can fire microwave beams at people and cook them until they burst like popcorn or potatoes in the microwave. its also an 8 bit game gear Gameboy and Atari lynx game where you go to the temple and solve puzzles and fight ancient mechanical gear golems to get the magic item

Monday, November 12, 2018

The African Queen Review

note; I spell Africa style
the African queen
this is my review on da African queem
its got Humphrey bogart and that feminazi Kathrine Hepburn
its based on a book I never read and adapted and directed by john huston
hes done some great films so I got high hopes 4 diss yo
its in color and is from the distant future year of 1951
so after 2 mins of credits, the film starts in german eest Africa in the distant future year of 1914 September
at a Methodist church white guys sing to africans
aw gay
Hepburn is there!
playing her organ!
then we see a boat coming down da river
boat guy gets off and gives afrcans cigars and throws a lit one away
and the africans scramble over it
then church empties and boaty gives church guy mail
his boat is named; the African queen
which queen?
later they have tea or w/e and I think Hepburn is a brit here
they talk about cr-p all brittishy and boaty has gut noises
I think he's got parasites
boaty sez theres a war and da germans are gonna stop da mail
the brits worry they might be enemy aliens in here
oh f boaty is a Canadian
that means he don't have a soul
also church guy and Hepburn are brothers
they pray and then some soldiers come in and round up the africans
church guy hassles a soldier but gets busted
then the soldiers torch the place
oh joy
another movie making the ww1 germans look bad and the brits look like victims
what next?
the innocent bears and deadly people they eat?!
after that I think the church guy snapped as he don't know where he is
why'd his brain bust?
did they b0ne him offscreen?!
imma call him bro as its quicker to type
also he keeps talking of things that happened long ago
eventually I think he bites it
then the boat comes back
boaty sez the germans torched villages so the people would work for em and not go home
boaty berrys him and they book it in his boat
btw I read on Wikipedia that in the book boaty was cockney and as bogart couldn't do the accent, they turned him Canadian
cockney accents s-ck!
might as well be screaming like aids monkeys
on da boat they talk about if the brits will come to save em
and they cant go some ways on the river as theres german bases
its a gunboat
also boaty has blasting gelatin and oxygen and hydrogen cylinders
and Hepburn wants to turn em into torpedoes
she wants to turn the boat into a kamikaze with torpedoes on it as a way to take out the gunboat
and the gunboat is keeping the brits out
so she wants to MacGyver torpedoes
later boaty teaches Hepburn about water and what its looks mean
and theres hippos there
when did this turn into the snows of Kilimanjaro?!
also he has to kick the boiler or it blows as theres a screwdriver in it
later boaty drinks clear booze
I think its like the crystal pepsi
he calls it; gin
or is it djinn??
he makes her some tea and they talk about their pasts
then she gets undressed and so does he and they go swimming in the African river
good way to get parasites
its just Hepburn
and shes in a dress and not nude
later its night and raining and boaty comes in hepburns dry area
but she kicks him out
only to let him back in seconds later
also its his boat
he should say what goes there
da next day they're boating and she smells the marigold like river
then they go through rough water
aft it she is really thrilled by going through it
later boaty gets a glass of water from the river and it looks like iced tea
so he has booze
hes drunk and they bicker a bit
he sez shes not a lady and other cr-p
then sings drunkly
this is why I don't drink
I should point out that some say alcohol and drugs weakens our spiritual defenses and lets wicked spirirts affect us easier
that explains why its called djinn
later boaty wakes up and she dumped his booze w/o his consent
she goes on his boat and throws away his property
and hes too hung over to stop her
man he had a lot of booze
so may bottles she dumped in the river
hope some africans don't find em and it ruins their community and they gotta throw it off the edge of the world
later he shaves and looks more like bogart
I hardly recognized him in color
he keeps going on and on as she reads a book
then he sez sorry and she sez shes b--chy over him not taking her down river
he sez theyd get iced if they go
but then goes
theres lotsa gators there and she sez the sun will be in the germans eyes as they get there
isn't this how primeval started?
Africa at war and gators?
then they see the german base on a hill
its like the command center in power rangers
they hide in the boat as the germans open fire and hit the boiler and steam comes out
also they hit the gelatin boxes
boaty ties a cloth on a pipe and tapes it up
this somehow helps
1 sniper cant hit as the sun is in his eyes
they get by
then go through more rough water
btw we're like halfway through this film
it felt like nothing
so they get through, celebrate and smooch
but now they need more fuel
after getting wood and Hepburn pumps this thing, boaty has a food thorn
so she gets it out
they have a tender hug and it fades out
la he wakes up and they chat
in the real version they were b0ning
he tells her his real name is Charlie
hes in a good mood and wants to blow the gunboat
later he makes faces at a hippo which could count as a hate crime in Canada
but then they're at a waterfall and go over
boaty goes under da boat and checks for damage
the shaft and propeller is all f'd
she suggests fixing it under water
he does but its tough
so she helps
they also weld a propeller thing fixed
they boat a while and see weird africanimals
later bugs come at em and they cant go in da water as theres crocs
all I can think of is Orlando jones in primeval yelling "I hate f--king Africa"
boatgart hides her under a blanket and uses a wood thing to push da boat
I recall playing wheel of fortune on my moms 80s computer in da 90s and one answer was "the African queen"
that was the 1st time I heard of this film
then they go down a small river and use wood things to push da boat
what are they eating on this trip?
I assume they are sh-tting in the river
so boaty mcboatface pulls the boat through the water on a rope like regigigas from pokemon platinum
after it he's covered in leaches
she uses salt on em
remember in sand by me where that kid had a leach on his parts?
well she don't check his parts
I hope hes not circimsized!
he sez he hates leaches more than anything
then he goes back in da water to pull the boat
she goes in too to chop plants
later he's resting and I think he got aids or something
she prays for him
nowaday's theyd not have that
except to make er look bad
later its raining
when did this turn into dante's inferno?
going through a grand tour of h-ll
so the rain adds water to da river and it floats more down stream
when they wake up they're on da lake
so they didn't need to trudge through that h-llswamp as the rain was gonna flush em out anyway
later they see the gunboat headed for em
their boat is dinky
its like the size of a big orca or something
I thought it was bigger
so they go back in the plants to hide
they drop da gunboat and plan to use the kamikaze
after calculating when the gunboat will return and making torpedoes, they shine up the boat to look good when it goes to h-ll
she wants to be the one to do the kamikaze as its her idea and shes good at boating
he sez he wants to do it but she wants to do it together
he wants her to stay behind and she gets whiney and he folds
then the gunboat comes by
then its night and the winds going
its a storm and its hard for her to steer
then they start sinking
what next? sharks?!
so they go under and boaty calls for her and it fades out
this is a lot like f w murnau's amazing 20s film "sunrise"
then they cut to boaty being interrogated by germans and if he lies he gets the gallows
he sez he swam to an island to fish
but the area is forbidden to all but workers of zee Kaiser
he gets sentenced tp being lynched
not sure the ww1 germans were that strict
a boat comes by with Hepburn in it and they call to eachother
but then sez he don't know her and thought he did
she sez they were boating
se learns boatgart is getting the noose and admits to trying to take out the gunboat so she can go to h-ll with him
he tells em how he made torpedoes and their plan to sink it
and of their whole adventure
so they're gonna get strung up and bogart wants the captain to marry em
but its not a real marriage
might as well get scott mcneil from beast wars to do the ceremony
and at a comic shop
so they get married and b4 they get strung up, the gunboat hits the afroican queen with its torpedo sticking up and sinks
how convenient
why not just have a meteor hit the boat?
I expect that from a buster Keaton thing or pinky and the brain
not a srs Hollywood movie
so all the germans are gone and they are free and swim away
the end
that was pretty good
no need for loud violent action or naked chocks or tokens or swearing
its clean, well paced, and has a good story
the ending is kinda cr-ppy with how it resolved it
but so did the penalty with lon chaney and the shock with lon chaney in the 20s
the way they had the germans was kinda extreme though
at least they weren't cannibals in here
I liked it and even Hepburn wasn't too awful in this film
I think this won the Oscar or something
john huston does it again
holy f it was filmed in the congo!
that place is pretty f'd up
for the African queen 2 I want them to have been living in the wilderness and have a family of teens who they trained to be proper Englishmen but look like cavemen. also every now and then theres an attack of a huge monster. turns out, its a Mokele-mbembe and they are in its breeding grounds and its really lusty and violent on hormones. so they gotta get to a new area before it wacks em. its also a 16 bit platform game on sega genesis , super Nintendo and turbografix 16 where you play as one of the teens and get through jungle levels and fight africanimals with home made weapons to get your family safe.

Sunday, November 11, 2018

Passchendaele Review

note; Austria was better in ww1 than soviet England. so I spell bad
this is my review on Passchendaele
its by the gross guy
paul gross
when he was a kid, his grandpa told him of when he iced a german boy in ww1 with a bayonette in the head
later b4 he bit it he was saying sorry and only paul knew why
so he made this film
it came out in 2008 and was made in soviet Canada
Wikipedia sez it got cr-ppy reviews
they also say OJ isn't a murderer and global warming is real
so we get text saying 90% of Canadians who went to fight for the evil empire of England bit it
I should point out my great grampa's were from Slovenia and fought for Austria in ww1
then we see paul gross in the war and 1 guy freaks put seeing whats eft of a fellow soldier
theres a gun nest in whats left of a church
I gotta say, this is a lot like saving private ryan but made a decade later
1 guy is shot up but gets saved
so gross puts up a white flag and walks up
but a guy next to him pulls a grenade and they shred him
gross throws the grenade and takes em out
then goes in and puts his bayonette through a german boy's head as he extends his hand saying "kamarade"
I like how this shows the Canadians as non perfect and the germans as non evil
I missed something but he was on the ground in pain and later wakes up in a hospital with a nurse
then its 1910s Canada and we see a teen making out with a chick
the boss comes by and he has an autism attack  but the girl calms him
the music is light and innocent like something from the 90s lassie show
later at home his boss sez teens asthma made him stay home
he goes and sister sez she cant keep lying to keep his forbidden love quiet
at night teen goes to gf's home and the guests at dads place bust him for not serving his country
later gross is at a military board and had nightmares of a Canadian and a cross
as the germans nailed a Canadian to a barn with bayonettes
turns out he went AWOL after getting a medal for icing that german boy
although Canada gives medals for far worse people
also his mom r something bit it from sadness after his AWOL note said MIA and she thought he bit it
I think bram stokers Dracula did that too with the turks and mina
man this rips off a lot of films
btw its pretty widescreen
2/5ths of the screen is black bar
and their heads are often in the back bars, meaning they cut the top off to look A55
so gross is sent home nd sez bye to da nurse
but is sent to be on the recruitment thing\
his superior bashes the germans over using gas
but gross points out they too use da gas
later superior has a town meeting and has everyone who cant serve sit down
then shames the standing for not fighting for their king
spoiler; the king was an a55 hole
watch the kings speech
that candy a55 king was f'd up by his dad
later teen tries to serve but cant get in as gross figures out hes the nurses kid bro
also hes still got asthma and gross sez hes shell shocked
later gross meets a guy who lost his arm at the mill or w/e
but fakes being a war hero to pick up chixc
at a bar teen hassles gross and 1 arm
1a; whats this kid dooin here?
teen; do I smell kraut?
1a; u callin me a kraut, boy?
teen; u callin me a boy, kraut?
1 arm beats down teen and jams his stump in teens mouth
but gross saves him
that's pretty f'd up
and bad a55
I can see Go Nagai or Paul Verhoeven doing something like that
teen is pretty malcontent over ot being able to kill people in the war
100 years ago; teens lied about their age to fight in ww1
today; they have breakdowns over being called the "wrong" gender or some politician they disagree with winning
this is why evolution is fake
it says things get better as the generations go down
but in a century we devolved pretty bad
later gross and 1arm drink outside and gross sez the germans never actually crucified a Canadian
spoiler; it DID happen
I saw an investigation on it on the history channel
this movie is full of lies
later its daytime and gross shows nurse a grave marker his 1 arm friend or w/e made
he sez after the gold ran out somewhere the war started and he signed up
he helped take Vimy Ridge after the brits and frenchies couldnrt
hey chat about feelings in a slightly romantic way
later teens gf's dad did a thing on shrapnel damage
gf shows teen but hes not scared
then they b0ne
we see his a55 and her nips
then the gf's dad finishes and the people applaud
and it cuts to them in bed after as if the guys are applauding them for b0ning
is this a comedy??
while at the thing about shrapnel gross has viet nam flashbacks to ww1
later superior meets a geezer who made plans for a machine that can circle the globe in 15 mins
and wants 1 million $$
then superior tells gross nurses dad fought and bit it for germany in Vimy Ridge
he then grills nurse over her ancestry and tries to make being german look bad comparted to England
kinda like how today the mainstream tries to make whites feel bad for stuff whites 500 years ago did
then her house is defaced by Canadians
and teen is ashamed of his dad fighting for his home team and wants to ice him
candy a55 malcontent teenagers!
what is this?! degrassi?!
gross comes by and tells nurse to go to his place as its not safe here
a lynch mob is outside and he beats one of their a55es
then its night and teen is kicking over german tombstones
kinda like self hating whites who wanna tear down statues
gross goes after him and they fall in da river
they come out and teen goes on a prissy sissy tirade about the whole universe being at war and wanting gross to ice him
this candy a55 needs a beatdown
holy cr-p we're like an hour in
gross gives him advice and sez "if ur lookin for romance, ur not gonna find it in a trench"
remember; the main reason he started his gee haad to wanna sign up, is after his gf's dad shamed him for not fighting
he leaves this disgruntled teen and goes to nurse saying teen will be with his friend
who? 1 arm?
he'd b0ne him dead with his stump!!
they go to gross's place and sleep but not in the same bed
later teen and gf go to her dad and gf's dad signs a thing to let him on the service
meanwhile gross tells nurse about icing that boy
so teen signs up and superior welcomes him in and bashes gross
esp after another soldier sez gross wouldn't reject a good soldier
then its night and gross and nurse make out
later he goes home to pack and nurse tries to stop him
but he sez f gross as he dont have any disabilities
disgruntled self hating teen who wanting disabilitys?
man just like the 2010s
just look at tumblr!!
so nurse busts in to a meeting and bashes gross for hiring her bro
then superior wakes up to gross sharpening his blade
he tells him to sign this enlistment thing under his moms maiden name and send him to da front
superior sez hes gonna track him down
why wait?
send ur royal goons after him right after he leaves
later gross writes a note to nurse
next day nurse is packing up as she was fired for her race and cant keep da rent
teen gf comes by and sez it was the supriour and her dad who had teen signed up
nurse sez to teen gf her dad don't want teen to come back
they sent him there to get wacked
seems like teens gf is a 1910s bimbo
later nurse finds a note saying some sappy things to sappy music
then they're at the war zone
but superior ( a major ) tracked gross down and wants him f'd
but the colonel needs men and knows gross is good so he makes him a platoon leader
they send him to Passchendaele but major wants to make a complaint
so colonel sez he can send him out too
major relents
also gross sed he came here for love
what is this? Robotech?!
later he sees nurse is back in Europe somehow at a tent treating the wounded
she volunteered outta regina and took a month to catch up to him
what is this?! wings (from 1927)?!
maybe the big parade from 25!
then its night and raining and they start b0ning in the battlefield
remember what he said about love in the trenches?
and the sky and cannons burst as soft piano plays
wtf is this?!
then hes called to head out and she gives him an item to give to teen
called to go out while b0ning??
what is this? starship troopers?!
at least that knew how to do comedy
then they get to this soaked area and they sit in water
teen sees a rat crawl outta a dead soldiers mouth in a pretty good effect
teen goes mental and whines about wanting to ice germans
gross gives some kinda cr-ppy advice with circular logic and then its sun up and they're firing cannons
during the battle teen has an autism attack
I think they're at Passchendaele
took em 3/5ths through the film to get to it
also in the real version, the mud swallowed man and horse and machine alive
the movie glosses this area over
this movie is full of lies!
so the soldiers advance and get capped
as the germans regroup the gross team advances
its the germans who advance
and grossmen open fire on em as they near
later colonel wants to fight on even if it looks bad
major wants to retreat so colonel slices him open and his guts spill on the floor in a sloppy pile
a mortar takes him out
the battle continues with graphic violence
limbs blown off
people shanked
not much flesh damage
a german is tryin to bayonet gross and he holds it off with both hands
then teen blows out the back of his head
gross pushes him off and he lands so teens hand goes through the germans head hole and out his mouth
that's like something outta riki-oh
or peter Jackson's brain dead
teen runs away and winds up in the german side
but a mortar throws him on some metal like a cross
gross runs over to save him and gets capped
both sides stop firing for some reason and gross stumbles over to the cross
the germans just let him come by and carry teen back
some even help bring teen down
I know there was the Christmas truce
but this is really unbelievable
gross carrys the cross over and stops to regain ki
oh and nurse is there for some reason
then the sky turns blue and the sun is up and theres really antisubtle music as he powers through his damage and brings teen home
its pretty antisubtle
and to top it off, the camera zooms out as if hovering above
then the shelling restarts
and right then, the reinforcements arrive
gross gives teen the item and they carry him away
at the nurse place (which I thought was there as it showed nurse looking out as gross went to save teen) a soldier sez they won Passchendaele
then gross is with nurse and talks about this picture he mentioned 2x b4
then he bites it
even though gross's real grampa lived and told his grandson about ww1
this movie is full of lies
then we cut to 1arm, gf, teen, some guy I dont know, and nurse at gross's grave
oh and I think teen lost a leg
then text sez after months of fighting and 5000 bit it canada captured Passchendaele.
the total cost on both sides was 600 000
a week after the Canadians caught it, the germans got it back
then credits to a song sorta like titanic with ww1 footage playing
the end
that was not so bad
kinda antisubtle
full of errors
and had bad comedy
plus too much b0ning
I liked I kinda
good violence and showing the winning side asnt super good and the germans werent super evil
plus the English were pretty awful
its not as good as joyeux noel
that one moved me to tears
however I think this is well made despite its f'dness
for Passchendaele 2 I want the teen to be malcontent over the war and missing leg. he finds a Croatian dr who is testing regeneration serum but its experimental. he volunteers and it grows back his leg, but gives him insect skin and claw like extra limbs. he them goes around taking out those who f'd his home for being german and eating them to become stronger and more buglike. its also a 18 bit game like phantom 2040 on sega genesis, super Nintendo and Atari jaguar where you play as him mutating and gotta hunt and eat targets in a generous time limit to survive.

Thursday, November 8, 2018

Emperor Review

note; I spell with an accent
this is my review on emperor from 2012
its got tommy lee jones as macarthur and matthew fox from party of 5 (whuich i never saw) as bonner fellers
its directed by peter webber who also did Hannibal rising (which I liked)
I hear this movie got cr-ppy reviews
and focused too much on a fictional romance instead of historical stuff
every movie needs a love angle
all cuz they think some people like it
by that logic; why not put fat chicks in every movie to get the guys into them to buy it?
or girls with big feet for hobbit fetish guys?
also most of the film being fiction and called a historical film was done with the man from button willow
I saw this b4 but now imma review it
so its just after the 1st ww2 and japan was nuked
it took the greatest weapon ever made up to that time to be used 2x to stop japan
party of 5 fox liked japan and has flasbacks in color to hanging out in a bamboo forest with this chick
what is this? riki-oh?
macarthur wonders if theres a trap at the meeting they are headed to
but fox sez to trust the emperor as he got the country to surrender w/o saying surrender
so macarthur sez to go out w/o weapons to show how bada55 they are
the deadliest weapon is the human body
btw most of this film has a bluish tint to make it look historical and less colorful
as fox and macarthur (who imma call lee as hes tommy lee jones and its easier to type) drive by, the soldiers turn from em
as they don't look at the emperor either
so they cant go to the imperial palace and its up to fox to find those responsible for da war
he orders the men to arrest all suspects at once so they cant tip the others off
fox also has a guy named takahashi look for his Japanese gf
I should note that in the real story he was happily married and only friends with her
1 suspect they find capped himself but they try to save him
so da gov wants to try the emperor as a criminal
and lee gives em 10 days find find out if hes responsible
lee wants to rebuild japan and don't want big gov f ing it up
but if the emperor goes, the commie will come in
and the reason the gov wants the emperor tied is cuz the majority of the country thinks its good
having more people on your side don't make you right
later as fox walks outside, he thinks about how America f'd up japans capital and its a f'd out mad max city with rotting burned bodies still smelling it up
then a flashback of being in university or college or w/e with his gf
she came to 1910s America as shes more outgoing
man we're like 20 mins in
that felt like nothing
later takahashi sez her place got blown by americans 3 months ago
spoiler for a true story that has no impact on this film; she lived til 1954 irl and stayed homies with him
so fox gets together a list of guys with the emperor when da war began
and figures they will help em if it will help the emperor
prime minister tojo is being kept alive after a suicide attempt long enough to be executed
in here tojo looks like the turtle guy from master of disguise
tojo gives em the name fumimaro konoe who was another prime minster
konoe sez tojo took over and the emperor didn't like war
fox talks of the bad stuff done in the emperors name
but konoe sez they took territory that the brits, Portuguese, Spanish and americans did 1st
good point
its like hating white people who did stuff 200 years ago that 2010s guys don't think is good, when Genghis Khan did worse centuries earlier, and is loved for
then fox goes to meet koichi kido and while waiting, has flashbacks to his Japanese gf in color
and how she returned to japan
but kido never showed and fox tells him when the emperor is hung, it'll be kido's fault
fox reports to lee to say he don't got kido and lee busts his a55
fox thinks about the web of power with the emperor and if the emperor could've prevented the war
then he goes out and thinks about remeeting his Japanese gf again who is now a school teacher and dont want him
he waits for her outside the school and the school might call da cops (grown man outside a school? sounds right)
so she goes out and walks with him in the middle of class
she sez she cant marry an American and returned to japan after something about her uncle
back in the present ( for them ) he has dinner and outside an army guy sez le wants to be the next president and is using his saving japan to do it
and wants to take credit for fox's work
and lee chose fox as he likes japan and hates commies
then he chats with takahashi over his gf
takahashi couldn't find her uncle and her school she taught at was wiped out by America
but he don't say what time it happened
if it was at a school day or during school hours its likely she bit it
but if not theres a greater chance
assuming she wasn't home sick or had a meeting elsewhere or it was a day off
he goes to where the city was and flashbacks again to walking with her and schoolboys throwing rocks at him(probably for being a gaijin)
but she tells em off
she treats his rock hits and sez the gov is teaching em to hate foreigners
like how university teaches kids to hate being white or Christian or straight or male
then they make out
but it cuts away b4 they b0ne
back in their present he finds a violence jack/fist of the north star ruined area and wants to know who survived
then he has another flashback where his gf sez her uncle is a general
so he and her go to meet him
he lives in a bamboo forest and no I never saw lost
uncle served 2 years in the Japanese embassy in Washington
he tells how japan is united in protoculture and values better than America and will beat America if they fight
back in their present tells lee he needs to get in the palace to interview Teizaburo Sekiya
fox and takahashi go to the area outside the palace and the guards are bad a55
they allow in fox only and no weapons
he meets Teizaburo Sekiya and its in color
Teizaburo Sekiya says a poem in Japanese and don't give him much info
later he gets beat up in the ruins of a city at night
takahashi helps him and as he cleans up he has yet another flashback of his gf
then one of talking with uncle about tradition and advancement of times and bushido
fox types he found no evidence to exonerate the emperor and blames him for da war
then kido shows up
meanwhile, a soldier gives lee info on how fox had a Japanese gf
kido tells fox about a council that met on august 09 as japan burned if they were to surrender
and the emperor wanted to surrender to the allies
but his council didn't want him to
he knew the forces would wanna keep fighting and made a recording to broadcast to the people
but a 1000 soldiers attacked da palace to get the recording
and would've iced the emperor
pretty good battle scenes
the soldiers all suicided and only kido knows of it as all records were wiped
later the recording was broadcast and japan surrendered
I never knew that
kids sez the emperor role is ceremonial and he stood up to the war guys
but hes not sure he can trust kido as it might be just for the emperor
also takahashi sez his wife bit it when America attacked
the another flashback to uncle getting fox out as the army started rounding up americans
Japanese gf runs after his call yelling but he don't hear
then how did he know she did that!?
this is his flashback!
his memories!
then fox meets uncle and its their present now and uncle regrets his war actions
and sez their devotion makes em able to be loyal or ruthless
btw I should mention we who know ww2 history know what happened with the charges against the emperor
so the whole "fox typing that "the emperor is guilty" thing" is like dragon ball super having goku bite it even though we know he's around at the end of Z and in GT
so then fox reads a note of Japanese gf's feelings like with flay telling kira how she felt in Gundam seed after getting nuked
apparently she bit it
yet in real life she lived for like another decade
what next?
j fk getting blown apart in ww2?!
so then he types that the people should choose their own gov
and the people want the emperor
and hes good for ending the war
and trying him for war crimes would f up japan
so keep the emperor and things are good
lee busts fox's a55 over that letter and how theres no evidence
but fox sez if they had 1 000 years they still wouldn't know
and America promised Hirohito he'd stat emperor if he surrendered
but lee wants to meet Hirohito and see wat kinda man he is
spoiler; to the Japanese; the emperor is a god
sorta like the pharaoh
the guy who serves Hirohito gives em a list of rule like not stepping on his shadow or shaking his hand
so just like the pharaoh
lee meets him and they take a picture
Hirohito says he doesn't want japan to suffer punishment and offers himself to be punished instead
but lee sez he needs Hirohito's help, not punishment
then we see the bamboo flashback again and later fox I think drives in a jeep through the ruins of japan
then we get historical photos of the people this film was about and what happened to em
but I cant read it as the movie is in widescreen and high def and I use a real tv instead of those cr-ppy ones
the end
that was pretty good
I learned a few new things
the made up parts weren't so bad
the acting was decent and it showed japan as not awful after ww2
i'm into history and felt this was a pretty well done film for the most part
although tommy lee jones has a fraction of the screen time matthew fox had but gets top billing
sorta like Robert de niro in the untouchables
or mark Hamill in star wars 7 over that new girl
plus other than some 40s racial ww2 issues and tommy lee jones swearing a bit, the movie was pretty clean
no graphic violence
no b0ning
no nude scenes
the swearing wasn't even that bad
put it on the history channel
better than boogie nights anyway
for emperor 2 i want for Bonner to be rebuilding japan and people start being found chopped up and eaten. turns out; the nukings weakened the dimensional boundaries and allowed yokai to enter our world more often. So Bonner gets some blessed holy weapons and goes out to fight them. the yokai are malcontent as japan surrendered and let in the gaijin. so its up to humans to stand together to defend their world. also its an up to 4 player beat em up on sega genesis, super nes, Atari jaguar and gba and you play as Bonner or 3 Japanese guys (one is a chick in a skimpy ninja outfit) and fight through various ruins of japan and into the yokai dimension to beat the yokai leader.